Mr. T
Your current status: Pitied, fool!

Basketbawful called me up, said fools were being unpitied and jibba-jabba was going unchallenged! Well, no mo', suckas. Mr. T is here to change all that.

Greg Oden: A few years ago, some fool tried to give me one 'a those health sammiches from Subway. I took one bite 'a that thing and said, "Where's the meat? This sandwich is full of weeds! I ain't eatin' nothing I don't understand!" Well, when I made that request for meat, NSFW pictures of Greg Oden was not what I was askin' for, chumps!

I know it goes without sayin'...but I pity the fool that's gotta call a press conference to explain how his penis ended up on the Internet.


The Washington Wizards Generals Bullets: People ask what gives me the authority to give advice? I say, First of all, I don't give advice. Dr Phil gives advice. Mr T helps people. I motivate them, I inspire them, I give them hope, and I plant the seed so they can feel good about themselves. Hear me?!

Well, there ain't a damn thing I can say that's gonna make these chumps feel good about themselves. That'd be like tellin' the people who went down on the Titanic, "Don't worry, more boats are on the way, they'll be here right after you die of hypofreezia or whateve'."

Forget the fact that the Bullets let the Lakers shoot damn near 60 percent from the field. Those fools got owned by Shannon Brown. There ain't no shame in gettin' owned by Kobe Bryant. Dude is a former MVP. But Shannon Brown? They even let that dude sneak in and dunk a missed free throw. Take it from T: That's sad.


After the game, Antawn Jamison talked about how his team is without Gilbert Arenas and that other sucka who brought a gun into the team's locker room: "We've been through some crazy stuff that don't normally happen. I wish both guys could come back and play, but as a team, we've got to deal with what we have."

You know how Mr. T feels about excuses...I pity the fools who make 'em.

The Minnesota Timberwolves: What kind 'a chumps lose by 27 to a team that just lost by 50 the other night? These chumps, that's who. The Timberfools let the Knicks hit 17 threes. Teams who can't lift up their damn hands and get 'em in peoples faces don't even deserve pity. They deserve pain.

According to whatever sucka keeps track 'a this stuff, New York's 27-point win is the largest margin of victory in NBA history by a team coming off a 50-point loss. What's mo', the Knicks became the third NBA team to ever win by 20 or more the game after losing by 50. So I may not have any pity for the Timberfool, but history sho' does.

The Phoenix Suns: I remember one time I tried to pity this fool. He told me his name was Jeff. He was married. He pulled out his wallet and showed me three pictures of his kids; Kelly, Robert, Brittany. Real cute kids. Don't get too close man. It's hard to pity a fool if you get too close.

Well, that's how I feel about these chumps. I like the Suns. I like Steve Nash. I like Grant Hill. I don't like Amar''''''e Stoudemire. That's one fool I truly pity. But I like the rest 'a them guys. But after last night, the Suns have lost seven times in their last nine games, and they're 12-18 since starting the season 14-3. What's even more pitiable, the Bobcats came into this game 3-17 on the road. You gotta protect your home, fools!

You also gotta protect the ball. You can't be givin' up no 19 points off no 24 turnovers. Yeah, I'm talkin' to you, Steve (6 TOs), and you, Amar''''''e (5 TOs).

The Golden State Warriors: According to record-tracking suckas, the Kings came into this game having lost 14 of their last 16 games, and both of their wins came against the same chump team that was missin' one of their best players both times. As a kid, I got three meals a day. Oatmeal, miss-a-meal and no meal. Well, the Kings haven't even had that. They've been dieting on pity and failure.

Well, that's what the fool Warriors had for dinner last night. Those chumps shot 31 percent from the field, with Grand Master Chump Corey Maggette going 3-for-22. How does some fool end up going 3-for-22 anyway? When you ain't hitting shots, you stop shootin', fool! If I'm tryin' to punch people in the face, but I keep missing their faces, I'd do something else, like take out their knees, or maybe kick 'em the jimmies. Take it from T: You gotta diversify, fools!

Seriously, there were so many fools in this game, even Mr. T can't pity 'em all. So here's my official Warriors-Kings Pity List: Corey Maggette, Vladimir Radmanovic (0-for-1 in 7 minutes), Cartier Martin (6-for-15), Ronny Turiaf (ugly sumbitch), Anthony Tolliver (2-for-11), Kevin Martin (1-for-9)...and pretty much everybody else.

Lacktion report: My buddy Chris ain't no fool. Read his lacktion report or I will be forced to pity you!

Lakers-Bullets: Luke Walton clearly is blessed with better health than his famous father, as his knees did not explode under the load of a Koopa shell for a 2 second Super Mario! For Washington, Javale McGee fired back at the Hammer Brothers for a 30 second Mario.

Wolves-Knicks: Brian Cardinal fouled once in 3:31 for a +1 suck differential, while New York's Jordan Hill climbed a singular mountain of masonry for the same suck differential score in 1:10.

Bucks-Mavs: Jodie Meeks and Quinton Ross each tossed one brick from Fountain Place for a +1 - Meeks in 1:44 and Ross in 3:46.

Bobcats-Suns: In an overtime victory, DeSagana Diop and Stephen Graham celebrated with enough money to buy themselves vintage pairs of Air Jordans, with 5.2 trillion (5:14) and a 6.3 trillion (6:20) cashouts respectively!

Warriors-Kings: As Nellieball nearly caught the purple paupers napping in the second half AGAIN, until a bizarre foul call on Corey Maggette brought the boogie night to a close for East Oakland's non-defensive showcase (a showcase, which BTW, gave the Sacramento-era baby royals their BEST EVER rebounding performance as a team with 68!!!!!)...

Starting forward Vladimir Radmanovic tossed one brick, lost the rock once, and took a foul for a +3 in 7:18.

Speaking of Maggette, while he didn't lack it up - how can you with 19 points - he DID score a Dantley after baking masonry 19 out of 22 times from the field, but making a full 13 of 16 attempts from the stripe!

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46 Comments:
Blogger AnacondaHL said...
What the hell did we ever mention this article at this site? John Lucas admits organization wanted to tank for a chance at LeBron. Is the Summer of 2010 actually going to live upto the hype? Or derailed by early action on Feb 18th?

Blogger Basketbawful said...
Is the Summer of 2010 actually going to live upto the hype? Or derailed by early action on Feb 18th?

My gut tells me that it won't live up to the hype. My prediction: 'Bron stays in Cleveland, Wade stays in Miami, Amar''''''e leaves Phoenix and flops somewhere else, Bosh moves on, Joe Johnson stays in Atlanta.

Blogger chris said...
AnacondaHL: I DID post a link to it last week on BAD commentz as I recall...

Bawful: But what about the unsung free agents like Fabricio Oberto!?!?!?!?!?

Blogger Basketbawful said...
But what about the unsung free agents like Fabricio Oberto!?!?!?!?!?

I see the Fabulous Oberto signing with the Clippers. Wouldn't he be the perfect backup for Chris Kaveman?

Blogger chris said...
Bawful: I think there would be an epic hole in the time-space continuum if Oberto and Novak shared the floor (while Kaveman was busy taunting Pau Gasol instead of working on his hair).

Which is why I so want it to happen.

(And can they bring Cheikh Samb back in from overseas?!?!)

Blogger Dan B. said...
Simmons linked to this on Twitter a few minutes ago: thoughts on the Kings trying to play both Evans and Martin at the same time. Good read. Unless your Chris. Then it's depressing.

Anonymous Baal said...
am I the only one who is thinking "Why those this happen to Greg Oden... why not Candace Parker?"

Blogger chris said...
Dan B.: Looking at recent games, it seems more the only thing that isn't working about it...is K-Mart. Evans hasn't dipped in production the way that the blue light special is going 85% off on bricks (8 last night!!!).

For that matter, Martin made FEWER field goals than Maggette. Ouch.

Blogger DocZeus said...
No words on bawful legend, Paul Shirley, setting fire to every shred of good will he's ever engendered by telling Haiti to go suck it? For shame.

Blogger chris said...
And Dan, you'll love that the cast of Jersey Shore will be in the Meadowlands tonight!!!!!!

Somehow, even before this, I KNEW Clippers-Nyets was likely to be tonight's Basketbawful Game of the Night.

Blogger Basketbawful said...
No words on bawful legend, Paul Shirley, setting fire to every shred of good will he's ever engendered by telling Haiti to go suck it? For shame.

Does anybody remember when Shirley used to be whimsical and funny? Ever since his NBA career died, he has seemed angry and bitter. His blog, when he was with the Suns, was fun-spirited, but after he was dumped out of the arse of the Association, his writing turned mean-spirited. Too bad.

am I the only one who is thinking "Why those this happen to Greg Oden... why not Candace Parker?"

Not anymore.

Isn't it funny how Greg "The Next Great Center" Oden has much more infamy than fame? What can we say about him, definitively, other than that he's prone to injury and has a giant schlong? Oh, and that the Blazers totally fucked up not taking Kevin Durant.

Blogger Dan B. said...
DocZeus -- Don't worry, I plan on talking about Paul Shirley's tremendously stupid comments in tonight's BAD post.

Blogger Basketbawful said...
Paul Shirley: "Shouldn't much of the responsibility for the disaster lie with the victims of that disaster?"

Dear Paul: The people of New Orleans called. They would like to borrow your ass for a good, hard kicking.

It's like Pat Robertson was ghost-writing for Shirley.

ESPN fired him by the way.

Blogger nohandle said...
I'm a little surprised no one has nominated John Hollinger for a Bawful for his midseason awards after the uproar he caused by nominating Anderson Varejao for the Defensive Player of the Year award...

Blogger chris said...
Bawful: I LOVE how Oden continues in the tradition of Bowie...and Walton's foot...and LaRue Martin. I mean, that's a whole lot of pain (literally) in now five different decades of ball!

Anonymous Anonymous said...
Candance Parker has a penis?

Blogger nohandle said...
Sorry, I didn't realize that was an insider article so I have pasted the Hollinger's text in its entirety for your viewing pleasure:

Varejao has always been among the game's best frontcourt defenders, but have you seen the guy this season? He's moved beyond the Raggedy Andy flopfest of recent years to become a court-roving defensive monster. The shift in the game toward stretch 4s and pick-and-roll guards has only increased his value, as his freakish mobility for his size makes him one of the few players capable of both defending the post and smothering quick guards on switches.

A perfect example came against Portland on Jan. 10, with the Cavs nursing a six-point lead and less than four minutes left. Brandon Roy came off the pick-and-roll looking to explode to the rim, just like he's done a thousand times before, but Varejao made the switch so quickly that Roy went right into his chest. Roy was stymied and stunned, dribbled the ball off his leg and out of bounds, and the Cavs were well on their way to leaving the building with a victory.

His value goes far deeper than one play, of course. According to basketballvalue.com, Varejao has the best adjusted defensive plus/minus in the league at minus-11.5 points per 100 possessions, which in rough terms means the Cavs are below average without him on the court and the best in the league when he's on it. And unlike a lot of the Cavs' plus/minus differences, this one wasn't built on LeBron James' coattails; Varejao spends much of his playing time with the second unit.

Several other players merit consideration here. Dwight Howard, the reigning Defensive Player of the Year, has been no slouch, Ron Artest has quietly excelled in L.A., and Atlanta's Josh Smith and Boston's Kendrick Perkins and Rajon Rondo all are worth a look. But in my book, none has been as good as Varejao so far this season.

Blogger Dan B. said...
nohandle -- I probably would say something, but I can't read his article since I don't have a subscription to ESPN Insider. Stupid Hollinger and Chad Ford trying to make me pay for their thoughts...

Blogger DocZeus said...
As ill-informed and ignorant as some of Shirley thoughts were, I don't think its a completely unreasonable idea to ask if sending money to Haiti is really the best way to rebuild that nation.

What that country needs more than food, water and temporary financial aid is to have their debt forgiven by the predatory creditors that have a vested interest in keeping the people of that country in abject poverty. Otherwise, you are just going to continue the cycle of crippling poverty for eternity or until the human species is wiped out by intelligent killer robots.

Haiti needs a Marshall Plan.

Blogger nohandle said...
Dan -- Amen. My roommate has an insider scrip so I just take it for granted, forgetting there are less fortunate people out there who don't get to waste their money reading pop-stat drivel and opinions backed by bogus numbers and subjective formulas. Thanks for reminding me how lucky I am!

Blogger chris said...
Dan B. - Meanwhile, Basketbawful provides awesome content for FREE, which thus means it has a Blog Efficiency Rating off the charts!!!!

Blogger Will said...
"I see the Fabulous Oberto signing with the Clippers. Wouldn't he be the perfect backup for Chris Kaveman?"
If we're gonna fantasize about a prehistoric frontcourt, what about Jonathon Ruffin. Dude has got to be the missing link.

Blogger Basketbawful said...
As ill-informed and ignorant as some of Shirley thoughts were, I don't think its a completely unreasonable idea to ask if sending money to Haiti is really the best way to rebuild that nation.

I agree. But Shirley obviously took that notion way past the two-step layup and into the realm of Patrick Chewing's four-huge-steps-across-the-lane-and-a-pro-hop shot.

Besides which, is ragging was both pretentious and consciously contrived to be controversial. And comeon, dude was employed by ESPN (although he wrote about Haiti for another site), which means he worked for Disney, and he's a smart dude...he should have realized Disney wouldn't want any connection to somebody spewing that crap.

Social commentary is fine, but Shirley entered the realm of Bawful for a whole variety of reasons.

Meanwhile, Basketbawful provides awesome content for FREE, which thus means it has a Blog Efficiency Rating off the charts!!!!

And that's why I keep saying "no" to posting ads on the site. This is a free fun zone...and I really want to keep it that way. Although I am, you know, basically throwing away free money. Just not in a Paul Shirley kinda way.

Blogger chris said...
Bawful: I seriously think we should get some D-League team to recruit you for a week, so that you MIGHT get called up into the Association and score a trillion in real life, thus allowing you to cover all blog-related expenses from here to eternity!!!! :D

Surely your pickup game provides more contribution than Mario West's actual skillset?!

Blogger chris said...
Sheed and The Truth are now working on second careers as children's entertainers. Does this mean they'll be on television with the King Crab and Mamba puppets soon!?!?

Blogger nohandle said...
Meanwhile, Basketbawful provides awesome content for FREE, which thus means it has a Blog Efficiency Rating off the charts!!!!

Also why it's my favorite hoops blog in the universe. Between Basketbawful and ESPN's NBA page I can get all the basketball news and trashy gossip (respectively) that my little heart (and bigger brain) could desire

Blogger chris said...
And for those who still wonder why Z-Bo is no longer on the Bawful Banner...an ESPN writer makes the case.

Blogger Will said...
By Jonathon Ruffin, I mean Michael Ruffin.

Blogger Basketbawful said...
Bawful: I seriously think we should get some D-League team to recruit you for a week, so that you MIGHT get called up into the Association and score a trillion in real life, thus allowing you to cover all blog-related expenses from here to eternity!!!! :D

That would be awesome.

You know, a few years ago, I tried out for an ABA team. Seriously. I didn't make it past the intial combine, where they test your athletic abilities. Like, they didn't care if I could pass the ball or hit a jump shot if I couldn't jump a certain height or run a certain speed. I'm not sure what the cutoff was...only that I was somewhere below it. Possibly far below it.

Originally, I was going to post about it, but it was a short, fairly anticlimactic story. However, it WAS what inspired me to start the White Man Jump Challenge.

Blogger AnacondaHL said...
"You know, a few years ago, I tried out for an ABA team."

WHAT THE FUCK. STORY TIME. NOW.

Blogger Dan B. said...
Bawful -- Because we know how good workout success at a combine measures your ability to be successful at your sport... Cough... However, I agree with AnacondaHL. STORY TIME. NOW. Even if it's short and anti-climactic, you'll make it interesting.

Blogger chris said...
I THIRD DAN AND ANACONDAHL. STORY. TIME.

Exaggerated cartoon animations of what happened, and a flowchart not unlike that of Livin' Large MUST be mandatory for this tale.

Blogger chris said...
Epic thought, BTW:

Bawful's not TOO far from the Fort Wayne Mad Ants...he could potentially meet Nightmare Ant if he got a tryout semi-locally!!!!!!

Blogger Basketbawful said...
WHAT THE FUCK. STORY TIME. NOW.

Okay, okay.

Have you ever shown up for a party wearing, like, old jeans and a t-shirt, and you suddenly notice everybody is dressed really, really well, and they're all really, really good-looking, but you told a friend to meet you there and so you're stuck standing around knowing you don't belong until something merciful happens and you get to leave?

Well, that was my ABA tryout experience.

I paid several hundred dollars for the right to try out. I showed up full of hope and optimism, which was crushed almost immediately. I'm 6'3" and 200 reasonably well-muscled pounds...and everybody was bigger than me. Of course, most of these guys were former Division I ballers who were still hoping to make the pros someday. I just wanted to see how far I could make it into the tryout process.

The answer: Not far.

I was hoping to at least get to scrimmage or, I don't know, shoot some hoops. I had no idea what they were going to have us do. But it was sort of like a job interview, and they had to weed out from the many people who showed up. Like, if you have a doctor's position available, you should probably make sure they candidates, you know, attended medical school.

Likewise, these people had to make sure the candidates could compete in a high-level athletic competition. Only since people were paying for the right to tryout, the weeding happened only AFTER they cashed our checks.

So they had us do some speed drills, run cones, various vertical height jumps. Some of these were done group fashion, some of them were a standing-in-line-waiting-your-turn kind of thing. Those were the worst. I felt like that awkward fat kid in high school gym class standing in a line full of jocks.

For the most part, the guys doing the testing/measuring/whatever watched me do my thing without comment. But I had to do this sit-and-stretch test, where they test my flexibility as I reach for my toes. I was straining as hard as I could, and the dude measuring me said, "Are you stretching?" That's when I knew for dead certain the jig was up.

After all the basic physical tests were done, we had to wait around for a while before the first round of people were dismissed. I was among them.

Game over.

I was so embarrassed I came home and started charting a course of training so I could take part in the next year's tryout, if there was one. I started training my vert, doing sprints, etc. Then I fell on my bike trainer and injured my knee, and then got run over by a horse, and then got tendonitis...

Guess I'll have to settle for playing pickup ball.

Blogger Caleb Smith said...
Interesting thing about Maggette going 3 for 22... that dude has actually been incredibly, mind-blowingly hyper-efficient this year. 20.7 points on 12.5 shots? That's INSANE. He's always been pretty efficient despite middling FG% because of his ability to draw fouls, but damn... that's just crazy. Doubtful he keeps it up I guess though... as 3-22 seems to suggest.

Blogger Basketbawful said...
Whoa, whao, sorry, people. I meant the CBA, not the ABA.

Blogger Basketbawful said...
Whoops. Sorry again. It was the ABA...just not THE ABA...

Anonymous Anonymous said...
Bawful: Who do you think is better...Mike Dunleavy or Gilbert Arenas?

Blogger AnacondaHL said...
"and then got run over by a horse,"

WHAT THE FUCK. STORY TIME. NOW.

Blogger chris said...
AnacondaHL/Bawful: At least it wasn't being "run over by a GEICO" so there's a little bit of your dignity back right there...

Blogger Dan B. said...
Gonna have to agree with AnacondaHL again, Bawful. (And for what it's worth, your CBA workout story was actually pretty good, especially with your opening analogy.)

Anonymous kazam92 said...
Man Paul Shirley's book was on of my favorites. It sucks to hear this (that someone you admired is a colossal dick). Anyone got a link?

Blogger Basketbawful said...
Bawful: Who do you think is better...Mike Dunleavy or Gilbert Arenas?

Seriously? Uh...on paper, Gilbert Arenas, I guess. Of course, since he's not allowed in NBA arenas right now, I guess I'd have to go with Funleavy.


WHAT THE FUCK. STORY TIME. NOW.

I was SURE I told this story. It's also pretty stupid.

So I was really mad about the ABA thing, so I was busting my ass to get the the Best Shape of My Life (TM). There's a pretty cool path near my place that leads to hundreds of miles of bike trails. One of them leads to a forest preserve next to a horse park. I like this reserve because it has a lot of inclines that make the ride pretty rough (at certain points).

Typically, and especially during this period, I was riding my bike like a madman. Basically, I would pedal with all my strength without taking a break for an hour. I would be panting and spitting snot...it wasn't pretty. But I was determined (again, because of the tryout snub).

Now, people sometimes ride their horses on this path, and it's no big deal, you just ride around them. Well, I went tearing toward this group of three riders in a single file. Turns out the woman in the middle was a brand new rider and couldn't really control her horse. As I was going by like the freak I am, her horse got startled and tried to bolt at the very instant I was going by.

It was like being hit by a thousand pounds of solid muscle...kind of like if somebody shot Karl Malone's bicep out of a cannon at you. Me and my poor bike went flying through the air. I caught myself with my right arm and hyperextended my elbow and badly sprained my wrist. I also tore myself to shreds on the gravel.

However, with all that adrenaline pumping, I hopped up and told the ladies I was fine. They were very sorry, very apologetic, but I waved them off, hopped on my bike, and rode off into the sunset...

...however, about three minutes later, when the adrenaline wore off, my whole body started to cramp up, all the pain started to hit me, and I hobble-rode the 4-5 miles back to my place, crawled up the stairs and oozed into a bath of hot water filled with epsom salts. I still couldn't get up for work the next day.

I called in and told Evil Ted to let our admin asst. know I wouldn't be in. He was worried and pressed me for why I sounded so bad. I told him. By the time I got to work the next day, everybody knew about my horse incident. People were making horse sounds at me at work for weeks. And ET photoshopped a picture of me facing off against a crazy, reering horse.

Anyway, the wrist and elbow bothered me for over a month. As an epilogue, I ran into the same three women a month later. The first time, I came up on them from behind (unintentionally dirty quote), this time from the front. I stopped. They stopped. And we all cracked up. But I made a wide path around them.

Blogger GigittyGigitty said...
No Ron Jeremy jokes today? What about Greg Oden!?
"The 11-inches-center was the No. 1 pick in the 2007 NBA draft out of Ohio State. At least one of his body parts is looking very healthy. Our book recommendation: http://www.amazon.com/How-Live-Huge-Penis-Meditations/dp/1594743061/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1264626836&sr=8-1"

Blogger chris said...
Bawful, I demand that we see this photoshop. Stat.

Blogger medrawt said...
It was like being hit by a thousand pounds of solid muscle

Actually, given the average weight of riding horses (per wikipedia) I bet it was actually the exact experience of getting hit by a thousand pounds of muscle.

Maybe some bone weight.

I also enjoyed reading about the CBA experience; I can only imagine. Two inches shorter and in mediocre shape, a couple years ago I joined a gym that happened to have a basketball court, and I entertained the idea that in between lifting and cardio I might start playing ball again. I peeked in to look at a game one day and realized that, at 6'1", I'd be the shortest guy on the court barring one or two waterbug super-fast-for-a-civilian types. The only way I could run with those guys would've been bulking up and watching hours of Adrian Dantley highlights. Not that I was ever great shakes as a player, but glancing at a pickup game in a yuppie gym and realizing that I couldn't hang because [in part], at 6'1", I was too short, was very weird, and very much not an experience I wanted to relive.

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