white mans burden
Hopeless scrub...or helpless victim?

Basketbawful reader Steve recently directed me to a Web site called Caste Football. According to CF's About Us page: "Caste Football's goal is to see that white athletes are respected for their abilities, and that they receive the same opportunities to succeed as non-white athletes." That's a righteously sweet goal, because I've often felt that racist media propaganda -- such as the spurious notion that professional sports require remarkable speed, incredible strength, striking natural ability and a multitude of finely-honed skills -- has unfairly prevented me from winning several Olympic gold medals, achieving All-Star status in the NBA and beating Sonya Thomas in an internationally-recognized chicken wing eating contest.

But make no mistake: I'm not the only victim here. Many current NBA players -- all so white they're nearly translucent -- are being treated unfairly because they suffer from the incurable color of their skin. Some examples (mind you, this article is dated):

Regarding the Atlanta Hawks: "One of the worst teams in the traditionally worst division in the NBA, Atlanta's roster is comprised almost wholly of 'superior' athletes. How is this possible? ZaZa Pachulia is the lone team representative for white folks, and like most white basketball players the Georgian center is a good shooter, rebounder, and passer. So how come he doesn't get more minutes for a team in such dire need?"

About the Chicago Bulls: "They benched their best point guard for a wildly out of control rookie who can't shoot but can jump really high. Of course, that's S.O.P. for the NBA. Kirk Hinrich is arguably the best point guard in the conference, however he was demoted. Then he got injured and is out for the foreseeable future. Argentine small forward Andres Nocioni is incredibly athletic, tough, and skilled. But he's white, so he comes off the bench behind guys he routinely out-plays. 7-foot center Aaron Gray is in his second year with the Bulls, but despite being their best big man has never been truly incorporated into the team's plans. I'm not sure why they even keep the talented rebounder with a soft touch around."

Then there's the black evil in Cleveland: "Aleksander Pavlovic might be the best athlete on the team, but it's blasphemy to say that since 'King' LeBron James is on the roster. Despite being an incredible offensive talent, Pavlovic can't get on the floor. Anderson Varejao looks like Sideshow Bob off the Simpsons cartoon, but the rebounding machine must not be a white man, because he actually gets to play."

Reading CF's NBA analysis was nothing short of stunning, kind of like waking up from a dream in which I'm not awesome, or being magically transported into an alternate reality where the Nazis defeated George Washington in the Korean War of 1812. I mean, who knew that the only thing standing between the Hawks and true greatness was more minutes for Zaza Pachulia? Or that Sasha Pavlovic could beat LeBron James in a jumping contest. My eyes have been opened, and I can't wait to learn more secret truths that govern this strange new world, like that up is really down, C-A-T actually spells dog and eating this delicious, gravy-soaked stick of butter won't cause my heart to explode. Now if you'll excuse me, I'm off to declare my eligibility for the NBA draft...

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Blogger Will said...
Regarding your tag "are these guys for real", god I hope not.

Anonymous Anonymous said...

Besides: thanks for this fine piece of sarcasm for the day.

Anonymous Anonymous said...
By the way, what's the opposite of a certain type of racism? Racism? I don't know why our mental universe only consists of extremely contrary opinions. In every matter.

Blogger spongefrob said...
Time to coin a new term: "Affirmative Lacktion"...

... Somebody tell Wally Szcerbiak that he no longer has to try to be black...

Blogger Cortez said...
"Aleksander Pavlovic might be the best athlete on the team, but it's blasphemy to say that since 'King' LeBron James is on the roster."


This site is a goof. There is no other explanation, none at all.

Kirk Hinrich is pretty good though. At the time, what other point guards were in the east anyway?

Blogger Sturla said...
According to these guys almost every white player in the NBA is a incredible, high flying, glass eating, tremendously talented, exceptional, elite shooting and supremely gifted superstar-in-waiting who would dominate the league if they weren't held down by the (black?) man.

Sheize. Pick any 12 of those guys and you got a guaranteed 82-0 season and the title.

"Adam Morrison was an unstoppable scoring force in college, but a season-ending knee injury last season and apparently his white skin the year before have thus far prevented him from becoming a focal point of the team."

Oh, and here I was believing it was because he barely connected on 37% of his shots with the Bobcats.

And I'm white myself by the way.

Blogger Andy said...
This made my day.

This is what happens when rich, white Americans have nothing left to complain about.

Blogger mg said...
"Rookie forward Joe Alexander is possibly THE best athlete in the NBA."

"(JJ Redick) rarely sees the floor despite having possibly the best shot in the league."

"In the offseason, the T-wolves acquired one of the most versatile talents in the league in Mike Miller"

"Young 7-foot center Robert Swift has phenomenal talent."

"For my money, Andris Biedrins is the best rebounder in the NBA."

And my favourite: "Chris Kaman is one of the top three centers in the NBA."

WOW. My eyes are now open at this black-wing conspiracy.

And then of course there's that creepy nazi-KKK aura.

Blogger Shiv said...
A day late and a dollar short maybe, but here's Kobe's greatest hits collection. And Artest is the head case?


...and my kaptcha: wartical

Now THAT needs to be a basketball term.

Anonymous Anonymous said...
You have me in disbelief, sturla. Sheize? Really? Now, get educated and use it as Scheiße. That's how we (zee Germans) write it originally and you should too, to make your comment even more special. (Now, don't ask me how you type the ß in your comments).

Anonymous hellshocked said...
Given that college white players with numbers tend to get drafted way too high in no small part because of the color of their skin in a thinly veiled attempt to find the next Larry Bird, someone who will somehow magically entice the caucassian masses into watching basketball again, that website is just too bizarre. These guys (Keith Van Horn, Adam Morrison, J.J. Reddick) were given every possible opportunity, sometimes at the expense of the team. They just failed to produce.

Does the website, by any chance, mention Dirk Nowitski? Manu Ginobili? Steve Nash? Troy Murphy? David Lee? Hedo Turkoglou? Hell, even Mike Dunleavey Jr.? Or are they the (shitload of) exception(s) that prove the rule?

Anonymous AK Dave said...
"Reading CF's NBA analysis was nothing short of stunning, kind of like waking up from a dream in which I'm not awesome, or being magically transported into an alternate reality where the Nazis defeated George Washington in the Korean War of 1812."

God I love this blog. Sentences like these make me giggle like a japanese schoolgirl (on the INSIDE- on the outside I am stoic and expressionless, like Ivan Drago before he kills Apollo Creed in front of James Brown...)

Headless Chicken- Wo wohnst du denn jetzt? Ich habe ein Paar Jahren in Rostock gewohnt (mit den Ossies) und war neulich wieder mal in deinem Land. Und was haelst du eigentlich von der ganzen "Chris Kaman" sache? Freust du Dich dass er fuer deine Nationalmannschaft spielt?? I can't believe that you would...

Hellshocked- yeah seriously. This is just silly.

Blogger AnacondaHL said...
1). Amazing.

2). This isn't even the first time "White Men" has been used as a BasketBawful tag, lol.

3). Seconding "Affirmative Lacktion".

Anonymous Anonymous said...
Thirding "Affirmative Laction." And I just realized that AK Dave is really a Nazi war criminal hiding out in the busholo in Argentina. I'm sending the Geneva Committee after you now!

Anonymous AK Dave said...

SHHH!!! Zey vill find mee!!! Be quviet!!

I think we should make T-shirts or something that say "Aleksandr Pavlovic is the REAL MVP". Or not. I just think that is fucking COMEDY!!

Hey, speaking of white guys though- Wally Szczczzerbiak dominating on the post-up isolation? Bwa-hahaha!! Atlanta: you're fucked!!

Anonymous Anonymous said...
No, that's a racist site. Check their affiliates.

Blogger Shiv said...
Fourth-ing the "affirmative lacktion" and seconding the "Alexsandr Pavlovic is the REAL MVP" tshirts.

Also, basketball players as musician lookalikes:

Robert Swift as Layne Staley
Devin Brown as Usher
Rodney Stuckey as 50 Cent

Anonymous Anonymous said...
Klink! You are an eeediot!

LeWho? The Proof is in the Pudding!

Anonymous Czernobog said...
Wow. That was... Wow.

Particularly like the bit about the "jail-blazers." No racism here, move along.

I fourth the "affirmative lacktion" motion.

One thing though, has anyone seen the Bucks play this season? I really like what I saw of Joe Alexander in College and was wondering why he wasn't getting any PT.

Blogger DDC said...
"Reading CF's NBA analysis was nothing short of stunning, kind of like waking up from a dream in which I'm not awesome, or being magically transported into an alternate reality where the Nazis defeated George Washington in the Korean War of 1812." - I'm laughing so hard i'm nearly in tears. And Matt, it's not possible for you not to be ever awesome.

Anonymous hellshocked said...
I saw a few Bucks games Czer, and Joe Alexander was just too green to be given much time. He always played hard in the minutes he got but he was clueless on defense and not much better on offense: he didn't know when to pass, when to drive or when to shoot and when he did decide to make an offensive move it was super rushed. People say it takes players a while to get used to the speed of the NBA game and I really think that's Alexander's case. Also, remember Scott Skiles is the kind of coach who favors grind-it-out defense and a methodical and well executed offense, neither of which favor Joe Alexander at this point (he would have fit in more seamlessly in a run-and-gun style team).

There is no reason to label him a bust yet (he was always billed as a project) but there was also no reason for him to be given significant minutes at the expense of Richard Jefferson or his fellow rookie affectionately known around these parts as Jean-Luc Richard.

Anonymous Anonymous said...
This is the best one:

New Orleans Hornets: The New Orleans Hornets have one of the top two PGs in the league in speedy black playmaker Chris Paul. Nash used to be the best for sure and has played like one of the best of all-time. However, now that Nash is aging and Paul has emerged, Nash is only arguably the best.

Blogger chris said...
Hellshocked, how can Joe Alexander be green, when according to Caste, we know what color he is?


As the author of the daily lacktion reports, I absolutely give my full endorsement to "affirmative lacktion." Rack it.

Anonymous Less Inflammatory Name said...
Speaking of ultra white basketball players.....and Germans...


And by the way, who is that Supersonic at the top?

Kudos on this "Reading CF's NBA analysis was nothing short of stunning, kind of like waking up from a dream in which I'm not awesome, or being magically transported into an alternate reality where the Nazis defeated George Washington in the Korean War of 1812."


Anonymous Czernobog said...
It only just occurred to me, these douchebags forgot to mention one of the finest white athletes of our time: Jake "the snake" Voskuhl!

Anonymous hellshocked said...
For a white supremacy site they sure have lax standards. JJ Barea is Puerto Rican. He may be light skinned but he's about as white as I am.

Anonymous Anonymous said...
wow this has to be fake right?

Anonymous jj said...
please take down this post.

don´t support these idiots by linking to their site...

Blogger Unknown said...
I kinda like this site!! Puts ridiculousness and the absurd in perspective..

I am going to file a defammation suit against my black homie for being better looking than me.

Do we have a white Al Sharpton?

Blogger Philip said...
There are a lot of white guys that are "arguably/possibly/without a shadow of a doubt the best shooter in the league."

Alas, none of them are Damon Jones.


These guys need to get their facts straight. Honestly, with gaffes like this, I begin to question their intergrity and depth of research.

Blogger Husk said...
Funny stuff. Enjoyed it a lot, though the hyperbole was...well...exaggerated.

With that said, I do think that lots of it is true. Kirk Hinrich proved his value in the series against the Celtics. However, so did Rose.

From watching a season of Thunder basketball, I do think that Robert Swift could be a very solid center if he ever stayed healthy and got more than 12 minutes a game. Most of the people here in Oklahoma City don't think he's any good because, like the article said, he's slow and doesn't do anything flashy. Whenever he played, though, he was quite productive. I'm hoping he gets a shot somewhere else. It's not likely that the Thunder are going to give him another shot unless it's for close to the league minimum.