The Bobcats: 



I had to break out Jimmy Cliff for this one. The 2012-13 Bobcats continue to toil for their salvation, but it's to no avail. They've lost their chance to surpass last year's win total with a winning record. Perhaps, once they get the leopard off their back they'll straighten the ship, but for now they're pointed back towards the pointy rocks.

Their own private hell was all but harrowed, when the heat of the flames evaporated an 18 point 4th quarter lead over the Trailblazers. The Cats were castrated by a Luke Babbit three with 22 seconds left. In the post-neutering overtime that ensued, the virile Blazers scored 16 points, undaunted by their opponents agitated hissing.

The trials of Anderson Varejao: The season must already seem endless for everyone's favorite Simpson nemesis, recalling all those years Krusty spent firing him out of cannons, or that time he stepped on a bunch of rakes. His streak of 9 games with over 15 rebounds continues, with all but a pair of those nights having been for naught. This time it was a 10 point loss to the Pistons, but who can say when or where it'll happen next. Probably, anybody with an NBA schedule. At this point a loss for Cleveland and at least 15 boards for Varejao is the safest bet in basketball. We can move on now that I've sufficiently stat-cursed him.

Bonus stat: The 13 shots the Pistons blocked were the most for the club since April 15th, 2007. Jason Maxiell devoured many a baby with 5 rejections. Including this doozy:


It almost brought a tear to my eye, watching that poor patient from the intensive care ward getting so thoroughly gobbled up. But such is the fate of the weak, the unsheltered babe, and the unsuspecting athlete when they face Maxiell the Masticator.

The Bucks: I'm not sure what team it was that beat them, the Hornets or the Pelicans. But whoever it was, it was by 21 points. If it was the Hornets it was a fond farewell to the vespid moniker, but it might have been a grand hello to the new avian handle. Whatever it was, it was an ass-kicking, a truly rare ass-kicking extraordinaire for any NBA team playing in New Orleans. Unless of course that team is playing against New Orleans, but this time it actually wasn't, giving the Hornets Pelicans Fish Beaks their 2nd win in 11 tries.

How does something like this happen? I'm sure Leon Gorszaki would lay the blame right at Ilyasova's two left feet. The infamous fantasy flop's foremost stat was his 3 rebounds. I'm not going to divulge anymore of his line, because I don't want to be responsible for the benders of anybody reading this who drafted Ersan.

A more impartial observer might point to the Broped attempting as many shots as their six most voluminous teammates put together. On the other hand, Monta and Brandon were the only Bucks to score in double digits, but that gets into the eternal conundrum of the chicken and the egg.
   
Austin Rivers: Son of Doc came off the bench and played for over 20 minutes, in which time he accumulated no points. He missed five shots, and the sum total of his positive contributions was equal to his combined fouls and blocked attempts. Of course, it is much easier for a player to get blocked 4 times when Larry Sanders is on the prowl. The former fictitious late night host served up 7 Burgers á la Wilsón.

Larry honed his defensive skills rejecting Hank Kingsley

Horseless beggars: Clippers castoffs Mo Williams and Randy Foye had two nice little potential revenge games going with 39 combined points, but Foye missed on his attempt for 42 and the win. The wistful guard talked about lost opportunities after the game. 

I wish there were three seconds left because I would have been able to get to the basket or line it up and knock it down...But it wasn't meant to be.

Randy Foye then wished he was a little bit taller.

Defense: The Raptors and the Nuggets combined for 223 points, with the home team prevailing by 3 points, one for every 1,760 feet of the arena's altitude. Corey Brewer led the team in scoring, while Iggy was held to 4 points. Normally this might be a problem, but as mentioned the Nuggets were playing the Raptors. Fans watching the game were lucky enough to see JaVale McGee attempt a career-high 16 free throws in an adrenaline pounding 23 minutes and 29 seconds. I'm still glued to my seat. Although, now that I think about it, that might be the symptom of some sort of coma. 

Al Jefferson: With 26 left in the game, Al Jefferson had a chance to tie the game and only one man between him and two points. Unfortunately for him, that man was DeAndre Jordan.
 
 
The greatest #6 of all-time is smiling somewhere. Notice he tips it to a teammate, unlike some Los Angeles centers.

The Warriors: The Orlando Magic continued to be the scourge of California, using an 8 point victory to intensify the long standing animosity between the two historical purveyors of oranges, avocados, Disney theme parks, and coastlines.

Big Baby, 24 points, told Stephen Curry that only dust comes out when you step on a California orange. Steph used his 25 points and 11 assists to retort that you need to be sitting in a bathtub to peel a Florida orange.

There will be blood orange

David Lee argued for the more organic feel of Disneyland with 22 points and 9 rebounds, while Arron Afflalo's 24 points said Disneyworld all day. Jarret Jack boasted of the better waves with 17 points, but J.J. Redick's 22 points, 5 rebounds, and 7 assists were all like, "yeah, if you like wading through seaweed". Jeremy Tyler shouted, "I hope you like hurricanes", from the Warriors bench, causing his Orlando counterpart Ish Smith to yell back, "Have fun in the next earthquake. Try not to slip into the sea or anything".

Lacktion:

Pistons-Cavs: Samardo Samuels missed twice in 3 minutes and 48 seconds for a +2 suck differential.

Hornicans-Bucks: After gutting Bambi and kin, the Hornicans were able to partake in 107 seconds of Darius Miller time. A hiccup in his shooting motion resulted in a +1 suck differential.   

Magic-Warriors: Kent Bazemore was heckled by a flock of Floridians over his 28 second Mario. DeQuan Jones was not offered any Rice-A-Roni in his 112 seconds of nothingness.