Pitino and Calipari
The most awkward March Madness tribute I could find
(Via Andy Gray's SI Vault)

I'm back! After my trip to Reno for a bowling tournament, I got home, slept for three hours, and went to work. After work, I immediately went bowling again in my Tuesday night league. After about two frames, I suddenly began to feel like a steaming bag of dog shit.

Perhaps it had something to do with the combined effort of a) traveling through three time zones, b) losing an hour of sleep thanks to Daylight Savings Time, c) being stuck on a Boeing 737 for several hours with just shy of two hundred other people, and d) getting six hours of sleep in three days thanks to airline flights and hotel neighbors that fought loudly for 36 straight hours.

In any event, I spent the last few days legitimately sick (NOT suffering from "flu-like symptoms"). So, um, did I miss anything?

Worst of the Weekend in Pictures:

Vinsanity hard at work... at something...

Somehow, Birdman manages to get uglier each and every day

Meanwhile, Stan Van Gundy continues his transformation into a cartoon character

Nationally Televised Friday Games:
Celtics at Rockets: This is the first of an eight-game stretch of Western Conference opponents for the Celtics. Feel free to join me in saying "ruh roh."

All The Other Friday Games:
Pistons at Pacers: Somehow the Pacers have won four straight over the Pistons. However, Danny Granger is out. You have my sympathy, Indianapolis. (Wait a second, no, no you don't. You're Indianapolis. You stole my team. You can burn in Hell.)

Thunder at Raptors: The Craptors have not won consecutive games in a month. That is all.

Bobcats at Hawks: Does anyone else cringe each and every time they see Captain Jack's quote that "We're playing like we want to be a playoff team?" It just reeks so badly of Devin Harris last year...

76ers at Knicks: The Bricks haven't beaten the Seventy Suxorz three games in a row since 2004. Well, at least they have something to play for today.

Crabs at Bulls: Is it OK if I go ahead and just decree this the 25th straight victory against teams with losing records for the Crabs? There is no freaking way I stat curse this one, right?

Warriors at Spurs: The other night when I was sick as a dog and lying in bed, I tried to watch some of the Spurs game to cheer me up. Seeing Tim Duncan go 1-for-10 from the field just made me feel worse. Ugggghhhhhh.

Jazz at Suns: No Deron Williams? No AK47? No Wesley Matthews? OUCH. It's going really hurt when the Suns try to blow this one just to annoy me.

Wizards Generals Bullets at Frail Blazers: The Blazers are 41-28... and barely in the playoffs. How long until the Western and Eastern conferences get more balanced? This is insane.

Bucks at Kings: The last time the "red-hot" Bucks faced a trap game, they dropped like an anvil in a Looney Tunes cartoon to the Clippers. Please please please tell me they will be more prepared for the Purple Paupers than that.

Timberwolves at Lakers: Triangle Offense versus Vaugely Triangularly Shaped Offense! If you don't get excited for that kind of matchup, you must be dead inside. Or have good taste in basketball. Not sure which.

* * *

Nationally Televised Saturday Games:
Hornets at Jazz: The battle for the rightful owner of the "Jazz" name!

All The Other Saturday Games:
Bulls at 76ers: Did you know that as of Thursday night's games, the Bulls are on a longer losing streak than the Nyets? Hey, is that Matt McHale: Technical Writer? Somebody stop him before he runs in front of that train!!!

Bobcats at Heat: Yes, I'm sure Michael Jordan's powerful ownership will be just the thing the Bobcats need to push them to the next level. Cough.

Raptors at : Come on Craptors, play just a little defense! Please??

Warriors at Grizzlies: Remember when we actually thought the Grizzlies might sneak their way into the playoffs? Nice to see we aren't all delusional anymore.

Celtics at Mavericks: Oh, damn it all. (I don't care if the Celtics are 3rd in the East still. That's not the point.)

Bucks at Nuggets: The John Salmons Era meets Mr. Big Shot. Who will win?!

* * *

Nationally Televised Sunday Games:
Spurs at Hawks: It's hard to believe this game is so close. Just two years ago, you pick the Spurs without thinking twice, right?

Frail Blazers at Suns: A legitimate playoff battle shown on national TV late in the season? Hey, I'm just as surprised as you are.

All The Other Sunday Games:
Rockets at Knicks: It's hard to believe this game is close as well! I feel sorry for Daryl Morey, I really do.

Thunder at Pacers: If there is any story that sums up the Pacers' season, it has to be this one.
Kings at Clippers: Is there anything about this game that does not make me want to impale myself on a rusted piece of iron? I'm seriously having an internal debate here, people.

Pistons at Crabs: Is it time for another King Crab triple double already?

Wizards Generals Bullets at Lakers: Man, this game is going to be a shootout. Erm, I mean it's going to be a massacre. Erm, I mean the Lakers will murder the Bullets. Erm, I can't stop making horrible gun-related jokes at Gilbert Arenas' expense. (It's good to be back.)

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Blogger chris said...
It's sad that I see your preview for Paupers-Clippers and realize that yes, the purple ones have LOST to the Team That Is Who We Thought They Were this season.


Anonymous <--Coolguy said...
So as of late I have been re posting the funny ass videos from Bawful on my facebook, and lemme tell you i've become quite the celebrity facebook. where would i be without you bawful?

Blogger chris said...
So the Kings are leading the John Salmons Era Bucks with a minute to go...

Brandon Jennings makes it close with a BLATANT crab dribble move, and then it becomes a double-overtime game (with Tyreke being absent for most of the first overtime, due to falling hard and bleeding).

And then apparently John Salmons becomes unguardable after the trade deadline, so...yeah, the paupers lose again.


Anonymous Istvan said...
I missed your column, Dan B.

Anonymous Hajt said...
Blazers Wizards boxscore may make your eyes bleed.

Blazers win 76-74 while shooting 32% off of a Roy buzzer beater.
After going 3-3 for the Blazers first 3 fieldgoals, Roy missed 14 straight shots before the final shot.

They were 1 miss away from having the worst shooting percentage of a winning team this season, edged out by a 32-100 performance by the Paupers over Houston.

Blogger zyth said...
either it's the refs (who,by the way, whined a lot about being soooo gooood and not getting paid for it) or Roy just entered the level of lebron. a buzzerbeating travel against washington.

Blogger Dan B. said...
Istvan -- And I missed writing it for you guys. :)

Blogger Dan B. said...
Andrew Bynum is hurt again???? INCONCEIVABLE!

Blogger Dan B. said...
I hate to post three straight comments, but had to pass along this quote. From the John Wall vs. Evan Turner draft debate:

Another GM said Turner could eventually compare to Atlanta Hawks guard Joe Johnson, at best. Wall’s upside, he said, is too much to pass on because Wall could quickly become one of the top five point guards in the league.

“If you miss on John Wall, the worst you get is Derrick Rose,” the GM said. “If you miss on Evan Turner, you get Larry Hughes.”


Blogger ben said...
Unintentional dirty quote machine: "Andre (Miller) did come in to the man before he went for the ball." - Blazers broadcaster Mike Rice

Anonymous Chuck DeBruce said...
It´s Rockets vs. T-MEC (Tracy McGrady's Expiring Contract)! Classic revenge game, guys.

Blogger Ash said...
John Salmons has always been a good scorer. The problem was the Bulls coaching...

Blogger chris said...
Ash B: And guess which team just posted its 14th win since the deadline with its seafood scoring threat.

Apparently - someone please score a YT of this - the tide turned when a Nuggets comeback was halted by Birdman missing a dunk. That sounds epic.

Anonymous Anonymous said...
Is it me or does Birdman look like the male Janine Lindemulder in that pic? If you don't know who that is, search nsfw.

Blogger Unknown said...

Diantoni dissing Jordan Hill as a "bad rookie" before the ROCKETS-knicks game. Hill proceeded to insert is foot into his former coaches ass.

Blogger Unknown said...
ESPN talking about how Mario West is a feel good story.

Blogger Mike said...
Lakers pistol-whipping the Bullets right now. It's probably a good thing that I'm not a headline writer.

Anonymous Anonymous said...
L.A. Times decided that the Purple Paupers beat the Clippers by using champagne:


Blogger chris said...
Hajt: Think of how little effort it takes for Mario to earn money. Don't we all wish our Clark Kent jobs could pay us out so efficiently?