Joe Alexander that a Joe Alexander sighting?! Holy Spider-Man's balls!
Something must have gone horribly, horribly wrong in Chicago.

The Chicago Bulls: Going into last night's home game against the Miami Heat, the stakes were high for the Bullies. They were fighting for a playoff spot, for pride (since the Heat punked them and incited Kirk Hinrich into an ejection and suspension a couple weeks ago), and -- most importantly -- for the future.

After all, Chicago management has put all their eggs in the basket that is this summer's free agent market. That's why they traded John Salmons and the right to switch picks in the 2010 NBA Draft to the Milwaukee Bucks for what will amount to about $6 million in extra cap space. That way, they can dangle a max contract as a lure in an attempt to bring Dwyane Wade, Chris Bosh, Amar''''''e Stoudemire, Carlos Boozer or Joe Johnson to the Windy City. And since several other teams, including their own, will be able to offer those guys similar money, the Bulls needed to prove they're just one player away from becoming a contender.

In other words, they had every reason to play balls out.

Instead, their balls just kinda dropped off and Chicago fans were forced to sit through -- probably with a steaming mouthful of their own vomit -- what was probably the Bulls' worst loss of the season. Yes, worse than their home defeat to the eight-win New Jersey Nyets. Yes, worse even than the time they collapsed after building a 35-point lead against the Excremento Kings. See, after those ugly losses, at least there was plenty of time to steer the ship clear of any icebergs. But now, well, the ship be sinkin'. How far can it sink? Sky's the limit.

Because I like tormenting myself, here are some numbers. The Bulls shot just 32 percent (including 28 percent in the first half) while the Heat hit nearly 52 percent of their field goals (including over 60 percent during the first 24 minutes). Chicago had just three fast break points and got outscored 52-28 in the paint. Miami got to the rim at will, scoring 18 layups and 4 dunks. The Heat led 63-33 at halftime and 86-49 after three quarters, and their biggest lead was 39. The Bulls lost 103-74 in what was their lowest scoring game of the season. The 29-point margin was Miami’s second-largest victory of the season and Chicago's second-worst.

And, of course, Derrick Rose went out of his way to prove he might actually be overrated by going 5-for-16 and finishing with a game-worst plus-minus score of -33.

As bad as they are, those numbers can't quite get across how listless the Bulls were last night. This game was over after the first was like the Chicago players weren't even trying. I've seen homeless people who put more effort into their personal hygiene than the Bulls put into that game. I've seen people try harder to be nice to telemarketers. I've personally tried harder to be cool about Kobe Bryant, who's, like, the world's biggest asshole and I won't be happy until he dies of natural causes during a karate attack. See where I'm going with this? The Bulls got bitchslapped...and their coach knows it.

Said Vinny Del Negro: "No good answer for anything. They just attacked us with O'Neal and Beasley. ... We did not have enough fight in us tonight. We beat each other up more in practice than we did the opponent tonight. That is the frustrating part — their effort was better, their energy was better and that is why they beat us up."

Added Taj Gibson: "They really punched us in the mouth tonight."

Even the Heat couldn't believe how readily Chicago bent over to take it. Jermaine "The Drain" O'Neal -- who blistered the Bulls with 24 points on 9-for-14 shooting -- said: "We were a little shocked. We talked about it a little bit on the bench. Especially all the conversation that was kind of here in the papers and stuff like that, their struggles and the importance of the game for them, also. ... We were prepared for a fight."

Too bad the Bulls weren't.

Chicago has now lost 11 of their last 13 games -- including a 10-game losing streak -- and are 2 1/2 games behind the eighth place Toronto Craptors. And The Math gives them about a 20 percent chance to make the playoffs.

Chuck Kenny and Ernie
Uh, maybe we should just keep them in the studio from now on, mmmkay?

Chuck, Kenny and Ernie: I love these guys, but let's be honest: they sucked as announcers last night. Sir Charles was mumbling and providing brilliant analysis like "Three on one break, they need to finish this" and "You can't score 19 points in the first quarter and expect to win." Kenny didn't have much of anything to say (although, after Chuck's "19 points in the first quarter" comment, he did add that "They're on pace for a 38-point half."). And Ernie was giving the most uninspired play-by-play I've heard since...uh...since I provided commentary for a girl's softball game back in college. It was bad. Honestly, they were saved by the fact that the Heat obliterated the Bulls, because then they could ignore the game and crack jokes. That was the only thing that saved them from complete embarrassment.

Can we just agree that Charles, Kenny and Ernie are great studio guys that should leave play-by-play and color commentary to, you know, pretty much anybody else? Well, except Bill Russell and Rick Barry.

The Dallas Mavericks: Most horror movies have what's known as "The Final Girl." The Final Girl is usually the second hottest chick in the movie (next to the slut / bitch, who typically dies a violent and rather satisfying death) and often a token virgin who manages to survive to the end and destroy the killer / monster / alien / whatever. In many cases, The Final Girl will develop a love interest during the course of the movie, and that dude's function appears to be to give the audience a false sense of security. After all, The Final Girl just seems safer when she has somebody watching her back, you know? I mean, there's always the off chance that guy might be able to beat back the bad guy, right? Only that never happens, and the dude usually suffers some horrible mutilation and/or dismemberment right before the final act.

Well, I've come to the conclusion that the Mavericks are that guy in the horror movie that is the upcoming Western Conference playoffs. The Lakers, of course, are Jason Voorhees. Many fans and experts have fooled themselves into thinking Dallas can maybe behead the Lakers, or trap them in a cave, or knock them into a wood chipper. Or something. But it ain't gonna happen, okay? The Mavs don't have what it takes. They don't. I don't care how many Caron Butlers or Brendan "I just work here" Haywoods they add. They are going to die horribly before the final act.

That 13-game winning streak was kind of an unlucky number for the Mavericks, who have dropped four of six games since then...with the two victories being needlessly close wins against the Bulls (see above) and Clippers (see below). Meanwhile, the Frail Blazers -- who have won five straight at home and six of their last seen games overall -- are moving up in the Western standings. And you could hardly blame them for hoping to draw Dallas in round one. After all, they're 3-0 against the Mavs this season, which gives them their first season series win over Mark Cuban's team since the 1998-99 season.

By the way, The Final Girl? She usually bites it when the killer returns for the sequel. So, in this scenario, The Final Girl is probably the Denver Nuggets.

Jason Kidd, quote machine: "They've beat us three times so for us it's about getting better. We understand that this is how teams will play us, so it's good that it happened now and not in 'the next season," he said, referring to the playoffs. So the Mavs finally understand how teams will play trying to win. I'm glad Dallas finally figured that out only 72 games into the season.

The Houston Rockets: The Money Ballers have been getting pretty roughed up lately, and last night's 99-93 home loss to the Clippers proved once again that a plucky spirit combined with a can-do attitude isn't always an adequate substitute for star power.

Since no loss is complete without excuses, I should note the Rockets were missing Shane Battier (head shaving incident or something) and Kevin Martin (vaginal bleeding or whatever), so the Houston faithful can rightfully (but pathetically) log this defeat in the "Undermanned" column.

Trevor Ariza -- who led Team Pluck with 18 points, 8 boards and a career-high-tying 8 dimes -- said: "That's the hardest part about this game. We work ... all season with those guys and they go down. It takes a lot out of you. We know that coming into a game we just got to figure out ways to keep it going."

Uhm, wasn't Martin acquired at the trade deadline? If Ariza has been working with K-Mart all year, then Trevor must have a Hot Tub Time Machine and needs to share. I want to go back to St. Patrick's Day and not eat a certain corned beef sandwich that might or might not have passed back out of my system with the force of a thousand exploding suns.

Anyway, let's get back to sad-sacking the Rockets for losing to the Clippers -- the Clippers -- who hadn't won on the road since February 2. That was a stretch of 11 straight losses away from home. The skid had lasted so long that Drew Gooden, who got traded to The Other L.A. Team over a month ago, got his first road win as a Clipper last night.

I should probably also point out that Houston missed 10 foul shots and lost by six. BONK.

Baron Davis, going forward machine: "Much needed. Much needed. It was great. Hopefully it gives us a lot of confidence for the next game going forward. It was definitely a stepping stone, a learning period and I was just proud of my teammates. We didn't really turn the ball over and we got good shots." Okay, the Clippers are 27-45. What could this win possibly be a stepping stone to? Another stair on the way to Basketball Hell? Oh, wait. I just checked The Other L.A. Team's schedule. Their next game is against the Golden State Warriors. Win number 28, here the Clippers come!

Houston's "Big Three": The Rockets were led by Ariza, Aaron Brooks (18 points, 9 assists) and Luis Scola (16 points, 14 assists). But they weren't scoring in an, ahem, efficient manner. Those three dudes combined to shoot 20-for-56. I guess you could call that scoring by the Law of Averages.

Rasual Butler: Hey don't get off the hook just because your team won. The line: 2-for-10, including 1-for-7 from downtown.

Update! Almost forgot...on Wednesday night, the Nyets ran a promotion in which fans were allowed to turn in the paper bags they otherwise might have worn on their heads for free Nyets merchandise: a poster, a pack of player trading cards and a printed note from Yormark that said: "Thanks for letting us see your face. We hope to see it more often at Nets' games." Brilliant. Because fans wearing bags on their head want more reminders of one of the worst teams of all time. According to the story, "two people accepted the exchange offer by halftime." Thanks to Basketbawful reader Ash B for the reminder.

Update! LeBron James, ego machine: Said King Crab: "I if really wanted to win the scoring title I could win it every single year. Every single year, I could really do it. But it doesn't matter to me." Thanks to Basketbawful reader K for the link.

Derrek Lee: Okay, this isn't basketball related, but I had to included it because I live in Chicago and because this is so, so very Chicago Cubs. Lee -- who is prone to injury -- hurt himself while eating. Nope. Not making it up.

Think I'm joking about this being "so, so Chicago Cubs"? Then check it:

The sad part is that if Lee comes back on Friday, this won't rank very highly on the list of recent Cubs' freak injuries. Those candidates would include Sammy Sosa sneezing his way out of the lineup, Carlos Zambrano emailing his elbow out, Kerry Wood slipping near a hot tub, Alfonso Soriano hopping his way to an MRI and Ryan Dempster breaking his toe while jumping out of the dugout to celebrate.
Lacktion report: At a glance, I can tell chris put more effort into this lacktion report than the Bulls did doing anything last night. Unless they were trying to suck, in which case their effort was off the charts. Anyway...

Heat-Bulls: Jamaal Magloire rebounded twice in 4:15, only to brick twice and capture a giveaway and three fouls for a 4:2 Voskuhl. For the heifers, former nightmare ant Joe Alexander bricked once in that same timespan for a +1 suck differential.

Mavs-Frail Blazers: Eduardo Najera can now invest in a stock market bubble alongside team owner Mark Cuban, as he collected a fortune of 5.35 trillion (5:21) in a losing effort! Also lacking it up for Dallas were DeShawn Stevenson (+1 in 1:01 via brick from Pioneer Courthouse Square) and Rodrigue Beaubois, the latter switching on his Game Boy for a 48-second Mario!

Portland's Dante Cunningham missed once in 2:59 for a +1.

Just received word in Bawful comments that...




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Blogger chris said...
And Ernie was giving the most uninspired play-by-play I've heard since...uh...since I provided commentary for a girl's softball game back in college. It was bad.

Details, plzkthx. Would this be a Livin' Large epilogue of its own!?

Blogger AnacondaHL said...
Not like we can deny that teams have ever tanked at the end of the season before, but this season is especially funny because of the stakes in the free agent bonanza. Somehow you have to play well enough to convince LeBron your team doesn't absolutely suck, while tanking to get the Wall Pick to convince LeBron to come to your team. Delicious dissonance.

The great part of having Charles as an announcer was him yelling at the refs from the table. Other than that, it was far more exciting watching the KState 2OT game last night, with Gus Johnson delivering solid announcing gold.

Blogger Silva said...
K said...
"I if really wanted to win the scoring title I could win it every single year," James said. "Every single year, I could really do it. But it doesn't matter to me."

i cant even put into words how much i hate this kid.

Matt said...
While I have no love for LeCrab, his comment about the scoring title falls into the "It ain't braggin' if it's true" category.

I don't understand why LeBron feels the need to say this kinda shit. The guy is leading the league in scoring, averaging 8.5 assists, blocking shots, making highlight plays and his team has the league's best record. Is clear now that he is the best player in the world.

And he is also wrong, if the challenge was to win the scoring title regardless of wins or any other thing, Kobe Bryant would get it. I don't agree with Barkley, imho Bryant is the most pure scorer in the NBA.

Maybe LeBron needs a coach to win a championship. Maybe a coach that already has won one. Brown clearly won't say anything to him afraid that it might upset him. Maybe LeBron will be wearing "Check my stats" t-shirts again while Dwight Howard wins the title.

Anonymous The Other Chris said...
Jamaal Magloire is still in the NBA?!? Sweet merciful crap.

Fun fact: Jamaal Magloire is the "best" basketball player who's actually from Toronto. We are the fourth biggest metropolitan area in North America, and the best basketball player and only NBA player, to come out of the area is... Jamaal "I'm an All-Star! No really!" Magloire.

Blogger chris said...
AnacondaHL: It's too bad the Stepien Rule (thanks to a previous Crabs regime) has reduced the possibility that a non-lottery team would have acquired a lottery pick.

In the NHL, Boston Bruins fans are eagerly watching Toronto play mediocre most of the season (which would give them a top-3 pick that they had acquired in a trade) while their team has a shot to become first-round fodder!

(Cue up the Gail Goodrich trade from way back when, folks.)

Blogger Unknown said...
Is it possible for LeBron to publicly say *anything* that doesn't make him even more hate-able? Even removing whatever quote cherry picking there may be to be posted on a site like this, he seems to be incapable of not sounding like a douche.

It's not even that he talks about himself so much because in all fairness a lot of the questions he receives are specifically about him, but the words he chooses just boil my blood because you know he's serious. It's not a fake playful "I'm the best" ego kind of thing that some others have.

More on topic:
1) Man that Heat-Bulls game was tough to watch. Not because I was rooting for the Bulls but because of how lost they looked out there. I was hoping against hope that the return of Noah would give them some sort of boost.
2) The way the Mavs have been playing lately kinda makes it clear that their 13 game run was more of a fluke than anything. All respect to Nowitzki and Kidd because I love both of them, but they're not that serious a contender.

Blogger gordon gartrelle said...
I was at the Bulls game with a friend who was in town from Germany.

The steaming pile Chicago laid will be the only NBA game he gets to attend for at least a year. Thanks, Bulls.

And can someone explain why Del Negro is playing Flip "Chuck" Murray and James Jones extended minutes?

Anonymous kazam92 said...
Us heatfans know Big Cat Magloire is good for a few rebound (elbows ablaze), 3 fouls in ten minutes, and a dunk without leaving the ground.

and our other backup center Joel "Stone hands" Anthony is also a canadian

Blogger Adam said...
Face Palm Alert!!

After the clippers apologized for momentarily obstructing Jermaine Taylor's driver to the dunk of the night, Craig Smith (?!) threw up a nasty on-the-court face palm. It was an obvious attempt to steal Taylor's highlight moment, and I think Smith's effort should be honored!

Anonymous Hellshocked said...
I don't think there is any question that Derrick Rose is overrated. He has been a conundrum to me: unselfish but posesses mediocre court vision, a fantastic athlete who refuses to get to the free throw line or play any defense. Despite some star-type games, mostly in last year's epic series against the Celtics, I find that his game thus far has resembled a point guard version of Vince Carter's (long twos, avoiding contact like the plague, the occasional super aggressive play that reminds me of how great he could be and infuriates me because he doesn't do it more often, lacksaidical defense) than that of the players he is more typically compared to.

Personally, I'd rank Nash, Paul, Kidd, Williams, Rondo, Billups and even Andre Miller (who I am not a fan of) way above him this season, even in the cases where Rose's numbers might be better.

As for younger players, I'm going to go out on a limb and say I'd rather have Stephen Curry running my team than Derrick Rose.

I'm not a "hater", but for whatever reason Rose has never struck me as that "take over the damn team and be responsable for running it" kind of 1, he seems quite content to be just another guard out there, albeit one who is rather talented and handles the ball much more than the rest of his teammates.

Anonymous Sorbo said...
Hey Lebron, like your scoring title, I could bang strippers and models all I want, I just choose not to, because of my teammates (i.e. my wife).

What an asshole thing to say, Crabcake. I ask you guys, is Lebron becoming an asshole because the league/the Cavs want him to be the super-duper marketable star (and allowing him to get away with this crap) or is he just becoming cocky because he's that good? I sense Shaq rubbing off on him (and not in a dirty way)?

Blogger Caleb Smith said...
I find Lebron to be pretty douchy... but that particular comment? For some reason it didn't bother me at all.

And I believe he's right.

Blogger Basketbawful said...
Is it possible for LeBron to publicly say *anything* that doesn't make him even more hate-able? Even removing whatever quote cherry picking there may be to be posted on a site like this, he seems to be incapable of not sounding like a douche.

LeBron is living in a world that has been exclusively tailored for him, and he's been living there since he was, what, a freshman in high school? It would be literally impossible for a young man to be treated like The King by everyone around him (and the media) during his formative years and going forward without developing such a titanic ego.

And although there have been "haters" for sure, LeBron has never suffered the kind of scrutiny that, say, Kobe did. Which is why Kobe's arrogance always has a sense of challenge and wariness to it. In many ways, Kobe is trying to prove and re-prove himself every time he steps on the court. 'Bron seems to feel his place as the NBA's preeminent superstar is already chiseled in stone. No...stone isn't good enough for him. Marble maybe.

Blogger Ash said...
If it was all about scoring and not winning, Carmelo, Kobe, or Durantula would be winning the scoring title. LeBron would be up there, but he doesn't know how to score on double- and triple-teams yet. Kobe scored 81 on triple teams.

LeBron knows how to pass out of triple teams (and he does it very well), but he doesn't yet know how to score on them. Two different skills.

Blogger XForce23 said...
While I agree with pretty much everything that everyone has said about LeBron, I think a lot of us are being ruffled up about this because we know that it really is true.
Of course there is his attitude too, which is also a big reason why a lot of people do not like him, but it doesn't change the fact that his bravado is not empty talk, but in fact quite the opposite.

Blogger Dooj said...
Wait so the Rockets had 33 assists among their big 3 and still lost?

Blogger Unknown said...
Normally, I'd reply to your explanation with "that's no excuse" but every once in a while it really does hit me how even the lowest profile, non-superstar player in a professional sport lives a life most of us can't really imagine. It's exponentially more intense with somebody in his position.

Doesn't mitigate any of my hate for his character, though. Plenty of athletes have gotten the kind of treatment he has, probably even at the same intensity, and have managed to at least pretend to have some humility.

Blogger Austen said...
Just out of curiosity, if the Mavericks are The Final Guy and the Nuggets are The Final Girl, who are the Jazz? You look at the standings, and they're right there with both of them in a 3-way tie right now with a good chance at landing the 2nd or 3rd Seeds by Season's end.

Blogger Cortez said...
"Hey Lebron, like your scoring title, I could bang strippers and models all I want, I just choose not to, because of my teammates"

Probably not.

...not without paying for it, that is. There's a significant difference.

As for the James and the scoring title, that's probably true but, so what?

It's like an attractive person who's always talking about how attractive they are. Yeah, it's true but no one needed ,or even cared, to hear you to say that shit out loud.

Blogger Basketbawful said...
Just out of curiosity, if the Mavericks are The Final Guy and the Nuggets are The Final Girl, who are the Jazz? You look at the standings, and they're right there with both of them in a 3-way tie right now with a good chance at landing the 2nd or 3rd Seeds by Season's end.

The Jazz are like that character who isn't all that spectacular but is still kind of cool and you fool yourself into thinking, "Hey, I sorta like that dude/chick, maybe they'll make it thro..." and then they're dead.

Anonymous Matt said...
LeBron knows how to pass out of triple teams (and he does it very well), but he doesn't yet know how to score on them. Two different skills.

Isn't that basically what he's saying, though? That if he wanted to, he could score on some those triple teams (and win a scoring title) but instead passes out of them because it gives his team a better chance to win?

And it is making me angry that the most times I've ever commented in a bawful thread have an end result of me, at least in a roundabout way, defending LeBron. Now I'm going to have to go and take another shower.

Blogger Viscant said...
As a Laker fan I honestly think Lebron is right. We all have this image of who Kobe is based on who he used to be, but as someone who's watched every Laker game this year, that's just not who Kobe is anymore. He can't drive and take contact anymore. Lebron probably converts 4-5 layups/dunks per game that would knock Kobe into the 4th row. That's not hating on Kobe, that's just physics. Maybe in 05-06 Kobe could shrug those shots off and still finish, but that's not who Kobe is anymore. He drives into the paint to pass and to set up turnaround jumpers, not to get dunks and layups.

Maybe Kobe really could still turn back the clock if he really wants to and needs to and maybe we'll see him put his body on the line in the Finals when he feels like it's time to go all in. But there's just no way he can do that 82 games a year. The way Kobe's played this year, I worry that he's a lot closer to the end than people realize. He's still playing at a really high level and I still want to slap stat-heads who say that Gasol/Odom are the reasons the Lakers win, but Kobe just isn't THE MAN anymore.

Now, to echo Matt's comments, after defending Lebron's ego, I'm off to shower in bleach.

Anonymous Anonymous said...
Shawn Bradley running for Office? wow!

Anonymous Sorbo said...
Sorry Cortez, guess I didn't make it clear that I was telling a sarcastic joke. Next time I'll put a winking emotocon.

About Lebron's quote, it's just annoying that he's stating the obvious. Really LeBron, teams that share win championships? The hell you say? Next thing he'll tell me is that Jordan was the greatest player of all time.

I used to really like Lebron, but ever since his 60 Minutes interview and the stories on the "countdown to 2010 free agency," he's gotten really annoying. He just seems overexposed, overinflated, and cocky. And people, including LeBron himself, act like we've never seen a player of his size and skill before. But compare his weight/height to Magic in his prime: 6'9", 250 lbs. They're the same size, speed, skill, even have very similar playing styles (monsters on the open court, but big enough to pound guys and get points in the paint). The differences are that Magic had a better supporting cast and more post moves, while LeBron is more athletic with a stronger perimeter game and a drive and dish style (when he "chooses" to dish, anyway).

Magic's career line: 19 ppg/12 apg/7 rpg
Lebron's line: 27/7/7

If Magic pockets those five extra assists per game and tries to score, he has the same line as Lebron.

Anonymous Anonymous said...
Monta Ellis thinks he's better than LeBron

“I’m going to say LeBron James [third],” Ellis said recently. “He can do it all, pass, score, defend, block shots. No. 2, I would have to say, me. I can do a whole lot of things: defend, score, make passes, do whatever I need to do.

He thinks Kobe is number 1 though

“No. 1, I’d say Kobe Bryant. There isn’t one player that can stop Kobe one-on-one. He has a lot of stuff. He can defend. And of course, he won four championships.”

Wait, someone on the Warriors knows how to defend? Are you serious Monta?;_ylt=Am64W7JidIjFnppaH.nn_0i8vLYF?slug=mc-afterthebuzzer032610&prov=yhoo&type=lgns

Anonymous Karc said...
Is this the same Monta Ellis who was bitch-slapped by the Lakers 2 weeks ago, while the little brother that he's been abusing all season (Steph Curry) almost carried the Warriors to a win over the Lakers?

I've been staying away from the basketball threads most of the season for a reason. It's just incredibly easy to hate NBA players, even on teams that have difficult situations. I root for George Karl to get better, but that's about it. Seriously, if it comes down to Lakers-Cavs in the Finals, I want Kratos to run in there and slice both teams to oblivion, or at least punch LeBron in the face (if you've played God of War 3, you know what kind of punching I'm talking about).

BTW, Bawful, when are you going to post the Western half of the "30 reasons the NBA sucks this season?"

Anonymous PK said...
I think what most people have a problem with Lebron is his sportsmanship. Between the sulking when things aren't going his way (not shaking hands, temper tantrums etc) and being over the top when they are (dancing during blow-outs etc, he just doesn't come across as a guy the Average Joe can like. Whether you like or hate Kobe (and I hate him), he hardly ever says anything (anymore) in public that makes you hate him. It's more whatever everyone else (the media mainly) says about him and the way he carries himself (SWAC, arrogance, he's a Laker) that everyone has a problem with.

On the other hand, if Wade talks him into signing with Miami this year, how do you vomit and root for the guy at the same time??

Also, side note on the TNT broadcast for the Miami/Chicago game last night, I love this line from Charles when Kenny was talking about Beasley:

Kenny - I can see why Beasley struggles for consistency with Miami. He asked to play without the ball in his hands when he has most likely had it in his hands most of his career. Set screens, move without the basketball, play defence...

Charles - What?? Like a basketball player??

Anonymous Anonymous said...
Sorry, I loathe Kobe too, but Cristiano Ronaldo is the world's biggest asshole: