Friday:

I think they're having a religious experience

Moments later Jeff Teague was smacked upside the head

I think I can, I think I can...

The Dallas Mavericks: The basketball gods took pity on struggling Indiana, and saw fit to put the recently feeble Dallas Mavericks between them and a win. As a team, Dallas only hit twice from downtown, and shot under 40%.

The Jazz: It was just another day and another loss for the Jazz; the M. Williams combo did their respective things—shooting inefficiently for the guard, and disappearing into the shrinking ink of his box scores for the forward. They lost to the 6ers who played Kwame Brown over 20 minutes. 

The Pistons: In an effort to snuff out any potentially contagious feelings of hope that might've been generated by their first win, the Pistons saw fit to lose as quickly as possible to the Magic. Jameer Nelson returned after a 2 week absence, adding credence to the theory that the Orlando Magic do play better when they've suited up at least one legitimate NBA starter. 
 

Stiemsma might want to cover his face

The crowded Minnesota veterinarian's office: Minnesota started Malcolm Lee and Luke Ridnour as guards and Greg Stiemsma at center. Pretty soon, Rick Adelman is going to be scouring local children's hospitals for replacements.

The Hornets: With this loss, the Hornets brought the Thunder's record up to 2 and 3 when Russell Westbrook takes more shot attempts than he scores points. The Hornets' defense on Kevin Martin, 27 points, bought Sam Presti's cat a day's respite. Anthony Davis, 8 points, tried cheering up Austin Rivers, 9 points, by not outscoring him, but the friendly act backfired terribly with a 15 point loss.

The death of a dream: So that's it; the Knicks aren't going undefeated and you'll probably never own a flying car. The tooth fairy isn't real either. Zach Randolph, 20 points and 15 rebounds, continued to prove how much he hates it when the Knicks win.  

 

The Knicks may have lost, but Melo won his funny face match-up

The Kings: The Kings still need an exorcist, and fast, judging by their 16 point loss to a Hawk team that featured Kyle Korver as its top-scorer. Tyreke Evans, whose 11 field goal attempts were the same number that teammate DeMarcus Cousins missed, missed out on a triple-double by only 9 assists and 10 rebounds. 

Lacktion:

76ers-Jazz: Royal Ivey looked flushed in his nearly 7 minutes of play, ending up with a +4 suck differential, while fellow 6er Dorell Wright did slightly more damage in slightly less time for a +5.

Pacers-Mavs: Miles Plumlee plumbed the depths of his 2 minutes and 21 seconds for the Pacers and surfaced with a +1 suck differential.

Lakers-Suns: Darius Johnson-Odom, 0 for 2 with 2 rebounds, was busy in his would-be 48 second Mario, while his Laker teammate Robert Sacre also raged against uselessness with a block and a personal foul in the same time period. Earl Clark completed this trio of oddly productive 48 second appearances for the Lakers with one rebound. Meanwhile, Kendall Marshall found his way to a nice traditional +1 suck differential in nearly 3 minutes with the Suns. 

Saturday: 

Calm down, I didn't know she was your sister

Bosh loses the ball mid-hot flash/flute recital

The Phoenix Suns: The Heat proved what never needed proving on Saturday; namely, having Markieff Morris lead a team in scoring is not going to get them past the defending champions. 

The Toronto Raptors: The 107 points the victorious Celtics scored on them was only 0.5 points shy of the amount of points teams usually score on them this year. Unfortunately, the 89 points the Raptors scored is more than a dozen points below their season average. Rajon Rondo, 20 assists, showed what can happen when a great passer meets a terrible defense.

The Cleveland Cavaliers: The Mavericks may have been struggling to find their footing lately, but it was nothing that a trip to Cleveland couldn't fix. Kyrie Irving scored 26 points, but he also had zero assists; although, this probably should be blamed on Anderson Varejao, Dion Waiters, and Alonzo Gee missing a combined 31 shots. More importantly for the Cavs, Kyrie is expected to miss a month after breaking a finger in this game, so his teammates are going to have to learn to miss on their own. 

Carter and Zeller audition for a broke down ballet

The Charlotte Bobcats: After defeating the Knicks, the Grizzlies stopped to break the bones of the Bobcats in their mighty jaws, depriving them of their precious winning record. Can no one stop this awesome superpower?

The Nuggets: Oh, those polite youngsters from Denver, they try so hard to be nice. Although, somebody should tell them respecting your elders is one thing but letting them score 126 points on you is quite another. The Spurs were over 50% from the field and from downtown, going 16 for 27 from the latter range. The Nuggets lost by 26, and afterwards Andre Miller refused to buy any beer for his teammates. 

Why does it look like Ginobli is getting the better of McGee?

The Hornets: Even a phenomenal performance from Anthony Davis, 28 points and 11 rebounds, couldn't stop the victorious path emblazoned by the scorching tires of a well balanced Broped. When Monta Ellis and Brandon Jennings both record the identical box score of 9 dimes and 22 points on 8 for 16 shooting, well, the rest of the world better watch its collective ass.

The Chicago Bulls: When Carlos Boozer reaches the 20-10 plateau comfortably, and the rest of the team scores 80 points, then you know something terrible has gone wrong with the rest of the team. And by terrible, I mean Deng, Noah, and Hinrich going 5 for 27, and even that was only because Deng hit 5 shots.

Lacktion:

Celtics-Raptors: At a lengthy 7 feet, Jonas Valanciunus was clearly tall enough to get on the 8:5 Voskuhl ride for the Raptors.

Mavs-Cavs: Jae Crowder was all alone with a +2 suck differential for the Mavs.

Clippers-Bulls: Marquis Teague tortured the Bulls sadistically with a 2 trillion.

Heat-Suns: Joel Anthony gave the Heatles his Pete Best for a 3 trillion.