What's yer problem?

Hi everybody. Welcome to a special "Ruby Tuesday" edition of the Worst of the Night.  I apologize for my delay in posting this. I've been trapped in a traffic jam that circumnavigates the globe with the lethargic pace of the Midgard Serpent as it slumbers awaiting Ragnarök. I'm actually still trapped in this seemingly endless line of blurry brake-lights; the traffic's just so slow I'm picking up on somebody's Wi-Fi. I should have enough time to finish writing this; after all, I haven't moved more than a foot in the last 6 hours.

Worst of the Night:

Mike D'Antoni opening night quote machine: Usually, your first day at a new job isn't a good time to admit to a painkiller dependency, but damn it Pringles pulled it off with gusto.
The Vicodin is wearing off. I got 15 minutes left before I say something I shouldn’t say...I felt pretty good, it’s starting to wear off now. Starting to sweat through the shirt a couple times.
A quick analysis of this quote provides more questions than it does answers. Questions like: If the Vicodin is gonna wear off in 15 minutes, isn't it more likely he'll say something he shouldn't say in those 15 minutes? And: Hasn't he already said something he shouldn't have when he admitted to coaching the game while high on Vicodin? I'm sure this all would make more sense if I wasn't so damn high on Vicodin. Oh shit, I probably shouldn't have just admitted to that. Ah, screw it. I don't have to pretend anymore. Thanks D'Antoni for opening the door, and making being high on Vicodin socially acceptable again.

Reggie Evans are-you-fucking-kidding-me machine: I was all ready to make fun of the ineffectualness of the NBA's flop police, but they actually quickly sprung to action this time after seeing such an egregious flop, and a now 5,000 dollar poorer Reggie Evans has become the first NBA player to feel kitty's claws.


I never knew that Reggie was so light on his feet.  The way he high-stepped away girlishly, I would have thought Artest just dropped a tarantula down the back of his jersey. After receiving the fine, Evans took to Twitter, responding with the eloquence of a raving paranoid psychotic.

I ran through a gamut of emotions when I found out Reggie Evans has a Twitter account. At first, I was anxious. Then, I was sleepy. Finally, I settled on a-who the fuck would want to follow Reggie Evans on Twitter-reaction. When I read his tweets, this initial reaction faded away, and I was left somewhere between entertained and deeply unsettled. This was just one of 20 tweets he made that day. I'm no expert, but that seems a touch excessive.

The Artest formerly known as Ron, in a remarkable show of restraint, only tweeted 10 times the day after the incident. When informed Evans had been fined, he had this to say, ""That's ridiculous. Are you kidding me? I'd rather Gerald Wallace get fined than Evans."

Crash was a busy man last night. In addition to pissing off Snake Eggs with his exaggerated reactions, he indulged in a little Mamba trash talking.

I don't know if the title of that video is correct, but if it is, Kobe's emulation of Jordan truly knows no bounds, and Reggie Evans wasn't the only Net to lose 5 grand on Tuesday. You know that even though Kobe's a multimillionaire who takes his own helicopter to work, he was most likely sitting alone in a dark Brooklyn apartment when Gerald got home.  

Joel Meyers quote machine: The Lakers play-by-play guy really put things in perspective with his description of Pringles on the sideline, "Mike D'Antoni is sitting in Phil’s chair over there, literally, the high chair Phil would use because of his back." Uh oh. This might cause the tensions between the present and former Laker coaches to erupt into violence, especially given the fierce sense of territoriality that crotchety old men tend to develop for their favorite chairs.    

The New Orleans Hornets: The Hornets shot a very groovy .420 from the field, but did very little if note beyond that in a 22 point loss to the still dominating Knickerbockers. With a score like that you'd think Austin Rivers elbowed Anthony Davis in the head again, but really he was out with a sore left ankle. 

The game contained the mystery of Tyson Chandler's minutes. The big man seemed to be on his way to a classic 'Wilt Chamberlain in his final year' game, gobbling up 12 rebounds in just 18 minutes, and hitting both of his shots. As far as I can tell he wasn't injured, and he wasn't in foul trouble. Clearly, whatever the Knicks are doing is working, but the fact that their anchor doesn't even have to play a full 20 minutes for them to eviscerate the opponent anymore just makes it all the more baffling.  

Knicks-Hornets: Darius Miller shot Lee Harvey Oswald on live TV with a +1 suck differential in 1 minute and 54 seconds.
 Lakers-Nets: Josh Childress continued to depress with a 3 second Supermario.
Anonymous Anonymous said...
the artest formerly known as ron :) great stuff

Anonymous Shiv said...
No reaction to that dude shooting 52-108 for 138 points? That's a possible WOAT.

Anonymous cantf33lmyface said...
ha forreal that artest line was a good one man!