The Gun Show
Is Mark Cuban ready for his appearance in the Celebrity Game?

(Via Andy Gray's SI Vault)

It's All-Star Weekend! Yes, it's that special time when teams get a few days off to reflect on how screwed they are this year and next because they're saddled with awful contracts (I'm looking at you, Eddy Curry)

If you haven't already done so, make sure you check out our 2010 Null-Star Game post, complete with video of an entire game full of lacktion. It's probably more entertaining than any of the stuff that'll be on TNT Saturday.

Bawful Trade of the Day:
Despite popular opinion, Mike T would like you to know that Joe Dumars is an evil genius:
Little did John Hollinger know that Joe Dumars was thinking 18 steps ahead when he drafted Darko ahead of Melo and traded Chauncey for the Canswer.

His plan all along was to overpay Rip, Charlie V and Ben Gordon so that their contracts added up to within $4,912 of the combined contracts of Chauncey and Melo.

Dumars planned all along to let Melo mature as a player and then let him play with Chauncey for awhile until they were familiar with each other and then, and only then, would he make the move to get them in a package deal.

This trade adds 15 wins to Detroit and takes 18 wins from Denver. In the coming days, Dumars will once again prove that he is the best GM who ever lived. Shame on all of us for questioning him and suggesting that he lucked out on many of his past moves or saying that he only won with Larry Brown's team.

If my prediction does not come true by the trade deadline, it will only be because Dumars has justifiably decided to be frugal and save his owner the additional $4,912 that they would have to pay Melo and Chauncey in this deal.
Navin had the brilliant idea to work Ricky Davis into a trade involving Curry and Darko:
Cleveland valiantly tries to reconstruct the 2007 Cavs (plus Ricky Davis playing the role of the Ghost of LeBron's Past Crappy Teams) with this mega-trade.

Don't laugh, this was a team that went to the Finals!

Oh, and Shaq goes to the Bricks for Eddy "I wonder if the ball is edible" Curry and Darko "I'm Better than Melo" Milicic.

Somehow this only costs the Cavs one win.
Hogey brings us breaking news of a fake trade:
In breaking news, Isaiah Thomas has placed a bomb in Madison Square Garden and has threatened to blow it up if he is not given another chance as GM of the storied franchise.

Isaiah reportedly phoned James Dolan to issue the threat this morning, telling Mr Dolan that the Knicks' plan to lure Lebron James away from Cleveland was "fool's gold" and that cap space was "worthless if you can't fill it".

Isaiah claims to have already brokered a trade that he believes "will make the Knicks relevant again, effective immediately, by acquiring a dominant post threat and an elite point guard."

Our sources indicate that this is the trade:

Knicks get: Elton Brand (dominant post threat), Gilbert Arenas (elite point guard)
Wizards get: Larry Hughes (Welcome back Larry!!)
Philadelphia gets: Nate Robinson (Iverson 2.0?) and Eddy Curry (a fantastic replacement for Brand)

Worst of the Night in Pictures:

Stan Van Gundy Caption This!
(Why is it every single SVG pic demands a caption contest?)

High five!

So, when did they replace Gregg Popovich with Donald Sutherland?

And you thought Tim Duncan was the only Spur with awesome faces

Okay, I have no idea what the Cavs bench is doing here

Nationally Televised Friday Games:
Celebrity Game, 7pm ET, ESPN: The poor man's version of the MTV Rock 'n' Jock game. We will get to see Mark Cuban participate. Also, we will get to see Michael Rapaport deluded into thinking he's a "celebrity" once again.

Rookie/Sophomore Game, 9pm ET, TNT: At halftime, we will be treated to the Slam Dunk-In. Think of it like the play-in game for the 64th seed in the NCAA March Madness tournament. Possibly exciting, but ultimately completely and totally irrelevant.

NBA D-League Dream Factory Friday Night, 10ET, live stream: "An innovative skills competition modeled after the popular NBA All-Star Saturday Night..." You know, except less good.

Nationally Televised Saturday Games:
NBA D-League All-Star Game, 3pm ET, NBATV: Yay?

H.O.R.S.E. presented by Geico, 7pm ET, TNT: From what I understand, they won't be playing with the letters "G-E-I-C-O" this year. I can't decide if this makes it more or less awesome. Then again, this year's competitors are Rajon Rondo, Omri Casspi, and last year's winner Kevin Durant, so I'm not that giddy with anticipation anyhow. To knock Rondo out, they just have to shoot jumpers or free throws... (Seriously, Rondo, I love your game, but learn to shoot, man!)

Haier Shooting Stars competition, 8:30 ET, TNT: Different shots from different locations? It's like a grown-up version of those pop-a-shot arcade machines where the backboard and rim move! Can you win tickets and redeem them for awesome cheaply-made prizes?

Taco Bell Skills Challenge, 8:30 ET, TNT: Despite what you might think, making it to the toilet on-time after a surprise case of the runs is not part of the Taco Bell skills challenge.

Foot Locker Three-Point Contest, 8:30 ET, TNT: Bring Larry Bird out of retirement to defend his title and then I'll definately tune in. Come on, NBA, there's still time to do it!

Sprite Slam Dunk, 8:30 ET, TNT: Your competitors? Nate Robinson, Gerald Wallace, Shannon Brown, Eric Gordon, and DeMar DeRozan. You know, just in case you had any lingering thoughts that the dunk contest might somehow still be relevant.

Nationally Televised Sunday Games:
NBA All-Star Game, 8pm ET, TNT: The best part of this game? The Eastern Conference coach will be Stan Van Gundy. That roughly triples the entertainment value of this game.

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Anonymous NarSARSsist said...
My guess for the Cavs picture is that Shaq told them to taunt Dwight Howard. "Compared to the real Superman, your dick is thiiiiiiis small."

Blogger Unknown said...
Here's the Knicks' wet dream:

They get LBJ, Wade, & Bosh, and still get to keep Lee and Nate! What can possibly go wrong?

As for the losers:
Miami gets yet another do-nothing PG and another worthless C. Especially humourous because they would get the one non-Brad "player" who would move slower than Jermaine.
The Crabs get Larry Hughes back, because that worked so well for them the first time.
Toronto gets TMNT-Harrington and Jeffries... I just can't understand why that would be a -11 game loss for them??? LOL!

Blogger Unknown said...
Ooh, I found another one. Please combine my comments if you can to save on clutter. Anyways:

Portland wants a center that's not older than dirt (in age or looks), so they can have Krstic. I threw in Kyle Weaver just because I'm tired of seeing him on the roster with a PER 5.5 points higher than Kevin freakin' Durant.
OKC will take Oden off Portland's hands so they aren't constantly haunted by the ghost of Sam Bowie. Plus how many times do you see a #1 & #2 pick from the same draft playing together. Actually I should say "playing" together, seeing as how Oden will more than likely be a suit-wearing cheerleader.

Blogger DocZeus said...

Wait Wait Wait Wait...

The Cavs trade LeBron James for Larry Hughes and only manage to win nine games less than they would have?!?! The trade machine is either severely overrating Larry Hughes, SEVERELY underrating LeBron James or have an EXTREMELY high opinion of the rest of the Cavs cast.

Blogger Will said...
Caption: Here Mr. Jeremy gives his patented "do it doggy-style" hand signal.

As for the Cav's pic, I think they do that when Delonte West makes a 3.

Blogger AnacondaHL said...
Jennings with a Gumby, Harden with the Moses, Dwight doing excellent annoucner work. A good night for beer.

Blogger Dan said...
The H-O-R-S-E game will be approximately 1000 times better if the last shot comes down to either of the other two against Rondo and whoever it is simply shoots a free throw.

Blogger Unknown said...

Yeah, I LOL'd hard when I saw that it would only make a 9 game difference. Hughes should be a -9 by himself, and that's not even counting losing LeBron.

Speaking of -9, I actually like my second trade proposal better. How often do you see a trade that causes a -9 game difference for BOTH teams in a trade? I didn't think that was even possible. Krstic & Oden, where incomprehensible fail happens.

Blogger Unknown said...
Oh, and as for the SVG picture... I think that pic eliminates any doubt that he truly is Ron Jeremy. I mean come on, he's flashing penis-measurement hand signals, ffs.

Anonymous Glide said...
Pau Gasol, unintentionally dirty quote machine, on his own brother Marc:

"He gets his hands on a lot of balls, and he's really active."

Anonymous kazam92 said...
Did anyone see what the globetrotters did to Jon Barry? He was so pissed the rest of the game it was hilarious

Anonymous Kelly said...
Cavs bench = making goosie(goosey?) symbols, courtesy of J. Moon. Duh.

Anonymous Anonymous said...
The sophomores were doomed to lose the moment Lopez joined them. Cursed.

Anonymous winnetou said...
Seeing that Ginobili photo made me want to share this one from a game on the 8th with you.

Anonymous Anonymous said...
Dream Team is listed under Women's HoF..

Now you know why this team had such a glorious victory streak...

Anonymous Mladen said...
I just checked out the Celebrity game highlights:

- Mark Cuban got blocked by Chris Tucker! Muahahaha!

- Michael Rappaport looks like Brian Scalabrine's evil twin brother (oh, and he's also the MVP of the game?!).

- That guy from "Avatar" actually scored?

- I cannot believe it: Mario Lopez was an assistant coach?!

WV: nonap - that's pretty much self-explanatory

Blogger GMoney said...
Caption - "Not pictured: invisible six foot party sub swimming in vinegar"

Cavs - That thing they do after anyone makes a three is called the "Gooseneck". Apparently, when Jamario Moon shoots, his follow through looks like that. Even as a Cavs fan, I find this borderline stupid.

Blogger Kcan said...
the Tragic comedy of 2009-2010 Nets continued with the Sophomore team's loss to the Rookies. Mind you, this year the jerseys were each player's own club's jersey, so Nets and Brook Lopez enjoyed the taste of another loss. priceless

Anonymous Czernobog said...
Holy shit, Kenny Smith humiliating a little kid in a Mavs Jersey in the H.O.R.S.E contest and taking a piss out of the Mavs' defence was one of the most bawesome things I've ever seen.

Anonymous Anonymous said...
worst dunk contest ever

Blogger AnacondaHL said...
Dunk Contest was a travesty. Ughh.

Anonymous kazam92 said...
The wrod "bawful" doesn't do justice to how piss poor the dunk contest was. Gerald Wallace and Shannon Brown need to be suspended indefinitely

Anonymous NarSARSsist said...
Speaking of trades, here's a real one. The Mavs get Tough Juice, Brendan Haywood, and Soulja Boy, while the Generals get Josh Howard, Drew Gooden, Quentin Ross, and James Singleton. Recreated in NBA Trade Machine for your convenience. Hollinger expects the Mavs to win a mere one game extra for all the extra money they will pay.

Blogger Nick Flynt said...
AHL- You should have been on the Dime live chat, we were torching them.

Pretty much every blogger/commenter protested by not voting for either guy.

They'll be doing another one tomorrow. You should be there, as I'm sure your keen observations would be appreciated.

Anonymous Mladen said...
Damn, I just saw the so-called "dunk contest" on, and it looked boring as fuck. I'm glad I didn't actually stay up late to watch it...

Where's the god damned creativity? I mean, obviously none of the people here (including me) could pull off the simplest of dunks, but at least we could come up with some pretty innovative stuff. These guys just get worse every year, and Nate basically wins for being a midget. We get it. He's a man of small stature and he can jump really high. That was worthy of one dunk contest crown, but three?!

Blogger Andy said...
The D-League contest was better than the NBA one...

Anonymous said...
Rot in hell, Shannon Brown.

Anonymous Benny Profane said...
Andy-I think the D-Leaguers actually care because they don't get paid shit...winning that contest probably means that they can pay their mortgages.

That dunk contest was so uninspired, Gerald Wallace and Shannon Brown should be stripped of their dunking privileges for the rest of the season. I wish we could make this happen...

JJ Hickson and Big Z for Amare? Although I'd like to see JJ running the floor with Steve Nash, that's not the young player the Suns need back for Amare.

Blogger Sports Chump said...
That Dunk contest was basketbawful.

Will the last person watching the competition next year please turn the lights off on the way out.

Here's my take on the days of yesteryear... when the contest meant something.

Blogger AnacondaHL said...
Valentines Day lines by NBA players. This rules so hard.

Joe Johnson: I try to get rid of my girlfriend by Valentine's Day
Tim Duncan (fundamentally): ...get a flight.

Anonymous kazam92 said...
This was an awesome All-star game. Made up for the shitstain Saturday. D-Wade MVP!

Anonymous Jarott said...
You know whats most pathetic about the dunk contest? I am 6.2, I play basketball for like 5 years and I made most of the dunks, maybe without jumping over a guy.All the rest? EASY. I mean one handed slam after the ball baunces of the floor? Really? If i can do that with two hands, touching my back with the ball and nearly 360, then how is that contest going to show to NBA players superiority? Usually watching the nba contest was motivation to work out harder, to just be able to TRY (and fail) to do what they do. This year? Done this, done that, boring.

But hey, its good the judges didn't whistle technicals for hanging too long on the rim...

Anonymous said...
@ Kazam92, I'd just like to let you know the comment about the suspensions made me laugh out loud in public, which in turn resulted in a lot of awkward looks. Thank you<3

Anonymous Phanistan said... mmmm man love

Anonymous kobefearslebron said...
Hey Bawful,

Look at Deron Williams' picture!

And I also uploaded a screenshot in case they change it.

Anonymous kobefearslebron said...
Hey Bawful,

Look at Deron Williams' picture here!

I also uploaded a screenshot just in case they change it:

Anonymous Anonymous said...
SVG caption: "To the elbow! I know it's called 'fisting', but you only get paid if you go to the elbow!"

Blogger AnacondaHL said...
From basketball-reference's recent rankings blog post:

"Jersey is so brutal this year, MLE has to have 19 teams being above average simply to offset the incredible suckitude of the Nets and still keep the league average equal to zero. By standard SRS, only 3 teams in NBA history have been as good as NJ has been bad: the 1971 Bucks, the 1996 Bulls, and the 1972 Lakers. In 2010, we've all been witnesses... to one of the worst basketball teams of all time, that is."

Blogger nohandle said...
Jarrot - I feel you there. just last weekend my roommate and i played some pick up at the gym at the local college. afterwards a few of the kids start messing around and dunking. this one white kid, 6'2" or 6'3" tossed himself a one-handed, off the backboard, 360 alley-oop. thinking about it now just reinforces the bawfulness of this year's contest

Blogger Ash said...
Shannon has always been a good "in-game" dunker, and I knew he would not work in a dunk contest. Phooey.

Anonymous Give me a break "Jarrot" said...
Jarrot: pics or shens. Seriously. Post a vid of you doing a 360 dunk where you touch your back with the ball and all that junk you just described. When you do, I, and the rest of the internets, will believe you. Until then: shenanigans.

Blogger Siddarth Sharma said...
This dunk would score a automatic 50 in the dunk contest. Bring Ostertag/goofy big white guy, and have him playing D(milling about cluelessly under the rim). Then use him as a prop to posterize him..