The Brocktown News ("a local news leader") recently ran an article titled Kobe ready for another run to NBA title. Reading that headline gave me an uneasy feeling, like maybe I'd been transported to some kind of parallel universe where the Nazis won and replaced everything in the world with pure evil. I mean, ready for another run to the title? I know Kobe's a confident guy and everything, but does he really think adding Vladimir Radmanowhatever is going to propel the "embarrassingly dumped in the first round after choking up a 3-1 series lead" Lakers to the NBA Finals? He couldn't be thinking that...could he?

Turns out he isn't.

The article doesn't mention anything about Kobe's title aspirations. In fact, it doesn't mention the NBA title at all. It just describes Kobe's recovery from knee surgery, his summer vacation in Asia, and the "misunderstanding" regarding his statements about the U.S. basketball team's chemistry. In the middle of all that la mierda del toro, the article gracelessly transitions into Kobe's feelings about New Orleans' recovery from the effects of Hurricane Katrina, which itself lead into the following stand-alone paragraph:
"Member of the New Orleans Saints are expected to participate along with the New Orleans Hornets and the New Orleans Zephyrs, a Triple-A baseball team."
That's it. There was no introduction to or explanation of that paragraph. It was just sitting there, awkward and alone, like the Baroness during an argument between Destro and Cobra Commander. Unrelated headlines, nonexistent transitions, mysterious non-paragraphs...these things make me question the journalistic standards of the Brocktown News.

It's really a wasted opportunity, when you think about it. If you're going to mention Kobe in a headline that has nothing to do with your story, why not spice things up a little? Like maybe "Kobe ready to fight off mutant housepet invasion," or "Kobe ready to have Elvis' brain transplanted into his own buttocks," or "Kobe ready to seize Castle Greyskull and evict the sorceress." Or something like that.

Joy-tastic Photo Accompaniment: Here's my favorite picture of Kobe writhing around in pain. It always brings a little extra happy to my day.


Kobe pain
Why does Kobe's pain bring me such joy? Why? Why?!

Brocktown News Breaks the News: The following headlines are listed under the Brocktown News "Breaking News" category:
"Long-time area business set to close next week"

"Loans available for drought-stricken farmers"

"Penitentiary guards rally for new contract"

"Wood furnace fire turns deadly"
All I can say is that Brocktown must be a pretty exciting place*.

* For me to poop on.
2 Comments:
Anonymous Jack said...
Poowr wikkle Kobe-kins. Does he want his mummy to put some ice on it?

You're right, this photo brightens any day.

Anonymous Anonymous said...
lol how wrong were you you fucking dweeb! kobe is the best!!

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