Orlando Magic, you've been sheeded on

The Magic: They had George Foreman, the Knicks, staggered on the ropes, but then they remembered E'twaun Moore was leading the team in minutes and found themselves on the wrong end of a knockout punch, staring up at the ceiling fan.

Both the Raptors-74 and the Pacers-72: There's nothing like a game where the winning team sets a franchise low for points in a quarter. The team was the Toronto Raptors. The quarterthe the 4th. The number of points5.  The team they defeatedthe Indiana Pacers.

Jose Calderon had his 1st career triple-double with 13 point, 10 rebounds, and 10 assists. Since Calderon made his Raptor debut in 2005, Ben Uzoh is the only other player to record a triple double, which he did last April. Even in victory the Raptors somehow find defeat.

The Wizards: Kemba Walker & his Merry Band of Pussies showed the Wizards that the times they are a' changing, and the second to last one will later be last, or something to that effect. The young Wizard backcourt of A.J. Price and Bradley Beal still has to work on that whole not shooting 3 for 23 thing.

I'm not sure if Ramon Session's 21 points are an indication of Washington's poor defense, or a sign of his melancholy lifting as the Cats improve. I'm gonna go with a bit of both. Maybe he's just happy he knows who his coach is gonna be from day to day. Say what you will about Mike Dunlap, as so many have before, but at least he's there.

Cleveland small forwards: Playing Orlando all weekend has giving Brooklyn a taste for blood, and not even a career night by Varejao, 16-21, 35 points, 18 rebounds, could keep the Nets from sinking their teeth into the Cavaliers' arteries. Kyrie Irving was also monstrous with 34 points and 8 dimes.

The real face of the franchise

You'd think it'd be one of those two who played the most minutes for Cleveland, but you'd be wrong. Alonzo Gee held that distinction. Of course, that's probably unrelated to why the Cavs lost and wasted two huge performances. Don't expect a drop in Gee's minutes anytime soon, either. His being in the game plays the important role of keeping Luke Walton on the bench. Walton spoiled a +3 suck differential by registering a steal in the 6 minutes he escaped the pine.

Jerry Stackhouse zombie alert: In what is becoming an increasingly alarming issue for the league, the zombified corpse of Jerry Stackhouse was observed wandering around Brooklyn for almost 15 minutes the other night. This is just one of several recent reports of reanimated members of the '95 Tar Heels being seen around the five boroughs. 

Sacursemento: The dark force that's haunting Sacramento writhed in a sea of blood during this 17 point loss to the Blazers. The Kings got put to the guillotine despite another lackluster evening for rebel leader LaMarcus Aldridge, 5-14 with five rebounds.

Tyreke Evans: 10 points, 4 assists, and 1 rebound. The sad thing is that I initially debated whether or not this performance was bad enough by his recent standards to warrant a worst of the night; then I realized my having that debate in in itself was worthy of an inclusion. Such is the insidious, creeping nature of the spell this franchise is under.

Aaron Brooks: Was it really that long ago general managers were frothing at the mouth for this guy? Brooks reached his apparent Zenith in the 09-10 season, averaging 19.6 points per game. This is the same year that Tyreke won top rookie honors. It's also the year that I theorize something happened in Sacramento, either to create a new curse, or exacerbate an existing one. The case of Aaron Brooks shows the reach of the franchise's grim power. Even while playing in a city 2,000 miles away, he was unwittingly being pulled in by the gravity of this dark force, which now clouds his once bright future.

The dead dead coach bounce: I guess too many dead coach bounces at once ended up cancelling each other out for the Lakers. It could be worse for the ol' purple & gold, though. When I was trying to determine the last time Aaron Brooks was relevant, I came across this article.

I've never seen anything make 2011 seem longer ago than the phrase 'cream of the crop' being applied to Aaron Brooks and Rodney Stuckey. If the Lakers would have gone down that route, then they'd be in the unfortunate position now of having one of those two taking up space rather than a 38 year old Steve Nash resting his broken leg.

Pau Gasol:

You knew this had to be here, right? Even the AP couldn't resist having a little fun with this one.
The San Antonio Spurs' final offensive play was smartly drawn and precisely executed, ending in a clutch jumper by Danny Green. The Lakers' final play? Well, 7-foot Pau Gasol ended up shooting a 3-pointer.
Are you trying to say something about the superiority of Popovich's coaching, AP?

The simple fact is, this isn't about coaching. It's about something in a power forward's soul. Sometimes the worst thing that can happen to a big man is to hit a 3 pointer or two. You see, deep down, a lot of these big guys, especially the ones who've been fighting a soft label their whole careers, dream of being more like guards and launching 3's with abandon while somebody else gets the rebound.

Pau didn't really get three fever til last year when he attempted 27 of them, having only attempted 3 the year prior. But once you got three fever there's no getting rid of it. Pau began last season by missing two 3's in the season opener against Chicago, which you may recall the Lakers lost. As would be the case the rest of the season, this set off a cycle of guilt, repression, and eventual release for Pau who continued to sneak in 3's whenever he thought nobody was looking.

Then on January 11th, disaster struck for the Lakers. Playing out by the Great Salt Lake, Pau finally hit one. Once Pau had his taste against the Jazz, he embarked on a nearly two week long 3 shooting binge, culminating in his going 1 for 4 from downtown in a loss to the Heat.

When Bynum was benched for his infamous attempt from deep last March, Pau had been shooting a 3 like clockwork every other day for the previous seven games. This double standard towards two players who shouldn't have been shooting threes was lost at the time to the public, but I'm sure not to a sulking Andrew. That night, Pau came away squeaky clean with 19 points and 17 boards, but when they played the Warriors again three games later, Pau, 11-17, was feeling confident and couldn't resist firing a 3 and missing it.

With all the controversy over big men shooting 3's, Pau laid low for a while. Then something happened to assure he would never stop chasing the elusive high of the three.

Once Pau had won that high stakes 3-point shoot out with Dirk, the poster boy of bigs who launch from deep, any chance of him stopping the madness was shattered. Not even the postseason could slow him down. Apparently, satisfying his own lustful compulsions was more important to Pau than competing in the playoffs, because he attempted 4 from deep over the first 3 games, amazingly, actually hitting two. At this point he composed himself, and didn't shoot a 3 for eight straight games, until the Lakers were being eliminated from the playoffs and he no doubt figured 'what the hell' and shot up a long brick. Missing this shot must have ate away at him all summer, because when the current season began he quickly did what he'd been waiting five long months to do and hit a 3.

In a private press conference after the game, held at a small tea table with his favorite dolls, Pau had this to say:
I'm just really happy that all that work that I've been putting in on my 3 ball in the off-season, the bulk of my training, has finally paid off. Now I can get back to the business of acting like a power forward.
After his dolls told him how strong and handsome he was, the press conference was finally concluded when Pau fell asleep around dawn. The respite wasn't long lasted, as he only waited two games before embarking on a four attempts in five games binge that brings us to last night. How long will Pau wait this time before he feels the world is safe for his 'secret weapon' again? Only time will tell.

"Sometimes the worst thing that can happen to a big man is to hit a 3 pointer or two"

so true. when you mentioned big man shooting 3 it reminded me sadly of Mehmet Okur. He was forced to quit basketball last month as a result of his continuous injuries that prevent him from playing at a top level anymore.

Blogger Barry said...

That's so quintessentially Bawful that I had to post it here!

Anonymous Anonymous said...
Hell, hitting a few 3's can be a bad thing for guards too. Last week a guy in my pickup league started 3/3 agains me. The rest of the game was just easy. He missed about 8 or 9 after that

Blogger Dan B. said...
I'm not feeling very well today, so I'm skipping out on BAD, but I did want to share this great piece: Marv Albert Comes Home.

Anonymous Anonymous said...
Why isn't Andrew Bynum's hair on WOTN?

Blogger Glenn said...
Hi everybody. I can't post at the moment, because I'm traveling, but I should be back to it by Monday.

Blogger Dan B. said...
Spotted this on Reddit: bawful halftime show!

(And for anyone who cares, I am still fighting a sinus infection. My head hurts so bad, I feel like I just watched our annual Null Star game on a loop for 24 straight hours.)

Blogger dmillika said...
As long as Bynum's hair has a highlight, I am totally ok with the delay between updates.

Anonymous Anonymous said...
So, Bynum's injury setback was caused by...


Anonymous shrew said...
Apparently everyone involved lost the Dwight Howard mega trade.

Blogger Dan B. said...