Season's Greetings, Basketbawful readers! Since this may be my last post of the year, I present to you an early Christmas gift, which can be found at the end of the post. I love feeling such high holiday spirits! Let's get things started.
This year's Nike puppet commercials: Die in a fire.
The Memphis Grizzlies and Atlanta Hawks: Z-Bo could only help two of three categories towards 20-10-50, scoring only 10 points to go with 10 rebounds in a 97-110 loss to Atlanta. The pine riders got a chance to shine, notably Othello Hunter with 6 points, and Jason "wait am I the better player than my brother" Collins with a DNP.
The Charlotte Bobcats and Indiana Pacers: 40 free throws on the road weren't enough? Last night's 98-101 loss to Indiana set a record low 70%, which was the percentage of people watching these two teams who contemplated shoving a fork in their eyes.
Boris Diaw: Sir Vag-a-lot puts a smug smile on Suns fans' faces, submitting a 0 rebound performance in 36:02. Afterwards, he finished the entire quart of ice cream. Ugh, lets just ban any discussion on these two teams and move on.
The Toronto Raptors and Orlando Magic: The fist of Chuck Norris nods in acknowledgment (with the assumption knowing it could have done vastly superior) at Dwight Howard, who swatted away 8 Dino bucket attempts. Chris "You Got Served it is" Bosh managed to collect 6 rebounds, a 300% improvement from last night. The Magic won handily, 118-99, and no jump balls needed a redo, as the Raptors roll one step closer to being the worst defensive team in the history of the NBA. And no, I don't want to talk about Hedo's return to Orlando because he sucks and this story is stupidly forced by sports media.
The Philadelphia 76ers and Cleveland Cavaliers: The Sixers and their much awesomer revert logo kept it close with the Cavs, you know, until the end, leading to a 101-108 loss. Not much time for river-dancing in their second night of away back-to-back games (although a certain other type of dancing may appear at the end of the post). Also, apparently being a superstar means you can kick the ball off your foot, and stand on the line for a 3, it's all good.
Chris Henry: Speaking of Ohio, well, it was a valiant attempt to ride the Tiger wave, but alas we really only need one crazy car accident injury via crazy woman domestic dispute story at a time. The Bengals WR didn't get chased down by angrily swung footballs, unfortunately, as it appears he's suffered some serious injuries and is on life support. Somehow, homicide detectives are involved. Confusing holiday downer.
The New Jersey Nets and Utah Jazz: Another day, another loss. If the Nets could have given me one gift, it would be 0-26. But alas, I received coal instead, as the Nyets's stone hands dropped bricks at 43.2%, while allowing the Jazz to shoot 56.3%. And while Deron Williams had more assists (14) than all NJ starters (11), everyone kept ruining their chances at lacktion by gathering minimal positive stats.
The Minnesota Timberwolves and Los Angeles Clippers: Oh Holy bawful, the stars were not brightly shining in Minneapolis, it was a night of a 120-95 smack down by the Clippers. I'll just go ahead and remind everyone that the winning team has a 36.2% club history win record. Insert discussion space here regarding if NJ or the Wolves are worse, and why Kevin Love's numbers deceptively portray him as a good player, when he is in fact, not.
The Milwaukee Bucks and Los Angeles Lakers: The Lakers were kept in check by Ersan Ilyasova of Eskisehir, Turkey, unable to finish the ham in regulation with this .500 team. And to the Bucks, honestly, I'm not fond of the Kobe and all, but guarding him one on one for the winning shot in OT, using the exact same shot he used at the end of the 4th? Like, in a game where Kobe has 7 TOs, and again, used the exact same shot that may as well have worked just minutes prior? Don't let the cranberry sauce hit you in the ass on the way out. Of your own home. What the... see, this is what happens when you try to hard to force a theme in a basketbawful post.
The Detroit Pistons and New Orleans Hornets: The Hornets fell behind in two quarters to the short roster'd Pistons 55-42. Thankfully, things looked like old times with the Paul and West show, as the New Orleans cruised to a 95-87.Also, if anyone can explain to me why Ben Wallace is still playing in the NBA, faster than I can shotgun Mexican beer while gazing into a Steve Nash poster, please do.
The Oklahoma City Thunder and Dallas Mavericks: For their tacky bright orange shoes, called "Creamsicles" (no, really, I did not make this up) that made them look like their Turbo button was stuck. I mean this is how NBA Jam should be played anyways, and this is probably too awesome of a description for how it actually looked... maybe more like ducks with racing stripes. And since I can't really think of anything bad to say about the Mavs, here's a closeup of said shoes:
BOOM SHAKA LAKA
The Houston Rockets and Denver Nuggets: Someone must have sent George Karl a link to 82games, showing Kenyon Martin's numerical impact on defense, as he logged 43:27 MP in this 111-101 victory. In other news, Aaron Brooks is fast and Carmelo is still scoring points faster than Taiwan Apple Daily News can churn out CG Tiger videos. T-Mac played another 7 minutes for a +/- of -10 and a delicious appearance in the lacktion report: a beautiful +3 of suck. Renaldo Balkman: still crappy. I blame the Knicks.
The Washington Wizards Generals and Sacramento Kings: Dare I say it; this sorta close game was actually kinda exciting to watch? Much like the Little League World Series, or a midget boxing match, only with less crying and forged birth certificates. The crowed was definitely into it, undoubtedly motivated by dollar priced liquid courage. The ending sequence included unnecessary offensive rebounds allowed while in zone, airballs and near airballs, getting beat in transition...after an OUT OF BOUNDS, two hilariously easy/bad steals, some confusing fouls, and probably more. I can't even remember which team did what, I was just excited to be a part of it. I've had to re-write this section 4 times, because I was trying to write and watch at the same time.
Paul Westphal: chris, I know you probably couldn't hear it due to your seat location and copious amounts of dollar beer running through your veins, but your coach just told your players, courtesy ESPN WIRED: "All I ask, is you stay aggressive. Offensively, I'd rather have us attack, than doing this and what are we runnin' 'oh let's play smart', forget that. Let's attack, let's play basketball."
(Chris: Well, AnacondaHL...three offensive rebounds in the final minute, only to be nearly choked away by an inbounding foul...only to then return to boisterousness after Agent Zero's dribbling fail with 5 ticks left on the clock...ah, purple paupers vs. Generals. Indeed. Let's play basketball without a conscience, yeah.
And a few other game notes:
- I missed out on the $1 beers (I did get a $1 Sprite and a $1 lemonade) because...it only applied to FOUR beer lines in the entire building, while everyone else charged full price! So guess what, those four beer lines were as long as the list of players more fit than Oliver Miller. - Someone on the front row was actually wearing the jersey of trillionaire Jon Brockman, and it wasn't Brockman himself!!!!! - Speaking of painfully obscure, I saw at least two Kansas City Kings jackets (one which looked faded enough to be authentic to the era) and FOUR different pieces of Kansas City-Omaha Kings attire (all of which looked like replicas). The Association: Where Omaha Happened. Huh?! - Someone actually wore a Gilbert Arenas Washington Bullets jersey to the game. What's next, a Canswer Vancouver Grizzlies shirt??!) - Fabricio Oberto was chained to the bench. Sadface. - Halftime show? Some guy with FOUR Michael Jackson marionettes attached to him. No, I am not kidding. Yes, I have photographic evidence that this really did occur/exist! - The ESPN fan zone outside was giving away free sign blanks to use for the game...so on the suggestion of Dan B. and the encouragement of Mr. Bawful, I Sharpied in "SIGN OSTERTAG" on mine. I got a "Are you SERIOUS!?" from one arena employee, a smile from a walking food vendor, a "Hey! We SHOULD sign Ostertag!" from a regular at SactownRoyalty, and plenty of amusement on seeing people mildly intrigued by the idea - an idea core to this site's celebration of non-ideals. - Pictures up soon for everyone to enjoy/groan/guffaw over. - I will be at the Crabs-Kings game next week so I'm crossing my fingers for an epic non-performance by either Jawad Williams or Darnell "Lacktion" Jackson!)
The Washington Wizards's desperation: ESPN.com is hosting a contest for fan-submitted inbounds plays, with the best chosen to reportedly be used in an actual game. If you have an Insider account, I'd highly recommend the "Agent Zero 30ft Money Shot", as designed by me, since you know this is all they are capable of:
(Author's note: I shit you not, I wrote this section and made this picture well before the game, and it's almost the exact inbounds play they used, twice. By the third time they used Butler and Boykins for the 35ft Double Penetration. I am stunned and giddy how well this turned out.)
The Golden State Warriors and San Antonio Spurs: A classic Duncan game (27/15/4blk) matched an uncharacteristically low TO performance by Monta Ellis (1TO, with 35/6/5), but then again, freaking Vladimir Radmanovic started at center last night. Vlady Rady went 0-8, with 1 point in 24:40. Gregg Pops is 1 win away from 700 wins, and -247 flops away from wishing he was back in Russia as a spy.
Yao Ming: I just need to remind everyone of this, since for some reason Blizzard keeps targeting the NBA with its World of Warcraft commercials. From what I hear from folk who know mandarin, the translations are closely accurate. Yao on playing WoW:
Lacktion report: When Chris witnesses yet another trillion in person, how can he not celebrate the celestial comatose play of the Assocation's hibernators?
Crabs-Sixers: Philadelphia's Rodney Carney got hit with a brick for a +1 suck differential in 5:24.
Jazz-Nyets: Despite one block, New Jersey's Sean Williams took a foul in 1:48 for a 1:0 Madsen-level Voskuhl.
Clippers-Wolves: Steve Novak clearly is in a serious slump, as despite recording no other stats, HE HAD A 100% SHOOTING PERCENTAGE TONIGHT FROM HENNEPIN AVENUE!!!! So Sterling and Dunleavy called on Brian Skinner to lack it up, and he did not disappoint, losing the rock once in 7:25 and adding four fouls for a +5. (This also counted as a 5:0 Voskuhl!)
Lakers-Bucks: Sasha Vujacic apparently is Phil Jackson's choice as this generation's Jud Buechler, this time enriching the defending champs with a 2.55 trillion (2:33). For Milwaukee, Kurt Thomas negated a board in 6:08 with a brick and three fouls, resulting in a 3:1 Voskuhl.
Rockets-Nuggets: Despite a Houston loss, Brian Cook and Jermaine Taylor each took a Star of Invincibility for a 35 second stint as Mario Brothers - with Taylor punching out a +2 via rejection and brick, while Cook amazingly managed to make a three!!!
Generals-Kings: At $1 Beer Night, Jon Brockman had gotten enough non-contributory time in the first half to potentially buy himself 1.1 trillion (1:08) brews! Given that he didn't play at all afterwards, he probably could have survived the massive lines and gotten himself at least one cup of cheer before the end-of-halftime deadline.
Spurs-Warriors: Malik Hairston popped a wheelie on Excite Bike for a 39 second Mario! Meanwhile, Nellieball put Chris Hunter's name on the list again, with a +2 via rejection and brick in 2:34. Vladimir Radmanovic made a free throw and a board to avoid a sucky score as the Warriors' starting center, only to litter his 24:40 stint with 3 fouls, 2 rejections, 2 turnovers, and a stunning 9 bricks (4 from Lake Merritt and 1 from the charity stripe) for a 5:2 Voskuhl.