Revenge game alert: A lot of people might agree that Dennis Rodman was the greatest rebounder of all time, but if I was to tell you that Reggie Evans is the 2nd greatest rebounder of all time, then you'd probably think that I've completely lost my mind. I can't say I'd blame you, not with Wilt and Russell averaging over 20 rebounds a game over their entire careers; Bob Pettit and Nate Thurmond each averaging over 20 in a season; Jerry Lucas doing that twice; and Moses Malone existing. But according to statistics such as rebounding percentage, Reggie is not just a legitimate contender but the real deal Holyfield. Which is why it's not really surprising that the Nutcracker grabbed 12 rebounds in only 22 minutes against the team who traded him. He also led the team Lenovo-wise with a +15. It's a damn shame that Reggie can't do anything else with distinction. Well, besides flopping, and grabbing Chris Kaman's nuts. 

Sabbath Bloody Sabbath Saturday:
 


The Clippers: The Hawks treated the visiting Clippers like they treated the Bobcats, with a 10 point victory and little hospitality. Jamal Crawford's hot hand continued to surrender to entropy, having scored 13 points the night before, he scored 12 against the dirty birdies. 4 of those dozen points came on Crawford's 33rd career 4 point play. He was already the all-time champion in this statistic, but now he is the extra-champion.

Kwame Brown: After Saturday, Jordan's favorite draft pick, Kwame Brown, can no longer write 'NBA Starter' under 'current job' on his application to work at HDOS Enterprises. Philadelphia opted to go with the "I'm only 6'9" approach to the center position, starting Lavoy Allen. Perhaps they figured, if starting a 6'9 guy at center worked for the '80 Lakers in Game 6 of the Finals against us, maybe it can work against the '13 Thunder for us.

It didn't.

Sam Presti's Cat Pt. 2: We last left the kitty at gunpoint, and I don't imagine things got any better after Kevin Martin, 2 of 9, scored 6 points against the 76ers. I'm not gonna give K-Mart a WoTN, because he was so amusingly self deferential about it; quipping, "I left my offense in Oklahoma City". The Thunder split their road trip, even though Thad Young put his big boy pants on and walked around in them, for 29 points and 15 rebounds. Alas, it was not enough to get the 76ers over the 'not having Kevin Durant' hump.

Mantis Style

The Wizards, of course: Games don't come much more symbolic than this one. The '13 Bobcats matched last year's win total, becoming the fastest team to ever do that, presumably. Here we have the pairing of the faithful and prodigal sons of NBA basement dwelling. While the Bobcats have journeyed towards success, the Wizards have worked extra hard to maintain their father's 'basketball ineptitude' farm.

When they met on Saturday night, Cane (the Bobcats) slew Abel (the lost tribe of Unseld), while Moses (Kemba Walker) wandered in the desert for 40 years (shot 3 for 17), before reaching the land of Canaan (a two point victory in a double overtime game). Several other, increasingly mixed, biblical metaphors occurred, including the heralding of the coming Messiah (a possible win) by the return of John the Baptist (Nene). The night's Cat-O'meter rating was Cat Stevens. 

The Mouse: Since moving to Miami, Lebron James has found many variations on his humiliate the Cavaliers routine. His first one was the most obvious, simply playing his best game of the season. Over time he's learned to adapt and disguise his passion for punishing a defunct franchise. Last night he opted for the old cat and mouse routine. After trailing the entire game, Miami spent the 4th quarter sneaking up on their late night snack, culminating in the neck-snapping pounce with mere seconds left. James surveyed the floor with the clock ticking down and saw his target, correctly surmising that a 3 from Ray Allen would inflict the optimum amount of pain.

Hmmm. What's gonna hurt the most?

After the game, King James, sitting on a throne of blood, said this to reporters before having them killed by lackeys.

It was just nice to get a win. Both teams played hard. Hahahaha, I always wanted to say that. Not really, we didn't even break a sweat. I love punishing those pathetic slobs who used to pay to watch me. Correction, still pay to watch me. OK, I have things to do. I hope you all enjoy being fed to   giant crocodiles.

Maybe if Kyrie Irving had been around, the Heat would have been forced to engage in an actual game, instead of this elaborate spectacle of humiliation.

Byron Scott: There was one other way the Cavs could have won, but Byron Scott, shockingly, fucked it up. How was Byron supposed to comprehend that Omri Casspi, a direct descendant of Abraham, had unknowingly been blessed before the game by a secret tribe of nomadic Kabbalah priests? The Mystics knew of the plans of King James, and wanted to keep him from crushing the hopes of the Cleveland faithful. This is why Omri scored 15 points in 15 minutes on only 6 shots. On this night, and only this one nights, Omri had been destined for 50 points on 20 shots in a blowout victory for the forces of good. But, like I said, Byron Scott fucked it up. Shockingly.
 
Any of the Mavericks who might've had family watching: The Mavericks set out to prove what should have been obvious in the bizarro world of the Mayan Apocalypse Lakers. The Lakers are indestructible when Metta leads the team in scoring. If he wants to, Kobe can score the same amount of points as Metta, but no more. And only Metta gets to shoot 5 of 7 from three. I must confess, when I heard D'Antoni saying that Metta shooting more from deep was a good idea, I thought it was the Vicodin talking. It likely still is, but the pain-killers might have a point.  

Ersan Ilyasova: The Bucks were able to break Ilyasova out of jail, but he clearly hadn't learned his lesson as he proceeded to underwhelm with 6 point and 6 rebounds in 29 minutes and 46 seconds. Meanwhile, in 33 less seconds comedian Larry Sanders shook off being a 62 year old fictional entertainer for 8 rebounds, 8 points, 2 steals, and 4 blocks. It's only a matter of time before the Bucks start openly preferring Gary Shandling.

Sanity: One sentence ran through my mind when I saw who Utah's top performer was. Are you fucking kidding me? But it was no joke, the Silver Bullet worked his night moves to perfection with 14 points and 7 assists. If this doesn't sound impressive, keep in mind that he's Jamaal Tinsley.

How to break a curse, shoot against Tinsley

The Utah Jazz: Of course, the Utah Jazz lost to the Sacramento Kings. Seriously though, their top performer was Jamaal Tinsley, what the flying fuck do they expect to happen. If they were playing the Wizard, they probably still would have lost. If they were playing the Heat it might have been by 40. As it was, the Jazz hand built Tyreke Evans a time machine to go back to his rookie year, and he captured and brought back a real live 27 point, 5 assist, 5 rebound performance. Also joining him for the trip to the mysterious world of 2009-10, was teammate Jason Thompson who shot 50% while enjoying a 16 point, 9 rebound outing. I've mentioned before that 2009-10 was Aaron Brooks's best season, before he got drawn into the curse of the Kings, so it's fitting that Brooks would score 21 points too.

In trying to figure out how Sacramento was able to momentarily escape their accursedness, I noticed a detail that might be helpful to unraveling the sinister nature of the afflicting hex. Isaiah Thomas received only 7 minutes of playing time, despite being recently groomed as the team's starting point guard.

How could I have not seen it? It seems so clear now that the Zeke child would be mixed up in this. Are you really gonna get named after the prince of darkness on a "bet" with a "friend" and not be some sort of harbinger of doom. At least for one game, the team threw the accursed kryptonite into a led box, and they were not persuaded by Lex Luthor to believe that there was an urgent reason to play Pandora and open the lid, as I continue to get my metaphors mixed.  Weird note. They boo Jimmer in Utah. Some people cheer, but I'm at a loss to what the negativity is about. Did he make some Dennis Rodman style comment I didn't hear about?

Lacktion:

Hawks-Clippers: John Jenkins left no evidence of accomplishing anything in 2:35. Johan Petro threw up 2 bricks for a +2 suck differential in the same amount of time.

Thunder-76ers: Damian Wilkins went 0-2 from deep in 3:59 for a +2 suck differential. While teammate Maalik Wayns had a brick and a turnover in 623 for a +2 suck differential.

Bulls-Bucks: John Henson fouled once in a minute and 18 seconds for a +1 suck differential.

Warriors-Pups: Jeremy Tyler & Ken Bazemore struck again with 20 second Marios.

Stygian Sunday: 

Mona Lisa's smile has nothing on these faces.

The Pistons: The suddenly mortal Knicks wanted to prove beyond the shadow of a doubt that they don't belong in the same conversation as the Pistons, let alone the same building. And that's just what they did in this classic 'behind the woodshed' 21-point ass-whuppin'. After the game Mike Woodson received several distressed calls from PETA, who had been hearing reports of the Knicks abusing a pack of mangy stray dogs on TV, but Woodson was able to convince them it had only been a group of professional basketball players visiting from Detroit.

The Knicks did all this despite 37 points on 20 combined attempts by Knight and Singler, and Charlie Villanueva's 19 minute emergence from the crypt to score 17 points. The Pistons did score 100 points as a team, so most of their crimes against humanity occurred on the defensive end. Tyson Chandler scored 13 points on only 4 shot attempts, showing why his offensive rating is always so high. Melo poured in 29 points on only 18 attempts; and Steve Novak, J.R. Smith, and Rasheed Wallace combined for 48 points off the bench. The Knicks never looked back.

Close Andrea, but you actually made 2 shots

Both the Spurs and the Raptors: It's amazing to me that this game had to go into overtime, in order for the Spurs to 'win' it. Jonas Valanciunas and Ed Davis were the top performers for the Raptors. DeMar DeRozan had a classic 'if i just shoot enough I'll (almost) get 30' game—29 points on 28 attempts. Normally I wouldn't recommend this, but DeMar really should have just kept going and tried to Grinnell his way to a double nickle. It's not like any of Andrea 'Zuckerman' Bargnani's 19 attempts were a good idea.

I'm gonna skip the hyperbole and go straight to the facts for this one. His 2 of 19 from the field was unaided by any free throws, or three pointers, giving him a grand total of 4 points, the lowest possible total for any 2 of 19 performance. By his own admission this was probably the worst game of his life.

''Today was definitely a very bad night,'' Bargnani said. ''Maybe the worst.''

You can take that maybe away Zuck. His own game log confirms the awful truth. Sunday's debacle gave him a -6.9 gamescore, the worst in his 7 year career. Yet somehow this game went to overtime. I really don't understand it.

Caption this

The Trailblazers: When Aldridge doesn't play, and Nicolas Batum isn't doing his international Scottie Pippen impression—the Portland Trailblazers can be a pretty hard team to get a loss against; so the Nets saw fit to beat them by 13 points, deftly sidestepping that open manhole. Wes Matthews 'led' the way with 20 points on 18 attempts. The best game for Portland was probably played by J.J. Hickson who went 8 of 11 for 19 points, and added 10 rebounds. Games like this really make me wonder what would happen if volume shooting guards would have a change of heart and start feeding the big guy shooting over 70%. Would Hickson eventually have scored upwards of 30 points on a similar percentage and brought the Blazers to within a shot of their opponent? One thing's for sure, this box score doesn't have the answers.

I'll say this for undrafted Wes, he showed Mikhail Prokhorov, that on any given night, he's capable of the same production as Joe Johnson, whose check from the Russian billionaire this year was 13 million dollars more appreciative. Here's the nightly comparison, Joe shot 1 more time for 1 more point; Wes stole the ball twice more while turning the ball over one less time, and Joe had an extra assist but 2 fewer rebounds. Prokhorov, for his part, was too rich to care.

The lingering D' of the Suns: Despite D'Antoni not having coached a game there in over 4 years, Phoenix still remains a place for opposing players to play the best basketball of their life. Jrue Holiday gave the Philly front office a rare reason to be happy they had just extended a contract, with 33 points and 13 assists. It's what I'm told the kids on the street call a '73 Archibald, or in some neighborhoods a 'frogfurter'.

I'm not quite sure what that last one's about, but for those of you who don't know, Tiny Archibald remains the only player in history to lead the NBA in scoring and assists. He did it by averaging 34 points and over 11 assists per game for the '73 Kansas City-Omaha Kings. Showing they were cursed even then, the team, in their first year as 'The Kings', only won 36 games that season. This was accomplished with the Houdini of the Hardwood, Bob Cousy, looking on from the bench aghast. So besides his essentially inventing the modern position of the point guard, it was under Houdini's stewardship that the world saw perhaps the most impressive statistical accomplishment for the position. We can only imagine what either Tiny or Cousy would have done to Sunday's Suns. 

Headpalm: When a facepalm just won't cut it

Both the Celtics and the Magic: To their credit, the Celtics did not get blown out by 20 points like they did against Detroit. Instead, they just allowed the Magic to score 100 points, and only won by 6. Rajon Rondo was making out with a triple-double (15 points, 16 assists, and 9 rebounds) in her bedroom, but right as he was going for the panties—her grandma came home from church, and he had to narrowly escape through the window.  The game probably wouldn't have been so close, but Jason Terry was busy making Celtics fans miss Ray Allen with his 5 points in 27 minutes. Overall, it wasn't the kind of night that was gonna strike fear into the hearts' of any division leaders out New York way.

The Hornets: The Bleeding Bees from the Big-easy felt it was necessary to prove once again that they play like ass without Anthony Davis. This was their 7th loss in a row, and it wasn't pretty. The Nuggets beat up on them by 18 points, with Kenneth Faried connecting on 7 of his 8 flying kicks to the shining dome of Monty Williams. Coach Williams simply walked-off the several concussions he sustained, because as we all know—concussions are for babies.  Brian Roberts contributed the best stat line for the Hornets: 17 points on 7-12 shooting, 5 assists, 0 turnovers. Now do me a favor. Close your eyes and try to picture Brian Roberts. See what I'm getting at?

A visual summarization of the game

Lacktion:

Knicks-Pistons: Kim English showed that anything is possible by getting 1 of his 2 misses blocked in 4 minutes and 2 seconds for a +3 suck differential.

Nets-Blazers: Luke Babbit didn't take a stab at it in 2 minutes and 38 seconds resulting in a 2 trillion and change. Josh 'just Josh' Childress drifted about like a newspaper page in the wind, and all the inky numbers added up to 1 trillion.

6ers-Suns:  Arnette Moultrie shot twice in 7:09 with his +2 suck differential telling you all you need to know. Damien Wilkins stole the ball during a 25 second Mario. Doug Collins might've wanted to let him get a little burn, seeing he was on pace to steal the ball over 70 times in 36 minutes.