This man barely beat out The Cancer for Basketbawful'shighly coveted "Worst NBA All-Star Ever" award.
NBA All-Star voters: It's official: Allen Iverson is a starter on the 2010 NBA Eastern Conference All-Star Team. You, the fans, wanted it...and now you're gonna get it. I just need to know one thing real quick:

Why in the name of Spiderman's balls did you want it?

When I found out Iverson had been voted in, the first thing I thought was he may be the worst NBA All-Star, well, pretty much ever. Worse than B.J. Armstrong, Chris Gatling, Dale Davis, Jamal Magloire...I had to do some serious digging to find somebody I honestly think was less deserving of an All-Star nod than this season's version of The Cancer. I found one. One guy. His name was James Donaldson. He was a backup center (behind Hakeem Olajuwon and Kareem Abdul-Jabbar) on the West team during the 1988 All-Star Game.

Don't feel bad if you've never heard of Donaldson. I was obsessed with the NBA in the 80s, and I had no idea who he was. During his sole All-Star season, J.D. averaged 7.0 PPG, 9.3 RPG and 1.3 BPG with a Player Efficiency Rating of 12.4. According to John Hollinger's reference guide, that PER puts Donaldson somewhere between "scrounging for minutes" and "in the rotation." By the way, in 1988, teams averaged over 108 PPG, which makes his meager 7 PPG average seem even more depressing.

Mind you, the coaches selected Donaldson. At least Iverson has the excuse of being voted in by the fans. Fans are stupid. Coaches are supposed to know the game. (Eddie Jordan, Mike Brown and Vinny Del Negro notwithstanding.) The only thing I can figure is that Donaldson's little girl had terminal cancer and her dying wish was for her daddy to make the All-Star team. And that's all imma say.

On the bright side, the David Stern did some last-minute ballet stuffing to make sure Steve Nash, and not Knee-Mac, got the second starting guard spot on the Western Conference team.

The Los Angeles Lakers: The Lakers are the reigning NBA champs. Do you have any idea what that's like for me? Let's just say I can totally understand what Superman felt like when stopping a volcano sent him to a parallel universe full of evil Super Friends:


On Christmas day, the Lakers were humiliated on national TV by the Cleveland Craboliers. It was a particularly humiliating defeat, not only because they were blown out at home, but because L.A. was outplayed and thoroughly outmuscled by what may be the only team capable of dethroning them in June. The regular season provides relatively few true single-game measuring sticks of a team's ability to contend for a title, but that was one of them for the Lakers.

Fortunately for them, they still had the opportunity for a rematch in Cleveland. Unfortunately for them, they lost that one too. The Lakers wasted a golden opportunity, too, because Mo Williams -- Cleveland's starting point guard and second-leading scorer -- missed the game with a shoulder sprain. (Williams will be out for at least a month.) L.A. started out hot, owning the boards and the paint, and taking a 27-18 lead after the first quarter. But after that, the Crabs got physical and slowly pounded the Lakers into submission.

Remember, this is the same Lakers team that got beaten down by a more physical Celtics team in the 2008 NBA Finals. Last season, they weren't forced to face an elite physical team in the playoffs. If they face the Crabs in the Finals, it could be a problem. Especially if Cleveland wins homecourt advantage, which will be easier now that they've swept the season series with L.A.

After the game, Kobe Bryant questioned his team's toughness: "The mentality has to change a little bit playing against [Eastern Conference teams]. These teams are physical, tough-minded, hard-nosed types of teams. That's not part of our DNA. We have to step up and match that and still play skillful basketball."

Of course, it's worth mentioning that Mamba was out-superstarred by King Crab. Bryant finished with a team-high 31 points, but he shot 12-for-31 and finished with more turnovers (3) than rebounds (2). James, on the other hand, had a game-high 37 points (13-for-25 from the field, 10-for-13 from the line) to go along with 5 boards, 9 assists, 2 steals and a blocked shot. LeBron wasn't perfect -- he had 4 turnovers and went 1-for-8 from downtown -- but he made a convincing argument for Best Player in the League status. And, more importantly, he also illustrated pretty clearly that Ron Artest isn't going to slow him down. Nobody is. He's that good. Imagine what he'd be like with a real coach who ran actual plays.

Kobe bristled at the idea that the Lakers and Crabs have a rivalry -- "No," Mamba said before the game, "not at all." -- but Cleveland has taken seven of their last games against The L.A. Team. You know that has to get under Bryant's skin. Speaking of which...

Kobe Bryant, quote machine: When asked whether he was going to talk to his team about the loss, Mamba said: "They know I'm pissed. I don't have to say anything right now." He also "joked" about strangling "every single one" of his teammates. Again, he shot 12-for-31. I'm just sayin'.

Update! Pau Gasol, the Spanish Marshmallow: As Anish noted in the comments: "how can you not mention Pau's buckle at the end of the game. He couldve tied it up, but decided to miss both free throws and on the next Lakers possession, Kobe passes it to Pau for an almost uncontested layup and manages to get blocked. Quality sequence from the big man in the fourth quarter." Cortez described Gasol's performance thusly: "He was playing like a sheet of damp (with urine) 1 ply toliet paper in the late stages."

Pictured: Kobe blaming his teammates.
The Cleveland Cavaliers: Before the Crabs (and the media) get too happy about this win, somebody should pose the following question: If the hometown Crabs won the rebounding battle and held L.A. to 38 percent shooting, why did the Lakers still have a chance to steal this game going into the final minute?

Mike Fratello, unintentionally dirty quote machine: Submitted by a hammered BW in Cleveland: "Pau doesn't get it up strong enough."

The Los Angeles Clippers: Despite pulling out a close win over the Bulls at home on Wednesday night, Thursday night's 105-85 loss to the Nuggets in Denver proved that the Clippers are indeed who we thought they were. Actually, this was probably a case of the dreaded back-to-back syndrome. The Other L.A. Team kept things close through the first two quarters -- they were actually up by a point at the half -- but got outscored 34-17 in the third quarter. That was pretty much the game.

Mind you, the Clippers were playing without Eric Gordon (sprained left big toe) and Sebastian Telfair (groin), both of whom got injured during the Bulls game. Not exactly the situation you want going into a season-long eight-game road trip.

Weird fact: The Clips went 1-for-17 from three (tired legs) but outscored Denver 48-28 in the paint. The Nuggets went 11-for-22 from downtown and had a 37-19 advantage in free throw attempts, which I'm sure had nothing at all to do with home cooking.

Lacktion report: Phil Jackson singlehandedly ensured Chris would have some lacktion to report:

Lakers-Crabs: Sasha Vujacic climbed up the Deadly Towers for a 13 second Mario, while DJ Mbenga countered a board with a foul and turnover for a 2:1 Voskuhl in 1:34.

Labels: All-Star Game, Allen Iverson, that's all imma say, Worst of the Night

The recent hot play of the Grizzlies [!] and Clippers [!!]caused a state of emergency at venerable FedEx Forum.
FedEx Forum: The Clippers-Grizzlies game featured two of the hottest team in the NBA. I bet you never expected to read that sentence on Basketbawful unless is was dripping with mockery and sarcasm. Seriously, I keep hoping I'll wake up from a coma and find out this is all a dream. But, alas, it's true. (Unless that coma thing works out for me. Go coma!) Memphis had won five straight at home, and The Other L.A. Team had taken four games overall.

So what happens when a suddenly irresistible force meets an inexplicably immovable object? The very forces of nature try to restore balance to the universe. Which is exactly what happened when FedEx Forum itself tried to bring this abomination to a halt. From the AP recap: "A broken water line in the fire sprinkler system triggered the arena's alarm system, forcing players, fans and officials outside for approximately 20 minutes."

According to Ball Don't Lie: "The building was completely evacuated. The Clippers hung out in the team bus. The media and others were shipped across the frozen street. Eventually, the teams were ordered back, and the game resumed -- with about 90 percent of what was already a pretty slim crowd. " BDL also posted video of the evacuation:


This event prompted the following comment from Basketbawful reader Hobbs:

"We are committed to providing our fans a world-class championship experience each night at FedExForum. With this in mind, we are inviting all fans who came to tonight's game to exchange their ticket for select locations based on availability for this Friday's game against the Minnesota Timberwolves starting tomorrow at 10 a.m. at the FedExForum Box Office."

This was part of the statement released by the Griz after they had to evacuate fans during the Clippers game (why anyone was even there is still a mystery to me) after something went wrong with the sprinkler system.

I fail to see how exactly the Grizzlies' management expect to provide fans a "world-class championship experience" by giving them free tickets to Grizzlies vs Timberwolves...

Seriously. I mean, at one time, those two squads would have been duking it out for the title of Worst Team in the Western Confernece. But the Griz are too good for that now. Which, again, is what I think led to this whole fiasco. The universe demands a balance. This won't be the last "incident."

O.J. Mayo, quote machine: "It was a little bit of adversity, something a little different. I just wanted to get back and start hoopin.' I didn't want them to call the game or postpone it. For some reason, it just seemed like it gave us a second chance. We were down 12 at the time. But this team has been through a lot of adversity so it was nothing new for us. We just had to stick together, go out there and play hard."

The Los Angeles Clippers: The evacuation must have rattled them. The Other L.A. Team led 89-77 with 47 seconds left in the third quarter when the building was cleared...and ended up losing 104-102 after play resumed.

Of course, Clippers coach Mike Dunleavy Sr. thinks that's a bunch of bullpoopy: "[The delay] had nothing to do with us losing. We came back in the fourth quarter. We got beat to loose balls and offensive rebounds." That last part might have something to do with...

Chris Kaman: The reigning Western Conference Player of the Week finished with zero points, zero rebounds, zero assists in zero minutes after he aggravated a sore back...during pregame warmups. That might partly explain why Marc Gasol -- who wasn't even supposed to play last night -- ended up with a co-team-high 24 points (10-for-14) and a game-high 15 rebounds.

Crazy-ass Stat of the Night: Memphis is 9-2 in games following a defeat since opening the season with a 1-8 record. Seriously.

The Washington Wizards Generals Bullets: The Detroit Pistons entered last night's game losers of 13 straight. They were without Tayshaun Prince, Ben Gordon and Will Bynum. Plus, they were playing their second road games on back-to-back nights, having lost by 33 points in Chicago the previous night. And the Washington players actually made it their mission to win this game. Said Nick Young: "We talked about it. We didn't want to be the team they beat."

How could the Bullets not pull this one out? Simple: 'cause they're the Bullets.

I mean, I guess there were a few tangible reasons. Three players missed the morning shootaround because they were being questioned in Agent Zero's gun investigation. Javaris "locked and loaded" Crittenton -- the teammate whose fight with Arenas led to the whole gun mess -- has been excused from attending practices or games until the legal issues are resolved. Andray Blatch was suspended from last night's game for being a dumbass. Mike Miller has been doing his best Greg Oden impression all season. Oh, and of course Gilbert Arenas didn't play. In fact, Washington management has fired up the Ultimate Nullifier in an attempt to wipe Gilbert's very memory out of existence.

What a mess.

"It's been a little chaotic around here for the most part the last couple days," said Caron Butler in what may be an early candidate for Understatement of the Year. "That's something that you don't want to have to keep revisiting. As a player, you want to focus on basketball and basketball only."

Translation: Please, God, let it end.

Added coach Flip Saunders: "We just weren't mentally alert." You know, as opposed to the other kinds of alert you can be.

Speaking of Flipper, he provided a little more info about the exchange that led to the Blatch suspension: "He said, 'Well, I didn't get a shot in a game.' If you're 6-10, 6-11, you can get a shot by getting an offensive rebound and getting shots. Anybody, whether it's him or anybody, that thinks a coach has to run plays to get you shots -- that's the sign of a team that's not going to be a very good team."

Well, that's one sign, anyway. One among a great many.

The Houston Rockets: The Pluckiest Underdogs in the West had their pluck plucked away by Stephen Jackson and his Charlotte Bobcats. Although, to be honest, it was mostly just Jackson, who shot 15-for-22 and scored 16 of his career-high 46 points in the decisive fourth quarter.

Said Trevor Ariza: "He hurt us. He's a really good player that can get hot at any time. Once he got going, we couldn't find a way to slow him down." Really? A hand in his face might have helped. Or maybe even a double team or two. I mean, we're still talking about Captain Jack, right? Did he drink a bottle of Kobe Bryant juice before the game or something?

Beyond their inability to defend the unstoppable-against-them Stephen Jackson, the Rockets committed five turnovers (including two shot clock violations) and missed nine three-pointers in the fourth quarter...which should tell you a few things about Houston's shot selection down the stretch. You don't win road games against good defensive teams by playing bombs away from deep.


The Los Angeles Lakers: Well...Mamba didn't play the fourth quarter because of back spasms, and Pau Gasol missed his fifth game because of a strained hamstring. I'm sure you see where this is going.

The Spurs rolled to a 105-85 victory -- their eighth win in the last 10 games -- while Lakers dropped their fourth straight road game, their longest road losing streak since they failed in five straight during March of 2007.

See?! The Spurs are contenders! Or...something.

Said Timmy D: "Obviously they're dealing with some injuries, and Kobe doesn't play in the fourth quarter or whatever it may be, but it's a great win for us. We'll take it where we can get it." Added Tony Parker: "Obviously Kobe didn't play the fourth, but a win is a win. We'll take it." You'll have to, guys. Your team is only 4-11 this season against teams that aren't sub-.500.

As for Lakers fans, they must be feeling a little twitchy after watching Kobe "I don't get injured, I get better" Bryant voluntarily left a game due to injury. Said Kobe: "I could barely move. I tried to orchestrate some things for my team, couldn't walk. I literally couldn't walk. It's the only way I don't play."

And that's the only way he'd ever attempt a season-low 10 field goals. But I digress. Mamba said he's "pretty sure" he'll play tonight in Dallas, then added "and I'll probably drop 50 on their asses" under his breath.

At any rate, the Lakers' real problem wasn't Kobe (who, after all, had 16 points on 7-for-10 shooting through three quarters), it was their defense, which allowed San Antonio to shoot nearly 57 percent. Oh, then there was the 27 points they gave up off 15 turnovers. You know, as I look at the circumstance and the stats, shouldn't the Spurs be a little worried they didn't win by 30 or more?

The Sacramento Kings: How does a team go from being up two points entering the final quarter to losing 109-88 at home? Well, by getting outscored 33-10 in the final 12 minutes for starters. But that's just simple mathematology, and math can't do justice to the 4-for-22 brick party the Kings held in the fourth quarter. Never have the words "It's like watching a bunch of retards try to hump a doorknob" been more appropriate.


Of course, Dwight Howard (30 points, 16 boards, 5 assists, 3 steals, 3 blocked shots) formed an unbreakable wall between the Kings and the hoop, which probably explains why the Sactowners got outscored 52-26 in the paint.

Said Beno Udrih: "They took advantage of everything we did wrong. We shot bad shots, missed good shots and they took advantage of that. They went on some fast breaks and got some buckets. We just cannot win like that."

Matt Painter, unintentionally dirty quote machine: Basketbawful reader Clifton submitted this quote by the coach of the Team That Shall Not Be Named: "Evan Turner had his way with all of our guys." Wow. Turner must be truly insatiable.

The NBA: Two teams were fined $10,000 each for standing in front of the bench. No, I'm not kidding.

Brandon Jennings: The rook made himself look silly by getting into a slap fight via Twitter with a fake Jordan Farmar. No, I'm still not kidding.

Best quote by the fake Farmar: "You started with the smack talking, and I ended it with the 2 threes. We even? Cool." Best response by the real Jennings: "but I'm not going to beef with you. See you should be worried about your spot. Shannon Brown(notes)??? That's all imma say."

You can expect "that's all imma say" to become a new tagline here.

Lacktion report: And now a brief lacktion report from Chris, who is no doubt still mourning the miserable loss by his Purple Paupers.

Lakers-Spurs: Sasha Vujacic machined himself a slab of gold worth 3.1 trillion (3:06) while Josh Powell baked a brick for a +1 suck differential in 4:21. Meanwhile, San Antonio's Theo Ratliff negated a block and two assists in 3:54 with a foul for a 1:0 Madsen-level Voskuhl.

Clippers-Grizzlies: In a game bawful enough to be delayed by a loading bay getting flooded, former Boston lacktator Lester Hudson immediately proved his worth in his Grizzlies debut by providing a celebratory +3 in 2:49 via foul and two bricks (one from Beale Street)!!!

Labels: Brandon Jennings, Houston Rockets, Kobe Bryant, Los Angeles Clippers, Los Angeles Lakers, Sacramento Kings, that's all imma say, Washington Wizards