Well, it appears to be finally coming - a ratification of an agreement to end the NBA lockout which could give us a 66-game season and NBA games starting on Christmas Day.

Some players are threatening to oppose the agreement, insisting that the players have given up too much, but a simple scan of the terms proves that the players managed to get a very reasonable deal.

hunterstern
Which guy looks like he won?

The terms of the agreement under consideration are as follows:

- The player/owner revenue split will go from 57/43 to 50/50, sending approximately 3 billion dollars to the owners.

- Given the ability to keep their finances from the public, owners will be allowed to continue to secretly shovel barrels of money into the cornucopia of financially insolvent teams overrun by boobs - namely, the WNBA.

- NBA players shown doing charitable work such as handing out Thanksgiving turkeys, building houses, and reading books to school children must actually perform the work. Standing in front of a blue screen and mimicking charitable behavior will no longer be accepted.

- Blake Griffin and LeBron James will spend one evening per month giving David Stern a sponge bath - undercarriage scrub included.

griffin
"I left a lucrative pitchman career for this?"

- The Boston Celtics starting lineup, with the exception of Rajon Rondo, will send a basket full of fruits and fine cheeses to Celtics Owner Wyc Grousbeck as thanks for a shortened, old-person friendly season.

- Delonte West must continue to be a furniture mover, and cannot return to the NBA under any circumstances.

- Kobe Bryant must wipe that smug grin off his face.



- Dirk Nowitzki will sign a legally-binding contract revealing to the world that he is in fact from Crested Butte, Colorado, and not Germany.

- Dwight Howard will play with one hand tied behind his back to 1.) Promote more offense, and 2.) Decrease by half the likelihood that he will behead one of the league's shorter superstars with an "unintentional" elbow.

- Derrick Rose will only play basketball on a court, and will not pretend he's a gay basketball-playing-toreador-amigo...oh wait, he's a bull. I just got that. Ok, that's kinda cool.



- As a further cost-saving measure, Conrad Murray will become the Minnesota Timberwolves' team doctor upon release from jail.

- Instead of fines, players criticizing NBA referees or owners will be subject to firing squad.

- Mark Cuban's 2012 tweets will be compiled and submitted to Congress for consideration as an amendment to the U.S. Constitution.

cubanstern
The keys to the hidden evil lair?
I thought I gave them to you.

- Kevin Durant will live in the home of a Thunder fan for the duration of the shortened season. The promotion will be called: "Thunder down under ... ya roof."

- The Miami Heat will be renamed to the Miami "Two and a Half Men." Ashton Kutcher will appear at home games to fire Miami TAAHM T-shirts into the crowd.

- Less-talented NBA coaches will be forced to hire to celebrity assistants to divert attention from their incompetence.

mikebrown
Wait, so I only have 66 games to drive
this franchise into the ground?

Challenge accepted.

So there you have it. The players clearly got a sa-weet deal.

Next up, training camp in December!
Merry Christmas, all. Let the awfulness begin.

BONUS:

Why do we need basketball back? Because this is the most exciting thing that can happen in hockey (start at the 1:10 mark for the fireworks):


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30 Comments:
Anonymous Anonymous said...
Now the optimist/basketball fan in me really wants to believe that this is the end of the lockout


But there's still that nagging part of me that thinks every other deal has failed so far, why not this one too?


Does anyone else share my worries?

Anonymous Stockton said...
Oh f###, reading this post was like taking a 18 year-old scotch after a month with no liquor.

But the key question is: will scalabrine come back?

Blogger Dan B. said...
The captions on the last two pictures are perfect, ET. Damn it's good to be back.

Anonymous Anonymous said...
damn cuban got the most disproportionate body EVER

look at his tiny little legs!

Anonymous Anonymous said...
Great to read you again. I declare this, the season of Bawful.

Blogger Evil Ted said...
People must be revving up for the basketball season...from the Halloween post came this Anonymous nugget today:

"Why are you so lame, Evil Ted?

It's not about your writing; you're good, you're funny and I like it.

It's just you. You freak out when people criticize you (ON THE FUCKING INTERNET), you talk about yourself the way that we did when we were 8, and you don't seem to have anyone around to tell you what a goddamned loser you can be."

The only thing better than demented criticism? UNPROVOKED demented criticism.

The season of Bawful has indeed begun! Happy generic holidays, non-denominational readers!

Blogger Onandonymous said...
It's funny - the matadors look like they're wearing Laker colors, but shouldn't they be wearing Warriors or Kings uniforms?

Anonymous kazam92 said...
Well, I fail to see how the season helps older team like the Celtics. There will be back-to-back to backs as well as back-to-back playoff games.


A mess. But I don't care. I want basketball. Enough of the Dullphins

Anonymous Axel F said...
Here's a celebratory Malone video for you

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=459NuJnRyxQ&feature=feedu

Anonymous JJ said...
ET, thanks for the post to get us going on this bawful-before-it-even-started season! I'm looking forward to this. It can only go downhill from here.

On a side note, I know your seasonal greeting was tongue-in-cheek, but I know many people say that seriously and it really irritates me. It's freaking Christmas! Someone doesn't celebrate it? So what? Wishing someone a "happy" whatever is not an insult just because that person doesn't celebrate it. In order to be politically correct and avoid insulting anyone, it seems like everything in our society is just becoming generic or unnecessarily complicated.

Sorry for the rant. Had to get it off my chest. Yay for internet as an outlet.

Blogger Jerry Vinokurov said...
I read in the NYT that the BRI split was actually 51.2% in favor of the players.

wooo basketbawful is back

Anonymous Anonymous said...
Will Mr. Basketbawful himself be back as well? Last thing I read here sounded like he had a depression or something.

Blogger Wormboy said...
Thanks for reminding me why I hate the NHL. College or Olympic hockey? Awesome sport. NHL? Dumbass thugs.

So thank god we won't be increasing hockey's share in our pop culture too much.

On a positive note, it will be good to see you fellas back in the saddle. The weird thing? At Thanksgiving I told a friend we'd probably have a first game at Christmas or something (we were trashing LeBron, so a Miami Christmas game was obvious).

Anonymous AdriĆ  said...
Thanks ET for this post, I'm glad bawful will be back. Still, it's the most praised bawful on Earth, we need it.

Blogger kazam92 said...
From my understanding, the BRI for players is dependent on how the league does. If it exceeds then players get excess of 51%. If it is at par then 50-50 split and if it's below then it's a 49-51-ish split.

Blogger Fishy said...
Evil Ted your evil lame-ness is an inspiration to us all!

Blogger Wormboy said...
Given that the owners appear to lie about their financial losses and there is a total lack of transparency in accounting, how will the players ever be able to be able to enforce the more favorable terms of the CBA? I suspect that the players will get screwed into the least favorable compensation (i.e. the owners will claim poor profits), and counting on anything more would be foolish. But I don't claim to know any details of the agreement. It just seems an obvious loophole given how hotly contested the owners' "$300 million loss" figure was.

Blogger chris said...
Hey, I'd like to award the ultimate lacktion award to the entire NBA for those lost 16 games. Great going, guys!

At least they will be starting a full half month earlier than the 1999 half-season. Progress!

Blogger Michael Hsu said...
I bet the owners complain that they lost money this season at the end of July as well!

Blogger Dan B. said...
So the NBA lockout essentially ends at the same time a kidney stone began attacking my insides. Coincidence? I THINK NOT.


(I've been to the emergency room three times since Saturday, including this morning when I spent nearly four consecutive hours in the second worst pain I've ever felt in my life. The worst pain was Saturday morning when the kidney stone first seriously attacked. When Percoset doesn't even take the edge off the pain, you know shit just got real.)

Blogger Evil Ted said...
That's a bummer. Get better, Dan B! When the agony is over, take a picture of the little bastard (the kidney stone, not your weenis) and we can name it David Stern or Kobe Bryant or something.

Blogger stephanie g said...
I hope everyone didn't forget how to shoot like after the last lockout.

Blogger Michael Hsu said...
Is it over? I didn't read about anything getting signed, but they said the doors opened today.

Blogger Wormboy said...
@Dan B: Geez man, sorry to hear about that. I can relate to and respect the pain, plus the horror of the ER. A coupla years ago I was in the ER 10 times in the space of two years, surrounding my kidney transplant. All's well now, but there was a lot of suffering at the time. I now know what "10" on the pain scale is, as I'm sure you do. Best of luck to you!

Anonymous JJ said...
I'm not sure if it's officially over. Last thing I read was that some players were back at "work" and that players have reformed the union so the union can accept the deal.

Anonymous Howdy said...

Blogger KHayes666 said...
It would have been a great schedule for the Celtics if it were 50 games like the last one.

But 66 games with back to backs up the wazoo, there goes that advantage.

Anonymous EuroGuy said...
Bawfulness in the front office or going out in style?:
http://www.cfnews13.com/article/sports/2011/december/354487/Magic-CEO-Bob-Vander-Weide-to-retire
There are so many ways to twist this story, my head is exploding.

Blogger lordhenry said...
Deep in the mountains of L.A....in the Citadel of Minas Mamba The Dark Lord Kobe "Bean" Bryant he of the broken finger, formerly gimply knee healed by platelet therapy, 5 rings, and a sweep by the Dallas Mavericks drags the stolen George Gervin throne back into the throne room.

Darth Vega(Pau Gasol) looks on.
"I thought that was destroyed?"

Kobe looks up,
"Yeah, that was the one that was 'Made from the frozen tears of Cavaliers fans' remember? Kinda glad Dirk destroyed it, having that around now that Mike Brown is the coach might be bad."

Pau raises an eyebrow,
"Actually, Dirk threw you through it, and just HAVING Mike Brown as our coach might be bad."

The Mamba glares over his shoulder,
"Thanks, Pau, don't you have something to do before you get traded?"

Anonymous Devon said...
I hope everybody did not forget a way to shoot like once the last lockout.

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