Tiago Splitter is Goro's son? Who knew?

When you're preparing chicken wings and icing down the beer for Sunday night's Super Bowl, take a few minutes to click over to ESPN at 4:00pm ET for the Chris Paul Celebrity Invitational bowling tournament. I say this not only because I'm one of the handful of people who watches professional bowling and I can actually recognize the pros that will be on this telecast, but also because we're going to have Chris Paul AND Blake Griffin:
The list of celebrities competing in the made-for-TV event include Reggie Bush (former USC star, Super Bowl winner and Miami Dolphins running back), Blake Griffin (L.A. Clippers forward and reigning NBA Dunk Contest champ), Michael Strahan (NFL great, Super Bowl winner and Fox NFL Sunday analyst), Jerry Ferrara (from HBO’s Entourage), Jesse Williams (of ABC’s Grey’s Anatomy), Grammy award-winning recording star Ciara, and comedian Kevin Hart.
Also, Larry Bird news: "I've cried three times my whole life and all three of them was because Magic did something to me."

And I just saw this all over Twitter as I was finishing this post: Andrew Bynum's MySpace page from when he was 17 years old. Unreal.

Worst of the Night in Pictures:

Yeah, sorry about that stat curse I laid on you guys last night, Atlanta...

"For the last time, Mike, there isn't some gray animal on the ground in front of you. You're just seeing your mustache."

This must be sign language for "I have no idea what I'm doing"

Nationally Televised Friday Games:

Knicks at Celtics, ESPN, 8:00pm: From what I'm hearing, Rondo is a gametime decision. Even if you aren't a Celtics fan, you should be looking forward to watching him play again. But more importantly, the rumor is Mike D'Antoni will be fired if the Knicks lose. Ruh roh.

Lakers at Nuggets, ESPN, 10:30pm: Wait a second, didn't Denver just play Los Angeles on national TV last night? On Groundhog Day?? Damn it, Bill Murray. Quit screwing around with time!

All The Other Friday Games:

Cavaliers at Magic, 7:00pm: As passed along to me by Chris, Big Baby Davis is supended for two games by the Magic for "conduct detrimental to the team." In that case, why the hell haven't they suspended Dwight Howard?

Heat at 76ers, 7:00pm: The Sixers have only won one game against the Heat in their last 13 tries. But at least it was a playoff game, so that's something.

Wizards Generals at Craptors, 7:00pm: Huh. I didn't realize it was time for the Null Star game already. (What? You mean this isn't it? Huh.)

Bucks at Pistons, 7:30pm: Still so cold in the D. After losing by ONLY three points to the lowly Nyets, Tayshaun Prince actually said "To be able to have a chance, it felt good. It has been a while."

Timberwolves at Nyets, 7:30pm: This tweet is almost physically painful. "(Nyets) are 30th in defensive efficiency, 30th in FG% defense, 30th in 3pt defense, 26th in Def RB% & 26th in opp FT rate. Yikes."

Suns at Rockets, 8:00pm: The Rockets were playing awesome basketball while their best player was out. Now Kevin Martin comes back and they lose two straight games. Hmm.

Grizzlies at Thunder, 8:00pm: The home court advantage is particularly strong in OKC for some reason. The Thunder are shooting a league-best 50.9% from the floor there.

Pacers at Mavericks, 8:30pm: Dirk's knees not working at 100% is sad for anyone who enjoys good basketball.

Nationally Televised Saturday Games:

Magic at Pacers, NBA TV, 7:00pm: Is it wrong that I look forward to every single Magic game now just to see how badly the wheels can fall off? Nothing against the team, it's just an entertaining trainwreck at this point.

Nuggets at Trail Blazers, 10:00pm: Somebody please take the broken record off the turntable. Greg Orden is set to undergo an arthroscopic procedure on one of his knees. Again. http://www.blazersedge.com/2012/2/3/2769018/blazers-c-greg-oden-to-undergo-arthroscopic-procedure-on-right-knee

All The Other Saturday Games:

76ers at Hawks, 7:00pm: The Sixers will be on the second night of a back-to-back after a battle with the Heat. The Hawks will be on fresher legs and at home. This might be a good barometer for how good the Sixers really are. Or not. Hell, I don't know with this goofy shortened season.

Clippers at Wizards Generals, 7:00pm: Blake Griffin has said he does not plan on entering this year's dunk contest. Kia sales instantly dropped 500%. Meanwhile, Kenyon Martin has agreed to sign with the Clips, but China is still reluctant to let him go anytime soon.

Mavericks at Cavaliers, 7:30pm: A great comment from Fishy: "I think it's funny that the NBA thinks it's worse to criticize the officiating then a coach to kick the ball at fans.. Cuban fined $75,000 while Carlisle is fined $35,000." The lesson, as always? Mark Cuban doesn't give a damn. He's got more money than he knows what to do with.

Hornets at Pistons, 7:30pm: Just think of it this way. SOMEBODY has to win this game.

Nyets at Knicks, 7:30pm: So Amar'e finally decided to transform from STATUE back to STAT against the Bulls. Can he keep it up?

Rockets at Timberwolves, 8:00pm: If I had only one word to describe this game, it'd probably be "scrappy." Which is nice because last year it would have just been "crappy."

Bulls at Bucks, 8:30pm: I just saw this headline on ESPN.com (I can't read anything beyond that since it's an ESPN Insider rumor link)... "Fesenko could be the Bucks' get."

Thunder at Spurs, 8:30pm: Enjoy this one Spurs. It's the last home game you'll have until February 29th.

Bobcraps at Suns, 9:00pm: Charlotte's leading scorer Gerald Henderson is out two to four weeks with a strained hamstring. Abandon all hope. Oh, you already didn't have any hope? Carry on then.

Lakers at Jazz, 9:00pm: Per an anonymous commenter: "Metta World Peace is still the Ron Artest we knew and laughed at." And we are all better for it.

Warriors at Kings, 10:00pm: Devastating comment from deezyL: "This is how Bawful the Whacktown Kings are: Yahoo posted an article of America's Most Miserable Cities. Each of the 10 cities had a depressing picture of the city such as "bank owned" or an arrest. Enter Sacramento's picture to show how miserable the city is; a picture of the Kings. Here's the article." I also deferred to our resident Excremento Purple Paupers expert Chris for his wisdom regarding this game. His take: "Sacramento. A team somehow good enough to beat the Lakers and Blazers this year, yet who knows what against any other team that also employs fully breathing human beings at all five positions."

Nationally Televised Sunday Games:

Grizzlies at Celtics, NBA TV, 12:00pm: The Celtics are second to worst in the league in rebounds per game. Just felt like pointing that out.

All The Other Sunday Games:

Craptors at Heat, 1:00pm: The Craptors are hoping half the Heat don't show up because they're pregaming for the Super Bowl.


Blogger Wormboy said...
Dude, I don't think one scores points by making Mortal Kombat references. Couldn't you at least say that he is the son of Tars Tarkas? (Granted, to split hairs, Tharks don't know their children, but Tars Tarkas did know his daughter Sola).

I think I need to explain that a little bit. The movie John Carter will be coming out in May. Now, it is probably going to be dreck, in large part because the director is making the leap from animated features to, you know, real people. Doesn't that deserve a Hollywood facepalm?

But the book is based on the Martian series of Edgar Rice Burroughs, which is revered by many of the best SF writers (they drop references and homages right and left--I've encountered at least 8, including a major character named by Robert Heinlein). The first three books of this series (A Princess of Mars, The Gods of Mars and The Warlord of Mars) can often be found in an omnibus edition, or in single volumes at your public library. On top of being very well written, exceptionally creative and the best adventure series ever (better than Star Wars or Indiana Jones in print), they are unintentional comedy gold, having been written before 1920. Isn't that what we love around here? Don't you want to read the words "'Rot, Xodar' I ejaculated impatiently."

The first three books will take as long to read as one of these crappy vampire books that all the teen girls read. These books are written for teenage boys, which pretty much describes everybody here, including me, to at least some degree. They are pure awesome. So, do yourself a favor and go out to your library to get the first three. read them before the movie comes out. Easy read. I guarantee you'll thank me.

End of digression inspired by 4 armed Tiago Splitter.


Blogger IsaacOlson said...
I can't believe you missed Ryan Gomes's most bawful performance in the history of basketball on Wednesday vs the Jazz.

In 21 minutes.. 0-3 from the field, zero points, zero rebounds, zero assists, 1 steal, and 3 fouls.. Yes.. you read that right.. there are no typos there.. TWENTY ONE MINUTES.


Blogger IsaacOlson said...
just wanted to add this tidbit from the recap:

Ryan Gomes got the start, but you'd be forgiven if you didn't notice, as he was pretty easy to miss. Gomes played 21 minutes and recorded no points, no rebounds and no assists. The only positive stat he registered was a steal (and that ball more or less just came to him). It is the only time, at least since 1946, that an NBA player has been on the floor for over 20 minutes without getting a point or a rebound. So let's hope Butler can play tonight.

Blogger Dan B. said...
Wormboy -- I have absolutely no idea what anything you just said means. However, for future reference, I do still play a ROM of the original Mortal Kombat arcade game on my computer sometimes. I was like 9 or 10 years old when the game first came out, it's right in my wheelhouse.

Anonymous Anonymous said...
According to basketball-reference.com, such a thing (20+ minutes, no points/rebounds) has happened, including Gomes' pooper scooper of a game, 249 times.

To me, the most bawful performance of all time has to be Joel Anthony's 28:46 of absolute terror, in which he had absolutely no "positive" statistics. No assists, no points, nothing. Only stats he did pick up were 4 fouls and a turnover... Oh, well. He only made 3.3 Million $ that season. Damn, I wish I was 6'9"...

Anonymous Anonymous said...
About Larry Bird only crying 3 times:

"Jesus. Well I've cried three times my whole life and all three of them was because Magic did something to me.

The first time was after a a late night out. We came back to the hotel room both smashed on high hopes and hops. As I lay there on the edge of the bed, Magic sat next to me and started stroking my hair. "Y'know," he said "between you and me. I think we're the greatest players on the planet. Nothing can touch us when we work together. Larry, I want you to know that you complete me". It was at that moment that I understood just how much I loved the man. I curled up next to him and gently wept into his thigh while he played with my hair until I fell asleep.

The last time Magic made me cry was at after a dinner in 1991. He pulled me aside and said we needed to talk. He told me that he was sick and that I might be sick too. He said he was sorry and wished he could take it all back but unfortunately there was nothing he could do. He gently kissed my cheek, wrapped his arms around me, and whispered into my ear "We'll always have 1979."

The second time he made me cry? That's none of your business."


Anonymous Anonymous said...
I wish this was my quote:

"Looks like (Greg Oden) saw his shadow yesterday: six more months of injury."


Anonymous David said...
If I know my Warriors right they'll end up losing this game against Sac... sorry, I mean Excremento.

Anonymous EuroGuy said...
Big Baby appearantly smashed a door in the locker room after his "discussion" with SVG. According to John Denton of Orlandomagic.com:

Everyone knows @iambigbaby11 was suspended. But no one knows about the huge hole in LR wall where he plowed into the door and it hit wall!!!
LR=locker room

Nice going Big Baby. This will earn you a reputation as a locker room guy, though not in the way, you probably wanted.

Anonymous Naz said...
The Clippers are currently 2nd in the Western Conference

This must be what those Mayans were talking about with the world ending this year and all.

Anonymous JJ said...
Did anyone see Nash's block on Kemba Walker? WOW! I'm pretty sure that's Nash's first block highlight ever! He looks a little awkward though, as if he wasn't really expecting to block it.

Anyway, free Steve Nash.

Anonymous Anonymous said...
Unleash Jeremy Lin!!!!!!

Anonymous Barry said...
I don't know about the Clips, man. Curses don't just disappear like that. I keep thinking that Blake Griffin is going to be beheaded by the backboard after another thunder-dunk some time soon. Probably in game 7 of the Finals.

On a related note, this Lob City shit is getting tiresome. Not the actual lobs, of course not, but all the "WOAHHH LOB CITYY HURRDURR" after each and every one of them.

Anonymous Stockton said...
A Laker coach exploding on the refs about a foul: definition of irony

Anonymous The Other Chris said...

Anonymous Anonymous said...
Unrelated to this post.. but wanting to say this for long (been a lurker to this amazing blog)..

Shouldn't you call the "Wizards" - the Washington Idiots? I mean it is an insult to the poor Generals who are paid to lose to be compared to this bunch of nitwits. I mean, almost every "Wizards" watcher would tell you that this team is the one with the lowest collective/individual IQ in the league.

Anonymous Matt said...
Or you could call them the Washington Privates.

It works on a number of levels.

Anonymous Naz said...
I'm right there with you Barry, the way everyone is freaking out over the Clippers is nauseating.

I believe that they'll make it to the playoffs this year but that they'll be a first round exit just like Chris Paul's Hornets always were.

Blogger Wormboy said...
@Dan: Trust me, read the first three Mars books by Burroughs. You won't regret it. The movie, I fear, is going to be a classic Hollywood wreck of some great freakin books. Sigh.

Correction: released March 9.

Blogger Wormboy said...
re: the Clips. The article about Blake Griffin's shortcomings was enlightening. I agree that the Clips are a potential first round upset this season, no more. Not a contender yet. Just typical ESPN webview fellatio, similar tot he "Heat Index" nonsense.