Basketbawful

Friday, September 15, 2006

I just stumbled across an article titled Michael Jordan's Life Today (dated August 21, 2006). If you don't want to read the article, I'll save you the trouble by providing a one-sentence summary: he's a dad, runs a yearly basketball camp, loves golf, and could still play basketball in the NBA if he wanted to. As is always the case with any Jordan interview, His Airness managed to mangle the English language, show a fascinating proclivity for run-on sentences, and utter an astonishing number of "you knows." Here are a few choice quotes.

Regarding a conversation with an unidentified member of his clothing design team, who wanted to create a new piece of gray sportswear:

"You're killing yourself with so much gray over here. What's spring is blue, pink, all those -- those are spring colors."

Indeed. I know whenever I head out for some pickup hoops, I always dress in blue and pink. Spring colors just bring out my game, and they intimidate my opponents. Anyway...regarding his "competative problem" -- which caused him go all "Mike Tyson" on docile teammates like Will Perdue and Steve Kerr -- and being able to accept the fact that he's stupid:

"You know, I want to win. You know, I want to go out on a limb and win, you know? And sometimes that can take you past the stage that you, you know, probably should take a step back from. Sometimes I don't look at that line, I just step over that line. Some very embarrassing things. It's one of the things that you totally regret, say, you know, I -- you look at yourself in the mirror and say, 'I was stupid. I was really stupid.' But we all are. But you have to be able to look in that mirror and say that you're stupid."

Mirror, mirror on the wall...who's the stupidest one of all? I think we all know the answer to that question. Moving on, then. Regarding whether he expected to get "unceremoniously" fired by the Washington Wizards:

"No. If that was the case, then obviously, I wouldn't have went back to play. Because I felt like I, you know, I played injured, you know, I went through, you know, surgery. And I did -- I did the things that a lot of young kids did not do. And I didn't have to do it, you know, but I did it with the benefit of trying to help an organization get back on its feet. And the gratitude that I was being given was, 'Your service is no longer wanted or needed.' So I felt like I was used, in a sense. But, you know, we've all been in a situation where we've been used. And we regret what we've, you know, but you learn."

Sure, sure...he's still sticking to the story that he came back to tutor the young kids and show them how basketball players are supposed to conduct themselves. That's why he jettisoned Rip Hamilton, who went on to become an All-Star, an NBA champion, and one of the most respected guys in the league. Oh no, comeback number two wasn't a selfish, self-aggrandizing farewell tour. Heck no! And finally, my favorite quote which I will give completely free of any context:

"I didn't jerk on you too hard, did I?"

No, no Michael...you jerked us all just hard enough.

Statistical Analysis: Out of a possible 976 words from the actual Jordan quotes, there were 36 instances in which Michael used the words "you know." This means that seven percent (72 words) of his responses were just "you knows." That's like, you know, kind of a lot.

"It's like, you know, when you step on the, you know, court and,you know, play basketball, then, you know, and...you know?"

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