Karl Malone has officially made the government's secret "Top Ten Supervillains" list, right between Dr. Doom and the Riddler (see below). But Malone didn't try to blow up the Fantastic Four or lead Batman on a wild goose chase via a series of complex, interconnected riddles. No, he did something even more insideous: he tried to bribe someone.
Apparently, Malone and a former business partner, one Sidney Ray Davis, went on an "illegal elk hunting trip" back in 1998. And the "illegal" part means that Davis, at one-time a licensed outfitter for winter elk hunting trips, didn't have a state-issued elk hunting tag for Malone. According to the lawsuit, Malone didn't want anyone to find out that he'd "hunted" (i.e., fired his gun once into the snow) without a license because he thought it would hurt his contract negotiations with the Jazz. This somehow lead to Malone's brother-in-law, Ken Kensey, threatening to kick Davis' ass, which was followed by Malone himself offering Davis $25K just to shut the hell up about it, followed by Malone signing a new contract with the Jazz worth over $60 million.
And now, eight years later, Davis is suing. There's a lot of mumbo jumbo about how Malone had "business obligations" he never fulfilled, and all that blahbity blah blah. I assume that "didn't fulfill business obligations" is fancy lawyer talk for "didn't pay the bribe he promised." But in the end, what it really comes down to is Davis hoping to withdraw a few hundred thousand out of the First National Bank of Karl Malone.
My take? It's probably true. I love Karl Malone, but he's just enough of an idiot that I can totally see him asking his brother to threaten a guy, then just trying to pay the guy off. But honestly, there are way too many gray areas in this whole situation for Davis to win. And even if he does win, I'm pretty sure you can't use the American legal system to force someone to pay the bribe money he owes you. Of course, we live in a world where little old ladies get millions of dollars for pouring hot coffee in their own laps, so who knows.
Nut-tastic Extra: My most favoritist picture of Karl Malone ever -- kicking Robert Horry square in the nuts.
I've got your "clutch shot" right here, Mr. Horry.
Riddle me this: What's gay, green, and black...and looks like a blob of pudding stuffed into a spandex sack? This guy:
Batman's worst nightmare. And mine. And probably yours too.
This is Everyone's Favorite Asian* from MySpace. For reasons that simply can't be understood by our Earth logic, he dressed up as a homosexual (or homosexual-ER) version of the Riddler, took a picture of himself wearing it, and left it in a comment on some poor girl's MySpace profile...along with the following "riddle":
*Choosing to call yourself "Everyone's Favorite Asian" is potentially misleading. For instance, my favorite Asian is Jackie Chan, and I suspect around 98 percent of all other white Americans feel the same way. So if I were to wander to the MySpace profile of someone claiming to be "everyone's" favorite Asian, I'd be expecting kickass stunts and lots of fighting that involves common household items and ladders. But what I would get is a chubby guy in a Riddler costume. Not cool.
Apparently, Malone and a former business partner, one Sidney Ray Davis, went on an "illegal elk hunting trip" back in 1998. And the "illegal" part means that Davis, at one-time a licensed outfitter for winter elk hunting trips, didn't have a state-issued elk hunting tag for Malone. According to the lawsuit, Malone didn't want anyone to find out that he'd "hunted" (i.e., fired his gun once into the snow) without a license because he thought it would hurt his contract negotiations with the Jazz. This somehow lead to Malone's brother-in-law, Ken Kensey, threatening to kick Davis' ass, which was followed by Malone himself offering Davis $25K just to shut the hell up about it, followed by Malone signing a new contract with the Jazz worth over $60 million.
And now, eight years later, Davis is suing. There's a lot of mumbo jumbo about how Malone had "business obligations" he never fulfilled, and all that blahbity blah blah. I assume that "didn't fulfill business obligations" is fancy lawyer talk for "didn't pay the bribe he promised." But in the end, what it really comes down to is Davis hoping to withdraw a few hundred thousand out of the First National Bank of Karl Malone.
My take? It's probably true. I love Karl Malone, but he's just enough of an idiot that I can totally see him asking his brother to threaten a guy, then just trying to pay the guy off. But honestly, there are way too many gray areas in this whole situation for Davis to win. And even if he does win, I'm pretty sure you can't use the American legal system to force someone to pay the bribe money he owes you. Of course, we live in a world where little old ladies get millions of dollars for pouring hot coffee in their own laps, so who knows.
Nut-tastic Extra: My most favoritist picture of Karl Malone ever -- kicking Robert Horry square in the nuts.
Riddle me this: What's gay, green, and black...and looks like a blob of pudding stuffed into a spandex sack? This guy:
This is Everyone's Favorite Asian* from MySpace. For reasons that simply can't be understood by our Earth logic, he dressed up as a homosexual (or homosexual-ER) version of the Riddler, took a picture of himself wearing it, and left it in a comment on some poor girl's MySpace profile...along with the following "riddle":
"What do you get when you cross a wild and crazy Asian with green spandex and tights, who talks in riddles? HAPPY HALLOWEEN LORI FROM THE RIDDLER!!!"Ha ha ha!! Great riddle, EFA!! My answer was going to be "douchebag," but yours is much more creative and pathetic. Poor Lori. I can't imagine what horrible thing did she do to deserve having this ghastly image left on her journal. Maybe she skins kittens alive and then eats them, or maybe she turned Everyone's Favorite Asian down for a date and this was his terrible revenge. Whatever the case, I feel the need once again to point out to the world that spandex is a privilege, not a right.
*Choosing to call yourself "Everyone's Favorite Asian" is potentially misleading. For instance, my favorite Asian is Jackie Chan, and I suspect around 98 percent of all other white Americans feel the same way. So if I were to wander to the MySpace profile of someone claiming to be "everyone's" favorite Asian, I'd be expecting kickass stunts and lots of fighting that involves common household items and ladders. But what I would get is a chubby guy in a Riddler costume. Not cool.
10 Comments:
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Poor Lori. Not homosexual-ER, he's homosexual-EST. The Homosexualest of EVERYONE.
I ran your comments through my Bat Computer, though. It tells me you said nice things. Thank you.
–adjective
1. not sane; not of sound mind; mentally deranged.
2. of, pertaining to, or characteristic of a person who is mentally deranged: insane actions; an insane asylum.
3. utterly senseless: an insane plan.
I dont see your deffinition in there anywhere buddy... Your site isnt the first website i have come acrost that insult random people to get a spike in their hits. But yours is the first that hunts for victims and hides in the shadows to avoid the confrontation.
Care Bear land is great! I enjoy living with all the little happy teddy bears. Hows Chicago? Did you get to Huff one of the Bulls sweat rags? Ooo did you manage to snag a jockstrap!? Good for you, creep. Obsession is a mental illness so as to create one i shall post this and never look back. I could find your website's ip and search for your ISP and find who the ip is registered to then search the name on people finder... But thats crazy talk. Ill buy you a hotdog at a basketball game, hotdogs are your favorite right? Yeah goodbye
Now, my lawyer has advised me to end all dialogue with the mentally disabled, because they tend to drool and sometimes bite. So good luck in life!