Andrew Bynum, neighbors from hell: Those bastards. They tapped on his house with a stick. It was a really long stick too. Bynum has summed the cause of the problems up in just one word, racism. One can disregard his neighbors' reports of constant blaring music and large clouds of weed smoke coming from Bynum's residence. I mean, whoever heard of a professional athlete smoking marijuana? Next your gonna tell me Bonzai Wells isn't the squeaky clean Grant Hill figure I believe him to be. I won't believe it.

These neighbors are clearly scum. I mean who the hell wouldn't want a new Ferrari being raced over their crosswalks and towards their children? Instead of enjoying the free entertainment, these public menaces apparently hucked coins at his vehicle. I don't know what kind of a sick world we live in, where a man can't race a luxury vehicle through a residential zone without fear of coin hucking. I really don't. Plus, the neighbors can't even handle getting a piece flashed at them. How lame can you get?

Cold hard reality in the Magic Kingdom

The Magic: Some games are over before they begin. The Spurs were the victors in Wednesday's night study in inevitability, as the visitors disenchanted the Magic by 21 points. Manu tripled the amount of threes the Magic made. He must have enjoyed it too, as his only shots from the floor were threes. He was 6 of 9 from deep and was fouled once for 20 points. Maurice "yeah baby, I'm a real NBA starter" Harkless gave the Magic 4 points in over 21 minutes of play.

The Suns: Make that 5 of the last 8 for the Pistons. I wasn't surprised by the Spurs beating the Magic by 21, but I'm still trying to get my jaw off the floor after seeing the Pistons beat anyone by 40 points. Even knowing of the Suns' struggles and the Pistons' resurrection, the Pistons' immolation of the Suns is hard to comprehend. Here are the facts: the Suns shot 34%, Scola was their high scorer with 11 points on 12 shots, nobody on the Suns had more than 3 assists or 6 rebounds, the Pistons shot 75% from deep and 53% overall, and Charlie Villanueva only missed 1 shot on his way to 19 points.   

The Bobcats: Well, the good news for the Cats is that they didn't lose by 45 points. Instead, they opted for a 3 point loss to the Hawks. The Bobcats gained ground on the Hawks from their last encounter, but that wasn't good enough to surpass last year's win total. Kemba Walker continued to search for his shot, only making 4 of 15 attempts, while Michael Kidd-Gilchrist learned that Josh Smith is really good at shot-blocking. But the obvious main culprit here was Ben Gordon, who came off the bench and could only make 7 out of 10 threes. One more three would have sent the game into overtime. C'mon Ben, step it up. They're are people betting on this shit, you know.

Do I look like I care if you like these pants?

Michael Jordan, fashion outcast: Speaking of his Airness, even today, living as we are in the 21st century, some golf courses just don't appreciate having 'his kind' around. And by 'his kind', I mean guys in cargo pants. Michael 'Fucking' Jordan was apparently told that his Cargo pants weren't appropriate for the La Gorce Country Club of Miami Beach. He was offered a chance to change his pants. He declined. Then he finished his round of golf.

It's being reported that he has been banned from the country club as a result. I have my doubts. It's a funnier story with him being banned, but my guess is if Michael Jordan stops by again, he'll be playing a damn round of golf. And it won't be in the club's mandated Bermuda shorts.

The Celtics: I was watching a fight when a basketball game broke out. After the former Mr. Kardashian took a fist to the face from Raging Rajon Rondo, several members of both teams stayed on for a 12 point Celtics loss. To quickly put the rest of the game in perspective, Andray Blatche was the top performer for either team with 17 points and 13 rebounds.





The Mavericks: What's that you say? You want to hear about another 20 point blowout? Well, you're in luck, as the Chicago Bulls happily obliged, defeating the Mavericks by 23 points. How did it happen? Chris Kaman led Dallas with 14 attempts, only making 4;  Elton Brand, who wasn't recently amnestied by his opponent, had 4 points in 25 minutes; and Jae Crowder, 1-7, made Vince Carter, 3-10, look efficient. On the other end of the court, the Mavs got caught up in Noah's tornado, 5-9 with 5 assists; while Nate Robinson scored 14 points on 6 attempts, and Deng led the team with a frosty 22 from his ice cream truck.  

The Hornets: (Deep breath) Ok, I'm gonna try to remain reasonable here, and I'll stop short of advocating a team's exile this time. Even though the Jazz did play Jamaal Tinsley over 30 minutes, and he didn't score a single point in that time. This wasn't one of those 0 points, 14 assists nights either; the Silver Bullet had 4 turnovers to go with his 5 assists. But that's OK, because I'm not advocating exile anymore. After all, it would be a national tragedy if we couldn't watch Jason Smith, 7 points and 5 turnovers, or Austin Rivers, 2 points.

The Raptors: The Raptors lost by 21 to the Grizzlies. (Yawn). Moving on...

The Rockets: Houston was on the wrong side of a 20 point loss, in a night full of them. The bearded one's 3 for 16 shooting gave Sam Presti's cat a much needed respite. To his credit, Harden did craftily score 17 points, but Presti was too busy pleasuring himself with Durant's 37 points to care. Kevin Martin kinda got in a revenge game with 17 points. It's not really that notable, but being traded to a far better team isn't much of a motivation for vengeance. The Rockets also couldn't stop Serge Ibaka, 11 of 13, including a three pointer.




Harden's old teammates showed him they missed him by blocking his shot 7 times.

The Bucks: On a night like this, a 14 point loss looks a lot closer than it is.  Tyson Chandler more than quadrupled his 4 attempts with 17 points. The Broped sped, but Ilyasova regressed after his best night of the season. His 0 points pretty much squashed any hope his last performance generated.

For the first time this season, not the Wizards: The Portland Trailblazers just couldn't live in a world where the Wizards couldn't get a win. The home town crowd's cheering after the game was both sad and reminiscent of a winter night in New Jersey three years ago. The River Jordan Crawford flowed forth with 19 points, and the Wizraelites discovered the other side of the court, holding their opponent to 35% shooting.

Wesley Matthews was among the worst offenders, shooting a nearsighted 2-10, including 1-8 from deep. You would think that after a while he'd try to drive, but then you'd probably also think the Trailblazers could beat the Wizards, so there you have it. Damian Lillard wasn't much better from the floor, as he missed 15 of his 21 attempts. The rookie was apparently quite traumatized by the loss.

All I could think of was Abraham Lincoln getting killed.

Oops. I'm sorry. He did say that, but it was on a different subject. Apparently, Damian Lillard is afraid of statues. Of all the fears I've ever heard of this one might be the strangest. Ron Artest being afraid of snake eggs was bizarre, but everything about the Artest formerly known as Ron is bizarre. Not to mention, snake eggs do sound kinda scary. But statues? It's this kind of window into the mysteries of the human soul that makes me glad I follow basketball. Speaking of souls, Lillard feels uncomfortable when he passes graveyards, but not for the obvious reasons. Since a trip to the Lincoln Monument only makes him think of a bullet tearing through the skull of the Great Emancipator, it's only natural that he gets a funny feeling when confronted with stone carvings of the Crucifixion.

I wouldn't be surprised if this phobia affects the betting odds on future Blazer trips to Washington. I'd also watch what happens the next time the Trailblazers visit LA. That new Kareem statue might really rattle him.

Lacktion:

Spurs-Magic: Ish Smith presented the Magic with a +4 suck differential, by turning the ball over and getting one of his two misses blocked in 6 minutes and 13 seconds.

Hawks-Bobcats: Reggie Williams of the Bobcats struck Supermario gold with his 5 second stint.

Wizards-Blazers: Jared Jeffries joined in his teammates shame for a 3:1 Voskuhl in 7 minutes.

Nets-Celtics: The Nets are gonna have to burn the jersey Keith Bogans was wearing. In 7 minutes and 44 seconds he missed twice, turned the ball over, got blocked, and committed two fouls for a +6 suck differential. 

Grizzlies-Raptors: Josh Selby was tagged and released back into the wild, after missing two shots, getting blocked, and committing a foul in 3 minutes and 20 seconds for a +4 suck differential.