The Dallas Mavericks: They followed up a rousing victory over the Spurs with a smackdown in the Big Easy. Only the Mavs were on the receiving end of that smackdown. They didn't have it on offense (39 percent shooting) or defense (the Hornets connected on 56 percent of their field goals). In all fairness, though, it was unlikely that they were going to beat the Spurs AND the Hornets in a back-to-back situation, particularly since the second game was on the road. As Jason Terry put it: "We just ran out of juice. It wasn't a lack of effort. There just wasn't enough juice left in the tank." Speaking of Jason...
Jason Terry: Oooo. Highlighted by Chris Paul.
Tyson "I still can't believe they tried to trade me" Chandler had to pick his jaw up off the floor after that one: "Incredible. He made one of the best moves I've ever seen in my life -- on an NBA player. I was at halfcourt and I just stopped. I couldn't even finish the break because I had never seen anything like that." Nice excuse for being lazy, Tyson.
Apparently, Paul wasn't trying to show anybody up. He claimed afterward that he had no choice but to highlight Terry. "It was quick thinking. It was either run through him or throw the ball through his legs and pick it up on the other side. I've done it before in practice. ... It was the quickest thing I could come up with." I'm sure that provided some comfort to Jason after he was forced to watch that play for the 739th time on SportsCenter last night.
Speaking of Terry, he had something pretty, ahem, interesting to say after the Mavericks' victory over the Spurs on Wednesday night: "Erick Dampier is what makes this team go. He's the one we look for to seal our paint..." I'm gonna have to agree with Sir Charles on this one: If Dampier is what makes your team go, your team is in deep you-know-what. And as Erick's paint-sealing abilities: The Hornets got 13 layups and 10 dunks last night. I'm just sayin'.
Jason Kidd: His line: 36 minutes, 13 points (4-for-11), 5 rebounds, 2 assists, 2 turnovers. CP3's line: 27 points (10-for-18), 4 rebounds, 15 assists. Few things make J-Kidd look older than when he plays against Chris Paul. It's like arm-wrestling your grandpa.
Portland Trail Blazers: Yeah, 'Melo going off (38 points, 16-for-26) was probably unavoidable, seeing as this was his first game back from the one-game suspension he got for refusing to come out of a game. But 'Melo wasn't the only Nugget lighting things up against that Swiss cheese the Blazers called a "defense": J.R. Smith shot 7-for-12, Nene was 7-for-11 and Linas Kleiza finished 6-for-11. In all, Denver shot 53 percent as a team despite Mr. Big Shot's 3-for-13 clunker. Oh, and Portland missed 9 free throws. I can't get a handle on this team. I mean, they're pretty good, but, at the end of the day, they're ONLY pretty good. You know what I mean?
Update! Rudy Fernandez: Finally got some video to go with the picture at the top of this post:
If this was professional wrestling, the Birdman would have followed that up by jumping off a turnbuckle and hitting Rudy over the head with a steel chair. Then more hair smoovin'.
Update! Carmelo Anthony: (Via Ball Don't Lie.) I'll give 'Melo big points for self-mockery. But he's still the guy who refused to come out of a game last week, and accused his teammates of quitting in the playoffs last year, got caught at the airport with ganja in his backpack ("No, dude, it was my buddies pot!"), made an infamous appearance in Stop Snitchin' ("No, dude, that was a joke!"), threw a punch then ran away in the Knicks-Nuggets brawl (and the ensuing 15-game suspension may or may not have caused the Allen Iverson trade), got arrested for DUI...I'm just sayin'. I'd feel a lot better about Anthony if he could finish one season -- just one -- controversy-free.
Lacktion report: Chris, serving up lacktion, hot and fresh, since 2008:
Mavs-Hornets: Serving as Byron Scott's lacktator of choice, Ryan "I'm Not Bruce" Bowen did channel his namesake (a former trillionare champion!) through a fortune of 2.75 trillion.
Nuggets-Blazers: Sonny Weems seems to have come alive in adding to his All-Lacktion credentials since his selection to the squad of snoozers, panning a full 1.35 trillion worth of silver bouillon! Meanwhile, Johan Petro once again graces this section by racking up a Voskuhl (despite a block and three assists) of 4:1 in a 15:04 starting stint by taking four fouls against a brick and rebound.
Amare Stoudemire: Already ruled out for the rest of the regular season, STAT is now out for the playoffs as well. Assuming the Suns even make it to the postseason, that is. Dr. Pravin Dugel, the surgeon who performed Amare's detatched retina surgery, said: "Not this season, not at all. The Suns have the same goal -- to make sure he can resume his career. ... It's very difficult to explain to anyone how serious this is. It's more serious than any knee or ankle surgery. The healing is excruciatingly slow and delicate." That sounds pretty grim. Remember how team physicians advised him to wear goggles permenantly? If only he'd listened.
Still, I don't see what the big deal is. Can't we just fit Stoudemire with a Six Million Dollar Man-style bionic eye? There's one at Walmart for $49.76. Heck, I'll buy it myself, but the Suns will have to handle the installation. According to the bio-eye's Features & Specifications: "Table salt looks like blocks of ice. Fine hair looks like twisted rope. Even your own skin looks alien!" Sweet!
The mirdle: Since most men currently subsist on a diet composed entirely of gravy, frosting, and Twinkies covered in gravy and frosting, anti-flab fashion experts have invented the mirdle, which is a cute name for "man girdle." Basically, it's a spandex tank top that's two to three sizes too small for the disgusting, fleshy horror you call a body. It's purpose: To suck in your flopping beer belly as well as those unsightly man-boobs.
According to Gavin Jones, head of the Australian company Equmen, which launched the "mirdle" in London's Selfridges department store: "Men are under a lot of pressure right now to perform financially, socially and romantically. Why shouldn't we have the same products that women have had for years to make us feel better?" If that's the case, Gavin, what's next on your make-guys-feel-better-with-chick-stuff invention agenda? Manpons? Mangisil? Manscara? Daniel Craig?
The report justifies the invention of this abomination by stating the rising sales of male grooming products and clothing. Also: "And similarly men's underwear sales are growing faster than women's, with Selfridges recording a 21 per cent rise in sales of men's pants in 2008 while women's underwear grew by only ten percent." There's a very simple explanation for this: Men hate doing laundry. Hate it. So that makes underwear a disposable item. Personally, I buy a new six pack every week, which of course means I have to go commando at least one day -- usually Sunday -- but that's probably TMI. And I'm not an underwear sales statistics expert, but I'd be willing to bet that 90 percent of that 21 percent increase is just the same perv buying underwear over and over to satisfy some horrific fetish. Not that I'm judging.
Men, take it from me. Instead of cramming yourself into a sausage wrapper, just stop being fat. And to help you out with this, here's a weight loss tip from me to you: Next time you notice your hands are stuffed full of ham and delicious cake, don't cram it into your mouth. It's that easy.
Kobe Bryant: Mamba poked Adam Morrison with a pin, and then said: "Oh, I'm sorry, did my pin get in the way of your ass? Do me a favor and lose five pounds immediately or GET OUT OF MY BUILDING LIKE NOW!" After the incident, Adam didn't eat for a week, but he lost the five pounds, so the story had a happy ending. Until he passed out due to hunger while driving.