Friday:

Before I leave LA, I'm gonna need some homophobic chicken.

Mike Brown was not asked to participate

I'm telling you, Kobe, I can coach

Ish Smith may play for the Magic, but his heart belongs to interpretive dance

4 defenders, 0 chance

The Washington Wizards: The Broped rode all over the hapless Wizards Generals with reckless abandon as Ellis and Jennings combined to shoot 13-24 and score 34 points. Even so, the duo still turned the ball over 12 times, something the Wiz were unable to make matter.

A.J. Price, who averaged less than 4 points for the Pacers last year, played the most minutes of any General. That's not exactly a recipe for success, even when you're playing the Bucks.

The Orlando Magic: Jacque Vaughn upped the ante on Wiz coach Randy Wittman, giving E'Twaun Moore forty minutes, the most on the team. E'Twaun averaged under 3 points a game with Boston last year. Vaughn had a good reason to give E'Twaun those minutes, besides Jameer Nelson's strained groin. E'Twaun (you can probably tell I enjoy typing E'Twaun) scored a team high 18 points. This may have had something to with why the Magic lost to the Nets by 39 points and failed to score 70. 

The rest of it you can probably just blame, as per usual, on Orlando starting Big Baby, 8 points on 4-13 shooting with 3 rebounds. Nobody on the Magic grabbed more than 5 rebounds. Their interior defense was so piss-poor that it made the AP describe Brook Lopez and Andray Blatche as dominent big men. On the upside, the Nets found a cure for their recent woes, playing the Magic. Now, if they can just find away to do that 78 more times this year, they should be alright.

Josh moonlights at Toys "R" Us

Josh Childress: The Nets won despite giving 25 minutes to Josh "Geoffrey" Childress, 2 points on 1-4 shooting.

Maurice Harkless: Maurice "yeah baby, I'm a real NBA player" Harkless played over twenty scoreless minutes for the Magic. If only the Magic had given him 5 more minutes, he could have made a shot and matched his nemesis Josh Childress, who refuses to give him a discount at Toys "R" Us.

The Hawks: Usually, losing by 6 points to the defending champions isn't a WotN, but when the Heat are giving Dwyane Wade's minutes to Mike Miller you really have to capitalize.   

Josh Smith: Smith must've been tired from chasing LBJ around all night, because he shot 6-19. Hey, Josh Smith, here's a crazy idea. Don't shoot 19 times.

Evan Turner on his way to 25 points, 11 rebounds

Boston's defensive decay: Only a game after the 6ers couldn't score 80 points on a Hornets squad that was sans Anthony Davis, the Celtics let the 6ers go for 106 points. Even if you manage to score 120 points, that's still a moral defeat, and the Celtics stopped at 100. Seeing that Rondo dished out 20 assists and scored 14 points, it's not entirely unreasonable to think that the rest of the team wouldn't have scored 60 points without him.

A world gone mad: The undefeated Knicks were only able to beat their latest victims, the Mavericks, by 10 points. I never thought I'd type that sentence. Am I dead?

Darren Collison: The Maverick's starting point guard could only muster a 4 point 1-8 performance. Don't feel bad Darren, nobody plays well against the mighty Knicks.

The OKC Thunder: Yeah, they beat the Pistons, who hasn't, but they only did it by 11 points. Judging by the how-badly-you-beat-the-Pistons yardstick, that's not good enough for an elite team this year. Plus, they let Andre Drummond score 22 points on them.

The Pistons: They're still without a win, and what's worse they are keeping the Wizards from being able to say 'well at least it can't get much worse'. I bet the Wizard morale could really use that phrase right about now.

Joey Crawford double standard machine: So just for the record, it's OK to stare people down after possibly knocking them to the floor, but you better watch your ass if you try to trip Udonis Haslem.



Maybe Joey's got a grudge against Georgians.

Friday lacktion:

Bucks-Wizards: Cartier Martin didn't look too ritzy in the 24 seconds he spent on court for the Wiz, but he did get a Mario.

Knicks-Mavs: Bernard James and Jared Cunningham became Mario brothers, leaving the super on the table, with a twin 53 second performance for Dallas.

Lakers-Warriors: Biedrins and his hair were awarded an 8:5 Voskuhl for distinguished service to lacktion.

Saturday:

I don't know where you're headed, but can you call in sick?

Where's Luke Ridnour's other hand?

Derrick Rose is a lot shorter this year

Yup, that's how I remember Tay's shot looking

The Wizards Generals: Another day, another team high in minutes for A.J. Price, another loss, so nothing's changed much for the still winless Generals. Price did impressively tally 14 assists and 0 turnovers, but even that was not enough to offset being on the Wizards.

Roy Hibbert: 3 for 15? I'm beginning to think that Roy Hibbert is not the mortal lock at Center for the Eastern All-Stars that I thought he was.

Ball

 
David West: If I call Roy Hibbert out for going 3 for 15, then I gotta call David West out for going 4 for 16, right? With that kind of production from their bigs, the Pacers can only hope to win against the Wizards and their ilk, and unfortunately for Indiana that group is shrinking.

They haven't forgotten they're on the Bobcats. They're actually winning.

The Dallas Mavericks: Don't feel bad Mavs. At least it wasn't the Wizards or the Pistons.

Fun Fact: Kemba Walker had 8 steals against the Mavericks to complement his 26 points, 6 rebounds, and 7 assists.

Me: Back when I was reviewing the Bobcats' draft choices, I wrote that although Michael Kidd-Gilchrist (25 points and 12 rebounds) was a solid option, the team should select Thomas Robinson and his Swede-chopping elbow. So far, I'm being outfoxed by the management of the Charlotte Bobcats. With the Bobcats' young collegiate champions playing like this, the rest of the NBA might have one less team to kick around. Who will fill the void?

The Detroit Pistons: Bet you all saw that one coming, right? I know, I just can't resist a segue joke. The Pistons remain without their first win. On the upside, James Harden didn't take every one of them out behind the Toyota Center after the game and dispatch them execution style, so I guess they can be thankful about that. Although, by the end of the season they might not be so grateful.

The Minnesota T- ...we better call the doctor: A local farmer shot another one of the Timberwolves last night who was caught prowling around his sheep. When local authorities arrived, the Timberwolf was identified as Chase Budinger. The farmer's shot wasn't fatal, but it left him with a torn meniscus in his knee. The farmer said, "I've been seeing a lot of these Timberwolves around here lately, trying to get at my sheep, don't-cha-know; I caught J.J. Barea here the other day, and you never can keep Brandon Roy away for long.

Your 2013 Minnesota Timberwolves

Brandon Jennings: While the other half of the Broped, Monta Ellis (32 points), is taking off into the atmosphere, Jennings seems trapped in some negative effect of Newtonian Physics, being thrust back into the earth (1 for 11) at a rate inversely proportional to his partner in bawfulness. The Celtics took advantage of this perplexity and won by 4 points.

The Phoenix Suns: 40 minutes and 51 seconds. That's how much time their opponent gave to Jamaal Tinsley. 40:51. The Suns lost.

The Utah Jazz: Fans of this team really have to ask themselves: Are we really just one Mo Williams injury away from playing Jamaal Tinsley 40 minutes a night?

The Silver Bullet registered no points.

The rest of his night is a little more interesting, and a lot less bawful, 14 assists with only 2 turnovers. Since 1986, a player hasn't scored any points while playing 40 or more minutes only 37 times. For comparisons sake, there have been 434 triple doubles since then.



DeMarcus Cousins: The league suspended DeMarcus Cousins two games for verbally accosting Sean Elliot. No, I'm not making this up. Elliot, who calls Spurs games now, thought he heard Cousins saying he was "gonna bust [Tim Duncan's] ass" to the Kings bench after Cousins had scored on his elder a couple times. It didn't take long for Duncan to respond; his former teammate described the scene.

That’s why some humility is in order. You think you’re dominating Tim Duncan, you get it stuffed right back in your face. Timmy doesn’t like to talk trash. But if guys start talking mess to him, he’s going to respond. All that trash talking was premature. I’m not about to let these guys off the hook. Young ball clubs should learn from this. Don’t start talking and flapping your gums against one of the greatest players ever. He’s going to make you pay. Tell me who got the best of this exchange.

Cousins heard about the gum flapping Elliot was doing on air, and sought him out after the game, presumably with the intention of making him pay. Nobody has come forth with details on what was said, but the scene has been described as "hostile". Cousins was most likely acting out of a long term hatred for the '99 Spurs. The NBA however, does not condone vendettas against players or announcers, as shown in the case of the People vs. Doris Burke.

Nuggets vs Warriors: I'm gonna let LotharBot take this one, since he provided such a detailed analysis in the comments section.

It took 2 OT for either team to break 100. Both teams shot 38% from the field. The Warriors missed 9 free throws (including Landry's 2 bricks with a 4 point lead and a minute left in the second OT). The Nuggets missed 11.

For the Nuggets, Andre Miller took 15 shots to get 15 points, which was better than most guys. Gallinari had 21 points on 22 shots (0 points on 9 first half shots), Lawson had 9 points on 13 shots, and Iggy had 19 points on 24 shots. This would be good for a loss in most circumstances, but the Warriors were just as bad. David Lee had 18 points on 19 shots, Klay Thompson had 23 points on 26 shots, Jarrett Jack had 8 points on 11 shots, and RJ had 2 points on 6 shots. Kobe would be so proud.

I guess it came down to a battle of which team had Kenneth Faried to clean up their mess with 9 offensive rebounds. Sorry, Warriors. 

Saturday lacktion:

Bulls-Timberwolves: Greg Stiemsma was lost in the shadow of Nikola Pekovic, and stumbled his way to a +7 suck differential in nearly 13 minutes of lacktion.

For the Bulls, Jimmy Butler committed a foul in 8 minutes for a +1 suck differential.

Spurs-Blazers: Boris Diaw's two assists couldn't keep him from getting a 4:2 Voskuhl in 15 minutes. The Red Rocket, Matt Bonner, flew low and grazed a building with a +2 suck differential. Cory Joseph appeared for 4 seconds earning him a Luigi-less Super Mario. 

For Portland, Will Barton served up a Will Barton Special, 1 brick in about 3 minutes for a +1 suck differential. Meanwhile, Jared Jeffries turned the ball over in a similar amount of time for his own +1.

Nuggets-Warriors: On behalf of the Warriors, Kent Bazmore went all Super-Mario-nova in 3 seconds, Draymond Green sniffed at the butt of a 4 trillion in 3 minutes and 41 seconds of unproductiveness, and Charles "no relation" Jenkins obtained a Mario in 54 seconds.

Bobcats-Mavericks: For the Cats, Reggie Williams committed a foul and threw up a brick for a +2 suck differential, while Cory Higgins showed some ingenuity when he turned his 15 second Mario into a +1 suck differential by whacking it with a brick.

Sunday:

Josh Smith worked all summer to make his post game more awkward

Nice of Marcus Thornton to not make Jamison jump or lift his arm for this block

Pictured: Agony

 
The Magic: By playing the Magic twice this weekend, the Brooklyn Nets were able to keep their ship aright for one game longer at least.

Ralph Lawler and Mike Smith: Maybe too much time together in the pressure cooker of the Clippers' broadcast table has started to warp these two against each other. Some of their dialogue during their team's victory over the Hawks was positively Bill-and-Marty-like.

It all started when Ralph Lawler confused Ivan Johnson for DeShawn Stevenson.

Note the lack of facial tattoos

Ralph/Marty: Ivan Johnson looks just like DeShawn Stevenson--they're wearing the same beard.

Mike/Bill: They share the beard?

Ralph: You know what I mean.

Mike: Apparently, I don't.

Ralph: I mean the same style of beard.

Mike: That's not what you said.

Great job clearing that up, guys. You know there is a game going on, right?

Anthony Morrow: The Clippers' announcers also took the time to make fun of Anthony Morrow, DNP coach's decision. At one point, they were asking where Morrow was and began recalling the night he scored 37 points against the Clippers as a rookie. The TV crew must have picked up on this, because they cut to Morrow on the bench with a towel draped over his head. At this point the mockery over his towel began:

He's had no reason to perspire in this game. I guess in case his mom is looking, like yeah I've been playing hard.  I've played 40 min already. (Lawler chuckles) I'm exhausted.

Mike Smith better hope that Morrow doesn't take the DeMarcus Cousins approach to being mocked on air and hunt him down. He may not be a particularly large NBA player, but he's still listed at 6'5 and over 200 lbs. 

The Hawks: As for the actual game, Josh Smith had a team high 13 points. Consequently, the Hawks only scored 76 points.  For the first time this season the bench of the Hawks was outscored 35 to 32. The starters for the Hawks were also outscored leading to a 13 point loss to the Clippers.
 
The Kings: Speaking of losing by unlucky numbers to LA teams, the Kings also lost by 13. In their case, it was to Bernie Bickerstaff and his Lakers. With DeMarcus Cousins out, Sacramento was hopelessly outmatched in the post, countering the Dwight Howard and Pau Gasol combination with Jason Thompson and James Johnson.

Now he shoots like Dwayne Wayne too

The Heat: If I told you Marc Gasol went 1-6 for 2 points against the Heat and the Grizzlies still won by 18 points, you'd probably call me a filthy lying scumbag. So, I won't tell you; I'll let this boxscore do it for me. Maybe Wade, 3 for 15, needs to start wearing his glasses to games.

The Heat missed 14 free throws and were unable to shoot 40% from the floor, thanks in no small part to Pookie.

The Cavaliers: Durant and Westbrook combined for over 50 points for the 2nd time this season. Maybe the Cavs would've been able to counter this outpouring, but Alonzo Gee, 7 for 17, ended up taking the most field goal attempts of anybody on the team.

Andrew Bynum: That soreness in the knees has turned into see you in January, maybe. Not to worry, Andrew, the fans in Philly are famously patient and forgiving.

I know at least one guy who doesn't feel bad for Bynum

Eddy Curry: It was a tough weekend for the Big Take-it-Easy. According to Hoops Hype, first the Lakers fired him as head coach, and then Dallas waived him. Thanks for the catching that, tjr.



Sunday lacktion:

Thunder-Cavaliers: Jeremy Lamb was led to slaughter with a 2 trillion.

Grizzlies-Heat: Joel Anthony missed a shot and turned the ball over for a 2:1 Voskuhl.  James Jones added a brick and a foul for a +2 suck differential. Hamed Haddadi of the Grizzlies spent his nearly 3 minutes on court working towards a +3 suck differential. 

Lakers-Kings: Robert Sacre made it all the way to a trillion.

Nets-Magic: By throwing up a brick and committing a foul, Andrew Nicholson reached +2 suck differential status in 3 minutes and 14 seconds for the Magic. On the opposing side Tyshawn Taylor used 7 seconds of his life to establish the night's solitary Luigi-less Supermario.