"OH MY GOD IT'S A BALL!"
The douchebag in my pickup league: So I was having a really strong offensive night -- in the first game, I scored 14 of my team's points in a 21-19 loss -- when this new guy decided to switch onto me. In pickup ball, most people try to avoid guarding somebody who's on. But when a player chooses to guard the hot hand, he's usually going to resort to a Bruce Bowen-style defense: hacking, holding, grabbing, tripping, etc. This situation was no exception.

Still, I kept my cool and tried to ignore his bullshit. Mostly because it's extra fun to score against hackers. But there was one stretch where I posted up on four consecutive possessions, and he hooked my left arm each and every time. I never called the foul, and on the fourth time, a teammate fed me the ball. I caught it one-handed and then rolled away from my defender for a little hook shot...while he still had my left arm hooked.

And he called a foul on ME. For "pushing off."

Now, one of the unwritten rules of pickup ball is that you don't call offensive fouls. Like, an offensive foul would have to be really, really, really blatant for somebody to call it. Like jumping off somebody's face for a layup. Something like that. But it is considered a violation of the highest order for a player to call a cheesy offensive foul. Most guys would rather eat a bag of crawling insects than call the O-foul.

What made this situation even more ludicrous was that I didn't come anywhere close to pushing off, and HE was fouling ME in the act of shooting. Yet he called me for pushing off. And he didn't just call the foul. He was angry and vehement about it. It was like he'd walked in on me pooping in his mom's mouth. He was that outraged about my "foul."

All these circumstances made it, without doubt, one of the 10 worst foul calls I've seen in my 20 years of playing pickup...and that's saying something, because some of the lousy calls made during a typical pickup game would make Dick Bavetta throw up in his own mouth. (More on Bavetta below.)

Suffice to say, I argued the call. He argued back. I dropped an F-bomb, after which he said, and I quote, "You can't say 'fuck' to me, mother fucker. Fuck. Fucker, fuck, fuck you, you fucking bitch."

As angry as I was, I actually burst out laughing at this, particularly because his voice cracked the whole way through his little diatribe. I still wasn't going to let the call go, but Steve, the league supervisor, stepped in and told everybody to shut it and asked me to "respect the call." Which I did. But I was pissed...so I got the best revenge: Scoring a bunch of points and leading my team to an easy win.

I can't wait to play against that guy again next week.

White power: I hear the new caucasian-only basketball league will open it's season with a special "White Hood Night." But only the first 2,000 racists will get one, so show up early!

The San Antonio Spurs: The Utah Jazz have been the West's leading Bipolar Girlfriend Team all season...except when they've been playing the Spurs that is. Going into this season, the Jazz hadn't won in San Antonio for over a decade. This season, they have two wins in the AT&T Center. More than that, last night's 105-98 win was the proverbial cherry on the top of Utah's four-game season series sweep of the Spurs. It's the first time since 1993-94 that the Jazz have blanked San Antonio during the regular season.

It's almost hard to believe now, but at one point the Spurs had beaten Utah 18 straight times.

Said Manu Ginobili: "It's tough just seeing the team lose for the fourth time against the Jazz. That's hard to swallow." Added Tony Parker: "We beat them a lot over the years. I think, you know, this year they had our number."

What else could you expect on a night when Tim Duncan went 2-for-12 against the defense of Mehmet Okur and Paul Milsap? (Duncan was 3-for-3 against everybody else.)

Update! Tim Duncan: Because you, the reader demanded it! Well, Austen demanded it. Okay, he only made a casual suggest. Anyway: "What, no Worst of the Night to Tim Duncan for fouling out with 30 seconds left in the game, giving Carlos Boozer the free throws that sealed the game and leaving him 1 point shy of his 20,000 milestone."

The Boston Celtics: Say, what's that under the Celtics? Oh. Right. It's rock bottom.

Okay, okay. Rock bottom would be losing at home to the New Jersey Nyets. But losing to "the Shorthanded Pistons" in Detroit is still pretty close. The Motor City Muckups were still minus Ben Gordon (right groin), Tayshaun Prince (left knee) and Will Bynum (left ankle)...which should have more than offset the absence of Kevin Garnett. But Rodney Stuckey had his way all game (27 points, 6 assists and a career-high 11 boards) and Charlie Villanueva owned the fourth quarter (during which he scored 10 of his 19 points). And just like that, Boston dropped to 4-8 since Christmas, when they were 23-5.

Mind you, the Celtics led by double digits early and still had an 8-point lead in the third quarter before quietly collapsing down the stretch. I guess they can't just show up and win games after all.

Said Doc Rivers: "Our guys are frustrated right now, but I told them that we have to do something about this. I think we think that we're a better team than we really are, and we're trying to win games on cruise control."

Added Rasheed Wallace: "We're not that team that can turn it on and off. Sometimes we think just because we're the Celtics and we go into a team's building that they're going to back down. We're a good team on paper, but other teams get up for us as a measuring stick."

Charlie Villanueva, quote machine: 'Sheed's replacement had a big game...which was inspired by his desire to show up the man he replaced: "Of course, [Wallace] wanted to show the fans what they've been missing. But Charlie V's here."

Rasheed Wallace, quote machine: Hey, 'Sheed. Charlie V's here! What do you have to say about that? "Chuck hit a couple 3s. He didn't do anything extravagant."

...

Extravagant?

Glen Davis: He is, apparently, sensitive about his weight: "A jeering fan called Glen 'Big Baby' Davis a 'fat boy' and told him to lose some weight. Davis responded with an expletive. 'We know what happened, and that's unacceptable,' Rivers said. 'It's tough when the fans are yelling that stuff at you, but you have to be stronger than that.'" Is anybody the least bit surprised this happened in Detroit?

On the up side, at least Baby didn't punch a friend and/or teammate.

The Miami Heat: Wow. I've seen punches to the groin that weren't this painful. Even when the punch was delivered by a cannonball covered in barbed wire and broken glass.

The Heat got straight up owned by the Bobcats in Charlotte. It what might in consideration for Ugliest Loss of the Season, Miami shot 28 percent from the field (22-for-76) and 8 percent from downtown (2-for-23), missed 12 free throws (19-for-31), got outrebounded 50-34, got outscored 46-26 in the paint, and gave up 24 points off 15 turnovers. The final score: Bobcats 104, Heat 65.

As for the 'Cats, well, what can you say? They're an NBA-best 9-1 since January 1st. Against the Heat, they shot a franchise-record 82 percent in the first quarter, led by 27 at halftime and by as many as 41 in the fourth quarter, allowed the fewest points in team history and set a franchise record for margin of victory (39 points).

All 12 members of the Heat logged time in this crapfest. And if you take away Dywane Wade and Dorell Wright (16 points each), Miami's other 10 players combined for 33 points. It was like a failed suicide attempt for the East's leading Bipolar Girlfriend Team.

Update! From AnacondaHL: "Miami's title needs to be updated to 'The Bipolar Girlfriend At That Time of the Month on Crystal Meth Team.' Has a team ever won by 30, then the next day lost by 39?" Geez, he's right. I forgot about their 113-83 win over the Pacers on Tuesday night.

What could have possibly preceded such an historic ass-whuppin'? Funny I should pretend you asked...

Michael Beasley: What was this guy smoking?! Wait, don't answer that.

The day before the game, Beasley told reporters the Bobcats "stole" a game in Miami earlier this month and that "if we stay together and stay focused, it should be an easy win."

Whoops.

That quote was passed around the Bobcats' locker room before the game. Said Raymond Felton: "I kind of laughed at it, smiled at it. But at the same time (the quote) was in the back of my head the whole game." Added Gerald Wallace: "I guess he hasn't been watching ESPN or NBA TV."

Memo to Mikey: It's never a good idea to give a hot team playing at home extra motivation. In related news, Beasley started the game 0-for-7 and finished with 6 points on 3-for-11 shooting.

Larry Brown, quote machine: Regarding their 6-0 record on their six-game home stand: "I looked at the schedule when Stephen said I'll take 5-1," coach Larry Brown said of Jackson's stated goal for the home stand. "I would have kissed him on the lips for 5-1."

So, uh, where are you going to kiss him for 6-0? Wait. Don't answer that.

The Minnesota Timberwolves: Last night's 94-92 home loss to the Thunder dropped them to 9-34 on the year. That pretty much says it all.

Of the Thunder, Minny coach Kurt Rambis said: "They're a team of the future." So says the man coaching a team of the never.

More bad officiating: From the AP recap:

The Timberwolves were a bit miffed after the game when officials Dick Bavetta, Kevin Fehr and Phil Robinson declined to look at the replay of an out-of-bounds call where Fehr awarded possession to the Thunder with under 13 seconds to go. Replays appeared to show the ball actually deflected off of Green's ankle.

"They're probably kicking themselves after they looked at it," said Jefferson, who was directly involved in the play. "Mistakes are made. They're not perfect. We're not perfect. You can't take it personal."

Bavetta said procedure was followed.

"I asked Kevin Fehr, who was right on top of the play, are you absolutely certain about the call? And he said, 'Yes I am absolutely certain about the call," Bavetta said. "The guideline for going to replay is if there is uncertainty. So when the official making the call has absolute certainty, there's no reason to go to the replay."

Is anybody at all surprised that Dick Bavetta was involved?

The New Jersey Nyets: The tragic comedy that is the 2009-10 New Jersey Nyets continued in Phoenix, where the Suns finally built a double-digit lead and, you know, held onto it. The poor Nyets are now 3-38 on the year, including 0-17 against the Western Conference.

Fun fact: The game matched the NBA's highest (Phoenix 109.7) and lowest (New Jersey 90.2) scoring teams. (That fact was probably fun only for Suns fans...)

Great brother-on-brother matchup, by the way. Brook Lopez finished with 26 points and 13 rebounds, while Robin scored 20 on 8-for-10 shooting to go with 7 boards. They hustled. They scrapped. They dunked on each other. It was great. By the way, Robin's 20 made it two consecutive games in which he set a new career-high in scoring. Funny what starting can do for somebody's game.

The Chicago Bulls: Well, it looks like the Bulls are more who we thought they were than even the Clippers. Chicago went 11-for-24 on layups and tip shots, missed nine free throws and basically got outworked and outsmarted by The Other L.A. Team. It didn't help that the Clips got 39 free throw attempts (16 of which they missed, but still).

The Bulls have now lost the first two games of their seven-game Western Conference road trip. To the Warriors and Clippers. They're next fives games are in Phoenix, Houston, San Antonia, Oklahoma City and New Orleans. I'm going to go ahead and predict an 0-7 trip.

By the way, the Bulls are now 1-14 when they give up 100 points.

The Sacramento Kings: 47 points, 10 assists and 4 steals from the Kevin Martin / Tyreke Evans combo earned the Kings...their fifth straight defeat, and their 12th loss in 14 games overall.

Rough time to be a Sacto fan. I mean, if you'd told them back in October the Kings would be 15-26 at this point in the season, they probably would have said something like, "Yeah, that's about right." But playing above average and almost making it to .500 raised some crazy expectations (of, say, .500). Defeat tastes more bitter when you expect better. Otherwise, it tastes like chicken.

The Philadelphia 76ers: The Frail Blazers got Brandon Roy back. For a half. Roy sat out the third and fourth quarters with that sore right hammy. It didn't matter, because Portland got 42 points out of Andre Miller and Jerryd Bayless...and 'cause they were playing the Sixers. The result: a 98-90 road win for a team missing half its rotation players.

Said the Not Answer: "We are a little snake-bitten right now. We are having a lot of bad things [happen] towards the end of games. A stop here or there and we would be right there. We can't seem to get over the hump." In related news, Iverson had 9 points on 3-for-9 shooting to go along with zero assists and 3 turnovers.

The Washington Wizards Generals Bullets: A season of misery continued last night as Shawn Marion blocked Caron Butler's shot with 1.9 seconds to play and the Mavericks held on to beat the Bullets in Washington 94-93.

It was a terrible decision by Butler. Terrible. He was obviously thinking about the last time he nailed a game-winner against Marion. I bet Marion was thinking about the same thing, though.

Said Butler: "I obviously wanted the ball, and I kind of had my mind made up what I was going to do with it already, and just mistimed it. And it was good defense."

Added Marion: "I knew he was going to iso, so I just wanted to stay and play good defense on him, and I did that."

By the way, I loved this quote from J-Kidd and the response from Jason Terry. Said Kidd: "Winning on a defensive possession, you wouldn't say that in the past about the Mavericks. It would be us trying to get a basket on the other end. This year, we've really focused on playing defense. We looked at the last champions and said, 'Hey, they all played defense.' So that's what we're focused on right now, and Shawn really made a great play on Caron at the end."

Replied Jason Terry: "I still think hitting the last shot is the best way to go."

Update! The Toronto Raptors: I made the mistake of omitting Toronto's fighting dinos from today's post...and Basketbawful reader "the other" Chris had something to say about it: "No WoTN for my beloved Toronto Craptors? They squandered a career-high 44 points from Chris Bosh on the way to a 113-107 loss to the Bucks, after having a 10-point lead for most of the first half. To quote Bawful...it's called 'hand in the face', guys."

Lacktion report: With all the crappy games last night, you just knew there was going to be a lot of lacktion, as Chris reports:

Heat-Bobcats: Despite 7 boards, DeSagana Diop fouled out and lost the rock twice for a 8:7 Voskuhl in 16:30.

Mavs-Bullets: RODRIGUE BEAUBOIS IS ON FIRE...thanks to a Fire Flower which led him to a ONE SECOND SUPER MARIO!!! (Actually, can someone doublecheck if this may actually be a Super Mario Galaxy under our noses?!?!)

UPDATE!!!!! AnacondaHL writes...

"3Qtr
Ross Substitution replaced by Beaubois 00:02.5
Beaubois Substitution replaced by Ross 00:01.8

So yes, it was a Super Mario Galaxy."

Sweet. To be exact, a stint of merely 0.7 seconds, the second shortest in the Association this season behind Brian Cook's 0.0 second Luigi!!!!!

Meanwhile, fellow Maverick Matt Carroll launched a brick for a +1 suck differential in 1:56.

For Washington, JaVale McGee was nicked by a rejection and a brick for a +2 in 4:57, while Nick Young turned over his arsenal once for a +1 in 1:12. But the real story once again was Dominic McGuire, whose retention of the NES Zapper has given him another appeareance in the lacktion rap sheet with a 13 second Mario - his second straight game as an overalled drainage expert!!!!

Celtics-Pistons: Brian Scalabrine fouled thricely and lost the rock once for a +4 in 5:41 that also earned a 4:0 Voskuhl!

For the team from Oakland County, Chris Wilcox negated one board with a giveaway and foul for a 2:1 Voskuhl in 8:05.

Thunder-Wolves: Ryan Hollins once again got clotheslined into the lacktion report with a +5 in 4:10 via a pair of bricks, a pair of rejections, and a foul. That foul also earned him a 1:0 Voskuhl ratio.

Grizzlies-Hornets: Marcus Williams gave the ball away once for a +1 in 2:36.

Raptors-Bucks: Marco Belinelli scored a +1 via giveaway in 3:06 for the dinos.

Suns-Nyets: Chris Quinn put the pieces together in Tetris for a 34 second Mario!

Labels: Worst of the Night