Thanks to Basketbawful reader jamesjen for the photo.
The Washington Wizards: Their winless weekend included a home loss to the Knicks and an embarrassing blowout in Orlando. They are now 0-5, and Antawn Jamison isn't happy about it. "Anytime you lose like that you definitely don't approve of it. But it's extra disappointing when you are in the position we're in, and for us not to come out with the energy and focus that we needed for this game. We're 0-5 and we need people to play basketball." It's funny you should say that, Mr. "I just signed a $50 million contract extension over the summer." Your team report says: "Jamison seemed disinterested during the late stages of a blowout loss, something that was evident when he did not join a team huddle during a timeout in the third quarter." Nice team leadership, Antawn. Fast facts: The Wizards are last in the league in points allowed (109.5) and opponent assists per game (28.0) and, worst of all, field goal percentage allowed (50.2).
Dee Brown: He was two seconds shy of a three trillion against the Knicks. A team whose defense is only slightly better than the Wizards'. Let's hope his roster spot with the Galatasaray Cafe Crown is still available.
Dominic McGuire: Great googly moogly! Dominic played almost 13 minutes against the Magic on Saturday night but registered only 1 turnover and 1 personal foul. Technically speaking, that means he had a suck differential of +2...but I'm starting to think we need a modifier for minutes played. Like an extra +1 for every two meaningless minutes played?
Brian Cook: He notched a three trillion in the Magic's pummeling of the Wizards, which would have seemed pretty bad until I saw Dominic McGuire's line.
Rashard Lewis: Maybe nobody noticed this because the Magic beat the Wiz by 25, but Rashard shot 2-for-11 from the field and 0-for-5 from downtown. So why does he get his own entry while I mostly ignore Andray Blatch's 1-for-10 brickfest? Because Blatch isn't in the second year of a $110 million contract, that's why. Note that Lewis is currently shooting 40 percent from the field and 28 percent from beyond the arc. Worth every penny! Wait, I mean worth only a penny.
The New Orleans Hornets: They lost on Friday night to the Charlotte Bobcats because they couldn't stop a 14-2 fourth-quarter run led by rookie D.J. Augustin, Adam Morrison and Matt Carroll. I can't possibly quantify all the fail in that last sentence. Not without bursting a vein in my temple, anyway.
Chris Paul's backup: In that loss to the Bobcats, Mike James scored zero points (0-for-1), dished an assist, made a steal and committed a foul in his nine minutes of lack-tion. Meanwhile, CP3's PT edges closer and closer to 40 MPG...
The Toronto Raptors: They let the Hawks shoot 54 percent on a 110-92 loss. Hey, Raptors. "D" isn't just one of the shapes in alphabet soup anymore.
Mario West: He logged four minutes and 27 seconds against the Toronto and finished with a line of zero points (o-for-1), 1 block and 1 personal foul. On the season, he's played just over seven minutes and registered a sum total of 2 blocks and 1 foul. (So the bulk of his "production" came against the Raptors. Congrats, Mario!) Note that, despite the lack of PT, he still has one more block on the season than Zach Randolph. Oh, and on the subject of Mario's blocks...
Joey Graham: He gets special mention for both going by "Joey" and receiving a Code Red from Super Mario West! Thanks to JJ and the anonymous poster for the tip and the video link.
Hassan Adams: A three trillion against the Hawks on Friday. Mario West is unimpressed.
Home cookin': In Friday night's close-call win over the Pacers, the Cavaliers enjoyed a 28-11 advantage at the freethrow line. Which freaked the hell out of Indiana coach Jim O'Brien. "I just shake my head. Incredible, absolutely incredible. I can't believe that. To take it to the basket as hard as we do and cut as hard as we do, and to get only 11 foul shots. I'm just completely dumbfounded." Apparently, the real O'Brien was replaced by a robot duplicate that had no prior experience whatsoever with the NBA. Next thing you know, robo-O'Brien will start expecting the refs to call LeBron for traveling.
Allen Iverson's Rodney Stuckey's defense: Devin Harris dropped a career-high 38 points on Mr. Stuckey. Word has it his eyebrows won't grow back for 3-4 weeks, so he'll have to pencil them in until then. Call me crazy, but I don't think that would have happened to Chauncey Billups. Or...would it? (See below.)
Basketbawful reader Raharri sent in the following email regarding Devin's career day: "Here's an obvious one: How about Mark Cuban for the Devin Harris trade...I mean seriously? 38 points?! I KNEW this was going to blow up in our faces. FACEPALM x 38!" In all fairness to Cuban, Harris doesn't get to play against Allen Iverson every day. Also, check out the numbers: Harris might be scoring 18 a game, but he's shooting 39 percent and hasn't even hit a three yet. J-Kidd, on the other hand, is hitting a career-high 47 percent of his shots and 44 percent of his threes. He's also dishing almost twice as many assists as Harris. So, right now, the trade isn't killing the Mavs as badly as you might think. Now, a couple years from now...
Dan Gadzuric: He committed 3 personal fouls in less than two minutes against the Celtics. And since he was zero-for-everything-else, that gave him a suck differential of +3 in addition to the very wonky last name.
Ray Allen: He was 3-for-11 against the Bucks, including 1-for-6 on threes. On the season, he's hitting only 31 percent of his three-point shots and 43 percent overall. Some people take this to mean Ray's jump shot has gone MIA. But keep in mind that he's taking only 12.2 shots per game, which is barely above his career low of 11.1...from his rookie season. Look, Allen is one of those guys who has to shoot himself into rhythm. That's not gonna happen when he takes 10 shots. You can pretty much expect him to hit a low percentage unless he takes 15-20 shots, which isn't going to happen very often in the Celtics' offense.
The San Antonio Spurs: They got blown out at home by the Miami Heat to fall to 1-4. And three of those losses came in San Antonio. To make matters worse, Tony Parker -- fresh off a career-high 55 points -- sprained his left ankle and is expected to miss four weeks. It'll be interesting to see what happens to the Spurs over that span, won't it? I mean, Duncan has gotten a lot of praise for being the best power forward of all time and one of the best players in the NBA -- and rightly so -- but he's never had to go through any significant stretch where he didn't have a pretty solid supporting cast. Now he's all by himself. Let's see how he handles it.
Matt Bonner: His 13 seconds against the Heat earned him a Mario.
Shawn Marion's offense: I received the following email from Basketbawful reader Rich: "One thing I noticed [from the Heat-Spurs game] was Shawn Marion was barely utilized on offense. Do you think they'll trade him this season? I was thinking they could strike a deal with the Knicks for Eddy Curry so they have a legitimate center and Haslem can slide back to the 4. Shawn Marion would also be reunited with Mike D'Antoni and is a perfect fit for the run 'n gun style. What do you think of this trade? I think Marion and Curry have similar salaries so it should work, right?" Well, that trade would be great for the Knicks, but I think Pat Riley would be insane to take on Eddy Curry's fat salary and even fatter butt. The main reason Curry's still in New York is because there are 29 teams that want him even less than the Knicks. But Marion, because he can't create his own shot, is almost useless on offense. That's why he's matching he's scoring 10 PPG (his worst output since his rookie season) on a career-low 41 percent shooting. But hey, this is what he wanted. How's that working out for you, Shawn?
Ron Artest, assist machine: The following image was sent in by Basketbawful reader Maggie. Check out that stat line...I never new Ron-Ron was so unselfish. (Note that the box score incorrectly credits him with only 4 assists against the Clips.)
Clippers broadcasters: Maggie also had this to say: "And I just had to make some comments about the Clippers broadcasters. At the start of first quarter, one guy kept saying that Yao is 'not a shot blocker.' Then Yao went on to block 4 shots in the first half. And sometime in the thrid quarter, this conversation took place:
Commentator A: "That's what I mean when I made a reference about Yao not being a shot blocker. He should've easily erased that shot by Mobley."
Commentator B: "He blocked 4 shots in the first half by himself. Please pay attention."
Commentator A: "He's not the type of shot blocker that goes and get shot blocks. He just gets the ones that come to him."
Note that these men are actually getting paid to be idiots while I keep doing it for free. Meh.
The Phoenix Suns: Terry Porter decided to rest Shaq on the first night of the Suns' back-to-back games against the Bulls and Bucks, and the team got blown out in Chicago because of it. And frankly, it didn't look like they were going full tilt. It was basically a concession game. Phoenix shot 40 percent. Steve Nash played 25 minutes. Amare Stoudemire committed a game-high 4 turnovers. The Brazillian Blur shot 1-for-8. Defense was not played. I wonder how many games the Suns are going to give up in this fashion over the course of the season?
The Minnesota Timberwolves: They went winless for the weekend -- getting blown out in Sacramento and edged in Portland -- as the second year of Kevin McHale's 10-year rebuilding plan continues. And Mark "Yes I'm still in the league damn it!" Madsen played 10 minutes against the Blazers. If that's not scraping the bottom of the barrel, I don't know what is.
Tracy McGrady: Check out T-Mac's line against the Clippers: 2 points on 0-for-5 shooting, 6 rebounds, 2 assists and a turnover. It was like he was auditioning for the Clippers instead of playing against them. The Rockets still won, though, because, well, they're still the Clippers.
Tim Thomas: He matched McGrady suck-for-suck by coffee breaking his way to a four trillion, cementing his status as one of the most-talented stiffs to ever don an NBA uniform. A bargain at $6,049,400 this season and $6,466,600 in 2009-10.
Chauncey Billups: Okay, maybe his defense isn't really all that after all. In his first game as a Nugget, Mr. Big Shot almost got triple doubled by Jason Kidd (22 points, 10 rebounds, 9 assists). Kidd shot 8-for-14 and 6-for-12 from Threeland. That's right: Mr. Unselfish shot 12 threes. Anyway, I guess Enver is just a defense-nomming black hole.
The Dallas "bench": Yeach. Antoine Wright (9 minutes, 0-for-1, 1 foul) finished with a +2 suck differential, Jose Juan Barea (47 seconds, 1 fouls) had a Mario with a +1 suck differential and James Singleton (five seconds, zero-for-everything) earned a Super Mario. Somebody throw some confetti as we celebrate this special achievement in sucktastickness!
George Karl, quote machine: "I'm sure he'll have many special nights for us. I think it's fun to have an ally in Chauncey." Aww. Hugs all around!
The Golden State Warriors: Their winless weekend was lowlighted by a home loss to the Memphis Grizzlies and a road blowout at the hands of the Sacramento Kings. RIP, Golden State Rivival. It was fun while it lasted. Statisical note: You know what was really strange about these two losses: The Warriors shot 25 three-pointers in two games (2-for-12 against the Griz and 5-for-13 against the Kings). That's how many threes they used to lauch per game. Weird. Was Don Nelson asleep on the bench or something?
Mark Blount: Everbody's favorite seven-foot stiff scored zero points (0-for-6) and grabbed a grand total of 3 rebounds in two games over the weekend. At this point, the Heat really might as well try to lure Greg Ostertag out of retirement. 'Tag might be awful, but he could have grabbed three rebounds by mistake. (And "by mistake" accurately describes most of what Greg did, but I digress.) Also: Blount has 10 rebounds and 1 blocked shot on the season. Salary update: Mark's making $7,350,000. How does this make you feel about your life's accomplishments? Discuss.
LeBron James' jump shot: Before he hit 4-for-7 from downtown against the Bulls on Saturday, James was 1-for-19 from beyond the arc. After his hot game, he's 5-for-26 (19 percent). And according to 82games.com, LeBron's effective field goal percentage on jump shots is 17.9 percent. Have the terrorists taken his jumper hostage? How much do they want for it? I'm sure Nike would be more than willing to cover the ransom.
Tyrus Thomas: He "broke out" against the Shaq-less Suns (14 points, 6-for-12, 7 rebounds) only to return to his lackluster form against the Cavaliers one night later (7 points, 3-for-10). He's now shooting 30 percent from the field...exactly what you want from an uber-athletic big man. Somewhere, Buck Williams is shaking his head in disgust.
The Chicago Bulls interior defense: I know LeBron is good and all, but the Bulls all but held his hand and escorted him safely to the basket in two games against the Cavs this week. Yes, yes, I know he hit those threes. But trust me: You can live with James shooting from the outside. Clog the paint and make him catapault his shots from distance. It's better than giving up 10-15 layups/dunks and all those free throws.
Kevin Love: The dude's been playing pretty well, but he went 0-for-7 against the Blazers. Rookie cookies!
Ike Diogu: He played four minutes against the T-Wolves, registering 1 turnover and 2 fouls, giving him a suck differential of +3.
The Dallas Mavericks: The exclamation mark on their amazing 0-for-the-weekend effort was giving the Clippers their first win of the season (despite, as Barry pointed out in the comments section, L.A.'s 18 TOs). The Mavs are now 2-4. Their bench is awful. This has to be killing Mark Cuban, which gives me kind of a happy.
Dirk Nowitzki: The mad German made a four-year-old boy cry when he crashed into the tyke while trying to save a ball from going out of bounds. But no worries. Jason Terry -- who missed his first 11 shots and finished 3-for-15 -- ran across the court from the Mavericks' bench to give the brat his sweaty headband. I'm sure you'll be able to find it on eBay as early as right now. Anyway, here's the first shot of Dirk's ass-attack on the front-row youngster.
Now take a look at his face. He's being absolutely traumatized by Dirk's butt. NBA action: It's FANNY-tastic!
What the Clippers have done to their poor fans: After the Clips' first win, I recieved the following email from loyal reader Buck Nasty: "First win for the Clips baby. Time to start a 75-game winning streak. Clips fans have to live in their own world. And things are always good in my Clippers' world." I'm not sure if that level of self-deception is inspiring or scary. I'll go with "inspiring."
The Raptors' "bench": These guys are doing all they can to challenge the Dallas reserves for "most pathetic bench in the league" dishonors. Joey Graham had a five trillion, which is the second-highest true trillion we've had this season. Kris Humphries committed 1 fouls in one minute and 28 seconds of PT, earning him a suck differential of +1. Roko Ukic -- who sounds like a lame Aquaman villain -- had a one trillion. And Hassan Adams followed up Friday's three trillion with a 34-second Mario.
Alexis Ajinca: He did nothing but commit a single foul in almost five minutes of lack-tion against the Raptors. Suck differential: +1.
The Utah Jazz: They failed in their bid to open the season with six straight wins by losing to the Knicks. Utah outshot New York by almost 10 percent (51.3 to 41.9), but they committed 23 turnovers that led to 30 points for the Knicks...which is a pretty big deal in an 8-point loss. It's worth noting that the presence of Deron Williams probably would have helped the Jazz avoid this loss, but Jerry Sloan doesn't want to hear it. "Can't worry about that. Nobody wants to hear about that. I don't want to hear it, either. Deron Williams is a wonderful player. We'd love to have him back two weeks ago, but he's not here. That doesn't mean you just go out trying to throw the ball away." Sloan emphasized the point by banging his cane on the ground and muttering things like "whippersnappers" and "jackanapes."
The Detroit Pistons: They forced Kevin Garnett and Paul Pierce to 7-for-25 shooting and 7 turnovers between them, which should have been good enough for a win at home. But it wasn't. The Pistons shot 34 percent as a team, led by Rip Hamilton's 0-for-8 and Rasheed Wallace's 4-for-17. Detroit committed 16 turnovers and had only 4 assists. They also missed 9 free throws and got outscored 30-10 in the second quarter.
Allen Iverson, word smythe: The Answer said he got "chillbumps" when he received a loud standing ovation from his new home crowd. Of course, those might have been caused by his team's cold shooting, too...
Bill Walker: "I'm Diego, a Basketbawful reader (and fan) from Mexico. I'm a big Celtics fan and I couldn't help but notice that Bill 'Skywalker' had a one trillion for the game. Way to go, rookie!." Thanks, Diego. I guess that's what Bill gets for being a [euphemism for penis].
Damien Wilkins: You know what those nine seconds against the Hawks means: A Super Mario! Unfortunately, Mario West could only watch Wilkins' "performanace" longingly from the Atlanta bench.
Kevin Durant: He barely had more field goals (9-for-21) than turnovers (6). He had three of his shots blocked and grabbed only four rebounds. All of which means this year's Kevin Durant is pretty much the same animal as last year's Kevin Durant.
Darko Milicic: In almost nine minutes against the Nuggets, Darko committed 5 fouls to go along with his zero points and 2 rebounds. He did, however, manage to match Zach Randolph's season total by blocking a shot.
Marco Jaric: Thanks to Daniel of LABallTalk for pointing out Marco's four trillion. Yet another one of Kevin McHale's brain children rocking the world of suck.
Javaris Crittenton and Cheick Samb: Crittenton's line: 1:17 of PT, 0-for-1, suck differential +1. Samb's line: 1:17 of PT, 0-for-2, one of his shots blocked, suck differential of +3. So anything Javaris can suck, Cheick can suck better.
The Houston Rockets: When they barely beat the Clippers on Friday, Ron Artest bemoaned that the team was still playing "horrible." As if to back that up, the Rockets totally stunk it up against the Lakers on Sunday. They shot 37 percent as a team. T-Mac was a teary-eyed 1-for-11. Ron Artest was 2-for-11. Rafer Alston and Luis Scola were both 3-for-9. Yao Ming was 6-for-11, but he committed 5 turnovers and didn't make a single trip to the line. Brent Barry played 11 minutes without attempting a shot (he finished with 1 point, 1 assist and 2 turnovers). Joey Dorsey made his first appearance of the season and responded with a two trillion. I guess it's safe to say you can hold off on ordering those 2008-09 Houston Rockets NBA Championship t-shirts.
Update! Tracy McGrady:The Third Heat made a few points I can't deny: "By the way, seeing as how it's 'Worst of the Weekend,' you really should've grouped McGrady's two games together seeing as he pretty much embodied the phrase. He spent the entire weekend in LA going up against the Clips and Lakers, he ended up with twice as many turnovers as field goals. And he only had two turnovers. He shot a combined 6.3% for the weekend and admitted himself that they were probably the worst two games of his career." Done.
Update! Yao Ming: From Wild Yams: "I'm surprised that since someone took a screenshot from that Clippers-Rockets game nobody mentioned the dunk that Yao airballed early in that game, and how the announcers subsequently talked for the next few minutes about how it was one of the worst plays they'd ever seen. For a long time afterwards whenever there was a bad play in the game they would keep saying "yeah, but that wasn't as bad as Yao's airball dunk."
I did a little box score review, and I discovered that Yao had four of his shots rejected this weekend (once by the Lakers and thrice by the Clippers). That brings Yao's season total of "blocks against" to 14 in seven games. That's right: The gigantic Yao is having his shot stuffed an average of two times a game. In addition, some research at 82games.com uncovered the following "stunning" revelations: Yao's effective field goal percentage on dunks is only 50 percent. Just as damning, if not more so, are the following stats: 22 percent of his "close" shots are getting blocked, 19 percent of his inside shots are getting stuffed, and 17 percent of his flush attempts are being returned to sender. Also, you can officially add Kobe to the list of things Yao can't dunk over or against:
Luke Walton: Things aren't getting any better for the Son of Walton. Sunday's contribution to the team was a two trillion. Which, admittedly, was a slight improvement on Wednesday's two-minute, 0-for-1 showing against the Clippers. Man, Luke's seeing so little action his Yahoo player page doesn't even have any pictures of him. Even Mario West has three pictures up on his page. (Although one is of him high-fiving Al Horford from the bench and the other two are guys scoring over him. So maybe "no pictures" is better.) As Basketbawful reader William H. said: "Can you believe that Luke is getting paid almost $6,000,000 per year to warm the bench?" [Looks around the league] Yes. Yes, I can believe it. Sadly.
Joey Dorsey: He saw Luke's two trillion and matched him poop for poop. Now all he needs is a dog-ugly stalker and you wouldn't be able to tell them apart.
Jordan Farmar, quote machine: From Basketbawful reader Caleb: "Basketballers (or maybe sportsmen in general) must be the worst at spewing out cliche after cliche (with a little nonsense mixed in) and saying nothing at all in the process. Said Jordan Farmar after the Lakers' comeback win over the Rockets: "It's just a matter of us playing basketball and sitting down on the defensive end and locking it in and getting it done." (from ESPN's wrap) Please find me a clip of the Lakers sitting down on the defensive end, because for the life of me I can't picture it. I've just started training with a new club in Brisbane, and I'll be suggesting drills that cover sitting down, locking it in and getting it down. Oh, and playing basketball also." I couldn't find any video evidence, but rumor has it the Nuggets are very interested in this "sit down" defensive method.
NBA scheduling: The Lakers have now played three games since November 1st. It must be nice to get four days of rest between games.