Mamba says: "Bloargh!"
Update! Whoops. Forgot to thank Sky Flakes for today's pic.

Rashad McCants: Khloe Kardashian -- otherwise known as the little sister of that chick who's famous for reasons my human brain can't begin to fathom -- has officially broken up with McCants. This is how she announced the split on her Web site: "I wanted you all to be the first to hear the news that as of last night Rashad and I are no longer together. Relationships are hard enough as it is when you live in the same city, and he's in a different city everyday for games. Our time together was just so limited because of both of our schedules that we decided it is best not to be in a committed relationship. The last seven months have been great and we will definitely remain close friends."

Rashad: YOU'VE BEEN FRIENDED. That's great on Facebook, bad from somebody you used to form the beast-with-two-backs with. The news must have been pretty hard for McCants to take, particularly considering that he can't get off...the Timberwolves' bench: He's logged 12 DNP-CDs in Minnesota's last 13 games. Rejected first by Kevin McHale, then by the kid sister of a B-List (or maybe even C-List) celebrity. Ouchies.

McCants is apparently expressing his heartbreak on (surprise!) his Facebook page. During this ordeal, his relationship status went from "In a Relationship" to "It's Complicated" to "In an Open Relationship." And the "interests" section of his profile read: "that's who my relationship is with...MONEY." It seems he also posted: "F**k you [haters]. My status is Star Status." Okay then. He did attempt to set the record straight on his own official site, just so we didn't think Khloe broke up with him because he was cheating on her during his time "in a different city every day."

Awesome doesn't begin to describe how I feel about the sheer amount of drama generated by an NBA player who doesn't even play and his not-really-famous ex-girlfriend. As Yakov Smirnoff would no doubt say: What a country! Maybe Rashad will find some sort of release in poetry. Go read his epic ballad Hustle and Cream.

The Washington Wizards Generals: Breaking news! Dr. Paul Armstrong, the world-famous meteor scientist who defeated the Lost Skeleton of Cadavra, has recently unearthed the heretofore unknown substance that lies below what is known as "rock bottom." And that substance is: The Washington Generals. This historic discovery was made after the Memphis Grizzles -- who have had three different coaches (Marc Iavaroni, Johnny Davis and Lionel Hollins) in the 12 games since they last enjoyed the thrill of victory -- went to Washington and beat the Generals by 16 behind O.J. Mayo's career-high-tying 33 points.

Said Generals interim coach Ed Tapscott: "That was the worst effort I've seen us give since I've been here. There wasn't any hustle. There wasn't any life. That was just a very, very poor effort." The AP recap doesn't say that Tapscott then broke into tears, but that's sort of how I'm imagining it.

O.J. Mayo, unintentional disrespect machine: Remember how I mentioned that Mayo matched his career high against the Generals? Well, his final two points were scored on an uncontested dunk on the Grizzlies' final possession...when Mayo could have just to run out the clock. Tapscott didn't care, dismissing the In-Your-Face Disgrace as an act of "youthful exuberance." But Caron Butler was pissed: "That's a sign of disrespect. It's one of those things. You've got to understand people are going to kick you when you're down." That's true, but Caron, think about it: That's the BEST TIME to kick somebody! [/Bobby "The Brain" Heenan]

Mayo, on the other hand, was going with Tapscott's "youthful exuberance" angle: "Just so happy to get a win. I'm sorry on the sportsmanship thing, I was just so happy to get a win and bring it home with a bang and finally have a positive feeling in the locker room at the end of the game." Well, look out, O.J. The Generals will be in Memphis for their revenge game on April Fool's Day. Appropriate, huh?

Lionel Hollins, blame-passing machine: After the Griz busted out of their slump last night, their latest coach said: "They haven't lost 12 in a row with me." Remember, Lionel: When you point a finger, there are three fingers pointing back at you.

The Orlando Magic: Talk about bad nights. The Magic lost Jameer Nelson for the game -- and maybe for a while -- after he dislocated his right shoulder in the third quarter. With Nelson out, Orlando's opponent, the Dallas Mavericks, got hot: The Mavs went on a 19-6 to build a 75-57 third-quarter lead. They then started the fourth with a 10-4 burst to push their lead to 87-67. The Magic actually rallied to pull to within 99-90 with 2:29 left...but never got any closer. For the game, Dallas shot 53 percent to Orlando's 42 percent. Said Stan Van Gundy: "That one was pretty simple. We couldn't stop them, and we couldn't score. That makes for a long evening."

The New York Knicks: Before his team's game against the Lakers, Mike 'Antoni stood up before the court of public opinion and said: "The defense rests, your honor." However, the imaginary judge I made up for this story was confused. Why, he wondered, does New York's defense need to rest? They haven't even done anything this season! And that didn't change last night, as every player on the Knicks' roster bent over in unison and said: "Yes, Kobe! Take us! Take us any way you want us!" And that's exactly what the Mamba did, scoring a Madison Square Garden record 61 points on 19-for-31 shooting (and a perfect 20-for-20 from the line).

'Anonti, you might remember, liked to employ a "Let Kobe score as many points as he wants" strategy when he was coaching in Phoenix, with the theory being that Kobe's ball-hoggery would keep his teammates off the stat sheet while wearing Mamba down by the fourth quarter. And, uh, yeah, that worked like a charm, didn't it? Said 'Antoni: "We tried to do the rope-a-dope a little bit where he might shoot himself out, but he didn't. He just kept on going."

Kobe's non-stop hotness wasn't the only flaw in Mikey's full-of-holes plan. Pau Gasol finished with 31 points, 14 rebounds and 5 assists. So much for holding down everybody BUT Kobe.

Much as it may surprise some people, I think it's awesome that Kobe came out all shoot 'em up after it was announced that Andrew Bynum will be out at least 8-10 weeks. That's what great players are supposed to do: Stamp out any notions of vulnerability. Of course, it helped that he was facing a thighs wide open defense. My only regret is that he had to break Bernard King's MSG record of 60 points set on Christmas Day in 1984. I would have liked to see King's record stand.

More bad news for the Knicks: New York hosts Cleveland on Wednesday and Boston on Friday. It's the first time a team has played three straight games against opponents with .750 winning percentages after February 1st since the Celtics did it in February 1995. Thanks to the Elias Sports Bureau for that useless stat of the day.

The Los Angeles Clippers: Okay. I take back what I've been saying all season. The Clippers AREN'T who we thought they were. They're WORSE. Baron Davis, Marcus Camby and now Zach Randolph are all back, but even that couldn't alter The Other L.A. Team's trance-like play, as they lost 119-95 to the Heat in Miami. The Clips have now lost six straight and 20 of 22. I'd insert the obligatory Mike Dunleavy Sr. "why we lost" quote here, but the fact that he's still coaching this team fills me with a white-hot rage. So I'm going to just skip it today.

Miami shot almost 56 percent from the field and tied their second-highest point total of the season. The other time they scored 119 was against the defenseless Kings. They also scored 130 points, in overtime, versus the equally defenseless Warriors. Basically, the only way the Clippers defense could have looked worse was if the Knicks hadn't been playing last night.

The New Orleans Hornets: Like the Magic, the Hornets suffered a crippling third-quarter injury, only it was even more cripplingier: Chris Paul strained his right groin. (Yes, CP3 is so manly he has multiple groins. What about it?) When Paul left with 1:30 left in the third, New Orleans was up on Portland 72-55. They were then outscored 42-17 [!!] the rest of the way, including 38-15 in the fourth quarter, en route to losing 97-89. No doubt if you look up "complete and total collapse" in the dictionary, you'll find a short description of this game.

But the Hornets' defeat wasn't due only to a weakness in the backcourt, they were also pitifully feeble up front, getting outrebounded 52-32 by the Blazers. Apparently, the New Orleans players think that "box out" is just a particular kind of pornography. Speaking of which...

Comcast: The Philadelphia branch of the cable giant was forced to apologize Monday to Tucson-area customers because -- get this! -- the Super Bowl was interrupted by 30seconds worth of hard core porn. Seriously. Jennifer Khoury, Comcast's vice president for corporate communications, said: "Our initial investigation suggests this was an isolated malicious act." I'm not sure whether they're talking about the interruption itself or the scene that was actually shown. Maybe both? Anyway, Comcast says they're very sorry about the whole mess and is offering a generous $10 credit for those effected. Which, ironically, is about what they charge viewers for porn on their pay-per-view service.

Update! Groin injuries: Sun Devil sent in this image of CP3 immediately after his right-groin injury. Looks like it smarts something 'bawful. As Sun Devil said: "This is the most powerful piece of expression since Hans Moleman's indie flick."


The Charlotte Bobcats: Despite the continuing absence of Carlos Boozer (knee) and Andrei Kirilenko (ankle) as well as the new absence of Deron Williams (who sat out due to a contusion above his right knee), the 'Cats lost by 19 in Utah. Charlotte is now 0-3 since their miracle win over the Lakers and haven't finished any of those games within single digits of their opponent. The Bobcats actually shot pretty well (50 percent) and got 4 whole points out of former lottery pick Adam Morrison, but they also committed 24 turnovers (which helped the Jazz score an extra 32 points) and missed 8 free throws.

Raja Bell, back-handed compliment machine: Regarding his team's loss to a squad comprised mostly of Utah's backups: "That team that was on the court for them, I'm reluctant to say they're a better team than we are, but they beat us tonight and I'll tip my hat to them." Did anyone actually see Raja's hat? I hope it looked like a giant hot dog.

The Sacramento Kings: The Kings are trying their darnedest to prove that they, and not the Washington Wizards Generals are the worst team in the NBA. And last night's disaster against the Phoenix Suns might just have done the trick. The Sactowners were down 21 points by the end of the first quarter and ended up losing by 48 in what can only be described as a complete and utter cornholing. Of course, this was a case of the Suns, as a team and as a franchise, screaming: "WE'RE OKAY! SEE?! WE'RE REALLY, REALLY OKAY!" This sentiment was echoed by Terry Porter, who said afterward: "This win was definitely needed, from the standpoint of our confidence. Maybe we'll start believing we're a good team." Uh, you do realize you were playing the worst defensive team in the league...right, Terry?

But I'm not here to criticize the team that WON by almost 50 points. Sacramento shot 37 percent, missed 10 threes, committed 26 turnovers (to only 13 assists) and did enough hacking to give up 40 free throw attempts to the Suns. The Suns set a season-high for points (129) and a home record for margin of victory (it was also the largest winning margin by any team this season). But the worst part is that this wasn't even the only time the Kings have lost by 40+ points this season: They also lost by 45 to the Celtics. And that happened in Sacramento.

Bonus facts: The Suns outrebounded the Kings 64-44, including 21 off the offensive boards. They finished with a season-high 30 fast break points. They also had a season-high 16 steals, and they outscored Sacramento 64-34 in the paint.

Chris provided some perfectly bland quotes from Kings coach Kenny Natt's post game press conference: "That was a very embarrassing game." And: "They jumped on us right away and we were never really in the ballgame." Plus: "An all-around lack of effort tonight, offensively, defensively." Furthermore: "When you're hungry, you'll get 21 offensive rebounds, you'll get 59 total rebounds. Their effort was a lot better than ours." Moreover: "We've shown we're a lot better than that and we've played a lot better than that." Finally: "The game was lost in the first five minutes of the game." And yes, that sound you just heard was the Dull-Negrometer exploding.

The Golen State Warriors: The Knicks, Clippers and Kings were all horrible on the defensive end, and the Warriors tried to upstage them. They didn't quite get there, but they did well enough to lose at home in overtime to the Spurs, who exploded for 110 points. And yes, I consider 110 and explosion for the Spurs. Manu Ginobili scored a season-high 32 points and Tim Duncan matched his season-high with an identical 32.

Stephen Jackson actually could have won the game at the end of regulation, but he missed a leaning jumper on which, he thinks, he was hacked. "I got fouled. I took the shot and he hit my arm. I guess I'm not good enough to get that call." The Suns feel your pain, Captain Jack.

Lacktion report: Basketbawful's interpid lacktion beat report Chris once again took some time out to provide our daily dose of lacktivity.

Mavs-Magic: Ryan Hollins put in a true Voskuhl for Dallas by fouling out after 10:41 of playing time and giving away the ball once, against one made shot and one rebound -- a staggering ratio of 7:3!

Grizzlies-Wizards: Greg Buckner was forced into extended playing time, where the pull of contributory basketball simply became irresistible. So Memphis's Kyle Lowry produced his +1 via foul in 3:56, before getting hurt.

Clippers-Heat: With Mike Dunleavy Sr. benching Cheikh Samb, he needed to find two new robber barons, and off his bench came DeAndre Jordan and Jason Hart, who did not disappoint. Jordan's 2.9 trillion nicely complemented a 21-second Mario from Hart.

Lakers-Knicks: After an absence from these reports, Sun Yue heated up with a one-foul +1 in 1:48 at MSG, as the human victory cigar to cap off an offensive explosion by the Lakers (who, highlighted by Kobe's 61 points, never scored fewer than 30 in a quarter -- a clear after-effect of Mike 'antoni efense!!).

Bobcats-Jazz: Alexis Ajinca gave Charlotte a 49 second Mario, coupled with a brick. In those same 49 seconds, Utah's Morris Almond also racked up a Mario -- creating Mario Brothers from opposing teams for once! Almond did get an assist in his limited seconds of court time.

Kobe Bryant: After spit-roasting the Knicks, Mamba was toweling off in the locker room when he looked over at Luke Walton and said: "You know, Luke, I'm never gonna forget the night we scored 67 together." After a short pause, Kobe said: "How many of those did you score again?" When Luke didn't immediately answer, Kobe said: "I ASKED HOW MANY OF THOSE YOU SCORED, WALTON!" To which Luke was forced to reply "Six." "Oh," said Mamba. "Well, uh, great game and all that."

Labels: Comcast Turtles, lacktion report, Los Angeles Clippers, New York Knicks, Phoenix Suns, Rashad McCants, Sacramento Kings, Washington Wizards, Worst of the Night

Editor's note: Since the lacktion reports have been increasing in popularity and awesomeness, they will now be getting their own posts...until our lacktion reporter gets tired of doing them.

Sixers-Hornets: Marreese Speights, the Sixers' most recent first round draft pick, has been productive in recent stints. However, since Elton Brand's recovery, the Sixers have been bent on including the ex-Clipper deadweight on the court to slow down the game and make it easier for other teams to grab victory off of the Comcast Turtles' Conveyor Belt of Fail. (Anyone who has seen one of those annoying commercials will know this reference all too well.)

So with Brand firmly re-inserted into the lineup as the human jaws of defeat, Speights had to change his focus from contributing to the uptempo offense during Elton's absence to earning notability through the lacktion writeup. Two fouls and 3:02 later, he proudly achieved a +2, which involved much less masonry than Elton's statline (three missed shots, compounded by two turnovers!).

Sadly, in this case, lacktion was much more of a positive contribution than a Big Free Agent Signing's start.

Update! Wow. Immediately after Marreese Speights had his first taste of lacktion for 2009, Bill Simmons goes out and declares him underrated, putting him in the same company as Millsap, Durant and...Manny Ramirez? Huh?

Blazers-Clippers: Channing Frye served as Portland's human victory cigar against The Team That Is Who We Thought It Was, scoring a beautiful 1.9 trillion at Staples Center in the midst of a 25-point win. Conversely, Mike Dunleavy's squad of castoffs all demonstrated why they are not on professionally-operated basketball teams, as three bench jockeys managed to ruin exemplary runs of coldness with insignificant contributions.

Jason Hart trashed an eight-minute run of one foul by tossing the ball to a scoring teammate for an exasperating assist, while Ricky Davis let a missed shot land onto his palms for a brick-and-foul negating rebound, the same problem Cheikh Samb had. Samb (the focal point of the Iverson/Billups trade -- at least for lacktion enthusiasts) bungled a two-brick non-performance in nearly five minutes with the aforementioned board.

And now up on Deadspin: Cheikh Samb gets posterized!


About the author: Chris is a Sacramento resident and Bay Area native who is surrounded by all forms of bawful, from The Oracle to Arco Arena (or whatever barn the Maloofs can milk the most profit from in the near future). After all, when you live in a town in which an ex-trillionare champion (John Salmons) is the home team's starter, is there much to be expected on the positive front? No. So Chris has made it his goal to become the Bill James or Hubie Brown of lacktivity, seeing how abundant it has become in Northern California. Outside of his life as a lacktion statistician, he follows a random collection of other sports (auto racing, ice hockey, snooker, boxing)...

Labels: Channing Frye, Cheikh Samb, Comcast Turtles, Elton Brand, guest author, lacktion report, Los Angeles Clippers, Marreese Speights, Mike Dunleavy Sr., Philadelphia 76ers, Portland Trail Blazers