THE Mario
THE Mario West leaves nothing to chance for lacktivity
-- and is rewarded with a trip to the second round!

With the opening act of the 2009 NBA Playoffs complete, here's a brief rundown of the top non-performers in the Association after these initial-round series have completed. And yes, for lacktion enthusiasts (read: AnacondaHL), I have compiled these critical metrics in EXCEL FORMAT for you to digest!

42 total lacktators in the first round, here's the top five in total duration:
1. Nicholas Batum (Blazers) - 16:03 (in games 3 and 5)
2. Tony Allen (Celtics) - 11:34 (in games 1, 2, and 4)
3. Darnell "Lacktion" Jackson (Cavs) - 9:45 (in games 1, 2, and 4)
4. Eddie House (Celtics) - 9:39 (in game 5)
5. Stephon Marbury (Celtics) - 7:58 (in game 6)

Three-time lacktators:
- Tony Allen (Celtics)
- Darnell "Lacktion" Jackson (Cavs)
- Chucky Hayes (Rockets) (7:47 in games 1, 4, and 6)

Atlanta leads all teams with most lacktators, Mike Woodson having sent out EIGHT different potential human victory cigars! (Speedy Claxton, Othello Hunter, Mario West, Solomon Jones, Acie Law, Randolph Morris, Thomas Gardner, Marvin Williams)

31 players have racked up a suck differential...
Largest single-game SD score: Darnell "Lacktion" Jackson (Cavs) (+5 in 6:20), Game 2
Largest combined SD score: Darnell "Lacktion" Jackson (Cavs) (+7)

12 trillionares so far in the postseason
Richest man in the playoffs: George Hill (Spurs) (4.95 trillion)
Most prolific venture capitalist: Chucky Hayes (Rockets) (3.35 trillion in game 1, 1.5 trillion in Game 6)

16 ballers have floored it in a Mario Kart free-for-all derby, with three instances of Mario Brothers but no Super Mario Brothers yet...
Super Marios: Othello Hunter (Hawks) (6 seconds in Game 1), Tony Allen (Celtics) (4 seconds in Game 2), and James Singleton (Mavs) (9 seconds in Game 4)
Two-time Power Glove wearers: Ryan Hollins (Mavs) (games 1 and 5), James Singleton (Mavs) (games 1 and 4), Lindsey Hunter (Bulls) (game 4 and 5)

...oh and yes, THE Mario West stomped on a Koopa shell in Game 2, living up to his namesake.

14 big men bawfully honored the least terrifying mesolithic center of our age...
Worst Voskuhl ratios:

Kwame "#1 Overall" Brown (Pistons) - 7:3 in 18:38, game 2
Matt Bonner (Spurs) - 5:1 in 21:55, game 4
Hilton Armstrong (Hornets) - 7:3 in 12:00, game 4
Most Voskuhls: Jamaal Magloire (Heat) with three (games 2, 4, and 7); four other players each had two - Ryan Hollins (Mavs), Matt Bonner (Spurs), Andrew Bynum (Lakers) and Randolph Morris (Heat)

About the author: Chris is a Sacramento resident and Bay Area native who is surrounded by all forms of bawful, from The Oracle to Arco Arena (or whatever barn the Maloofs can milk the most profit from in the near future). After all, when you live in a town in which an ex-trillionare champion (John Salmons) is the home team's starter, is there much to be expected on the positive front? No. So Chris has made it his goal to become the Bill James or Hubie Brown of lacktivity, seeing how abundant it has become in Northern California. Outside of his life as a lacktion statistician, he follows a random collection of other sports (auto racing, ice hockey, snooker, boxing)...

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Blogger Charles Ayer said...
Nobody has a Superintendent Chalmers yet? I can't believe no one has a Superintendent Chalmers yet. Maybe Birdman will get one if the Nuggets make the conference finals. A dude's gotta celebrate, right?

Blogger chris said...
Reading the article at Wikipedia on Hack-A-Shaq...

I think we may have a candidate for the fastest SD above +5 in history, which would require Basketball-Reference's help in proving:

"In that game, Rodman shot 9-for-12 from the free throw line, completely nullifying the strategy, and the Bulls went on to victory. Given its ineffectiveness on that occasion, the strategy was then largely forgotten, aside from the fact that Maverick player Bubba Wells, whose assignment it had been to foul Rodman, set the all-time NBA record for fewest minutes played (3) in fouling out of a game."

THIS is the non-performance that Greg Oden aspires to, BTW!

Blogger Bcstein said...
Forgot the 7:3 Voskuhl turned in by Oden in game 4, also. (5 fouls, 1 TO, 1 brick to 3 boards).

Blogger chris said...
Crap, BCstein, thanks for that one. How could I have forgotten the most foul-happy player of this millenium?

I'll get it edited in a minute.

Blogger chris said...
Actually, I realize why I had: since bricks don't count in a Voskuhl, that was only a 6:3. (I think another whole boatload of big men would be credited with Voskuhls if that were the case)

Blogger chris said...
LAME: Someone's actually trying to get the "one trillion" Wikipedia article removed!

We must figure out how to save it...

Anonymous AK Dave said...

Why would somebody do that? Haters.

Hey- there's always "" :D

Anonymous AK Dave said...
By the way- D-Wade totally has a handful of THE Mario's junk. And the way his tongue is sticking out, I think he's a little excited...

WV: "bysizin"


Anonymous Anonymous said...
great post, keep up the good work
...u do need to update ur "about the author" tho, since salmons is on the bulls now

Anonymous Anonymous said...
regarding getting smacked in the head, house said "we're above that" ...brad miller disagrees

Anonymous AreEn said...
Eddie House, unintentionally dirty quote machine: "I'm not a defensive specialist, but I can get my hands on balls."

But hey, Eddie House went OFF today. Damn.

Anonymous Anonymous said...
looks like LO was reaching for the wrong ball:

gasol goes back to taunting yao with the squinty eyes:

Anonymous MG said...

Wednesday Afternoon Man Love??

Blogger Nick Flynt said...
McHale you have to post that post-game Eddie House interview. Ron-ron also had some good words.

Easily one of the greatest post game quotes of all time, "We was just bustin' dey ass, and they had to resort to bush league tactics....etc.etc.

Anonymous dumbgenius said...
ultimate man love post:

please come up with a caption.. my brain hurts just from looking at this picture..

Blogger AnacondaHL said...

Blogger AnacondaHL said...
Also, holy bajeezus, Kyle "Not Bad Boyz 4 Life" Lowry had a 22:12 min, 0-7, 0 pts, 4:2 Voskhul!

And tons of other lacktion! It's like they were doing it just for you, chris, and this amazing update.

Anonymous =( said...
I have been a long time reader/occasional contributor to Basketbawful, and i have to admit, that the whole "lacktion" "mario" "Voskuhl" things have gotten completely stale, corny and overboard. This used to be a place to come read funny things about the nba pretty quickly and bust out some laughs. not know to the exact minute peoples exact insignificance to the game. I feel like I need a glossary to read it, and it is more of a headache than anything. Dont ruin a good thing here on Basketbawful, I really feel that the lacktion reports gotta go. I better get back to work, I don't wanna perform a 37 second mario followed by a 4:3 voskul/lacktivity ratio followed up by enought lacktivity to be okafor'd.

ps-basketbawful isnt even a favorite place on my computer any more =( i never thought id see the day.

Blogger chris said...
AnacondaHL: While I only officially track Voskuhls for big men (as per the definition of the stat in the original post)...

Negative contributions are STILL negative contributions! And Robin Leach will be proud of some of the recent non-contributions.

BTW, what are your thoughts on my uber-spreadsheet? The Voskuhl is the hardest one for me to graph out, but the other sections are pretty straightforward.

CAPTCHA: "ejetram," i.e. "Ron-Ron and Derek had to ride the eje-tram home after the ref pointed his thumb back each time."

Blogger Basketbawful said...
Hey Sad Face,

Sorry the lacktion recaps have scarred you so badly that unfavorited the site over them. I'd like to think that even if you don't enjoy lacktion, you could enjoy all the fun things on the site that have stayed the same. I mean, really, lacktion reports and recaps make up only a small portion of what we do here. Moreover, a lot of people really enjoy them, comment on them, contribute to them, etc. Would it be fair of me to punish the people who enjoy the lacktion reports because some people do not? Or does it seem more reasonable for me to ask the people who don't like them to just look past them and read the thousands upon thousands of words that have nothing to do with lacktion? And I ask that question in all sincerity.

Anonymous Anonymous said...
I personally agree with sad face that lacktion reports just aren't interesting. Lacktion has gotten rustent on me. But I just skip it. I can't even tell you what a Voshkul is - I just know it's bad. But I also don't think it's a big deal to jump over it.

Though, Chris - props to your dedication. I honestly expected you to fizzle but stay with it. I know others like it.

Blogger chris said...
Bawful: We could always do the "read more" click-through links that other blogs do (to hide extended sections) so that the haters ;) can skip them and feel like their lives are more complete without the pestilence of lacktivity invading their brains.

That works, right? :D

Blogger Basketbawful said...
chris -- I have yet to find a way to make post cuts in Blogger...but if I could, that might be an okay idea. Otherwise, the haters will just have to grin and bear it.

Blogger AnacondaHL said...
Honestly, who the hell comes to a site called "Basketbawful" and doesn't expect some satire and schadenfreude?

Blogger chris said...
AnacondaHL: An emoticon as joyous as Elgin Baylor whenever he glances at a championship trophy in any level of 'ball?

Anonymous DKH said...
Count me as someone who enjoyed the prior form of lacktion updates, where only the most notable things were included, and those were interspersed in the game notes. (I guess that's two forms ago, since I think there was a time when they were compiled in a brief list at the end. That method was fine, too.)

The good part about the current form is that it's easy to skip. I read it the first couple times, but the guy was (is?) trying way too hard to be funny. It's no longer the worst-of; it's "these 10 guys were in the game for so many minutes (to the hundreds decimal place!) and didn't contribute anything! How many puns can I invoke before the end of the sentence?"

Anyway, obviously you can run your site how you want, and maybe the new format is preferred by more people. Just submitting my statement that one person doesn't find it as entertaining as it used to be.

Anonymous Sun Devil said...
I've been reading Basketbawful for awhile now and I'm into the lacktion stuff. Now I don't totally understand all the metrics but I appreciate two parts of it:

1. My mind is absolutely blown at Chris' ability to keep it fresh with different ways of saying that people contributing almost nothing to a basketball game. And I chuckle at some of the old Nintendo references.

2. I think there's a chance something interesting might come from these stats. Who knows what devil may be in these details? Granted it could just be some non-sequitor stats, but I think something informative might actually come out of this.

Well I guess I should add a third:

3. It's a pretty unique bawful thing. For goodness' sakes this is the only site (I think, I hope) that actually honors players like Greg Ostertag, so Mario West is kind of a big deal around here.

tl;dr version: I like the lacktivity stuff.

Blogger Charles Ayer said...
I like the lacktion report, in fact the more complicated it gets the funnier it is to me.

Then again, I also named my World of Warcraft toons after the lamest 1980's ball players that I can think of. If you're ever on my server and you see "craigehlo" or "gregkite" running around stop and say hi.

There's just something inherently humorous about the people who populate the bottom decile of the best basketball players in the world. Quantifying their suckitude makes it even better. I'm grinning just thinking about it.