David Stern Pictured

Holy F*%!ing Squid Ballz, David Stern is retiring. What will the NBA do without him? Without an Emperor Palpatine look-alike and his cronies lording over the league, the games are theoretically gonna have to be decided on the court. While some might see this as a good thing, we may be forgetting the little victims. Who is gonna press The Stern Button? Is it just gonna sit there, lonely and inanimate, waiting in silence as the league goes on without it? Of course, none of this actually happens until Feb. 1st, 2014, which leaves plenty of time for a save The Stern Button movement.

Worst of the Night

The Milwaukee Bucks Backcourt: Somebody's gonna have to come up with a witty name for these guys because I have a feeling we're gonna be seeing a lot of them. The idea of combining Brandon Jennings and Monta Ellis onto one team might once have held a faint glimmer of promise, the kind of tantalizing long shot that's poured many a Midwestern mortgage payment into the brightly lit Nevada desert; last night made it abundantly clear that hope was just some sort of fever dream and the Bucks have a lot of "everything must go" yard sales in their future. The twin shoot first point guards combined for a gruesome 4-25 for the field. Don't worry, they also chipped in 6 assists to go with their 6 turnovers as Jenning's somehow outscored his twisted doppelganger with only 6 points. See what I'm getting at? 'Tis not a backcourt; 'tis the beast. 

The Bobcats: Luckily the Bucks were playing the Bobcats so that's pretty much an automatic win, even with a two headed hell beast gobbling up most of your teams possessions. As a team, the Bobcats unsurprisingly failed to shoot 40%. Despair is clearly setting in for Ramon Sessions who went 4-16. As he's probably realized by now, that short time with the Lakers was in all likelihood the most playoff action he's going to see for another insufferably long stretch of his career on basement dwelling teams. In a way, you've got to give the guy credit that he managed to hit four shots with that kind of cloud hanging over him.

Fun Fact: The Buck's top scorer was Tobias Harris who scored 18 pts in 17 minutes. Tobias is the first man named Tobias in the history of the NBA. 

Damian Lillard: I get it. It's the penultimate game of the preseason. You're a rookie. It's not a bad time to get the whole 'more field goal attempts than points and as many turnovers as assists' thing out of the way. Of course, coming from college we can't expect that you'd be ready for the awesome defensive prowess of the Utah Jazz and their Frankenstein backcourt of discarded pieces from last years Clippers team and Jamaal Tinsley.

Tyrone Corbin: What possible excuse could there be for playing Jamaal Tinsley. It's not Jamaal's fault didn't score a point in 23 minutes. It's your fault for giving him those minutes.

Tyrone Corbin: Yeah that's right, Tye Corbin, you get two. You were playing at home, man. What did you want to have happen? Did you want those kids to witness a man falling apart, torn limb from limb while attempting a crossover? Let people remember the Silver Bullet how they want to and not as your grim charade.

Once, he could almost keep the ball from a PF with no ACLs

The Los Angeles Lakers: Still without a win after eight tries. Don't worry Lakers fans. Nobody cares.

Mike Brown: But people do care about Kobe being questionable for the opener of the actual season. They say hindsight is 20/20, so I'll give coach Brown the benefit of the doubt. I mean, clearly he had to play all his starters over 30 minutes a piece just to lose to Sacramento last Sunday. It's not like any of them are over 38, coming off of back surgery, or injured themselves in a meaningless preseason game last year as well.

Me: About that whole hindsight is 20/20 thing.... I probably should have bothered to watch the Clippers play Denver (I think it was on NBA TV). Judging from the box score, Blake Griffin (10-13, 25 pts) and Chris Paul (12 assists 0 turnovers) probably put on a heck of a show. But fuck it dude, it's the preseason. 

The author in the '70s

Lacktion Report

Lakers-Kings: Darius Johnson-Odom messed around and got a two trillion, bringing none of the skills of former Lakers Lamar Odom or Magic Johnson to the table (or for that matter even the skills of Darius Miles). 

 Jazz-Blazers: Will Barton disgraced the Blazers uniform with a +1 suck differential in five minutes of playing time. Kevin Murphy of the Jazz recorder a turnover in a little under three minutes time giving him a +1 suck differential to call his own.