It's like some kind of crazy combination of performance art and man love
Before we get started with BAD, I'd like to extend a get-well-soon wish to George Karl as he gets ready to fight another round of cancer. While it is thankfully fairly treatable, cancer is still a horrible, scary, life-altering ordeal, and I hope he gets through it as best as possible.

While I didn't have time to go back and do a Worst of the Night today, I HAVE been able to research plenty of trade rumors to make fun of while my Twitter page in the background constantly updates with more and more trade deadline talk.

Bad Trade of the Day:
I'm not going to bother sharing a fake trade today. Instead, I'm going to just remind of you of the possible real-life trades that could go down before tomorrow's trade deadline strikes at 3pm ET. Here are some of the big rumors (ignoring less interesting stuff like Bad Porn Maggette or Troy Murphy going to Cleveland)...

-Cleveland is the front-runner for Amar''''e Stoudemire, offering up Zydrunas Ilgauskas and JJ Hickson. Miami is said to be the other major player (which I'm sure Amar'''''e loves since he already lives part-time in Miami), but they don't seem to be willing to pay the price. They have yet to offer up Michael Beasley or any top draft picks. Then again, it's not like they have anything to offer. The Heat are D-Wade and a bunch of homeless people picked off the street to serve as his teammates. All I know is the Suns are apparently fairly serious about getting rid of Amar''''e, and that's a good thing since Amar''''e doesn't exactly feel wanted there. He has enough trouble playing with indifference as is. If he stays in Phoenix, he'll manage to give even less of a shit.

-The Bullets are in full rebuilding mode (as if they had any other options). They are apparently willing to deal Antawn Jamison in efforts to save some cash and avoid the luxury tax. The Crabs have shown interest (Jamison and Mike James for Big Z and Jamario Moon was one offer), but this one isn't looking very likely yet. I guess the Bullets are looking to acquire even more Null-Stars and probably are demanding Lacktion Brothers Darnell and Cedric Jackson are included in the swap.

-Knee-Mac trades are still a big story, despite the serious issue that, well, Knee-Mac sucks. He's been washed up for a couple years thanks to a deadly combination of old age, injuries, and being Tracy McGrady. (I mean, he's the cousin of Vinsanity. What do you really expect?) The Bricks are the biggest destination I've heard, but also the Bulls have been thrown out there. I would look deeper into it, but, eh.

-It sounds like Nate Robinson's going to Boston in some kind of swap for Eddie House (details still not ironed out). Hopefully this goes better than the last time the Celtics got a backup point guard who used to play for the Knicks. (Nate Robinson doesn't have a head tattoo does he? No? Good.)

-Finally, according to Chad Ford, "The Timberwolves also inquired about a possible Darko Milicic-for-Brian Cardinal deal." Holy shit, I love the NBA so much. The NBA -- Where Trading Null-Stars Happens.

Briefly going back to yesterday's post, according to the ESPN Daily Dime

"Dunleavy was a guest on the Fox Sports West broadcast of the Blazers vs. Clippers, and used the airtime to intimate that it's conceivable he just pulled off an amazingly lopsided trade -- because Camby could return to the Clippers as a free agent this summer."

Of course, the downfall to this plan is that Camby won't be much use next season after his stint with the Frail Blazers turns his knees into a mess of ripped cartilage and bone fragments.

Worst of the Night in Pictures:

Get the hell out of Phoenix, Amar''''e.
(And put on your glasses so the door doesn't detach your retina on the way out!)

Nice to see things are back to normal in Philly

"Hmm... I wonder what team I can hop to for my next one-year coaching stint..."

"Very nice, Yi! Good job pretending that guy was a chair!"

This is the look of a 33 point loss

I swear, AK47 gets scarier looking every single day

Suck it, Nate Robinson, Gerald Wallace, Shannon Brown, Eric Gordon, and DeMar DeRozan

"Alright, who said I looked like Stan Van Gundy's dad??"
Nationally Televised Games:
Suns at Mavericks: This is just unfair. How are the Mavs supposed to stop Jared Dudley and his historically athletic hands?


Damn. Those hands could stop Truck Norris.

All The Other Games:
Spurs at Pacers: Mike Dunleavy Jr. told the Pacers website "You can't worry about the playoffs." That's probably a good idea when you're 18-34. If you dwell on that, you'd better have the suicide hotline on speed dial.

Pistons at Magic: During the All-Star weekend, Dwight Howard set a Guinness record for the longest basketball shot made while sitting. Now, if only the Pumaman could figure out how to hit a jumper or execute anything resembling a post move...

Timberwolves at Wizards Generals Bullets: The Bullets are just one or two trades away from recreating the Eastern Conference Null-Stars in real life. There is no other reason to watch this game.

Grizzlies at Raptors: Toronto may no longer be the Craptors, but they are still averaging 104.6 PPG and 104.9 points against per game, and somehow have a 29-23 record. Mind-boggling.

Heat at Nyets: I apologize for last night's stat curse from the bottom of my heart. However, the dream is still alive!

Bulls at Bricks: Come on, New York. You've only got this one last chance to dump salary in ludicrous, season-killing trades. Do it! You can't hilariously screw up the LeBron/Bosh/Wade sweepstakes if you don't dump salary first!

Jazz at Hornets: Utah's won four straight road games. However, you know how we feel about the second night of a back-to-back, especially when those games are both on the road.

Rockets at Bucks: It seems like so long ago when Brandon Jennings was a manbeast, doesn't it? I don't understand. How could the epic high top fade haircut be working against him? It doesn't make any sense. It worked so well for Kid 'n' Play's career longevity!

Kings at Warriors: I'm just going to let Excremento Kings rookie Omri Casspi explain just how much of a trainwreck this team is right now by summarizing last night's game: "It was tough. I even made a free throw I tried to miss." That is, indeed, tough. You fail at failing, Omri.

Hawks at Clippers: Now, come on. How are the Hawks supposed to stop the newly-acquired powerhouse duo of Steve Blake and the kinda sorta injured Travis Outlaw?

Labels: Amare Stoudemire, Bawful After Dark, Bawful Trade of the Day, Nate Robinson

In all honesty, I could probably just nominate the entire All-Star Weekend for a "Worst of." Millions of people vote for the All-Star starters, approximately 100 times that many people bitch and moan about who did or didn't make it in, and then NBA fans as a collective unit either dismiss or openly hate the game as well as all the side-events and hoopla that surround it. Plus, the players do the same thing. They go on and on about this or that teammate who should have gotten in, and then the guys who DO make it more or less sleepwalk through the three-day gala. I've never seen so many people care so avidly about something they couldn't care less about. But, since my pact with the Devil forces me to provide the masses with free comedy, here we go:

Dwyane Wade's fashion sense: If you watched the Rookie Challenge, you probably noticed that Steve Urkel was an assistant coach for the rookie team. But here's the thing: Jaleel White would have had to have taken an Andre the Giant-sized dose of HGH to fill out like that. (Plus, I'm pretty sure he served me at T.G.I. Friday's this weekend.) No, it was actually Dwyane Wade, who apparently got dressed by running through Bozo the Clown's closet at full speed with his eyes closed. The ensemble included a blue sports coat over a yellow v-neck sweater with a bow tie and glasses. Explained Wade: "It was a combination of a lot of different things. It was a tribute to one of my assistant coaches in Miami -- Keith Askins. He wears a bow tie. So I told him during the season, 'I'm going to show you how to wear it.' Also, I just wanted to try something new, being conservative. I brought the glasses because I was a coach so I thought I would look smart." Well, uh, misery accomplished, Pookie. Of course, it would turn out that Wade's outfit was only the second-worst clothing choice of the weekend. But more on that below.

Bill Laimbeer: Ugh. I would have rather seen him in D-Wade's outfit...even if Wade was still in it at the time:


When I see Karl Malone these days, I think: "Man, I hope I look that good when I'm his age." When I see Bill, I think: "If I ever look like that, I hope someone will shoot at me. And shoot to kill." This isn't the other fashion faux pas I was referring too, by the way. Keep reading. (P.S. Yes, I know this is last year's picture of Bill. I couldn't get one from this year. Can anybody help me out?)

The Rookie Challenge: The rooks actually have two wins in this series, in 2000 and 2002. (And get this: Dirk Nowitzki, a former regular season MVP, and Paul Pierce, last year's Finals MVP, were both on the sophomore team that lost in 2000.) But the sophomores still have an 8-2 edge in the series and, as of this weekend, now have seven straight wins. I'm just saying, it's getting a little sad. If you saw a beaver caught in a bear trap, wouldn't you set it free? You know, after you stopped laughing at all the "beaver" jokes you were going to tell your friends later? Of course you would. So please, David Stern, end the slaughter of our rookies. If LeBron's rookie team couldn't win and this year's exceptionally talented class couldn't break through, it's just an exercise in futility. Why not pit the rookies against the D-League All-Stars, as some people are suggesting?

All-Star HORSE, er, GEICO: Most of you already know how I detest the ridiculous renaming of this competition -- why not just call it something more appropriate, like TAMPAX or VAGISIL? -- but the contest failed in more than just its name. Look, I would have booed that game of HORSE/GEICO if I'd been forced to watch it at my weekly pickup league. The fact that NBA stars were bricking their way through that contest was enough to bring Pistol Pete back to life just so he could die again, only this time of shame and embarrassment. Kevin Durant eventually warmed up enough to make it mildly interesting in that "watching a spider slowly suck the blood out of a dead fly" kind of way. But that wasn't enough to save it.

I suppose the game was semi-doomed from the start, probably for a couple reasons. First off, when the NBA held HORSE games back in the 1970's, the winner got $15,000. I know it may not sound like a lot these days, but according to Basketball-Reference.com, Pete Maravich made $600,000 in 1978-79...so that $15K represented a pretty sizable bonus. I couldn't find out how much prize money Geico was putting up for this year's competition, but relative to Joe Johnson's $14,232,566 salary, the winnings would have had to be in the $350,000 range to equal the Pistol's prize for winning 30ish years ago. Since I seriously doubt Geico paid out that much, I'm guessing that the money wasn't exactly a motivator.

Secondly, today's players are all wacky about pride and respect. Don't get me wrong. So were Pistol Pete, Bob McAdoo and all those guys HORSEing around in the 70's. But go back and watch one of those old HORSE showdowns. You can tell they took it seriously. Durant, Johnson and O.J. Mayo played with a kind of mock casualness so that, if/when they lost, they could just shrug their shoulders and say it was no big deal. That way, they wouldn't lose face. But while I'm sure it helped Johnson and Mayo sleep a little better that night (and shrug off all the trash talk), it certainly robbed the game of anything remotely resembling intensity. And personally, I think some intensity would have made them shoot a little better. But what do I know?

Tony Parker's skillz: There's no shame in losing the Skills Challenge to a rookie, not when that rookie is Derrick Rose. There is, however, more than a little shame in getting bounced in the first round with a course time of 50.8 seconds...a full 17.5 ticks after Rose. But it gets better (or worse for Mr. Longoria): That finish made TP the proud owner of the two slowest times ever recorded in Skills Challenge history. (He slogged through the course in 45.5 seconds in 2003.) Duncan face!

The Slam Dunk Shamockery: Let's face some facts: Nate Robinson shouldn't have won it, okay? Yes, he's a freak of nature and it's amazing that a man who's only four feet tall can slam dunk a basketball with enough force to create tiny alternate realities full of four-foot men who can dunk. But his winning slam -- which will probably go down in NBA history as the "Kryptonite Dunk" -- was a shamockery. Watch:


Like Reggie Miller immediately pointed out, Nate didn't jump over Dwight Howard; he used his off arm to vault off of Howard's back. Why not just let Robinson use a trampoline? Or wires? Or let George Lucas CGI the dunk? Freaking Howard dunked on a 12-foot rim and then almost slammed it home from the free throw line. Dwight won this contest. It was the biggest rip-off since 2006 when -- surprise, surprise -- Robinson beat Andre Iguodala despite the fact that it TOOK HIM 14 TRIES to complete his final slamma-jamma (it took Iggy only two tries).

Look, I know the little guys are always the sentimental favorites, but come on. Oh, and by the way, Rudy Fernández got totally hosed by the judges. Bet if he were half a foot shorter he would have won it.

Craig Sager: At least Dwyane Wade was (I guess) trying to be funny. But Craig Sager -- who's long been known for his rather horrific sense of fashion -- hit a new, all-time low, even for him: Pink sports coat with a red hanky, pink and white striped shirt, blue tie with purple polka dots and red pants. So hideous that Kevin Garnett told him to burn it as soon as he got home. I can only hope for the sake of our children’s eyes that Sager took KG's advice.


Phil Jackson: I guess that P-Jax didn't get the memo that the All-Star game is intended to be a fun and entertaining exhibition of basketball for the fans. Dude single-handedly spoiled whatever fun might have been had by employing a friggin' ZONE DEFENSE for most of the game. Really, Phil? A zone?! It's the f'ing All-Star game! Who the frick wants to see a zone?! Seriously, that made me so angry I would like to spend the rest of my life punching Phil in the face and/or groin. Instead of nifty passes and impressive dunks, we got to watch the Eastern Conference All-Stars brick away from the outside (8-for-35 from downtown).

Said KG: "Well I felt like [the three-point shot] was the only option. It was the first All-Star game I've seen that you couldn't into the paint, and that was odd. I'm sure they had a strategy for winning. ... It's a weekend for entertaining and high-flying, I don't think people want to see zones and all that." No kidding. Added Dwight Howard: "I think on defense they played a zone, so we couldn't get to the rack. It was tough for us to get into the paint. It seemed like they had Shaq, Yao and Amare and Tim (Duncan) and everybody in the paint loaded up."

Look, I understand that the point of any game is, in most instances, to win. But that's not the goal of the All-Star Game. The point then is to wow a fanbase that is becoming increasingly angry and disconsolate every year. Instead of trying to make the people happy, Jackson put his own desire to win-win-win ahead of everything else. Congrats, Phil. I'm glad that operation to remove your shame gland was such a glorious success.

Dwight Howard: First he was the prop that propelled Nate Robinson to the 2009 Slam Dunk Championship. Then he was the prop that propelled Shaq to become co-MVP of the All-Star game. Way to stand in the right place at the right time, Dwight.


The MVP selection: Kobe got a co-nod for gunning (a game-high 23 shots). Shaq got a co-nod for dunking and that sweet give-and-go. But what about Chris Paul? He ran the show and amost finished with a triple-double (14 points, 7 rebounds, 14 assists) plus 3 steals. But All-Star MVP selection is almost always about scoring, so what did anybody expect? Still, the role that the point guards play in this game is always underrated.

Update! Chris's lacktion report: Joe Johnson had probably one of the worst ASG performances of all time, on the heels of being first eliminated in HOR...er...GEICO with a missed granny shot: In 21:38, he bricked four times (three pieces of masonry from downtown), took a rejection, and gave the ball away to the West on FIVE occasions. That's a suck differential of...+10. Wow.

And when the East lost by 27, being a -28 lacktator is absolutely bawful. Bawful enough that his local paper found his scorelessness worth writing about. Johnson's line was so sleep inducing that CP3 tried to use him as a pillow. But Paul was kind enough to play hot potato with Johnson. On the other hand, Chauncey Billups' new defensive appproach to another poor entry from the Atlanta all-star into the key has Shaq dumbfounded.

Labels: All-Star Game, Dwight Howard, Dwyane Wade, Joe Johnson, Nate Robinson, Phil Jackson, Worst of the Weekend

I know, I know...I still have to finish the NBA Worsties. I originally intended to get through them by today. But, sadly, my Clark Kent job has been kicking my butt this week. So here's my lazy Friday offering: Some of YouTube videos of blown dunks. Let's begin with an Einsteinian edit of Chris Andersen's infamous ego-ectomy at the 2004 NBA Slam Dunk Contest.


Here's a Vinsanity Classic: Watch as Half-Man, Half-A-Season bones an off-the-backboard alley-oop in his college days.


Now watch in wide-eyed amusement as Tony Parker gets his dunk sent back by the rim. I imagine this is sort of how things go at home when he asks Eva for a little somethin' somethin'.


Think that was bad? Then watch Kobe blow two consecutive dunks...during an exhibition. If only there had been an Aston Martin in the way. A wag of the fingers goes to the idiot fans in attendence, who chant his name instead of mocking him the way he deserved.


Here's a fun one: Former slam dunk champ Nate Robinson discovers that it's harder to flush the ball over Richard Jefferson than over Spud Webb.


This is my all-time favorite missed dunk, even though it was totally staged for the purposes of selling delicious carbonated beverages. To this day, whenever we see a missed dunk, me and Statbuster say to each other, "Grant Hill drinks Sprite..."


And finally, the missed dunk that inspired this post, as sent in by Mister P. The best part is how the kid comes up short after jumping on a trampoline and then throws the ball at the hoop. White Man's Disease indeed.

Labels: Chris "The Birdman" Andersen, Grant Hill, Kobe Bryant, missed dunks, Nate Robinson, Tony Parker, Vince Carter

The Bulls pounded the Knicks 98-69 last night, strengthening their hold on the second seed in the Eastern Conference playoff race and helping to ensure that New York will remain a lottery team (which is important since the Bulls get to swap draft picks with the Knicks as part of Eddy Curry trade). The Knicks, of course, got all pissy after the game, but not because their pride was hurt by the 29-point loss, the near-destruction of their waning playoff hopes, the probable loss of their lottery pick, or the fact that they just flat-out suck. They were upset that the Bulls were trying to feed their fans.

Like many teams, the Bulls run countless promotions, using sexy cheerleaders, hilarious fat guys, and dancing old people to shill t-shirts, drink cups, bobbleheads, and even Chicago Bulls-themed drinking water. One of their many game-night promotions is free food any time the team reaches 100 points (redeemed by presenting the game ticket). Sometimes it's a burrito from Taco Bell, sometimes it's a personal pizza from Pizza Hut. Last night, fans would have recieved a free McDonald's Big Mac (with a side of clogged artery) if the Bulls reached the century mark.

Mind you, the Bulls scored their 98th point with almost two minutes left in the game. They then took four more shots, one of which was a tip-in attempt of a missed shot. Considering the fact that there's a 24-second shot clock, basic math tells me that they probably would have put up three or four shots even if the additional two points wouldn't have rewarded their fanbase with a delightfully fat-filled mega-sandwich. But of course the Knicks felt that the Bulls were trying to run up the score, which, naturally, showed a lack of respect.

Steve Francis, a model citizen who had decided to pull the plug on the season until an injury to a teammate ensured him more playing time, was one of a group of Knicks shouting at the Bulls on the way to the team locker rooms. Said Francis: "I've been in the league long enough; I know when teams are trying to run up the score. I don't respect nobody trying to do that to my younger players."

Jerome James, who in the summer of 2005 signed a 5-year, $29-million contract with the Knicks and then promptly began to suck, was one of the aggrieved parties and actually had to be restrained by teammates. James apparently was going after the Bulls' Tyrus Thomas, who aggressively defended a Nate Robinson layup attempt in the closing seconds. When asked about it after the game, James pulled out the Kobe Bryant "I don't know this kid" defense. Said James: "Oh, the little jumpy kid? No, I don't even know him." What? You didn't know James played for the Knicks? Well, it's true. Go check the box score. He's the guy near the bottom with the "DNP - Coach's Decision" next to his name.

For the record, Nate Robinson, who's involvement in the infamous Knicks-Nuggets Brawl is well-documented, also participated in the verbal sparring. That fight, by the way, erupted because the Nuggets were still playing some of their starters while ahead 19 points with a couple minutes to go. And, like last night, the Knicks played the Lack Of Respect card as a means of justifying their behavior.

But honestly, what should the Bulls have done? Stopped shooting and just let the shot clock expire? They weren't playing their starters. The Bulls' reserves were in the game, and reserves don't get a chance to play all that often. Can you really blame them for taking shots? Especially when your fans are cheering you on? You'll also notice that the Knicks were still trying to score right down to the wire. But I guess that's okay when you're down 30, and wrong when you're up 30. I guess the Bulls didn't get that memo.

The bottom line is this: the real problem is that the Knicks suck. So my message to the Knicks is that, if you don't like getting blown out by 20 or 30 points every night, just stop sucking. Until then, take your beating like the group of fat, lazy, malcontent men that you are.

Labels: Chicago Bulls, Jerome James, Nate Robinson, New York Knicks, promotions, Steve Francis