In case you missed it, Michael Jordan recently appeared on an episode of the Oprah Winfrey show. (And if you didn't miss it...what the hell are you doing watching Oprah??!) The episode was titled A Hilarious Surprise For Michael Jordan, and it was basically a chance for His Airness to shamelessly promote a new brand of him-themed women's apparel, the Jordan Women's Collection:
"For 20 years, women have begged Michael Jordan for one thing -- and it's not what you think! After receiving thousands of letters from ladies who were sick of shopping in the boys' department for Air Jordan attire, Michael is debuting his line of women's clothing!"Ha ha ha!! And here we thought they'd been begging for his rock hard "jump shot" (and by "jump shot" we of course mean "Italian leather briefcase"). But it turns out the only thing they wanted was the same clothes they were already wearing, only more expensive and with a little dunking Michael Jordan on their boobs. Jordan was so juiced about endorsing women's clothing that he was practically humping Oprah's leg. And who wouldn't be excited? I mean, the line boasts a color scheme never before used by Michael --green and pink! The Air Jordan logo is also different -- it's written in cursive. I'll say this for Michael, he really knows what women want: pink shirts with cursive writing, the universal formula for getting laid."Just like regular clothes, only they cost twiceas much and say 'Air Jordan'...awesome!!"The most shocking part of the show was Michael's admission that the existing Jordan products -- which are marketed to a male audience -- were actually designed like women's clothing. "People don't realize, in the past the men's clothes were influenced by the women's. I've always taken from the ladies and incorporated it into the shoes and clothes." So every time I put on a pair of Air Jordans, or wore a pair of his Jumpman shorts, I was, what, cross-dressing? I...I don't know what to say, except that Michael Jordan is responsible for my very first sexual identify crisis. Thanks a lot, Mike.
Believe it or not, the show wasn't just one big commerical for Jordan's new clothing line. Remember, there was supposed to be a "hilarious suprise" in store for Michael, and that surprise took the form of...Charles Barkley in a bright blue women's running suit:"Love me, Michael. Please love me. I worewomen's clothes for you. Even a thong."It's, uhm, really nice of Barkley to support the Jordan Women's Collection, but did he really need to wear some of it? I mean, seriously, that looks awful...even by Barkley's standards. And all this only a few days after he came out in favor of gay marriage. Is Sir Charles trying to tell us something? More importantly, is he trying to tell Michael something? After all, when Oprah asked Barkley about the source of Jordan's appeal, Charles said, "He's got great charisma. He always dresses fantastic. He has what I call 'It.'" Barkley then reached over and gently stroked Jordan's thigh while looking longingly into his dark brown eyes. I think we all know what this means, and all I can say is "God bless them."