|Damn 'Hammer' - it's called deodorant |
|Yabba dabba doo! Hey, that guy looks like Kevin Love|
|DeAndre Jordan is frozen in awe for Lopez's Athleticism|
|Haha Hornets, charade you are|
|Wow, I'm actually worth guarding again |
The Raptors lost by a single point to the
Pistons, wasting the best night Andrea Bargnani has had in recent, or
for that matter distant, memory. In a cruelly ironic twist he was failed
by his guards. DeMar DeRozan had 5 points on 2 of 9 shooting and Kyle
Lowry was only 6 for 17. Judging by the box score and the rest of his
career, he was also most likely also failed by his own defense, as Detroit's
bigs flourished in the defenseless atmosphere. Andre Drummond
made his own luck with 13 boards
and 13 points, while Greg Monroe
Actually, pretty much all of the
non-Rodney Stuckey Pistons flourished. Brandon Knight doubled his
8 shot attempts for 16 points, and Tay played like he had something to
live for again, contributing 16 points, 7 rebounds, and 3 assists on 8
of 11 shooting. I feel crazy typing these words, but on nights like this I can
almost picture the Pistons winning upwards of 20 games this year.
The Long Shot:
You didn't really think that the Pacers
were gonna beat the Spurs, did you? No, of course you didn't. Not on a night
where the Indiana defense transformed Tony Parker into '73 Tiny Archibald (33 points,
10 assists) and '13 Tim Duncan into '03 Tim Duncan (22 points, 17
rebounds). Roy Hibbert failed to impress his Merlin, Tim Duncan
with his 10 points on 5-18 shooting. Both D.J. Augustin and Psycho-T led
the Pacers in a statistical category from the bench, assists and
Anyone who watched the Nets Clippers game:
|Tim uses one of his Merlinian tricks on young George|
I missed Wednesday's
OT game between the Clippers and the Thunders, because I was
wading through a sea of traffic, but I think I would probably take
holiday gridlock at rush hour over watching a 86 to 76 "win" for the Nets.
DeAndre Jordan led the Clippers in field goal attempts, which must mean
that the Clippers have started to tune out head coach Chauncey Billups
and take the advice of locker room cancer Vinny Del Negro.
unsettling for anybody unfortunate enough to be a Clippers fan
, (and I don't mean clipsters
), is the recent cooling of blazing celestial rocket 'Jamal
Crawford'. His hot shooting hit a wall of Triskaidekaphobia, as his 13
shot were only able to buy him 13 points. I suspected this might
happen. Practicing over the summer had turned the inconsistent guard into an unstoppable
force, who could seemingly bale the Clippers out of each and every possession where their offense hit a lull. But has
anybody ever told him about practicing between games? Over the course of
the season the effects of that diligent summer will eventually be worn away. That is, unless
someone is able to communicate to him this important, radical technique that
basketball players have been known to use experimentally.
|Hey, a peanut|
Revenge game alert:
A lot of people might agree that Dennis
Rodman was the greatest rebounder of all time, but if I was to tell you
that Reggie Evans is the 2nd greatest rebounder of all time, then you'd
probably think that I've completely lost my mind. I can't say I'd blame you, not with Wilt
and Russell averaging over 20 rebounds a game over their entire careers; Bob
Pettit and Nate Thurmond each averaging over 20 in a season; Jerry Lucas doing that twice; and Moses
Malone existing. But according to statistics such as rebounding percentage
Reggie is not just a legitimate contender but the real deal Holyfield.
Which is why it's not really surprising that the Nutcracker grabbed 12 rebounds in
only 22 minutes against the team who traded him. He also led the team Lenovo-wise
with a +15. It's a damn shame that Reggie can't do anything else with distinction. Well, besides flopping, and grabbing Chris Kaman's nuts
They may have cool glasses, but the Thunder couldn't stop
the old school Celtics from breaking all of their Dubstep Equipment as they watched on in
horror. Rondo guarded his smart phone closely, while continuing to earn
the respect of his elders with a 16 assist night. It's getting to the
point where that doesn't even feel that notable anymore.
Sam Presti's Cat:
big K fell off the K-mart sign on a dilapidated, closed down location. Martin had 1 steal and 3 points, and that was the best part about his
evening. Unless shooting 50% from the line is better, but before you get
too excited, keep in mind he only shot 2 free throws. His 3 turnovers
matched those 3 points as his biggest numbers on the stat sheet. In all, he was
1 free throw, 1 field goal, and 1 steal away from a +16 suck
differential in 31 minutes and 42 seconds.
Re-return of the Knick D' Lin Style:
|The situation has escalated|
It's not often a team can
score over 100 points and still lose by almost 30, but the Knicks did just that Friday. You see what happens when Sheed takes a night off? Lin re-united with
his old team in his new habitat, and the result was some good old fashion
Knick D'-fence, like in the D'Antoni salad days of yore. Wanna guess the
last time a Knick opponent scored more points than those 131 last night? Give up? Fine, I'll tell
you. It was the year that Kennedy got shot. Don't believe me? Look it
Actually, don't look it up. I'm lying. It was really the 141 points they gave up to the 6ers on Halloween Night, 2009
. And yes, it occurred under the watchful dilated eyes of Mike D'Antoni. Now, it's Mike Woodson who's forced to watch in dread, and in his case, wretched sobriety (unless you count cat tranquilizers). Leading the way in
the trouncing of Lin's old boyfriend, was his current courtly harem of studly
lover boys; the bearded one—James Hardon had a magnum night with 33
points on 15 shots, and Chandler 'don't tell father' Parsons was
resplendent in his faux-hawk-itude with 31. On a night where Sam
Presti's cat was already in for it, Harden had the same amount of
turnovers as his replacement, Kevin Martin, but added 9 assists and 4 rebounds to the equation.
Plus a steal, a block...you get the idea.
|The Knick D' was so bad, it turned J.R. into a 67 year old Cuban man|
Despite who might be on each payroll,
there was little mystery who the best team on the floor was when the
lunch-bucket Griz cut through the glitz and went for the guts. Wilting in the shadow of Wilt, was Dwight, who shot 2 for 7, with
more turnovers, 5, than rebounds 3. With his 5 personal fouls and only 7
points, Pumaman came dangerously close to a Voskuhl.
Always considerate, Pau Gasol made his teammate look
good with 6 points on 8 attempts, but at least the Spaniard had more rebounds than turnovers, albeit barely. Yet, that wasn't enough to keep him
off the bench for the entire 4th quarter. The Grizzlies starters all scored in double digits, which struck Kobe as an obvious personal insult and caused him to respond with his best 'Elvis has left the building'
Looks like the Cats from Carolina are gonna
have to wait a little longer to match last season's win total. This
loss to the Hawks wasn't too bad, so I'm gonna give the team a rating of 'housecat' on the Cat-O'Meter. For once, the Hawks
seemed to have found a rational pecking order for their shooting; Al
Horford led the way and said 'hey remember me' with 26 points and 13
rebounds, with Josh Smith and Jeff Teague both taking about a dozen. My one
complaint is that a rare 50% shooting night from Sweet Lou was not taken
advantage of with only 6 attempts. But a win's a win, especially when Tweety can get one over on Sylvester.
|You know you're not getting the call, right Lundgren?|
Minnesota lost its 4th straight, continuing to prove that they can lose with or without their star player. I'd imagine it helps to not give up a career high 28 points to Damian Lillard, or a season high 30 points to Wes Matthews. The Pups were only kept in the game by Love and Pekovic grabbing 23 rebounds, as their opponent shot 54% to their 41%.
The Utah Jazz played Jamaal Tinsley over
30 minutes, proving once again to the world that a twisted Mo Williams
ankle is all it takes. Still, the Kings are the ones who lost here. That's the important
part, because a team playing Jamaal Tinsley over 30 minutes has
problems, but a team that loses to a team that's busy giving big minutes to the Silver Bullet might as well write the league and asked to be
re-assigned to another country, or perhaps to be merged with the Tulsa 66ers.
Al Jefferson and Tyreke Evans provided dueling 19's. For the Kings, Aaron Brooks is starting to thaw with 17 points, and Marcus Thornton contributed 18 points in 20 minutes. However, it was Gordon Hayward, the game's high scorer with 23 bench points, who decided to put everyone involved out of their misery with a 3 pointer.
|Euthanasia, it's not just a group of teenagers in Singapore |
Magic-Cavaliers: C.J. Miles wound up with a +2 suck differential in his abbreviated 2 minutes and 46 seconds. Samardo Samuels missed two free throws for another +2 suck differential, this one in three more seconds. Gustavo Ayon was tall enough for a 6:4 Voskuhl in 15 minutes.
Nuggets-Warriors: Kent Bazemore used his 40 seconds to throw up a brick for a Mario and a +1 suck differential. Jeremy Tyler took the less is more approach, ending up with a plain ol' Mario in the same time frame.
Rockets-Knicks: James White had 2 of his 4 attempts blocked for a +6 suck differential in 8:39.
Suns-Hornets: +8 suck differential having Brian Roberts, the Party-starter, proved to his Hornet teammates, anything is possible when you put your ability to suck to it. Jason Smith took heed and grabbed a rebound during his 32 second Mario. Unfortunately for him, he also received a corneal abrasion. That might be a record injury to playing time ratio. It's as if he ran
directly off the bench and into the defender's finger with his eye.
Spurs-Pacers: Boris Diaw stopped joking with Tony Parker in French long enough for a 6:4 Voskuhl.
Sabbath Bloody Sabbath Saturday:
: The Hawks treated the visiting Clippers like they treated the Bobcats, with a 10 point victory and little hospitality. Jamal Crawford's hot hand continued to surrender to entropy, having scored 13 points the night before, he scored 12 against the dirty birdies. 4 of those dozen points came on Crawford's 33rd career 4 point play. He was already the all-time champion in this statistic, but now he is the extra-champion.
After Saturday, Jordan's favorite draft pick, Kwame Brown, can no longer write 'NBA Starter' under 'current job' on his application to work at HDOS Enterprises
Philadelphia opted to go with the "I'm only 6'9" approach to the center position, starting Lavoy Allen. Perhaps they figured, if starting a 6'9 guy at center worked for
the '80 Lakers in Game 6 of
the Finals against
us, maybe it can work against
the '13 Thunder for
Sam Presti's Cat Pt. 2:
We last left the kitty at gunpoint, and I don't imagine things got any better after Kevin Martin, 2 of 9, scored 6 points against the 76ers. I'm not gonna give K-Mart a WoTN, because he was so amusingly self deferential about it; quipping, "I left my offense in Oklahoma City". The Thunder split their road trip, even though Thad Young put his big boy pants on
and walked around in them, for 29 points and 15 rebounds. Alas, it was not enough to get the 76ers over the 'not having Kevin Durant' hump.
The Wizards, of course:
Games don't come much more symbolic than this one. The '13 Bobcats matched last year's win total, becoming the fastest team to ever do that, presumably. Here we have the pairing of the faithful and prodigal sons of NBA basement dwelling. While the Bobcats have journeyed towards success, the Wizards have worked extra hard to maintain their father's 'basketball ineptitude' farm.
When they met on Saturday night, Cane (the Bobcats) slew Abel (the lost tribe of Unseld), while Moses (Kemba Walker) wandered in the desert for 40 years (shot 3 for 17), before reaching the land of Canaan (a two point victory in a double overtime game). Several other, increasingly mixed, biblical metaphors occurred, including the heralding of the coming Messiah (a possible win) by the return of John the Baptist (Nene). The night's Cat-O'meter rating was Cat Stevens
Since moving to Miami, Lebron James has found many variations on his humiliate the Cavaliers routine. His first one was the most obvious, simply playing his best game of the season. Over time he's learned to adapt and disguise his passion for punishing a defunct franchise. Last night he opted for the old cat and mouse routine. After trailing the entire game, Miami spent the 4th quarter sneaking up on their late night snack, culminating in the neck-snapping pounce with mere seconds left. James surveyed the floor with the clock ticking down and saw his target, correctly surmising that a 3 from Ray Allen would inflict the optimum amount of pain.
|Hmmm. What's gonna hurt the most? |
After the game, King James, sitting on a throne of blood, said this to reporters before having them killed by lackeys.
It was just nice to get a win. Both teams played hard. Hahahaha, I always wanted to say that. Not really, we didn't even break a sweat. I love punishing those pathetic slobs who used to pay to watch me. Correction, still pay to watch me. OK, I have things to do. I hope you all enjoy being fed to giant crocodiles.
Maybe if Kyrie Irving had been around, the Heat would have been forced to engage in an actual game, instead of this elaborate spectacle of humiliation.
There was one other way the Cavs could have won, but Byron Scott, shockingly, fucked it up. How was Byron supposed to comprehend that Omri Casspi, a direct descendant of Abraham, had unknowingly been blessed before the game by a secret tribe of nomadic Kabbalah priests? The Mystics knew of the plans of King James, and wanted to keep him from crushing the hopes of the Cleveland faithful. This is why Omri scored 15 points in 15 minutes on only 6 shots. On this night, and only this one nights, Omri had been destined for 50 points on 20 shots in a blowout victory for the forces of good. But, like I said, Byron Scott fucked it up. Shockingly.
Any of the Mavericks who might've had family watching:
The Mavericks set
out to prove what should have been obvious in the bizarro world of the
Mayan Apocalypse Lakers. The Lakers are indestructible when Metta
leads the team in scoring. If he wants to, Kobe can score the same
amount of points as Metta, but no more. And only Metta gets to shoot 5
of 7 from three. I must confess, when I heard D'Antoni saying that Metta
shooting more from deep was a good idea, I thought it was the Vicodin
talking. It likely still is, but the pain-killers might have a point.
: The Bucks were able to break Ilyasova out of jail,
but he clearly hadn't learned his lesson as he proceeded to underwhelm
with 6 point and 6 rebounds in 29 minutes and 46 seconds. Meanwhile, in
33 less seconds comedian Larry Sanders shook off being a 62 year old
fictional entertainer for 8 rebounds, 8 points, 2 steals, and 4 blocks. It's only a
matter of time before the Bucks start openly preferring Gary Shandling.
One sentence ran through my mind when I saw who Utah's top
performer was. Are you fucking kidding me? But it was no joke, the
Silver Bullet worked his night moves to perfection with 14 points and 7
assists. If this doesn't sound impressive, keep in mind that he's Jamaal
The Utah Jazz:
|How to break a curse, shoot against Tinsley|
Of course, the Utah Jazz lost to
the Sacramento Kings. Seriously though, their top performer was Jamaal
Tinsley, what the flying fuck do they expect to happen. If they were
playing the Wizard, they probably still would have lost. If they were
playing the Heat it might have been by 40. As it was, the Jazz hand built
Tyreke Evans a time machine to go back to his rookie year, and he
captured and brought back a real live 27 point, 5 assist, 5 rebound
performance. Also joining him for the trip to the mysterious world of
2009-10, was teammate Jason Thompson who shot 50% while enjoying a 16
point, 9 rebound outing. I've mentioned before that 2009-10 was Aaron
Brooks's best season, before he got drawn into the curse of the Kings, so
it's fitting that Brooks would score 21 points too.
In trying to figure
out how Sacramento was able to momentarily escape their accursedness, I
noticed a detail that might be helpful to unraveling the sinister nature
of the afflicting hex. Isaiah Thomas received only 7 minutes of playing
time, despite being recently groomed as the team's starting point
How could I have not seen it? It seems so clear now that the Zeke
child would be mixed up in this. Are you really gonna get named after
the prince of darkness on a "bet" with a "friend" and not be some sort of harbinger of
doom. At least for one game, the team threw the accursed kryptonite into a
led box, and they were not persuaded by Lex Luthor to believe that there was an urgent
reason to play Pandora and open the lid, as I continue to get my metaphors mixed. Weird
note. They boo Jimmer in Utah. Some people cheer, but I'm at a loss to
what the negativity is about. Did he make some Dennis Rodman style
comment I didn't hear about?
Hawks-Clippers: John Jenkins left no evidence of accomplishing anything in 2:35. Johan Petro threw up 2 bricks for a +2 suck differential in the same amount of time.
Thunder-76ers: Damian Wilkins went 0-2 from deep in 3:59 for a +2 suck differential. While teammate Maalik Wayns had a brick and a turnover in 623 for a +2 suck differential.
Bulls-Bucks: John Henson fouled once in a minute and 18 seconds for a +1 suck differential.
Warriors-Pups: Jeremy Tyler & Ken Bazemore struck again with 20 second Marios.
|Mona Lisa's smile has nothing on these faces.|
: The suddenly mortal Knicks wanted to prove beyond the shadow
of a doubt that they don't belong in the same conversation as the
Pistons, let alone the same building. And that's just what they did in this
classic 'behind the woodshed' 21-point ass-whuppin'. After the game Mike
Woodson received several distressed calls from PETA, who had been hearing
reports of the Knicks abusing a pack of mangy stray dogs on
TV, but Woodson was able to convince them it had only been a group of
professional basketball players visiting from Detroit.
Knicks did all this despite 37 points on 20 combined attempts by Knight and Singler, and Charlie Villanueva's 19 minute emergence from the crypt
to score 17 points. The Pistons did score 100 points as a team, so most of their crimes against humanity occurred on the defensive end. Tyson Chandler scored 13 points on only 4 shot attempts, showing why his offensive rating is always so high. Melo poured in 29 points on only 18 attempts; and Steve Novak, J.R. Smith, and Rasheed Wallace combined for 48 points off the bench. The Knicks never looked back.
Both the Spurs and the Raptors:
|Close Andrea, but you actually made 2 shots|
amazing to me that this game had to go into overtime, in order for the
Spurs to 'win' it. Jonas Valanciunas and Ed Davis were the top performers for the Raptors. DeMar DeRozan had a classic 'if i just shoot enough
I'll (almost) get 30' game—29 points on 28 attempts. Normally I wouldn't
recommend this, but DeMar really should have just kept going and tried
to Grinnell his way to a double nickle. It's not like any of Andrea 'Zuckerman'
Bargnani's 19 attempts were a good idea.
I'm gonna skip the hyperbole
and go straight to the facts for this one. His 2 of 19 from the field
was unaided by any free throws, or three pointers, giving him a grand total of 4
points, the lowest possible total for any 2 of 19 performance. By
his own admission this was probably the worst game of his life.
''Today was definitely a very bad night,'' Bargnani said. ''Maybe the worst.''
You can take that maybe away Zuck. His own game log confirms the awful truth. Sunday's debacle gave him a -6.9 gamescore, the worst in his 7 year career. Yet
somehow this game went to overtime. I really don't understand it.
Aldridge doesn't play, and Nicolas Batum isn't doing his international Scottie Pippen impression—the Portland Trailblazers can be a pretty hard
team to get a loss against; so the Nets saw fit to beat them by 13 points, deftly
sidestepping that open manhole. Wes Matthews 'led' the way with 20
points on 18 attempts. The best game for Portland was probably played by
J.J. Hickson who went 8 of 11 for 19 points, and added 10 rebounds.
Games like this really make me wonder what would happen if volume
shooting guards would have a change of heart and start feeding the big
guy shooting over 70%. Would Hickson eventually have scored upwards of
30 points on a similar percentage and brought the Blazers to within a
shot of their opponent? One thing's for sure, this box score doesn't have
I'll say this for undrafted Wes, he showed Mikhail Prokhorov, that on any given night, he's
capable of the same production as Joe Johnson, whose check from the Russian billionaire this year was 13 million dollars more appreciative. Here's
the nightly comparison, Joe shot 1 more time for 1 more point; Wes stole
the ball twice more while turning the ball over one less time, and Joe had an extra assist but 2 fewer rebounds. Prokhorov, for his part, was too rich to care.
The lingering D' of the Suns:
D'Antoni not having coached a game there in over 4 years, Phoenix still remains a
place for opposing players to play the best basketball of their life.
Jrue Holiday gave the Philly front office a rare reason to be happy they had just extended a contract, with 33 points and 13 assists. It's what I'm
told the kids on the street call a '73 Archibald, or in some
neighborhoods a 'frogfurter'.
I'm not quite sure what that last one's
about, but for those of you who don't know, Tiny Archibald remains the
only player in history to lead the NBA in scoring and assists. He did it
by averaging 34 points and over 11 assists per game for the '73 Kansas City-Omaha Kings. Showing
they were cursed even then, the team, in their first year as 'The Kings', only won 36 games that season. This was accomplished with the Houdini of the Hardwood, Bob Cousy, looking on from the bench
aghast. So besides his essentially inventing the modern position of the
point guard, it was under Houdini's stewardship that the world saw
perhaps the most impressive statistical accomplishment for the
position. We can only imagine what either Tiny or Cousy would have done
to Sunday's Suns.
Both the Celtics and the Magic:
|Headpalm: When a facepalm just won't cut it|
To their credit, the Celtics did not get blown out by 20 points like they did against Detroit. Instead, they just allowed the Magic to score 100 points, and only won by 6. Rajon Rondo was making out with a triple-double (15 points, 16 assists, and 9 rebounds) in her bedroom, but right as he was going for the panties—her grandma came home from church, and he had to narrowly escape through the window. The game probably wouldn't have been so close, but Jason Terry was busy making Celtics fans miss Ray Allen with his 5 points in 27 minutes. Overall, it wasn't the kind of night that was gonna strike fear into the hearts' of any division leaders out New York way.
The Bleeding Bees from the Big-easy felt it was necessary to prove once again that they play like ass without Anthony Davis. This was their 7th loss in a row, and it wasn't pretty. The Nuggets beat up on them by 18 points, with Kenneth Faried connecting on 7 of his 8 flying kicks to the shining dome of Monty Williams. Coach Williams simply walked-off the several concussions he sustained, because as we all know—concussions are for babies
. Brian Roberts contributed the best stat line for the Hornets: 17 points on 7-12 shooting, 5 assists, 0 turnovers. Now do me a favor. Close your eyes and try to picture Brian Roberts. See what I'm getting at?
|A visual summarization of the game|
Knicks-Pistons: Kim English showed that anything is possible by getting 1 of his 2 misses blocked in 4 minutes and 2 seconds for a +3 suck differential.
Nets-Blazers: Luke Babbit didn't take a stab at it in 2 minutes and 38 seconds resulting in a 2 trillion and change. Josh 'just Josh' Childress drifted about like a newspaper page in the wind, and all the inky numbers added up to 1 trillion.
6ers-Suns: Arnette Moultrie shot twice in 7:09 with his +2 suck differential telling you all you need to know. Damien Wilkins stole the ball during a 25 second Mario. Doug Collins might've wanted to let him get a little burn, seeing he was on pace to steal the ball over 70 times in 36 minutes.