I love these old school shoe commercials. Seriously, I can't get enough of 'em. All-time greats, laughable production values, not-so-special effects and acting that's so lifeless and wooden it would embarrass those LeBron and Kobe puppets. The best part of this commercial: The slightly creepy forced group laugh at the end. (That's the exact same laugh, by the way, that my college roommate used to have when I walked in on him with an Adam & Eve catalogue.) Second-best part: Larry's delayed reaction after Dr. J takes his shoe. (If only they'd had Larry say "Aw, schucks!" or "Gee willikers!"...)

Labels: Converse, Dr. J, Larry Bird, Magic Johnson, shoe commercials

Anybody remember faux stuntman Super Dave Osborn? It's hard to believe that, in the early 90s, he was popular enough to be the featured character in a Nike commercial, with Reggie Miller getting relegated to the supporting role. If anything, you should watch this to see Reggie's hair. It's geometrically awesome.


Man, if Reggie's acting was any more wooden, you could build a nice, toasty campfire out of him. But, as Reggie himself might say: "We're not here for lollipop and kisses."

Extrapalooza: Here's Super Dave getting into it with Mr. T.

Labels: Reggie Miller, shoe commercials, Super Dave Osborn

Basketbawful reader Jon sent in a link to this old Adidas commercial where Kobe goes one-on-one with a hapless child. Mamba goes after the kid with the kind of pitiless rage I would expect from King Leonidas, slapping his shots halfway to Abu Dhabi and dunking over him. Note that the title to this post is only a joke. Kobe doesn't hate kids. He hates everybody He's a competitor.


Note: I've received a lot of good submissions over the last couple weeks that I haven't had the opportunity to post. I'll probably do a compilation of them soon. And then I'll finish the Worsties, and then I'll cure cancer, and then...man, I need a vacation.

Labels: fan submissions, Kobe Bryant, shoe commercials

rondo (rahn'-do) verb. 1. To smoothly move between large objects with dexterity and purpose. 2. To remove an object quickly without being detected. 3. To create a distraction followed by a swift change of direction.

Usage example: I just rondo'd some potato chips off my co-worker's desk. I'm such a Ninja.

Word history: The word was created by the folks at Reebok for their new viral marketing campaign featuring [SHOCK ALERT!!] the Boston Celtics' Rajon Rondo. And without further ado, here are the videos (note the brilliant cameos by Dee Brown and Jo Jo White):




[Hat tip: Ball Don't Lie, featuring the madcap -- but merry -- misadventures of J.E. Skeets.]

Labels: Boston Celtics, Rajon Rondo, shoe commercials, Word of the Day

Check out this wacky commercial for the Bird 33 sneakers from Skechers that -- as far as I can tell -- don't even exist. Which makes sense, since I don't remember the real Larry Bird ever being quite as mobile as the digital version. Publicity stunt? Scam? Really poor marketing? You be the judge.


Seriously, though, I thought Bird was a lifelong Converse man. What happened? He must not remember what they did for him. But I do. (Hint: He walked away with something...)


Update! I guess the Bird 33s actually do exist. Trev sent in this link and Steve sent in this one and this one. Apparently, they're meant for kids, which seems...odd to me. I mean, how many 10-year-old Larry Bird fans have you met? Personally, I keep five or six ragamuffins locked up in crawl space at all times, forcing them to watch Larry Bird: A Basketball Legend over and over Clockwork Orange-style. But I've probably only gotten, say, a couple hundred brainwashed over the years, and that's hardly enough to support a shoe line.

Labels: Larry Bird, shoe commercials

I always got a kick out of this 2003 Nike commercial starring Paul Pierce and Jermaine "The Drain" O'Neal. On opposite sides during a pickup game, the two men step up to the challenge by ignorning the absolute living hell out of their teammates and going one-on-one until everybody else just stops playing. Not sure what kind of message Nike was trying to get across, other than "Just Do It (Be A Selfish Bastard)!"

Also, this would be a lot funnier to me if I hadn't been in so many pickup games that devolved into something like this...

Labels: ball hoggery, Jermaine O'Neal, Nike, Paul Pierce, pickup basketball, shoe commercials

If you had just released a revolutionary new shoe product and were looking for a celebrity to endorse it, you'd probably choose a dominant sports figure who epitomizes the power and majesty of raw athletic ability. That's what Nike did, and we all know how that turned out.

In 1989, Reebok unveiled The Reebok Pump, but they used a somewhat different marketing approach. Instead of signing one of world's premier athletic talents (ala Michael Jordan), Reebok chose a broken-down, retired basketball player that nobody really liked anymore. They chose Bill Walton.


Walton was an especially ironic selection, since by the time this commerical aired his feet were composed entirely of chicken wire and tissue paper. Big Bill even drew attention to that fact by saying, "Pump, where were you when I needed you?!" Walton followed up that mournful rebuke with "If I could play today, I'd pump up for support, protection, and a custom fit." It's as if Bill wants us to believe that some air and a little extra rubber would have prevented his brittle feet from breaking into thousands of tiny pieces.

Sadly, this Utopian world in which foot injuries were completely eradicated by the Reebok Pump never came to be. Maybe that's because the Pump was so damn expensive: $180 on its initial release. And that was in 1989 dollars. In today's marketplace, that would be, like, a $10,000 shoe. Believe me, nobody's going to buy a $10,000 shoe endorsed by an injury-prone has-been. After all, how many pairs of Shaq's Dunkman game shoes do you own? Yeah, that's what I thought.

So if you're ever wondering why Reebok failed to overtake Nike in the Great Shoe Wars of the 1990s, it's because they tried to sell what was, at the time, the most expensive athletic shoe ever based on the recommendation of a man who could barely walk. It also didn't help that their tagline -- Pump Up and Air Out -- sounded like the flatulent result of a late-night Taco Bell run.

Labels: Bill Walton, celebrity endorsements, Nike, Reeboke, Shaq, shoe commercials

If there were two guys in the 80s you wouldn't have expected to find dunking on each other in a solitary game of one-on-one, it would have been Dennis Johnson and Danny Ainge. But Reebok begged to differ, to the point where they made an entire commercial that centered around such a dubious scenario. The "dunks" are filmed in that sad, look-away manner that suggests poor DJ probably had to jump off a folding chair just to reach the rim.

The best part of this particular commercial is the ending, where the two men smile and pull into an embrace that's gayer than a fanny pack full of rainbows. I guess Danny is just a better man than me, because I'm not sure I could hug a guy who just dunked all over me.

Labels: Danny Ainge, Dennis Johnson, dunks, Reebok, shoe commercials

This classic television commercial for the Converse "Weapon" had a little bit of everything that made the 80s so great: A shoe named after something deadly, famous athletes trying to dance and rap, and Larry Bird's majestic feathered mullet.


Worst shoe:Magic Johnson's yellow and purple abomination. People in the 80s were not ready for something so hideous.

Best performer: Bernard King was the only guy in the commercial that had a semblance of rhythm and didn't sound like he was rapping straight off a cue card.

Most questionable appearance: Every player in this group at one time or another placed in the top 4 in MVP voting...except Mark Aguirre.

Best moment: When Kevin McHale sets his shoe on Isiah Thomas' head. Note the utter disdain in McHale's withering glance.

Best line: Larry's "You already know what they did for me...I walked away with the MVP," delivered in that odd drawl that only Bird could pull off. Note his rather strange pronunciation of MVP.

Labels: Bernard King, fake Magic Johnson, Isiah Thomas, Kevin McHale, Larry Bird, Mark Aguirre, NBA, shoe commercials