Ok, folks, this is where Glenn gets his second post on here, and you hopefully tell me how awesome he is, and then I can give him official authoring rights to this site so I don't have to post the stuff myself.

Without further adieu, Glenn's great flopping submission:


An open letter to Stu Jackson
by Glenn

Stu-babe, I applaud the recent efforts the NBA has taken against flopping. As you know these theatrics have badly hurt the leagues image and needed addressing. While what you've proposed is a good start, I'm in favor of more extreme measures to combat what I see as a dire threat to the leagues integrity. Call me old fashioned, but when confronting a problem of this sort, I feel it is necessary to seek out the most heinous offenders and punish them publicly in a way that fits their crime. To this end, I have provided you with a list of these players and some suggestions for fitting punishments. I did not bother adding the Nick Collison's of the world because I think continuing to toil in anonymity is the best punishment for them.

To show my lack of bias, I'll present the players in alphabetical order.

Chris Bosh:
1st Offense: Shoot him in the face! Shoot him in the face!!! (Sorry about that. I'll try to keep my composure from now on.)

2nd Offense: His intro music over the PA system is changed to "Cry me a River".

3rd Offense: Norris Cole get's his parking spot, and Miami sports writers are instructed to refer to him as part of the big three.

4th Offense: Bosh becomes the nation wide spokesperson for Vagisil. This is done free of charge, and Norris Cole is allowed to style his hair.

Kobe Bryant:
1st Offense: Smush Parker is brought back for a week as starting point guard. Mike Brown is required to play him at least thirty minutes per game.

2nd Offense: A statue of Shaq is built at Staple's Center...in front of Kobe's locker. "Tell me how my ass tastes" is inscribed.

3rd Offense: Has to buy the victim of the flop an 8 carrot ring. I hear Arron Afflalo likes purple diamonds.

Derrick Fisher:
1st Offense: Forced to be president of the players union. Oh wait...

2nd Offense: All evidence of .4 seconds is destroyed.

3rd Offense: The Lakers have his number retired by the Clippers.

Pau Gasol:
1st Offense: The AP is instructed to refer to him as "the other Gasol brother".

2nd Offense: Sports Illustrated releases a big three issue with Kobe, Howard, and Nash on the cover.

3rd Offense: The name on his jersey is changed to Spanish Marshmallow.

Manu Ginobli:
1st Offense: Hire a hypnotist to convince Ginobli that his commute home is actually a playoff game. Presumably, after a few minutes someone will merge in front of him without using a turn signal. He will respond by flailing his arms wildly and sending his car careening past a guard rail, through the air, and into a bridge abutment.

2nd Offense: This won't be necessary.

Blake Griffin:
1st Offense: Insist that he can only give dramatic performances in his Kia commercials.

2nd Offense: Instruct scorekeepers to only count his turnaround jump shots for a game.

3rd Offense: Have him reappear in the dunk contest, but replace the Kia at the end with a Hummer.

James Harden:
1st Offense: Have him spot Kevin Durant at the bench press.

2nd Offense: Make Lou Williams the 2012 6th man of the year retroactively.

3rd Offense: Replace his beard with an equally large beard of bees.

LeBron James:
1st Offense: NBA refs are treated to a seminar on traveling, sponsored by Nike.

2nd Offense: The league passes a rule that headbands must be worn within 4 inches of the eyebrow.

3rd Offense: Has to play 5 home games for the Cleveland Cavaliers.

Tony Parker:
1st Offense: No baguettes.

2nd Offense: No Jerry Lewis.

3rd Offense: No painting pictures of the Eiffel Tower while wearing a striped shirt and a beret.

Chris Paul:
1st Offense: Can only pass to Ronny Turiaf for a night.

2nd Offense: Pau Gasol is allowed to pat him on the head as much as he wants for 20 minutes.

3rd Offense: A 5 foot tall guy gets to wail on his nuts real quick. I'm thinking Dustin Hoffman needs the work.

Paul Pierce:
1st Offense: Can't use his wheelchair at the airport anymore.

2nd Offense: Has to have a lozenge before post game interviews.

3rd Offense: Antoine Walker is assigned as his future Hall of Fame introduction speaker.

Anderson Varejao:
1st Offense: I think that Rajon Rondo already came up with this.

2nd Offense: Same thing but with a bowling ball

3rd Offense: Wrecking ball

On behalf of basketball fans everywhere I hope you take these suggestions seriously. I happen to know Jeff Van Gundy agrees with me.

Sincerely, Dee Z Nuts
Anonymous Anonymous said...
this is gold. We got a winner here!

Blogger Javi said...
This comment has been removed by the author.

Blogger Javi said...
This is hilarious! Keep the great work coming.

Blogger Paul Putz said...
Many great subtle gems within that piece. Nice job!

Anonymous Anonymous said...
Hire this man.

Blogger DieDomme said...
Haha, made me laugh :).

Blogger David Landon said...
I like it! Spelling and grammar needs a little help, but it was really funny.

Anonymous Anonymous said...
This wasn't my favorite piece by Glenn (I might be in a bad mood), but I really liked all of his previous work. Get him on board!

Blogger Wormboy said...
Hehehe, Jerry Lewis.

Blogger Vladamir said...
just ok. too eager.

Blogger Michael Hsu said...
Please caption contest this

Mike Brown tells Steve Nash his plan for the offense and goes crazy.

Anonymous Anonymous said...
some good chuckles in there, topping off with the rondo vid. Watched it 6 times. Classic.

Anonymous MJ said...
FUNNIEST bit of sports writing I have seen since the basketbawful McHale days of old.

Anonymous David said...
I took a break from a TF2 lan to read this. i swear, the guys around me had no idea what I was laughing at. Great writing!

Anonymous Anonymous said...
neither funny nor insightful, the author of this piece comes off like a 14 year old.

please set the bar a tad higher

Anonymous Anonymous said...
I know I may be in the minority in this but without Matt "Basketbawful" Mchale, this blog just isn't the same. It's not necessarily a bad thing but having followed this site for so many years, it may be time for me to move on. Evil Ted, Jason, Paul, etc may keep this thing going and I wish them the best of luck. Keep it real, guys.

Blogger Evil Ted said...
Anon1: I think a solid contingent of our readers / commenters are in the 14-year-old range, so you've just inadvertently given an endorsement.

Anon2: Anonymous people informing us they are leaving is like a dude running out of cash at the strip club and declaring to a bunch of strangers, "I've had enough! I want you to know I have become dissatisfied with the quality of your services and choose to take my leave of this place! Goodbye!" Everybody looks at each other, shrugs, and the lap dances continue with nary a disruption...

...at least, that's what I think it would be like, if I had ever done such a thing...not that I have...because I haven't.

That reminds me, I have to hire an online bouncer.

Anonymous Anonymous said...
Great work, had some good laughs!

Anonymous Anonymous said...
For "voting" fairness, I'll admit to commenting earlier. I didn't like this one so much (though I didn't hate it), but I really liked Glenn's two earlier submissions. I think Glenn's best moments are really good. He would be a welcome addition in my book ET!

Blogger miami said...
Scott Darkish informs Bob Nash his plan for the felony and goes insane.
Miam Kia