New York Knicks: This team set a new standard in Worst of the Weekend history. On Friday night, they ended the Grizzlies' 18-game road losing streak by getting blown out 120-106 at Madision Square Garden. On Saturday night, they played in Minnesota and got abused 114-93 by the Timberwolves. That's 35 points worth of losing to two of the worst teams in the league. Let's just rename them the Washington Generals and call it a season, okay?
Isiah Thomas: Zeke still thinks he has a future in New York, even though Knicks owner James Dolan met with -- and was subsequently turned down by -- Pacers CEO Donnie Walsh, who apparently prefers the mess he and Larry Bird made in Indiana to the trash heap Isiah built in New York. Good call, Donnie. Meanwhile, The Smiling Assassin is officially tanking the rest of the Knicks' season by benching Zach Randolph to get a look at the the team's "project" players, like Randolph Morris (who scored 6 points on 2-for-15 shooting this weekend). Said Isiah: "This is definitely a growing and a learning experience for me and this is a very tough time. But you try to grow and learn from the tough times also." Yeah, right. If you could grow and learn from sucking this badly, Isiah would be about 75 feet tall and could crush granite blocks with his amazing mind powers. When asked about his future with the team, he simply said, "I plan on being here." He may be the only one.
NBA.com box scores: This box score image from NBA.com was sent in by Basketbawful reader j men, who described it thusly: "Wow. The Heat are so short handed now that they have a new player that doesnt even have a name!" The unnamed player is/was a kid named Blake Ahearn. Don't bother to memorize his name, though. I doubt he'll be sticking around longer than the end of this season. Note: The box score was updated. But you still shouldn't memorize his name.
Andrea Bargnani: He had a rough night against the Cavs on Friday, scoring zero points (0-for-5) against the suffocating defense of Egghead Zydrunas Ilgauskas. (Psst. Andrea was a number one overall pick.)
The James Gang: LeBron is starting to find out that one truly is the lonliest number of all. On Friday, the Cavs beat the Raptors despite the fact that Bron Bron's teammates couldn't have found the basket even if someone had decorated it with chocolate-coated supermodels (Sasha Pavlovic was 3-for-11, Delonte West was 1-for-3, Ilgauskas was 5-for-14, Ben Wallace was 0-for-0, Damon Jones was 3-for-9, etc.). The story was pretty much the same against the Bucks on Saturday, only Cleveland didn't win. At 40-31, the Cavaliers chances of reaching 50 wins -- and LeBron's chances of getting the MVP -- seem pretty remote.
Enver Nuggets: The Nuggmiesters are four games into a five-game road trip during which their best defensive effort was to hold the Raptors to 100 points on 50 percent shooting. Over this four-game stretch, they've "held" their opponents to 116 PPG on 55 percent shooting. But they're currently seventh in defensive efficiency, which proves, if nothing else, that numbers can lie.
Portland Trail Blazers: They were 2-0 for the weekend, but those two wins came against the Clippers. And on Friday night, the Blazers let L.A. score 102 points on 56 percent shooting, despite the fact that Al Thornton shot 2-for-10 and both Chris Kaman and Corey Maggette missed the game with tanking injuries. On Saturday, Portland "won" an ugly 83-72 game that made me hate God for giving me eyes. Both teams shot in the high 30s and the Clips hit only 9 percent of their threes (1-for-11).
Los Angeles Clippers: Well, I could hardly leave them out, could I? I mean, first they shoot 56 percent and lost, then they couldn't throw it in the ocean and lost. Oh, and did I mention they're tanking? Well, they're tanking.
C.J. Watson: He had a cool three trillion in Golden State's 109-106 loss to Houston.
Seattle SuperSonics: The Sonics did their best Nuggets impersonation against the Lakers, giving up 130 points and 60 percent shooting -- including 52 percent in threes -- in an ugly blowout loss. I only regret that the team name doesn't have a "D" in it so I could take it away. So I guess I'll have to take it from Kevin Urant instead.
Miami Heat: They went 0-for-the-weekend as Pat Riley missed both games to scout college players in the NCAA tournament. Do you realize that they're 12-57 and may not win another game for the rest of the season?
Sacramento Kings: Another 0-for-the-weekend performance, including a loss to the Grizzlies in which Darko Milicic burned them for 19 and 12. Webster's Dictionary should probably add an entry under "Shame" that includes "Burned by Darko Milicic."
Chicago Bulls: They should just change their name to the Chicago Fourth Quarter Collapses. The latest debacle was vomiting up a 13-point fourth quarter lead to the woeful Indiana Pacers, who outscored the Bullies 35-17 in the final stanza to win 108-101. In Chicago. Speaking of which, the Jerry Reinsdorf has decided that fans weren't paying enough money to watch this crap and therefore raised ticket prices for next season. Now if you'll excuse me, I need to go get me some Bulls season tickets so I can love it live!
Andres Nocioni: On Saturday night, Chapu became the latest Bulls player to flip the hell out when he started cursing at Chicago coach Jim Boylan for benching him after less than three minutes of PT. In fact, Noc was venting so loudly from the bench that Boylan banished him to the locker room for the rest of the game. Nocioni issued an apology afterward, of course. It's probably also worth noting that Noc's family was "in Chicago and at the game for a rare visit," which might have had something to do with the outburst.
Mike D'Antoni: The Suns are winning, and looking good while doing so. But D'Antoni has been using a seven-man rotation for, like, four years now. He does understand that his team is, you know, kind of old, right?
Jerry Stackhouse: Uh, Jerry? I know Manu Ginobili can be a little annoying, but that doesn't mean you're allowed to pull him down from behind and then choke him. David Stern really frowns on that sort of thing. Besides, "crazy" is the exclusive province of Ron Artest and Stephen Jackson. They're not going to appreciate you borrowing their schtick.
Basketbawful: Okay. Maybe I was wrong about the Kidd trade. God the Mavs are in trouble. Especially if the team doctors can't but Humpty Dirky back together again.
Detroit Pistons: Here's a paradox for you: The Pistons have the second-best record in the league (49-20), yet they're only 10-7 since the All-Star break. Am I the only person who's noticed that something's wrong in Detroit?
ESPN headline writers: Joe from Magicballs noticed that ESPN's frontpage headline for the Denver/Toronto game -- A.I., Melo combine for 69, Nuggets hold off Raptors -- would definitely provide a chuckle or two for the maturity challenged. Such as myself.