bob _vw
Nobody with that hair should bother
denying allegations of anything...ever.

Unofficial transcript of phone call made by Ex-CEO of the Orlando Magic, Bob Vander Weide, who allegedly drunk dialed Dwight Howard begging him to stay with the Magic:

"Dwight, listen, yes, I have had a couple of adult beverages, but don't take that to mean I am not fully behind the statements I am about to make. You are f***ing awesome, I'll admit that. Hell, I'll even admit that you're more man than I am. Alright, let's face it, you could crush me into a fine powder with little more than a nasty look.

"Look, you and I both know this team would suck a** without you. I mean, seriously, Stan [Van Gundy] already can't get the most out of our what do you think he's going be able to do if-"

(sound of vomiting)

"I'm sorry about that, Dwight. Listen. You want me to get rid of Stan? Done. You name your coach, and I'll f***ing get him. I swear. I'll handcuff Phil Jackson to the bumper of my Mercedes and drag him to Orlando if that will make you-" BEEEEEEEP.

Call #2:

"Sorry Big D, the machine cut out on me. Don't be like your answering machine, Dwight! Don't quit on me, man. You're my Peyton Manning. Yeah, Jammy Nelson looks great on did Reggie Wayne, right? But that's only when they've got an anchor of greatness to - one sec (away from phone, to someone else) yes, vodka straight up, make it a double (back on phone) Where was I? Oh yeah, you're an anchor, dude. If only the Titanic had you, they wouldn't have run into that iceberg...ok, bad analogy, but seriously, man-" BEEEEEEEEP.

Call #3:

"Ok, last time, I swear. What about hookers? I can get you the finest women in the Orlando area, my friend. And I'm talking the good ones - disease free and fixed on the inside - no baby momma stuff to worry about. You feeling me, Dwight? Dude....bro....ok, that was a little racist. I would never presume to call you my bro. That was not cool, and I apologize for it. So anyway-" BEEEEEEP.

Call #4:

"That beep came quicker that time. Your machine must be getting full. That's why I'm calling again. I didn't get a chance to say what I really wanted to say. (pause)...If you leave, so help me God - expect it when you least expect think Dan Gilbert made LeBron's life difficult in that last year? I swear, I'll-" BEEEEEP.

Call #5:

"Dwight (sniffle), I'm on a pay phone. My Blackberry died. Damn Crackberries, right? Ha. Listen, I just hope you didn't take what I just said as a threat or anything. I didn't mean it that way. What I really meant to say was I love you, man. (hiccup)...(recorded operator voice) Please insert 50 cents.

Call #6:

"OK, last call, I swear. I was going to ask you to be the Best Man at my son's wedding. I don't think he wants that but, you know what? F*** him. This is about what Dwight needs. (pause)...Dwight? Pick up. I'm going to kill myself if you don't pick up. No pressure...(long pause)" BEEEEEEP.

Call #7:

"I'm still alive. I just wanted you to know that in case you were feeling guilty or were worried you had nobody to negotiate the terms of your new contract with, I'm still here."

24 Hours later

"Hey D. I just wanted you to know that I'm stepping down as CEO. Did you tell somebody about my calls last night?"


Next week:
"Hi Chris...Can I call you that? Do you prefer Mr. Paul?"

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Blogger Evil Ted said...
Anon - Ask and ye shall receive!

Anonymous Anonymous said...
Hahah... There it is! Thanks Ted! You're the best.

Blogger chris said...
I feel like this needs to be done in xtranormal form for maximum comedy. :D

Blogger kazam92 said...
Awesome. Read it in a "drunk guy" voice.

Blogger Paul said...
So... How do you boys feel about the Rondo for CP3 talk?

Anonymous tripucka said...
when's matt coming back?

Anonymous JJ said...
It's official. Miami is not winning a title this year.

"Excellent shape". I literally LOLed.

Anonymous Anonymous said...
I hope CP3's knee explodes and Pau suddenly becomes a hombre. I also wish this bottle was big enough to make me forget everything NBA-related. Damn everything to hell.

Anonymous Anonymous said...

Why, oh why, can't it be a musical?

Blogger kazam92 said...
Most bawful few hours of NBA I can remember. Trade vetoed. Because the owners bitched up Stern. It's absolutely time for him to go.

Anonymous Ben said...

Blogger Paul said...
@ET and Mr. Bawful

I will not forgive you if you at least don't try to put the vetoed cp3 in pictures, cartoon or something.

Today will go down as one of the most embarrassing days for the association.

Anonymous Karc said...
The NBA needs to go back to the corner. It clearly needs a longer timeout.

Blogger Paul said...
Dan Gilbert's letter to Stern about the CP3 trade

Blogger The Sports Hayes said...
I don't think the Celtics are getting CP3....if the league was pissing and moaning about the Lakers getting him, they sure as hell are going to ixnay any deals with the Celtics.

Anonymous Anonymous said...
Ok Evil Ted, if you made a new bawful entry about Vander Weide drunk dialing Dwight, you HAVE to make a new bawful entry about CP3 being traded to the Lakers and all that craziness, only for David Stern to say "Nope" and the whole thing falls apart.

Or that part of the new CBA involves the league not being able to test players for steroids. Either or.

Anonymous Anonymous said...
The League vetoing Paul-to-LAL trade?! Eddy Curry joining the Heat?!

United Nations just declared 9 December Basketbawful Day of the Year ...

Blogger chris said...
Hey, Brandon Roy might retire due to knee problems.

What IS it with Portland's medical staff through the decades?!?!?

Blogger kazam92 said...
Chris - I think if T-Mac went to Portland, he would have self combusted. That place is cursed.

Blogger Michael Hsu said...
LOL Dan Gilbert thinks Marc Gasol could be a max deal player. No wonder Lebron left. Now we all know that Lebron made the right choice. It makes him look so good and Dan Gilbert a huge moron.

Anonymous Matt said...
What has happened to the NBA, veto of a trade is absurd. I'm not even a Lakers fan and I think Paul should be on the Lakers. I hope Paul sues, I hope the Rockets sue, shit I even hope the Lakers sue. Stern has lost it

Anonymous Barry said...
Cue Dan Gilbert giving Marc Gasol a max contract in the future and Gasol eventually leaving in a televised decision special.