Warning: Looking directly at this picture may cause temporary vision loss.

The Chicago Bulls: Just last week, the Bulls made NBA history by becoming the first team to ever win five consecutive games against winning teams on a single road trip. I repeat: No other team in the history of this grand league has ever accomplished that feat. Not the 60s era Celtics who won 11 championships in 13 seasons. Not the 1971-72 Lakers who won 33 straight games. No Larry Bird team did it, no Magic Johnson team did it, not even the Michael Jordan-led Bulls squad that won a league record 72 games did it.

That's damn impressive...which is why seeing them follow up that achievement by losing at home to the Los Angeles Clippers felt like watching my grandma have sex with Bigfoot. It was nauseating and mind-bending, but I could not look away. Chicago shot 38 percent from the field and gave up 26 points on 20 turnovers. And those numbers cannot do justice to the ugly-ass basketball the Bulls played. The play that best epitomized this gak-fest was when Luol Deng dribbled the ball for 10 seconds and then tried to shoot over an "in-his-face" Marcus Camby, who of course swatted the shot.

What happened to that "us against the world" mentality that carried them through a tough seven-game Western Conference road trip? The Bulls came out flat and, at times, looked intimidated by the Clippers' 18th ranked defense. Camby (11 points, 9 rebounds, 4 steals, 4 blocks) was an impenetrable wall. Chris Kaman (21 points, 11 boards) was a bully. And the Chicago players apparently needed a map to locate Eric Goron (a game-high 24 points, including 18 in the first half). Ditto for Rasual Butler (16 points, 6-for-8, 3-for-3 from downtown).

Said Derick Rose: "We were just making bad plays, making bad decisions. It was tough the whole night."

Added Captain Kirk: "We were doing what it takes to win on the road. Tonight we lacked intensity and got beat for it."

Admitted Joakim Noah: "We didn't come with the right energy."

Concluded Vinny Del Negro: "We're not a team that can take anyone lightly. When your top players don't play well, it's hard to beat good teams. It's hard to beat any team, for that matter."

Thanks, co-captains obvious. As Basketbawful reader mguard put it: "For the Bulls dismal performance against the Clippers, I think they deserve a 'we are who they thought they were.' I mean WTF BULLS? They pulls off this miraculous five-game road winning streak to come home flat like this against the CLIPPERS? Someone please explain how the potent team chemistry of the Clippers has the Bulls number? It's just really disappointing."

No kidding. If you want more fun facts from this not-so-fun loss, I know of this great Bulls blog...

The Memphis Grizzlies: Hm. Second night of back-to-backs...on the road against the league's best team...you know where I'm going with this right? The Griz fell behind by 12 points after one quarter, by 18 at halftime, and by 24 after three quarters and eventually lost 105-89.


Led by Zach Randolph's 3-for-14 stink bomb, Memphis shot 38 percent for the game and missed 12 of their 14 three-point attempts. Z-Bo also managed only 4 rebounds and had a game-high 5 turnovers (versus zero assists).

To Grizzlies coach Lionel Hollins' credit, he refused to blame his team's weary legs: "Last night had nothing to do with tonight. Tonight had to do with the Cleveland Cavaliers and what they did defensively and what they did offensively."

"What they did offensively"...yes...King Crab had 15 assists and The Big Geritol (13 points, 13 boards, 4 blocked shots) dominated Randolph and Marc Gasol during a second-quarter stretch in which he scored seven straight points and then found LeBron for a layup. Tired teams sure do have a way of turning back the hands of time. Or was Shaq laying like a giant, bloated snake in the grass all along...

LeBron James, quote machine: "[Shaq] looks great. He's motivated. When Mo and Delonte went down he decided to step his game up, which we knew he could do. He's just playing with a little bounce in his step that he didn't have at the start. But he had a different mindset than we all thought. We all thought he was playing slow, he was just saving himself for the second half of the season. He tricked all of us, I guess."

Wait...was that a compliment? Or a backhanded dis? I can't quite tell.

The Toronto Craptors: Now these are the Craptors we know and love...to make fun of. The Dinos gave up 130 points on 52+ percent shooting to one of the worst offensive teams in the league. Huzzah! Huzzah, I say!

By the way, those 130 points represented a season high in scoring for the Pacers, who had notched fewer than 100 points in six of their previous nine games. Their 50 points in the paint were also a season-best. Oh, and this game was just the fifth time the Indy shot better than 50 percent this season. Wait, wait, one more. The Pacers shot 76 percent and scored 42 points in the third, one point short of their season high for a single period.

Craptors = Defensive Fail.

What a way to waste Andrea Bargnani's career-high 34 points.

Jarrett Jack, explanation machine: On why his team played so craptastically against the usually craptastic Pacers: "The reason we came out the way we did, I don't know exactly why." Well, thanks for clearing that up.

Jack facepalms
Pictured: A facepalm of puzzlement.

Jim O'Brien (??): The Pacers coach had to miss the game due to a family funeral, and the team inexplicably rallied around assistant coach Lester Connor.

Said Connor: "The guys gave me all they wanted, and I said, 'Hey, you guys are telling me congratulations, it's congratulations to you because you guys needed this more than I did.' When the substitute teacher is around, you want to try to do good or try to test him to see what he has. Those guys went out and played their hearts out."

Meanwhile, the players said they wanted to win for Conner.

Said Troy Murphy: "Les is a lot of fun, he's a great assistant coach. He's a guy you can always talk to and he's a good dude. We're happy he got the win."

Uhm...shouldn't the Pacers always want to win, both for their head coach and for themselves?

The Milwaukee Bucks: Hm. Second night of back-to-backs...on the road against one of the league's best teams...you know where I'm going with this right? The Bucks clobberated the Heat in Miami on Monday and then got clobberated themselves against the Magic in Orlando.

The "storyline" of this game was the "return" of Vinsanity, who had 17 points, 10 rebounds and 7 assists while going 7-for-15 from the field. That's not a great shooting night by normal standards, but it's great based on what Carter did in January...when he shot 28 percent from the field.

Said Vince: "Maybe January just wasn't my month."

Carter wasn't done. When asked if he was motivated to play well because of his recent slumpiness, Vince said: "Yeah, to keep you guys off my back. ... Most of the frustration comes from everybody always harping on it. And I understand that, the different facets of the game and what comes with it. I just say keep playing."

Stan Van Gundy, fluff machine: Ron Jeremy's evil twin was almost ready to blow Vince for having his firt good game in, what, forever? Said Stan: "He has to remember who he is. He's had one bad month, but he has had an unbelievable career."

Unbelievable? Really?! What does he have on his resume other than "Former Slan Dunk Champ"? Heck, Nate Robinson's resume looks almost as good.

The New Jersey Nyets: The tragic comedy of the 2009-10 New Jersey Nyets continued with a 97-93 home loss to the Detroit Pistons, who had lost five in a row and looked like the worst team in the league doing so. Mind you, the Pistons have scored fewer than 100 points in 23 of their last 24 games, and they've shot under 50 percent in 24 straight games. But the Nyets proved that there's only one worst team in the league...and its located in New Jersey.

It was yet another kick in the balls for what may end up being the worst team in NBA history. Brook Lopez finished with 27 points (11-of-16) and Devin Harris returned from a four-game layoff to score 24 points and dish out a season-high 14 assists, but the Nyets missed six of their last seven shots and were outscored 10-2 in the final 2:22.

Said Jarvis Hayes: "We definitely have to learn how to win."

Yeah. Definitely.

Rip Hamilton and Ben Wallace, hope machines: The Pistons "improved" their record to a lowly 16-31 last night, and, amazingly, they actually sounded hope-y afterwards.

Said The Phantom of Auburn Hills: "We're far from done. This is not over. We just have to get healthy. When you have all your guys, it takes a load off your shoulders. Now, we just have to play together a little, get some chemistry and we'll be all right."

Added Big Ben: "We just need to get a couple of wins to get us going. This is a good start. If we play at a high level, good things will happen. We're still searching for a rhythm and still building that chemistry. Once we get on the same page, we'll be fine."

Reality check: You guys needed a series of clutch plays and a complete shooting meltdown by your opponents to pull out a last-minute win over a team that's 4-43. Am I missing something?

The Atlanta Hawks: Yes, the Hawks are a good team this season. Some nights, they're even very good. But last night's 106-99 loss to the Thunder in Oklahoma City was the sixth loss in their last eight road games. On the season, they're 11-12 outside of Atlanta. Legit contenders can win on the road...and that's where the Hawks are still pretty shaky.

Said Atlanta coach Mike Woodson: "We just couldn't get stops. Defensively right now and rebounding the basketball, we're struggling in those two areas and those are the main two areas that you've got to be clicking to win games, especially on the road."

By the way, Kevin Durant (33 points, 9-for-18 from the field, 14-for-14 from the line) became the first player since Allen Iverson nine seasons ago to score at least 25 points in 22 consecutive games. Sorry, Frail Blazer fans.

The Gol_en State Warriors: After going 7-9 in their previous 16 games -- all of which were decided by 10 points or less -- the Rockets shot 50 percent from the field, scored 56 points in the paint, led by as many as 28 and ended up winning 119-97.

Man, it must feel great to match up against a team that wouldn't play defense if the fate of their wives and mistresses depended on it.

Said Stephen Curry: "We couldn't find it offensively. For us to be competitive, we have to be able to make plays and we didn't."

Uh, Stephen, offense is not your team's problem, okay? Letting the Rockets score 39 points in the first quarter...now that's a problem.

The Insanity of the ESPN Trade Machine: Crazy, stuff...just crazy.

Lacktion report: Chris took a short break from generating trades to report the Tuesday night lacktion:

Raptors-Pacers: Patrick O'Bryant has had fewer opportunities to lack it up lately in the land before time, but this time tossed a brick in 1:25 for a +1. (To put it in perspective how rarely he has been out there to avoid contribution, O'Bryant - who was supposed to lead Toronto's Little Three of Lacktivity last year with Jake Voskuhl and Nathan Jawai - is the 182nd player in the Association this year to make the ledger, and the 155th to record a suck differential!)

Pistons-Nyets: Kwame Brown negated a steal and board in 6:26 with a foul and giveaway for a 2:1 Voskuhl.

Clippers-Bulls: Bobby Brown crooned a tune in Mario Paint in just 43 seconds!

Warriors-Rockets: With Clutch the Bear dancing in celebration tonight, Joey Dorsey lost the rock once in 2:33 for a +1 (and a 1:0 Madsen-level Voskuhl) while Brian Cook also earned the same suck differential in the same timespan via brick.

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Anonymous Anonymous said...
Hilarious quote from the Denver Post. Coach Karl on the J.R Smith, "...but 'after our meeting, I felt that some of his angst toward me was that I didn't touch him enough..." If only I had a manlove picture to accompany this.

Blogger AnacondaHL said...
It's really odd that many of the teams tanking for John Wall already have established point guards. Please let Minnesota win the lottery, for maximum hilarity, tia.

wv: flylen. Minny probably shouldn't have drafted Johnny flylen. Or should have invested money in weather control to convince someone to move from Spain to Minnesota.

Anonymous Lucas said...
Curse you and your typos Mr. Bawful! My poor caffeine deprived brain just spent 10 minutes trying to figure out who the hell Eric Goron is.

Blogger Dunpizzle said...
Best trade ever. I have no doubts Morey can pull this off


Blogger Dan B. said...
AnacondaHL -- If Minnesota drafts John Wall, I will lose my shit. First off, I don't want to see Wall's talents wasted at a crappy team like that. But more importantly, it'd just be goddamn hilarious, of course.

Blogger AnacondaHL said...
Hey, check out this story from the POR at DAL game:

When loving the Trail Blazers' Rudy Fernandez goes too far: A security breach in Dallas

During a timeout with 41 seconds left in regulation, two women walked onto the court and into the Trail Blazers huddle. One woman wrapped her arms around the waist of Blazers guard Rudy Fernandez from behind. Fernandez, who was not in the game but focused on the plays being diagrammed by coach Nate McMillan, was stunned.

“I was surprised,’’ Fernandez said. “I was listening to the coach on the bench and behind me, she touches me and says, ‘Rudy, I love you. Nice to meet you. Good game.’

“I said, ‘What?’’’

Blazers guard Jerryd Bayless, who was on the perimeter of the huddle, said he saw the whole event transpire.

“They were drunk, obviously,’’ Bayless said. “I was actually close to Rudy, but when I saw them coming, and once they got onto the court, I stepped back.’’

The women were ushered away from the huddle, and amazingly allowed to return to their courtside seats under the basket and watch the remainder of the game, which went to overtime.

See, Bayless did the right thing. Having gone to U of A, he is practiced in managing situations with hot drunk crazies!

Blogger ponderguy said...

Increases the Nets wins by 20!!!!
Although they dump their entire roster... thats right. They're 20 wins better with 5 players on their team. Bron Bron, Melo, Kobe, Kris Humphries and Chris Quinn. Rather intimidating no?

Blogger chris said...
Bawful, I'll take painful losses against under-.500 teams if that means winning 4 or 5 straight otherwise, as opposed to the Kings' continued love of Losses That Aren't As "Bad" As Others, that have now become losses that are as painful as any other.

It's as if the Kings' good mojo went to the Bulls after that December night at the United Center.

Blogger chris said...
Amandus: I'm more amazed that the Lakers are only ONE WIN WORSE without Kobe and with a bunch of Nyets!!!!

Blogger Andrei said...
chris: At least in the trade the Lakers get Lopez and Harris to offset the loss of Kobe. In the proposed deal the Cavs only lose 8 more games if they swap LeBron straight up for Bobby freaking Simmons.

Blogger ponderguy said...
The biggest shocker for me was seeing that taking away Melo was -14 wins...

Blogger chris said...
AHL: The part that perplexes me is...I didn't know Rudy Fernandez had THAT much appeal!!!!

Anonymous kazam92 said...
"Unbelievable? Really?! What does he have on his resume other than "Former Slam Dunk Champ"? Heck, Nate Robinson's resume looks almost as good."

I dont know. To me being a 25-5-5 guy in your prime without ever giving a shit is an accomplishment

Blogger Ash said...
chris... oh yeah. All the girls I've ever made watch basketball think Rudy is hot. Don't ask me.

They love Pau, too.

Blogger Basketbawful said...
I dont know. To me being a 25-5-5 guy in your prime without ever giving a shit is an accomplishment

An accomplishment...that's one way to look at it. A complete fucking waste is another way.

Blogger chris said...
Bawful: Comparing Vinsanity to Spencer Haywood, at least the latter can't be accused of "not caring," though he can absolutely be called out for "caring way too much!"

Blogger chris said...
Speaking of Haywood's 1980 oversensitivity, here's a LA Times piece from 1988 on it.

And guess what his last Association team (appropriately) was - yep, the same organization that produced Crittenton and Hibachi!!!!!!!!!

Anonymous kazam92 said...
oh I'm not denying that he was ultimately a waste. Its just like saying without trying I can bench press 300 lbs but if I actually put some effort into it I can break world records. Thats VC to me.

and he is killing my fantasy team. I was ready to outright drop him until yesterday

Blogger chris said...
And a 2006 interview in Slam Magazine with Woody.

While he doesn't quite mention his insane plan from the 1980 finals, he offers some insight into maybe why he was so ticked:

SLAM: What was your low point?
HAYWOOD: I was kicked off the Lakers for the final three games of the ’80 Championship Series because I went to [Coach Paul] Westhead and said, “I have a problem, and I need some help.” And they went, “Ah ha! You admitted it! We got you now.” And they kicked me off, when I wanted to finish the Series then get some help. You have to understand the times: a lot of people were doing cocaine. I mean, I had used with eight guys on the Lakers. The NBA started letting everyone get help but me, because of my background.

And then, these players, led by Magic -- who came in under the Spencer Haywood rule – voted me out of my playoff share. I played 76 regular-season games and all the playoffs except the last three games and they voted me no share. And the NBA Player’s Association allowed this to happen. Years later, I sat down with Magic, Kareem, Jamaal Wilkes and Norm Nixon and they said, “You were doing so much that we thought you might die if you had the money and live if we delayed it.” And there’s something to be said for that, because I was very sick. This is my 14th year of sobriety now, and that’s a lot of meetings and church and praying, so you learn to accept a lot about yourself. It gets a little easier, but it’s a tricky disease.

Anonymous Anonymous said...
Anyone want to bet execs from the Wolves, Nyets, Clippers and GS Warriors are frantically using that trade engine for inspiration? McHale is so pissed that this things wasn't here for him to use...

By the same note, I give it a one in three chance Stern is tracking IP addresses of people that use it, and if it comes from a team office his finger starts twiching over the Stern Button while Stu Jackson anxiously wrings his hands behind him.

Anonymous katonk said...
I nominate Basketbawful for an unintentional dirty quote in today's Worst of the Night. In the Stan Van Gundy, fluff machine comments...

"Ron Jeremy's evil twin was almost ready to blow Vince for having his firt good game in, what, forever?

Thanks for pointing that out, Bawful... I'm now especially glad I missed that post-game interview.

Blogger Basketbawful said...
And guess what his last Association team (appropriately) was - yep, the same organization that produced Crittenton and Hibachi!!!!!!!!!

And, once again, history repeats itself...

Blogger Dan B. said...
katonk -- It's not an unintentionally dirty quote if it's intentional. Stan Van Gundy was like ten seconds away from unzipping Vinsanity's pants and performing oral sex on him.

Blogger Basketbawful said...
I nominate Basketbawful for an unintentional dirty quote in today's Worst of the Night. In the Stan Van Gundy, fluff machine comments...

Actually, you should nominate me for intentionally dirty quote machine, since I meant to do that. Fluffing, blowing, Ron Jeremy...that was today's porn-themed entry.

Blogger chris said...
Bafwul: It's amazing that what Haywood did was the Spree-Carleisimo of his generation, and yet it has been forgotten.

Somehow, if that EVER happened today, well...

1. the Spree precedent would prevent a contract from being voided
2. what Gilbert/Javaris are receiving in suspension now will pale in comparison (theoretically.)
3. so will the NBAPA EVER allow a team to snub a player's playoff share, even for supposedly humanitarian reasons, again?

Blogger BJ said...
Bronze him and call him The Unthinker.