Happy Election Day everyone. Pictured above is the reenactment of the events that unfolded last night, as performed by an eagle and a baby alligator. The eagle, the president, has succeeded in his struggle against worthy foe baby alligator, the challenger; and after presumably carrying the challenger away to some secluded tree overlooking the river and eating him, he can now return refreshed to his place within the riverbank food chain.

I assume the readership of this blog is mostly young, Hispanic, and female; therefore, I can also assume the vast majority of you are happy about this outcome. However, if this isn't the case, you can take comfort in the fact that you are not alone. Spencer Hawes shares in this feeling of disappointment with you. And thanks to Spencer's stirring locker-room grandstanding, Lavoy Allen is with you too.

But unlike you, Lavoy Allen has taken the opportunity to hit on Stacey Dash (that hot black chick from Clueless who endorsed Mitt Romney).

If your not a 6ers fan, or even if you are, you might be asking yourself the same question that Stacey Dash probably is right now. Who the fuck is Lavoy Allen? Well, maybe if Lavoy was as smooth on the court as he is on Twitter, his career scoring average might be higher than 4 points per game and you would've heard of him before.  I suppose that through Twitter, anybody else could theoretically take this opportunity to hit on Stacey Dash, but Lavoy Allen's getting there first has gotta take some of the wind out of those sails.

Worst of the Night:

The death of Dee-troit Basketball: In less than a decade, the Pistons have gone from being a candidate for the greatest defensive team in NBA history, to the ignominious state captured in the video above. What can I say about this possession that would even come close to capturing how terrible it was? Watching it live, I assumed some whistle had been blown that I didn't hear. When I realized this wasn't the case, I was shocked and horrified. Javale McGee, in all earnestness, faced tougher lanes to the basket in the dunk contest; at least John Wall was somewhere in the vicinity in order to throw him lob passes, all the Detroit players were too busy running away to be anywhere near him.

Andre Drummond: Every Piston on the floor was somewhat to blame, but Andre the not so Giant gets special dishonors for his roll in this travesty. Watch how he not only runs away from Javale but also inadvertently screens off his own teammate Jonas Jerebko. Not that Jerebko was going to do anything, mind you, but it's still extra terrible to keep a teammate from offering help defense while running away from your man.

Lawrence Frank: I enjoy how the game's announcers joked that Lawrence Frank, charging onto the court to call a timeout, looked like he was trying to tackle Javale McGee. He probably should have. Although this would've likely resulted in a trip to the hospital and a pink slip, it also would've sent a clear message about the importance of defense and probably improved his current lot in life: which is, still currently, the coach of the Detroit Pistons.

Rodney Stuckey: Normally, shooting 5-17 would be considered a bad thing, but it must have felt like sweet rain in the desert to Stuck in Detroit, who came into this game shooting 1 for 23 on the season. 

Big Baby: If you didn't watch the Bulls defeat the Magic last night, I can't say I blame you. Especially, considering that promos highlighted the low-post battle between Carlos Boozer and Big Baby Davis. Oh, and there was this whole election thing that apparently happened last night as well, that might have distracted you. Don't worry, I've provided you below with what was clearly the best moment of the game.

That slow motion view from underneath the basket is so beautiful. Back in May, when I was struggling to find reasons to watch the Pacers vs the Magic in the first round of the 2012 Playoffs, a friend texted me this:
Everytime you see Baby pulling in a tough rebound picture him yelling "My Hamburger!" I just made this game 26% more enjoyable for you. You're welcome. 
He also added that everytime Hibbert grabbed a rebound from above Baby's head he cries about his hamburger. Well, Davis had plenty to cry about last night, as Noah smacked away his burger so hard the mayo flew off the bun. He then asked him if he wanted fries with that.

OK, maybe that was the best moment of the game. Big Baby was blocked 5 times in all for night, so it seems there was also an order of nuggets, a milkshake, and some onion rings. He also fouled out. To celebrate this achievement in bawfulness, I propose a new suckage stat be established: The Big Baby, this demerit is awarded when a player reaches double digits in fouls and blocked attempts.

The American starters for the Toronto Raptors: It's pretty clear that the American players on the Raptors were just trying to lose to the Thunder as quickly as possible so they could go home and watch election coverage. The starters shot 4 for 20, which may also have been their show of support for the pro-marijuana legislation that was on some states ballots.

Kyle Lowry: This didn't prevent Kyle Lowry from rolling his ankle. Not since the Boshstridge flew south, has a player generated as much interest in the Raptors as Kyle Lowry, and now he's out until further notice. Just don't expect any sympathy from Pacers fans, Toronto.

Knees: Danny Granger is expected to miss 3 months with 'jumper's knee'. I'm sure the fact that the condition is called 'jumper's knee' and not some more serious sounding ailment does nothing to make this easier for fans. If anything, it's kinda salt-in-the-woundy; a fractured fibula you can live with, but 'jumper's knee' is just a slap to the face.

I think that Gökhan expressed it best in the comment section of the last WoTN. Shortly before the news broke, he wrote the strangely prescient message:
Just when I thought things are changing and we will be good again, my Pacers are back to being bawful. Did we as Pacers fans do something bad to piss off the basketball gods or something?
I guess he got his answer.

Steve Blake: Some people out there just don't like Steve Blake. In fact, it seems they kinda hate him, which is a little strange to me. Sure the guy isn't Michael Jordan, but honestly what do people expect? He's a shooter, so he's flukey, but he's a generally decent role-player who's capable of greatness once every blue moon, (well maybe twice) and then gets shit on when he abides by reasonable expectations. Anyway, he flung some of that shit back at a heckler the other day and now the NBA is penalizing him for it. The confrontation begins forty-five seconds into the video.

JJ Barea: In a classic "pick-on the little guy" move, Barea became the first player to get growled at by the heretofore toothless tiger that is the NBA flop police. I picture them all bumbling around like a bunch of Keystone Cops rejects, bumping into each other and then ironically flopping around the room setting off chain reactions. I imagine it might take them a little time to gain some traction and forward momentum. As always the question remains, who will police the police, especially with this slapstick lot.

Corporate Fat Cats: Thank you anonymous commenter, whoever you are, for letting me know that in Houston, you have to have Comcast to watch the Rockets. Apparently, if you have DirecTV or AT&T U-verse, you can't watch games for free on TV. AT&T claims at least 300,000 subscribers in Houston for U-verse. When you add that to the amount of people a company with 20 million nation wide subscribers probably has in the nation's 3rd largest city, I wouldn't be surprised if there are a million people in Houston unable to enjoy Harden's beard.

So, that's Houston and Los Angeles. I wonder just how big this problem gets. Please, if you are experiencing this injustice in your own city, try to share your situation in the comments. I want to be able to show the true scope of this assault on human dignity. Thank you in advance, and Godspeed you Black Emperors.

And in an almost complete non sequitur, one Last Waltz video deserves another, Dan B.

Raptors-Thunder: Amir Johnson let his voice be heard with a 5:4 Voskuhl. 
Bulls-Magic: Nazr Mohammed, who apparently is on the Bulls now, went 0 for 3 and got blocked for a +4 suck differential.
Nuggets-Pistons: Charlie Villanueva appeared for 6 seconds on the Denver hardwood. Considering that he's getting payed eight million dollars this year, this could be the most expensive Super Mario of all-time.

Blogger Baldwinternet said...
Great post Glenn! If it's not too much to ask I would like more pictures with funny captions. I enjoy those the most.

Also congratulations Americans on legalizing Obama and voting for marijuana.

Blogger Wormboy said...
I blame the Pistons' sucking so badly on the auto bailout. See how handouts rip the spine from somebody?

Wait, what's that? You say that Obama won Ohio because of the auto bailout? That's OK, I blame the Cavs sucking on him, too.

On basketball: big baby is a classic case of a mid-level guy being asked to do too much. It's really too bad. You need guys like him to win rings, but you definitely don't want him to be your go to guy. I think Howard knew he was leaving Orlando when they brought in Big Baby as one of their main guys.

And Jo No can't get too psyched by his stuff of old Glenn. Even when he was lean and mean in Boston (that's a joke, btw), Big Baby had no vertical to speak of.

There was, however, one of my favorite NBA moments in years, also featuring what may be my only beloved Mark Jackson moment (1:44):

And just for the heck of it: