Birdman 2

The Dallas Mavericks: They followed up a rousing victory over the Spurs with a smackdown in the Big Easy. Only the Mavs were on the receiving end of that smackdown. They didn't have it on offense (39 percent shooting) or defense (the Hornets connected on 56 percent of their field goals). In all fairness, though, it was unlikely that they were going to beat the Spurs AND the Hornets in a back-to-back situation, particularly since the second game was on the road. As Jason Terry put it: "We just ran out of juice. It wasn't a lack of effort. There just wasn't enough juice left in the tank." Speaking of Jason...

Jason Terry: Oooo. Highlighted by Chris Paul.

Tyson "I still can't believe they tried to trade me" Chandler had to pick his jaw up off the floor after that one: "Incredible. He made one of the best moves I've ever seen in my life -- on an NBA player. I was at halfcourt and I just stopped. I couldn't even finish the break because I had never seen anything like that." Nice excuse for being lazy, Tyson.

Apparently, Paul wasn't trying to show anybody up. He claimed afterward that he had no choice but to highlight Terry. "It was quick thinking. It was either run through him or throw the ball through his legs and pick it up on the other side. I've done it before in practice. ... It was the quickest thing I could come up with." I'm sure that provided some comfort to Jason after he was forced to watch that play for the 739th time on SportsCenter last night.

Speaking of Terry, he had something pretty, ahem, interesting to say after the Mavericks' victory over the Spurs on Wednesday night: "Erick Dampier is what makes this team go. He's the one we look for to seal our paint..." I'm gonna have to agree with Sir Charles on this one: If Dampier is what makes your team go, your team is in deep you-know-what. And as Erick's paint-sealing abilities: The Hornets got 13 layups and 10 dunks last night. I'm just sayin'.

Jason Kidd: His line: 36 minutes, 13 points (4-for-11), 5 rebounds, 2 assists, 2 turnovers. CP3's line: 27 points (10-for-18), 4 rebounds, 15 assists. Few things make J-Kidd look older than when he plays against Chris Paul. It's like arm-wrestling your grandpa.

Portland Trail Blazers: Yeah, 'Melo going off (38 points, 16-for-26) was probably unavoidable, seeing as this was his first game back from the one-game suspension he got for refusing to come out of a game. But 'Melo wasn't the only Nugget lighting things up against that Swiss cheese the Blazers called a "defense": J.R. Smith shot 7-for-12, Nene was 7-for-11 and Linas Kleiza finished 6-for-11. In all, Denver shot 53 percent as a team despite Mr. Big Shot's 3-for-13 clunker. Oh, and Portland missed 9 free throws. I can't get a handle on this team. I mean, they're pretty good, but, at the end of the day, they're ONLY pretty good. You know what I mean?

Update! Rudy Fernandez: Finally got some video to go with the picture at the top of this post:

If this was professional wrestling, the Birdman would have followed that up by jumping off a turnbuckle and hitting Rudy over the head with a steel chair. Then more hair smoovin'.

Update! Carmelo Anthony: (Via Ball Don't Lie.) I'll give 'Melo big points for self-mockery. But he's still the guy who refused to come out of a game last week, and accused his teammates of quitting in the playoffs last year, got caught at the airport with ganja in his backpack ("No, dude, it was my buddies pot!"), made an infamous appearance in Stop Snitchin' ("No, dude, that was a joke!"), threw a punch then ran away in the Knicks-Nuggets brawl (and the ensuing 15-game suspension may or may not have caused the Allen Iverson trade), got arrested for DUI...I'm just sayin'. I'd feel a lot better about Anthony if he could finish one season -- just one -- controversy-free.

Lacktion report: Chris, serving up lacktion, hot and fresh, since 2008:

Mavs-Hornets: Serving as Byron Scott's lacktator of choice, Ryan "I'm Not Bruce" Bowen did channel his namesake (a former trillionare champion!) through a fortune of 2.75 trillion.

Nuggets-Blazers: Sonny Weems seems to have come alive in adding to his All-Lacktion credentials since his selection to the squad of snoozers, panning a full 1.35 trillion worth of silver bouillon! Meanwhile, Johan Petro once again graces this section by racking up a Voskuhl (despite a block and three assists) of 4:1 in a 15:04 starting stint by taking four fouls against a brick and rebound.
Amare Stoudemire: Already ruled out for the rest of the regular season, STAT is now out for the playoffs as well. Assuming the Suns even make it to the postseason, that is. Dr. Pravin Dugel, the surgeon who performed Amare's detatched retina surgery, said: "Not this season, not at all. The Suns have the same goal -- to make sure he can resume his career. ... It's very difficult to explain to anyone how serious this is. It's more serious than any knee or ankle surgery. The healing is excruciatingly slow and delicate." That sounds pretty grim. Remember how team physicians advised him to wear goggles permenantly? If only he'd listened.

Still, I don't see what the big deal is. Can't we just fit Stoudemire with a Six Million Dollar Man-style bionic eye? There's one at Walmart for $49.76. Heck, I'll buy it myself, but the Suns will have to handle the installation. According to the bio-eye's Features & Specifications: "Table salt looks like blocks of ice. Fine hair looks like twisted rope. Even your own skin looks alien!" Sweet!

The mirdle: Since most men currently subsist on a diet composed entirely of gravy, frosting, and Twinkies covered in gravy and frosting, anti-flab fashion experts have invented the mirdle, which is a cute name for "man girdle." Basically, it's a spandex tank top that's two to three sizes too small for the disgusting, fleshy horror you call a body. It's purpose: To suck in your flopping beer belly as well as those unsightly man-boobs.

According to Gavin Jones, head of the Australian company Equmen, which launched the "mirdle" in London's Selfridges department store: "Men are under a lot of pressure right now to perform financially, socially and romantically. Why shouldn't we have the same products that women have had for years to make us feel better?" If that's the case, Gavin, what's next on your make-guys-feel-better-with-chick-stuff invention agenda? Manpons? Mangisil? Manscara? Daniel Craig?

The report justifies the invention of this abomination by stating the rising sales of male grooming products and clothing. Also: "And similarly men's underwear sales are growing faster than women's, with Selfridges recording a 21 per cent rise in sales of men's pants in 2008 while women's underwear grew by only ten percent." There's a very simple explanation for this: Men hate doing laundry. Hate it. So that makes underwear a disposable item. Personally, I buy a new six pack every week, which of course means I have to go commando at least one day -- usually Sunday -- but that's probably TMI. And I'm not an underwear sales statistics expert, but I'd be willing to bet that 90 percent of that 21 percent increase is just the same perv buying underwear over and over to satisfy some horrific fetish. Not that I'm judging.

Men, take it from me. Instead of cramming yourself into a sausage wrapper, just stop being fat. And to help you out with this, here's a weight loss tip from me to you: Next time you notice your hands are stuffed full of ham and delicious cake, don't cram it into your mouth. It's that easy.

Kobe Bryant: Mamba poked Adam Morrison with a pin, and then said: "Oh, I'm sorry, did my pin get in the way of your ass? Do me a favor and lose five pounds immediately or GET OUT OF MY BUILDING LIKE NOW!" After the incident, Adam didn't eat for a week, but he lost the five pounds, so the story had a happy ending. Until he passed out due to hunger while driving.

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Blogger AnacondaHL said...
I think the wording they were looking for was Victorian Era corset. And this is completely stupid.

Anonymous Anonymous said...
Because Shaq always = entertainment, I have to share this link:

Anonymous Anonymous said...
What is the big whoop about CP through JT legs thing? It's clearly a traveling. But... it is still the NBA.

Anonymous Anonymous said...
I've been thinking of giving you guys a European WotN on fridays for a while, but didn't have the energy.

This, however, is too good to pass up. Israeli Analyst Offer Shelach on the game between Maccabi Tel-Aviv and Alba Berlin: "Maccabi, or any team that wants to win here for that matter, is going to have to score points."

Brilliant analysis there, Offer, thanks for the insight.

Blogger Monty said...
Don't typically comment, but I have to say... Birdman slicking his hair back was absolutely magical. What a crazy, awesome hick the guy is.

Every time I watch it, I laugh hysterically. "Swamp Music" by Skynrd starts playing in my head.

What a guy.

Blogger Wild Yams said...
Man, that's scary stuff about Amare. If that's the end of his career, that's really horrible.

The Blazers are really quite miserable when they play away from home. Actually there's a couple "contenders" in the West who are like that. Portland is 20 games above .500 at home but they're 5 games under .500 on the road. Utah is 21 games over .500 at home but they're six games under .500 on the road. Houston's 19 games over .500 at home but 3 games under .500 on the road. That's why none of these teams are real title contenders this year.

By the way, it's pretty pathetic that Cleveland and Boston have already secured playoff spots. Come Eastern Conference, quit being so top-heavy!

Anonymous Anonymous said...
The Miami Heat are officially desperate at this point. Here's your proof. (You know, assuming that picking up Jermaine The Drain O'Neal wasn't proof enough)

"The Heat are also hoping Luther Head can provide a scoring punch. Miami signed the fourth-year guard for the rest of the season Wednesday after he was waived by Houston on Monday."

Anonymous Anonymous said...
Luther head was a contributor for the rockets until this year(injured). I don't know why you think this is a bad deal. They need a backup PG cuz quinny cant cut it

Blogger lordhenry said...
I have to agree with Kazam, Luther head is a decent pick-up in my book, and probably better than the guard they have now.

I wonder if the cavs beating the celtics will affect bawful as badly as L.A.? probably not.

And Wild Yams, THIS is top-heavy:

Thought you might find it funny, but you're right, aside from having two of the best teams, the rest of the east sucks.

Anonymous Anonymous said...
Growing up as a soccer player, I got used to seeing people dribble or pass through the defender's legs. Every single time was (and will always be) a big deal.

As we called it, Jason Terry got Megged. When the officials weren't close enough to hear, we'd sometimes say, "Nutmegged." So, naturally, I assume that "Meg" is the PG version of "Through the nuts."

Anyway, it's shameful. No matter who you are, you should never let another man pass between your legs (unless, of course, you're having gay sex or involved in some sort of gang bang type thing).

In the world of sports, however, you always need to protect the Five Hole. Ask any goalie from any sport, "Would you rather let it in past your shoulder or between your legs?"

"Always, watch yo' nuggets."

Anonymous Anonymous said...
No love for Melo. Running to the bench isn't mocking himself. He never apologized or even admitted that he was in the wrong (someone, please tell me that I missed something and he actually DID apologize). He's mocking his coach. He's making a joke out of something George Karl took seriously.

Yeah, I agree with Karl. If the coach tells the player to get out of the game, the player gets out of the game. That's the difference between coaching and playing (you either coach, or you play, respectively). In that situation, Melo needed to walk to the bench and plead his case. Refusing to come out when it's your time - regardless of whether or not you're 'right' - is a direct challenge to the authority of the coach and - coming from the franchise player - teaches the rest of the team that they can do whatever they want. Small things are indicative of larger themes.

Just like everything else so far, I think Melo could have handled it a little better.

Anonymous Anonymous said...

Blogger Ignarus said...
Hmm - watching the Shaq replay over a couple of times, he reaches his arm out to help Wade up after the flop but Haslem gets there first. He waits awhile, but the gesture WAS there. I think that's why Wade didn't really remember it when he was asked about it later. I'm kinda disappointed that everyone made such a big deal out of this...

Anonymous Anonymous said...
I'd call it desperation when they want Luther Head to be "a scoring punch." He's not exactly the most prolific scorer, that's not his usual role on the court. That's why I am confused by that deal.

Anonymous Anonymous said...
Healthy dieting and exercise could really help us in attaining the perfect body for us. Sexy body is like a gift from Go that we should have to care of. It is because if we'll take it for granted, we might be fat and unattractive.