This is the picture you see in the dictionary next to the word "tools".

Cleveland Cadavers: Progress, people. Progress. One night after getting blistered by 39 points to the Pissed-Ons, the home team lost by "merely" 16 points. They even had the game tied at 57 before allowing the visitors to go on a 24-2 run that featured four three-pointers from Jrue Holiday.

Milwaukee Bucks: Fighting for their playoff lives, the Bucks laid a monstrous egg, dropping a critical game against the Wizards. Defense, supposedly a strong point of the Deer, was nowhere to be seen, as they allowed the Wizards to shoot over 55% from the game and almost that well from distance. The WIZARDS! Skiles must have been turning over in his grave.

Charlotte Bobraps: They've already wrapped up the league's worst record, so they're not actually tanking, it just looks that way. Extending their losing streak to 18 games in the bawfulest way possible, Charlotte got destroyed by the Bulls on their own home floor, highlighted by this sequence, as detailed from the AP recap:

In the first half Matt Carroll had a breakaway layup but put if off the glass too strong and Byron Mullens, who seemed to be in position for a follow-up dunk, had the ball bounce off his hands and out of bounds for a turnover.

That does sound like the Bobcats we know and love. Getting outrebounded 57-38 also sounds like the Bobcats we know and love.

No caption here. This picture just makes me laugh.

Detroit Pissed-Ons:  One day after beating the Cavaliers by 39, the Pissed-Ons faced an opponent of a different caliber, sort of like the difference between a cap pistol and a Desert Eagle.

To nobody's surprise, Detroit got blown out of the gym, trailing by 37 in the first half and 41 in the fourth quarter before finally, mercifully, losing by 32.

Three point shooting:  Both teams subscribed to the "If at first you don't succeed, keep on chuckin' from distance" philosphy, as the Pistons and Hawks shot 7-for-25 and 8-for-28, respectively, from the three point line.

Hey guys, sometime practice doesn't make perfect.

In the following example, the Hawks are the Desert Eagle. I think you can figure out who represents the Pistons.



Toronto Craptors:  Coming into this game, the Heat have only lost four games at home. Toronto was not going to make it five. They shot 1-for-16 from three, were outrebounded 41-33, had more turnovers than assists, and scored only 23 points in the second half.

However, they saved the bawfulest for last: Eleven seconds after he checked into the game, the Toronto defense let Eddy Curry dunk on them.

Words escape me.

Nyets "fans":  For the second straight home game, the Nyets fans serenaded the opposing team's star with chants of "MVP!" This time, it was Carmelo who was the recipient.

With fans like this, it's no wonder that Williams has already said that he's testing free agency this summer. A summer that will start much earlier for him than many others.

Carmelo Anthony, he's not making it up quote: 
"It was a great Knicks atmosphere out there tonight,"

Gerald Wallace, on being used to feeling like a visitor on his home floor:  "You must have forget I was in Charlotte for seven years. Lord knows I've tried to forget it, but I think it will take years of therapy and electroshock treatments before I can block that out of my mind."

New Jersey Nyets:  On top of their fans' bawfulness, the Nyets had to score the last basket of the first quarter in order to avoid being outscored by Anthony.

Yes, I do have a finger that can bend both of these ways at the same time. Why do you ask?

New Orleans Hornets:  Leading by one at the half, the Hornets took a collective dump on the court in the third quarter, letting Memphis start with a 20-4 run. It didn't get much better, as the Care Bears outscored the Hornets 17-8 the rest of the quarter.

New Orleans committed 24 turnovers for 27 points going the other way and were outscored in the paint 56-34.

Houston Rockets' defense:  Nowitzki dropped 35 points on only 18 shots, but that's ok. He's an MVP. He'll get his. But Vince freakin' Carter? 23 points from half-man, half poopstain? On the same night that Knee-Mac went off (for him) for 17 points? I can understand pulling that 'I felt sorry for him, so I let him drive by me six times' stuff if you were playing against him in the local park, but you're fighting for a playoff spot, Houston!




Invisible chorus line



Devin Harris, lesson learned quote:  "We've got three games at home where we play well," Harris said. "We've put ourselves in a nice position but we've still got to go out and play the games."

Remarkable restraint, Devin.

Can't somebody just give DeMarcus a hug? Anyone?

Stephen Jackson, seeing only half the picture quote:  "Our best player (Duncan) doesn't play and we still win by 20," said Stephen Jackson, one of four reserves who scored in double figures. "It's our preparation, giving every team we face respect, and going out and playing hard."

It's not just your preparation, Cap'n Jack. It's also because you were playing the Kings. On top of that, you were also playing the Kings.

Excremento Kings:  Speaking of the Kings, they held their own for 24 minutes, as they trailed the Spurs by one point going into halftime.

Unfortunately, they were mandated to play 48 minutes, even if they didn't feel like it. Hands stayed away from faces in droves, as the Spurs put up 69 points in the second half on the way to a 25 point victory.

Pau is felled by the Atomic Armpit of Richard Jefferson

Kobe Bryant, model teammate:  "It's been good to see how much the guys have progressed in doing things they ordinarily would not try to do," Bryant said. "Now when I'm not out there, you have to do other things. You have to experiment with your game, and they had a great deal of success with that and their confidence is at a high level, which is great. What's even greater is that I get to come back, take 32 shots next game, and crush everyone's confidence like it's a squishy bug. I gotta make up for lost time, right?"

Chris' Wednesday Lacktion Report

Bucks-Generals: Jon Brockman earned one board...in 38 seconds for a non-lacktive Mario.
For Washington, Brian Cook fried up a mushroom stew in 32 seconds for a celebratory Mario of his own.

Sixers-Extremely Sad Cavs: Nikola Vucevic earned three boards in 7:58, but also trio'd up on fouls and turnovers each for a 6:3 Voskuhl.

Knicks-Nyets: Johan Petro pilfered perfection from the field (on one
attempt) in 6:41 with two turnovers and a foul for a 3:2 Voskuhl.

Craptors-Heat: Aaron Gray skated away from flawlessness in one field goal try and a board in 13:53 with one lost rock and three fouls for a
4:3 Voskuhl.

Hornets-Grizzlies: Memphis's Hamed Haddadi countered a field goal, two free throws, and three boards with two lost rocks and a foulout in
15:42 for a 8:7 Voskuhl ratio. Josh Selby took a rejection and a brick in just 53 seconds for a +2 and a Mario!

Jazz-Frail Blazers: Utah's Blake Ahearn bricked thricely (twice from the Pioneer Courthouse Square) and also fouled and lost the rock once for a +5 in 318 seconds!

Lakers-Warriors: Jordan Hill jacked up two boards in 2:33 with a brick, rejection, foul and two turnovers for a 3:2 Voskuhl.

Labels: Worst of the Night