This is the picture you see in the dictionary next to the word "tools".

Cleveland Cadavers: Progress, people. Progress. One night after getting blistered by 39 points to the Pissed-Ons, the home team lost by "merely" 16 points. They even had the game tied at 57 before allowing the visitors to go on a 24-2 run that featured four three-pointers from Jrue Holiday.

Milwaukee Bucks: Fighting for their playoff lives, the Bucks laid a monstrous egg, dropping a critical game against the Wizards. Defense, supposedly a strong point of the Deer, was nowhere to be seen, as they allowed the Wizards to shoot over 55% from the game and almost that well from distance. The WIZARDS! Skiles must have been turning over in his grave.

Charlotte Bobraps: They've already wrapped up the league's worst record, so they're not actually tanking, it just looks that way. Extending their losing streak to 18 games in the bawfulest way possible, Charlotte got destroyed by the Bulls on their own home floor, highlighted by this sequence, as detailed from the AP recap:

In the first half Matt Carroll had a breakaway layup but put if off the glass too strong and Byron Mullens, who seemed to be in position for a follow-up dunk, had the ball bounce off his hands and out of bounds for a turnover.

That does sound like the Bobcats we know and love. Getting outrebounded 57-38 also sounds like the Bobcats we know and love.

No caption here. This picture just makes me laugh.

Detroit Pissed-Ons:  One day after beating the Cavaliers by 39, the Pissed-Ons faced an opponent of a different caliber, sort of like the difference between a cap pistol and a Desert Eagle.

To nobody's surprise, Detroit got blown out of the gym, trailing by 37 in the first half and 41 in the fourth quarter before finally, mercifully, losing by 32.

Three point shooting:  Both teams subscribed to the "If at first you don't succeed, keep on chuckin' from distance" philosphy, as the Pistons and Hawks shot 7-for-25 and 8-for-28, respectively, from the three point line.

Hey guys, sometime practice doesn't make perfect.

In the following example, the Hawks are the Desert Eagle. I think you can figure out who represents the Pistons.



Toronto Craptors:  Coming into this game, the Heat have only lost four games at home. Toronto was not going to make it five. They shot 1-for-16 from three, were outrebounded 41-33, had more turnovers than assists, and scored only 23 points in the second half.

However, they saved the bawfulest for last: Eleven seconds after he checked into the game, the Toronto defense let Eddy Curry dunk on them.

Words escape me.

Nyets "fans":  For the second straight home game, the Nyets fans serenaded the opposing team's star with chants of "MVP!" This time, it was Carmelo who was the recipient.

With fans like this, it's no wonder that Williams has already said that he's testing free agency this summer. A summer that will start much earlier for him than many others.

Carmelo Anthony, he's not making it up quote: 
"It was a great Knicks atmosphere out there tonight,"

Gerald Wallace, on being used to feeling like a visitor on his home floor:  "You must have forget I was in Charlotte for seven years. Lord knows I've tried to forget it, but I think it will take years of therapy and electroshock treatments before I can block that out of my mind."

New Jersey Nyets:  On top of their fans' bawfulness, the Nyets had to score the last basket of the first quarter in order to avoid being outscored by Anthony.

Yes, I do have a finger that can bend both of these ways at the same time. Why do you ask?

New Orleans Hornets:  Leading by one at the half, the Hornets took a collective dump on the court in the third quarter, letting Memphis start with a 20-4 run. It didn't get much better, as the Care Bears outscored the Hornets 17-8 the rest of the quarter.

New Orleans committed 24 turnovers for 27 points going the other way and were outscored in the paint 56-34.

Houston Rockets' defense:  Nowitzki dropped 35 points on only 18 shots, but that's ok. He's an MVP. He'll get his. But Vince freakin' Carter? 23 points from half-man, half poopstain? On the same night that Knee-Mac went off (for him) for 17 points? I can understand pulling that 'I felt sorry for him, so I let him drive by me six times' stuff if you were playing against him in the local park, but you're fighting for a playoff spot, Houston!



Invisible chorus line


Devin Harris, lesson learned quote:  "We've got three games at home where we play well," Harris said. "We've put ourselves in a nice position but we've still got to go out and play the games."

Remarkable restraint, Devin.

Can't somebody just give DeMarcus a hug? Anyone?

Stephen Jackson, seeing only half the picture quote:  "Our best player (Duncan) doesn't play and we still win by 20," said Stephen Jackson, one of four reserves who scored in double figures. "It's our preparation, giving every team we face respect, and going out and playing hard."

It's not just your preparation, Cap'n Jack. It's also because you were playing the Kings. On top of that, you were also playing the Kings.

Excremento Kings:  Speaking of the Kings, they held their own for 24 minutes, as they trailed the Spurs by one point going into halftime.

Unfortunately, they were mandated to play 48 minutes, even if they didn't feel like it. Hands stayed away from faces in droves, as the Spurs put up 69 points in the second half on the way to a 25 point victory.

Pau is felled by the Atomic Armpit of Richard Jefferson

Kobe Bryant, model teammate:  "It's been good to see how much the guys have progressed in doing things they ordinarily would not try to do," Bryant said. "Now when I'm not out there, you have to do other things. You have to experiment with your game, and they had a great deal of success with that and their confidence is at a high level, which is great. What's even greater is that I get to come back, take 32 shots next game, and crush everyone's confidence like it's a squishy bug. I gotta make up for lost time, right?"

Chris' Wednesday Lacktion Report

Bucks-Generals: Jon Brockman earned one board...in 38 seconds for a non-lacktive Mario.
For Washington, Brian Cook fried up a mushroom stew in 32 seconds for a celebratory Mario of his own.

Sixers-Extremely Sad Cavs: Nikola Vucevic earned three boards in 7:58, but also trio'd up on fouls and turnovers each for a 6:3 Voskuhl.

Knicks-Nyets: Johan Petro pilfered perfection from the field (on one
attempt) in 6:41 with two turnovers and a foul for a 3:2 Voskuhl.

Craptors-Heat: Aaron Gray skated away from flawlessness in one field goal try and a board in 13:53 with one lost rock and three fouls for a
4:3 Voskuhl.

Hornets-Grizzlies: Memphis's Hamed Haddadi countered a field goal, two free throws, and three boards with two lost rocks and a foulout in
15:42 for a 8:7 Voskuhl ratio. Josh Selby took a rejection and a brick in just 53 seconds for a +2 and a Mario!

Jazz-Frail Blazers: Utah's Blake Ahearn bricked thricely (twice from the Pioneer Courthouse Square) and also fouled and lost the rock once for a +5 in 318 seconds!

Lakers-Warriors: Jordan Hill jacked up two boards in 2:33 with a brick, rejection, foul and two turnovers for a 3:2 Voskuhl.

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19 Comments:
Anonymous JJ said...
Matt, thanks for the post. I guess you and Raza have like a tag team action going on these. Regarding Nyets fans supporting Melo, it might actually be Knicks fans this time. The arena is fairly close to NYC and Nyets ticket prices are cheaper. Either way, it just proves there is no fan base there. Somehow I doubt that Deron Williams ever heard MVP chants.

By the way, some of your quotes are hard to tell if they're fake or not because I can totally picture them saying it. For example, Gerald Wallace. Haha.

Anonymous Lucas said...
I'm highly offended by your mockery of Lionel Hollin's fingers. Where is your sense of decency, sir?

Anonymous Anonymous said...
Gerald Wallace really said that about Charlotte? I remember the guy being super-pissed when he was traded to Portland.

I love this site but sometimes it's hard to know when a quote is real or made up.

Blogger Dan B. said...
"the Toronto defense let Eddy Curry dunk on them.

Words escape me."

Don't worry, I know where your words went. They're in orbit around Eddy Curry's waist.

Blogger Raza said...
Matt, that picture of Pop is amazing.

It's like he's in a musical on broadway or something.

Haha good stuff buddy

Anonymous Anonymous said...
@Dan B.

Ohhhh SNAP !!!

Blogger Matt said...
@JJ

I agree with you that the MVP chants were almost certainly coming from Knicks fans. That doesn't excuse the MVP chants for LeBron that they tossed out two nights earlier, though. What's next, MVP chants for Joe Johnson when the Hawks visit?

As far as the quotes go, they're usually part true and part made up. For example, Gerald Wallace really did say that we must have forgot that he played in Charlotte. The rest of his quote was boring quote-speak, so I filled in the blanks with what I imagine he was really thinking. Ditto for the Kobe quote, although I'm sure that was easier to figure out.

That's probably way more explanation than anyone wanted. You're welcome.

@Dan B
Well played, sir. Well played, indeed.

Blogger Matt said...
Also, I just noticed what the guy's shirt said in the video. It doesn't get any more perfect than that.

Anonymous Czernobog said...
Am I the only one thinking that's a guy who cares more about his guns than his wife?

Blogger Matt said...
Yep. He's probably a guy that cares more about any single one of his guns more than he cares about his wife, much less all of his guns.

Anonymous Barry said...
Are they still doing that documentary-type thing where they follow a team all season long? God, I hope someone put a camera on these Bobcats, it'd be Hall of Fame Bawful stuff. There would be some legendary MJ footage in there, you just know it.

Anonymous Naz said...
They are Barry, unfortunately this season they followed the Nuggets, not the Bobshits.

Blogger LotharBot said...
@Barry: "Are they still doing that documentary-type thing where they follow a team all season long?"


This year it's the Nuggets. You can find it on nba.com/video under nbatv-theAssociation. I'm a bit biased as a Nuggets fan, but I think it's been really good. The team has had some near-elite stretches and some bad stretches, has always had something to play for (they just clinched a playoff spot with maybe 3 games to go), and made some interesting roster moves midseason. I couldn't think of a better team to follow.

Unless you want bawful, in which case the Bobcraps are the obvious winners.

Anonymous Shiv said...
This from ESPN's recap:

"Wade played less than 3 minutes before dislocating his left index finger but avoided serious injury as the Heat lost 86-84 to the woeful Washington Wizards.

A doctor reset Wade's finger, and X-rays were negative.

"I'm not going to cry about it," he said."

Bad choice of words, DWade... :D

Blogger chris said...
Anyone else witness Ron-Ron's epic elbow on Harden?

Anonymous Anonymous said...
Mannnn,Artest totally lost his s**t this time... he had a great game going... bloody sad.... i'd give him a 5 game suspension and fine him 50k at least.

Awesome game atmosphere wise. Horrible offense from both teams at the end. Just Kobe/Durant/Westbrooke jacking up shoots. This time Kobes went in...

Blogger TeamD said...
I would suspend the idiot forever. Look at the joy in his face after he knocks him down.

Anonymous Anonymous said...
There's some serious mid-flight man-love in the invisible chorus line picture.

Anonymous Anonymous said...
I'm not sure how you would expect anything less, most of the real Nets fans left years ago when they gave a big 'F U' to Jersey 5-6 years ago. Not many people are willing to spend money on a team that is guaranteed to be leaving.

And the Prudential Center is very close to New York, it's a cheaper alternative for Knicks fans.

Most of the 'fans' that go to the games now are just NBA fans in general, or fans of a certain player.

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