Ok, folks, this is where Glenn gets his second post on here, and you hopefully tell me how awesome he is, and then I can give him official authoring rights to this site so I don't have to post the stuff myself.
Without further adieu, Glenn's great flopping submission:
An open letter to Stu Jackson
I applaud the recent efforts the NBA has taken against flopping. As
you know these theatrics have badly hurt the leagues image and needed
addressing. While what you've proposed is a good start, I'm in favor
of more extreme measures to combat what I see as a dire threat to the
leagues integrity. Call me old fashioned, but when confronting a
problem of this sort, I feel it is necessary to seek out the most
heinous offenders and punish them publicly in a way that fits their
crime. To this end, I have provided you with a list of these players
and some suggestions for fitting punishments. I did not bother adding
the Nick Collison's of the world because I think continuing to toil in
anonymity is the best punishment for them.
To show my lack of bias, I'll present the players in alphabetical order.
Shoot him in the face! Shoot him in the face!!!
(Sorry about that. I'll try to keep my composure from now on.)
His intro music over the PA system is changed to "Cry me a River".
Norris Cole get's his parking spot, and Miami sports writers are
instructed to refer to him as part of the big three.
Bosh becomes the nation wide spokesperson for Vagisil. This is done
free of charge, and Norris Cole is allowed to style his hair.
Smush Parker is brought back for a week as starting point guard. Mike
Brown is required to play him at least thirty minutes per game.
A statue of Shaq is built at Staple's Center...in front of Kobe's
locker. "Tell me how my ass tastes" is inscribed.
Has to buy the victim of the flop an 8 carrot ring. I hear Arron
Afflalo likes purple diamonds.
Forced to be president of the players union. Oh wait...
All evidence of .4 seconds is destroyed.
The Lakers have his number retired by the Clippers.
The AP is instructed to refer to him as "the other Gasol brother".
Sports Illustrated releases a big three issue with Kobe, Howard, and
Nash on the cover.
The name on his jersey is changed to Spanish Marshmallow.
Hire a hypnotist to convince Ginobli that his commute home is actually
a playoff game. Presumably, after a few minutes someone will merge in
front of him without using a turn signal. He will respond by flailing
his arms wildly and sending his car careening past a guard rail,
through the air, and into a bridge abutment.
This won't be necessary.
Insist that he can only give dramatic performances in his Kia commercials.
Instruct scorekeepers to only count his turnaround jump shots for a game.
Have him reappear in the dunk contest, but replace the Kia at the end
with a Hummer.
Have him spot Kevin Durant at the bench press.
Make Lou Williams the 2012 6th man of the year retroactively.
Replace his beard with an equally large beard of bees.
NBA refs are treated to a seminar on traveling, sponsored by Nike.
The league passes a rule that headbands must be worn within 4 inches
of the eyebrow.
Has to play 5 home games for the Cleveland Cavaliers.
No Jerry Lewis.
No painting pictures of the Eiffel Tower while wearing a striped shirt
and a beret.
Can only pass to Ronny Turiaf for a night.
Pau Gasol is allowed to pat him on the head as much as he wants for 20 minutes.
A 5 foot tall guy gets to wail on his nuts real quick. I'm thinking
Dustin Hoffman needs the work.
Can't use his wheelchair at the airport anymore.
Has to have a lozenge before post game interviews.
Antoine Walker is assigned as his future Hall of Fame introduction speaker.
I think that Rajon Rondo already came up with this.
Same thing but with a bowling ball
On behalf of basketball fans everywhere I hope you take these
suggestions seriously. I happen to know Jeff Van Gundy agrees with me.