As we reflect upon the sudden retirement of the distinguished benchwarmer that is Scal himself...

The Basketball Jones offers up a nice photo essay on his comic, but ultimately successful career.  MORE RINGS THAN MALONE AND STOCKTON AND BARKLEY I TELL YOU

After all, one has to admire the dedication and jumpsuit-wearing skills it takes to get a ring while looking exactly like this:


Good luck in your future endeavors, you renaissance man you.

Labels: Brian Scalabrine, Brian Scalabrine looks like a gigantic oompa loompa, lacktion, retirement

You thought Sunday night's All-Star game was the end of the All-Star festivities, didn't you? You were wrong. Oh, so bawfully wrong. What better way to celebrate President's Day than to hold the second annual Null-Star Game? (Hint: pretty much any other way is a better way to celebrate, but here we are.)

The Eastern Conference Null-Stars earned home court advantage as a result of their 41-23 ass-whuppin' victory in last year's game. The game was simulated in NBA 2K11 with five-minute quarters because referees threatened to walk out when we told them there'd be full-length quarters. Also, the only way we could lure fans was to offer a Ten Cent Beer Night, so we couldn't play too long, lest we see another riot. (Heaven help the poor bastard who hits Brian Scalabrine in the face with a beer. His championship ring will leave a mighty dent in your forehead.)

The rosters for this game were carefully chosen by reviewing the lacktion reports Chris has tracked all season, utilizing the highly advanced metrics of Marios, trillions, suck differentials, and Voskuhls. Here are your 2010-2011 Basketbawful Null-Stars:

Eastern Conference Null-Stars:

Starters:
Von Wafer, Celtics: 2 Super Mario Galaxies. 7 appearances with trillions for a combined total of 20.45 trillion, averaging 2.9 trillion per lacktive game. 5 suck differential games, for a total of +10.
Quinton Ross, Nyets: 3 Marios, averaging 24 seconds per Mario appearance. 4 suck differential games for a total of +11.
Jason Kapono, Sixers: 7 Marios, averaging 19.4 seconds per Mario apperance, with 2 Super Mario Galaxies.
Brian Scalabrine, Bulls: He's the Null-Star equivalent of Tim Duncan in this year's All-Star game, getting essentially the "lifetime achievement" spot. Yes, a lifetime achievement of towel-waving and contributing only on the rarest of occasions.
Joel Anthony, Heat: Total suck differential of +11, averaging +3.7 per lacktive appearance. 15 Voskuhls. Two triple zeros in one month.

Reserves:
Stephen Graham, Nyets: 4 suck differential games, +13 total, averaging +3.25.
Trevor Booker, Generals: 4 Marios, averaging 17 seconds, with 2 Super Mario Galaxies. Combined trillion efforts of 7.5 trillion, averaging 3.75 trillion per lacktive game.
Johan Petro, Nyets: 14 Voskuhls
Sherron Collins, Bobcraps: 3 Marios, averaging 10.7 seconds, with 2 Super Mario Galaxies. 4 suck differential games.
Semih Erden, Celtics: +12 total suck differential, averaging +6 per lacktive game.
Hilton Armstrong, Generals: 3 Marios, 11 Voskuhls.
Ryan Hollins, Cadavers: 9 Voskuhls.

Western Conference Null-Stars:

Starters:
Ronnie Price, Jazz: A combined effort of 10.2 trillion in just two lacktive efforts, averaging a mighty 5.1 trillion per game. 5 suck differential games for a total of +10.
Quincy Pondexter, Hornets: 3 games with trillions, for a total of 7 trillion, averaging 2.33 trillion per game. 4 appearances with suck differentials.
Luke Babbitt, Blazers: 6 appearances with suck differentials, and one of the few Blazers with working legs.
Darnell "Lacktion" Jackson, Kings: 5 Marios. A total +10 suck differential, averaging +3.3 per lacktive game.
Hasheem Thabeet, Grizzlies: 5 suck differential games, and 12 Voskuhls.

Reserves:
Willie Warren, Clippers: 10 total trillion in just two lacktive appearances, averaging a staggering 5 trillion per appearance.
Dan Gadzuric, Warriors: A total suck differential of +10, averaging +3.3 per lacktive game. 10 Voskuhls.
Jarron Collins, Clippers: 5 games with trillions, combining for 12.1 total trillion, averaging 2.42 trillion per lacktive game.
Steve Novak, Spurs: 3 Marios. 3 games with trillion box score lines. Most Bawful Player from the 2010 Null-Star game.
Kyrylo Fesenko, Jazz: 5 suck differential games, with a league-leading 16 Voskuhls.
Sam Young, Grizzlies: 5 suck differential games, for a combined +14.
Brian Cardinal, Mavericks: Averaging 2.43 trillion per lacktive appearance, plus 5 games with suck differentials.

And now, enjoy BawfulTV's coverage of the game. Here's Kevin Harlan and Clark Kellog with the call, and Doris Burke reporting from the sidelines. I didn't believe it was possible, but I'm fairly certain this game was even more bawful than last year's game. Prepare yourself for blown dunks, an over-and-back violation, and the worst shooting in the history of organized basketball.

1st Quarter:

2nd Quarter and Halftime Show:

3rd Quarter:

4th Quarter and Game Recap:


Box score:

Shooting Zones:

Lacktion report:
For the East, Ryan Hollins racked up one personal foul in four minutes for a +1. For the West, Sam Young had 5 missed shots, 2 fouls, and 1 turnover for a stunning +7 while Kyrylo Fesenko cashed in for 2 trillion.

Most Bawful Player:
While Sam Young did rack up a mighty lot of failure in his 9 minutes on the court, I have to give the nod to Luke Babbitt. Though he did add 6 points, 2 boards, and a steal, he also went 1-13 from the field and absolutely destroyed his team's offensive flow on nearly every possession, shooting bad jumper after bad jumper early in the shot clock. His game-worst -27 further proves his status as the Most Bawful Player.

Noteworthy:
Von Wafer nearly destroyed the civilized world with a dunk that approached Chaos Dunk territory. It decapitated everyone within several yards of the basket, as captured in this striking image:

And boom goes the dynamite.

Labels: 2011 Null-Star Game, All-Star Game, lacktion, Null Star

Make sure you come back later tonight and throughout the weekend for BAD, but in the meantime, we have a very special gift for you.

In addition to the All-Star Game, Dunk Contest, HORSE contest, etc. this weekend, there is one more activity that stands above the rest...

Basketbawful presents the 2010 Bawful Null-Star Game, presented by PowerBar, VitaminWater, and of course Sprite and T-Mobile whose names are plastered absolutely everywhere in NBA 2K10.

The home team was selected through a highly sophisticated randomization method (I flipped a coin). The Eastern Conference Null-Stars ended up being declared the home team. The game was played in NBA 2K10 with five-minute quarters because referees could not be expected to stay awake for that long.

The rosters for this game were carefully chosen, with great research put into determining who should best represent the Assocation's large group of lacktators. (Yes, I find this delightfully ironic, considering Chris and I put effort into examining something that is often centered around not expending effort). Most players are current lacktators, but we had to honor some legendary lacktators, such as Mario West and Cheikh Samb. Also, sadly, Cedric "Lacktion II: Electric Boogaloo" Jackson was not eligible since he has played such a short time in only the past couple weeks. (In other words, he wasn't in the game yet and I didn't feel like firing up the Create a Player tool. I had already spent way too much effort creating the teams, picking rosters, filming the game, editing the videos, and uploading them. I'm sure you understand)

Starting for the Eastern Conference Null-Stars:
Dominic McGuire, SF (Bullets)
Darnell Jackson, PF (Crabs)
Fabricio Oberto, C (Bullets)
Mario West, SG (Hawks)
Jeff Teague, PG (Hawks)

The Eastern Conference reserves:
Tarence Kinsey, Jawad Williams, Darko Milicic, Jason Kapono, Desagana Diop, Brian Scalabrine, and Cheikh Samb

Starting for the Western Conference Null-Stars:
Quinton Ross, SF (Mavericks)
Steve Novak, PF (Clippers)
DJ Mbenga, C (Lakers)
Malik Hairston, SG (Spurs)
Sasha Vujacic, PG (Lakers)

The Western Conference reserves:
Pops Mensah-Bonsu, Adam Morrison, Josh Powell, Brian Cardinal, Kyrylo Fesenko, Kosta Koufos, and Sun Yue

In case you're wondering, Jake Voskuhl was the reserve in case any of the players had to miss the Null-Star game due to unforseen circumstances such as injury, a debilitating VitaminWater addiction, getting suspended due to using PEBs (Performance Enhancing PowerBars), or staying home due to general apathy. He did not, however, get to play, and that is sad.

Are you ready to see lots of turnovers and bad jumpers? Watch the whole game below! Calling the action for BawfulTV are Kevin Harlan and Clark Kellogg, with Cheryl Miller on the sidelines.

(Note: the action picks up and the intensity level rises as the game goes on, of course, but even the first half is worth watching. The entire game is full of comedically bad basketball, including dribbling out of bounds, and a foul on a three-point shot in the first half!)

First Quarter

Second Quarter

Third Quarter

Fourth Quarter


Box Score:


Lacktion Report:For the Eastern Conference, Brian Scalabrine threw the rock away for a +1 in 3 minutes. For the Western Conference, Brian Cardinal cashed in on his Null-Star status for 4 trillion.

Labels: 2010 Null Star Game, lacktion, Mario West, Null Star, Steve Novak

...for Mario West -- a.k.a. Super Mario, a.k.a. Mario "The Mario" West, a.k.a. THE Mario West -- who was unceremoniously cut by the Atlanta Hawks today.

Mario West may never be scored on by LeBron James again.Think about that. Did you get cold chills? Me too...me too.
Mario did more than inspire a new word of the day that revolutionized the way we report lacktion. This kid stuck around the NBA -- alongside the best basketball players in the world -- on sheer determination and effort.

If I worked as hard at my job as Mario did at his, I'd probably be typing this post from my secret Moon Base while Kate Beckinsale frolicked in my space pool and my pet dogs feasted on the bones of my enemies. Huh. I wonder if Mario would be interested in an internship opportunity now that he's unemployed...

Hat Tip: To everyone who e-mailed or commented to me about this sad news.

Labels: Damn I'm gonna miss this guy, lacktion, Mario West

Mario: Action denied.
It's been nearly one year since the Mario was anonymously coined here at BasketBawful. Since then, we've seen a few new statistical revolutions, such as suck differential and the Voskhul, joining the trillion as this blog's Big Four lacktion stats. For your bawful pleasure, I looked deep into the true nature of what Mario West has given the world.

Atlanta's total record: 82 games, 47-35 (57.3%). Of course, they finished better than last year (37-45, 45.1%), so percentages should be looked at relatively.

In honored tradition, let us examine Mario West's 2008-09 end of season statistics with Atlanta's game results:

Mario DNP: 29 games, 14-15 (48.3%)
Super Mario: 3 games, 1-2 (33.3%)
Mario: 17 games, 13-4 (76.5%!!)
No Mario: 27 games, 15-12 (55.6%)
Wario: 6 games, 4-2 (66.7%!)

The positive trend is similar to last year, but notably Mario's Marios increased correlation to an improved Hawks' winning percentage. But how faithful is Mario to these Mushroom Kingdom stats (26 games out of 53)? Additional lacktion numbers:

• Mario's Mario shooting stats: 100% FG%! 100% 3PT%! No wonder the win% is so high.
  
• Total season suck differential: only +6 over 6 games! Each was only +1!
  
• Total Voskuhls: 14. With this year's new Voskuhl metric, Mario recorded only one outstanding Voskuhl, 8:4. Additional, he had a 7:6, a 2:0, two 2:1, and nine 1:0.

And last, but not least...

• Total trillions: 0! Mario West has not once this season recorded a true trillion! (All 11 "trillions" were under a minute long, as Marios)! I am crying bawful tears of joy and honor right now.

But it doesn't stop there. Do you realize how short the list is since 1946 of players averaging under 6 MPG but playing over 50 games a season? Even shorter is the list of players averaging under 1.0 PPG but playing over 50 games? Both of his seasons have made these lists!

Maybe it's too early to call, but we are witnessing historic lacktion in the making. Someday, the BasketBawful Hall of Fame may be renamed the Mario West Hall of Lacktion. Who knows? But we will be there to tell the tale, the legend, of Mario West, lacktion visionary.

Mario must spread his own legendfrom -- surprise! -- the bench.
About the author: AnacondaHL is the Chief Internet Media Relations and Security Officer for Basketbawful and a grizzled Internet veteran who watches in despair as his favorite team, the Phoenix Suns, prepare for the 2009 draft. When not wasting time at his Clark Kent job to read BasketBawful, he can be found playing the Internet computer game du jour, watching animes about robots playing basketball (serious. ly.), wondering why the Diamondbacks have seven team colors, and browsing other obscure things on the Internet. He hopes someday to learn four languages, discover a completely un-theorized particle of quantum physics, become the undisputed StarCraft champion of the universe in all 11-dimensions, name the largest number in the world after himself, and to eat a crab grown in Akron.

Labels: guest author, lacktion, Mario West