When I think about you I touch myself...
Carmelo must really like The Divinyls

As requested by Sorbo in last night's BAD comments, it's time for a rant.

The NCAA has decided that this year's March Madness tournament has been so thrilling -- and so profitable -- that they want to give us fans even more of the good stuff and expand the tournament, and they are exploring options for a 96-team field. Nothing official has been decided yet, but it is sounding more and more likely, especially considering the NCAA has already outlined most of the fine points and details of such a tournament expansion.

This is an awful idea, right? (As Sorbo so eloquently put it, "That's like taking gold and dipping it in shit.") I haven't put much thought into it yet, but how about a little steam-of-consciousness ranting experiment? (cracks knuckles) Here we go...

Look, I understand that sports are nothing more than a business. I understood that well before I went to school and got a marketing degree (that I do nothing with). That being said, where is the line in the sand? At what point do you have to consider maintaining the integrity of the tournament? (Oh wait, it's the NCAA -- they know nothing of integrity even if they are really good at pretending they care about the "student athletes" they exploit for free) How far can you dilute the product before you start turning away the fans and get diminishing results and less return on your investment?

Who honestly wants to see most of the first-round matchups that will exist in such a tournament? Will teams still give a crap in the regular season, or will they half-ass their way through more games since there is less incentive to perform then or risk missing the tournament? (It'd be like the Lakers and Celtics lollygagging their way through recent games, except with crappier, more inexperienced players! Shudder.) And think of how the office bracket pools will be destroyed. Nobody wants to fill out all 96 teams. And you'd have to print your brackets out on that huge 11"x17" paper just to be able to read them. And perhaps most importantly, who the hell is going to fill the seats at these games? The number of bare seats at most first round games is already staggering. They'll have even more attendance woes for the bottom of the barrel games where the team that barely would have made it into the NIT gets to play against one of the higher seeds. It will look so bad on TV that people will turn off the games in disgust. (Maybe I can get a part-time job as a professional spectator to help them fill seats for appearance purposes?)

But hey, if CBS or ABC/ESPN is willing to pay more than $6 billion for TV rights for a decade, money talks, and it talks plenty loud...

* * *

In less depressing bawful news, one great thing about bawful is that it can show up anywhere at any time. It has come to our attention that there is even some phenomenal bawful to be found in, um, adult entertainment. You know how we like to poke fun at Stan Van Gundy for looking like Ron Jeremy? This shot from the opening of a scene just brings it around full circle:

Oh my God.
Yes, that is a Ben Wallace Pistons jersey, and yes that is a Charles Barkley Suns jersey. And yes they have sex later in the scene, and yes it is totally disgusting because Stan Van Gundy Ron Jeremy looks like a greasy 300lb hedgehog on top of that poor girl. I feel like I need to go throw up in a trash can. Let's just move on.

And one last thing before we get into the Pictures: here's the most emasculating facial ever. (And wow, saying that right after the Ron Jeremy thing... I feel dirty)

Um... ouch.

Worst of the Night in Pictures:

Vag Carter, open your eyes!
Playing basketball with your eyes shut is hard

Hand in the face? What?
Hey Rashard, it's hard to get a hand in his face when you're turned the wrong damn way

This is Denver's mayor. Seriously.

Birdman Andersen somehow gets uglier and scarier looking every single day

Nationally Televised Friday Games:
Hawks at Crabs: Good news, Hawks fans! Anderson Varejao, who hit his first-career trey against the Hawks to effectively clinch the win for his team on December 30th, will likely sit out this game.

Jazz at Lakers: Aww man. Another game of not giving a shit until the playoffs?

All The Other Friday Games:
Heat at Pacers: The Heat are riding a six-game winning streak that's helped them move higher into playoff position. Of course, having one of the most favorable schedules in the history of basketball for the final three weeks of the season probably helps your confidence.

Bulls at Wizards Generals Bullets: The Bulls actually managed to lose to the Bullets back in February. This game could be very telling regarding Derrick Rose's potential stat curse.

Bucks at Bobcats: Fear the deer! Wait a second, wouldn't a bobcat absolutely annhiliate a deer in a fight? This confuses me.

Rockets at Celtics: The Celtics haven't been playing well at home (honestly, how does a team win MORE road games than home games?!), but lucky for them, the Houston Money Ballers are falling apart like a Jenga tower in an earthquake.

Suns at Pistons: So, so tempting to watch just to see how many high fives Steve Nash dishes out.

Hornets at Grizzlies: So, uh, the Grizzlies are technically alive for a playoff spot. However, that seven game deficit they have behind the Spurs for 8th kind of hurts...

Magic at Spurs: The Magic's defense has shut the Spurs down their last three meetings. The 1-for-10 shooting performance by Tim Duncan the last time they played still gives me nightmares.

Knicks at Warriors: You have no idea how much I look forward to these meaningless Nellieball/D'Antoni matchups. Fun fact: over the last nine games, the Warriors have given up 122ppg. Were they involved in a horrific accident that somehow severed all their arms? I can't think of any other reason to play that poorly on defense.

* * *

Nationally Televised Saturday Games:
Bobcats at Bulls: I am way too excited for this game (that I won't even get to see. Thanks, NBATV and blackout rules on League Pass Broadband). The D-Rose stat curse potential is conflicting with the fact that I like the Bulls and want to see them make the playoffs!

All The Other Saturday Games:
Raptors at 76ers: Conversely, I am not at all excited about this game.

Pistons at Hawks: After playing the Crabs, this game will feel like a pickup game against some dudes from the YMCA for the Hawks. Then again, those random guys might be able to beat the Pistons, so nevermind.

Hornets at Nyets: It's impossible for me to think about the Nyets now and not be infuriated by them. But then I calm down when I remember how delightfully insane and rich their Russian owner is, and how much bawful potential he has for years to come.

Heat at Timberwolves: Remember what I said earlier about the Heat having a "favorable schedule?" Case in freaking point.

Thunder at Mavericks: Depending on which Mavs team decides to show up, this could be a good game. Or they could suck like they are prone to doing for extended periods for no obvious reason.

Suns at Bucks: I will probably get home from bowling just in time to see the fourth quarter of this game live. Well, I know what I'll be doing that evening!

Clippers at Nuggets: Meanwhile, I will be actively ignoring this game. I don't care if the Nuggets are fun to watch or not. The Clippers are still who we thought they were, right? (Of course they are!)

Frail Blazers at Kings: If there was an easy way to incorporate a facepalm into the Purple Paupers' logo, I would just photoshop that up and post it here. The Sacramento organization is only slightly more legitimate than this operation:

Scary van(They are, however, thankfully less likely to kidnap and molest children, so that's nice.)

* * *

Nationally Televised Sunday Games:
Crabs at Celtics: The last Crabs loss (as of this Friday writing) came against the ancient Spurs. I don't see that happening again in a game against the prehistoric, creaky-kneed Celtics. (Yep, what a way to start my Easter Sunday...)

Spurs at Lakers: This has the potential to be a preview of a Western Conference first round matchup. You know, except for the part where the Lakers will actually try hard in those games.

All The Other Sunday Games:
Rockets at Pacers: I can't believe I am favoring the Pacers to win this game. I feel sick.

Grizzlies at Magic: So, I just read that "Grizzlies center Marc Gasol and guard Ronnie Brewer will miss the team's final eight games of the season because of injuries." Yeah... .500 isn't looking quite as likely now.

Nyets at Bullets: According to ESPN.com's schedule, this game isn't going to be televised at all. Thank you, regional and national sports networks, for preventing us from witnessing this horrendous event.

Warriors at Raptors: (chanting) "_efense!" *clap clap* "_efense!" *clap clap*

Timberwolves at Thunder: Catching the Timberwolves when they're playing their second game in two nights and they are on the road? That is the best gift you could ever hope to receive.

Knicks at Clippers: The Bricks get two games this weekend, and both will be entertainingly bawful. Oh how I love the NBA.

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Anonymous JustinS said...
Unrelated, but awesome in the way only Jerry Sloan can be:

What's more, a Jazz team that needed depth more than ever wound up trading away a pair of young guards -- Eric Maynor to Oklahoma City and Ronnie Brewer to Memphis -- in the middle of the season strictly for financial reasons.

"What are you gonna do, cry about it?" Sloan asked.

From http://www.nba.com/2010/news/features/fran_blinebury/04/02/sloan/index.html?ls=iref:nbahpt1

Anonymous Czernobog said...
I think I speak for the entire Bawful readership when I say "Ball."

Anonymous Anonymous said...
yeah but that bitch isis taylor is bad, even if she did bang the hedgehog. besides, she's done many other more handsome men...i mean...

Blogger Dan B. said...
JustinS -- That is, indeed, awesome.

Czernobog -- Indeed.

Anonymous -- You don't even need to go so far as calling them "handsome." Just "less hedgehog-like" is well more than enough.

Blogger Unknown said...
dwyane wade is number 7 with no stats....

Anonymous kazam92 said...
Robin - Go look at Nash's numbers

Either Nash is averaging a career high in points and blocks or those are wades numbers

Blogger Unknown said...
Hey hey hey....Boston "Failtics"

Anonymous Geert said...
Woah, it looks like the guy who dunks in that clip tries to fly backwards for a while, as to avoid contact. Impressive.

Speaking of Van Gundy and Ron Jeremy, I watched The Boondock Saints for the first time this week and when Vincenzo Lipazzi, I immediately thought of Van Gundy first. It was only then that I realised it was Jeremy. And so it comes full circle.

Blogger stephanie g said...
I thought the most emasculating dunk of all time was when Vince teabagged a Frenchman. Not that there's anything wrong with that.

While we're on the subject of basketball porn, I'm not the only one who's ever had a ribald curiosity regarding how awkward it must be for a 7 foot tall guy to have sex with a 5 foot tall groupie, right? Anyone? No? Just me? OK, nevermind...

Blogger Barry said...
I'm just praying the Celtics get it together for the play-offs...but let's face it, they have "7 games in the first round and second round loss" written all over them.

NBA All-Star Voting:

Francisco Elson
Quinton Ross
Darnell Jackson
Cedric Jackson
Cuttino Mobley

A team that can lack with the best of 'em.

Blogger Junior said...
lol, it's just me or anyone else never seen a ron jeremy film?

Anonymous Stockton said...
The Lakers were capable of beating the Jazz despite a 21-18 FT disadvantage by Kobe Bryant.

Blogger chris said...
And...the Nyets are leading the Hornets by 12.


Yes, I know there's no chance of them being the worst in history, but still.

CAPTCHA: "trasam," i.e. "My '76 trasam failed a smog check and had to be junked."

Anonymous Czernobog said...
Fun 1st Q between the Mavs and the Thunder, but Beaubois seems to have hurt his leg.

CAPTCHA: "pancher" As in, I'm worried of what I will find if I search "pancher" on Urban Dictionary.

Anonymous Anonymous said...
playoff hopes for the bucks aren't looking to good. Bogut had a nasty fall in the game against phoenix and injured his arm,

gif can be found in this thread (pg3)


Blogger Unknown said...
Who broke Chris Paul?

Blogger LotharBot said...
So with the Clippers up 49-28 on the Nuggets midway through the second, I began to wonder... are the Clippers not who we thought they were? Are the Nuggets really bad enough to lose to the Clips twice this season, including a home game?

Turns out, the Clippers are who we thought they were. A little defensive intensity from the Nuggets, a bit of attacking the paint by Melo, and the Nugs got the 98-90 win.

In other words, the Clippers got outscored 70-41 from approximately midway through the second quarter.

Blogger chris said...
Quinton: Byron Scott. :P

Blogger chris said...
Anonymous: reading the thread now, it looks like it's just a shoulder dislocation, still sounds absolutely painful.


LOLZ: D'Antoni and Knee-Mac don't see eye-to-eye.


Blogger chris said...
From that Andrew Bogut thread:

Bucks beat write Gery Woelful saying on 1250 WSSP Radio that Bogut should be only out for 2 weeks due to a dislocated elbow.

Anonymous Anonymous said...
You need to keep betting against the Spurs. It's really effective.

Anonymous Anonymous said...
@chris thats good to hear, the fall looked horrible

Blogger chris said...
Anonymous: Interestingly, the Journal-Sentinel had an article that claimed he was lost for the season...

...but then the page is no longer in existence. Here's the URL:


HOWEVER, MSNBC claims it to be a "slight" dislocation:


Blogger Jason D said...
Damn, I feel really bad for Bogut and the Bucks. Dude finally gets in a groove and this freak injury happens. It's even worse he's the best Aussie we have in the league!(nightly sports highlights always mention the Bucks here lol).

Hopefully he can be back for the playoffs but after seeing that I can't help but think of what happened to Shaun Livingston.

Anonymous Czernobog said...
LOL, Ron Van Gundy really got into ... Er, I mean he really seemed to enjoy his role as a basketball coach there.


Blogger chris said...
LOL with Garnett and King Crab whining at each other at the end. :D

The head crustacean: 0-9 from 101 Federal Street!!!!

Blogger senormedia said...
Ray Allen - best pure shooter ever?
Man. A great holiday Sunday!

Anonymous Czernobog said...
@Chris: And 14-22 from the aptly named charity stripe.

Anonymous Anonymous said...
i don't get that cuttino mobely reference....he was a good scorer until he had to retire b/c he has the Frank Gathers heart problem....

Blogger chris said...
Kobe on TV just now, interviewed by Jackie MacMullan:

"I wasn't blessed with that big old booty like he [Oscar Robertson] was."

Anonymous Anonymous said...
Excuse the pun, but Manu is going batshit crazy on the Lakers. I love it :D

Anonymous Anonymous said...
anyone see the nba.com headlines today?

celtics blow big lead, fend off celtics

Blogger Unknown said...
Don't know if you guys have covered this yet but a guy at clutchfans pointed this out (*not my analysis*)

I've always looked forward to hunkering down and watching some hoops on Sunday. I like getting a chance to see some teams other than the Rockets, and supporting the NBA on national, broadcast TV.

I've noticed this year, more than I ever remembered, there's been a complete lack of interesting games on ABC. I turn on the TV and its Boston or Cleveland or LA or Orlando. So i looked into it. Out of 15 ABC games its dominated by those 4 teams:
- Out of 30 possible teams playing, 22 are those four teams.
- Boston and LA plays 6 times each
- Orlando and Cleveland play 5 times
- There are only two games that DON'T involve one of the four teams above (SA vs Denver, SA vs Phoenix)

And, its essentially those teams playing each other:
- Out of their 6 games, Boston plays Orlando twice and Cleveland twice
- Out of their 5 games, Orlando plays Boston twice and Cleveland twice
- Out of their 5 games, Cleveland plays Boston twice and Orlando twice

So my questions:
- Does the NBA suffer from a complete lack of storylines?
- Are these the only teams/players the NBA thinks we want to watch? or wants us to watch?
- Is the NBA only as interesting as its top teams/top stars?
- Wouldn't the NBA be in better shape as a whole if it were to showcase more of their teams?

Anonymous Sorbo said...
Thanks for the shout out, Bawful. So busy with Easter, I didn't even get a chance to see the Lack Show embarrass themselves on national TV. I'm hoping it was some clever ploy to let the Spurs move up in the standings so that they can play a young Oklahoma City or an injury-depleted Portland. Then like a Black Mamba, they strike the unsuspecting first round victim. Then again, they probably just played like crap today, because don't care until the playoffs start.

Anonymous Karc said...
The basketball gods were none too pleased with the Lakers performance. For some reason, a 6.9 earthquake occurred just below California about 45 minutes after the game that was felt up and through LA.

Obviously, hope that everyone hit by the earthquake is ok. Still, just saying...

Anonymous Anonymous said...
To attempt to answer quinton...

The NBA has plenty of storylines. This site lists the best (or worst) of them on a daily basis. It's just that no one else cares.

The ratings prove that people want to see Boston and LA and to a lesser extent Cleveland. Ratings tank for everyone else. There's a stat somewhere, don't remember where, but out of the 20 highest rated games on TV since the lockout season, 19 of them involved the Lakers.

The NBA can be a successful star-driven league. It just needs better stars, specially not divas from Cleveland, four-fingered gunslingers from LA, over-mouthy old men from Boston, and tattooed thugs from Denver. There's more to add to the list (like Adam Morrison, NBA champion, or Rasheed Wallace, the walking technical foul that inspired Cleveland to get back into the game), but you get the idea.

Dead on the last question. But the NBA decided to move the show to cable, then complain when no one watches the Finals on the network when it features a team that no one watched. The Arizona freakin' Cardinals drew the second highest telecast in history when they reached the Super Bowl, and they were in the doghouse for years.

Granted, this is the NBA. If it isn't Lakers vs. the Cleveland/Orlando winner, I'd be shocked too.

Anonymous DKH said...
The NBA's national TV program is an absolute joke. Even if you are a fan of one of those four teams, you're only seeing your team a grand total of five or six games out of 82 on broadcast TV. Compare that to the NFL. I could probably reasonably expect to see any team, except the truly terrible, 5 or 6 times out of the 16 game NFL season, and way more for the good teams.

Of course, there are some non-broadcast options, but does the NBA even get 10% of their regular season games televised nationally?

Anonymous Stockton said...
Four teams with a 50-27 record???? At least this for anti-bawfull this season...