I sing the Bynum electric

Philadelphia 76ers: Don't worry 6er fans. I know things are looking a little bleak. The Knicks have blown you out two times in as many days; both your top scorer and your best player from last year are no longer with the franchise; you're starting Kwame Brown, or I should say you were starting Kwame before he went down with an injury last night. Did I say a little bleak?

But help is on the way. Pretty soon the 6ers are going to unleash their secret weapon, which is that Andrew Bynum actually hasn't been injured this whole time. In reality, he has been taking part in a highly technological and top secret experimental procedure that supposedly is going to turn him into Dr. J circa 1977. It is a top down process, literally, as you can see in the picture it starts with the hair. You may notice a few greys in Bynum's fro, which is unusual given his youth. This is because in order to become Dr. J '77, you must first pass through several Dr. J's of the eighties. If all goes according to plan the 6ers (with the possible additions of George McGinnis, World B. Free, and a 25 yr old version of their coach) should start making some real noise in the East once Bynum completes his metamorphosis.

Or he could just be transforming into Don King, in which case you're totally fucked.

Meanwhile...

The spinal cord of the 76ers: Broken.

Nick Young: None of the 6ers could find the range last night, as evidenced by them failing to shoot 35% collectively, but Nick Young, 4-15, might as well have been trying to bounce the ball in off his head all evening. The bad news for Nick is that he shot 26.7% last night. The good news is that he's actually improving on his season average of 26.3%. At this rate, he should be up to 50% by the time they play Denver on the vernal equinox.

The Brooklyn Nets: If it wasn't for that whole games having to be 48 minutes thing, the Nets would still be undefeated. In other news, if a frog had wings, it wouldn't bump its ass when it hopped. The Nets jumped out to a 22 point lead over the T-pups in the third, which must have made the slow, ass first, crash to the floor in the 4th all the more painful.

The Phoenix Suns: Apparently, making their offense suck wasn't the key to solving Phoenix's historic defensive woes. The Heat had no problem scoring over 120 point on them and shooting over 50% from the field and from downtown. The Suns however, couldn't manage to reach 100 or shoot 40%. As you can surely deduce, they got their ass kicked.

I bet you can't score 124 on us again

Michael Beasley: Playing against a Miami team that spent much of the night with LeBron and Bosh as the two tallest players, Michael Beasley was only able to grab 1 rebound. Mario Chalmers had 4.

Rudy Gay's paradoxical shooting: At first glance, the box-score from last nights Grizzly game might make you think somebody had gouged Rudy Gay's eyes out shortly before the game. I see no other explanation for him going 3-17.  However, a closer look reveals that Gay also went 8-8 from the line. I guess somebody was able to scoop up his eyeballs and shove them back into his eye sockets for each free throw attempt.

The Indiana Pacers: Let's break out the ol' Fail checklist. 

Point 1: The Pacers fail to reach 80 points.

When fail is in the description, you know that's a check.

Point 2: The Pacers leading scorer, George Hill, needs 15 shots for his 15 points.

Check!

Point 3: The Pacers end up with a 19 turnovers and only 11 assists.

The dreaded Triple Check, which means it's time for...

Roy Hibbert: Even with Bynum injured and Chandler not being a big scorer, going 1-7 from the floor for 2 points isn't about to win the big guy the starting center spot for the Eastern Conference All-Stars. Oh, who am I kidding, of course it will. My apologies to Al Horford.

Mike Brown: Just because the Lakers didn't play tonight, it doesn't mean I'm going to miss out on a chance to point out the failures of Mike Brown. Notice how no starter on the Spurs played over 26 minutes to blow out the Pacers? Kind of makes you wonder why every member of the Lakers starting 5 had to log over 30 minutes to annihilate Detroit by 30 this weekend.

Anterior Cruciate Ligaments: DeJuan Blair proved once again that ACLs are totally overrated with 14 points on 75% shooting, 11 rebounds, and 4 assists. Do you realize, that despite having no ACLs, DeJuan Blair has only missed three games in his professional career? Andrew Bynum has already missed that many games this season.

Completely worthless

 
The Portland Trailblazers: The Blazers took a Phoenix Suns like beating on both ends of the court, as they failed to keep Dallas from shooting 60% from the floor and 50% from three point land. Meanwhile, they were unable to shoot 40% overall or 25% from deep. Shockingly, they got their ass kicked. O.J. Mayo dropped 32 points on them in the process. 

Damian Lillard: Damian may have come into this game as the hottest rookie to have not recently been elbowed in the head by Austin Rivers, but he left it as the night's most paradoxical shooter west of the Mississippi. Like Rudy Gay, his terrible shooting from the floor (2 of 13) was made all the more odd by a perfect night at the line 8-8. Unlike Rudy Gay, Lillard's night included a 1 of 8 performance from deep, which ultimately might have made it the slightly more amusing of the two. 

A decrepit stadium by any other name: It's a good thing that the stadium the Kings play in is no longer called "Power Balance Pavilion", because I would hate for what happened last night to shake the public's faith in the Power Balance Wristband brand. By the way, the place is called the Sleep Train Arena (I honestly didn't think they could do worse than Power Balance Pavilion) and it's falling apart.

Keith Smart saw a black tarp that covered an advertisement fall from the scoreboard above center court and ran out to grab the piece of plastic while his Sacramento Kings played defense on the other end. Officials whistle the play dead, and Smart sprinted back to the bench like a running back holding a football, drawing roars from a rare sellout crowd.

It's good that the people of Sacramento have something to cheer about. Namely, that their stadium is falling apart, and not that their team squeaked by the Warriors. (To be fair, if Kings fans get a concussion from falling scaffolding they do get a free taco.) Congratulations Keith Smart, if you keep up with these heroics, maybe one day you won't be only the 28th most recognizable head coach in the league. You better watch your ass, Dwane Casey.  

Curse on the Kings: Do you remember when Tyreke Evans (1-9, 3pts) was storming his way to a Rookie of the Year Award, while joining Michael Jordan, Oscar Robertson, and LeBron James as the only rookies to average 20 points, 5 boards, and 5 dimes? Yeah, neither do I.

The Kings unpopular new mascot

I'm not sure if it's from building on an ancient Indian burial ground, from pissing off a witchdoctor, or from denying an elderly gypsy woman a bank loan, but somebody has pissed off some powerful and unholy force in Sacramento. Just look at the eerily precise yearly decay in the stats of Tyreke Evans and Jason Thompson, and then try to tell me that there's not something supernatural going on. 

The Clipper Defense: There was a play at the end of the 1st half that really fit this game into a neat nutshell. Anderson Varejao was able to stumble his way down most of the court, dribble between his legs, and get a layup at the buzzer. I'm glad I can't find a video of this. It was bad enough I had to see it, so I really don't think I should expose anyone else to it. Needless to say, if the Clippers couldn't stop that play, then they couldn't stop much else.

One player they damn sure couldn't stop was Dion Waiters, who went an astonishing 7-11 from downtown, burning off most of Willie Green's hair in the process. The Clippers had a "chance" to make a game out of it with about a minute left, trailing by 3. Chris Paul did his best to keep up with Kyrie Irving, fighting through a screen to catch him and harass him into passing the ball. When Paul looked to see where the ball had gone, he saw Varejao wide open, easily making a shot he had made just minutes prior, when the defense was actually vaguely paying attention to him. It's those types of plays, little by little, that might make that Brooklyn Knight start seeming less dorky to CP3 one day. ...Nah.

Samardo Samuels: Look, you're 23, you're 6'9, and your name is Samardo Samuels; nobody expects you to stay in front of Chris Paul, but even Grant Hill has got to be feeling sorry for your ankles right about now.





Lacktion Report:

Kings-Warriors: For the Warriors, Charles Jenkins messed around and got a Mario in 33 seconds, while his teammate Draymond Green bricked once and turned the ball over for a +2 suck differential.

Knicks-76ers: Philadelphia's Maalik Wayns is always in the mood for some lacktion, as he demonstrated with a +3 suck differential. 

Grizzlies-Jazz: Alec Burks bricked twice for a +2 suck differential in six and a half minutes.

Spurs-Pacers: Orlando Johnson threw up a brick and turned the ball over for a +2 suck differential in almost four minutes of play that the team probably would have been better off giving to Orlando Bloom. At least if he'd shown up dressed as Legolas, Tim Duncan would have probably told the other Spurs to take it easy on him. Lance Stephenson was born ready for some lacktion and showed it with a +7 suck differential. That's three bricks, two turnovers, and two fouls in nine and a half minutes without a single positive stat recorded. On the positive side, he didn't push his girlfriend down a fight of stairs last night. At least, I hope he didn't.

Mavs-Blazers: Will Barton finked on the rest of his team last night and walked away with a +1 suck differential. In the same amount of time, one minute and fifty-one seconds, his teammate Nolan Smith went the extra mile for a +2 suck differential.

Clippers-Cavs: Lamar Odom, who I guess is technically a big man, couldn't find where the Clippers have hidden the rebounds, but did end up with a 4:2 Voskuhl. However, considering that this is probably all a ploy to not seem suspiciously good now that he's back in LA, I'm not sure if it should count.