Please imagine the following being said in extreme slow motion: "Bbbbbaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaalllllllllllllllllllllllllll."
The San Antonio Spurs: Back-to-back wins over the Craboliers and Celtics fooled people (once again) into frothing at the mouth about how the Spurs were making their late-season push and would therefore be a "dangerous" team in the playoffs.

Then they lost to the New Jersey Nyets...thus shaming themselves and robbing us all of one of the greatest worst seasons in NBA history. I think I speak for everyone who reads this site when I say: Fuck you, San Antonio Spurs.

Now, Spurs apologists will point to the facts that Tony Parker is still out and Manu Ginobili missed the game with back spasms. I, however, point to these facts: 1) Parker and Ginobili are (and, to some extent, have been for the past two seasons) damaged goods; 2) Tim Duncan (6-for-15, 4 turnovers) is quite clearly not a top 10 player anymore (and may not even be a top 15 or 20 player); and 3) the Spurs could not overcome one of the worst teams in league history on a night when said team shot 37 percent from the field, got outrebounded 53-43 and was outscored 40-22 in the paint.

And even as San Antonio's 14-game winning streak against the Nyets ended, relief washed over New Jersey players and fans in an awesome wave. Public address announcer Gary Sussman shouted "We got 10! The Nets win!" and Keyon Dooling said: "You don't thank God, but you don't want to go down as the worst team in the history of the game. Absolutely it's a relief, you don't want to go down in history as the worst team ever."

Added Courtney Lee: "It's a big relief. It's a big relief. Now we can go out and ball and have fun and play."

Leave it to Devin Harris -- who might have started this whole thing by saying "We knew we were going to be a playoff team" back in December of 2008, after which the Nyets have gone 34-104 -- to provide some much-needed perspective: "We don't want to be a part of the worst team in history, so it's exciting to get 10 wins, but it is 10 wins, you know what I mean? It's fun. We haven't won that many games, so we are excited to win. We are continuing to move forward. We're not going to jump through the roof because we won 10 games."

Meanwhile, Spurs coach Gregg Popovich tried to figure out what went wrong for his team. His answer: Everything. Said Pops: "We just didn't have anybody who could score. If you are not scoring, you need to make free throws, which we didn't, or at least you have to take care of the ball, which we didn't. So bad from the free throw line, bad handling the ball and found nobody who could score."

Check this out: Since last Tuesday, the Nyets have a better record than any of of the six teams that came into Monday night's games as a division leader.

And since we've posted so many pictures of various sad / borderline suicidal Nyets players, it seems only fair we also post a few awkward celebration pics.

"High five!"
Oh, why the hell not...get jiggy with it, Brook!
The Los Angeles Lakers: Shall we just go ahead and temporarily rename them to the Los Angeles We Officially Don't Give A Shit Until The Playoffs? Because on most nights, getting 31 points from Kobe Bryant and an Animal Style Double-Double from Pau Gasol (26 points, 22 boards) would be enough to beat a crappy team like the Hornets. But it was not. And Mamba was pissed.

When asked why the Lakers lost, Kobe said: "We just didn't play well."

When asked why he didn't have much to say about that, Bryant replied: "It's for my own good."

It's funny, too, because Mamba sure had plenty to say to the officials during the game. I guess he's selective about when and to whom he bitches.

The Lakers bench: L.A.'s pine riders didn't score a point until there were just under three minutes left in the third quarter. With nine minutes left in the fourth, they were getting outscored 31-5 by the New Orleans reserves. The bench ended up with 12 points and the Lakers kinda-sorta came back from 17 points down in the fourth to make the final score less ugly...but they still sucked.

The Charlotte Bobcats: The 'Cats entered last night's game 27-8 at home and fighting to maintain their playoff seeding, while the Craptors arrived in Charlotte 12-24 on the road and losers of three straight (and 13 of their last). This should have been a no-brainer, right?

Wrong. Of course.

The Craptors shot 51 percent and became the first team in 14 games to score 100 points against the Bobcats. I'd call that a defensive fail.

Stephen Jackson -- who went 5-for-13 and had a game-high 4 turnovers -- was pretty bitter about the loss, saying: "And this isn't even close to what the playoffs are going to be like." Of course, Captain Jack also added: "It's a game we should have won. We're a better team. Things just went their way."

And see, that right there is why I keep insisting this team isn't going to be some kind of scary playoff dark horse. Jax is not only Charlotte's second-best player, he's their emotional leader. And team's that require emotional leadership from Stephen Jackson are destined to fail.

The Bobcats have officially lost the tiebreaker to Toronto. That could come back to haunt them. And, to be honest, I kinda hope it does.

Could his new team's inadequacies drive him back out of retirementfor another failed comeback? Get those fingers crossed, people!
Hedo Turkoglu: The Other Turkish Assassin came off the bench to hit a trio of triples, including the go-ahead three-pointer. He finished with 11 points...which doesn't seem like much for a guy who famously (or, rather, infamously) signed a $53 million contract last summer. Raise your hand if you're shocked. Hey. Yeah, you in the back. If you're not being sarcastic, then you'd better put that hand down before you draw back a stump.

Said Hedo: "If I'm going to start off on the bench, it doesn't matter for mee. Whenever I get a chance, I'm just going to try to do my job and help the team get a W. Also, ball."

Okay, I added the "Also, ball." part. Anyway, I love that attitude, but aren't you wondering why a 53 Million Dollar Man is coming off the bench anyway? I'm glad you asked! In case you hadn't already heard, Turkoglu missed the Craptors' home game against the Nuggets on Friday night with (you guessed it!) flu-like symptoms.

One problem: Turkododo went out clubbing in Toronto that night.

Ball.

Here's the best part. You know how he got caught? Fans saw him out and sent e-mails to team officials and the local media. Busted.

Hedo's response: "It's all good, man. I've been dealing with this shit the whole year. They've been on me on this [going out] the whole year long. If I wasn't out, sick or healthy, they [the fans] would still say something. I don't say anything. Ten games left of the season, all I try {to do is] finish strong."

Ball.

The Denver Nuggets: After Sunday's loss to the Vag Carter-less and therefore J.J. Redick-led Orlando Magic -- Denver's fourth loss in five games -- Carmelo Anthony said: "I don't think that it's cause for concern. It's just that it's happening right now, the last nine or 10 games of the season. But I don't think anybody on our team should be concerned about anything."

Of course not. Move along, move along, nothing to see here.

Last night, the 100 percent worry-free Nuggets fell victim to Dirk Nowitzki's second career triple-double (34 points, 10 rebounds, 10 assists). Dirk was a monster, going 4-for-5 from downtown and 16-for-17 from the free throw line. But considering Denver lost 109-93, there was more going on than Der Blond Bombmeister's big game. Like, say, Carmelo's very small game.

'Melo got the nipple clamps put on him by Shawn Marion. Anthony -- the league's third-leading scorer at 28.9 PPG -- was held to a season-low 10 points on 3-for-16 shooting. And whatever was ailing 'Melo must have rubbed off on Chauncey Billups too, because Mr. Big Shot went 3-for-14 from the field.

Make if five losses in the last six games.

The win put Dallas 1 1/2 games up on the Nuggets for the second-best record in the Western Conference. What's more, Denver also fell out of first place in the Northwest Division. The Jazz now hold a one-game lead over them.

Update! Shawn Marion, unintentionally dirty quote machine: From ESPN's Daily Dime, submitted by Basketbawful reader Vince B.: "You've got to make him play defense, too," Marion said. "Most of the high scorers in this league don't play the other end. When you play the other end, it's that much harder to get off."

Update! Carmelo Anthony versus Shawn Marion: More backand forth chatter from the Daily Dime:

Anthony didn't agree that Marion made a major impact in the Mavs' 109-93 victory over the Denver Nuggets at American Airlines Center. What about Anthony's awful shooting (3-of-16 from the floor) in his 10-point performance? According to Anthony, that was the product of constant double-teams and getting poked in the eye during the first quarter, not Marion's terrific individual defensive performance.

"Not being funny," Anthony said, "but I don't think he did nothing but play his game."

...

Melo's offensive numbers in those losses: 13 points per game on 8-of-35 shooting.

Games like this are what attracted Marion to the Mavs. He wanted to play for high stakes, and he thrives on the challenge of guarding stars, especially Anthony.

"Shoot, that was my All-Star spot," said Marion, a four-time All-Star whose most recent appearance on the NBA's midseason stage came in 2007. "Truth be told, it still should be mine.

"I'm taking nothing away from him. I think he's talented as hell.

"But that's not even what it boils down to. Right now, I'm at the point of my career when I want to win a championship."

I and choking on all the irony and unintentional comedy in those quotes.

The New York Knicks: The final score of their road loss to the Jazz -- 103-98 -- looks pretty respectable. But factor in the following factoids: The Bricks gave up 44 points in the first quarter, scored only 11 points in the fourth and fell to 26-47 in their "Auditioning for LeBron season." Good luck with that, guys.

Al Harrington, quote machine: Regarding New York's defensive strategy against the hot-shooting Jazz: "All we could do was pray and hope that they started missing shots. "Now go ahead and replace "the hot shooting Jazz" with "every team in the NBA, every night."

You know, it just occurred to me, if LeBron does defect to the Bricks this summer, would that be the first time somebody went from playing for an all defense, no offense coach to an all offense, no defense coach?

Eddy Curry: Curry, a well-known iron man around the league -- will apparently miss the rest of the season because of a right calf injury. Curry has played in just seven games this season. A bargain at only $10.5 million!

Here are some more Curry-related lolz from the Boston Herald:

Eddy Curry saw a few teammates stifle their laughter as he explained his latest injury and couldn’t help but chuckle, too.

"I swear," he insisted, "I’m not making this up."

"It was freak, man," Curry said of the injury, which he started to feel just days before he was expected to be back in the lineup March 10 against the Spurs. "Stuff that happens to me, I don’t really understand."

That stuff includes a separate obscure injury to the left calf -- torn plantaris muscle -- which happened on the first day of training camp. Then there was the surgery on his left knee on Jan. 18, which came a month after the last game he appeared in this season. Curry sulked after Mike D'Antoni removed him from the rotation after a Dec. 17 loss in Chicago, where Curry's presence -- for the second straight game -- disrupted the team’s offensive flow.

Curry, however, said he doesn’t think his Knicks career could be over.

"No, not at all," he said. "I still have got to work hard this summer and prove myself next year."

I, for one, cannot wait.

Dorell Wright: If you're a Heat fan, Dorell would like to apologize for becoming the third player this season -- after Portland's Greg Oden (if you can even call him a "player" at this point) and San Antonio's George Hill -- to let his penis escape to the Internet. Rumor has it, David Stern will look into establishing an Internet Penis Committee in an effort to stem the flood of NBA-to-Internet penis escapes. Personally, I've found a zipper is all the protection I need against my penis unintentionally fleeing to the Web. But maybe that's just me.

Lacktion report: From chris, to lacktion.

Spurs-Nyets: Antonio McDyess made five boards in 21:06 but fouled four times and thricely lost the rock for a 7:5 Voskuhl.

Nuggets-Mavs: Anthony Carter bricked once from the Old Red Courthouse and also added a foul and giveaway in 3:14 for a +3 suck differential. For Mark Cuban's tax writeoff, DeShawn Stevenson tossed two pieces of masonry in 2:08 and fouled once for a +3 of his own.

Labels: Fuck you San Antonio Spurs, Worst of the Night