"No matter how low Kwame Brown got last season, Lakers coach Phil Jackson refused to introduce any more negativity into Brown's basketball mindset. When Brown was struggling with the triangle offense - struggling sometimes just to catch the ball in the post - Jackson tried to break down the game to its basics. All he asked of Brown was to run the floor, rebound and play defense."They left out how once, when it was raining, Phil drew Kwame a little picture of a sunny day, where the sun was actually a big smiley face, and there were two little stick figures holding hands. And then they went to the mall, and Phil bought Kwame a kitten, and the Zen Master named him "Little Stoney Paws Can't Catch A Goddamn Ball," which I know sounds like a funny name, but it was just a motivational ploy to make Kwame a better basketball player.
"I think our team has the chance to go all the way. We got all the tools. I think this year we can go all the way."Whaaaaaaaaaaaaat? No, really. What?!
"All the way to the championship."Did I miss something? Did David Stern move the Magic to the NBA Developmental League? Maybe Dwight stopped by Amsterdam on his way back from the FIBA World Championships. I don't know. But even without looking, I'm pretty sure no team has gone from 36-46 to an NBA title, especially without adding a Shaq or Wilt or something. Good luck with that, Dwight. I only hope the Earth doesn't explode off its axis due to the gravitational displacement caused by your rapidly expanding cajones.
"Member of the New Orleans Saints are expected to participate along with the New Orleans Hornets and the New Orleans Zephyrs, a Triple-A baseball team."That's it. There was no introduction to or explanation of that paragraph. It was just sitting there, awkward and alone, like the Baroness during an argument between Destro and Cobra Commander. Unrelated headlines, nonexistent transitions, mysterious non-paragraphs...these things make me question the journalistic standards of the Brocktown News.
"Long-time area business set to close next week"All I can say is that Brocktown must be a pretty exciting place*.
"Loans available for drought-stricken farmers"
"Penitentiary guards rally for new contract"
"Wood furnace fire turns deadly"
An Idaho judge has ruled that allegations against former Utah Jazz basketball player Karl Malone of bribery, perjury, racketeering and unjust enrichment be dismissed from court. Former business partner Sid Davis filed the allegations of misconduct against Malone in August for allegedly offering a $25,000 bribe to take the blame for an illegal elk hunting trip. One cause of action filed against Malone Properties, which Karl Malone serves as president, claiming breach of contract, remains in effect, according to the ruling by 6th District Judge Randy Smith.I always get a little misty-eyed when true justice is served, especially when it's served in the form of a Karl Malone-sized elbow to some vital organ. And now that all this legal mumbo jumbo* is out of the way, Karl can get back to doing what he does best...working out his hulking physique. You go, Karl.
"Malone...once again den[ies] any liability on any of the stated claims," wrote Malone's attorneys Katie Fontenot and J. Randall Call. "We expect that the remaining causes of action against Malone...will also be dismissed in the future."
"I absolutely love the Ryder Cup" Jordan said. "I love that it's not about the money. It's about the team. There's tension on every putt, every shot."And there you have it: a man who demanded $30 million in salary for each of his last two seasons (this being before the salary explosion of the late 1990s and early 2000s) and who (according to The Jordan Rules, among other sources) only consented to use the Triangle Offense if it still allowed him to win the league scoring title is now humping the leg of an event that's about team and not money. Who is he and what's he done with the real Jordan? Here's a gratuitous shot of Jordan dramatically watching the Cup:
"He tries real hard. He wants to be a great leader. He wants to play well. People want to make excuses for him not playing well, but he never makes excuses. He values this competition. It doesn't take much to get him going. He was off to a slow start, but that doesn't stop him. It's hard to break his spirit. He's been there many times.''Reading between the lines, Jordan is actually saying: "He's so totally like me, and I really admire the me in other people." The ironic thing is, the best of the "next Jordans" wasn't Harold Miner, or Grant Hill, or Kobe, or Lebron...it was a guy who doesn't even play basketball. Who would've figured? David Stern must be pissed.
"And the #1 Dirtiest Name in Sport is Chubby Cox. Born John Arthur Cox III, Chubby was a standout at the University of San Francisco in the '70s and was drafted by the Bulls in 1978. Cox only played in 7 NBA games, for the Philadelphia Kings in 1983. Chubby couldn't cut it on the professional level and spent his post-playing years teaching and coaching youths in the San Francisco area. But what matters most about him is that his name is Chubby Cox."I hate to break it to the guys over at Flumesday, but Chubby played for the Washington Bullets, not the "Philadelphia Kings." Oh well. As they so rightly point out, the most important "fact" is that his name was Chubby Cox.
"Chubby Cox did indeed play for the Philadelphia Kings -- it was in his third season as a member of the Continental Basketball Association, where the Kings were a franchise in the 1980-81 season. Cox also played for the Wilkes-Barre Barons (1978-79) and the Pennsylvania Barons (1979-80). In three seasons in the CBA, the 6'3" guard from USF averaged 21.8 ppg and 3.8 rpg. He also played in the postseason for each those three seasons."So the Flumesday people mixed up Chubby's time with the Kings and his actual 7-game career in the NBA, which was, in fact, with the Washington Bullets. Now that that's cleared up...have we mentioned his name was Chubby Cox?
"The NBA's screening process will now require a number of tests which exceed the American Heart Association 12-point program. They include a physical examination, blood work, an electrocardiogram, a resting echocardiogram and a stress echocardiogram. Players must also provide personal and family histories to screen for certain predispositions."Way to be proactive, NBA. And your new program sounds great and all, but I'm not too thrilled with the fine print:
"The new rules do not require a player to be banned based upon test results, but tests will be administered annually and no player can take part in training camp before the tests are taken."So basically the NBA "requires" more heart testing, but it won't necessarily do anything with the results. If I were a cynical person -- and I am -- I'd say this feels like your basic public relations maneuver. It also provides the league with a nifty means of avoiding any liability if and when a player keels over on the court.
"You're killing yourself with so much gray over here. What's spring is blue, pink, all those -- those are spring colors."Indeed. I know whenever I head out for some pickup hoops, I always dress in blue and pink. Spring colors just bring out my game, and they intimidate my opponents. Anyway...regarding his "competative problem" -- which caused him go all "Mike Tyson" on docile teammates like Will Perdue and Steve Kerr -- and being able to accept the fact that he's stupid:
"You know, I want to win. You know, I want to go out on a limb and win, you know? And sometimes that can take you past the stage that you, you know, probably should take a step back from. Sometimes I don't look at that line, I just step over that line. Some very embarrassing things. It's one of the things that you totally regret, say, you know, I -- you look at yourself in the mirror and say, 'I was stupid. I was really stupid.' But we all are. But you have to be able to look in that mirror and say that you're stupid."Mirror, mirror on the wall...who's the stupidest one of all? I think we all know the answer to that question. Moving on, then. Regarding whether he expected to get "unceremoniously" fired by the Washington Wizards:
"No. If that was the case, then obviously, I wouldn't have went back to play. Because I felt like I, you know, I played injured, you know, I went through, you know, surgery. And I did -- I did the things that a lot of young kids did not do. And I didn't have to do it, you know, but I did it with the benefit of trying to help an organization get back on its feet. And the gratitude that I was being given was, 'Your service is no longer wanted or needed.' So I felt like I was used, in a sense. But, you know, we've all been in a situation where we've been used. And we regret what we've, you know, but you learn."Sure, sure...he's still sticking to the story that he came back to tutor the young kids and show them how basketball players are supposed to conduct themselves. That's why he jettisoned Rip Hamilton, who went on to become an All-Star, an NBA champion, and one of the most respected guys in the league. Oh no, comeback number two wasn't a selfish, self-aggrandizing farewell tour. Heck no! And finally, my favorite quote which I will give completely free of any context:
"I didn't jerk on you too hard, did I?"No, no Michael...you jerked us all just hard enough.
Statistical Analysis: Out of a possible 976 words from the actual Jordan quotes, there were 36 instances in which Michael used the words "you know." This means that seven percent (72 words) of his responses were just "you knows." That's like, you know, kind of a lot.
Former NBA player Travis Best to play for BolognaNow I know that Travis hasn't played in the NBA since the 2004-05 season -- when he averaged a mere 6.8 points and 1.9 assists for the Nets -- but according to Peapod.com, the current unit price for Oscar Mayer bologna is only $5.98 a pound. That's barely above minimum wage, assuming Travis is receiving at least one pound of lunch meet per hour of practice and/or games. He could do better greeting the white trash at Wal-Mart. What's going on?!
"Bologna is the capital city of Emilia-Romagna in northern Italy, in the Pianura Padana, between the Po River and the Apennines, exactly, between Reno River and Savena River."That didn't help. Still confused. But I guess it's a city. Oh well...bored now.
"Being not only a agoraphobic but a hemophiliac, you can imagine how difficult my life is. 20 years ago I became a shut in and the most painful part of my existance was my inability to recieve fresh beef bologna. Imagine my glee at hearing the news that the delicate lunchmeat that had once been so readily available to my distinct palate was no longer going to be merely a dream! Just wrap a sweet gurken pickle in one of these delicious yet ambiguous flaps of meat, skewer it with a paper drink umbrella and friends, this girl is in heaven! My 14 cats and I have cocktail partys all the time....thank you amazon, and thank you oscar mayer for making my life worth living!"Number 4: Eat it or the terrorists win
"If your kids don't eat Oscar Mayer Beef Bologna at least twice a day then the terrorists win. I like to dip it in my morning coffee!"Number 3: Grow up
"Judging by the previous reviews, it seems a lot of people think Bologna is funny. I'm sorry, but I don't see the humor."Number 2: Bologna, Gift from Above
"At last, my search for balogna, a search that had oft awoken me in the middle of the turgid night, condensed with perspiration and mind a-swim with luncheon shortage paranoia, is over. No more eating of 2 slices of Wonder bread with naught but mustard inbetwixt, no more frustration of desiring that hot-dogged flavor in a flatter and more throwing-disc like form, no more eating of lesser substances that come not in a gleeful molded plastic tray nor come unbecircled in red plastic, no, Dear Lord, I have seen the light, and it is balogna. O loving, nay, GODLY meat, thou fulfilleth me and giveth me purpose. Amen."Number 1: Gangly
"One thing I did not realize when I purchased this item is that each slice of beef bologna is uniquely crafted to sleeve an undersized man's penis. I own a Jack Russell Terrier and a St. Bernard, and have never seen them bicker like they do when I don my new cap. I recommend this item to any buyer with a small penis and/or dogs. Thank you, Amazon."What does this tell us about ordering lunch meat online? Simply put, the only thing more frightening than receiving processed meatstuffs through the mail is the people who have already ordered it.
"The WNBA represents all that is great about basketball. My goal as a player in the NBA was not to be the best player on the floor, but to be the best team player. I see that concept everywhere I look in the WNBA. The players move the ball, play intense defense and dive for loose balls. They play with mutual respect, tenacity and high energy."Pretty glowing terms for a guy who, only four months later, was jumping into the last lifeboat on the Titanic. Cowens had also said "getting to build a team from scratch is a dream come true for any coach." That dream, of course, turned into a nightmare as it became clear that winning requires more than floor dives and respect. It also requires that you actually, you know, understand your players.
"Cowens said he enjoyed coaching the Sky but conceded he did not initially grasp the differences between coaching men and women. By way of example, he said he it took him a while to realize WNBA players craved order and planning, while he coached by the NBA model of leaving ample room for freelancing and improvisation."Reading between the lines, it's pretty obvious that Cowens expected his players to basically go out and coach themselves...just like NBA players. But instead of Stephon Marbury glaring at him for suggesting a pass, he had Coretta Brown looking to the sidelines for instructions that Cowens couldn't give her. Although you have to wonder whether that "freelancing and improvisation" theory really works for men, since Cowens has a lifetime NBA coaching record of 161 - 191.
"I'm glad I got the chance to do this. It helped me be more disciplined with paying attention to details. If you really know what you want, and where you want to be at the end of the season, you then can start at the beginning and build to that. I didn't really know that."So...if you know beforehand where you want to be...you can actually start at the beginning and work toward getting there. Brilliant!! It's like, knowing what I want to write before I start a sentence will totally help me write the sentence. See?! I just did it!! Awesome.
"What do you get when you cross a wild and crazy Asian with green spandex and tights, who talks in riddles? HAPPY HALLOWEEN LORI FROM THE RIDDLER!!!"Ha ha ha!! Great riddle, EFA!! My answer was going to be "douchebag," but yours is much more creative and pathetic. Poor Lori. I can't imagine what horrible thing did she do to deserve having this ghastly image left on her journal. Maybe she skins kittens alive and then eats them, or maybe she turned Everyone's Favorite Asian down for a date and this was his terrible revenge. Whatever the case, I feel the need once again to point out to the world that spandex is a privilege, not a right.
"For 20 years, women have begged Michael Jordan for one thing -- and it's not what you think! After receiving thousands of letters from ladies who were sick of shopping in the boys' department for Air Jordan attire, Michael is debuting his line of women's clothing!"Ha ha ha!! And here we thought they'd been begging for his rock hard "jump shot" (and by "jump shot" we of course mean "Italian leather briefcase"). But it turns out the only thing they wanted was the same clothes they were already wearing, only more expensive and with a little dunking Michael Jordan on their boobs. Jordan was so juiced about endorsing women's clothing that he was practically humping Oprah's leg. And who wouldn't be excited? I mean, the line boasts a color scheme never before used by Michael --green and pink! The Air Jordan logo is also different -- it's written in cursive. I'll say this for Michael, he really knows what women want: pink shirts with cursive writing, the universal formula for getting laid.