I'm starting to understand why LeBron felt
the need to blindside his boss - heretofore known as
The Mayor of Crazytown.

Dear Commissioner,

I've been sitting in my mansion for the past year watching old DVR'd Cleveland Cavalier games, and you know what I learned? I learned that my team was WAY F***ING BETTER with LeBron James on it. So I write you today with an empassioned plea to follow through on your commitment to maintain competitive balance in this league and force Chris Paul stay right where he is. And go ahead, put it to a vote. I'm pretty sure we can summon a majority of teams who don't want to see the Lakers suck the best talent from the rest of the league like a giant yellow and purple black hole.

What? You tell me that I'm forcing the New Orleans Hornets to suffer the same injustice that I did by losing a superstar and getting nothing in return? Pishaw. I want the best player to stay with the small market team. I have confidence that at the end of the shortened season and even shorter playoff run, Chris Paul will see the error in his public statements and in his internal desires and realize he should stay put. And if he doesn't, if he goes to the Knicks or the Lakers for less money with nothing in return, so the hell what? I had to deal with that, and I managed just fine.

But this isn't about me. This is about the integrity of the League. And I submit that the most upstanding thing for the League to do is squash trades that do not fit with our own narrow-minded definition of what is fair and just.

So not to get too personal or anything, but my therapist tells me I have a God complex. I don't really see how I'm like that. I am all about others. I was not even remotely thinking about my own agenda when I sent my first-born son to represent me in my effort to cleanse the world of its sins.

Nope. Wasn't thinking of myself at all. That wasn't a PR move. That was me being a magnanimous, good-hearted, family man. I think God would agree. In fact, I just talked to Him, and He does.

Anyway, back to the issue at hand. F*** the Lakers. They're even setting themselves up to go get Dwight Howard after securing Chris Paul, and if you think that's competitive balance, then maybe I've forgotten the definition of it since we "resolved" this lockout situation. Some idiots might say that's all "good, forward-thinking team management," or "a willingness to give up talent to get talent," but those people didn't get massively hammered in the keister by LeBron's gigantic ramrod. No seriously - again, not about me - I bought stock in Vaseline right after the "Decision," and am quite happy I did.

So to sum up:
1.) F*** the Lakers.
2.) I hope LeBron James dies in a house fire. Drowning would also be acceptable.
3.) If I propose a trade - Chris Paul for Andersen Varajao and Baron Davis, I don't expect any flak. Yeah, yeah, Hurricane Katrina and all that - but if you're about to compare a little wind and water with the thoughtless, tragic departure of an all-time great Superstar, then it sounds to me like I'm not the only one being accused of God complexity. (That's because I just accused you of it - I wanted to explain that because it's clever and I didn't want you to miss it).

Dan Gilbert

P.S.> A few of my friends are affixing their signatures to this document, as they feel the same way I do.


Take that, Buss.
Signed, Mark Cuban


Not a player anymore. Sorry, Chris.
Thought this 'stache was just a coincidence?
Signed, God


Not really famous, not attractive, and I own the Knicks. Life sucks.
Signed, James Dolan

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Anonymous Matt said...
I was wondering how basketbawful was going to respond to the NBA nixing the trade. I was not disappointed.

Blogger Paul said...
All in agreement to declare the birth of a new worldwide holiday, raise your hands!

New generations will rejoice and celebrate December 8 the international day of Basketbawful.
It's "Patron Saints" David Stern and Dan Gilbert will rightfully take their place among historical figures such as Krusty the Klown.

Anonymous Anonymous said...
I think my favorite part of Gilbert's letter was saying that if CP3 goes to LA then the league might as well rename 25 of the 30 NBA teams to the Washington Generals

The playoffs were really competitive last year and I'm sure that by trying to trade away their post presence to get CP3 the Lakers would get worked over by Dirk just like last year. Just because Cleveland sucks doesn't mean that the entire league sucks.

I'm with you Ted, New Orleans should at least get something out of it if CP3 is dead set on leaving the team.

Blogger Michael Hsu said...
You can't emphasize this statement enough!

"When the Lakers got Pau Gasol (at the time considered an extremely lopsided trade) they took on tens of millions in additional salary and luxury tax and they gave up a number of prospects (one in Marc Gasol who may become a max-salary player)."

THIS IT THE EXACT REASON WHY THE LOCKOUT HAPPENED. Stupid owners like Dan Gilbert pay way the heck too much for mediocre players. Marc Gasol will NOT EVER be a max contract player. He is doing 12 ppg, 7 rpg, 1.7 bpg and that suddenly means max contract?

People who dominate euro league are PROVEN to not dominate NBA. He had no credibility to be anything more then a decent player and this idiot Dan Gilbert thinks he's going to be a max contract player in the NBA.

Now we all know that Lebron made the right choice. Riley got Lebron and Bosh to help Wade he got...what Jamison, Mo Williams, Over the hill Shaq, Over the Hill Ben Wallace, Delonte West, and Wally Szerbiak to help Lebron.

Dan Gilbert needs to leave there is no hope for the Cav. Lose Kyrie Irving to FA in 4 years. Calling it.

Blogger kazam92 said...
First of all. Agree with first two posts

Mike - While I agree Marc Gasol isn't a max player, he is far better than his numbers suggest. Skilled in the post, excellent passer like his bro and tougher than him. Dude was stellar in the playoffs. His reg season numbers are underwhelming only because he shares the frontcourt with Randolph and Gay. While I hate to quote Bill Simmons, "You can win the NBA title if Marc Gasol is your 3rd third-best player."

But yeah. Fuck Dan Gilbert.

Blogger Evil Ted said...
This is a very well-reasoned assessment of the mess Stern, Gilbert, et al, have managed to make:


Blogger kazam92 said...
Cheers to Larry Coon for that.

Blogger Paul said...
Wow, nice piece by Coon. Great read!


"You can win the NBA title if Marc Gasol is your 3rd third-best player."

Do you think it is a wise movement for a small market team to pay max salaries to 3 players?
If you can afford keeping Marc Gasol with max salary as your 3rd best player it will be proof in itself taht you either dont know how to count money or you have never been beaten before.

Anonymous Czernobog said...
One issue Coon doesn't address is the fact that the contracts the Hornets would be taking on would put them over the luxury tax. considering the team is owned by the league that is relevant.

Still, the Hornets were the ones benefiting from the deal, IMO. The Lakers weren't really getting better, and the Rockets were getting jobbed.

Anonymous Motherfunker said...
Orlando signs Larry Hughes. Atlanta signs Knee-Mac and Radmanovic. Miami signs Eddy Curry. Not bad for that International Day of Basketbawfull.

Blogger chris said...
Unrelated, but relevant:

The Hornets' financial issues - and league ownership - relate to the situation of them remaining in New Orleans (for better or for worse) after their successful year in Oklahoma City, while Clay Bennett happily jobbed the Pacific Northwest.

The guy who sold the Sonics to Clay Bennett, Starbucks CEO Howard Schultz?

Fortune Magazine businessman of the year.

I don't blame folks in Washington state for a life-long resentment of the Association, I know if the Maloofs had been allowed to scoot off to Anaheim, I would probably be feeling the same exact way.

As such I look at this entire situation this way: all this proved is that the lockout solved absolutely nothing - regardless of where one stands on the deal.

Blogger kazam92 said...

I never said anything about Memphis specifically resigning him. I understand the situation they are in, with already having money tied into Gay, Randolph, and Conley.

If some team is gonna overpay a center, it should be Marc. Nets chose to pay Nene 17 mil instead.

Blogger Wormboy said...
I gotten so used to ignoring the NBA that I didn't even hear about this stuff until Saturday!

Everybody seems terrified of Chris Paul in LA for one season, but a) the odds are even that Bynum doesn't play through the playoffs, and b) Kobe is well down the slide from his peak. *IF* Bynum is 100% through the playoffs they are a contender, otherwise not.

And Jesus H Christ has Stern screwed up. He got so used to manipulating officiating that he thinks he can do it with personnel movements as well. Still, everybody says "Stern has got to go," but the fact is that he just pulled off another CBA victory for the owners. Remember that Stern is an employee of the owners, and them alone. A few loose cannons like Gilbert might be enraged, but most of the owners realize that they make lots of money with Stern in charge. That is ALL that any of this is about.

Anonymous Eugene Z said...
Stern did the right thing, plain and simple; there is no way that a team owned by the NBA can get away with trading a top 5 player to a contender after fighting over a CBA which was supposed to create parity in the league. The majority of the NBA owners (who are collectively owners of the Hornets) simply didn't feel like having their collectively owned team raped on this trade. I mean everyone was going on about how great this trade would have been great for the Hornets but that is a huge load of bs. What were the Hornets going to do with Scola, Martin, Odom, and a 25-30 1st rounder? Forget rebuilding these guys are all 30+. Ah they would be relegated to mediocrity; not good enough to compete, not bad enough to get a decent lottery pick. The Paul for Rondo, Green, and a 1st rounder proposal is clearly better, not immediately perhaps, but for a team currently rebuilding, definitely better (Note: not a Celtics fan).

Anonymous Czernobog said...
After the dust has settled, I've come to the conclusion that just about everyone writing about this has missed the point.

The league is trying to find a buyer for the Hornets. The deal would've put them over the salary cap (teams looking to sell tend to try and dump salaries, not take them on.)

Demps is an ass, and any owner in the same situation would've nixed the deal. All this talk of powerhouses and unfairness and Dan Gilbert is amusing, but nonsensical.

Blogger Bing said...
Dan Gilbert is an idiot, he is never ever attracting a top flight free agent to his miserable team. Too much craziness. How he can't see this, I dunno.

For similar reasons, I can't really see Paul agreeing to the Clippers. Even with the awesomeness of Blake.

Also, I'm resigned to the fact that Kupchak has poisoned LA. Thanks for nothin'.

Blogger Murcy said...

given that it's the clippers, pretty sure gordon will catch ebola, paul's knees will blow out, jordan's house will burn down adn griffin will turn out to be an illegal alien from mars, but damn, this is giving me a basketboner

Blogger The Sports Hayes said...
Remember when the Celtics traded Perkins and Laker fans jumped for joy? Well if the Paul trade went through then Celtics fans would have done the same thing.

I know the Paul trade was designed for the Lakers to get Dwight Howard next year but this year it would have left them a mess. Unless Bynum turned into Dwight Howard they would be very weak inside and the sad part (for the Lakers) is that Bryant isn't getting any younger.

Getting rid of Fischer, Gasol and Odom makes the Lakers younger with Paul and Caracter playing a more predominant role...but what if the Lakers DON'T get Howard next year? It reminds me when Knicks fans gave Lebron James a standing ovation when the Cavs played in Madison Square Garden because they were so sure he was coming to NY....ha!

Blogger kazam92 said...
So CP3 to the Clips has been submitted and I think the Clips get to keep Eric Gordon. The clips would have a hell of a starting 5 if Stern doesn't ban the trade

Anonymous JJ said...
I'm not a Laker fan or a Gasol fan, but I wouldn't trade Gasol. I'd definitely get rid of Bynum instead. A young man with bad knees is not a "young" man. Look at Brandon Roy. What a sad ending to a promising career.

I might make an exception if I knew I was getting Dwight later. But, I don't think Lakers can be sure of that.

Blogger Wormboy said...
@Eugene: I couldn't disagree more. Chris Paul leaves for free agency in 8 months, no way in hell he stays in N.O. Now, either the Hornets get something in return for him, or they get nothing. Which would you choose? Building blocks or nothing? Or, look at it another way. Look what happened to Cleveland after LeBron left? They didn't have crap, and will suck for many years. Had they traded LeBron they could have gotten some good pieces and stayed in the middle of the pack. The difference is that Cleveland had some reason to hope that LeBron would stay. Zero chance of Paul staying. He's a guy who wants a legacy for himself. He wants to be a contender, and N.O. will never offer him that.

So, David Stern truly ****s the Hornets. They need to unload Paul to get those pieces, and Stern won't let them. And in what universe is it acceptable for Stern to randomly nix a trade? There was nothing illegal about that trade. Nothing. Therefore no grounds to block it. Just Stern playing Emperor Palpatine again, and coincidentally convincing the conspiracy theorists that Stern rigs officiating. Because, hey, if the man will stoop to publicly manipulating trades/rosters, stooping to putting certain officials into certain playoff games is small potatoes, right?

And remember that I loathe the Lakers more than any franchise in sports. But this was just plain wrong. And illegal.

Blogger Wormboy said...
Holy shit!


So, a world leader as NBA owner? Or, a billionaire NBA owner jailed by Putin, like Mikhail Khodorkovsky. Jesus H. Christ! Best NBA December EVER, and we're only 12 days in.

Anonymous Anonymous said...
@Eugne: Also, I'm sure Demps didn't plan to keep Odom, Scola, and Martin for the whole season. Each player (plus Ariza and Okafor) would surely have demanded several picks/prospects from contenders at the trade deadline.

Blogger Michael Hsu said...
Hey guys the Hornets got **** for CP3. Caveman is worst then LO and bledso and aminu are worse then Martin and then they get a free scola who is also better then Caveman.

The third best player thing is stupid. I could win with Ostertag as my third best player if the first two were MJ and Larry Bird (nod to ET)

Chalk that phrase down for famous last words.

LOL and the Warriors give DeAndre Jordan 10 million. You can tell which teams will never win. 10 mill for a bench player. LO doesn't even make that much. Jason Terry makes about that much. Ginobili makes a little more. So according to the warriors DeAndre Jordan is better then Lamar Odom, almost as good as Jason Terry.

Just think about that.

Anonymous Anonymous said...
Definitely did not think the Indiana Pacers would come out after the lockout and make all this noise.

They are not title contenders but if they end up getting OJ Mayo, in another boneheaded move by the king of boneheads, Chris Wallace, they will have a nasty rotation of 8-9 guys. If they gel over the short season and stay healthy, I can see them making a push in the East and upsetting one of 3 or 4 teams you know will be in contention.

Completely disagreeing with what I just said, I think by signing Shane Battier, the Heat have just won the title. Makes the best defense in the NBA even better somehow.

Blogger kazam92 said...
Marc Gasol got paid a bit too much (looking like the Rudy Gay deal pt 2), but at least he's skilled and efficient. DeAndre's deal is absurd.

Agree with Anon. Pacers have made a nice haul and have a very solid 9 man rotation. Offensively, that is a difficult starting 5 to cover.

Blogger kazam92 said...
And Mike. I don't buy your logic. The Bulls didn't win with Luc Longley or Will Purdue as their third best guy. They won with Horace Grant and then Ron Harper (or you could argue Kukoc/Rodman). Bird/McHale's third best guy was clearly Parish.

Blogger Factfinder said...
Dallas trades for Odom to piss off Kobe.

Dallas then signs Delonte West to piss off Lebron.


Anonymous Stockton said...
Jamal Tinsley will run the point at Utah!!
Just wait and see the newest SLC miracle happen...

Oh man, I missed thiis...

Anonymous Anonymous said...
Can anybody explain wtf the Mavs are up to? Not re-signing Chandler and Butler but getting Odom and Vince Carter? Yeah this will end well...

Anonymous Czernobog said...
Alright, hold everything, guys.

As I'm sure you've heard, Mikhail Prokhorov has decided to run for Presidency against Putin.

My brain is overloaded with Bawesome. Can you imagine it? President Prokhorov's Nets?

Blogger Wormboy said...
@Czerno, see my "holy shit!" post above.

Given that the last Russian billionaire to challenge Putin is still languishing in a Russian prison, this raises some serious issues. This story is IMO as fundamental as the Stern-canceling-Paul-trade issue.

Blogger kazam92 said...
It'll be the cold War pt. 2 whenever we have a Washington vs New Jersey game!

Anonymous Anonymous said...
Kwame Brown. 7 million $/1 year with the Warriors, according to reports. KWAME BROWN! I miss the lockout.

When is Basketbawful (Matt) comming back? Is he comming back at all?

Anonymous Anonymous said...
The Prokhorov is the Anti-Christ.

Anonymous Czernobog said...
@Wormboy, Sorry,I was so excited I just did a ctrl+f search for Prokhorov and didn't bother going through the comments.

To me the Paul trade is a non-issue. An owner trying to sell their franchise refused a trade proposed by an incompetent GM that would've put the team over the salary cap and made it unmovable.End of story.

The Prokhorov thing however is interesting. A Russian president privately owning an American organization? Never mind that it's a sports team, it just sounds so odd. And apparently it's possible, even if it doesn't happen this time around.