Marcus Williams: He played only seven seconds against the Raptors on Friday night, earning the season's very first Mario! You know your coach doesn't like you when...

Jermaine O'Neal: Well, O'Neal's presence has certainly done wonders for Chris Bosh, who's on fire now that he doesn't have to play center. As for the Drain? Not so much. On Friday night, he scored only 5 points on 2-for-10 shooting and almost fouled out. He was also soundly outplayed by Andris Biedrins (17 points, 13 rebounds). But despite all that, he managed to come off like an arrogant ass in the second quarter: After blocking a shot by Brandon Wright, he fell to the floor, wagged his finger while still on his back, then got up and said "No way" to the Golden State bench as he ran up the court.

The New York Knicks: That 120 they dropped on opening night already feels like ages ago, doesn't it? The Knicks scored 87 and 86 points during a winless weekend that saw them get blown out in Philly on Friday and lose at home to the Bucks last night. D'Antoni Ball was in full effect when they played the Sixers: The Knicks hit only 32 percent of their 98 shots while surrendering 59 percent shooting on the other end. In that game, Chris "I'm no Steve Nash" Duhon shot 1-for-8 and Zach Randolph finished with 12 points on 19 field goal attempts and had three of his shots fed back to him. On Sunday, the Knicks shot only 37 percent against Milwaukee...and they attempted 36 three-pointes (they hit only 12 of them). Duhon was 2-for-6, Jamal Crawford was 0-for-6, Randolph was 6-for-17, etc. And Stephon Marbury is still a huge distraction that's being poorly handled. The more things change, the more they stay sadly the same.

The NBA: Where "Defense" is just waiting to get back on offense.
The Sacramento Kings: Let's see. They helped the Heat match a franchise record for margin of victory in a home opener (26 points) by scoring only 77 on 38 percent shooting and committing 25 turnovers (compared to only 10 assists). Kevin "The Future of the Franchise" Martin scored 9 points on 2-for-8 shooting, grabbed 1 rebounds, dished zero assists and had 5 turnovers. Beho Udrih shot 1-for-7 and also committed 5 turnovers. According to Sacramento coach Reggie Theus: "There is no explanation for it." Really? How about: Your team sucks? Their situation did not improve on Saturday, when they lost 121-103 to the Magic despite shooting almost 53 percent from the floor. But that's what happens when let the other team shoot 55 percent and pound you on the boards 40-28 (including 15-6 on the offensive glass).

J.J. Redick: How has J.J. responded to his promotion to Orlando's sixth man? By going 0-for-8 from the field in 39 minutes of action over the team's first three games. He also has more fouls (4) than points (2). He is shooting 100 percent from the line though! See? There's always a bright side.

The Chicago Bulls: At 2-1, the Bullies are off to a "fast start"...thanks to wins against the Bucks and Grizzlies. But their game against Boston showed all their warts: 29 percent shooting (25-for-84), 20 turnovers and only 11 assists.

Derrick Rose: Look, the kid has been better than expected out of the gate. He can score, no question about it. But his floor game has not been good. In two weekend games, he attempted 34 shots while dishing out only 4 assists. That's a bad ratio for a team's starting point guard. He also had more turnovers (5) than dimes, which is another bad ratio. If the Bulls are going to seriously improve on last year's disappointing season, Rose is going to need to start shooting less and getting his teammates involved more.

Oh, he also needs to work on his grammar. Regarding the play of the Celtics, Rose said: "There ain't no time to wait. When you get the opportunity, you've got to take it. They don't waste no time when they come out. They mean business." Just leave the double negatives to LeBron, okay, Derrick?

Los Angeles Clippers: They faced the Nuggets without Carmelo Anthony and the Jazz without Deron Williams. And they still went 0-for-the-weekend. And Baron Davis is hurt already. Yup. The Clippers: They are who we thought they were.

Ricky Davis: His line for the weekend: 1-for-11, 2 points, 3 rebounds, 2 assists, a turnover and 4 fouls. It's a good thing the signed him over the summer, because he's the perfect Clipper.

The San Antonio Spurs: They shot 56 percent from the field and downtown on Friday...and lost anyway. Man, they really miss Manu Ginobili. They also miss their defense: They managed only 1 steal and blocked zero shots. The Blazers only committed 6 turnovers on the night.

Bruce Bowen: He's 37 and rapidly decomposing before our eyes. His totals over the first two games of the season are: zero points, 4 rebounds, 1 assist, 1 steal and 3 fouls in 42 minutes of PT. Also, it looks like his days of being a lockdown defender are D-U-N. It might be time to get him out of the rotation, Pop.

The Miami Heat: They received a sound thumping at the hands of the Charlotte Bobcats, dropping them to 1-2 on the season...with the other loss coming against the Knicks. And D-Wade isn't playing that "One of the five best players in the world" ball everybody thought he would be after his performance in the Olympics. On the bright side, Michael Beasley recovered from his awful first game to score 17 and 25 points over the weekend.

Shawn Marion: Hm...12 PPG on 43 percent shooting so far. Not what you'd expect from the guy who felt underappreciated as the highest-paid player on the Suns' roster last season. He is rebounding and blocking shots, though.

Joel Anthony: This undrafted center out of UNLV notched the season's first official one trillion. Congrats, Joel! Your prize -- a paper bag filled with poo -- is on it's way.

The Boston Celtics: A 16-point loss -- during which they were down by as many as 25 in the fourth quarter -- to the Indiana Pacers? Ouchies. Can you say championship hangover? The C's shot 34 percent and committed 24 turnovers while forcing only 12. They also missed 14 freethrows. Oh, and Paul Pierce knocked out Danny Granger's two front teeth during a battle for a loose ball. Said Kevin Garnett: "I don't even know what to call it." How about "Mucho Sucko"? "Maximum Suckage" maybe? Anybody?

Eddie House: Dude has no conscience. Saturday's line: 1-for-10 shooting, including 1-for-7 from Threeland. Update! As Kevin, who corrected my spelling of "conscience" put it: "But the way he played you could argue he wasn't conscious at all of what he was doing; it's like his arms and hands just need to get rid of the ball as soon as they touch it." But wait, there's more! Assists? Zero. Turnovers? 2. And he's the Celtics safety net at point guard, which should raise some serious red flags among the Boston faithful.

Jeff Foster, quote machine: Regarding Danny Granger's late-game dental procedure: "Losing his teeth when we're up by 16 just shows the commitment he has, and the commitment everybody else has to have, to make this climb back up the mountain." So I guess we should expect many more lost teeth by the Pacers this season. Can't wait!

The Philadelphia 76ers: Their 1-2 record is an early sign that the Sixers aren't quite ready to challenge Boston and Detroit for Eastern Conference supremacy. So is the fact that they couldn't hold a 23-point lead against the Hawks. But they do have access to all the cheese steak sandwiches they could ever want, so it all evens out I guess.

The Washington Wizards: Good God, people. It's called defense. You should really try it some time. It's not just that they let the Pistons shoot 53 percent, it's also that they let Walter Herrmann have a career day: 16 points (6-for-9), 7 rebounds, 4 assists and a steal in 23 minutes. And even that isn't as bad as letting Kwame "Stone Hands" Brown go 4-for-4 and score 8 points in less than 8 minutes. FAIL.

LeBron's O: Hey, didn't this guy lead the league in scoring last season? He's currently averaging 19.7 PPG on 43 percent shooting. He hasn't hit a three yet (0-for-9) and hasn't scored more than 22 in three games. He boarding (7.7 RPG) and dishing (9.3 APG), but his shot -- which has always been a little suspect -- actually regressed over the summer.

"Hey! Anybody seen my jump shot?
Mo Williams: I know, I know. It's way early. But still...13.3 PPG on 41 percent from the field and 31 from beyond the arc? I'm telling you, it's Larry Hughes: Part II.

Mike James: CP3's backup scored zero points on 0-for-5 shooting and had 2 assists in 12 minutes. I'm telling you, Paul is going to play himself to death this season. Hey, Chris. Steve Nash feels your pain, bro.

Mavs versus Wolves: Check out the brevity of this game recap. It just screams "Nobody cares."

Rodney Carney: It's the season's second Mario! Rodney logged four seconds against the Mavericks. And while Allen Iverson probably could have gotten off three or four shots in that amount of time, Carney could not.

Chuck Hayes: Whoa, Chucky! Dude had an eight trillion...against the Oklahoma City Thunder! Holy wowsers. How can you accomplish exactly nothing in that much PT against such a lousy team? It doesn't seem possible.

Tracy McGrady's defense: He let Kevin Durant score 22 points through the first three quarters. Then Ron Artest switched onto Durant and the kid scored 4 points the rest of the way. Speaking of which...

Ron Artest, quote machine: "Sometimes you've got to treat Kevin Durant like he's Michael Jordan. You've got to treat every player like they're Jordan, play them hard." Well, he's on your team so it doesn't matter, but I'm pretty sure you won't ever have to treat Chuck Hayes like he's Michael Jordan. I'm just sayin'. Update! Basketbawful reader Brian S. reminded me of this: "When he said guard everyone like they're Michael Jordan, did he mean break their ribs like Artest did when Jordan was coming back?" Well...with Ron...you never know...

Tyrus Thomas: His first game of the season -- a 15-point, 10-rebound, 3-assist, 2-steal effort -- caused a ripple of "Maybe Tyrus Thomas has arrived!" speculation around the Chicagoland area. How easily people can be fooled. He followed the season-opener by shooting 2-for-17 against the Celtics. Why on Earth Ty Thomas would ever take that many shots in a game is beyond me. Then, against the Grizzlies, he scored 3 points on 0-for-5 shooting and committed 3 turnovers. So, you know, same old, same old.

Andrea Bargnani: In true Bargnani fashion, he followed up a hope-lifting 19-point, 8-for-10 shooting game against the Warriors by scoring zero points (0-for-3) in 17 minutes against the Bucks. Which probably proves, once again, that you can never trust a stat line that was produced against Golden State.

Andrew Bynum: He celebrated his newfound wealth by racking up more fouls (5) than points (4) against the Nuggets. He shot 0-for-1 and had 3 turnovers, too.

Luke Walton: Oh me oh my: Luke notched a Mario against Denver by playing only 29 seconds. He did, however, manage to miss a shot and grab a rebound in his half-minute of action. But still.

Carmelo Anthony: He returned of his suspension only to turn in the following craptastic line against the Lakers: 13 points, 5-for-15, 0-for-4 from the line and 5 turnovers. But he did offer the following insight: "I'm not going to worry about the offensive game for myself. I can do that with my eyes closed." Really, 'Melo? Looks to me like you really did play the game with your eyes closed.

Carmelo Anthony, quote machine: More 'Melo, regarding his awful O: "I haven't had that feeling for a long time. I tell you what, I won't have it again. I'll tell you that." Oh yeah? You know I'll be watching...

Ike Diogu: A silent one trillion against the Suns. You know, Ike is one of those "project" players that everybody likes to discuss by saying "If he ever lives up to his potential...." Well, guess what? He's never living up to his potential. Ever.


The Minnesota Timberwolves: The Wolves gave the Oklahoma City Thunder their first-ever victory. Which means they must know how the Harlem Globetrotters felt the first time they lost to the Washington Generals. And the main reason this happened was...

Randy Foye: Way to kill your team, Randy: 0-for-10 shooting and 5 turnovers. Oh, and two of those shots were blocked. A real ego-ectomy special.

The Allen Iverson trade: AI to Detroit for Chauncey Billups and 'Tony McDyess? Because the Pistons need a ME-ME-ME-FIRST!! scorer handling the rock? Bad trade. Baaaaaaaaad trade.

Update! Kobe Bryant: The Dark Lord created a giant underground drill for the purpose of sending it to the Earth's core to deliver a nuclear warhead that would cause the simultaneous eruption of all the world's volcanoes. Fortunately for us all, he was narrowly thwarted by Austin Powers, International Man of Mystery. Initially, it looked as though the Doberman of Death was planning to hold the planet hostage, but when Powers asked if Mamba expected the world leaders to pay, he replied, "No, Mr. Powers. I expect them...to die."

Labels: Jermaine O'Neal, New York Knicks