And so it begins... The disease has got me now. Any hopes I may have had for self growth, personal productivity, and social mobility have been lost until at least July. The inaugural tip has been thrown; I have laid my claim to a body sized indentation in the couch, and I shan't get up until someone has been crowned NBA champion, or at least until I need something to snack on. But enough about me, and about how come December I'm going to be trying to suck the quarters out of vending machines just to pay the cable bill (if I'm lucky), it's time to take a trip through the worst of opening night and remember what makes this hoops addiction completely worth while a complete waste of valuable time.

Worst of the Night

The Washington Wizards Generals: When the guy listed as your top performer has less than ten points, doesn't reach the number 5 in any other statistical category, and is named Trevor Ariza, then you know something has gone terribly wrong. Top scoring "honors" for the team belong to Jordan Crawford with 11 points, and he only needed 13 shots to get there. Moving on...

CJ Miles: Life is looking pretty rough for Mr. Miles on the first day of the season. Apparently, he's coming off the bench for Alonzo Gee, despite the team's depth chart saying otherwise. He was only given 17 minutes of playing time, which makes sense considering that he only made 1 of 5 shots and had a 1:3 assist to turnover ratio. Gee meanwhile was given 34 minutes to prove himself.

Alonzo Gee: Mr. Gee scored four points on 2-9 shooting. Need I say more? Alright, I will. He also was the game's statistical leader...for getting his shot blocked. Don't get too comfortable in that starting slot Alonzo. (Looking up at previous entry) On second thought you might as well get comfortable.   

This would seem to be Alonzo Gee

The Washington Generals Frontcourt: They get a special mention for letting Sideshow Anderson Varejao gobble up a career high 23 rebounds against them. Although, I guess with with Nene injured a Washington Generals frontcourt is merely an imaginary concept and it's pretty hard to block out an opposing player theoretically.

Ray Allen: Thanks to Ray Allen's stellar marksmanship the Celtics were able to defeat the archrival Heat in the season opener. Wait a second...what's that uniform say? Oh fuck me. Apparently in a better world the Celtics would have won this game by 25 points. Allen was polite before the game and gave KG a playful punch on the shoulder. KG didn't respond. According to Allen "he probably didn't even see me coming cause his head's down all the time on the bench". Yeah, that's clearly what that was.   

Mike Miller: He had to go and spoil a perfectly good six trillion by recording a single assist. Now thanks to him I only have a one man Lacktion report.

LeBron James unintentionally menstrual quote machine: In what's becoming an oddly commonplace occurrence LeBron had to excuse himself from play when his cramps started acting up. ''Once you start cramping, there's nothing you can do about it". Somebody needs to tell him about Feminax Ultra.

The NBA's lack of a cage fighting policy: I would really liked to have seen where Rondo was going with that clothesline to poor Pookie. 

The Los Angeles Lakers: One of the two teams in the night's final contest is a favorite to go on to the NBA finals, while the other started Eddie Curry. Guess who won? I'm not going to say that Eddie Curry was unstoppable, he only actually made 3 shots, but there were moments (approximately three of them) when it felt like Pau Gasol and Dwight Howard were actually trying to stop him and couldn't. Psychologically, that might have been the game right there. 

The Artest formerly known as Ron: Even though they lost, there were moments when the Laker's offense looked like the well oiled machine many expected from the get-go. Then there were the moments that involved MWP, where the offense looked like a well oiled machine a large mammal had gotten stuck in causing some of the gears to fall off as everything grinded to a halt. The 1 for 8 in the box score actually looked worse on TV than it does in print. His flailing, barely facing the basket, awkward attempts at scoring erased all memories in my mind of a time when his scoring a basket seemed like anything more than a freak accident.   

Dwight Howard at the Line: Laker fans can hope that Dwight's 3-14 performance from the line was more of an homage to terrible Laker free throw shooting centers of the past than an actual attempt to shoot free throws. At one point Pau couldn't help himself and pulled Dwight aside to tell him "elbow in, follow through." Good thinking Pau, because we all know how much the big man loves unsolicited advice, and would never freeze out anybody who liked to advise him.  

Fun Fact: Did you know that Darren Collison can hit a running rainbow floater from the foul line over Dwight Howard's outstretched hand? Well, apparently he can.

Reggie Miller indefensible opinion machine: Puffed up by Curry executing a couple moves in the post without tripping over his own feet and being knocked unconscious, Reggie declared Curry "offensively during his heyday as good as it got down low". Is this the New York Knick heyday?

Reggie Miller indefensible opinion machine pt 2: Apparently, large people are no good at free throws because of their oversized hands. I guess that's why Ben Wallace is such a better free throw shooter than Michael Jordan and Dr. J, huh Reg?

Reggie Miller indefensible opinion machine pt 3: According to Reggie Pau Gasol is 7'2". I wouldn't have brought it up, except I remember Reggie during a finals broadcast saying Bird was 7 feet tall. Does Reggie Miller think he's 6'10" or something?

Lacktion Report
 Lakers-Mavericks: Dahntay Jone's made the night special with a +2 Suck Differential in 8 minutes of play.
Blogger Raza said...
What kind of a bizzaro world do we live in where Gasol goes 8-19 and Kobe goes 11-14 from the floor?

And Howard's gonna have his work cut out for him if the turnpike that is Steve Nash is going to be covering the opposing guards.

Great write up Glenn!

Anonymous MODI said...
Nice write up.

I knew Reggie would get flak for his Curry comment, but the truth is that offensively his low posts moves and soft touch are as good as any real center in the NBA.

If an in-shape Curry would play just average defense, he could be an all-star, but he is such an incredible defensive liability on every trip down the floor that if he is not your offensive focal point, he is not worth it. But if you watch his Knick games the year before the terrible Zach-Eddy experiment, he was killing other folks offensively. "heydey" is a little strong, but not that crazy

Anonymous Anonymous said...
Great job glenn!!

Blogger Matt said...
I'd like to add the free throw "shooting" of the Lakers' centers to the WOTN.

At one point, they were a combined 3-for-16. Fortunately, Howard made one of his last four free throws (before fouling out) to raise their combined average to 20%.

Blogger Jason said...
I swear if I hear "Princeton Offense" one more time...

Blogger Glenn said...
Duly noted, Matt. I have added the horror from the stripe to the WOTN. I must have blocked it out somehow, kinda like the basket was blocking out Howard and Hill's free throw attempts all night.