Kneel before me, cretins.

Hello, fools. I, Victor Von Doom, Doctor, have conquered Basketbawful. I will now provide my own matchless rendition of Worst of the Night.

LeBron James: So..."King James" had 31 points and 12 assists. Bah. There is only one true king, and that is Doom. And now James wants the NBA to retire Michael Jordan's number. Feh. James stole Doom's idea. What? You did not know? Years ago, Doom demanded that the people of earth retire the use of iron masks to honor Doom's many accomplishments, such as when he kidnapped several U.N. ambassadors and replaced their genitals with snapping monkey heads. Did it work? What do you think, fools? Have you ever seen anyone other than Doom wearing an iron mask? I think not.

Shaquille O'Neal: Hm. After a half-dozen grueling 20-minute stints for his new team, O'Neal is taking a short vacation. Oh, wait, Doom apologizes. O'Neal is "injured." Yes, of course. And Doom's penis is over two feet long. No, really. It is. Beware the unstoppable Cock of Doom!

The Golden State Warriors: Doom knows little of this fool's sport called basketball. However, I did note that the Cavaliers were without two members of their starting frontcourt (O'Neal and the fool Andersen Varejao) and then lost a key backup (Jamario Moon). And yet Cleveland still scored a season-high 114 points on 58 percent shooting and J.J. Hickson went 9-for-9 from the field. Warriors: your defensive failures disgust Doom. Be gone!

Update! Andris Biedrins: Doom fan Leland contacted Doom to let him know that Biedrins missed the Warriors-Cavaliers game with a condition known as Osteitis pubis. Do not forget the "Doctor" part of "Doctor Doom"! Listen, cretins, and I will explain this condition. Osteitis pubis results from excessive physical strain on the pubic bone, which is usually caused by rapid changes of direction that force the abdominal and groin muscles to exercise a pulling or traction force on the pubic bone. So, clearly, Biedrins was sidelined by furious masturbation, probably to a phota of Doom himself. Andris: Doom is flattered. He really is. But Doom loves no man...but himself. Which is why he surrounds himself with Doom Bots created in his own image. Except for the Fleshlight inserted into their robotic groins. But enough! Doom's personal life is only for him to know!

The Miami Heat: There are certain things that make Doom giggle. Death. Torture. His own unstoppable flatulence. And successful sports teams that cannot fill their own arena. Doom is told that Dwyane Wade is one of the best and most exciting basketball players on this pitiful planet. Nonetheless, Miami's arena was so empty that fans from the upper decks were allowed to move to the lower level.

This reminds Doom of a story. Some time ago, Doom held a public assembly to celebrate his own matchless completion of a 1,000-piece jigsaw puzzle. One particularly foolish Latverian peasant had the unmitigated audacity to stop applauding after not even four hours of non-stop applause. Doom will never forget the peasant's pleas of mercy as Doom's own iron fist slowly choked the life out of him. "Please, my Lord," the fool said, "I spent the previous 17 hours applauding your peerless victory over a crossword puzzle of moderate difficulty, and the 11 hours before that were spent applauding your Candy Land victory over several four-year-olds. Furthermore, due to the 127% Latverian tax rate, I have had to surrender all my money, food and personal belongings to your tax collectors. I haven't eaten in weeks, save for a few pieces of moldy bread and a cup of gruel. I am weak, and tired, but my loyalty and love for my Lord Doom is unwavering." He continued blubbering in that manner for several more minutes before Doom finally crushed his windpipe. Let that be a lesson to you all: Doom does not accept excuses!

Now, where was I? Ah, yes, the Heat. Those fools lost 100-87 at home to the Oklahoma City Thunder. What ignominy! Miami was outshot (48 to 43 percent), out-rebounded (41-36), and out-assisted (19-17). The Heat also missed 10 free throws. Pathetic. If Doom were coaching the Heat, he would place each of them in an elaborate mechanism that would bring about their death lest they hit 100 consecutive foul shots. Of course, the device would be emitting toxic gas and firing lasers at them while they attempted the free throws. Such is the cruelty of Doom.

The New Jersey Nets: The so-called "Nyets" fell at home to the Indiana Pacers 91-83 and thus earned a place among history's worst basketball teams. Only five teams since 1994-95 have begun a season with more consecutive losses than the Nets: the 1997-98 Denver Nuggets (12), the 1996-97 Phoenix Suns (13), the 2002-03 Memphis Grizzlies (13), the 1994-95 Los Angeles Clippers (16) and the 1998-99 Los Angeles Clippers (17). This is unacceptable. The Vulture, pathetic though he is, has more wins over Spider-man than the Nets have over anyone. Doom is so deeply offended by this shameful display of basketball putrescence that he has designed a device that causes his feces to materialize in New Jersey coach Lawrence Frank's mouth every time Doom takes one of his matchless dumps. Beware the scatological terror of Doom!

Doom was particularly delighted to read this melancholy quote from Chris Douglas-Roberts, who suffered defeat despite scoring a career-high 27 points: "It's nothing if we don't win. My numbers don't matter if we're losing because you are labeled a loser. It doesn't matter what you're doing on a losing team. Nobody really cares. I know I don't." Doom agrees completely...fool.

Doom also giggled at the following quote from the Associated Press recap: "Hoping to end the skid, the Nets asked their fans to show support with a '10 is enough!' plan, giving each season-ticket holder two tickets to bring additional fans. But the announced attendance was only 11,332, and now there are still no wins."

Update! Chris Douglas-Roberts, unintentionally dirty quote machine: The fool AnacondaHL risked being vaporized by Doom's orbiting plasma cannon by pointing out an ommission in Doom's WotN entry. However, the mild but pleasant amusement this quote brought Doom has not been matched since he had an old middle school rival savagely beaten, coated in bronze and made into a foot stool. And so: "Dr. Doom should also mention the unintentionally dirty quote and subsequent man love denial by CD-R in the Nets Team Report: 'I really felt good. I heard at one point in the game (Saturday) coach was like, 'We need to give Chris a blow,' and I told him, 'No, I don’t need a blow.'"

The humor, of course, is that, in this case, the word "blow" is a homograph, meaning both "a short rest" and "oral sexual gratification." Muwahahahahaha! Muwahahahahahah!! Muwhahahahahaha!!! Right...moving on then...

Update! Travis Diener: Doom fan DKH informed Doom that Indiana's Diener missed the Nets-Pacers game due to "sore toes." Doom then discovered that these sore toes have prevented Diener from playing a single game this season. Amazing. Doom does not have the technological or mystical resources necessary to create a bigger human vagina than Deiner. And don't think that Doom hasn't tried. He has tried. Oh, how he has tried...

The Los Angeles Clippers: Even as a child, Doom possessed genius beyond measure. He used that peerless intellect to splice the DNA of his pet puppy with that of a goldfish. And then an iguana. And then a grapefruit. And then an old photo of Elvis. And so on. The resulting abomination chilled even Doom's pitiless soul. Doom spent many a night listening to the moans of agony issue forth from both of its misshapen mouths, which regularly begged Doom, "Kill me...please, by all that's holy...kill me..."

And yet Doom did not, because only through the suffering of others is Doom's heart filled with joy. That is why Doom has not yet destroyed the joke of a team known as the Clippers. At the beginning of the season, Doom was filled with a nameless dread. Perhaps, Doom thought, the Clippers might actually be good this year. Chris Kaman was healthy. Baron Davis was in shape. And the Clippers had selected Blake Griffin first overall in the National Basketball Association's yearly draft. However, it has quickly become apparent that the Clippers are who Doom thought they were. As further proof of this inescapable fact, the Clippers lost 110-102 to a sad and stumbling Hornets team that is as hopeless as the peasant Doom killed several paragraphs ago.

But a loss is to be expected, particularly when a team falls behind by 14 points in the first quarter, gets outrebounded 51-36, and earns 11 fewer free throws. At least that's what Doom's statistician slave tells him. Bah. Doom cares not for these numbers. The Clippers suck. So says Doom!

The Toronto Raptors: Many of earth's greatest scientists have pondered why dinosaurs became extinct. The answer is simple. They displeased Doom, so he created a time machine and traveled to the distant past to destroy them. Do not contradict Doom with arguments of time paradoxes and faulty logic! Doom's triumph over the mighty dinosaurs has already been published in every Latverian history textbook. Therefore, it is fact.

Based on Toronto's 130-112 defeat in Denver last night, even dinosaur-themed basketball teams are extinct. What a miserable defensive display. The Nuggets shot over 60 percent from the field. Even Doom's own matchless laser gauntlets do not fire with that kind of accuracy. It makes Doom wonder...were the Raptors even trying to stop the Nuggets from scoring? Perhaps not. Perhaps they, like Doom, are simply trying to lull their enemies into a false sense of security, much as Doom has by achieving a lifetime record of 0-217 against earth's superheroes. If indeed the Raptors are mirroring Doom's own unbeatable strategies, you can expect them to win the National Basketball Association championship this season. Even if Doom is forced to obliterate the other 29 teams to make his prediction come true.

The Detroit Pistons: Hm. According to Doom's inside sources, the Chicago Bulls are currently ranked 4th overall in Defensive Rating among teams in the National Basketball Association. Note that this has happened during the very first season they have played since allowing Ben Gordon to leave the team. This is not coincidence. Neither is the fact that last night's shooting guard matchup in the Pistons-Lakers game was Kobe Bryant versus Gordon...a matchup Bryant won 40-18.

What flawed and foolish plan...asking the miniscule Gordon to defend Bryant in the low post. That's like asking the Dazzler to defeat Doom. Wait. Wait, that actually happened? Doom must now throw up in his own matchless mouth. Blrrrglhph. Hmph. Clearly Doom should have taken off his mighty mask before vomiting.

Update! Kobe Bryant: Doom salutes Bryant, who lived up to his "Mamba" nickname by feigning injury and laying in the grass at his enemies' feet, waiting to strike. And strike he did! It reminds Doom of his many "defeats" at the hands of the accursed Reed Richards and his so-called "Fantastic Four." Doom is simply inflating the fool's confidence. And, when his arrogance is at its peak, Doom will be there, waiting. By the way, there is no truth to the rumor that this was Doom's reaction to his last defeat.

Lacktion Report: Chris is the rare mortal fool that has actually earned Doom's respect. How? That is for Doom to know. Now read Chris' lacktion report before Doom is forced to send your genitals to the Negative Zone.

Thunder-Heat: Oklahoma City's Serge Ibaka earned a +1 suck differential via foul in 1:52, also good for a Madsen-level 1:0 Voskuhl.

Pacers-Nets: Josh Boone's three boards for the Nyets in 13:12 were negated by two fouls and turnovers each, resulting in a 4:3 Voskuhl.

Clippers-Hornets: Kareem Rush can now share a sparsely-furnished penthouse with team owner Donald Sterling, due to his 1.9 trillion take tonight in the Crescent City! (Kareem Rush was injured and thus the only rich man remains Mr. Sterling.) Fellow Clipper DeAndre Jordan is who we thought he was, as in 3:41, he is the first big man this season to mix a 100% shooting percentage (one made field goal plus a couple of gimmes from the charity stripe) with enough negation (three fouls and two turnovers) for a Voskuhl of 5:4!!!!!

Raptors-Nuggets: George Karl's gilded group may have been stymied tonight at home by the fossilized creatures, but it certainly wasn't for a lack of mining attempts, with Malik Allen panning a 3.15 trillion.

Bulls-Kings: With the Kings entering tonight with their first winning record since 2006, it appears that Paul Westphal has been spending some time in Kirby's Dream Land, as he sent Jon Brockman out for a 51-second Mario that somehow involved a rebound.

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Blogger Don Ebay Mølse said...
I caught myself reading this WotN with a deep super-villain voice... this was truely awesome.

But why Dr. Doom? You just saw the awful fantastic-four movies or how... All hail Dr. Doom!

Anonymous Anonymous said...
OK, but Kareem rush did tear his ACL in the first quarter...and unless your name starts with "L" and ends with "eon Powe" you're probably not playing after that.

Blogger DocZeus said...

If you continue to mock Our Lord And Savior, LeBron Raymone James, you will soon pay for your insolence. How dare you besmirch the good name of the God Of the Basketball Court. You will be smote down.

Anonymous Anonymous said...
Dr. Doom has long-been a favorite of Bawful's. Partly because of the similarity in egos, partly because of the ridiculousness of Doom's deliveries.

If you ever want a really fun diversion from life, narrarate your own activities in Doomphonics. Good times.

Blogger Murcy said...
I may or may not have had an orgasm from combining one of my favourite basketball sites with marvel. however: Latveria not Latvaria.

Also: no mention of any Rockets after they simply allowed us to take the game from their hands? (or no mention of my Suns for winning 5 of 7 coming from behind... why do they have to give up those leads in the first place?)

Anonymous DKH said...
WotN nomination for Travis Diener, who, according to ESPN's box score, did not play due to "sore toes."

Also, that box score makes me feel sad for the Nets. They are missing some contributors and everyone who is left is insanely inefficient with their shots. No one made more than 50% of their shots yesterday, and everyone's right around 1 point per FGA.

Blogger AnacondaHL said...
"I caught myself reading this WotN with a deep super-villain voice... this was truely awesome."

Quoted For Freaking Truth. I think this article has the most 'o's of anything written ever.

Blogger chris said...
Anonymous: Fixed.

AnacondaHL: I think we need a Dr. Doom appearance every so often...kinda like Drew Magary's work at Deadspin every few days.

Or maybe a round table debate between Dr. Doom and you over the merits of the Livin' Large flowchart!

Blogger chris said...
DKH: Everyone left is insanely inefficient? Despite the terrible win-loss record, that sounds awfully up the Canswer's alley!

Blogger AnacondaHL said...
Dr. Doom should also mention the unintentionally dirty quote and subsequent man love denial by CD-R in the Nets Team Report:

“I really felt good. I heard at one point in the game (Saturday) coach was like, ‘We need to give Chris a blow,’ and I told him, ‘No, I don’t need a blow,’” Douglas-Roberts said.

chris: Doom has nothing on my flowchart abilities. NP-complete up in this bitch.

Blogger chris said...
AnacondaHL: To think, Mr. Storage Device was in the lacktion ledger plenty of times last year, and now he' for air, or at least Lawrence Frank thinks he is.

I wonder how many season ticket holders the Meadowlands has at this point - somehow I don't think giving each one 2 tickets would have EVER been enough to fill the Brendan Byrne Arena!

Anonymous Anonymous said...
this was .. brilliant. HAIL DOOM!

Blogger Leland said...
Why wasn't Biedrins mentioned.

look at his stat line from last night....


here's a link

Osteitis pubis is a medical condition which is prevalent among footballers, runners and other athletes, particularly players of Australian rules football.

We all know Biedrins is way too soft to be a footballer (rugby player). So how did he come down with this condition?

Maybe by Donnie Nelsons constant fucking with the line up??

Blogger Preveen said...

Blogger Unknown said...
That. was. epic.

Anonymous Anonymous said...
Wow, awesome! Funny stuff right here.

Blogger Basketbawful said...
Hello, fools. If you look closely, you will notice that Doom has honored your pitiful requested and updated the post with your entries. Bow before the magnanimity of Doom!

Blogger Basketbawful said...
Ignore Doom's typo in the previous comment, if you know what is good for you.

Blogger Leland said...
At the risk of being "vaporized by Doom's orbiting plasma cannon and savagely beaten, coated in bronze and made into a foot stool." I believe...The humor, of course, is that, in this case, the word "blow" is a homograph, meaning both..." you meant to say homonym Dr. Doom.

Yes, I know it is a petty and small mistake on your part, kind of like dunkside's penis.

Blogger Basketbawful said...
Leland -- Normally, you would be feeling the skin sizzle off your bones even as you were reading these words. However, Doom is feeling merciful today. Perhaps it is because the local radio stations just began playing Doom-mas music. Or maybe it is because you have given Doom the opportunity to embarrass a fool once again.

According to the Latverian New World dictionary, "homonym" means "a word with the same pronunciation as another but with a different meaning, origin, and, usually, spelling." Whereas "homograph" means "a word with the same spelling as another or others but with a different meaning and origin, and, sometimes, a different pronunciation."

Never question the matchless etymologizing of Doom!

Blogger Wild Yams said...
Not to risk stepping on the metal toes of our leader and overlord, Doctor Doom, but methinks the Laker bench warrants a mention here in the comments, if not in the entry, for once again blowing a huge lead and thus forcing Phil Jackson to re-insert his starters. After leading by 28 in the 3rd quarter, the Lakers looked to be on cruise control last night; but a few minutes of DJ Mbenga, Josh Powell, Jordan Farmar and Shannon Brown soon had the lead down to 13 (and eventually it got as small as 7), so Phil had to come back with Kobe, Bynum and Odom to ensure the win. If you hear that the Laker bench stinks, feel free to believe the hype.

Basketball aside though, I'd like to know what Mr. Bawful thought of those god awful Fantastic Four movies, specifically the horrific casting of Dr. Doom. Were you banging your head against the seat in front of you in the theater trying to watch that dreck? Never fear though, it looks like Fox is already trying to "reboot" the Fantastic Four franchise by giving it a brand new start, so at least they seem to agree that the previous two movies were pieces of garbage.

Blogger Leland said...

Even though I may well be smited be the all mighty smiter, and given the fact that mere mortal peasants such as myself and your readers do not have access to the Latverian New World dictionary, i have found from that a homonym is "a word the same as another in sound and spelling but different in meaning, as chase “to pursue” and chase “to ornament metal.”

whereas a homograph is " One of two or more words that have the same spelling but differ in origin, meaning, and sometimes pronunciation, such as fair (pleasing in appearance) and fair (market) or wind (wĭnd) and wind (wīnd)."

This battle of diction reminds me of Nyets starting three backcourt player's 3pt FG%, it's nugatory.

CDR 30%
Devin Harris 0% (that's not an emoticon)
C. Lee with the irrational fraction (err laction) of 2/15 or .133333333333%

The Nyets everyone!!!

Blogger AnacondaHL said...
As long as it has something equivalent or greater than the Jessica Alba boob thrust attack, I'm all for another Fantastic Four.

"No, let's. *ungh!*"

Blogger Unknown said...
Considering the Warriors had a grand total of 7 healthy bodies, and kept a guy who's scheduled for surgery next week active to meet the league minimum, and still came that close to beating a supposedly "elite" team (scoring the most points the Cavs have given up this year, by the way), I'd say they did okay. Not okay enough to win, but hey, I'm not expecting that many wins out of them.

Blogger AnacondaHL said...
Leland: Therefore, in this case, both words are valid. LET'S GET A VENN DIAGRAM UP IN THIS BITCH

Anonymous Sasha Vujacic's Hair said...
Bawful, just admit it: you got really, really high.

Blogger Boris Tilov said...
Uh, Doom?; the Hornets looked as good as to be expected, with the team in shambles. Can you give them that? It was the whole "Sad and stumbling" thing. I mean, a lot of the new additions stepped up into the role of leadership on the court and that should be acknowledged, along with GM/Interim coache Bower's willingness to let them play.

That is all.

Anonymous Flopsy said...
"Matchless dumps"! I was dying after I read that.

Blogger Unknown said...
Um there is another Doom who wears the mask. MF Doom (er, now it's just Doom). Check out Madvillany.

Anonymous Anonymous said...
Can we all just agree that Doom should make a weekly appearance? Make it a Wednesday thing or something...

Blogger Basketbawful said...
"Can we all just agree that Doom should make a weekly appearance? Make it a Wednesday thing or something..."

Doom will return. Doom promises that. He promises it.

Anonymous on Nelson said...
ear Octor Oom,

I am the head coach of the Warriors. As you may have notice, we are not playing good efense. Hell, the rookie Branon Jennings score 55 on us! I am wonering if you took out "E". I mean "E". An if so, how can I appease you for you to restore Golen State back to the playoffs?

Anonymous Janae said...
Suns/Rockets played last night, too.

Blogger chris said...
Bawful: That's just as strong as Starbury promising to run his mouth on streaming video!!!

Which First, Livin' Large Fridays, now Dr. Doom Wednesdays. This feels like a restaurant of bad basketball and I am enjoying every course. :D

Blogger jim said...
WotN nom for Chase Budinger... who got a transition layup ERASED by Leandro "we don't usually play defense in Brazil" Barbosa.

I, for the life of me, can't find it on any video replay or highlight reel from the game yet, but if I do, I will submit the link. Few things take me out of my comfy seat when watching regular season games, but this did.

Anonymous DKH said...
Wow I didn't realize Diener was missing so much time with some sore toes.


FYI, 2/15 is rational. Rational means that it is the ratio of two integers, which 2/15 is. Repeating decimals do not make something irrational.

/mathematics definitions concern troll returns to his cave

Blogger chris said...
Janae: In Dr. Doom's world, Clutch The Bear is but a mere pebble on the road to glory and global domination!!!!!!!!

Blogger J. Dana Teague said...
as much as I love shannon brown, i gotta admit to this bawful.

What was he THINKING

Blogger stephanie g said...
I'm curious what will happen to my genitals when they're sent to the Negative Zone. Do tell!

Blogger Wild Yams said...
Wikipedia describes the Negative Zone as "a deadly vortex of unspeakable power", which coincidentally is a great descriptor of female genitalia, so you may draw your own conclusions :)

Blogger DC said...
Doom will return. Doom promises that. He promises it.

Shouldn't Doom promise nothing but agonizing, searing pain?

Anonymous G.Zeppelli said...
Last time i checked, Dr. Doom didnt speak in the third person. I believe he left that for retarded capes like The Hulk. But is was a good entry for the Hulk galavanting as Dr. Doom. In fact, better than I ever imagined.

Anonymous Onandonymous said...
Leland - an irrational fraction (or laction) would be one that could not be expressed as the ratio of two integers. Unless, of course, you mean the homograph with means "without basis in logic." As in, "letting him take those is irrational, since he hits only 2 of 15." Either way.

Blogger cmoney said...
though I like the Doom, it's a little weird as we've taken to referring to Lamar Odom as Doom. It's made my love for all things Odom related grow.