The season isn't going as expected for the Lakers

Kobe descended in a boatswain's chair to try to calk the Lakers moving ship with 42 points, but the loss to the Cavaliers left him dangling betwixt the devil and the deep blue sea. Kobe was unsurprisingly bitter in his post-game comments.

I'm gonna rip somebody's penis off. Seriously, I'm about to walk into that locker room, and when I come back I'll have a dick in my hands, and it's not gonna be my own.

OK, he didn't actually say that. But I'm pretty sure he thought it, and from now on I'm planning to report the news based purely on psychic intuition. The actual quotes from this game were pretty amusing themselves. Mike 'Pringles' D'Antoni didn't offer much in the way of an explanation that's gonna placate anxiety-attack-having fans.

We play at a very slow pace and we struggle. Maybe it shifts over to defense. Maybe we're slow. Maybe we can't do it.

Those are actual quotes. Thanks for the pep talk coach. So what you're basically saying, Pringles, is that you have no idea what to do unless you're coaching the 2005 Phoenix Suns? And even then, the future is dim.

Kyrie Irving returned just in time to extend the recent humiliations of the Lakers. Last year's Rookie of the Year dished out 11 assists and scored 28 points, and C.J. Miles joined him with 28 points but left the passing to point guards. Four of Cleveland's starters outdid their season averages by significant margins. So, the Pringles defense is already in full swing, we're just waiting on the offense.

Iverson parallels: There was a moment in this game where Irving got his chance to play some one-on-one with Bryant, the crowd started buzzing, and the stage was set for a generational statement. "It reminded me of when Allen Iverson was going against Jordan", Kyrie said. Uh, you might wanna re-check that footage young fella', because I'm pretty sure it didn't end like this:


Of course, this is the NBA. So players just care about wins, and a moment like this won't be remembered, right? I mean, it's not like getting crossed-over by Iverson that one time nearly two decades ago still haunts Jordan, and has to get publicly referenced at least twice every month.

The Pelicans: The match-up everybody's been waiting for finally went down. The worst of the East met the worst of the West, and when the smoke cleared the Wizards were still standing. They may have only had 77 points, but they also had a victory. Anthony Davis returned and had 3 blocks and 3 steals off the bench, but was unable to halt his team's descent into misery.

The NBA should seriously collect some fines to pay for the therapy bills of anyone who actually watched this game. This was the first NBA game since 2005 where both teams made less than a third of their shots. Leading the way was Jordan Crawford, the de facto point guard for the Wizards, who shot the ball 24 times and handed out 4 assists. It's not exactly a John Stockton type performance, but against the Pelicans it'll do just fine.

Randy Wittman, masochistic quote machine: "I thought I was getting my teeth pulled at the dentist without any Novocaine". And he didn't even have a pretty smile to show for it afterwards.

Taj Gibson fails to engage Griffin in a staring contest

The inconsiderate Bulls: Is this how they treat all their guests? Even though they lost, the Bulls just wouldn't go away, meaning that Chris Paul had to remain in the ballgame. CP3 was clearly miffed afterwards, "I kind of forgot what it was like to play in the 4th quarter". You hear that Bulls? I hope you're happy with yourselves, you forced a professional athlete to play more than 3 quarters.

The Pistons: Things started off great for the Pistons, but they didn't end up that way. After beginning the game 21-4, they spent the rest of it getting beaten 97-73. Lawrence Frank didn't have much to say after the game besides 'pass the whiskey'. Not even a Naughty by Nature performance at half time could set things right in the Palace of Auburn Hills.

The Nyets: Melo wasn't about to let Kobe be the night's top scorer, so he took care of business against the Nets, shifting into (Bachman Turner) overdrive and scoring 45 points. At one point, he went over to Avery Johnson and slapped him around for a solid 6 minutes, but as it was for the rest of the night, none of the Nets players could stop him. Apparently, this has now officially become a rivalry, even though fans of either team have hated each other for years already. Just ask the AP, "now, this Knicks-Nets rivalry is really on." See, the AP said it's really on, so it must be really on.

Nets fans were pretty bummed about this play:



Mmmmm, rivalry.

Stephen Jackson: As the club owner in Purple Rain might say, the kid has been in rare form lately. I apologize in my delay for reporting the hilarious news that Jackson has no regrets about his role in the Malice in the Palace. In fact, he says he enjoyed punching fans in the face. Good for you, Jackson. I guess he thought he was untouchable, since he's a Spur now, and they can take pictures pretending to shoot referees without any consequences.

What Jackson didn't realize, is that he's Stephen Jackson, and the league will eventually find a way to fine him. This time, it was $25,000 for threatening Serge Ibaka over Twitter. Captain Jack and Serge got face to face in their recent game together. El Capitan couldn't confine his aggression to the court and the stands, so he took to the internets to declare, "Next time he run up im goin in his mouth". In my opinion that poorly spelled threat is far to close to "groin in his mouth", but I should probably shut up before Jackson finds this page and enjoys some retribution.
 
Lacktion:

Knicks-Nets: Jerry Stackhouse came within one rebound of a +4 suck differential in 21 minutes and 15 seconds, so technically he shouldn't be here, but c'mon, that's some serious lacktion. I guess he felt he had to pick up the slack with Josh Childress sitting this one out with a DNP-CD.

Cavaliers-Lakers: Boobie Gibson was on his way to a +3 suck differential when he hyper-extended his elbow. Samardo Samuels had no such excuse for his 25 second Mario. 

Wizards-Hornicans: Lance Thomas was unable to get his unsightly +1 suck differential in 6:50 surgically removed from the N.O. box score. 

Nuggets-Pistons: Will Bynum might've registered a +1 suck differential in 2 minutes and 23 seconds for the Pistons, but it was still more than anybody else named Bynum has done this season.