Ok, folks, this is where Glenn gets his second post on here, and you hopefully tell me how awesome he is, and then I can give him official authoring rights to this site so I don't have to post the stuff myself.

Without further adieu, Glenn's great flopping submission:

ET

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An open letter to Stu Jackson
by Glenn

Stu-babe, I applaud the recent efforts the NBA has taken against flopping. As you know these theatrics have badly hurt the leagues image and needed addressing. While what you've proposed is a good start, I'm in favor of more extreme measures to combat what I see as a dire threat to the leagues integrity. Call me old fashioned, but when confronting a problem of this sort, I feel it is necessary to seek out the most heinous offenders and punish them publicly in a way that fits their crime. To this end, I have provided you with a list of these players and some suggestions for fitting punishments. I did not bother adding the Nick Collison's of the world because I think continuing to toil in anonymity is the best punishment for them.

To show my lack of bias, I'll present the players in alphabetical order.

Chris Bosh:
1st Offense: Shoot him in the face! Shoot him in the face!!! (Sorry about that. I'll try to keep my composure from now on.)

2nd Offense: His intro music over the PA system is changed to "Cry me a River".

3rd Offense: Norris Cole get's his parking spot, and Miami sports writers are instructed to refer to him as part of the big three.

4th Offense: Bosh becomes the nation wide spokesperson for Vagisil. This is done free of charge, and Norris Cole is allowed to style his hair.

Kobe Bryant:
1st Offense: Smush Parker is brought back for a week as starting point guard. Mike Brown is required to play him at least thirty minutes per game.

2nd Offense: A statue of Shaq is built at Staple's Center...in front of Kobe's locker. "Tell me how my ass tastes" is inscribed.

3rd Offense: Has to buy the victim of the flop an 8 carrot ring. I hear Arron Afflalo likes purple diamonds.

Derrick Fisher:
1st Offense: Forced to be president of the players union. Oh wait...

2nd Offense: All evidence of .4 seconds is destroyed.

3rd Offense: The Lakers have his number retired by the Clippers.

Pau Gasol:
1st Offense: The AP is instructed to refer to him as "the other Gasol brother".

2nd Offense: Sports Illustrated releases a big three issue with Kobe, Howard, and Nash on the cover.

3rd Offense: The name on his jersey is changed to Spanish Marshmallow.

Manu Ginobli:
1st Offense: Hire a hypnotist to convince Ginobli that his commute home is actually a playoff game. Presumably, after a few minutes someone will merge in front of him without using a turn signal. He will respond by flailing his arms wildly and sending his car careening past a guard rail, through the air, and into a bridge abutment.

2nd Offense: This won't be necessary.

Blake Griffin:
1st Offense: Insist that he can only give dramatic performances in his Kia commercials.

2nd Offense: Instruct scorekeepers to only count his turnaround jump shots for a game.

3rd Offense: Have him reappear in the dunk contest, but replace the Kia at the end with a Hummer.

James Harden:
1st Offense: Have him spot Kevin Durant at the bench press.

2nd Offense: Make Lou Williams the 2012 6th man of the year retroactively.

3rd Offense: Replace his beard with an equally large beard of bees.

LeBron James:
1st Offense: NBA refs are treated to a seminar on traveling, sponsored by Nike.

2nd Offense: The league passes a rule that headbands must be worn within 4 inches of the eyebrow.

3rd Offense: Has to play 5 home games for the Cleveland Cavaliers.

Tony Parker:
1st Offense: No baguettes.

2nd Offense: No Jerry Lewis.

3rd Offense: No painting pictures of the Eiffel Tower while wearing a striped shirt and a beret.

Chris Paul:
1st Offense: Can only pass to Ronny Turiaf for a night.

2nd Offense: Pau Gasol is allowed to pat him on the head as much as he wants for 20 minutes.

3rd Offense: A 5 foot tall guy gets to wail on his nuts real quick. I'm thinking Dustin Hoffman needs the work.

Paul Pierce:
1st Offense: Can't use his wheelchair at the airport anymore.

2nd Offense: Has to have a lozenge before post game interviews.

3rd Offense: Antoine Walker is assigned as his future Hall of Fame introduction speaker.

Anderson Varejao:
1st Offense: I think that Rajon Rondo already came up with this.

2nd Offense: Same thing but with a bowling ball

3rd Offense: Wrecking ball

On behalf of basketball fans everywhere I hope you take these suggestions seriously. I happen to know Jeff Van Gundy agrees with me.

Sincerely, Dee Z Nuts