Marc Gasol's favorite food? Manwich.
The New Orleans Hornets: Well, then. Make it 3-9 since Hornets coach Monty Williams made his infamous "our record might be fool's gold" comment. And I think the ship be sinkin'. Of course, help might be on the way, in the form of four sub-.500 teams in their next five games (Paupers, Pissed-ons, Pacers and Nyets).

But for now, it was yet another offensive castration the Buzzing Bugs, who finished with only 84 points on 41 percent shooting. Other un-notables included their 1-for-13 three-point shooting and their nine-point fourth quarter.

New Orleans hasn't reached the 100-point mark since November 19. That's 13 straight games of pure scoring futility. Pretty soon, we're going to see Chris Paul dressed in a Santa Claus costume and ringing bells on street corners. Only instead of money he's going to be asking people to donate baskets. The Hornets freakin' need 'em.

Said Paul: "We need to get a win so we could see how it feels."

As for the Heat, they've won nine straight games, all by double digits. According to ESPN Stats and Information, that leaves them one win short of matching the NBA record. Which, for the record, is co-held by the 2007-08 Houston Rockets, the 2003-04 New Jersey Nyets and the 1946-47 Washington Capitols.

Also for the record, those three teams combined for zero NBA titles.

Chris Paul: A lowly 3-for-10 from the field and only 5 assists. And one eyeball pointed directly at New York. Or...anywhere.

The "rest" of the Heat: The Heat are going to continue to roll as long as Dwyane Wade (32 points, 8-for-13, 14-for-17 from the line), Chris Bosh (23 points, 11 rebounds) and LeBron James (20 points, 7 assists) do, well, pretty much everything.

Here's the sum total of what fellow starters Zydrunas Ilgauskas and Carlos Arroyo contributed last night: 9 points, 4-for-12, 10 rebounds, 5 assists, 3 blocks, 7 fouls. Meanwhile, the bench came through with 11 points (3-for-11), 6 rebounds, 3 assists, 3 steals, 3 blocks and 10 fouls. Oh, and two DNP-CDs (Eddie House and Jamaal Magloire).

Note that, despite yet another double-digit win, Lebron (40 minutes), Wade (30) and Bosh (38) logged quite a few minutes. I think coach 'Spo knows that's too many, right?

One last thing: An anonymous commenter left this link. It gives the secret of Miami's recent success. This is great.

Especially because when Miami does give maximum effort, it is one of the best defensive teams in the league. Early in the season, when they were basically a .500 team, the Heat's defensive efforts varied nightly and it was a factor in their unsteady play.

So Spoelstra has come up with a deal. It is not an unheard-of proposition. In fact, it is right in the coach's handbook. But originality isn't important -- execution is. And during the Heat's winning streak, their execution has earned a solid A.

Here's how it works: If the Heat get a stop on defense, there will be no play call. In general, the players can just run, jump and play. Like good old recess.

But if they take the ball out of the basket, then they've got to look over at the bench for instructions.

"Coach has said if y'all get rebounds, y'all can do whatever you want," Wade said. "As players we enjoy that. When the ball goes through the basket then we have to do what he wants us to do."

Playing Defense + Rebounding = License to Chuck. You can't make this stuff up.

Still, at least 'Spo's laissez faire coaching is leading to plays like these. Thanks to Basketbawful reader kazaam92 for the link.


The Golden State Warriors: Speaking of ships that be sinking, how about the Warriors, who have lost seven straight games and 12 of their last 13?

Golden State gave up 18 points off 19 turnovers. Furthermore, the Warriors were outscored 50-26 in the paint and 24-11 on the fast break. They had 18 offensive rebounds...but they offset their advantage on the glass and some decent three-point shooting (11-for-25) by shanking 11 free throws.

Of course, the game was still reasonably close before Deron Williams went apeshit, scoring 11 points in the first five minutes of the fourth quarter to help the Jazz run away with it.

Said Warriors coach Keith Smart: "That's what you pay players like that for. You pay them for fourth-quarter heroics, to take over a game and make plays and make big shots. That's why your team moves from one level to another level. "

I wonder if Smart was giving (16 points, 7-for-16, 7 turnovers) the stink eye when he said that.

By the way, Williams finished with 30 points (8-for-16, 4-for-8 on threes, 10-for-11 from the line) to go with 10 assists and 6 rebounds. And to think, as recently as the beginning of last season, a lot of people -- maybe even most people -- thought CP3 was the runaway winner in the "Who's better: Paul or Williams?" point guard debate.

The Portland Frail Blazers: ZACH SMASH PUNY BLAZERS!!

That's right. Zach was vintage Zach last night. Minus the crazy dribbling and air-balled threes. Z-Bo went all Animal Style on the Frail Blazers, going off for 25 points and 20 rebounds, as Portland looked softer inside than a chocolate marshmallow Santa Claus. Which I love and can get three for a dollar at Wal-Greens. But I digress.

Portland had won eight straight games in Memphis, a streak that had lasted nearly five years. But Randolph, who had his fourth 20-20 game with the Care Bears, proved that he doesn't read history books. Or anything else for that matter.

Said Zach: "I just try to be aggressive and hit the glass on both ends and play around the basket."

Keepin' it simple. I like that.

You know, usually holding your opponent to only 86 points on 38 percent shooting will get you a win in the NBA. Not for the Blazers, though, not last night.

The thing is, the Blazers had outscored the Griz 22-12 in the third quarter. Then they got outscored 25-9 in the fourth.

Said Andre Millier: "We had a bad fourth quarter. The most important quarter, and it killed us. That was the game right there."

By the way, that fourth quarter was Portland's lowest-scoring quarter of the season. What's more, the Blazers -- who scored 78 points against the Spurs on Sunday and then only 73 last night in Memphis -- finished with a season-low total for the second straight game.

They must have caught whatever the Hornets have.

Said Portland coach Nate McMillan: "I think the [starting] five, those guys are gassed. I think they have played some heavy minutes. We need the bench to give us a breather. In the fourth quarter, down the stretch, we [are] not able to score late in ball games."

Brandon Roy: 38 minutes. 16 shots. 7 points. At this point, he's barely a shadow of Wesley Matthews. This is getting sad. And ugly.

Greg Oden: Whenever the Blazers get stomped on by an opposing frontcourt player, do you ever find yourself wondering, "What if Greg Oden had a normal human body not made out of used tin foil and scraps of soggy cardboard?" I know I do.

In fact, here's a quick production by position update from 82games.com. You know, in case you were wondering what frontcourt players were doing against the Blazers:

Small Forwards: 21.7 PPG, 56% FGP, 8.1 RPG.
Power Forwards: 20.0 PPG, 56% FPG, 10.7 RPG
Centers: 15.3 PPG, 50% FPG, 11.0 RPG

Tony Allen, quote machine: "It ain't Chinese algebra. If you get stops, and you execute on offense, normally that teams wins."

"It ain't Chinese algebra" is now my new favorite phrase ever.

Rudy Gay, quote machine: "Defense wins games. It's the oldest saying in the book."

Rudy Gay...talking about defense?! Mental note: Time to check Gay's basement for Body Snatcher Pods.

The Dallas Mavericks: Back on November 19, Dallas lost at home to the Bulls and then ripped off a 12-game winning streak. A streak that ended last night. At home. To the Milwaukee Bucks.

I guess the Central Division is the Mavericks' Kryptonite or something.

Mind you, we probably should have seen this coming. On Saturday, Dallas blew a 25-point lead against the Comeback Jazz before eking out a close win. Last night, they went up by 20 points (42-22) in the second quarter and then hit the snooze button.

Mistake.

Said Tyson Chandler: "This was a game we should have won, a game we clearly had under control. We let them back in it."

Memo to Tyson: Milwaukee scored 52 points in the paint. Protecting the paint is your very specific duty. As always, I'm just sayin'.

Added Mavs coach Rick Carlisle: "This kind of slippage we've seen all too often."

I'm sure Dallas fans are nodding vigorously at that one.

Carlisle continued: "I've got to coach harder, the players have got to be more conscientious, we've got to do better than we did tonight."

More conscientious? I don't think helping old ladies across the street is going to help. But, hey, I'm not an NBA coach. What do I know.

But seriously, the Mavericks are going to look back at this one and wonder what the hell happened. Two Bucks starters went scoreless (Luc Richard Mbah a Moute and Larry Sanders) and Milwaukee's big three offseason signings (Corey Maggette, Drew Gooden and John Salmons) went 7-for-21 from the field.

Bonus stats that might mean something: The Mavericks went 5-for-20 from beyond the arc and bricked seven free throws (0-for-4 by Brendan Haywood).

The Indiana Pacers: Can't fault the Pacers too much for this loss. After all, they had to play on the road against a hot team -- the Bulls have now won six straight for the first time since 2006 -- without Danny Granger. And they actually hung in this one until the Stags ripped off a 19-4 run to finish the game.

And yet...Indy has gone 2-5 since back-to-back road wins over the Lakers and Kings gave them a 9-7 record. They're playing good D (9th in Defensive Rating) but their O is bad (21st in Offensive Rating) and devolves into jump shooting by the end of most games. It's amazing that a team that ranks 8th in Pace could be 18th in PPG. But there you have it.

With all due respect to Rudy Gay, it takes defense and offense to win games. I know, I know. It ain't Chinese algebra.

Antoine Walker and Mario West Watch: From Basketbawful reader Benjamin Grenier:

News about D League team Maine Red Claws.

The Red Claws host Antoine Walker and the Stampede on Thursday (7 p.m.) and Sunday (5 p.m.), while also sandwiching a visit to Springfield Friday night. Keep an eye on this space for more on Walker's return later this week.

I live 45 minutes from Portland, Maine, you can be sure I will be going to one, maybe both of these games.

also in the same article

"Maine also announced that Jan. 6 will be Mario West Bobblehead Night, with the first 1,000 fans receiving the collectible courtesy of Wright Express.

'In addition to being a fan-favorite and one of the hardest working players on the team, Mario West’s name will forever be in the Red Claws’ history books as the first player in team history to earn a call-up to the NBA,' said Red Claws president and general manager Jon Jennings. 'We wanted to do something that, not only the fans would enjoy, but that would honor Mario’s unique place in Red Claws’ history.'"

Benjamin, on behalf of everybody who follows this site, we demand a book report if you attend either (or both) of those games.

Chris's Lacktion Report:

Hornets-Heat: Aaron Gray went 100% from the field AND from the stripe in 10:43, totalling an impressive 4 points for the insects from Louisiana...only to lose the rock twice and foul five times for a 7:4 Voskuhl.

Pacers-Bulls: Omer Asik provided the heifers with one assist in 2:35...and one giveaway for a 1:0 Madsen-level Voskuhl.

Frail Blazers-Grizzlies: Nioclas Batum barged into the ledger tonight by bricking twice in 8:36 (once from the Peabody Hotel) for a +2 suck differential, while Sean Marks negated two boards in 4:56 with a trio of fouls for a 3:2 Voskuhl.

Bucks-Mavs: Steve Novak is BACK for Dallas once more! 10 seconds of trying to find Wario's gold coins resulted in a Mario.

Warriors-Jazz: Charlie Bell rang up a brick from Pioneer Park for a +1 in 5:09, while Dan Gadzuric countered one made free throw in 8:44 with two fouls for a 2:1 Voskuhl. Jeremy Lin and Ekpe Udoh can now afford the cost of living back in the Warriors' Bay Area abode, after 1.35 (1:21) trillion for Mr. Lin and an exact 1 trillion for Udoh!

Labels: Mario West, New Orleans Hornets, Worst of the Night

Make sure you come back later tonight and throughout the weekend for BAD, but in the meantime, we have a very special gift for you.

In addition to the All-Star Game, Dunk Contest, HORSE contest, etc. this weekend, there is one more activity that stands above the rest...

Basketbawful presents the 2010 Bawful Null-Star Game, presented by PowerBar, VitaminWater, and of course Sprite and T-Mobile whose names are plastered absolutely everywhere in NBA 2K10.

The home team was selected through a highly sophisticated randomization method (I flipped a coin). The Eastern Conference Null-Stars ended up being declared the home team. The game was played in NBA 2K10 with five-minute quarters because referees could not be expected to stay awake for that long.

The rosters for this game were carefully chosen, with great research put into determining who should best represent the Assocation's large group of lacktators. (Yes, I find this delightfully ironic, considering Chris and I put effort into examining something that is often centered around not expending effort). Most players are current lacktators, but we had to honor some legendary lacktators, such as Mario West and Cheikh Samb. Also, sadly, Cedric "Lacktion II: Electric Boogaloo" Jackson was not eligible since he has played such a short time in only the past couple weeks. (In other words, he wasn't in the game yet and I didn't feel like firing up the Create a Player tool. I had already spent way too much effort creating the teams, picking rosters, filming the game, editing the videos, and uploading them. I'm sure you understand)

Starting for the Eastern Conference Null-Stars:
Dominic McGuire, SF (Bullets)
Darnell Jackson, PF (Crabs)
Fabricio Oberto, C (Bullets)
Mario West, SG (Hawks)
Jeff Teague, PG (Hawks)

The Eastern Conference reserves:
Tarence Kinsey, Jawad Williams, Darko Milicic, Jason Kapono, Desagana Diop, Brian Scalabrine, and Cheikh Samb

Starting for the Western Conference Null-Stars:
Quinton Ross, SF (Mavericks)
Steve Novak, PF (Clippers)
DJ Mbenga, C (Lakers)
Malik Hairston, SG (Spurs)
Sasha Vujacic, PG (Lakers)

The Western Conference reserves:
Pops Mensah-Bonsu, Adam Morrison, Josh Powell, Brian Cardinal, Kyrylo Fesenko, Kosta Koufos, and Sun Yue

In case you're wondering, Jake Voskuhl was the reserve in case any of the players had to miss the Null-Star game due to unforseen circumstances such as injury, a debilitating VitaminWater addiction, getting suspended due to using PEBs (Performance Enhancing PowerBars), or staying home due to general apathy. He did not, however, get to play, and that is sad.

Are you ready to see lots of turnovers and bad jumpers? Watch the whole game below! Calling the action for BawfulTV are Kevin Harlan and Clark Kellogg, with Cheryl Miller on the sidelines.

(Note: the action picks up and the intensity level rises as the game goes on, of course, but even the first half is worth watching. The entire game is full of comedically bad basketball, including dribbling out of bounds, and a foul on a three-point shot in the first half!)

First Quarter

Second Quarter

Third Quarter

Fourth Quarter


Box Score:


Lacktion Report:For the Eastern Conference, Brian Scalabrine threw the rock away for a +1 in 3 minutes. For the Western Conference, Brian Cardinal cashed in on his Null-Star status for 4 trillion.

Labels: 2010 Null Star Game, lacktion, Mario West, Null Star, Steve Novak

...for Mario West -- a.k.a. Super Mario, a.k.a. Mario "The Mario" West, a.k.a. THE Mario West -- who was unceremoniously cut by the Atlanta Hawks today.

Mario West may never be scored on by LeBron James again.Think about that. Did you get cold chills? Me too...me too.
Mario did more than inspire a new word of the day that revolutionized the way we report lacktion. This kid stuck around the NBA -- alongside the best basketball players in the world -- on sheer determination and effort.

If I worked as hard at my job as Mario did at his, I'd probably be typing this post from my secret Moon Base while Kate Beckinsale frolicked in my space pool and my pet dogs feasted on the bones of my enemies. Huh. I wonder if Mario would be interested in an internship opportunity now that he's unemployed...

Hat Tip: To everyone who e-mailed or commented to me about this sad news.

Labels: Damn I'm gonna miss this guy, lacktion, Mario West

THE Mario West leaves nothing to chance for lacktivity-- and is rewarded with a trip to the second round!
With the opening act of the 2009 NBA Playoffs complete, here's a brief rundown of the top non-performers in the Association after these initial-round series have completed. And yes, for lacktion enthusiasts (read: AnacondaHL), I have compiled these critical metrics in EXCEL FORMAT for you to digest!

42 total lacktators in the first round, here's the top five in total duration:
1. Nicholas Batum (Blazers) - 16:03 (in games 3 and 5)
2. Tony Allen (Celtics) - 11:34 (in games 1, 2, and 4)
3. Darnell "Lacktion" Jackson (Cavs) - 9:45 (in games 1, 2, and 4)
4. Eddie House (Celtics) - 9:39 (in game 5)
5. Stephon Marbury (Celtics) - 7:58 (in game 6)

Three-time lacktators:
- Tony Allen (Celtics)
- Darnell "Lacktion" Jackson (Cavs)
- Chucky Hayes (Rockets) (7:47 in games 1, 4, and 6)

Atlanta leads all teams with most lacktators, Mike Woodson having sent out EIGHT different potential human victory cigars! (Speedy Claxton, Othello Hunter, Mario West, Solomon Jones, Acie Law, Randolph Morris, Thomas Gardner, Marvin Williams)

31 players have racked up a suck differential...
Largest single-game SD score: Darnell "Lacktion" Jackson (Cavs) (+5 in 6:20), Game 2
Largest combined SD score: Darnell "Lacktion" Jackson (Cavs) (+7)

12 trillionares so far in the postseason
Richest man in the playoffs: George Hill (Spurs) (4.95 trillion)
Most prolific venture capitalist: Chucky Hayes (Rockets) (3.35 trillion in game 1, 1.5 trillion in Game 6)

16 ballers have floored it in a Mario Kart free-for-all derby, with three instances of Mario Brothers but no Super Mario Brothers yet...
Super Marios: Othello Hunter (Hawks) (6 seconds in Game 1), Tony Allen (Celtics) (4 seconds in Game 2), and James Singleton (Mavs) (9 seconds in Game 4)
Two-time Power Glove wearers: Ryan Hollins (Mavs) (games 1 and 5), James Singleton (Mavs) (games 1 and 4), Lindsey Hunter (Bulls) (game 4 and 5)

...oh and yes, THE Mario West stomped on a Koopa shell in Game 2, living up to his namesake.

14 big men bawfully honored the least terrifying mesolithic center of our age...
Worst Voskuhl ratios:
Kwame "#1 Overall" Brown (Pistons) - 7:3 in 18:38, game 2
Matt Bonner (Spurs) - 5:1 in 21:55, game 4
Hilton Armstrong (Hornets) - 7:3 in 12:00, game 4
Most Voskuhls: Jamaal Magloire (Heat) with three (games 2, 4, and 7); four other players each had two - Ryan Hollins (Mavs), Matt Bonner (Spurs), Andrew Bynum (Lakers) and Randolph Morris (Heat)

About the author: Chris is a Sacramento resident and Bay Area native who is surrounded by all forms of bawful, from The Oracle to Arco Arena (or whatever barn the Maloofs can milk the most profit from in the near future). After all, when you live in a town in which an ex-trillionare champion (John Salmons) is the home team's starter, is there much to be expected on the positive front? No. So Chris has made it his goal to become the Bill James or Hubie Brown of lacktivity, seeing how abundant it has become in Northern California. Outside of his life as a lacktion statistician, he follows a random collection of other sports (auto racing, ice hockey, snooker, boxing)...

Labels: lacktion report, Mario West, NBA playoffs, Stephon Marbury

Mario: Action denied.
It's been nearly one year since the Mario was anonymously coined here at BasketBawful. Since then, we've seen a few new statistical revolutions, such as suck differential and the Voskhul, joining the trillion as this blog's Big Four lacktion stats. For your bawful pleasure, I looked deep into the true nature of what Mario West has given the world.

Atlanta's total record: 82 games, 47-35 (57.3%). Of course, they finished better than last year (37-45, 45.1%), so percentages should be looked at relatively.

In honored tradition, let us examine Mario West's 2008-09 end of season statistics with Atlanta's game results:

Mario DNP: 29 games, 14-15 (48.3%)
Super Mario: 3 games, 1-2 (33.3%)
Mario: 17 games, 13-4 (76.5%!!)
No Mario: 27 games, 15-12 (55.6%)
Wario: 6 games, 4-2 (66.7%!)

The positive trend is similar to last year, but notably Mario's Marios increased correlation to an improved Hawks' winning percentage. But how faithful is Mario to these Mushroom Kingdom stats (26 games out of 53)? Additional lacktion numbers:

• Mario's Mario shooting stats: 100% FG%! 100% 3PT%! No wonder the win% is so high.
  
• Total season suck differential: only +6 over 6 games! Each was only +1!
  
• Total Voskuhls: 14. With this year's new Voskuhl metric, Mario recorded only one outstanding Voskuhl, 8:4. Additional, he had a 7:6, a 2:0, two 2:1, and nine 1:0.

And last, but not least...

• Total trillions: 0! Mario West has not once this season recorded a true trillion! (All 11 "trillions" were under a minute long, as Marios)! I am crying bawful tears of joy and honor right now.

But it doesn't stop there. Do you realize how short the list is since 1946 of players averaging under 6 MPG but playing over 50 games a season? Even shorter is the list of players averaging under 1.0 PPG but playing over 50 games? Both of his seasons have made these lists!

Maybe it's too early to call, but we are witnessing historic lacktion in the making. Someday, the BasketBawful Hall of Fame may be renamed the Mario West Hall of Lacktion. Who knows? But we will be there to tell the tale, the legend, of Mario West, lacktion visionary.

Mario must spread his own legendfrom -- surprise! -- the bench.
About the author: AnacondaHL is the Chief Internet Media Relations and Security Officer for Basketbawful and a grizzled Internet veteran who watches in despair as his favorite team, the Phoenix Suns, prepare for the 2009 draft. When not wasting time at his Clark Kent job to read BasketBawful, he can be found playing the Internet computer game du jour, watching animes about robots playing basketball (serious. ly.), wondering why the Diamondbacks have seven team colors, and browsing other obscure things on the Internet. He hopes someday to learn four languages, discover a completely un-theorized particle of quantum physics, become the undisputed StarCraft champion of the universe in all 11-dimensions, name the largest number in the world after himself, and to eat a crab grown in Akron.

Labels: guest author, lacktion, Mario West

The Washington Wizards: Well, they lost to the Portland Trail Blazers at home last night, which is no shame in and of itself. After all, in case you haven't noticed, the Blazers have quietly won six games in a row and accumulated a 14-6 record...second-best in the West and fifth overall in the league (behind the Celtics, Lakers, Cavaliers and Magic). Still, the loss dropped the Gandalfs to only 2-7 at home and an Eastern Conference worst 3-11. That's right: The Wiz are a full THREE games worse than the Charlotte Bobcats.

But, hey, at least they came within six points of the Blazers and were right there at the end. That's gotta count for something right? Or maybe not. Interim coach Ed Tapscott said: "Close only counts in horse shoes and hand grenades, you know?" Well, it also counts in nuke, gunshot wounds...okay, "close" is looking pretty scary, so I'll quit while I'm, uh, alive.

Brandon Roy, going-left machine: "My whole life, guys send me left. I come to the bench, and my teammates are joking, 'Oh, you went left.' I'm like, 'Which way did he give me? He gave me left.' You give me right, I'll take right. But right now they're giving me left, and I do whatever I can to make plays out there." Just so everybody knows: Brandon can score go left.

The Minnesota Timberwolves: Despite forcing 19 turnovers and a 42-31 rebounding edge -- including a 16-3 advantage on the offensive glass -- the Timberpups STILL suffered a double-digit loss to the Magic. Mostly 'cause Orlando shot a season-high 57 percent...despite the fact that their starting backcourt is still out with injuries. Memo to Minny: You have to do more than just hope the other team misses. Sometimes you actually have to participate in a little thing we call "hand in the face." It actually kinda works sometimes. But hey, I'm no expert. Go ahead and keep using the "wish defense" if you like.

Of course, Wolves coach Randy Wittman thinks his team's problem is on the offensive end of the floor. "Through three quarters we got great looks, we just couldn't put it in. You've got to score against this team." And that, Randy, is the kind of attitude that has helped your team earn the league's sixth-worst mark in field goal percentage defense (46.7) and the fifth-worst mark in three-point defense (37.8). You might want to consider leaving the "We'll just outscore the other team" strategy to Mike D'Antoni.

Brian Cardinal: The line: Seven minutes, 43 seconds and zero-for-everything...a near eight trillion. Ben Q. Rock of the Third Quarter Collapse said: "Probably the closest we'll ever see anyone come to Damon Jones' hallowed 12 trillion." Maybe, maybe not. After all, yesterday Basketbawful reader 747 left the following comment: "Though not as epic as the Damon Jones game, on April 2, 2002, my sister's birthday no less, Carlos Arroyo had a 12 trillion." So don't worry, Ben. There's always hope for greater trillions!

The Memphis Grizzlies: Remember how about a month ago the Grizzlies won a few games (two against the Warriors and one against the Kings) and everybody got all excited about how this team was "ahead of schedule" and all that. Okay, "excited" is a strong word, because anybody who can't be referred to as "mom," "dad" or "baby mama" by somebody affiliated with this team is medically incapable of being excited about them. But anyway, all that early optimism has [SHOCK ALERT!!] given way to 11 losses in their last 12 games, including the current 7-game streak of futility. But there's good news: Two of the baby bears' next four games are against the Clippers and the Thunder, and I'm going to go way out on a limb and predict they go at least .500 in those two games. You heard it here first.

Darko Milicic: Nothing's really changed. Darko continues to be one of the most disappointing second overall picks of the last, well, forever. But here's an update anyway: The Dark One played 19 minutes last night, shooting 0-for-1 and finishing with more fouls (4) than rebounds (3) or points (2). He was 2-for-2 from the foul line, though. Just so you understand I can sometimes see that the glass is half full. Of crap.

Maurice Evans: No points in 16 minutes is kind of embarrassing...but shooting 0-for-7 (including 0-for-5 from downtown) is downright shameful. Shame, Maurice! Shame! And I've got a rolled up newspaper with your name on it.

Mario West: Lived up to his name by putting in a 19-second Mario. ADORABLE SAD FACE.

The Klahma City Thunder: Better grab hold of those socks so they don't blow off your feet, but the Thunder showed actual signs of offense last night: The NBA's worst shooting team (at 42.4 percent) blistered the Bobcats with 54 percent sniping. And yet still managed to lose. They are now a league-worst 2-17.

Continuing on with the "glass half full of crap" theme, Kevin Durant said: "Tonight was better than most losses because we did some things well." Huh. Maybe, for the mental health of everybody in the Thunder franchise, the NBA should add a new column in the season standings for "Losses That Are Better Than Most."

Matt Carroll: A big tip of the hat goes out to Carroll, whose 13-second Mario for the Bobcats should make Mario West feel less like a complete human failure and more like an only almost-complete human failure. [Basketbawful realizes Mario West is making $700,000 this season while Matt Carroll is making over $5,000,000...then weeps silently to himself.]

Emeka Okafor: I know what you're saying: Basketbawful, how can you possibly bust on a guy coming off his best two games of the season? (Emeka scored 25 points on 8-for-11 shooting and snared 13 boards last night, while on Monday he scored 24 on 9-for-14 from the field and grabbed 10 rebounds.) Well, it's because Basketbawful reader Jacob C sent me the following email after Monday's game: "Are you aware that this man has played 569 minutes this year and has 6 assists? How can those be real numbers? That is only 6 assists more than I have on the season. That's one assist every 90 minutes. I'm pretty sure that those can't be real numbers. Don't you accidentally pick up more assists than that? I realize those 'Cats are not good but that is completely absurd."

True enough, and it only got more absurd last night when Okafor played another 38 minutes without registering an assist. So, the numbers are: 607 minutes, 141 shot attempts, 36 turnovers and only 6 assists.

I relayed this information to my buddy Statbuster last night, and he said, "Wow. Those numbers make Kevin McHale look like John Stockton. Or they make Yinka Dare look like Kevin McHale." (Dare, you may remember, was named Basketbawful's Worst Passer Ever for playing 1,002 minutes in 110 games over a four-year career and dishing out only four assists.) Good times. I guess his given name, "Chukwuemeka," is Nigerian for "Doesn't pass."

Michael Jordan, the concerned owner: Sean May, who had his best game of the season last night (10 points, 11 rebounds), was taken out of last night's game during the third quarter because of extreme out-of-breathness. Fortunately, part-owner Michael Jordan was there to mock him: "Mike said, 'Do you need an oxygen mask?'" May said. "I said, 'No, just give me a couple minutes and I'll be fine.'" I'm surprised MJ didn't ask if May needed a bra for his man-boobage.

The New York Knicks: What can you say about a 36-point drubbing in which Quentin Richardson got himself ejected and Chris Duhon (1-for-9, 4 assists, 6 turnovers) played less like Steve Nash and more like, well, Chris Duhon? If you're Mike D'Antoni, I guess you can talk about how tired your team is. Said D'Antoni: "This is the thing you run into when you run into a good team without any gas in your tank and it showed. Things just unraveled. I think everyone was frustrated. I think you get frustrated when you're tired." You know what else is frustrating? When you suck.

Update! Man love in Cleveland: Basketbawful reader Edgar C found this on TrueHoop: "After the game nearly the entire Cavs team stayed in the shower area for an hour. They were leaning against walls, sitting on counters and enjoying adult beverages all in towels. They were talking, making fun of each other, hanging out. It may seem like normal locker room behavior, but it isn't. Maybe these guys go hang out with each other in groups after the games at restaurants or their houses. But in my six years covering the Cavs I'd never seen that after a game. The season is long, trying times are certainly ahead, but the team is more than just winning, they are enjoying doing it with each other." And the title of the article this came from? "Cavs enjoying each others' company." Oh yes it is. According to preliminary estimates, this event ranked just after Clay Aiken on the Gay Scale.

The Philadelphia crowd: So far this season they've ignored their team, and booed their team, and last night they cheered and chanted "M-V-P!" for longtime Philly villain Kobe Bryant. Ah, sweet Philadelphia, providing the Sixers all the comforts of playing on the road. Of course, it might have helped if their team hadn't let the Lakers shoot 58 percent and beat them by double digits. More details from Wild Yams: "Speaking of Philly, and since you mentioned their crowd chanting 'MVP' for Kobe last night, it should be pointed out that at the start of the game they were loudly booing him every time he touched the ball, and it was only at the end of the game when the Lakers had it in hand and Kobe went off for a couple playground type moves that they started cheering for him. Fickle Philly fans."

Update! Elton Brand: I overlooked this, but Wild Yams didn't: "I'm surprised to see Elton Brand didn't make this list, what with going 1-7 for 3 points in 25 minutes last night. Money well spent there, Philadelphia." Yams, are you suggesting that's not $80 million worth of production?

Ed Stefanski: Philly's team president said before the game that he isn't surprised the Sixers are struggling to adjust to the new roles necessitated by Elton Brand's arrival. But then he indicated heads might be on the chopping block if they don't start adjusting, and pronto. "You'll never hear patience come out of my mouth." So yeah, he expected them to have problems, but he won't stand for them having problems. More Leadership 101.

Phil Jackson, Super Obvious Man: "If Kobe shoots the ball that well, we're going to have a good winning percentage because he's going to take most of the shots." In other news, if you don't drink Drain-O, you won't die from drinking Drain-O.

The Indiana Pacers: A night after their inspirational and hope-lifting win over the Lakers, they lost by 18 to the Celtics in Boston. So, you know, it seems unlikely that the road to this year's championship will be running through Indianapolis.

Kevin Garnett, hyperbole machine: Regarding teammate Rajon Rondo, who notched a triple double by scoring 16 points, grabbing 13 rebounds and dishing out a career-high 17 assists: "He was amazing. It was like there was three Rondos. I looked up and it came off the rim and he is grabbing a rebound, then I got back on defense and he beat me back. He was everywhere tonight." Garnett then looked down at his pants only to see Rondo's head pop out from the open zipper, proving that Rajon was, indeed, everywhere.

The Chicago Bulls: Forget the fact that they got only one home game after their circus trip before being forced to hit the road again...no team should let Dan Gadzuric (11 points, 14 rebounds, 3 blocked shots) control the paint. Unless you're the Chicago Wheelchair Bulls or something. And even then I'd expect maybe half as many rebounds.

The Milwaukee Bucks: Sure, they beat the Bulls, but according to Forbes, they're the least valuable NBA franchise at $278 million. Chicago is the third-most valuable at $504 million. Suck it, Milwaukee!

The "Phoenix Suns": The "Suns" played without Steve Nash (flu-like symptoms!) and Shaq (resting his weary flab). As a result, the Suns were outrebounded 46-30 (including a season-high 17 offensive rebounds for the Hornets) and outscored by 104-91. But that'll happen when Robin Lopez is your starting center.

Update! Amare Stoudemire: One more addition from Wild Yams: "How does Amare Stoudemire manage to get only 4 rebounds last night when he's only competing with Robin Lopez for boards? When your supposed MVP candidate at power forward has more fouls (5) and turnovers (6) than rebounds, something isn't right. Actually, I should just criticize the entire Phoenix frontcourt for their lack of rebounding last night. Stoudemire, Boris Diaw and Robin Lopez combined for 8 total rebounds in a combined 86 minutes of PT. Matt Barnes off the bench had 7 by himself in 32 minutes of play."

Goran Dragic: He registered a DNP-CD despite the fact that Nash was absent. Wow. How did the Suns not know he was this bad when they signed him?

The Los Angeles Clippers: Now 3-15 and thanking God that the Klama City Thunder are around to distract the world from how truly awful they are. But at least they were competitive. So, you know, put last night's loss to the Rockets in "Losses That Are Better Than Most" column. Particularly since Houston was +23 in FTAs. (What's that smell, you ask? Home cookin'!)

Baron Davis, sick machine: B-Diddy had to sit down for a spell in the first quarter due to what was apparently food poisoning. Said David: "I must have ate something before the game and it didn't want to come down or out." Gah. I wonder where it finally went...? But maybe it's better I don't know.

The Utah Jazz: It looks like all the injuries are finally catching up with them. Carlos Boozer, Andrei Kirilenko and Matt Harpring were all out, and Kyrylo Fesenko strained his lower back during warmups. No, I'm not making that up. The Jazz shot 39 percent, committed 17 turnovers and fell into a 16-point hole before climbing out to lose by only 4. Said Kyle Korver: "We just don't have a whole lot of rhythm right now." I'm sure Jerry Sloan would happily sacrifice rhythm for a few healthy bodies.

Update! Kobe Bryant: He spent almost half an hour in a handicap bathroom stall at the Staples Center while a man confined to a wheelchair sat outside waiting patiently but fighting not to mess himself. The kicker? Kobe didn't even have to go to the restroom. He just wanted to catch up on his text messaging.

Labels: Brandon Roy, Darko, Emeka Okafor, Mario West, Memphis Grizzlies, Minnesota Timberwolves, New York Knicks, Oklahoma City Thunder, Washington Wizards, Worst of the Night

"Bloargh!"
Thanks to Martin for the pic.

Larry Brown: His Bobcats fell to 2-5 -- and 1-2 on their current six-game home stand -- and you can already see the first signs of the patented Larry Brown Discontent (TM). Said Brown: "I have never been with a team where you're trying to figure out whether we drive the ball, whether we post the ball, whether we run pick and roll. It's a real puzzle right now." Larry did, however, take a break from his puzzling to crack on Sean May, who had been on the inactive list since Charlotte's first game due to unsightly fatness (seriously, take a look at his player profile picture). Regarding May's two-minute, 27-second stint -- in which he went 0-for-1 and had an assist -- Brown said: "It took him four seconds to shoot a jump shot." Aw, cheer up, Larry. At least Adam Morrison's shooting a career-high 39 percent! In all seriousness, I think Brown might set a personal record for growing weary and leaving a team this season. And if he does indeed dump the 'Cats, I would like Larry to know that, based on these and other comments he's made over the years, that he'll always have a job at Basketbawful. Only it will be unpaid and he'll have to fetch me my morning coffee. Café latte. Twist of lemon. Sweet 'n' low.

J.R. Smith: He's supposed to be instant offense -- just add water!! -- but I guess somebody forgot to add the water yesterday. Smith finished with 3 points on 1-for-7 shooting (0-for-3 from downtown) and a couple turnovers in 17 minutes. It's the third time in the last four games that he's scored 5 or fewer points. On the season, he's hitting a career-low 36 percent of his shots. But at least his defense has been...never mind.

Emeka Okafor: I sure do love to watching guys underachieve after signing huge offseason contract extensions! Okafor scored 2 points on 1-for-5 shooting and had three of his shots returned to sender. He's almost averaging a double-double (10.1 PPG and 9.9 RPG), which is good I guess. Just not six-year, $72 million good. Man, if only there was someplace I could go to discuss how much I don't like this guy...hey, it's the Emeka Okafor Sucks Forum! Perfect!

Ben Wallace: He had his fourth scoreless game (out of eight) of the season last night. He shot 0-for-3 and had only 4 rebounds. And get this: He's Cleveland's highest paid player this season at $14,500,000. Yes, you read that correctly. He makes more money than teammate LeBron James. [Insert maniacal laughter here.] Oh, and here's a little retroactive WotN: Two games ago, against the Pacers, Big Ben had zero points and zero rebounds in 19 minutes of lack-tion. It becomes increasingly unbelievable that, only two seasons ago, he was the hottest free agent acquisition in the league. Pretty soon, the sound technicians at Quicken Loans Arena are going to be ringing that gong for things like "sitting down to rest aching knees" and "rubbing Icy Hot on back to reduce spasms."

Wally Szczerbiak and Boobie Gibson: They combined to score zero points on 0-for-11 shooting (and 0-for-8 from beyond the arc). But they did contribute 3 rebounds and 6 fouls in almost 50 minutes of composite PT. You've gotta love one-dimensional shooters who can't shoot the ball. It's like having a garbage man who leaves trash instead of picking it up.

Mike Brown, quote machine: After the game, the Cleveland coach showed off his acute perceptiveness by observing that: "LeBron is LeBron." You know, in case you didn't realize who LeBron was. He's LeBron. Got that?

Mo Williams, quote machine: After a successful game against his old team, Williams said: "I had fun...and 'Bron was 'Bron." Has everybody got that? Lebron James was and still is LeBron James. I hope this finally clears up all the confusion.

The Philadelphia 76ers: After watching his team score 80 points and shoot only 38 percent at home -- falling to a very disappointing 2-5 in the process -- Sixers coach Maurice Cheeks said: "I just think our offense is out of sync." Well, thanks for that penetrating insight, Captain Obvious. Here are the raw numbers, in case you keep track of these things: Philly currently ranks 17th in shooting (43.9) and 22nd in scoring (94.9), which isn't what everybody expected when the team broke their giant piggy bank to sign Elton Brand over the summer. I mean, Brand was supposed to hit a high percentage of his shots and create easy buckets for everybody else wasn't he? Yet they scored more and shot better last season without him. This is a sign that, Boston's success last year notwithstanding, you can't always dump an All-Star onto a decent team and expect immediate success.

Kyle Korver: Speaking of shooters who can't shoot, Korver was 1-for-7 from the field last night. I guess he should spend more time practicing and less time signing autographs. Congrats on the successful coat drive though, Kyle.

The Dallas Mavericks: Sure they were without Josh Howard, and yeah they gave it their all last night, but they squandered a great opportunity to hand the Lakers their first loss of the season. (They also wasted a turn-back-the-clock performance by Jerry Stackhouse, who not only lit it up offensively but put the locks on Kobe over the last couple minutes of the game.) Their biggest bust: Letting L.A. erase a 10-point deficit and take a small lead while Kobe Bryant was on the bench.

And, actually, it's like Wild Yams has been saying in the comments: The Lakers are beating people with their bench. I mean, check out all the +/- scores. All the Laker starters (except Andrew Bynum) were down, while all the bench players (except Luke Walton) were up: Trevor Ariza was +16, Lamar Odom and The Machine were +13, and Jordan Farmar was +9. The L.A. Pine Riders scored 36 points, grabbed 18 rebounds, dished 4 assists, stole the ball 7 times and had 2 blocked shots. But even more important than those numbers were the energy and defensive tenacity they brought (particularly Ariza, who's starting to look like as much of a steal as Pau Gasol).

The Mavericks' bench: Outside of Jerry Stackhouse, the Dallas Bench Raiders pulled a collective no-show. Most disappointing, though, was (and has been) the play of Brandon Bass, who was nearly transparent in 11 minutes. He had an assist. That's it. How does that happen? Even Jose Juan Barea had a rebound in his limited PT (four minutes). I had Bass tagged as a breakout player at best and, at worst, one of those energy/intangible players. I have no idea what happened to him.

Jason Kidd: His triple-double (16 points, 11 rebounds, 10 assists) was mitigated by his 1-for-7 three-point shooting. Uh, Jas, they're leaving you open out there for a reason. I would like to point out, though, that Kidd is having a mini-renaissance this season. He's shooting a career-high 47 percent and looks much more comfortable running the Mavs' offense than he did last season. In fact, they look kind of lost without him when he's out of the game. In fact, Dallas is starting to develop one of those "Steve Nash and the Suns" sort of deals where the offense grinds to a halt when Kidd is out of the game...and there's no serviceable backup in sight.

Dirk Nowitzki: He didn't just miss a late three-pointer that could have tied the game, he launched a shot that hit nothing but air. And he was wide open. So in case you were wondering, the answer is: Dirk still cannot be trusted in clutch situations.

Dirk Nowitzki versus Pau Gasol: It was a real joy watching these to marshmallows go head-to-head. I've never witnessed a more diverse display of arm flails, pissy looks, pained expressions and verbal flops in all my years of watching basketball. The weird thing was, Gasol was getting more love from the refs. At one point, Gasol used a particularly aggressive verbal flop to draw a delayed whistle even though it looked like Dirk had slapped all ball. Meanwhile, Dirk received only four FTAs despite the fact that the Lakers were roughing him up all night.

Andrew Bynum: He got his numbers -- 11 points, 10 rebounds, 3 blocked shots -- but his post game was "meh" and he had some ugly misses. But worse than that was the seeming lack of fire in his belly. He loped up and down the floor. He let Erick Dampier (12 offensive rebounds) push him around. Watching the game, I kept thinking, "Man, if this kid played with Trevor Ariza's passion, there'd be no stopping him." But I'm not sure Bynum has that passion. And he's already been extended, so you probably can't expect any Contract Year Phenomenon-style play out of him. Remember, he was supposed to be The Story of L.A.'s predicted early season success. Instead, it's been their bench.

Derek Fisher: Last night's 1-for-8 shooting performance is part of a larger trend: Fish is shooting 32 percent from the field and has yet to hit 50 percent of his shots in a game this season. It's taking all the veteran leadership he can muster to keep his spot in the rotation. That and the compromising pictures he has of Phil Jackson modeling a Native American headdress...and nothing else.

Luke Walton: Three minutes, 0-for-1, and a suck differential of +1.

Update! Sasha Vujacic: Taken out by a chest bump. Congrats, Sasha. You've supplanted Pau as the biggest wuss on the team. You must be proud. (Thanks to Jodial and the anonymous poster for the link.)


Joakim Noah: He got his first start of the season and responded with a lackluster 2-point, 8-rebound performance. More distressing than his stat line, though, was the lack of energy he brought to the floor...since, you know, he's supposed to be Chicago's energy guy and all that. I don't know if Noah's out of shape or what -- how is that even possible? -- but he did a lot of loping up and down the floor last night. And Al Horford, his old college teammate, ate his lunch (27 points, 17 rebounds).

Tyrus Thomas: In 21 minutes, he scored 3 points on 1-for-8 shooting and had almost as many turnovers (3) as rebounds (5). He also had more blocks against (3) than blocks (1). He's not shooting 28 percent on the season. Meanwhile, here's how the player the Bulls could have had is doing...

Officiating: It wasn't so much the 36-25 advantage in free throw attempts that got my attention -- the Hawks were the more aggressive team, after all -- but there was one play Zaza Pachulia received a pass and took three long steps without a dribble before laying it in. And there was a ref right there to see it. How do you blow that call? It's not like that was LeBron James or anything. It was Zaza Pachulia!

Basketbawful: Okay. I have to admit. Derrick Rose is looking pretty impressive.

Acie Law IV: Nominated by Bret of Peachtree Hoops: "-17 in just over 8 minutes of playing time, 0-1 FGA (that shot was blocked) and a personal foul. It's not his fault that Woodson too often last year played him alongside Tyronn Lue and this year alongside Flip Murray rather than letting him run pick-and-roll with the second unit but he's been impressively ineffective thus far." Hm, 1.5 PPG on 23 percent shooting and 1.5 RPG over six games. I'd say "ineffective" is being pretty generous.

Othello Hunter: He had a one trillion against the Bulls.

Mario West: His 14-second stint earned Mario his first Mario of the season. And there was much rejoicing.

Mike D'Antoni: He still can't figure out a way to stop Tim Duncan or score against the Spurs. Last night, his team scored 80 points and shot only 38 percent. I can only hope that, for D'Antoni's sake, that money does indeed buy happiness. I wouldn't know myself.

Kurt Thomas: He played almost 10 minutes and didn't grab a single rebound. Did he shrink? It's the second time this season he failed to snare a board.

Matt Bonner: He managed a 28-second Mario against the Knicks. Which, to be honest, was 28 more seconds than I thought he'd get.

The Sacramento Kings: They pressed the fourth quarter self-destruct button last night, thus squandering an early 15-point lead and missing out on the chance to reach .500 for the first time since December 4, 2006. As Reggie Theuss screamed and fumed on the sidelines, the Kings committed 5 turnovers in four minutes, which allowed the Pistons to go on a 12-6 run to ice the game. Theuss -- who yelled "NO!" during one doomed possession -- said: "None of [the turnovers] were caused by the other team. [It was] just carelessness on our part. Our guys -- give them credit -- I really felt like they outplayed (Detroit) for 42 minutes." Sadly, NBA games are still 48-minute affairs. Theuss was also upset about the free throw disparity. "Thirty-six free throws to our 17 is ridiculous. Their stars got the calls down the stretch." Mmmm. Sour grapes.

Brad Miller: Prepare to throw up in your mouth a little: Brad scored 7 points on 16 shot attempts and have five of his shots blocked. Uh, he's still seven feet tall, right? Was he shooting the ball while sitting down or something? Said Miller: "That was one of the worst games I've had since high school, college, pros, summer league...[while playing] PlayStation, [Nintendo] Wii, you name it." Well, at least he's self-aware.

Jason Maxiell: Am I missing something? I figured he was due for some extended PT and an expanded role after 'Tony McDyess got shipped to Denver. But he's played 14, 17 and 11 minutes since the trade, scoring zero, 2 and 3 points on 1-for-9 shooting. He's also snatched only 7 rebounds in those three games. Is he hurt? Dying of some rare Mediterranean disease? What happened?

Rasheed Wallace: Last night's 7-point, 7-rebound, 3-for-8 shooting performance is indicative of the 2008-09 'Sheed thus far. He's currently averaging only 11.4 PPG on a career-low 39 percent shooting. In a contract year.

Kevin McHale: It looks like Kevin Love (9.6 PPG, 7.0 RPG, 1.4 APG) is going to be a solid (if unspectacular) pro. But O.J. Mayo (21 PPG, 5.0 RPG, 2.4 APG) is already an awesome pro. So, you know, wrong again, Kevin. But at least you got Antoine Walker off the payroll. So you've got that going for you.

Mark Madsen: Two minutes, 1 foul, suck differential of +1.

Big, flapping vaginas: Al Harrington missed his third straight game with a strained lower back and Corey Maggette sat out his fourth consecutive game wtih a strained left hamstring. Once again: Money well spent, Chris Mullin. Money well spent.

Kobe Bryant: He used the last of the toilet paper and didn't replace the roll.

Labels: Ben Wallace, bloargh, Emeka Okafor, Kobe Bryant, Larry Brown, Mario West, Philadelphia 76ers, Sacramento Kings, Worst of the Night

Thanks to Basketbawful reader jamesjen for the photo.

The Washington Wizards: Their winless weekend included a home loss to the Knicks and an embarrassing blowout in Orlando. They are now 0-5, and Antawn Jamison isn't happy about it. "Anytime you lose like that you definitely don't approve of it. But it's extra disappointing when you are in the position we're in, and for us not to come out with the energy and focus that we needed for this game. We're 0-5 and we need people to play basketball." It's funny you should say that, Mr. "I just signed a $50 million contract extension over the summer." Your team report says: "Jamison seemed disinterested during the late stages of a blowout loss, something that was evident when he did not join a team huddle during a timeout in the third quarter." Nice team leadership, Antawn. Fast facts: The Wizards are last in the league in points allowed (109.5) and opponent assists per game (28.0) and, worst of all, field goal percentage allowed (50.2).

Dee Brown: He was two seconds shy of a three trillion against the Knicks. A team whose defense is only slightly better than the Wizards'. Let's hope his roster spot with the Galatasaray Cafe Crown is still available.

Dominic McGuire: Great googly moogly! Dominic played almost 13 minutes against the Magic on Saturday night but registered only 1 turnover and 1 personal foul. Technically speaking, that means he had a suck differential of +2...but I'm starting to think we need a modifier for minutes played. Like an extra +1 for every two meaningless minutes played?

Brian Cook: He notched a three trillion in the Magic's pummeling of the Wizards, which would have seemed pretty bad until I saw Dominic McGuire's line.

Rashard Lewis: Maybe nobody noticed this because the Magic beat the Wiz by 25, but Rashard shot 2-for-11 from the field and 0-for-5 from downtown. So why does he get his own entry while I mostly ignore Andray Blatch's 1-for-10 brickfest? Because Blatch isn't in the second year of a $110 million contract, that's why. Note that Lewis is currently shooting 40 percent from the field and 28 percent from beyond the arc. Worth every penny! Wait, I mean worth only a penny.

The New Orleans Hornets: They lost on Friday night to the Charlotte Bobcats because they couldn't stop a 14-2 fourth-quarter run led by rookie D.J. Augustin, Adam Morrison and Matt Carroll. I can't possibly quantify all the fail in that last sentence. Not without bursting a vein in my temple, anyway.

Chris Paul's backup: In that loss to the Bobcats, Mike James scored zero points (0-for-1), dished an assist, made a steal and committed a foul in his nine minutes of lack-tion. Meanwhile, CP3's PT edges closer and closer to 40 MPG...

The Toronto Raptors: They let the Hawks shoot 54 percent on a 110-92 loss. Hey, Raptors. "D" isn't just one of the shapes in alphabet soup anymore.

Mario West: He logged four minutes and 27 seconds against the Toronto and finished with a line of zero points (o-for-1), 1 block and 1 personal foul. On the season, he's played just over seven minutes and registered a sum total of 2 blocks and 1 foul. (So the bulk of his "production" came against the Raptors. Congrats, Mario!) Note that, despite the lack of PT, he still has one more block on the season than Zach Randolph. Oh, and on the subject of Mario's blocks...

Joey Graham: He gets special mention for both going by "Joey" and receiving a Code Red from Super Mario West! Thanks to JJ and the anonymous poster for the tip and the video link.


Hassan Adams: A three trillion against the Hawks on Friday. Mario West is unimpressed.

Home cookin': In Friday night's close-call win over the Pacers, the Cavaliers enjoyed a 28-11 advantage at the freethrow line. Which freaked the hell out of Indiana coach Jim O'Brien. "I just shake my head. Incredible, absolutely incredible. I can't believe that. To take it to the basket as hard as we do and cut as hard as we do, and to get only 11 foul shots. I'm just completely dumbfounded." Apparently, the real O'Brien was replaced by a robot duplicate that had no prior experience whatsoever with the NBA. Next thing you know, robo-O'Brien will start expecting the refs to call LeBron for traveling.

Allen Iverson's Rodney Stuckey's defense: Devin Harris dropped a career-high 38 points on Mr. Stuckey. Word has it his eyebrows won't grow back for 3-4 weeks, so he'll have to pencil them in until then. Call me crazy, but I don't think that would have happened to Chauncey Billups. Or...would it? (See below.)

Basketbawful reader Raharri sent in the following email regarding Devin's career day: "Here's an obvious one: How about Mark Cuban for the Devin Harris trade...I mean seriously? 38 points?! I KNEW this was going to blow up in our faces. FACEPALM x 38!" In all fairness to Cuban, Harris doesn't get to play against Allen Iverson every day. Also, check out the numbers: Harris might be scoring 18 a game, but he's shooting 39 percent and hasn't even hit a three yet. J-Kidd, on the other hand, is hitting a career-high 47 percent of his shots and 44 percent of his threes. He's also dishing almost twice as many assists as Harris. So, right now, the trade isn't killing the Mavs as badly as you might think. Now, a couple years from now...

Dan Gadzuric: He committed 3 personal fouls in less than two minutes against the Celtics. And since he was zero-for-everything-else, that gave him a suck differential of +3 in addition to the very wonky last name.

Ray Allen: He was 3-for-11 against the Bucks, including 1-for-6 on threes. On the season, he's hitting only 31 percent of his three-point shots and 43 percent overall. Some people take this to mean Ray's jump shot has gone MIA. But keep in mind that he's taking only 12.2 shots per game, which is barely above his career low of 11.1...from his rookie season. Look, Allen is one of those guys who has to shoot himself into rhythm. That's not gonna happen when he takes 10 shots. You can pretty much expect him to hit a low percentage unless he takes 15-20 shots, which isn't going to happen very often in the Celtics' offense.

The San Antonio Spurs: They got blown out at home by the Miami Heat to fall to 1-4. And three of those losses came in San Antonio. To make matters worse, Tony Parker -- fresh off a career-high 55 points -- sprained his left ankle and is expected to miss four weeks. It'll be interesting to see what happens to the Spurs over that span, won't it? I mean, Duncan has gotten a lot of praise for being the best power forward of all time and one of the best players in the NBA -- and rightly so -- but he's never had to go through any significant stretch where he didn't have a pretty solid supporting cast. Now he's all by himself. Let's see how he handles it.

Matt Bonner: His 13 seconds against the Heat earned him a Mario.

Shawn Marion's offense: I received the following email from Basketbawful reader Rich: "One thing I noticed [from the Heat-Spurs game] was Shawn Marion was barely utilized on offense. Do you think they'll trade him this season? I was thinking they could strike a deal with the Knicks for Eddy Curry so they have a legitimate center and Haslem can slide back to the 4. Shawn Marion would also be reunited with Mike D'Antoni and is a perfect fit for the run 'n gun style. What do you think of this trade? I think Marion and Curry have similar salaries so it should work, right?" Well, that trade would be great for the Knicks, but I think Pat Riley would be insane to take on Eddy Curry's fat salary and even fatter butt. The main reason Curry's still in New York is because there are 29 teams that want him even less than the Knicks. But Marion, because he can't create his own shot, is almost useless on offense. That's why he's matching he's scoring 10 PPG (his worst output since his rookie season) on a career-low 41 percent shooting. But hey, this is what he wanted. How's that working out for you, Shawn?

Ron Artest, assist machine: The following image was sent in by Basketbawful reader Maggie. Check out that stat line...I never new Ron-Ron was so unselfish. (Note that the box score incorrectly credits him with only 4 assists against the Clips.)


Clippers broadcasters: Maggie also had this to say: "And I just had to make some comments about the Clippers broadcasters. At the start of first quarter, one guy kept saying that Yao is 'not a shot blocker.' Then Yao went on to block 4 shots in the first half. And sometime in the thrid quarter, this conversation took place:

Commentator A: "That's what I mean when I made a reference about Yao not being a shot blocker. He should've easily erased that shot by Mobley."

Commentator B: "He blocked 4 shots in the first half by himself. Please pay attention."

Commentator A: "He's not the type of shot blocker that goes and get shot blocks. He just gets the ones that come to him."

Note that these men are actually getting paid to be idiots while I keep doing it for free. Meh.

The Phoenix Suns: Terry Porter decided to rest Shaq on the first night of the Suns' back-to-back games against the Bulls and Bucks, and the team got blown out in Chicago because of it. And frankly, it didn't look like they were going full tilt. It was basically a concession game. Phoenix shot 40 percent. Steve Nash played 25 minutes. Amare Stoudemire committed a game-high 4 turnovers. The Brazillian Blur shot 1-for-8. Defense was not played. I wonder how many games the Suns are going to give up in this fashion over the course of the season?

The Minnesota Timberwolves: They went winless for the weekend -- getting blown out in Sacramento and edged in Portland -- as the second year of Kevin McHale's 10-year rebuilding plan continues. And Mark "Yes I'm still in the league damn it!" Madsen played 10 minutes against the Blazers. If that's not scraping the bottom of the barrel, I don't know what is.

Tracy McGrady: Check out T-Mac's line against the Clippers: 2 points on 0-for-5 shooting, 6 rebounds, 2 assists and a turnover. It was like he was auditioning for the Clippers instead of playing against them. The Rockets still won, though, because, well, they're still the Clippers.

Tim Thomas: He matched McGrady suck-for-suck by coffee breaking his way to a four trillion, cementing his status as one of the most-talented stiffs to ever don an NBA uniform. A bargain at $6,049,400 this season and $6,466,600 in 2009-10.

Chauncey Billups: Okay, maybe his defense isn't really all that after all. In his first game as a Nugget, Mr. Big Shot almost got triple doubled by Jason Kidd (22 points, 10 rebounds, 9 assists). Kidd shot 8-for-14 and 6-for-12 from Threeland. That's right: Mr. Unselfish shot 12 threes. Anyway, I guess Enver is just a defense-nomming black hole.

The Dallas "bench": Yeach. Antoine Wright (9 minutes, 0-for-1, 1 foul) finished with a +2 suck differential, Jose Juan Barea (47 seconds, 1 fouls) had a Mario with a +1 suck differential and James Singleton (five seconds, zero-for-everything) earned a Super Mario. Somebody throw some confetti as we celebrate this special achievement in sucktastickness!

George Karl, quote machine: "I'm sure he'll have many special nights for us. I think it's fun to have an ally in Chauncey." Aww. Hugs all around!

The Golden State Warriors: Their winless weekend was lowlighted by a home loss to the Memphis Grizzlies and a road blowout at the hands of the Sacramento Kings. RIP, Golden State Rivival. It was fun while it lasted. Statisical note: You know what was really strange about these two losses: The Warriors shot 25 three-pointers in two games (2-for-12 against the Griz and 5-for-13 against the Kings). That's how many threes they used to lauch per game. Weird. Was Don Nelson asleep on the bench or something?

Mark Blount: Everbody's favorite seven-foot stiff scored zero points (0-for-6) and grabbed a grand total of 3 rebounds in two games over the weekend. At this point, the Heat really might as well try to lure Greg Ostertag out of retirement. 'Tag might be awful, but he could have grabbed three rebounds by mistake. (And "by mistake" accurately describes most of what Greg did, but I digress.) Also: Blount has 10 rebounds and 1 blocked shot on the season. Salary update: Mark's making $7,350,000. How does this make you feel about your life's accomplishments? Discuss.

LeBron James' jump shot: Before he hit 4-for-7 from downtown against the Bulls on Saturday, James was 1-for-19 from beyond the arc. After his hot game, he's 5-for-26 (19 percent). And according to 82games.com, LeBron's effective field goal percentage on jump shots is 17.9 percent. Have the terrorists taken his jumper hostage? How much do they want for it? I'm sure Nike would be more than willing to cover the ransom.

Tyrus Thomas: He "broke out" against the Shaq-less Suns (14 points, 6-for-12, 7 rebounds) only to return to his lackluster form against the Cavaliers one night later (7 points, 3-for-10). He's now shooting 30 percent from the field...exactly what you want from an uber-athletic big man. Somewhere, Buck Williams is shaking his head in disgust.

The Chicago Bulls interior defense: I know LeBron is good and all, but the Bulls all but held his hand and escorted him safely to the basket in two games against the Cavs this week. Yes, yes, I know he hit those threes. But trust me: You can live with James shooting from the outside. Clog the paint and make him catapault his shots from distance. It's better than giving up 10-15 layups/dunks and all those free throws.

Kevin Love: The dude's been playing pretty well, but he went 0-for-7 against the Blazers. Rookie cookies!

Ike Diogu: He played four minutes against the T-Wolves, registering 1 turnover and 2 fouls, giving him a suck differential of +3.

The Dallas Mavericks: The exclamation mark on their amazing 0-for-the-weekend effort was giving the Clippers their first win of the season (despite, as Barry pointed out in the comments section, L.A.'s 18 TOs). The Mavs are now 2-4. Their bench is awful. This has to be killing Mark Cuban, which gives me kind of a happy.

Dirk Nowitzki: The mad German made a four-year-old boy cry when he crashed into the tyke while trying to save a ball from going out of bounds. But no worries. Jason Terry -- who missed his first 11 shots and finished 3-for-15 -- ran across the court from the Mavericks' bench to give the brat his sweaty headband. I'm sure you'll be able to find it on eBay as early as right now. Anyway, here's the first shot of Dirk's ass-attack on the front-row youngster.


Now take a look at his face. He's being absolutely traumatized by Dirk's butt. NBA action: It's FANNY-tastic!


What the Clippers have done to their poor fans: After the Clips' first win, I recieved the following email from loyal reader Buck Nasty: "First win for the Clips baby. Time to start a 75-game winning streak. Clips fans have to live in their own world. And things are always good in my Clippers' world." I'm not sure if that level of self-deception is inspiring or scary. I'll go with "inspiring."

The Raptors' "bench": These guys are doing all they can to challenge the Dallas reserves for "most pathetic bench in the league" dishonors. Joey Graham had a five trillion, which is the second-highest true trillion we've had this season. Kris Humphries committed 1 fouls in one minute and 28 seconds of PT, earning him a suck differential of +1. Roko Ukic -- who sounds like a lame Aquaman villain -- had a one trillion. And Hassan Adams followed up Friday's three trillion with a 34-second Mario.

Alexis Ajinca: He did nothing but commit a single foul in almost five minutes of lack-tion against the Raptors. Suck differential: +1.

The Utah Jazz: They failed in their bid to open the season with six straight wins by losing to the Knicks. Utah outshot New York by almost 10 percent (51.3 to 41.9), but they committed 23 turnovers that led to 30 points for the Knicks...which is a pretty big deal in an 8-point loss. It's worth noting that the presence of Deron Williams probably would have helped the Jazz avoid this loss, but Jerry Sloan doesn't want to hear it. "Can't worry about that. Nobody wants to hear about that. I don't want to hear it, either. Deron Williams is a wonderful player. We'd love to have him back two weeks ago, but he's not here. That doesn't mean you just go out trying to throw the ball away." Sloan emphasized the point by banging his cane on the ground and muttering things like "whippersnappers" and "jackanapes."

The Detroit Pistons: They forced Kevin Garnett and Paul Pierce to 7-for-25 shooting and 7 turnovers between them, which should have been good enough for a win at home. But it wasn't. The Pistons shot 34 percent as a team, led by Rip Hamilton's 0-for-8 and Rasheed Wallace's 4-for-17. Detroit committed 16 turnovers and had only 4 assists. They also missed 9 free throws and got outscored 30-10 in the second quarter.

Allen Iverson, word smythe: The Answer said he got "chillbumps" when he received a loud standing ovation from his new home crowd. Of course, those might have been caused by his team's cold shooting, too...

Bill Walker: "I'm Diego, a Basketbawful reader (and fan) from Mexico. I'm a big Celtics fan and I couldn't help but notice that Bill 'Skywalker' had a one trillion for the game. Way to go, rookie!." Thanks, Diego. I guess that's what Bill gets for being a [euphemism for penis].

Damien Wilkins: You know what those nine seconds against the Hawks means: A Super Mario! Unfortunately, Mario West could only watch Wilkins' "performanace" longingly from the Atlanta bench.

Kevin Durant: He barely had more field goals (9-for-21) than turnovers (6). He had three of his shots blocked and grabbed only four rebounds. All of which means this year's Kevin Durant is pretty much the same animal as last year's Kevin Durant.

Darko Milicic: In almost nine minutes against the Nuggets, Darko committed 5 fouls to go along with his zero points and 2 rebounds. He did, however, manage to match Zach Randolph's season total by blocking a shot.

Marco Jaric: Thanks to Daniel of LABallTalk for pointing out Marco's four trillion. Yet another one of Kevin McHale's brain children rocking the world of suck.

Javaris Crittenton and Cheick Samb: Crittenton's line: 1:17 of PT, 0-for-1, suck differential +1. Samb's line: 1:17 of PT, 0-for-2, one of his shots blocked, suck differential of +3. So anything Javaris can suck, Cheick can suck better.

The Houston Rockets: When they barely beat the Clippers on Friday, Ron Artest bemoaned that the team was still playing "horrible." As if to back that up, the Rockets totally stunk it up against the Lakers on Sunday. They shot 37 percent as a team. T-Mac was a teary-eyed 1-for-11. Ron Artest was 2-for-11. Rafer Alston and Luis Scola were both 3-for-9. Yao Ming was 6-for-11, but he committed 5 turnovers and didn't make a single trip to the line. Brent Barry played 11 minutes without attempting a shot (he finished with 1 point, 1 assist and 2 turnovers). Joey Dorsey made his first appearance of the season and responded with a two trillion. I guess it's safe to say you can hold off on ordering those 2008-09 Houston Rockets NBA Championship t-shirts.

Update! Tracy McGrady: The Third Heat made a few points I can't deny: "By the way, seeing as how it's 'Worst of the Weekend,' you really should've grouped McGrady's two games together seeing as he pretty much embodied the phrase. He spent the entire weekend in LA going up against the Clips and Lakers, he ended up with twice as many turnovers as field goals. And he only had two turnovers. He shot a combined 6.3% for the weekend and admitted himself that they were probably the worst two games of his career." Done.

Update! Yao Ming: From Wild Yams: "I'm surprised that since someone took a screenshot from that Clippers-Rockets game nobody mentioned the dunk that Yao airballed early in that game, and how the announcers subsequently talked for the next few minutes about how it was one of the worst plays they'd ever seen. For a long time afterwards whenever there was a bad play in the game they would keep saying "yeah, but that wasn't as bad as Yao's airball dunk."

I did a little box score review, and I discovered that Yao had four of his shots rejected this weekend (once by the Lakers and thrice by the Clippers). That brings Yao's season total of "blocks against" to 14 in seven games. That's right: The gigantic Yao is having his shot stuffed an average of two times a game. In addition, some research at 82games.com uncovered the following "stunning" revelations: Yao's effective field goal percentage on dunks is only 50 percent. Just as damning, if not more so, are the following stats: 22 percent of his "close" shots are getting blocked, 19 percent of his inside shots are getting stuffed, and 17 percent of his flush attempts are being returned to sender. Also, you can officially add Kobe to the list of things Yao can't dunk over or against:


Luke Walton: Things aren't getting any better for the Son of Walton. Sunday's contribution to the team was a two trillion. Which, admittedly, was a slight improvement on Wednesday's two-minute, 0-for-1 showing against the Clippers. Man, Luke's seeing so little action his Yahoo player page doesn't even have any pictures of him. Even Mario West has three pictures up on his page. (Although one is of him high-fiving Al Horford from the bench and the other two are guys scoring over him. So maybe "no pictures" is better.) As Basketbawful reader William H. said: "Can you believe that Luke is getting paid almost $6,000,000 per year to warm the bench?" [Looks around the league] Yes. Yes, I can believe it. Sadly.

Joey Dorsey: He saw Luke's two trillion and matched him poop for poop. Now all he needs is a dog-ugly stalker and you wouldn't be able to tell them apart.

Jordan Farmar, quote machine: From Basketbawful reader Caleb: "Basketballers (or maybe sportsmen in general) must be the worst at spewing out cliche after cliche (with a little nonsense mixed in) and saying nothing at all in the process. Said Jordan Farmar after the Lakers' comeback win over the Rockets: "It's just a matter of us playing basketball and sitting down on the defensive end and locking it in and getting it done." (from ESPN's wrap) Please find me a clip of the Lakers sitting down on the defensive end, because for the life of me I can't picture it. I've just started training with a new club in Brisbane, and I'll be suggesting drills that cover sitting down, locking it in and getting it down. Oh, and playing basketball also." I couldn't find any video evidence, but rumor has it the Nuggets are very interested in this "sit down" defensive method.

NBA scheduling: The Lakers have now played three games since November 1st. It must be nice to get four days of rest between games.

Kobe Bryant: He took the last piece of pizza.

Labels: Dallas Mavericks, fan submissions, Houston Rockets, Mario West, New Orleans Hornets, Phoenix Suns, San Antonio Spurs, Toronto Raptors, Washington Wizards, Worst of the Weekend

Mario (mar'-e-o') noun. Denotes those occasions in which a player logs less than one minute of playing time and therefore fails to compile any meaningful statistics.

Usage example: Not surprisingly, Mario West was the 2007-08 league leader in Marios.

Word history: The word was coined yesterday -- May 5, 2008 -- by an anonymous reader who couldn't help but notice my season-long quest to point out Mario West's many sub-minute performances. "I think a trillion that doesn't even make it to the one minute mark should be officially nicknamed a 'Mario.' Trillions may be embarrassing, but a Mario makes you wish you became a car salesman."

The suggestion was absolutely brilliant, and sure beat the unofficial "sub-minute men" designation I had been using.

Additional information: Poor Mario. The guy appeared in 64 regular season games and averaged around four minutes per. He saw so little PT that there are only two pictures of him on his Yahoo profile page...and both of those photos show him on the bench sporting crisp, clean warmups.

Of those 64 games, he played less than one minute in 20 of them. Of those 20 games, he played 10 seconds or less in 11 of them, including games of 1 second, 2 seconds, 3 seconds (three times), 5 seconds, 6 seconds, 8 seconds (twice), 9 seconds, and 10 seconds.

Mario Also appear in six of the Hawks' seven playoff games. He somehow managed to average exactly one minute per game, with games of 03:20, 00:31, 00:09, 00:20, 00:03, and 01:36. You'll notice that most of his PT came in Games 1 and 7, the two biggest blowouts of the series.

All I can say is, that's some damned cruelty on the part of Atlanta coach Mike Woodson. Forget free Darko...free Mario!

Update! Basketbawful reader Phenomenal Cosmic Power provided more fan brilliance with the following braingasm: "Might I suggest that a <10-second game be called a SUPER MARIO!? And then, what if 2 or more players each logged a Super Mario? SUPER MARIO BROTHERS?!" All I can say is: Done and done.

More additional information: Mr. Cosmic Power has taken a real interest Mr. West. An unhealthy interest, perhaps? That's not for us to judge. "I felt a litte bad for our boy Mario, so I dug up some more stats that I hope will cheer him up!"

Hawks winning % when Mario logs:
DNP - 33%
Super Mario - 45%
Mario - 50%
No Mario - 48%
More than 10 minutes (a Wario?) - 67%

"Wow. Talk about a direct correlation between Mario's playing time and the Hawks winning! I kid you not. FREE MARIO!"

Labels: fan submissions, Mario West, Word of the Day