This sad bench photo gets bonus points for the inclusion of Patrick Chewing.
The Orlando Magic: This video -- which you've probably already seen at least a half dozen times -- pretty much sums up everything you need to know about Game 3 of the Celtics-Magic series:


Kevin Garnett called that a "pure, I-want-it-more-than-you type of play." Rondo said: "I wanted to make a play on the ball. He had the angle on me so I decide to dive for it." Doc Rivers added: "I didn't think he could get to it. I don't think Jason Williams thought he could get to it, honestly. I don't know how he got it."

Was that play, technically speaking, a travel? Maybe. But the call (or non-call) went the way of the player who just flat out wanted it more...just like the game went to the team that wanted it more. Here's another video that kind of proves that out:


And another:


And another:


The way the Celtics sleep-walked through the regular season was so convincing that even after they won Games 1 and 2 in Orlando, there were people who pointed to the C's so-so play in Boston as a possible glimmer of hope for Orlando. Conventional thinking was that if the Magic showed up with a sense of urgency, if they outhustled and outworked the Celtics, they could win Game 3 and make this a series.

Instead, the Magic recreated this immortal scene from the first Austin Powers movie:


Orlando was outrebounded 43-36, outscored in the paint 43-22, and they gave up 19 points on 17 turnovers. They shot only 36 percent from the field and scored only 71 points. They lost by 23 after trailing by as many as 32.

Mind you, coming into this series, the Magic were 8-0 in the playoffs and averaging 101 PPG while shooting almost 50 percent from the field and nearly 40 from downtown. Against the Boston Stranglers, they're scoring 83.7 PPG and shooting 39 and 28 percent, respectively. As Zach Harper of Cowbell Kingdom pointed out: "Their offensive rating is down to 95 points per 100 possessions. For reference, the 12-70 Nets were last in the NBA with 100.6 points per 100 possessions." And the Celts did pretty much whatever they wanted on the other end of the court. It's a complete offensive/defensive apocalypse for Orlando. Reminder: During the regular season, the Magic were ranked 4th in Offensive Rating and 3rd in Defensive rating.

But forget the numbers for a second. Despite what the critics are saying, the Magic wanted it. There was effort being exerted. The Celtics just wanted it more...which is why you saw Rajon Rondo challenging Orlando's big men for rebounds and Big Baby diving out of bounds for loose balls. And their defense has been like a vise clamped on the Magic's proverbial balls. The C's challenge everything...every shot, every pass, every rebound. They pound on people. What we interpreted as a choke by LeBron and a failure by his teammates was really just a case of their will being broken by a superior defensive force. And we're seeing that happen again.

Who knows. Maybe the Magic have one more big effort left in them. But man...

Said Orlando coach Stan Van Gundy: "I just didn't think we stayed with the fight very well. I thought there were several hustle plays like [Rondo's] in the first half that all went their way. I thought they worked harder than we did. I thought they outcompeted us."


But...but...the Magic were the second-best regular season team in the league. How could they have been handled so easily? Humiliated so completely?

Said Van Gundy: "What's most disappointing to me was that I didn't have them ready to compete. It starts with me, it's my job, I'm the coach, and I'm not happy about what I did tonight -- my plan, my adjustments, my everything."


Wait...it's your fault your team kind of gave up?

More SVG: "I don't think we stayed with the fight very well, and we went sideways mentally. And there were a lot of guys in that room that have built this team to where it is, a contender that has gained respect, and that game tonight -- not just the score , but the way it went -- it's disappointing because that's not who we are and what we've worked to become. And between now and Monday, there needs to be a lot of soul searching and pulling together, because the normal reaction is to try to escape, and to try to escape blame, and it takes mentally mature people to bounce back and show who we are. But if we don't have that kind of toughness, we shouldn't be here anyway."


Dwight Howard: His final line: 39 minutes, 7 points, 7 rebounds, 3-for-10 shooting, 1-for-4 from the line, 1 assist, 1 steal, 3 blocked shots, 1 turnover. Glen "Big Baby" Davis' final line: 27 minutes, 17 points, 6 rebounds, 5-for-9 shooting, 7-for-9 from the line, 1 blocked shot, zero turnovers. 'Nuff said?

No, not quite. All those decisive moves and that successful hook shot Dwight unveiled in Game 2 went the way of Jimmy Hoffa. The Celtics were once again able to get away with single coverage on Howard...even when Big Baby was guarding him. Of course, Boston's cause has been helped by the fact that the refs are letting all sorts of physical play go in this series, which is the only conceivable reason Baby could have roughed up Howard for most of his 27 minutes of PT without registering a single personal foul...

...but still.

Rashard Lewis: The 118 Million Dollar Man has been so bawful in this series that his contract just climbed to the number two spot in Stan Van Gundy's list of things he'll go back and change when he finishes his time machine, right after "tell Matt Barnes not to push opposing players into me." In Game 3, he finished with 4 points (2-for-8, 0-for-4 from beyond the arc), 4 boards, 4 turnovers and 5 fouls in 28 minutes. That pushes his series totals to 15 points, 15 rebounds, 6 assists, 7 turnovers and 10 fouls in about 111 minutes of lacktion. As far as shooting goes, Lewis is 6-for-24 from the field and 1-for-13 from three-point range.

All I know is that people in the greater Orlando area are scrambling around in a mad search for the shallow grave of Rashard Lewis. Oh, and I loved what Sir Charles had to say: "Hey, Rashard, learn how to dribble over the summer."

Vince Carter: 15 points, 5-for-12, 1-for-5 on threes. You're telling me this guy was an upgrade from Hedo Turkoglu? Oh, and remember Game 1, when Vince was all about attacking the rim? Yeah, the Celtics have done a pretty good job of intimidating him out of that mindset. Even when he makes a strong move to the hoop, as soon as a Boston defender rotates to challenge him, Vag just chucks the ball at the rim and ducks his head.

Jameer Nelson: Remember how on-fire this guy was in Rounds 1 and 2? In Game 3, he went 5-for-14 from the field and a dismal 3-for-9 from downtown. Forget about why on earth Nelson would ever attempt that many threes and focus on the fact that he finished with 1 assist in 32 minutes. That's right...1...versus 4 turnovers. Not exactly the floor game you want from your starting point guard. Not surprisingly, the Magic finished with only 10 assists.

Matt Barnes: Mr. Barnes took out his own coach, using KG as the weapon:


Kevin Garnett: As bad as Howard played, this was still pretty impressive:


Unfortunately for Phil, Jedi mind tricks don't work on Amar'e.
The Los Angeles Lakers: With every mismatch seemingly in their favor, with last year's Finals MVP having himself a game (36 points, 9 rebounds, 11 assists) and Pau Gasol having another near perfect game (23 points, 11-for-14, 9 rebounds), you'd think the Lakers would be getting their brooms out of the closet. And they probably would be, too, if they could play some defense.

The Suns scored 118 points. They were aggressive enough to earn 42 free throw attempts. And Amar''''''e Stoudemre -- who was crucified here and pretty much everywhere else after Game 2 -- had a "lucky" game, tying his career playoff high with 42 points on 14-for-22 from the field and 14-for-18 from the line. (Btw, one of STATUE's FT misses came after a stat-cursing graphic alerted viewers to the fact that the Suns had hit 21 straight freebies). Heck, Stoudemire even had 11 boards...8 defensive!

After all the grinning and smirking Gasol did in Game 2, it was really sweet to watch Amar''''''e so relentlessly abuse him last night. It'll be a wonder of human psychology if Pau doesn't try to enroll in witness protection this morning.

I could go on about L.A.'s defensive ineptitude, or how they got rattled by the Suns' zone and were seduced into chucking up all sorts of crappy treys, but how about I just cut-and-past what Basketbawful reader Karc had to say about this game:

Yeah, about that "4th" ranked defense for the Lakers, gave up another 118 points tonight to the Suns and lost. 24th ranked three-point shooting, so why not take 32 threes and only hit 9. There was a sequence late in the game where they shot four bricked threes in a row, I think they were only down by 4 at that point. Sure enough, Suns go up 10, ball game over.

Of course, there was the obligatory "stat curse" when it was mentioned that the Lakers are unbeaten in the playoffs when Gasol and Byrant score 20 each. Not any more.

One of the interesting arguments I hear from people who defend the Lakers is that they play smart basketball. Watched that fourth quarter. Five turnovers, Odom fouling out, Lakers getting sucked into bad jumpers from a zone defense of guys six inches shorter than them. Not proclaiming to be an expert at basketball, but going into the paint seemed to be working.

Can we just hand the title to Boston at this point? Seriously, who's going to beat them? Orlando's deadly (more like suicidal) three-point shooting? The Lakers' stupidity to rely on their 24th-ranked three-point shooting when they've got a guy in there who's virtually unstoppable in the post (Gasol went 11-14, could have been 19-23 and a win if they take out the gun-slinging). Suns don't have a chance against a team that actually plays some defense.

And, LA fans (including the ones in Phoenix), quit this whole "We want Boston" chant. First, you haven't beaten the Suns yet. BTW, WOTN goes to Andrew Bynum for this nugget, then stinking out the joint with a field goal, two rebounds, and four fouls in under eight minutes.

This goes back to my whole "Lakers are not that smart" position. Paul Pierce did a similar thing the other day after the road win in Orlando (basically tweeting that the series was over, and it is), and Doc Rivers immediately got on his case for it, saying "I wish he hadn't said that." Ray Allen chipped in something about humility. Pierce redeems himself the next game in a team effort to crush the Magic. Where was Fisher to take the "humble" stance? Or Phil Jackson with something about staying in the zone? Though he gets a slight pass because of the AWESOME shot at Craig Sager's suit, calling him the Good Humor Ice Cream Man. Lakers may win the series, but you'll probably be chanting "No more Boston" after they bitchslap the Lakers in 5.

Andrew Bynum: Karc gave you his stat line...and it wasn't good. And now Phil Jackson is considering benching the kid.

Said Phil: "I'll talk to him to see what his suggestion is about it and how he feels about it. I think he was ineffective. There were some things that got by him. He had one nice move in the post. Defensively I thought he was a little bit late."

Added Bynum: "I was ineffective, that's obvious."

The benches: Lamar Odom might have been the biggest victim of the Phoenix zone, and he finished with 10 points on 4-for-14 shooting and only 6 rebounds before fouling out. The rest of the Lakers reserves managed only 8 points on 3-for-10 shooting.

As for the Suns' bench, those dudes went 3-for-21 from the field, with Channing Frye (0-for-7, 0-for-5 on threes) and Leandro Barbosa (0-for-4, 0-for-3 from distance) leading the Brick Parade. Man, if Frye could just hit a freakin' shot...speaking of which...

Channing Frye: For the series, Frye is shooting 1-for-20 from the field, 1-for-14 on threes, and has missed 17 straight shots. His hero? Rashard Lewis, apparently.

Robin Lopez: Lopez actually had a really strong game, hitting some hook shots and providing actual, honest-to-goodness interior toughness for the "spongy on the outside, cream filling on the inside" Suns. But please don't try to tell me thsi happened on accident:


Steve Nash's face: Holy Christ, is Steve's face going to survive the playoffs? The man wasn't exactly handsome when the postseason started. Now he looks like someone who's spent the last five years living on a strict diet of Steven Segal face punches. President Obama is this close to declaring Nash's mug a national disaster site...and he probably would have done it already if Nash wasn't Canadian.


After Nash bent his busted nose back into place on live TV during the game, Basketbawful reader zyth said: "So, um, when do we fawn over Bron's or Kobe's toughness next? It's just ridiculous how little love Nash gets around the world."

This is a fact: Nash does not get nearly enough credit for his toughness. Here's a dude who plays through a chronic back ailment that affects him every day and has for his entire career. But all we ever hear about is Kobe's finger or LeBron's elbow. I actually read an article in the Chicago Tribune this weekend that said (with complete seriousness) that the Crabs would have swept the Celtics if LeBron's elbow would have been 100 percent. And if the Lakers end up losing, I have a funny feeling we'll suddenly find out something was "wrong" with Mamba. Meanwhile, as awesome as he is, nobody ever says, "Man, imagine how good Nash would be if he didn't suffer from spondylolisthesis.

As always, I'm just sayin'.

Amar''''''e Stoudemire: "You can never question my determination, my focus, my dedication. That's one of the reasons I've persevered through injuries and continue to try to improve every summer. My dedication to the game is at an all-time high."

Lamar Odom, unintentionally dirty quote machine: "He got to the hole and was forceful."

Mike Brown: Fired. We all saw that one coming, right? Another Coach of the Year casualty. Did you know, four of the past five CotYs (Brown, Byron Scott, Sam Mitchell and Avery Johnson) have been fired, and the oen before Johnson (Mike D'Antoni) was, shall we say, encouraged to explore other options. If I was Scott Brooks, I would be getting a little twitchy.

Weekend lacktion report: I don't like to criticize, but I think Chris should have included Rashard Lewis in his lacktion report...

Magic-Celtics: Michael Finley found a piece of masonry at the Gaaahden and paired it with a foul in 8:23 for a celebratory +2 suck differential!

Meanwhile, Shelden Williams parked in the lacktion ledger tonight by countering a board in 4:45 with a foul and giveaway for a 2:1 Voskuhl.

Lakers-Suns: Josh Powell powered up via portobello in just 55 seconds for a Mario.

Labels: Boston Celtics, Dwight Howard, Jameer Nelson, Los Angeles Lakers, Orlando Magic, Phoenix Suns, Rashard Lewis, Steve Nash, Vince Carter

The Orlando Magic: The Magic swept their way through the first two rounds of the 2010 NBA playoffs. This included a four-game drubbing of the Charlotte Bobcats -- which they essentially did without Dwight Howard, who was plagued by foul trouble throughout the series -- and the laying of some historic smack down on the Atlanta "They Are Who We Thought They Were" Hawks.

This, of course, led to some drastic "mis-overestimation" of the Magic, who were boldly (and foolishly) proclaimed by many experts to be the best team in the playoffs. And yeah, I get that Orlando had won 14 straight games dating back to the regular season. Magic coach Stan Van Gundy wanted his team to be hot heading into the postseason, and he got his wish.

But...shouldn't people have realized that Orlando had two rounds of extremely good fortune? The kind of luck Ben Affleck had when he met Matt Damon and managed to jumpstart a long and crappy career -- have you seen Daredevil?! -- based on the success of Good Will Hunting. The Magic first faced an offense-free team that relied heavily on the shot jackery of Stephen Jackson. Re-read that sentence out loud. Then they drew a squad that had barely beaten the Andrew Bogut-less Milwaukee Bucks and featured an offense built around isolating an All-Star who's masquerading as a superstar.

I'm not saying the Magic weren't playing well -- they were -- but they hadn't faced a complete team yet, either. That should have been obvious, right? It was obvious to me. (In fact, I even said they were going to get a wakeup call in the ECFs.) And it was apparently obvious to the Celtics too...because they welcomed Orlando to the 2010 Eastern Conference Finals with a face punch.

The Celts had a game plan and they carried it out: Use single coverage on Dwight Howard, fouling him whenever necessary (and sometimes even when it was not)), and staying at home on his teammates. In essence, Boston's coaching staff said: "Dwight will have to beat us with his post moves. We can live with that."

Turns out it was a good plan.

The Magic set new 2010 postseason lows for points (88), field goal percentage (41.6), three-point field goal percentage (22.7) and assist-to-turnover ratio (18 TOs to only 10 assists on 32 field goals). Orlando was stuck on 14 points almost 17 minutes into the game. Their last field goal of the first quarter (a Vag Carter dunk) came at the 5:33 mark. Orlando didn't hit another shot (a Carter layup) until 7:35 was left in the second quarter.

During the regular season, the Magic set a new NBA record for three-pointers made. The Celtics were ready to make sure they didn't set any long-distance shooting marks in Game 1. Orlando went 0-for-9 in the first half and 5-for-22 for the game. Boston controlled the tempo and the score for most of the game, eventually going up by as many as 20 points. The Magic did make a strong fourth quarter run to make the final few minutes exciting...but other than that, the Celtics did pretty much whatever they wanted, stealing the game and home court advantage away from the supposedly unstoppable Magic.

Last but certainly not least, some careless ball handling by Orlando and some very active mitts (and no-calls from the officials) by the Celtics led to 18 Magic turnovers which turned into 21 bonus points for the Celtics. Oh, and the "old" Celtics outscored the well-rested Magic 20-6 in fastbreak points. Have you ever seen a healthy teenager get outrun by an 80-year-old man with a walker? Well, you saw the NBA equivalent of that yesterday.

Here's some more fun with numbers, courtesy of ESPN Stats & Information: The Magic hadn't lost since April 2, hadn't been held below 90 points since March 24, hadn't lost had home since March 14, hadn't had 18 turnovers since March 11, hadn't made 4 or fewer three-pointers since March 3, and hadn't had 10 or fewer assists since January 28.

Dwight Howard: You want to know the exact moment when I knew Howard was going to have a bad game? During the pregame show when they showed a clip of Howard's halftime interview with himself. That's right: Dwight, dressed as Clark Kent, actually interviewed himself as "Superman." I understand he's a fun dude and all that, but does that seem like something somebody who's totally focused on an upcoming playoff battle would do?

To quote myself from a few paragraphs ago, Boston's coaching staff went into Game 1 with the following philosophy: "Dwight will have to beat us with his post moves. We can live with that."

Kendrick Perkins, Big Baby and Rasheed Wallace took turns roughing up Howard -- they fouled him a total of nine times -- and harassed him into the following stat line: 13 points on 3-for-10 shooting to go along with 4 fouls, a game-high 7 turnovers and a game-low plus-minus score of -10. Only Matt Barnes (-14) had a worse plus-minus score.

Mind you, Howard had game-highs in rebounds (12) and blocks (5), but the Celtics contained his offense with surprising ease -- even when Baby was guarding him -- which caused Orlando's offense to break down until their fourth quarter run.

Said 'Sheed: "You've got to be physical. He plays physical. That's the one thing we looked at and seen over the last few series. Guys just let him do whatever he wanted to do. We're definitely going to fight him, we have a lot of fouls. I have my six, so do Baby [Glen Davis], Perk [Kendrick Perkins], Shelden [Williams], Kevin [Garnett]."

Pretty much, yeah. And that physical play started getting to Howard, who started trying to elbow and shove away his Celtic defenders. Only the shoving became the focus instead of a means to get open.

Said Dwight: "They're going to try to frustrate me and get into my head and play head games, and I have to do my best to maintain my focus. I got into a little wresting match with all their guys, and that's to their advantage. That takes me off my game."

Update! From TrueHoop, here's a video breakdown of Pumaman's rough night:


Rashard Lewis: Vince Carter's strong game -- a team-high 23 points on 9-for-18 shooting and some aggressive moves to the basket -- was offset by Rashard's Fiesta of the Bricks. Lewis went 2-for-10 from the field and 0-for-6 from downtown, finishing with only 6 points in 43 minutes. Mind you, scoring his is primary function. And it's not like the Celtics had any special "Rashard Rules" or anything. They just refused to leave him open and kept a hand in his face. That's it. That's all it took to shut Lewis down.

And this is where I remind everybody that Lewis was the 9th highest paid player in the league this season. Other notables in the top 10: Knee-Mac (1st), Jermaine "The Drain" O'Neal (3rd), Shaq (5th) and Michael Redd (10th). Also, Larry Hughes is 29th...just ahead of Chris Paul. As always, I'm just sayin'.

Update! Rasheed Wallace, quote machine: Thanks to Heretic for sending this one in: "A lot of them jump shots, the buttholes get tight."

Update! Almost forgot...Ray-Ray failed to block out tiny Jameer Nelson when Vince Carter intentionally missed a free throw with eight seconds left. Nelson strolled in for the putback, which cut Boston's lead to 90-88. Allen knocked in a couple freebies with six seconds left to widen the gap, but that play really could have cost the Celts the game.

Officiating: During the first quarter, Rajon Rondo drove to the basket and was very clearly whacked across the arm right in front of Dan Crawford. No call. Shortly thereafter, Jameer Nelson got semi-wrestled into a turnover that turned into two points going the other way. I understand "letting them play," but at times this game was chaos.

As Basketbawful reader Heretic said: "Loved the officiating. Just horrible calls all around. Fouls, illegal inbound passes, moving screens...the refs said 'Fuck it, its Thunderdome rules baby!'"

Phil Jackson: I know, I know. I titled this post "Worst of Game 1 of the 2010 Eastern Conference Finals," but I had to include some Worst of the Weekend-type stuff. Such as more of Phil Jackson's stupid mind games. His latest victim: Steve Nash.

Jackson had grinned when asked on Friday if it's tough for the Lakers to prepare to face Nash, the reigning NBA skills champion, because of the Suns guard's frenetic style.

"Yeah, because you can't carry the ball like he does in practice," Jackson said, making a gesture of palming the basketball. "You can't pick that ball up and run with it."

Asked Saturday in El Segundo at Lakers practice about Nash's comments, Jackson smiled and feigned innocence. "I didn't complain about it. Did you hear me complain about it?"

Steve Nash and the Suns, quote machine: Steve's response to Phil's latest anti-him volley:

"It's news to me. I'm fortunate. I don't know if I've been called for a carry yet," he said after the Suns practiced Saturday, then he added straight-faced: "I've never heard anyone accuse me of carrying it. I mean, the best coach in the league Gregg Popovich [of San Antonio] didn't have a problem with it last week."

Get it? Popovich the best coach in the league?

"We have the best officials in the world," Nash continued. "I'll just leave it up to them."

Here's Alvin Gentry's response:

"You guys got to admire Phil," Gentry said. "C'mon, the stuff that he throws out there, I mean I think it's great. He's very creative. There's a reason. But I think you've got to understand that there's kind of a method to his madness. If you let it affect you, then it will."

Gentry went on to praise Jackson for his ability to create championship chemistry on teams with great players, calling it "probably the toughest thing in the NBA to do."

He said the Suns weren't going to get drawn into what they consider Jackson's psychological ploy.

"How can we win that?" Gentry said. "We're not going to win that battle anyway."

But the Phoenix coach added a jab at the Lakers when he was asked jokingly if the team worked on ball handling skills.

"We spent the day ducking elbows on post-ups, to see if we could duck elbows on post-ups, " Gentry said, a not-to-thinly veiled nod to the Lakers' style. "So it all works out, it all works out."

And Amar''''''e: "Typical Phil."

Pretty much, yeah.

Shaq: Check it:

Cavaliers center Shaquille O'Neal is a free agent and wants to keep playing, the Cleveland Plain Dealer reported Friday.

The Cavaliers were eliminated by the Boston Celtics, 94-85, on Thursday night in Eastern Conference semifinals.

"I missed 360 games because of injury in my career, so by my calculations I still have 3.7 years left," O'Neal told the Plain Dealer. "That means I'm going to play until I'm 41. I've been here 17 years but I've missed a lot of games, so I still feel I can play this game."

O'Neal said he'd return to the Cavaliers but many things are up in the air, including the status of LeBron James and coach Mike Brown.

"There are a lot of free agents on the team," he told the newspaper. "We just have to sit back and I'm sure everybody's going to do what's best for them."

O'Neal missed the final six weeks of the regular season after tearing a ligament in his right thumb.

"I got injured, came back in better shape," O'Neal told the Plain Dealer. "I did everything they asked me to do."

You know, Shaq promised us he'd retire when he was "only as good as David Robinson." I'm still waiting for him to make good on that promise. Unfortunately, he's going to need a time machine to go back a few years when he was still as good as The Admiral.

By the way, I saw this SI cover at a grocery store near my house yesterday. It cracked my shit up to the point the old lady at the register didn't want to ring up my order.


Fresh on the newsstands! Next week: The Beatles...can they make it as a band? This is why the print media is dying a slow, shuddering death.

Lacktion report: And on the seventy day, chris reported lacktion:

Celtics-Magic: Kendrick Perkins trucked on with five fouls AND giveaways countering two field goals and boards each for a 10:6 Voskuhl in 26:02! Michael Finley found a way to finagle a portobello or two in 7 seconds for a SUPER MARIO!

In non-lacktive news, Pumaman scored a Dantley -- amazing enough considering he missed 5 of 12 attempts at the charity stripe...which is kinda bad when you lose by 4 after a furious fourth-quarter rally. Woops!

Labels: Boston Celtics, Dwight Howard, I want a Shaqintosh, Orlando Magic, Phil Jackson, Rashard Lewis, Ray Allen, Steve Nash

Basketbawful reader Dave R. sent in this steamy pic of Boston's Stephon Marbury and Eddie House, um, celebrating a successful play during Game 5 of the Magic-Celtics series...while Big Baby provides the obligatory high five/fist bump.


Note Eddie's ecstasy and Hedo Turkoglu's agony. Poor Hedo must have felt left out. No matter. Based on this pic sent in by Dan B., Hedo got his -- and then some -- in Game 6. And based on his "That ain't right!" expression, Rashard Lewis apparently didn't appreciate it.

Labels: Boston Celtics, Eddie House, fan submissions, Hedo Turkoglu, man love, Orlando Magic, Rashard Lewis, Stephon Marbury

Dwight Howard: He had a man-sized game (29 points, 8-for-11 from the field, 19 rebounds, 8 offensive boards). But -- and you knew there was a "but" coming -- he missed seven free throws and went 2-for-6 in the fourth quarter. This gets mentioned a lot here and elsewhere, but Dwight's shoddy stroke from the line kills the Magic in comeback and end-of-game situations. Anyway, he also committed a game-high 4 turnovers (tying Jameer Nelson) while dishing no assists. Speaking of which...

Fun fact: Through the Magic's first seven games, Howard has 20 turnovers and only 9 assists. Huh. I thought Superman was supposed to help people.

Rashard Lewis: The $100 Million Dollar Man scored a measly 6 points on 3-for-11 shooting. He also missed all five of his three-point attempts. Over the last two games, Rashard mustered 11 points on 5-for-22 shooting (including 0-for-10 from distance). On the season, he's shooting 38 percent from the field and 26 from downtown. This is particularly damning since his primary -- and some would say his only -- duty is to shoot and score. If he's not doing that, he might as well be serving Gatorade on the bench. On the subject of benches...

The Orlando bench: They contributed only 12 points to their team's cause (as compared to 40 from the Portland bench). And when I say "they," I actually mean Keith Boogers Bogans. Nobody else from the Pine Club could offer up a single point. Which brings us to...

Anthony Johnson: Our buddy Ben Q. Rock from the Third Quarter Collapse sent us a Lack-tion Alert on Mr. Johnson: 17 minutes, 1 assist, 2 fouls, 0-for-everything-else. The Magic might as well have subbed in a banana peel for those 17 minutes. At least it might have caused somebody to slip or something.

Update! Keith Bogans, basketball guru: Basketbawful reader Anfernee sent in the following wise words from Mr. Bogans: "With a victory tonight against Portland, the Orlando Magic can rebound from their shocking 0-2 start to the season in a historical way. Having already toppled Sacramento, Chicago, Philadelphia and Washington during the past eight nights at Amway Arena, the Magic can close out the first 5-0 homestand in the 20-year history of the franchise by beating the Blazers. ... 'Winning all five at home would be really big for us,' said Keith Bogans, Orlando's top reserve all season. 'We lost that first one at home, but since then we've realized how important that it is to win at home. I always think that you should win them all at home and get as many as you can on the road.'" In other news, since drinking an entire bottle of Mr. Bubble brand bubble bath, I realize that drinking bubble bath probably isn't a good idea. Nor is sticking this fork into that electrical outle...ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZTTT!!!

Schedule makers: The Portland Trail Blazers may be "only" 4-3, but they've played six of their first seven games against teams that had won at least 52 games last season (Lakers, Spurs, Suns, Jazz, Rockets and Magic). That would be a rough start for anybody. Kudos to them for hanging tough in the face of being Odenless yet again.

The Thunder's shooting: The Oklahoma City kiddies shot 38 percent as a team, led by Earl Watson (2-for-11), Russell Westbrook (1-for-10) and Desmond Mason (0-for-5). A lot of the damage took place during the second quarter, when the Thunder shot 25 percent. In fact, during one particularly brutal five-minute stretch, they missed 10 consecutive shots.

The Pacers' rebounding: From the AP game recap: "[T.J. Ford's] teammates are having fun with the fact that the shortest player on the team has somehow been among its top rebounders the past two games. 'That’s pretty good for a 5-7 guy,' forward Danny Granger joked." It's all fun and games until rebounding costs your team a victory. And make no mistake, that's almost what happened to Indiana last night. The Thunder nearly overcame their shooting woes by grabbing 19 offensive rebounds.

Troy Murphy: He left the game during the second quarter with flu-like symptoms.

Jermaine O'Neal: The Drain had his best game of the season -- 23 points, 11 rebounds, 5 assists -- but he made two critical mistakes in the last two minutes. First, with the game knotted at 84-all, he got his patented turnaround jumper stuffed by Kendrick Perkins. Paul Pierce then hit a shot on the other end to give the Celtics a two-point lead. On the following possession, O'Neal bumbled the ball our of bounds, which led to another jumper from Pierce to pretty much seal the deal. So, you know, Jermaine giveth and Jermaine taketh away.

Update! Jermaine O'Neil's disappearing act: From Alex Athans: "19 points in the first half, 4 in the second...and only 2 of those were from a field goal. I pronounce him David Copperfield, except instead of making the Statue of Liberty vanish, he whisks himself away."

Chris Bosh: The line: 9 points, 3-for-8, 7 rebounds, 1 assist, 2 turnovers, zero blocks and 4 fouls. Has anybody noticed that he and O'Neal can't seem to both have a good game at the same time?

Update! Sam Mitchell: Lord Kerrance pointed out that Bosh had zero shot attempts in the fourth quarter, and then Czernobog stepped up with the following information: "How about subbing Sam Mitchell for Chris Bosh? Apparently Bosh's disappearance was premeditated, the plan was to use him as a 'decoy' in his own words. Brilliant game-plan, Sam. Going away from your best player on what has been his best season so far." Yeah. And not too many great players want to be used as decoys and then watch their team lose because of it (or give up 16-point leads on the road, as the Raptors did last night.)

Update! Kevin Garnett: I pronounce you guilty...of superdickery. Seriously, KG, is it really necessary to pick on Jose Calderon? Seriously? (Dunpizzle on the head's up.)


Scintillating copy: From the AP game recap: "Dwyane Wade was mildly surprised midway through the final quarter to see the Miami Heat trailed by only 10." In other news, I was mildly surprised to find a small wad of lint in my belly button.

More scintillating copy: From the same game recap: "Where there's a Wade, there's a way." Please. Stop this man before he writes again.

Meaningless stats: From the same recap: "[The Heat] improved to 3-0 at home for the first time since the 1999-2000 season." Don't you feel enriched? Personally, I will never forget the Heat's 3-0 home start of '08.

Lame justifications: Dwyane Wade was 0-for-9 on threes before going 4-for-7 last night. And this was Pookie's explanation of his previously frigid shooting: "I didn't need to use them yet. But tonight, I brought them out." Sure. And I have bionic arms that can crush cars and dispense beer. I just haven't needed to use them yet. See what I mean? Both statements are impossible.

Dwyane Wade: He led the Heat to a comeback win by scoring 19 of his 33 points in the fourth quarter...but it's still worth noting that he had more turnovers (6) than assists (5). Oh, and that was a game-high in TOs.

Shawn Marion: He missed last night's game. Groin strain. [Insert joke here] Actually, this news report says he has a strained RIGHT groin. A single groin is, apparently, for mortal men. Marion has both a right and a left groin. Bow before his groinal awesomeness. (Note: The previous statements were made for the comic purposes only. I do not need an anatomy lesson. And besides, sharing your knowledge of the groin will only make people look at you funny.)

Eduardo Najera: Slow Eddy contributed more fouls (2) than rebounds (1) in his nine minutes of near nothingness. Also, his face looks like it was molded out of day-old nacho cheese. That is all.

Hack-a-Boone: The Heat intentionally fouled Josh Boone -- a career 47 percent foul shooter -- with just over three minutes remaining. He probably could have avoided that treatment if he hadn't airballed earlier in the game.

Vince Carter: Vinsanity cost his team a chance to tie the game when he got tooted for traveling with 6.7 seconds left. It was Carter's fourth turnover of the game and his team's 19th. Wah-waaaaaaaah.

The Phoenix Suns: They almost got gunned down by rookie O.J. Mayo (19 of his game-high 33 points in the fourth quarter) last night. In Phoenix. And it took a scoring explosion from Leandro Barbosa to do it. Not a good sign.

Steve Nash: In case nobody noticed, Captain Canada has transformed into the 2003-04 Dallas Mavericks version of himself. He's averaging 13.8 points and 8.0 assists and shooting only 46 percent from the field, which would be a career-high for Allen Iverson but is quite a dip from the 51 percent shooting he's averaged since arriving in Phoenix. In fact, Steve's in a bit of a slump. Here are the numbers from his last four games: 3-for-11, 3-for-9, 2-for-7, and 2-for-5. Age: It catches up. Speaking of which...

Shaq: He shot 3-for-8 from the field and finished with more fouls (6) than rebounds (5). I think it might be time for Shaq to start hitting the All Sport.


Update! Kobe Bryant: He didn't put the cap back on the tube of toothpaste.

Labels: bench play, Dwight Howard, Jermaine O'Neal, Orlando Magic, Portland Trail Blazers, Rashard Lewis, Steve Nash

Detroit Pistons: The Pistons went 0-for-the-weekend after losing back-to-back games against the Lakers and Kings. That means Detroit has lost three of their last four games. Why? Simple: They've lost their defensive focus. After holding their first five opponents to 87.8 PPG, the Pistons have given up scores of 103, 102, 104, 103, and 105 to their last five opponents -- and that's including games against Seattle (99.4 PPG), Portland (93.7 PPG), and Sacramento (99.4). I'm not a mathematologist, but even I know that a team averaging just under 100 PPG can't give up more than that and win on a consistent basis.

New York Knicks: Speaking of teams that went o-for-the-weekend and can't play defense, the Knicks gave up 238 points in back-to-back losses to the Kings and Nuggets. The Knicks defense was so bad that even Allen Iverson shot better than 50 percent against them (7-13). New York now has a nice six-game losing streak going -- tops in the NBA!

Portland Trailblazers: After two exciting, hope-lifting wins against Dallas and Detroit, the Blazers have lost three in a row, including both weekend games against the 76ers (3-6) and Wizards (4-5). They're a young team, and all three losses were on the road, but that doesn't change the fact that they just didn't play well and are currently 0-6 away from home this season.

Utah Jazz: Yet another 0-for-the-weekend team. And while I can sort of understand Friday Night's 99-94 loss to the Cavaliers -- Lebron James blitzkrieged the Jazz with a 40/10/9 performance -- Saturday night's 117-97 loss to the Pacers was totally unforgivable. Utah played the role of Jesus to the Pacers' Lazarus, resurrecting both Mike Dunleavy Jr. (25 points), Jamaal Tinsley (13 assists), and a team that had lost six straight games. Oh, and the Jazz let the Pacers shoot 58 percent. Man, the Pacers couldn't shoot 58 percent in an empty gym full of Nerf hoops.

Houston Rockets: They also went 0-for-the-weekend and are stuck in a four-game losing streak. Mind you, Tracy McGrady has missed the last two-and-a-half games with his annual semi-serious injury, and the Rockets lost three of the four to hot teams (Lakers, Spurs, and Suns). But still, the Rockets have been losing and looking bad while doing so. The only bright spot has been the play of their 40-year-old rookie, Luis Scola. Speaking of which...

Doubters: Some people have been wondering whether Luis Scola is going to be an NBA bust. Scola responded to this criticism (of which I'm sure he was completely unaware) with two very good games: 20 points (10-11), and 4 rebounds against the Spurs, and 20 points (10-19), 11 rebounds, and 4 assists against the Suns. He also was Houston's best player in both games. Not bad.

Rashard Lewis: I know I'm always ragging on Rashard for his poor rebounding skills, but seriously, he deserves it. He's an athletic, 6'10" forward and he got outrebounded 24-7 by opposing point guards this weekend. That's just sad.

Los Angeles Clippers: The Clips teased us all by starting the season 5-2 and then lost consecutive games to the Warriors (2-6) and Bulls (2-7). Yep: They are who we thought they were.

Kevin Durant: The kid shot 3-12 in the Soncis' 100-84 loss to the Bobcats. But I'm used to his sour shooting by now. What really concerned me was the fact that he had only one rebound. Maybe it's only a coincidence, but Seattle got pounded on the boards, 60-38. I know Durant is thin, but he's tall and athletic enough to grab more than one rebound in 30 minutes of action. I mean, according to the box score Jermareo Davidson played exactly zero minutes and even he had one rebound. Rebounding is all about effort, Kevin. Let's see some.

Minnesota Timberwolves: Just how bad are the Wolves? Antoine Walker -- 14 points (5-9), 5 rebounds, 2 assists -- was listed as their top performer in Friday night's 105-89 loss to the Wizards. If Antoine Walker is ever your top performer, you are a bad, bad, bad team.

Luol Deng: The Bulls crappy offense got even crappier in the second half of their 106-78 loss to the Lakers, and I found myself thinking, "Boy, they could sure use Luol Deng right about now." Unfortunately, Deng sat out with what he's desribing as a "bruised ligament" in his back. A whatted what? You can bruise a ligament? I'm not a doctor, but it sounds to me like he has a case of Big Vaginaitis. You know, Larry Bird used to suffer back pain so bad that he couldn't feel his legs or even wiggle his toes. Sometimes he'd have to go to the hospital and be put in traction between games. Do you think that Bird would have abandoned his team, especially if it had been struggling as bad as the Bulls have been, with a "bruised ligament"? Yeah, me either. But the Bulls wouldn't trade Deng for Kobe. I'm just sayin'.

Boston Celtics: The C's lost more games this weekend than they had lost all season. Okay, it was only one game, but still. Anyway, their 104-102 loss to the Magic raises an interesting question: How does a team shoot 53 percent and outrebound their opponent 41-28 and still lose? Hmm, I would guess that Orlando's 44 freethrow attempts (to Boston's 26) had a little something to do with that. Mmmmm...smells like a little home cookin' to me. Of course, the Celtics kind of shot themselves in the foot a little bit too, committing 19 turnovers and falling into a 20-point hole in the first half. And Pierce's last-second shot, an off-balance jumper from 26 feet, was that really the best shot the Celtics could have gotten?

Labels: Boston Celtics, Detroit Pistons, Houston Rockets, Kevin Durant, luol deng, Minnesota Timberwolves, New York Knicks, Portland Trailblazers, Rashard Lewis, Utah Jazz

Koncak (kahn'-kak) noun. A derisive term used to describe an exceptionally large free agent contract, usually signed for several years at the maximum allowable salary. Invariably, the player in question fails, sometimes in tragic fashion, to meet the high expectations commensurate with such a titanic paycheck (see Contract Year Phenomenon for details). Furthermore, the contract's financial burden depletes precious cap space -- much like a throbbing alien parasite coldly and remorselessly sucking away your lifeblood -- effectively preventing the team from improving for several years.

Usage example: Finally free of Grant Hill's ginormous Koncak, the Orlando Magic wasted no time in agreeing to a "bigger and better" Koncak with Rashard Lewis.

Word History: In 1989, the Atlanta Hawks signed Jon Koncak -- a bench player averaging about 5 points and 6 rebounds per game -- to a 6-year, $13 million contract. And yeah, I know that $13 million over six years isn't a lot of money these days, but in 1989 dollars, Koncak was worth more than Larry Bird, Magic Johnson, and Michael Jordan. Seriously.

The Koncak signing succeeded in financially crippling the Hawks for, well, six years, which made it impossible for the team to improve through the acquisition of quality free agents. It is't farfetched to say that much of the misfortune Dominique Wilkins has suffered -- the playoff disappointments, the trade to the Clippers, getting left of the NBA's 50 Greatest Players list, the Hall of Fame snub -- can be attributed to Koncak's Koncak.

Many NBA historians have identified the Koncak as the exact moment teams starting going batshit crazy and signing slightly above-average players for ridiculous sums of money. Examples of other famous Koncaks include Travis Knight's 7-year, $22 million deal with Boston, Brian Cardinal's 6-year, $37 million contract with the Grizzlies, Kenyon Martin's 7-year, $91 million contract with the Nuggets, Howard Eisley's 7-year, $41 million deal with the Knicks, and now Rashard Lewis' 6-year, $110 million contract with the Magic.

The Fans Speak: A few extra tidbits from alert readers. First, I omitted this because I was tired of typing the word "contract," but reader jaz pointed out that Koncak was nicknamed "John Contract" because of his insane deal with the Hawks. An anonymous poster reminded me that part of the reason the Hawks went all-out to resign Koncak was because their bitter rivals, the Detroit Pistons, were also trying to acquire his useless services (I think they were just trying to trick the Hawks into handicapping themselves to resign the big stiff...a strategy that worked to sinister perfection). Max corrected me on Howard Eisley's contract: the Knicks didn't give him the original contract (the Jazz made that terrible mistake), they merely traded for it (but, uh, which is worse?). Finally, Evan from Nerditry.com criticized me (justifiably) for neglecting to mention Jim McIlvane's 5-year, $35 million contract with the Seattle Supersonics, a deal that some people think ruined Shawn Kemp's career.

Breastastic Extra: Since I couldn't find any decent pictures of Koncak, here's one of Denisse, a member of the Hawk's A-Town Dancers. No need to thank me. But you can if you want.

Now her I'd pay $13 million for...

Labels: Atlanta Hawks, bad contracts, Jon Koncak, Rashard Lewis