Kneel before me, cretins.
Hello, fools. I, Victor Von Doom, Doctor, have conquered Basketbawful. I will now provide my own matchless rendition of Worst of the Night.

LeBron James: So..."King James" had 31 points and 12 assists. Bah. There is only one true king, and that is Doom. And now James wants the NBA to retire Michael Jordan's number. Feh. James stole Doom's idea. What? You did not know? Years ago, Doom demanded that the people of earth retire the use of iron masks to honor Doom's many accomplishments, such as when he kidnapped several U.N. ambassadors and replaced their genitals with snapping monkey heads. Did it work? What do you think, fools? Have you ever seen anyone other than Doom wearing an iron mask? I think not.

Shaquille O'Neal: Hm. After a half-dozen grueling 20-minute stints for his new team, O'Neal is taking a short vacation. Oh, wait, Doom apologizes. O'Neal is "injured." Yes, of course. And Doom's penis is over two feet long. No, really. It is. Beware the unstoppable Cock of Doom!

The Golden State Warriors: Doom knows little of this fool's sport called basketball. However, I did note that the Cavaliers were without two members of their starting frontcourt (O'Neal and the fool Andersen Varejao) and then lost a key backup (Jamario Moon). And yet Cleveland still scored a season-high 114 points on 58 percent shooting and J.J. Hickson went 9-for-9 from the field. Warriors: your defensive failures disgust Doom. Be gone!

Update! Andris Biedrins: Doom fan Leland contacted Doom to let him know that Biedrins missed the Warriors-Cavaliers game with a condition known as Osteitis pubis. Do not forget the "Doctor" part of "Doctor Doom"! Listen, cretins, and I will explain this condition. Osteitis pubis results from excessive physical strain on the pubic bone, which is usually caused by rapid changes of direction that force the abdominal and groin muscles to exercise a pulling or traction force on the pubic bone. So, clearly, Biedrins was sidelined by furious masturbation, probably to a phota of Doom himself. Andris: Doom is flattered. He really is. But Doom loves no man...but himself. Which is why he surrounds himself with Doom Bots created in his own image. Except for the Fleshlight inserted into their robotic groins. But enough! Doom's personal life is only for him to know!

The Miami Heat: There are certain things that make Doom giggle. Death. Torture. His own unstoppable flatulence. And successful sports teams that cannot fill their own arena. Doom is told that Dwyane Wade is one of the best and most exciting basketball players on this pitiful planet. Nonetheless, Miami's arena was so empty that fans from the upper decks were allowed to move to the lower level.

This reminds Doom of a story. Some time ago, Doom held a public assembly to celebrate his own matchless completion of a 1,000-piece jigsaw puzzle. One particularly foolish Latverian peasant had the unmitigated audacity to stop applauding after not even four hours of non-stop applause. Doom will never forget the peasant's pleas of mercy as Doom's own iron fist slowly choked the life out of him. "Please, my Lord," the fool said, "I spent the previous 17 hours applauding your peerless victory over a crossword puzzle of moderate difficulty, and the 11 hours before that were spent applauding your Candy Land victory over several four-year-olds. Furthermore, due to the 127% Latverian tax rate, I have had to surrender all my money, food and personal belongings to your tax collectors. I haven't eaten in weeks, save for a few pieces of moldy bread and a cup of gruel. I am weak, and tired, but my loyalty and love for my Lord Doom is unwavering." He continued blubbering in that manner for several more minutes before Doom finally crushed his windpipe. Let that be a lesson to you all: Doom does not accept excuses!

Now, where was I? Ah, yes, the Heat. Those fools lost 100-87 at home to the Oklahoma City Thunder. What ignominy! Miami was outshot (48 to 43 percent), out-rebounded (41-36), and out-assisted (19-17). The Heat also missed 10 free throws. Pathetic. If Doom were coaching the Heat, he would place each of them in an elaborate mechanism that would bring about their death lest they hit 100 consecutive foul shots. Of course, the device would be emitting toxic gas and firing lasers at them while they attempted the free throws. Such is the cruelty of Doom.

The New Jersey Nets: The so-called "Nyets" fell at home to the Indiana Pacers 91-83 and thus earned a place among history's worst basketball teams. Only five teams since 1994-95 have begun a season with more consecutive losses than the Nets: the 1997-98 Denver Nuggets (12), the 1996-97 Phoenix Suns (13), the 2002-03 Memphis Grizzlies (13), the 1994-95 Los Angeles Clippers (16) and the 1998-99 Los Angeles Clippers (17). This is unacceptable. The Vulture, pathetic though he is, has more wins over Spider-man than the Nets have over anyone. Doom is so deeply offended by this shameful display of basketball putrescence that he has designed a device that causes his feces to materialize in New Jersey coach Lawrence Frank's mouth every time Doom takes one of his matchless dumps. Beware the scatological terror of Doom!

Doom was particularly delighted to read this melancholy quote from Chris Douglas-Roberts, who suffered defeat despite scoring a career-high 27 points: "It's nothing if we don't win. My numbers don't matter if we're losing because you are labeled a loser. It doesn't matter what you're doing on a losing team. Nobody really cares. I know I don't." Doom agrees completely...fool.

Doom also giggled at the following quote from the Associated Press recap: "Hoping to end the skid, the Nets asked their fans to show support with a '10 is enough!' plan, giving each season-ticket holder two tickets to bring additional fans. But the announced attendance was only 11,332, and now there are still no wins."

Update! Chris Douglas-Roberts, unintentionally dirty quote machine: The fool AnacondaHL risked being vaporized by Doom's orbiting plasma cannon by pointing out an ommission in Doom's WotN entry. However, the mild but pleasant amusement this quote brought Doom has not been matched since he had an old middle school rival savagely beaten, coated in bronze and made into a foot stool. And so: "Dr. Doom should also mention the unintentionally dirty quote and subsequent man love denial by CD-R in the Nets Team Report: 'I really felt good. I heard at one point in the game (Saturday) coach was like, 'We need to give Chris a blow,' and I told him, 'No, I don’t need a blow.'"

The humor, of course, is that, in this case, the word "blow" is a homograph, meaning both "a short rest" and "oral sexual gratification." Muwahahahahaha! Muwahahahahahah!! Muwhahahahahaha!!! Right...moving on then...

Update! Travis Diener: Doom fan DKH informed Doom that Indiana's Diener missed the Nets-Pacers game due to "sore toes." Doom then discovered that these sore toes have prevented Diener from playing a single game this season. Amazing. Doom does not have the technological or mystical resources necessary to create a bigger human vagina than Deiner. And don't think that Doom hasn't tried. He has tried. Oh, how he has tried...

The Los Angeles Clippers: Even as a child, Doom possessed genius beyond measure. He used that peerless intellect to splice the DNA of his pet puppy with that of a goldfish. And then an iguana. And then a grapefruit. And then an old photo of Elvis. And so on. The resulting abomination chilled even Doom's pitiless soul. Doom spent many a night listening to the moans of agony issue forth from both of its misshapen mouths, which regularly begged Doom, "Kill me...please, by all that's holy...kill me..."

And yet Doom did not, because only through the suffering of others is Doom's heart filled with joy. That is why Doom has not yet destroyed the joke of a team known as the Clippers. At the beginning of the season, Doom was filled with a nameless dread. Perhaps, Doom thought, the Clippers might actually be good this year. Chris Kaman was healthy. Baron Davis was in shape. And the Clippers had selected Blake Griffin first overall in the National Basketball Association's yearly draft. However, it has quickly become apparent that the Clippers are who Doom thought they were. As further proof of this inescapable fact, the Clippers lost 110-102 to a sad and stumbling Hornets team that is as hopeless as the peasant Doom killed several paragraphs ago.

But a loss is to be expected, particularly when a team falls behind by 14 points in the first quarter, gets outrebounded 51-36, and earns 11 fewer free throws. At least that's what Doom's statistician slave tells him. Bah. Doom cares not for these numbers. The Clippers suck. So says Doom!

The Toronto Raptors: Many of earth's greatest scientists have pondered why dinosaurs became extinct. The answer is simple. They displeased Doom, so he created a time machine and traveled to the distant past to destroy them. Do not contradict Doom with arguments of time paradoxes and faulty logic! Doom's triumph over the mighty dinosaurs has already been published in every Latverian history textbook. Therefore, it is fact.

Based on Toronto's 130-112 defeat in Denver last night, even dinosaur-themed basketball teams are extinct. What a miserable defensive display. The Nuggets shot over 60 percent from the field. Even Doom's own matchless laser gauntlets do not fire with that kind of accuracy. It makes Doom wonder...were the Raptors even trying to stop the Nuggets from scoring? Perhaps not. Perhaps they, like Doom, are simply trying to lull their enemies into a false sense of security, much as Doom has by achieving a lifetime record of 0-217 against earth's superheroes. If indeed the Raptors are mirroring Doom's own unbeatable strategies, you can expect them to win the National Basketball Association championship this season. Even if Doom is forced to obliterate the other 29 teams to make his prediction come true.

The Detroit Pistons: Hm. According to Doom's inside sources, the Chicago Bulls are currently ranked 4th overall in Defensive Rating among teams in the National Basketball Association. Note that this has happened during the very first season they have played since allowing Ben Gordon to leave the team. This is not coincidence. Neither is the fact that last night's shooting guard matchup in the Pistons-Lakers game was Kobe Bryant versus Gordon...a matchup Bryant won 40-18.

What flawed and foolish plan...asking the miniscule Gordon to defend Bryant in the low post. That's like asking the Dazzler to defeat Doom. Wait. Wait, that actually happened? Doom must now throw up in his own matchless mouth. Blrrrglhph. Hmph. Clearly Doom should have taken off his mighty mask before vomiting.

Update! Kobe Bryant: Doom salutes Bryant, who lived up to his "Mamba" nickname by feigning injury and laying in the grass at his enemies' feet, waiting to strike. And strike he did! It reminds Doom of his many "defeats" at the hands of the accursed Reed Richards and his so-called "Fantastic Four." Doom is simply inflating the fool's confidence. And, when his arrogance is at its peak, Doom will be there, waiting. By the way, there is no truth to the rumor that this was Doom's reaction to his last defeat.

Lacktion Report: Chris is the rare mortal fool that has actually earned Doom's respect. How? That is for Doom to know. Now read Chris' lacktion report before Doom is forced to send your genitals to the Negative Zone.

Thunder-Heat: Oklahoma City's Serge Ibaka earned a +1 suck differential via foul in 1:52, also good for a Madsen-level 1:0 Voskuhl.

Pacers-Nets: Josh Boone's three boards for the Nyets in 13:12 were negated by two fouls and turnovers each, resulting in a 4:3 Voskuhl.

Clippers-Hornets: Kareem Rush can now share a sparsely-furnished penthouse with team owner Donald Sterling, due to his 1.9 trillion take tonight in the Crescent City! (Kareem Rush was injured and thus the only rich man remains Mr. Sterling.) Fellow Clipper DeAndre Jordan is who we thought he was, as in 3:41, he is the first big man this season to mix a 100% shooting percentage (one made field goal plus a couple of gimmes from the charity stripe) with enough negation (three fouls and two turnovers) for a Voskuhl of 5:4!!!!!

Raptors-Nuggets: George Karl's gilded group may have been stymied tonight at home by the fossilized creatures, but it certainly wasn't for a lack of mining attempts, with Malik Allen panning a 3.15 trillion.

Bulls-Kings: With the Kings entering tonight with their first winning record since 2006, it appears that Paul Westphal has been spending some time in Kirby's Dream Land, as he sent Jon Brockman out for a 51-second Mario that somehow involved a rebound.

Labels: Doom Rules All, Dr. Doom, Kneel Before Doom Fools, Worst of the Night