So it's New Year's Eve. I stayed up way too late last night. Told myself I was going to do a full post today. Yet now I'm feeling exceptionally tired and lazy. So all you get is a few tidbits from the Celtics-Blazers game. (Okay, okay. I'll also mention that the T-Wolves built a 29-point lead against the Mavs...and lost.) The first of which is the mere fact that Boston lost in Portland when the Blazers were without Brandon Roy (strained right hammy). But, okay, get this: The Blazers had six players on the floor during one second-quarter sequence. They didn't notice it. The refs didn't notice it. KG sure noticed it. Didn't matter, though. Portland scored -- which'll happen when you have an extra-man advantage -- and was then assessed a technical foul. But, by rule, the basket they scored counted. Bizarre.


On top of that weirdness, we were treated to more superdickery from Garnett. First, he tried to elbow Travis Outlaw in the head after Outlaw flushed on him...


...then, a few plays later, he elbowed LaMarcus Aldridge. Twice. What the hell, KG?


Hey, don't drink and drive and/or do anything douchy tonight, people!

Labels: Boston Celtics, Portland Trail Blazers, Worst of the Night

I just stumbled onto this awesome video of the late, great Boston Celtics broadcaster Johnny Most absolutely laying waste to the Detroit Pistons. My personal fave: "OH, THE YELLOW, GUTLESS WAY THEY DO THINGS HERE!" Barack Obama's first act as Leader of the Free World should be to pass a law which states that every dictionary in every country on this planet and any other from now until the end of time should have a picture of Most next to the word "homer." And if some foreign dictionary doesn't have the word "homer," it should be added along with a picture of Johnny. Anyway, here's the footage:


Most's hatred wasn't limited to the Pistons. He enjoyed railing on any and every Celtic opponent, particularly the Lakers: He called Kareem Abdul-Jabbar "Kareem Puff," referred to Magic as "Crybaby Johnson" and described Kurt Rambis as "something that had crawled out of a sewer." He also nicknamed Washington Bullets players Rick Mahorn and Jeff Ruland "McFilthy" and "McNasty" and dubbed Isiah Thomas "Little Lord Fauntleroy." Moreover, Most liked to project his feelings onto the Celtic coaches and players (Johnny often claimed that the always-calm K.C. Jones was "furious" over this or that call) while depicting standard fouls as "bloodbaths" or "vicious muggings." And people today complain about Tommy Heinsohn.

Here's some more Johnny. And a little more. And, for the sake of comparison, some Tommy.

Labels: Boston Celtics, homerism, Johnny Most, radio broadcasters, Tommy Heinsohn

It's like a Special Education gym class...
Ricky Davis: The Clippers signed "Get Buckets" as a free agent last July and former Vice President of Basketball Hell Elgin Baylor was totally sort of positive: "We believe he will be a good addition. His versatility and ability to shoot from the outside will spread the floor and help our low post players." Sadly, there's no such thing as a "good addition" when it comes to the Clippers, and "Grits N Gravy" is currently getting paid $2.3 million to sit out with a sore knee. As it stands, Davis has appeared in only 13 games and is averaging 4.3 points on 27 percent shooting. Mind you, Davis is only 29, which means that, in theory, he's in his prime.

But whatever. We all know "Mongoose Quick Rick" sucks. That's not news. What is news is Ricky's five-game suspension for violating terms of the NBA's drug program. Basically, he couldn't stay away from the ganja. (Josh Howard feels your pain, Ricky.) According to NBA.com, "The suspension will begin Tuesday night when the Clippers face Sacramento." So, whew, he'll be eligible to return to the Clippers' lineup as soon as January 8 in San Antonio. Which is great, since they Clips probably couldn't beat the Spurs without him.

Clippers coach Mike Dunleavy's "team statement generator" said: "We've been informed of the league's action concerning Ricky Davis and we will comply with all terms of the NBA's collective bargaining agreement. Beyond this statement, we will have no further comment on this matter." We can only assume that by "Ricky Davis...will comply with all the terms of the NBA's collective bargaining agreement" he actually means that "Ricky will continue to toke up and we just hope he isn't caught again any time soon. But if he is, well, meh. Whatever."

Bonus footage: Here's video of Ricky's infamous "shot at the wrong basket" attempt at a triple double. Watch the whole thing. You'll either be glad you did or hate yourself for it.



He said / He said: As reported here yesterday, Stephen Jackson proclaimed to the world that Baron Davis allegedly wants to return to the Golden State Warriors. (Which would be a classic "out of the frying pan and into the fire" situations, but that's neither here nor there.) Of course, I also noted in my writeup that "Jackson is so nutty that he's as likely to have gotten that information from a sock puppet as the actual B-Diddy." Well, there might be some credence to that sock puppet theory, because Davis now says that he never said what Jackson said he said. Here's the clarification:

"No, I don't want out," he told The Times on Monday at practice. "I don't know what Stephen Jackson got from my conversation. That never came out of my mouth.

"I'm here. I'm here doing the same thing I did at Golden State. The first year I got to Golden State it was rough. It was a tough season. We were figuring each other out, figuring out the system. That transition year is always a tough year."

He did confirm some elements of Jackson's account.

"We talked about how I miss playing with him. When you see people, you miss what you had," Davis said. "Obviously, in no way shape or form am I ready to jump ship.

"That's not why I came here. That's not why I committed to come here. I'm committed here to turn this thing around. I like the talent on this team, I like the promise.

"The team is going to get better. My job is to continue to get better and make this year as positive and productive as we possibly can."

So there you have it. Captain Jack was just being Captain Jack. Please disperse. Nothing to see here. You'll notice, though, that his carefully chosen words were lukewarm at best, and there's nothing whatsoever in his comments to suggest that he's loving it in L.A. So let's just say I'm not convinced that B-Dizzle is going to retire as a Clipper.

Premature Expectations, Part I: The Atlanta Hawks just wrapped up an eight-game homestand in which they went 7-1, which upped their overall record to 20-10. According to the AP game recap, that means the Hawks have reached 20 wins before New Year's Day for the first time since the glorious 1987-88 season, when they went 50-32 and were good enough to lose in the Eastern Conference Semifinals to Larry Bird and the Boston Celtics in dramatic fashion. So now the talk is about Atlanta seeking their first 50-win season since 1997-98*. Said Marvin Williams: "I've never been on a 50-win team. The guys are really looking for it."

Here's the thing: Eight-game home stands are pretty rare. In point of fact, Hawks coach Mike Woodson couldn't remember another homestand that long in his 26 years as an NBA player and coach. Now the Hawks, who are 6-8 on the away from home this season and have lost three of their last four roadies, are entering a January stretch in which they have to play nine games on the road sandwiched between some pretty tough home games (including contests between Houston, Orlando and Phoenix). I'm not saying they can't continue their winning ways. What I am saying is that it's very early, and I've seen teams with a lot of early home games wilt and wither as the season progresses. I just don't think this is a 50-win team. I'm calling mid-40s.

*It astounds me that that '97-98 team won 50 games with a starting lineup of Mookie Blaylock, Steve Smith, Tyrone Corbin, Christian Laettner and Dikembe Mutumbo (and with Alan Henderson being their best player off the bench). Even more amazing is that their 50-32 record was only good for FOURTH in their own division, behind Chicago (62-20), Indiana (58-24) and Charlotte (51-31).

Premature Expectations, Part II: After Carmelo Anthony scored 32 points on 13-for-19 shooting on Sunday night, many people declared that 'Melo was back. But let's face it, folks: He did that against the Knicks, who wouldn't play defense even if you threatened to throw their grandmas into a pit full of cannibal lumberjacks. Mike D'Antoni teams are great for the padding of stats. Think back to when he was coaching Phoenix. It seemed like ever All-Star-caliber player (or even near All-Star-caliber player) had a season-high against that...and his influence is so powerful that's still happening. But I digress...

...so after his "comeback game," Anthony scored 16 points on 4-for-17 shooting and had almost as many turnovers (3) as rebounds (4). And two of his shots were blocked. Said 'Melo: "The shots I made yesterday weren't going it. Just one of those days." Yeah, that'll happen when there's an actual hand in your face and stuff. Look, Carmelo is a fantastic scorer and all, but his elbow issue strikes me as one of those lingering injuries that can hamper a player for most of a season. So don't expect him to be truly "back" any time soon. (Sorry if you drafted him for your fantasy team.)

The New Jersey Nets: Okay. This is past sad and getting into pathetic territory. The Nets dropped yet another home game, this time to the Chicago Bulls, a team that had lost seven straight on the road (and 14 of 17 this season) and hadn't won in New Jersey since 2001 (which totals 13 losses in a row there). The Nets -- 5-12 at the Izod Center, the second-worst home record in the East behind Washington's 4-12 -- have now lost four in a row at home and seven of eight since Devin Harris' "We knew we were going to be a playoff team" proclamation. And they aren't dropping squeakers, either. During this stretch they've lost to the Wizards by 20, the Knicks by 12, the Raptors by 22, the Jazz by 11, the Rockets by 23, the Bobcats by 8 and now the Bulls by 13. You'll notice that four of those teams are sub-.500 (and three of them are VERY sub-.500). And the Bulls were without starters Drew Gooden and Luol Deng. Damn, man.

What does Vince Carter think about the New Jersey's home struggles" Said Vinsanity: "I try not to worry about it." Well, good. I'd hate for it to be weighing on his mind or anything. Nets coach Lawrence Frank said: "Mentally, we have to be more consistent at home. You can't let your guard down and lose your focus simply because you're home. You have to have the same spirit, energy and toughness you have on the road." That's...amazing insight, Larry. Look, can we all just admit that maybe, just maybe, Frank isn't that good of a coach. He couldn't win in the East with Jason Kidd, Vince Carter and Richard Jefferson. He can't get this year's team to win at home. He's now 183-193 since winning his first 13 games as New Jersey's head man. At best, Frank is a shining symbol of mediocrity. I'm just sayin'...it might be time for a new direction.

The Klahma City Thunder: The Suns lost Steve Nash (back spasms) only nine minutes into the game, but, of course, it didn't matter. The Thunder made The Big Geritol look like the Shaq of '93 as the big man went off for 28 points (10-for-12 from the field, 8-for-12 from the line), 12 rebounds, 2 assists and 2 blocked shots. This dropped them to 3-29 on the season.

The Phoenix Suns' Defense: Lost in fervor over Nash's injury and Shaq's turn-back-the-clock performance was the fact that Phoenix allowed the Thunder -- a team that, on average, scores 93.2 PPG on 43.7 percent shooting -- score 102 points on 53 percent shooting. So, you know, I'm glad to see Terry Porter's defensive mindset it taking hold in The Valley.

Shaq: He played great. He's having a very good season (16.9 PPG, 8.8 RPG, 59 percent shooting). Heck, he's even having his second-best season at the line (59.2 percent). He is a vital and important part of what the Suns are doing. However, he should not be the team's focal point on a nightly basis. In fact, he can't be. I mean, they rarely even let him play back-to-backs anymore. But, according to the Big Broken Record, coach Porter needs to call his number, you know, basically on every play.

"I've been telling them all year: 'When they get it to me and let me do what I do, I can still put up those numbers.' Just because I'm 35, sometimes they think that he's old, he can't do it. Guys were looking for me, and I was just doing what I do. I've been doing that my whole career and I think that's how this team should play, especially the way I'm shooting free throws now. It should be an inside-outside game. I've been in the league 15 years and I've been in (the Finals) six times, and that's the way you get there. I think once we do that and develop some consistency and stop turning the ball over, then we'll be all right."

Has there been a season in his career when Shaq HASN'T uttered some version or other of this particular monologue? About the only time I can remember was when he was in Miami and Dwyane Wade was constantly stroking his enormous ego. I guess that's all he really needs: Constant validation. Like my pet octopus.

The Memphis Grizzlies: Any team that loses to McHale's Navy gets a WotN mention. Particularly when they hold the Timberpups to only 8 points in the second quarter. Speaking of which...

The Minnesota Timberwolves: Sure, they won, but they won ugly. Real ugly. After starting 10-for-11 from the field, they missed 19 of their next 22 shots. They converted only one field goal in the second quarter, which -- you guessed it! -- set a new franchise low. Their 8 second-quarter points and 32 first-half points were both season lows. Oh, and they missed all 12 of their threes in the first half and finished a season-worst 1-for-15 from distance. As coach Kevin put it: "We sent basketball back to about 1952 in that second quarter." Yup. The only thing missing was a peach basket.

The Memphis Grizzlies: Did I mention they still lost despite Minny's ineptitude? Figured I should mention it at least twice.

The Houston Rockets: Um...wow? They lost to the Caron Butler-less (and still Gilbert Arena-less) Washington Wizards, a team that entered the game with a 5-23 record. And this happened in Houston. And yes, Yao, T-Mac and Ron-Ron all played. Although not well: The Medium-sized Three shot a combined 16-for-46 and committed 9 turnovers. McGrady, who played so poorly you would have thought it was a first round playoff game, said: "We just thought that we could turn it on in the fourth quarter and win this ballgame against a team that doesn't really show that they are as good a team. It really backfired on us." Well. That just goes to show you can never underestimate the lack of heart of a non-champion.

The Philadelphia 76ers: So much for my theory about the Sixers getting back to their running (and winning) ways with Elton Brand out. They've lost four in a row and have only scored 100 points once in that span. Now, in all fairness, they've been forced to play Boston, Denver and Utah in that stretch. But hey, losing is losing. Bonus stat: Philly was 1-for-9 from threeland.

Reggie Evans: The Nut Burglar got T'd up last night for spanking Kyle Korver. Oh yes he most certainly did.


Look, Reggie, it really would be best if you stayed away from your opponents' man regions. Thanks.

Kevin Fehr, Phil Robinson, Steve Javie: How is it that the three blind mice all missed this four-step travel by Thaddeus Young? HE TOOK FOUR FULL STEPS, GUYS. It wasn't even a close one. I mean, his first step was OUTSIDE the three-point arc. Don't take my word for it...


The Toronto Raptors: Another night, another loss, this time to the (at the time) 9-win Warriors. Of course, the Raptors are a 12-win team. Yikes. What a waste of talent. And Jose Calderon knows it. "We're getting closer, but we've got to start winning, too. We can't be getting closer every day and losing. It's good. We're going to keep working together for sure, but we’ve got to start winning games."

Jermaine O'Neal: He was limited to only nine minutes of lack-tion due to, yes, flu-like symptoms. One way or another, The Drain finds a way to miss PT.

Lacktion report: Chris has chimed in with another report on the night's most meaningless performances:

Nuggets-Hawks: While Denver's Chucky Atkins refused a 2.5 trillion treasure through one assist, the Hawks ran over Enver's lack of D and had enough time to give three players the chance at their own trillions, with one successfully attaining 14-figure wealth. Solomon Jones and Mario "The Mario" West each reached +1 (2:05/foul and 1:53/giveaway respectively) while Acie Law was Atlanta's breadwinner of the evening, notching up a 1.75 trillion.

Magic-Pistons: The Magic cooled off a bit in Auburn Hills, with Marcin Gortat notching key stats in ineffectiveness: In 4:50 of lacktion, he managed +5 via a missed shot, a block against, and three fouls -- averaging more than 1 SD marker per minute!

Suns-Thunder: Steve Nash's 9 minutes playing through pain nearly put him on the lacktion segment -- a +1 that was interrupted by 2 assists before he left the game. However, after a first quarter in which Klahma seemed to be working very hard at getting their O's back, they started to be the "almost" team the rest of the way, running out of steam gradually to the end. Speaking of almosts (and with the Suns playing, the reoccurrence of that word is no surprise), we had two near-sucky performances interrupted by brief productivity: Nash's teammate Robin Lopez negating a foul with a blocked shot in 3:11, and Klahma's Nick Collison getting one assist to cancel out 3 fouls in 4:36.

Grizzlies-Wolves: In the "OJ Mayo Trade Matchup," the inevitable mediocrity of this not-so-hyped battle showed up loud and clear in the box score. Greg Buckner (a familiar name in the lacktion recaps) had a rebound to cancel out two personal fouls in 9:13, but Memphis teammate Marko Jaric decided not to be so altruistic. Jaric channeled his inner Gordon Gekko and acquired for himself a cool 2 trillion! For Kevin McHale's Navy of unwilling conscripts, Brian Cardinal took a foul and bricked three times from downtown for a +4 in 6:04.

Sixers-Jazz: In late-game garbage time, Kareem Rush spent over five minutes working on a +1, only to end his shot at lacktion with a rebound and more productivity for the rest of his ten-minute stint.

Kobe Bryant: Mamba called Luke Walton at 4 a.m. and said in a silky-smooth voice: "Hey Luke, baby. It's me. Stacy. I just wanted to call to say you really suck." Luke repied: "Wha, what?! You know you're not supposed to contact me in any way!" To which Kobe responded: "Naw, dog, it's just. Me. I was kidding." Then Luke said: "Were you kidding about the sucking part too?" And Mamba said: "No."

Labels: Worst of the Night

Sadly, B-Diddy's life hasn't been all roller skatingand boom boxing since he arrived in L.A.
Well. That didn't take long. Tom Ziller reported on NBA Fanhouse that Baron Davis told Stephen Jackson that he wants to come back to the Golden State Warriors. Because, you know, his time in Oakland ended all sunshine and giggles.

According to Captan Jack: "That's all we talked about. I went to his house, spent some time with his mom and his grandmother. He wants to come back. And if he wants to come back, I want him back. I think that would be great for us. Coach loves him. Him and (guard) Monta (Ellis) have good chemistry. If they could work that out, that would be great for the organization."

Forget the fact that it's never, ever going to happen, and that Jackson is so nutty that he's as likely to have gotten that information from a sock puppet as the actual B-Diddy. However, this is -- if it is indeed true -- yet another example of a top-notch player wanting the frick out of Clipperland. Remember back in 1994 when Ron Harper was due to become an unrestriced free agent at the end of the season? He was fined and suspended for stating the obvious truth: "I'm just doing my jail time. In about 65 or 70 more days, my time is up and I'll be out on GB, good behavior."

And those comments were nothing compared to what Lamar Odom had to say at the end of his tenure with the other L.A. team. Here's a sampling:

"I feel like my relationship with the Clippers is over. I don't really feel like they committed to me. If they were, this wouldn't be going on like this. I just feel like this is my time and my place and my chance to get out of there.

"At the end of this year, I pretty much wanted out. I'm tired of not having a place to practice, a place to get better. I think it's just my time to get out of there. I've been trying to express myself as humble as possible, but I just want to get...out of there.

"I know they did the thing with Elton Brand, but that was the obvious. They had to do that. I don't want to go through this again with the perception of Lamar Odom and having to win [Dunleavy] over and try to show him that I'm a good dude.

"I don't see how far we could go. From my understanding, no one wants to hire a disgruntled employee or bring a disgruntled employee back. I would not be happy coming back. I think my career is going to take off with the Heat. I'm running in muddy waters with the Clippers.

"This is about me coming to play for a coach that I should have been playing with a long time ago, since my rookie season. He tried to make the moves to come get me then [in a trade], and now it's time for him to come get me out of the basketball hell."

Asked if he was worried the Clippers would match the Heat's offer simply out of spite, Odom said: "To sign somebody back out of spite is gutless and is sorry. I just want to get as far away from the Clippers as possible."

Of course, that situation was mitigated somewhat by the fact that Odom is as crazy as an athlete's foot sandwich. But he wasn't exactly wrong either. Being on the Clippers really IS basketball hell, one unusually successful season a few years ago notwithstanding. Many players have been a Clipper. But nobody -- and I mean nobody -- ever willingly chooses to remain a Clipper. Let me put it this way. There are exactly five teams in the NBA that don't have a single retired jersey number: The Charlotte Bobcats, the Los Angeles Clippers, the Memphis Grizzlies, the Oklahoma City Thunder and the Toronto Raptors. You'll notice that the other teams are relatively recent expansion teams. The oldest of them, Toronto, is 11 years younger than the Clips (since they've been in L.A. anyway). And considering how many extremely high draft picks they've had over the years, that's astounding. It may take a few years, but eventually everybody wants out of that nuthouse. Which is why it was so strange to read that Jason Williams retired as a Clipper. Of course, he never played a game for them.

Anyway, Davis made his bed. Now, for good or ill, he's gonna have to squirm in it.

Update! Basketbawful reader Drake also pointed out that, in 1985, Bill Walton agreed to buy out part of HIS OWN contract with the Clippers to facilitate a trade to the Celtics. (Can you imagine Antoine Walker doing something like that? Ha!) And Wild Yams said: "You forgot to add what the late, great Malik Sealy said after he finally got away from the Clippers in 1997: 'It's good to be back in the NBA.' The Clippers: They are who we thought they were." Yes they are.

Labels: Baron Davis, Golden State Warriors, Lamar Odom, Los Angeles Clippers, Ron Harper, Stephen Jackson

Author's note: I received many great nominations and contributions over the holidays, but I was taking a few much-needed days off, so I didn't have time to sort through them all. Sorry 'bout that. But I still love you more than anyone else will ever love you. Know that.

The Chicago Bulls: It was a rather painful day-after-Christmas trip to Miami for the Bullies, who scored 77 points (their second-lowest scoring output of the season), shot 37 percent (their third-worst shooting effort of the season), had more turnovers (15) than assists (11) and managed only 13 points in the fourth quarter. It was their 13th loss in 16 road games. Oh, and according to the Yahoo! box score, Aaron Gray (12 points, 11 rebounds) was their top performer. And, uh, you're not going to get very far as a team when Aaron Gray is your top performer. I'm just sayin'.

Derrick Rose: The Great Poohdini scored 10 points on 3-for-14 shooting and finished with 5 turnovers to only 3 assists. Meanwhile, he got outplayed by his former college rival Mario Chalmers (16 points, 6-for-9, 5 rebounds, 6 assists) and current ROY rival Michael Beasley (who scored 8 of his 14 points in the decisive fourth quarter).

Meaningless "controversies": Miami was up 13 with 30.9 seconds left when Heat coach Eric took a 20-second timeout to pull Dwyane wade, Udonis Haslem and Mari Chalmers. And the Bulls were pissed about it. Said Andres Nocioni: "There was nothing good about calling that timeout. I feel it was out of place. That is something only done to disrespect the opponent." Added Bulls coach Vinny Del Negro: "I don't know what they were doing. There's 30 seconds to go in the game. They're up 15 or 13 or whatever. But, whatever, we'll play them again."

Spoelstra, of course, tried to deflect the criticism. "That is a common practice in the NBA. I wanted to get our guys out, just in case something crazy would happen, and it allowed them to get their subs in, too. I don't know why they're all fired up. If they want to make a big deal about it, whatever." Two coaching quotes, two whatevers. So, you know, whatever. (For the record, video showed that the Bulls weren't trying to sub anybody in. Sorry Eric. Why not just admit you wanted your guys to get an ovation? It's okay. Basketball is entertainment and you were entertaining your fans. So what?)

The New York Knicks: The Minnesota Timberwolves got a late Christmas gift from the Knicks, who let the Wolves snap their 13-game losing streak and gave Kevin McHale his first coaching win of the season. In New York. It was the fifth straight defeat for the Knicks, who gave up 120 points and 51 percent shooting (54 from downtown). Minnesota had seven -- yes, seven -- players in double figures. Three of 'Wolves eclipsed the 20-point plateau and another almost did (Randy Foye had 19 points). And Mike D'Antoni made another point guard look like Steve Nash. Only this time, instead of Chris Duhon, it was Sebastian Telfair, who finished with a season-high 20 points and 8 assists for McHale's Navy. When asked what the Wolves did to catch fire, D'Antoni said: "Nothing really. They just stood there and took wide-open shots. We just were really bad defensively."

Kevin McHale, relief machine: Suffice it to say, McFail was pretty relieved to get that first win and break the losing skid. "The guys have been playing hard and we really needed this one. At the end of the game I said, 'Thank God,' and I meant it. Anything worth having in life takes some faith. And when that faith happens, it's a beautiful thing. And they've got to have faith that when they go out and play hard, good things are going to happen for them." Like you getting fired at the end of the season maybe...?

Sebastian Telfair, grammar machine: Regarding the status of his cousin, Stephon Marbury, Telfair said: "We all want our ending stories to be a certain way. I mean, he’s still healthy. I think this is a chapter in his book and hopefully he smartens up and creates his own ending and don't let nobody else create it for him." Yes. We could all use some smartening up, couldn't we, Sebastian?

The New Jersey Nets: The Bobcats got that elusive third road win of the season, and it's not surprising that it happened in New Jersey...where the Nets are now a sad-as-a-drowning-kitten 5-11 at the Izod Center. The Nets also fell a game below .500 with the loss and are now 3-7 since Devin Harris said: "We knew we were going to be a playoff team."

The Indiana Pacers: They lost yet another close game, this time to the Grizzlies after building a 17-point lead. It didn't help matters that Danny Granger -- who had 26 points on 9-for-16 shooting -- missed the final 10 minutes after getting a concussion...from colliding with teammate Jarrett Jack with 10:08 to play. "I tried [to return to the game], but they wouldn't let me come back. I got hit so hard, it was kind of black. I just stayed down. When I got up, I felt dizzy." Isn't that just so Pacery? If I had been asked before this game to vote on which team was most likely to lose their best player to concussion caused by teammates running into each other, it would have been the Pacers fo' sho'. Oh, and the D'Antoni like "efense" might be a problem: The Pacers are now 2-17 when opponents score 100 points or more.

The Detroit Pistons: It took an off-balance runner by Allen Iverson with 0.2 seconds left for the Pistons to notch a home victory against the 3-win Thunder. 'Nuff said.

The Houston Rockets: Their 79-point effort was highlighted by 15-point fourth quarter in which they shot 2-of-14 and didn't hit a field goal in the last eight minutes and 47 seconds. And it it was possible to double-highlight something, this game would have been double-highlighted by the combined 3-for-21 shooting of starting guards Rafer Alson and Tracy McGrady. Said McGrady: "I think we left [our offense] back in Houston."

The New Orleans Hornets: One day after losing to the Magic 88-68, they beat the Rockets 88-79. Ugh. And if you peruse their schedule, you'll notice a lot of similar scores. I kind of hate that this young, running team that should be lighting up the scoreboard is developing that icky "mid-1990's New York Knicks" feel.

The Philadelphia 76ers: They were up by 17 points midway through the third quarter of their game against the Nuggets in Denver...then fell apart down the stretch. They were outscored 37-22 in the fourth quarter. After giving up a go-ahead dunk to Kenyon Martin with 9 seconds left, Andre Iguodala got called for travelling. The Sixers were forced to foul to get the ball back but still would have been within 3 points with 2.9 seconds left -- assuming Chucky Atkins made both free throws, which he did -- but Andre Miller got T'd up and thus gave the Nuggets another free point that put the game out of reach. Miller admitted he was trying to delay Atkins free throws when the technical was called but then added: "I didn't do nothing or say nothing." And I think that double-negative pretty much says it all for you, Andre.

Nuggets coach George Karl provided the best postscript to the game when he said: "The thought that comes to my mind is, bad teams lose games they're supposed to win, and good teams win games they're supposed to lose." And nobody knows more about bad teams losing games they're supposed to win than coach Karl.

The Dallas Mavericks: The Jazz were missing their top three scorers and rebounders -- Carlos Boozer (quad), Paul Millsap (knee) and Mehmet Okur (back) -- and beat the Mavericks anyway, thanks to career-high scoring "outbursts" from Kosta Koufos (18 points, 8-for-11) and Kyrylo Fesenko (8 points, 4-for-5).

Dirk Nowitzki: The Fouling Dutchman got bounced with 9:48 to go after he kinda accidentally-on-purpose flailed one of his chicken wings into Matt Harpring's face after some jostling under the basket. As Fesenko put it: "I get the rebound. I maybe push [Dirk] in the back a little. Then probably Matt pushed him a little. I don't think it was something really brutal. It happens all the time." Here's a nice little breakdown of the action:


Boy, Dirk really seems to hate the Utah Jazz. Anyway, not only was Nowitzki bounced from this game, he also earned a one-game suspension.

Update! Andrei Kirilenko: Okay. In all fairness to Dirk, I should add, in the first half, AK47 dropped like he got shot by an AK47. Which is pretty shameful. Ivan Drago does not approve.


The Sacramento Kings: They fell victim to Jermaine The Drain (36 points, 15-for-19) and dropped their fifth straight game. The Kings are now a Nets-like 5-10 at home. Oh, and they've not lost all 19 games this season in which they've led after three quarters. Seriously.

Jack Armstrong, unintentionally dirty quote machine: From Shayan of Time Intact: "I'm watching the Raptors-Kings match, and Jermaine O'Neal is having a hell of a game. Raptors tv analyst Jack Armstrong, talking about O'Nean's inside presence, says 'look at where he's doing it...DEEP! All those inside shots, talk about goin' to town!' Then within a minute, Raptors coach subs O'Neal to which Armstrong states 'Triano's giving O'Neal a blow.'" You just can't get that kind of stuff on nationally broadcast games. Unless Reggie Miller is announcing.

The Boston Celtics: One day after their Christmas day showdown with the Lakers, they built a 14-point lead against the Warriors before melting down in the second half and eventually losing 98-89. The C's were outscored 35-17 in the fourth quarter and looked like they were playing immediately after their fifth helping of Christmas turkey. (Which Big Baby Davis probably was.) Said Doc Rivers: "I was worried at halftime when I saw we were shooting 56 (percent) and they were shooting 39 and it was a 12-point game. I was completely concerned about it. ...Once they start making shots, it's tough to turn them off, and we couldn't make anything." From 19-0 to 0-2. That's the NBA for you...

Friday lacktion report: From Chris:

Bulls-Heat: Yakhouba Diawara apparently is the Miami human victory cigar, racking +1 (a bricked three) in 4:28 of on-floor lacktivity.

Bobcats-Nets: Charlotte's Sean Singletary fouled twice, turning a near 3 trillion into a +2 in 2:59. Trenton Hassell put up a truly unimpressive performance as a starter for the Nets, only to avoid a massive payday of 19 trillion via one rebound and an assist (as well as one foul); his sleep-inducing stat line no doubt was one of the big factors in the Bobcats pulling out a victory.

Wolves-Knicks: Non-defensive basktball has been the name of the game for those dwelling in Mike 'antoni's Madison Square Garden, as witnessed by Anthony Roberson's +1 in a little over 1:25 - his bricked three attempt helping him to end up with a -3.

Thunder-Pistons: Kwame Brown did avoid an official lacktivity score, though it wasn't for lack of trying - one rebound helped him miss out on a potential 3 trillion fortune, in a game where Klahma almost generated enough offense to beat the Pistons (outscoring Detroit by a point in the final quarter, only to lose by two). Hey, wasn't Kwame a #1 overall pick once? Lacktion statistics and #1 overall picks usually don't mix, but in this very special case, we nearly got to see them combine in one gravity-defying black hole of fail.

Pacers-Grizzlies: Quinton Ross's team may have won, but the Grizzlies' conquest of the Pacers had very little to do with him - a full 11 minutes of lacktion generated +3 through a couple of bricks from downtown, and a personal foul.

Jazz-Mavericks: One night after the Mavs took over late in the 4th against the Blazers, Mark Cuban's personal basketball playset seemed to run out of energy, and two spectacularly bland performances from the bench were not positive factors: DeSagna Diop giving Dallas a 4 and a half trillion, and teammate Shawne Williams bricking a three for +1 in over a minute of lacktion.

Celtics-Warriors: In Boston's two-game holiday skid, the bench has not been particularly effective. Brian Scalabrine avoided a +1 in 4:07 through a rebound, but next to him on the pine, two Mario Brothers developed: 15 seconds each for Patrick O'Bryant and Gabe Pruitt.

Vince Carter, quote machine: After the Nets' 114-103 overtime win in Charlotte, Vinsanity said: "It's kind of an 'us against the world' mentality. Coming into somebody else's building and wanting to get some roadkill...it's good for us. Winning games like this, I don't care who the team is, will help." The Nets are now 10-4 on the road...and 5-11 at home. So methinks it's high time to focus on getting some homekill, Vince.

The Chicago Bulls: The good: They shot 54.4 percent from the field and matched their season-high in scoring with 117 points. The bad: They also allowed season-highs in points (129), field-goal percentage (56), field goals made (49) and assists (33). Said Andres Nocioni: "It's personal, you know? Everybody needs to take the challenge. If we don't play 'D,' we will be out of the playoffs for sure. Today was terrible, terrible defense. We need to stop the ball one-on-one. Then nobody helps or crowds guys or takes a charge. So everybody can drive the basket or get offensive rebounds. It's energy. It's attitude. And that's it." The Bulls were outscored 56-38 in the paint. It's the 10th time this season that Chicago has allowed an opposing team to score 50 points in the painted rectangle.

Larry Hughes: You'll notice you can't spell "team" using any combination of the letters in "Larry Hughes." And with good reason. Hughes was aghast at not starting against the Hawks on Saturday (in place of the injured Luol Deng). Forget the fact that the guy who did start, Thabo Sefolosha, scored 14 points on 6-for-8 shooting to go along with 4 rebounds and 3 assists. That's not the point. Me, me, me is the point for Hughes. And he let people know about it after the game. ""I don't accept it, but I deal with it. I've said what I needed to say (to GM John Paxson and coach Vinny Del Negro]. Hopefully, it gets better moving forward. If it's justified, it's justified. But you can look at whatever you need to look at as far as production. I think it's in my favor. I'm not a spot-minute guy. I don't play well in that situation. If you want me to produce, I have to be out there. I can make a difference at both ends if I play." Yeah, well, thanks for that, Larry.

The Thunder versus the Wizards: From the AP game recap: "The Thunder entered with an NBA-worst 3-27 record, with the Wizards at 4-23. According to the Elias Sports Bureau, there had never been an NBA game matching teams with individually lower winning percentages-.100 for Oklahoma City and .148 for Washington—and each squad having played at least 25 games." So it truly was the worst game ever. NBA action. It's FAN-tastic. As an aside, the Wizards got their fifth win of the season while the Thunder remained stuck on three wins. Said Thunder interim coach Scott Brooks: "It's no fun having three wins, but it's important we stay together and we continue to compete for one another. Not one guy in this locker room is a loser." I beg to disagree on that point, Scott.

Al Jefferson, quote machine: Regarding his team's 118-94 loss to the Magic, Big Al said: "I'm not going to say we lost focus. I just feel like we gave up. I think we felt a little fatigued and we just gave up on it." Telling the media you're team quit. That's Leadership 101, people. Look it up.

The Bucks' shooting: Brrr! It was a winter wasteland in Milwaukee, where the home team shot 30 percent from the field (24-for-79) and only 8 percent from downtown (1-for-12). Andy Bogut was 6-for-15, Michael Redd hit only 2-for-11 and Tyron Lue missed all seven of his shot attempts. It got so bad that Bucks coach Scott Skiles put in a lineup of Malik Allen, Joe Alexander, Tyronn Lue, Dan Gadzuric and Ridnour with 3:40 left in the third quarter...and left most of the starters on the bench the rest of the way. Said Skiles: "Because I'm putting the other guys in doesn't mean I'm giving up on the game. I still intend to win the game. It can be very confusing on certain nights of why certain guys just don't have it, but it does happen in the NBA." It's true. He wasn't giving up on the game. But he WAS sending a message to his starters. Play better or you won't play at all. And you know, that type of “motivation” works SO very well with pro ballers...

The Houston Rockets: For the second straight game, the Jazz were without their top three scorers and rebounders -- Carlos Boozer, Mehmet Okur and Paul Millsap -- and yet it still took two overtimes for the Rockets to prevail. At home. Sure, they were without McGrady and all, but that only meant they probably shot a higher percentage from the field.

The San Antonio Spurs: I'll let the headline from the AP game recap tell the tale for me: "Spurs need 2 overtimes to beat Grizzlies." And the game took place in San Antonio. Oddly, it was the third double-overtime game the Spurs have had this season. They've won them all.

Saturday lacktion report: More from Chris:

Thunder-Wizards: Robert Swift was in a giving mood today, producing a 5 trillion -- not generous enough to give back Klahma's O's in a loss, but enough that Clay Bennett would be rather pleased with this determined acquisition of dubious earnings.

Bulls-Hawks: Joakim Noah and Cedric Simmons became the latest captains of industry, each giving Chicago quite a bit of wealth (Noah with 5.5 trillion and Simmons with 4 trillion). Lindsey Hunter's bricked three gave him a +1 in 5:16, creating a trio of lacktivity for the Windy City. On the other side of the court, THE Mario West avoided his namesake by actually making a field goal in 38 seconds of floor time, while Solomon Jones averted his own Mario through one steal in 50 seconds (negated by a turnover, but still).

Grizzlies-Spurs: Memphis's Greg Buckner earned a +3 in a full 11:54 of lacktion (brick, rejection, foul) -- and in a game decided by 3 points in double-overtime (with Popovich's squad gaining the upper hand), Buckner's on-court mediocrity probably wasn't what the Griz needed to pull off the upset.

Raptors-Blazers: Jake Voskuhl for the dinos had only 18 seconds of lacktion and a +1 (foul) midway through the game - and lo and behold, it would stay that way all night. Just when it seemed he'd be the only one for Toronto mentioned in this here segment, Kris Humphries stepped onto the hardwood in some final-stanza garbage time, contributing a 35 second Mario to the mix.

The New York Knicks: They followed up getting torched by the Timberwolves by getting lit up by the Nuggets: Denver shot 57 percent and scored 117 points. Carmelo Anthony came out of his offensive coma to score 32 points on 13-for-19 shooting...which, obviously, is much easier to do when you're wide open all night. It was only 'Melo's third 30-point game of the season. And, get this, after the game, Mike D'Anonti was talking about -- are you ready for it? -- defense. "We've got to play defense. There's no doubt about it. I know I joke around a lot about it, but the only way we're going to win is to get better at it. I've always felt like we're going to score no matter what. I don't care who's on the floor, we're going to score. So now we've just got to find a way how to stop people." Sounds like a broken record to me. Sounds like a broken record to me. Sounds like a broken record to me...

The Los Angeles Clippers: Facing the Dirk Nowitzki-less Mavs at home...the Clippers lost by 22. They are who we thought they were. Mind you, the Clips were without Zach Randolph (bruised knee), Chris Kaman (left arch) and Ricky Davis (bwahahahaha!). And they want you to know that's what was up. Said Baron Davis: "We need our team to be 100 percent healthy to play at our highest level." Added coach Mike Dunleavy: "This really shows the absence of our low post game, with Chris Kaman and Zach Randolph both out. Many of our shots were forced, and that may have been due to the lack of conditioning from the time off." So it's not anybody's fault. Just so you know.

The Indiana Pacers: If you follow this blog, you've probably noticed an ongoing theme in which the Pacers lead most of the game only to lose it at the end. Well, I hate to shock the hell out of you, but it happened again against Hornets. Indy were up by as many as 12 points early in the third quarter before choking up the lead. Still, Danny Granger (34 points, 12-for-23) tied the game by hitting a couple free throws with 27.8 seconds left. But then David West hit a 17-foot fadeaway jumper with 2.5 seconds to doom the Pacers to yet another come-from-ahead loss.

The Yao Watch: Oh! We might be making a comeback! Czernobog caught what I missed: Dr. Yao had five of his shots blocked by the Jazz! And let's not forget about this block by LeBron that happened while I was "getting a blow":


The Sacramento Kings: Okay. So we know the Celtics were angry about losing two in a row, including that Christmas day loss to the hated Lakers. But they beat the Kings by 45...IN SACRAMENTO. "Ouch" doesn't begin to cover it. More like, "OH GOD! OH GOD! IT HURTS! KILL ME...PLEASE!" The Kings shot 28 percent for the game and hit only 19 field goals. That's the fewest shots made by the Kings in the shot-clock era and the second fewest allowed by the Celtics. The 45-point margin of victory matched the sixth biggest by the Celtics, who also pounded the Knicks by the same margin last season. The last time the C's spanked somebody worse than that was a 153-107 smackdown of the Baltimore Bullets on November 27, 1970. It was Sactown's sixth straight loss and 16th of 18 overall. Said Bobby Jackson: "This is frustrating going through things like this. We can't keep making excuses. That's just it. I'm embarrassed. I hope everybody else is embarrassed, too. That was just ridiculous the way we came out and competed tonight. I wouldn't even say competed. We didn't even show up."

The Golden State Warriors: After their inspired effort against a drained Boston team, the Warriors let the Lakers score 130 points on 51 percent shooting. Way to build on success, Warriors. Said Stehpen Jackson: "Our defense wasn't even close to what we had against Boston and it definitely showed. We didn't approach the game the same way we did the Boston game. We had more intensity, were up for that game and we weren't today." How bad was it? Sun Yue played more than six minutes. Oh yes.

Kobe Bryant: After the game in the Lakers' locker room, Mamba turned away from Lamar Odom to address Luke Walton. Said Mamba, gesturing to Odom. "He doesn't like you." Luke tried to apologize, but Mamba went on: "I don't like you either. You'd better watch yourself. I have the death sentence on 12 systems." Luke replied: "I'll be careful." To which Mamba said "YOU'LL BE DEAD!" and slapped him. Then Luke cried.

Sunday lacktion report: Still more from Chris:

Mavs-Clippers: Dallas's Antoine Wright dominated garbage time lacktion in negative statistics through a +6 (three bricks, one shot blocked, and two personal fouls) in a whole 10:14; for the home team, Steve Novak shows up again with nearly 1.5 trillion.

Celtics-Kings: Now that I'm back in Sactown after Christmas, I got a chance to peruse the local broadcast of what turned out to be some severe bawful. Kenny Thomas accrued a 21 second Mario for the home team. (Donte Greene had a +2 in 1:21 but then got three more minutes of playing time late in the 3rd, making a shot, ultimately ending up with 7.) As the failfest at Arco continued during the 3rd quarter (where Suckrament was outscored 25-14), the commentators on Comcast Sports California had enough:

"You think it can't get any worse...but it's worse"

"We've been doing this for a long time, I don't recall the Kings ever being down 40 at their home floor."

"The Celtics are a good team, but STILL, they shouldn't be up by 40."

Radio guy Gary Gerould and the TV commentators now telling prattle tales about Michael Phelps showing up as the celebrity guest de jour.

Now early in the 4th -- with a full 10 minutes left -- Brian Scalabrine is already in as the world champs celebrate yet another easy victory (which is a huge relief after two straight tough losses). He would end the night having played out the rest of the period, actually racking up 3 rebounds and a steal.

Cameraman now focuses on Phelps not even paying attention to the snoozefest. That's the best thing they can show us? Hell, he's dominating the "images of the game" segment. Wow.

Game over at 108-63, a 45 point loss; the Kings just set a record for futility with only NINETEEN made field goals for the night, with John Salmons' 11 points (only 2 of 9 on field goal attempts) serving as the team lead, nobody else in double digits. Not just that, Suckrament managed a high of a mere 17 points in both the first and second quarter, following that up with not-so-high-powered numbers of 14 and 15 points each in the final half.

Earl Boykins: Basketbawful reader Your Favorite Sun left this in a comment, from the Eurobasket news:

"It wasn't without consequence Christmas game for Virtus Bologna. Earl Boykins (168-G-76, college: E.Michigan) was scoreless in 17' with only a field goal attempted. The pointguard, in the past days, asked to come back home for 4 days to have some Holydays, but the team denied his request. So, his bad performance, was seen like a kind of strike. Boykins - started likewise to the Usa after the game - and Virtus Bologna will part away in the next days. When agents and team staff will find a deal."

Take your pick -- awful because of:

(a) Earl's lackluster performance,

(b) It may have been intentional retaliation for not being allowed to go home for Xmas, or

(c) The Babel Fish translation?

Hey, YFS, you forgot (d) All of the above. And my answer is most definitely "d."

Labels: daily Kobe, fan submissions, Worst of the Weekend

Okay, people. Here's something you can give me that will only cost a few extra clicks with your keyboard-callused fingers: Vote for Basketbawful in the 2008 Sports Blogger of the Year Tournament running over at Busted Coverage. But hurry. The first round ends Friday night at 11 p.m. EST.

Labels: Christmas list, vote for Basketbawful

I found this via Deadspin: A young Chinese girl lost her legs in a car accident and her parents replaced them with...a basketball. And in case you're wondering: I'm being deadly serious here.


Fortunately, she now has prosthetic legs.

Labels: girl with basketball for legs, the saddest thing I've ever seen

Dunleavy's obviously thinking something that rhymes with "row spit."
The Golden State Warriors: Well, Nellie turned the defensive reins over to his assistants...and the Warriors surrendered 113 points despite the fact that Dwight Howard, Hedo Turkoglu and Keith Bogans combined to shoot 7-for-28. It might have been a good idea to get a hand in the face of that Jameer Nelson kid. He went 9-for-9 for his 22 points. Of course, it would have been an even better idea to shoot better than 31 percent from the field as a team. Their 81 points ties the second-lowest output the season, the lowest being a 79-point "effort" at Memphis back on November 3rd. Yeah, yeah, Captain Jack and Bad Porn are still out, but excuses are like belly buttons: Everybody has one and they all have slimy tentacles creeping out. Or is that just me?

Keith Bogans: Uh, yeah. Remember how I mentioned he was part of that 7-for-28 shooting triumverate? Well, his contribution to the cause was an 0-for-7 clunker, including 0-for-5 from distance. And he finished with more blocks against (1) than points (zero) in his 22 minutes. I know somebody who's going to be asking Santa for a jump shot for Christmas...

The lack of respect: ...for Jameer Nelson. He earned Eastern Conference Player of the Week honors and this story credits him for playin on...the Cleveland Cavaliers. I'm not bitter that the guy who wrote that story got paid to do it or anything. Except I totally am. But I'm probably not as upset as Jameer's mom. Many thanks to Miguel for the head's up.

The New Jersey Nets: Let me sum this up for you. They lost by 23 points at home. That means they finished 1-3 in their three-game homestand, and two of those three losses were by 20+ points. They are now 5-10 at home and fell a game below .500 with this latest defeat. Better yet -- or worse yet, depending on your point of view -- is that they're only 2-6 since December 9th. And in case you've forgotton (and I'm sure you have), that's when they were a season-best three games over .500 and Devin Harris said: "We knew we were going to be a playoff team." Stat curse, baby! 'Cause now the Nets are a precarious one game up on the suddenly sorta surging Milwaukee Bucks. I'll be keeping an eye on this.

(Oh, and by the way: New Jersey's defense gave up 114 points on almost 60 percent shooting to the Rockets. Kinda hard to win when your defense is spread wide open like a $100-per-hour "escort." Or so I've heard.)

Anyway, Vinsanity had this to say after the game: "This was a tough one. This was a tough night for us. We definitely needed a win. This was an opportunity for us to see where we are and how far we have come." It sure was. And I guarantee that the conclusion you can draw from it is 100 percent accurate.

Devin Harris and Vince Carter: Speaking of circumstances under which it's hard to win, you can't usually have your two big guns misfore all night (only 7-for-24 between them) and combine for only 20 points. And mind you, they began the night with a combined scoring average of 47.3 PPG, which made them the highest scoring backcourt in the league. Let me put it this way: Keyon Dooling had more assists (5 to 4) and almost as many points (17) as the both of them. As bad signs go, that's a notch above "penis on fire."

The media: The Rockets-Nets game was, for some bizarre reason, billed as a battle of Yao versus Yi. Uh, everyone's aware that Yao's probably the best center in the game right now while Yi's a 10-points-per-game roleplayer, right? Did Yi become an All-Star while I was in the bathroom or something?

The craziness of confidence: Houston's Aaron Brooks tied his career high by scoring 22 points on 8-for-14 shooting, including 4-for-7 from downtown. He accidentally banked in his first three and, despite the fact that it was a garbage shot, that boosted his confidence. Said Brooks: "If I can bank a three, then I know I can make the next one on my own." At first, I wanted to mock the kid, but then I thought about my own experiences in pickup basketball. And sure enough, when I thought about it I realized that hitting garbage shots -- and I've "wished in" a great many of them -- always makes me feel like I'm about to go on a streak. And I'm not the only one. I've seen other guys do the same thing. It's counterintuitive but indeniable: Hitting a lucky shot makes you feel, well, lucky. And half the game is 90 percent mental, you know?

The reactionary media/fans/etc.: I saw this story in the L.A. Times yesterday (via TrueHoop) where Magic Johnson -- apparently mirroring the feelings of experts and fans everywhere -- said the Lakers are kinda sorta in trouble and need to get tougher. Maybe. But seriously, what's the panic? The Forum Blue and Gold are 22-5, which, last time I checked, is pretty damn good. But I guess that's what happens when two other teams (the Celtics and Cavs) are also off to historically awesome starts. So the Lakers are "only" on pace for 69ish wins? That's a problem somehow? You know, much as I enjoy watching Lakers fans squirm, the realist in me feels the need to point out that many teams have won a title despite falling short of the 70-win plateau. Like, all but one of them. Meanwhile, many other teams have shot out to fast starts and faltered in the playoffs (including the 1981-82 Celtics, the last Boston team to win 18 games in a row).

I refuse to believe that the only cause for joy and/or optimism is a team being virtually undefeated by the end of December. (Although, doesn't 22-5 pretty much qualify as "virtually undefeated"?)

The Memphis Grizzlies: They can hardly be faulted for losing to a superior Lakers team. However, the loss was their third straight to finish off a season-long five-game home stand. So that's kind of a bummer. Oddly enough, of those three losses, the Griz stuck closer to the two really good teams (New Orleans and L.A.) than the bad one (Charlotte): Memphis lost by 29 to the Bobcats while finishing within single digits of the Hornets and Lakers.

Kobe Bryant: I don't even have to make one up today. This is from Basketbawful reader Josh: "Just watched the Lakers beat the Grizzlies...I'm embarrassed for Kobe and all his fans. The Lakers were up by 7 points with 5 seconds left when Kobe got a steal and, instead of dribbling out the clock like any NBA player with an ounce of class would do, Mamba sprinted down for a highlight dunk. Which he didn't get off in time, but they gave him points for it anyway. This is something I've come to expect from Kobe...and from the NBA." Agreed. It was pretty classeless to dunk on an opponent when the game is essentially over. Scan it for yourself (at the 2:15 mark).


Basketbawful reader Dan did notice, however, that Kobe had a career-high 23 assists last night. Or so it seems...


The Sacramento Kings: Another night, another double-digit loss for the crownless Kings, who have lost four in a row and 17 of 20 since starting the season 4-5. How toothless are these tigers? Gregg Popovich didn't even bother to coach against them last night. Seriously. Said Pop: "I did nothing to earn my money. They (the players) coached. They communicated. They changed defenses, called plays. I just substituted players." Playing the Kings? Just show up and win. It's easier than growing Sea Monkeys.

Brad Miller: The source of many trade rumors finished with 6 points, 6 rebounds, zero assists, 3 turnovers and 4 fouls. So much for establishing trade value, huh?

Brandon Roy: After going off for a career-high 52 points against the defensless Suns last Thursday, Roy got a double-dose of "hand in the face" against the previously defenseless Nuggets, who held him to 3-for-11 shooting. Roy, who finished with almost as many fouls (5) as points (8), said: "It was a lot of everything. It was getting into foul trouble and, really, it was just their night."

It was also a case of -- and you should be taking notes on this if your name is "Terry Porter" -- putting extra defensive pressure on a primetime scorer. George Karl alternated defenders and doubled Roy every time he touched the ball. Said Karl: "Give him two. Whenever he touches it give him two players." Sometimes it's just that easy. Of course, Karl also noted that: "Foul trouble helped us, too." Added Chauncey Billups: "To be successful against a player like him, it has to be a team effort. Dahntay (Jones) started off great on him, J.R. (Smith) had some good minutes on him, so it was a team effort." You, uh, get all that, Terry?

Greg Oden: The Next Great Center had another one of those "Greg Ostertag: 2.0" games last night: 10 points and only 3 rebounds in 21 foul-plagued minutes. Oden picked up his fourth foul less than two minutes into the second half and sat on his extra-large bum until there was 9:52 left in the fourth. He eventually fouled out with 1:31 to go and the Nuggets up by 6. Said TNGC: "I really couldn't get into a groove. It's hard to get into a groove when you get called for fouls and have to be taken out." Fair enough. But still...3 rebounds in 21 minutes when you're the biggest guy on the court? And only 1 of those boards came off the defensive glass. If the Vanilla Godzilla wasn't such a team-first guy, this would be killing him.

The Los Angeles Clippers: Okay, let's all say this together and really, really loudly: They are who we thought they were. The Clips have now dropped two in a row after winning five out of seven. And last night they lost by 22 at home to the Raptors, otherwise known as "The Sucky Team That Lost To The Thunder A Few Days Ago." Fail. Oh, and Clipper fans nearly suffered a coronary when Zach Randolph, the prime mover of the team's mini-revival, left the game early in the fourth quarter after bruising his left knee in a collision with Jake Voskuhl during a Bosh layup. (See what happens when you play defense??) The good news is that X-rays were negative and he's considered day-to-day. Said Z-Bo: "Hopefully it's just a bone bruise. I'm just going to ice it in the next couple of days." The Clippers don't play again until Sunday, so Randolph probably won't miss any time.

The Davis Watch: ClipperBlog noted that Baron Davis shot 20-for-71 on the team's recent four-game road trip. I did a little extra number crunching to discover that B-Diddy is 51-156 over his last eight games. That's 32 percent "accuracy"...which would be a failing grade in any class that doesn't grade on a curve and even in some that do. We are now keeping an eye on Boom-Dizzle's shooting.

Al Thornton: Dear Al, Chris Bosh would like you to, in the future if you would be so kind, watch where the hell you're sticking your fingers. Thank you.


[The pic was sent in by Shayan of Time Intact.]

Lack-tion report: Basketbawful reader Chris chimed in with another report on last night's un-movers and non-shakers: "Channing Frye (+2, 4:31) and Jerryd Bayless (+4, 3:11) were not positive factors for Portland in their loss to the Nuggets, while Chucky Atkins across the court avoided an 8 trillion through one steal. Also, Mardy Collins earned a +1 for the Clippers in 4 minutes of lacktion."

People who need to get over it already: From Basketbawful reader Dumbgenius: "Bawful, I'm sour graping, but I just have to mention this...I've been hanging out with this gal for a while now and I scammed my way into a date with her the other night. Turns out she's of the "Haven't gotten over my ex yet' variety, which to me is like, whatever. When she told me his name I nearly popped a vein. THOMAS ISAIAH." Sweet Birdmas. You need to find that guy and falcon punch him just on principle.

Labels: fan submissions, Golden State Warriors, Keith Bogans, New Jersey Nets, Worst of the Night

The Los Angeles Clippers: Yeah, they beat the Pacers in Indiana, but they had to go to overtime to do it...and the Pacers were severely shorthanded. Danny Granger, Troy Murphy and Marquis Daniels were in the hospital with viral infections and T.J. Ford was unable to start due to a sore left groin. (Ford did play, however, and finished with 17 points, 5 turnovers and 4 fouls). So sure, they won, but it shouldn't have been that hard. Said Clippers coach Mike Dunleavy: "I'm happy we won. I'm disappointed in a sense because we were playing a team that has a lot of guys out, and it took us until way late in the game where we were competitive and we could really win it."

The Indiana Pacers: They could have won despite the missing bodies, but they committed 26 turnovers that became 29 points for the Clips. Giving your opponent 29 extra points usually leads to bad things. Meanwhile, the "We like to lose the close ones!" Pacers dropped to 0-4 in overtime games this season.

Jeff Foster: Uh, Jeff...what are you...you know what? Never mind.


Pic provided by Shayan of Time Intact.

The Washington Generals Wizards: The Istari fell to 3-10 under interim coach Ed Tapscott by losing at home to the Elton Brand-less 76ers. Washington had a 43-34 rebounding advantage as well as a fourth-quarter lead, but as the AP recap put it: "...no obstacle is too big to overcome when facing a Wizards team that is 4-20 and has its third five-game losing streak of the season." The Wiz were outscored 25-17 in the final period thanks to a steady diet of clunky jumpers. Tapscott didn't turn to Antawn Jamison or Caron Butler down the stretch, and Butler used a little passive-aggressivity to let everybody know he wasn't happy about it. "I'm an observer on the court saying the same thing. I execute the offense that's drawn up in the huddle."

Tapscott, for his part, blamed his team for crumbling under pressure and funking out by shooting from the outside instead of taking it hard to the cup. "When you're under stress, under pressure, you tend to revert to things that you've done before. Now if you have enough pain doing those things it'll alter what you do, and we're going through that pain right now."

So, the players are blaming the coach and the coach is blaming the players. Oh this is going to work out just swell...

Update! Wizards' starting lineup announcer: Kaan from Turkey wrote in to point out this juicy morsel from the AP game recap: "The Wizards starting lineup announcer remains in a slump as bad as the team's. He announced Jamison as being from 'UConn' instead of the University of North Carolina. A few games ago, he had Jamison coming from 'North Carolina University.'" Dude. You have ONE JOB. Get it right.

The Dallas Mavericks and Mark Cuban: The cowboys fell victim to a classic "See what you lost" revenge game. Devin Harris typed in IDDQD and went off for 41 points, 13 assists, and 3 steals as his new team beat his old team 121-97. Here's video of the New Jersey fans chanting "Thank you Cuban!" when Harris was removed with 2:11 remaining.


And here, courtesy of Stephanie G, is a beautiful animated .gif of Mark's reaction:


Of course, in true Mark Cuban fashion, he had to try and get the last word: "I guess when you don't care about your own team you talk about someone on the other team, right? I guess that's what Nets fans are all about. I think the goal of everybody in New Jersey is to be a general manager. So I can understand why they want to share their expertise." Gee, Mark, that's pretty glib for a guy who ditched Steve Nash right before his back-to-back MVP seasons, then used the Nash money to give Erick Dampier a $73 million contract, traded Harris for the rapidly aging Jason Kidd, committed $32 million to DeSagana Diop this summer, etc. I'm just sayin'...

The New York Knicks: This is what happens when a team with an obvious talent deficit runs the D'Antoni "Outscore the other guys" system: Some nights they win, some nights they lose...very, very badly. This was one of the latter cases. At home, against the sub-.500 Bucks, the Knicks shot 38 percent, committed 23 turnovers and got crushed 105-81. New York scored a season-low 15 points in the first quarter and finished the first half with only 37 points. In other words, they wouldn't have outscored the Klahma City Thunder. Said D'Antoni: "I definitely think we weren't ready to play. It is inexcusable to not be ready. I don't care what happens. We haven't obviously grasped that totally." Hey, who's responsibility is it again to get the team ready? Oh yeah...

Al Harrington: Big Al got stuck in traffic on his way to Madison Square Garden...and wasn't available until seven minutes into the first quarter. Said Harrington: "It was crazy. It took me 3-1/2 hours to get here. I was just sitting in the car all that time." Here's a hint, Al. Check the traffic report and leave extra early when the weather is bad. Didn't your mom teach you anything? Thanks to Dr. Hank Pym for the tipoff.

The Chicago Bulls: The Bullies where the latest hunk of flesh to get tossed into the Boston Celtic meat grinder. And while there's no shame in losing, there is some shame in letting a team shoot 60 percent from the field. And, mind you, the C's were shooting around 70 percent before Doc Rivers cleared the bench and allowed garbage time to ensue. Now, granted, Drew Gooden left the game for good after spraining his ankle in the first quarter and Tyrus Thomas did not make the trip after sustaining a concussion against the Clippers on Wednesday. But were the Bulls really a Gooden/Thomas combo away from competing? Ben Gordon seemed to think so. "Playing against a team like this, you need all your guys. Drew's a big part of what we do. We tried to give them a little resistance but we just didn't have enough manpower." Whatever helps you sleep at night, Ben.

The Golden State Warriors: After watching the Hawks ring up 115 points on 52 percent shooting and falling victim to a blitzkrieg by Flip Murry (14 of his 20 points in the fourth quarter), Don Nelson's will finally broke a little: He announced that he's putting assistant coaches Keith Smart and Sidney Moncrief in charge of the team's defense. Said Nellie: "I'm not tough enough anymore. I'm getting soft as I get older and I feel like I haven't done a very good job defensively this year." Nelson named Smart his "defensive coordinator" and Moncrief the "assistant defensive coordinator."

Naturally, Nelson hadn't mentioned any of this to his players. Said Jamal Crawford: "This is the first I've heard of it. I hope it works. We need to get better." Well, that's true.

Daequan Cook and Mario Chalmers: Each of them had a three-pointers waved off in the first half of Miami's win over the Lakers because they stepped out of bounds before shooting. Keep an eye on the sidelines, guys.

Vladimir Radmanovic: He was stunned when he lost his starting spot to Luke Walton -- and he wasn't the only one -- but his less-than-five-minute stint against the Heat sort of showed why: He missed his only shot (a three) and finished with 2 turnovers and zero-for-everything-else. He was so frustrated that he reportedly required a pep talk from Phil Jackson. You know, the guy who recently benched him and once referred to him as a space cadet. You know you're confidence is low when...

The Toronto Raptors: They lost. To the Klahma City Thunder. The Thundercats had lost 8 in a row overall and 11 straight at home. And this was their third win of the season. What more can I say? Nothing, really. So, again courtesy of Stephanie G, here's Raptors Fan Bingo!


Bonus quote from Jose Calderon: "This wasn't our best game. It was one of our worst." Huh. What's Canadian for "Thank you, Captain Obvious"?

Here's a little extra vitriol from Shayan, who covers the Raptors at Time Intact: "Stick in a fork in me, I'm pretty much done. The Raptors lost to the Thunder. The lowly, NBA worst Thunder. OKC was so happy to get a win that Desmond Mason said after the game: "It felt like we won a championship." There was even confetti falling from the rafters. So I guess you could stick them in the WotW too. But you have to put my Raptors in there. This is rock bottom. And downright embarrassing." Fans giving up. It's never pretty.

Marc Gasol: Uh, I don't know if anybody's noticed, but Pau's baby bro lost his starting job to, gulp, Hulko Milicic. But he sure showed whoever's-coaching-the-Grizzlies-these-days by shooting 3-for-10. So, you know, suck it, coach guy!

The Memphis Grizzlies: Well, let's see...they're STARTING Hulko Milicic, they let Boris Diaw score a season-high 26 points, and they lost 113-83 at home to the Charlotte Bobcats. So, uhm, yeah.

The Detroit Pistons: They dropped a double-overtime home game to the still Carlos Boozer-less Utah Jazz. Mehmet Okur got in the night's second-best revenge game by finishing with 26 points and 12 rebounds. (He's now 8-1 against the Pistons since leaving Detroit after the 2004 NBA Finals.) Paul Milsap looked like, well, Carlos Boozer with 24 points and 12 rebounds as Utah pounded Detroit's small ball lineup. Not that Pistons coach Michael Curry was conceding anything after the game. Except the game itself, that is. Said Curry: "I thought we won that battle. Yes, they posted us up a few times, but we were able to get Allen and Rip free. AI had 38 and Rip scored 30, and I'll take that." Uh, yeah, Mike...BUT YOU LOST. I'm just sayin'.

Rasheed Wallace: I guess the Free Darko guys must have stat cursed him with that whole "He plays better after picking up his first technical" thing, because 'Sheed shot 4-for-10 and fouled out after picking up his 10th tech of the season. Dude! It's a contract year! It might be time to zip it, you know?

Mikki Moore: Dear lord! Sactown's backup big man had 5 fouls and zero rebounds in 20 minutes. Zero rebounds...he's seven feet tall! Wow. When he said he inherited basketball skills from his 93-year old grandmother, Lily, he wasn't kidding, was he?

Here are a couple bonus fun facts about Mikki: His real name is Clinton Renard. He got the nickname "Mikki" because he because he loved to eat "Life" cereal as a kid. (Anybody want to tell him it was "Mikey" and not "Mikki"? Yeah, me neither.) His mother's name is Clynta Spear. No, she is not a professional wrestler. Or a porn star. As far as I know.

Carmelo Anthony: A few years ago, people were hailing 'Melo-verus-LeBron as the next Magic-versus-Bird. Turns out it's more like Kent Benson versus Larry Bird. While LeBron (33 points, 10 rebounds, 8 assists) was leading his team to a 105-88 win over the Anthony's nuggets, Carmelo was scoring 13 points on 5-for-14 shooting, committing 5 turnovers and fouling out with five minutes to go. Sorry, 'Melo. You're not a Jedi yet.


Gerald Wallace, bitter machine: His team (the Bobcats) lost at home to the Golden State Warriors due mostly to a 50-point tantrum by Jamal Crawford. It snapped Charlotte's two-game winning streak, and, yeah, Wallace was a little bitter. So, natch, he took a few parting shots at Crawford. "Basically you've got a guy out there with his confidence as high as the sky and he's only playing one end. He's only playing offense, so what can you say?" I can say: Meow! Saucer of milk, table two, please!

The Los Angeles Lakers: They lost back-to-back games against the Heat and Magic. Sure, they had a chance to win both games at the end, but it's still a winless weekend for a team many people consider the best in the league. In other news, the Magic have made it to 21-6 without many people noticing...

The Philadelphia 76ers: The Pacers were without Danny Granger (viral infection), Troy Murphy (ditto), Marquis Daniels (also ditto) and Maceo Baston (lower back strain) and therefore dressed only nine players. Didn't matter. They still beat the Elton Brand-less Sixers in Philly. Said Andrea Iguodala: "It's tough. We're short-handed, too, but it's a game we should have had. It was one of our tougher losses this year and the games you've got to get." Regrets and excuses. That's the 2008-09 Sixers for you.

Tony DiLeo, "Huh"? machine: Regarding the Pacers-Sixers game, Philly's interim coach said: "I think it was a heartfelt game by both teams." Aw! That's so cully-wulligans!

The Minnesota Timberwolves: Their 109-102 home loss to the Rockets was their 12th consecutive defeat. For historical perspective, the last time the 'Wolves dropped 12 in a row was at the end of the 1992-93 season (and not the 1993-94 season as the Associated Press reported). Minny is now 0-7 since Kevin McHale assumed command of the ship. Which be sinking, by the way.

The Yao Watch: Yao "only" had one shot blocked, but he was manhandled all night by Al Jefferson (34 points, 13 rebounds)...despite the fact that Al gives up 8 inches and 55 pounds to Shaquie Chan. In fact, Jefferson posterized Yao twice. Brutally. Here's one of 'em.


Shane Battier, Rick Pitino machine: After beating the Timberwolves, Battier said: "Listen, the Boston Celtics are not giving that lead back. The Lakers are not giving that lead back. And Cleveland is not giving that lead back. Those are the three teams we're chasing right now and if we ever want to get on their level, we need to do what they do." I dunno, but that sure reminds me of Pitino's famous "Larry Bird is not walking through that door..." speech.

The New Jersey Nets: Their loss to the Heat dropped them to 1-2 on the current four-game home stand...and 5-9 at home overall. It's "Home Suck Home" for the Nets this season.

The Sacramento Kings: They had a pretty decent chance to beat the Hornets in New Orleans, but they crowned themselves by turning the ball over 18 times, which led to 25 points for the buzzing bugs. And 8 of those TOs were steals handed off to Chris Paul. Memo to the Kings: You need to be careful with the ball around that guy. Sacto also got outscored in the paint 48-28, and that usually says something about which team was being the aggressor.

The Toronto Raptors: Make it five losses in a row for the 10-14 Raptors. It's their second five-game skid this season. And they're 2-10 in their last 12 games. You can, in part, blame the current loser's streak on...

Chris Bosh: Bosh started out the game 1-for-7 and finished with 17 points on 6-for-14 shooting. He's now 22-for-70 over the last four games. So much for all that early-season "Bosh for MVP" talk. Right now I'm not sure he's even CMVP (Canada's Most Valuable Player.)

The Los Angeles Clippers: Just when you think things are looking up for The Other L.A. Team...you discover that they are, indeed, who we thought they were. The Clips concluded their winless weekend by 34 to the Bucks in Milwaukee. The Team of Sour Destiny shot 34 percent and fell behind 62-32 by halftime. So, you know, if you were waiting for a Clippers Renaissance, you'll have to wait a wee bit longer.

The Utah Jazz: After their 106-98 loss to the Bulls, everybody was talking about their inability to stop Ben Gordon (26 points, 8-for-17) and Derrick Rose (24 points, 10-for-17), but the real story was turnovers. The Jazz committed 20 of 'em, which gave the Bulls an extra 29 points. Kind of a difference maker, wouldn't you say? Said Jerry Sloan: "They just outworked us. Twenty turnovers for 29 points. That pretty much is the difference in the ballgame. We got a little bit 3-point happy shooting the basketball coming down the stretch."

Meanwhile, Carlos "I'm opting out. No matter what, I'm going to get a raise regardless. I am going to opt out, I don't see why I wouldn't." Boozer had a third MRI on a quadriceps tendon injury that had forced him to miss the last 17 games. And Jazz owner Larry Miller, in his weekly radio appearance on KFNZ 1320 AM, said that Boozer's comments were "one of the top 10 stupidest things I've ever heard." And, dear readers, this is a guy who put up with almost 20 years worth of Karl Malone's bipolar behavior...so that's really saying something. Miller also added that: "Carlos knows better," Miller added. "He told [Jazz general manager] Kevin [O'Connor] he just screwed up, but that doesn't fix it, so what do the fans think now?" Well, for starters, they're probably thinking, "So THAT'S why the people in Cleveland hate him so much..."

The Denver Nuggets: Their winless weekend ended less-than-mercifully in Phoenix, where the Suns got 8 straight points from Steve Nash in the final three minutes to seal the deal. Is that popping noise the sound of the Chauncey Billups bubble bursting? (Speaking of which, Mr. Big Shot was 6-for-16 and committed 7 turnovers. But he wasn't the Nuggets' biggest problem...)

Carmelo Anthony: As bad as he looked against Cleveland, he looked even worse against Phoenix...and Grant Hill's bulldog defense. Said Suns coach Terry Porter: "Old man Grant did a heck of a job on that young fellow Melo, really making him work for a lot of things tonight and didn't give him anything easy." No kidding. Anthony finished the night with 10 points on 3-for-13 shooting and had more turnovers (4) than rebounds (1) and assists (2) combined. He also had two of his shots blocked.

The Phoenix Suns defense: Check it: Denver's 101 points were the fewest allowed by Phoenix in 12 games. No, really. Imagine what they'd be giving up if Terry Porter wasn't so committed to defense.


Pic provided by Sturla.

The Detroit Pistons: The Genteel Boys slipped ever closer to the dreaded .500 mark after a loss to the Hawks in which Mike Bibby caught fire like he was shooting around by himself in a high school gym: The Hawks guard was 10-for-13 and 6-for-6 from downtown. And Pistons coach Michael Curry was, you know, quick to blame his players. He noted that Allen Iverson lost Bibby on four of his three-pointers and added: "It was just mental lapses. You can't ball-watch and Allen struggles ball-watching sometimes. Bibby made him pay." He's right, of course, but calling AI out to the press is a good way to lose AI. In other news, Detroit is now 0-6 on Sundays...and 14-5 on Monday through Saturday.

Richard Hamilton: The Phantom of Auburn Hills got the bronze boot with 1:14 remaining when he cussed out an official for not calling a foul on Mike Bibby, who elbowed Rip in the head. Said Hamilton: "I don't deserve to get kicked out of the game for that. There's a lot worse stuff being said out on the floor. I was in the wrong for saying what I said, but not by any means do you get kicked out of the game for that." Only, uh, you DID get kicked out of the game. Which hopefully serves as a lesson to you.

The Boston Celtics: By winning their 18th straight game, the Celtics are flirting with a dangerous (potential) repeat of history. As most media outlets have noted, the 1981-82 Celtics also won 18 consecutive games. What I haven't seen noted is this: That was the season immediately following the first title of the Larry Bird era. And the Celtics, despite the streak and the fact that they finished with the best record in the league, did not repeat thanks to an injury to Tiny Archibald (separated shoulder) in the Eastern Conference Finals. This is, of course, the season immediately following the first title of the Garnett era in Boston. Chi-chi-chi ah-ah-ah...

Glen Davis: Big Baby missed Boston's thrashing of the Knicks due to whiplash and a concussion suffered during a mid-afternoon car crash on the Mass Pike while on his way to the game. Details are scant at the moment, so it might not be his fault. Still, it's just been that kinda season for Baby, you know?

Yi Jianlian's age: He might be 21 instead of 24. Or is it 24 instead of 21? OH. MY. GOD. Does anybody care? Yeah. Yeah, I didn't think so.

The Washington Wizards: They've lost six straight, nine of 10, and 21 of 25. And they tied a 42-year-old franchise record for worst start: The 1966-67 Baltimore Bullets also began the season 4-21. Historic fail.

Ed Tapscott, quote machine: Regarding his team's extreme suckability: "Problems compound themselves. When you've got a bad streak going it's almost like instead of finding the lucky penny, you find the slug." Oooookay.

The Jason Kidd circle-you-know-what: After Kidd led the Mavericks to a win over the hapless Wizards by 6 assists in the final six minutes, everybody in the Dallas locker room was lining up to provide him with some, ahem, oral service. Said Mavs coach Rick Carlisle: "The something that was going on was Jason Kidd. It was beautiful basketball to watch." Added Jason Terry: "The greatest point guard in the world. The best who's ever done it. He can always impact the game even if he doesn't score any points. He had so many assists. In the last four minutes of the game, he totally controlled the game." Wow. He controlled the game against a historically lousy team. I'm impressed. No, really. So impressed I was almost able to overlook the 1 point he scored on 0-for-7 shooting (including 0-for-4 from beyond the arc and 1-for-2 at the line).

Look, I know the Mavericks all want Kidd's ego to recover from that whole "Devin Harris totally destroyed him in his New Jersey homecoming game" and all, but come on.

Mike Brown, identification machine: After his Cavs throttled the Thunder, he waxed romantic on his star player: "LeBron is just LeBron. He has been marvelous this whole trip. He has been marvelous the whole year. He's leading this team the right way, more importantly than scoring. I don't even know what he scored tonight. I thought his composure and his leadership was key throughout the entire game, especially in the second half." Schlurp, schlurp, schlurp. Hey, thanks for letting me know who LeBron is, Mike. He's LeBron! Speaking of which...

LeBron James: The King has graciously informed the world that he would be willing to "consider" signing an extension with his team this summer. "I definitely want to keep an open mind; I will look at everything. [The extension] is a good point. I think me and my group have pretty much made good decisions so far and we'll look at the options and go from there." It certainly took him long enough to let us all know that Cleveland may (or may not be) in the future plans of him and his group. Bet that announcement shriveled the testes of Mike D'Antoni and Donnie Walsh though, huh?

Kobe Bryant: Basketbawful reader Zimmerman wrote in with a little behind-the-scenes info on Mamba's continuing torment of The Son of Walton: "Kobe gave Luke Walton DVDs for Christman...but they were rentals. And there were late fees on them." Worse yet? This was one of them:


Mario Brothers: Mario "The Mario" West (Hawks) had a 48-second Mario against the Warriors (which followed up his four-second Super Mario of four days prior); DeAndre Jordan (Clippers) had a six-second Super Mario against the Pacers; Sean Singletary (Bobcats) had a 28-second Mario against the Warriors; Kosta Koufos and Ronnie Price (Jazz) both had 45-second Marios against the Bulls, making them Mario Brothers; Darnell Jackson, J.J. Hickson and Tarence Kinsey (Cavaliers) all had 38-second Marios against the Thunder, making them Mario Triplets.

Suck Differentialists: Javaris Crittenton (Wizards) +1 against the Sixers; Vladimir Radmanovic (Lakers) +3 against the Heat; Yakhouba Diawara (Heat) +1 against the Lakers; Kris Humphries (Raptors) +3 against the Thunder; Adam Morrison (Bobcats) +3 against the Grizzlies; Jawad Williams (Cavaliers) +1 against the Nuggets; Royal Ivey (Sixers) +3 against the Pacers.

Trillionaires: Darnell Jackson (Cavaliers) had a one trillion against the Nuggets; DeMarcus Nelson (Warriors) had a one trillion against the Bobcats.

Labels: Worst of the Weekend

My name's not Pip and I don't have any "great expectations" per se...but if you'd like to be my mysterious benefactor, then this post is for you. Somebody is selling two courtside tickets to the Celtics-Lakers game on Christmas day for a mere $8,500! That's a pretty small price to pay for my holiday happiness, don't you think? So small, in fact, that you should probably go ahead and throw in air fare, the cost of a reasonably swanky hotel, and some walking around money. Thanks in advance. And no, you cannot have the extra ticket.

Now, I admit, I'm a wee bit skeptical, especially since the item description box says the tickets are for the Rose Bowl. But how can I possibly NOT trust an eBay listing that provides the following rock-solid proof of authenticity:

Oh, well if your boobs say the tickets are real...
The best part of this auction, though, is the seller's pitch: "Sit like Jack [Nicholson]...on the wood!" Wow. I didn't think Jack swung that way...he seemed so homophobic in As Good As It Gets.

Now, don't think I'm not sensitive to the finanacial woes you might be suffering in this lagging economy. So if you can't affort the 10K or so I'll need for the game, you can go ahead and get me this Glen "Big Baby" Davis jersey, which is only $550. It's classified as game worn/used even though he only wore it to a photo shoot. But whatever. At least the seller guarantees that it was the jersey he was wearing when this photo of him eating a basketball was taken.

For Big Baby, even having a picture taken is hungry work.

Labels: Boston Celtics, Christmas list, eBay, Los Angeles Lakers, tickets

The San Antonio Spurs: Basketbawful reader Chris wrote in regarding something that was said about the Spurs on Wednesday night that I noticed as well: "With the Spurs' second loss in as many days, I guess they got stat cursed by the pre-game runup on the ESPN broadcast. I remember hearing this in the game preview as the Celtics-Hawks tilt winded down: 'The Western Conference should've put the Spurs down when they had the chance.' Well, apparently Wednesday AND Thursday night proved that the conference still has quite the chance to leave San Antonio's basketball team well in the dust."

Do they ever. These two games seemed to prove that the Spurs' time as legit contenders has gone the way of the $40-per-hour factory job. And I say "seemed" only because I, like many other people, don't feel entirely comfortable counting San Antonio out. However, that's due more to their championship past than their iffy present. And it's very, very iffy. I've talked about this before, but there simply isn't enough talent after Timmy D, TP and Manu. And what I mean is "scoring talent." Their defense is fine -- currently tied for eighth in defensive efficiency -- because they use a proven system that requires discipline, hard work and concentration moreso than speed and athleticism. Plus Duncan is the unshakeable foundation of that defense, so as long as he's around, it's going to be solid.

But most of the Spurs are like guys showing up to a gun fight with soggy ice cream cones. Sure, Roger Mason is having a career year (12.8 PPG) and George Hill has been better than expected (a evidenced by that hot streak in late November), but come on. They're starting Michael Finley (who's so far over the hill he can't even look over his shoulder and see the hill anymore) and Matt Bonner (who's, you know, Matt Bonner). Bruce Bowen is done. Kurt Thomas is awfully close. Ditto for Jacque Vaughn. And the fabulous Oberto can't even stay on the floor these days (although that's supposedly due to a "sore foot"). Who's going to step up and make a difference in the regular season? The playoffs? Nobody. And it's not like the Spurs have much in the way of trade bait. A package of Bowen, Thomas, Vaughn and Oberto might get them some old tinsel and a bag of reindeer droppings. Maybe.

Now, the popular justification for these two rather ugly losses -- in which San Antonio managed only 83 and 78 points while shooting 38 and 37 percent respectively -- is that they were due to weariness. After all, the Spurs are the oldest team in the league and were faced with a really difficult back-to-back situation against two division leaders. Heck, after last night's game, Gregg Popovich came as close as he ever comes to making an excuse. "Everybody gets tough back to back. The timing wasn't great. Coming in at 3:30 (a.m.) wasn't good. Orlando will have something in its schedule where they'll have a god-awful back-to-back. It evens out in the end."

Fair enough. But reading between the lines, Pop seems to be inferring that we can expect the Magic to drop a couple the next time they're forced to play two toughies in two nights. (And they just might: Orlando’s next back-to-back series is in mid-January, when they face the Lakers and Nuggets on the road on consecutive nights.) And I guess you could say that's been part of the Spurs' championship formula this past decade: Don't sweat the small stuff. Some games are lost before the team plane even lands. All you have to do is make the playoffs and let experience (and Tim Duncan) carry the day. Okay.

But still...

Manu Ginobili and Tony Parker: Because of the sorry state of the supporting cast, at least one of these guys (and/or Timmy) have to be on it every night. Last night, they were not: TP finished with 9 points (3-for-17) and 4 turnovers while Manu was only 4-for-12.


Suns versus Blazers: Well, it was an exciting game with lots of scoring (the final tally was 124-119) and an atomic explosion by Brandon Roy who, like many guards before him, discovered last night how much fun it is to play against the Suns. And, as Basketbawful reader Clifton noted: "STAT CURSE!! Early in the game, before Roy really caught fire, Tim Kempton uttered, 'Y'know, players tend to get reputations in this league, and we heard when he arrived that Jason Richardson didn't play any defense. Well, we haven't seen that tonight. Brandon Roy has had his hands full so far.' Then, of course, the rest of the game happened, and Roy exploded for 52 points (5-7 from three, 14-27 from the field overall, 21 trips to the line with 19 makes)."

There was very little defense played in this one. And I only say "very little" because I blinked a few times and might have missed it. I'm just assuming. In point of fact, it was like Mike D'Antoni was still coaching the Suns. And the Blazers. Phoenix shot 57 percent and Portland hit for almost 52 percent...and they basically won it down the stretch by isolating Roy or Travis Outlaw over and over and over. It was kind of annoying, actually, like losing a game of NBA Live to some dumb kid who knows nothing about basketball but manages to outscore you by using one or two guys. Sure, it was fun to see Roy, who's a real class act, go off for a big-time career high, but I don't see how this makes the Blazers better. Roy and Outlaw both hit some really tough shots while their teammates just kind of stood around and watched. Their offense was actually kind of stagnant. You just couldn't tell because the Suns can't guard anybody.

Speaking of Phoenix, well, I'll let Buck Nasty take this one: "They are who we thought they were. The Suns, when they run, can still score. But the Suns will still get torched when they do. However, the Suns, when they don't run, still can't play a whole lot of D. And when they slow down they can't score well. So I think the obvious choice is to run and gun as best as they can, then work the half-court when forced, because outscoring is better than slowing down, not scoring, then getting outscored by about a million screen and roll plays."

Seriously. As I've said before, if you have to lose, you might as well look good, have fun, and score a lot of points while doing it. But man, I have no idea who or what the Suns are or what they're going to be at the end of the season. It's nothing but confusion and inconsistency. Porter seems to have already given up on his new defensive philosophy. Or the players have. It's hard to say at this point.

The big men: More from Clifton: "Both Blazers big men were dull tonight -- Greg "Lumpy Addams" Oden was in foul trouble throughout and only played 17 minutes, was somewhat of a factor inside, but it was a statistical dead heat with the Vanilla Gorilla, who logged 30 minutes (J-Prizz had less points, including 3 bricks in 4 attempts from the line, but pulled down 3x as many boards). As far as Suns' bigs, Shaq played his newly-created position of point center pretty well, but Lopez was his usual self (7 minutes, one basket, one board, zero defense), and Amundson -- whom the Suns love because he hustles, and because he rides a bicycle -- logged 5 minutes and touched the ball twice (a rebound and a turnover). Note: I just read that article again, and I still love how they try to squeeze as much positive juju out of Amundson as possible. "He's willing to do whatever it takes, including cutting his hair when Jerry Sloan told him to do it if he was going to join the Jazz." Good Lord-- a haircut??! Look out, everyone, he'll do ANYTHING!!"

I would also like to point out that Oden finished the game tied with Rudy Fernandez in rebounding...with 2. Somewhere Wilt Chamberlain is rolling over in his grave. Probably because he's still having sex.

Kobe Bryant: While Luke Walton was taking a shower in the Lakers locker room, Mamba took his clothes and all the towels, and then he started flushing all the toilets so Luke would be scorched by scalding hot water. Luke ended up with first and second degree burns on his torso and man region.

Labels: fan submissions, Orlando Magic, Phoenix Suns, Portland Trail Blazers, San Antonio Spurs, Worst of the Night

The Philadelphia 76ers: As if to add more misfortune to the Sixers' season of woe, Elton Brand suffered a shoulder dislocation after attempting to block a shot by Bucks forward Luc Mbah a Moute Labia mud charm toucher. Brand went up, up, up and then fell down, down, down. Hard. Insult added to injury: He got whistled for the foul. No word as of yet if and how long Brand will be sidelined.

Now, here's a little theory I have. Let's assume Brand misses, say, a month. You just watch. Philly will start fast breaking again -- which was their bread and butter last season -- and go on a little mini-streak in Brand's absence. Seriously.

I'll tell you what: If anything, this incident proves that Zach Randolph is an upgrade (for the Clippers) over Elton Brand in one specific area. He will never, ever suffer a serious injury while trying to play defense. I promise you that.

Pictured: Something Zach Randolphwill never do. Play defense.
Scott Skiles, anger machine: The thing I really appreciated about Skiles when he was coaching in Chicago is that he doesn't mince words. He tells it like he sees it. This is quite a departure from what I hear out of Vinny Del Negro, who talks about his team like he's deathly afraid of offending someone. Walking on eggshells might spare a few egos, but spare the rod, spoil the child, you know?

However, I've noticed that Skiles' disgust is growing with every game his team drops. It's like every loss is a Dixie cup full of rat droppings and bug parts getting poured down his gullet. Here's what he said after his team's latest loss: "We had a bunch of guys who looked like they didn't feel like playing from the opening tip. We were just heavy-legged, slow-footed. We couldn't get up and down the floor and had tremendous trouble guarding them. We got exactly what we deserved. I'm bewildered by my team. I've got a really bad taste in my mouth. It was a very poor all-around effort by us." I can kinda see where he's coming from, considering the team's two biggest investments -- Michael Redd and Andrew Bogut -- combined for 12 points (plus Redd shot 2-for-13 and Bogut had a game-high 4 turnovers). But still, it's awfully early to start alienating your team. Which, as we all know, is a Skiles specialty.

Danny Granger, reality defier: You might not know this since he's a Pacer and all, but Granger signed a five-year extension worth up to $65 million earlier this season. And, despite the big payday, he's gotten better. Much better, actually. Granger's currently averaging career highs in scoring (24.4), assists (3.2), blocks (1.4) and free throw percentage (88.2) while also chipping in 5.3 rebounds per game. Oh, and his PER has jumped from 16.7 to 20.1. Last night, he scored 13 of his game-high 41 points in the final six and a half minutes to lead the Pacers to victory. He also had 11 rebounds and 6 assists, and was 17-for-17 from the foul line. I guess not everybody suffers from the Contract Year Phenomenon.

And sure, he exploded against the Warriors' non-defense, but still...Indy was without starters T.J. Ford (left groin strain) and Troy Murphy (flu-like symptoms!). I mean, come on, the Pacers haven't had a step-it-up type player since Reggie Miller retired.

The Golden State Warriors: Did I mention they gave up 127 points and got pounded on the boards by a Pacers team that was missing two of its best players? Well, they did.

Corey Maggette: I read in the AP game notes that Maggette is still out with that strained right hamstring and that he's played in only 16 of the Warriors' 25 games. This reminded me of an email I recently received from Basketbawful reader Mark L, who claimed to have a new nickname for Mags: "They've started to call him 'Bad Porn' at various Warriors boards. Their justification? 'Sure, there's penetration and scoring, but are you really happy with what you're seeing?'" I loved this one so much that I wanted to lock it in my storage space and keep it from the rest of the world. Then I realized that the rest of the worlds' needs are greater than my own. There's not need to thank me. (But really, there is. So, you know, thank me and stuff.)

Bill Walton, man love quote machine: From Andrei: "Ok, I have a submission for either the 'quote machine' or 'man love' features, possibly both. On the pre-game show for the Celtics-Hawks game I just heard Bill Walton say 'Stuart, I love the little pretty boys' in reference to Chris Paul and Tony Parker. Anyone else pick up on that?" Yes. Gotta love The Walton.

Joe Johnson: Look, on the surface, it might look like there's a lot to criticize about the Celtics-Hawks game. Boston shot 44 percent and Atlanta shot 36 percent. The teams combined for 27 turnovers which is a lot for such a low-possession game. But the mitigating factor is that this was a rivalry game played with MAN-type intensity. In the end, the Celtics won it because, quite simply, they made the plays they had to make down the stretch (especially KG, who was 5-for-5 in the fourth quarter and also had a couple sweet assists to Kendrick Perkins and Rajon Rondo).

But still, the Hawks could have won this game if Joe Cool had played a little better. Johnson was 6-for-16 and only 1-for-7 from downtown, but his biggest boner of the night was blowing the second of two free throws with 2.7 seconds. Hitting it would have tied the game. Missing it, well, pretty much lost the game. He had been 7-for-7 before the clank. Said Johnson: "I had a chance to get us into overtime and missed the second free throw. I made the first one and some of the pressure was off." Some...but apparently not enough. The best/worst part: The Atlanta fans were chanting "M-V-P!" during Johnson's trips to the line. Speaking of of the fans...

Atlanta "fans": I noticed several Lakers jerseys/sweatshirts/whatever in the Atlanta crowd, including one Kareem jersey. What's up with that?

Glen Davis: From Chris: "Another gem from tonight's broadcast: the video from practice where Big Baby slipped on the Phillips Arena floor while in sweatpants and all. I wonder if that's going to be on YouTube any time soon." Not yet, alas. Almost (but not quite) as good as watching Baby fall on his face was hearing Mark Jackson freak out and say "Big Baby, you're better than that!" afterward. Uh, Mark, I don't know which Glen Davis YOU'VE been watching this season...

Ray Allen, unintentionally dirty quote machine: From Michael W: "Not sure if this qualifies as unintentionally dirty quote machine, but Ray Allen is credited with this little gem after the BOS-ATL match (via ESPN match report): 'Sometimes it seems as though it's a burden. That monkey grows. It's a good monkey though.' Better than a bad monkey, Ray. Or a monkey with a knife. Plus he shot 1-of-8 from downtown which surely qualifies for a Worstie." Yeah. He missed a lot of threes. But they were good misses.

Marvin Williams: Basketbawful reader Aram sent in this picture of M-Will giving Paul Pierce "The Bad Touch." Only Paul's face says that was "The Really Bad Touch."

Huh. I guess Williams CAN handle the Truth...

The Toronto Raptors: Check out this smackdown from the AP game recap: "Down by 12 points after one quarter, the Dallas Mavericks knew better than to panic. Instead, they waited for the struggling Toronto Raptors to crack. It didn’t take long." Added Jason Terry: "We knew they blew a big lead the other night, so we didn't get down (after the first). We just said 'Keep grinding. If we can put some doubt in their mind they may fold,' and that's what we were able to do in the second and third quarter." And a little more from Devean George: "The whole team looked frustrated, some doubt started to come into their mind. They started off smoking, but it's a 48 minute game. When you see guys going, 'Not again,' that kind of feeds into the other team. We all kind of sensed that. They were really frustrated when things weren’t going right and we started making a run."

Okay, when opposing teams and even the Associated Press know they can count on you to collapse...that's bad. The dinos have now lost three straight and are 2-6 since Jay Triano replaced Sam Mitchell.

Chris Bosh: Did he struggle? Yeah, I guess you could call scoring only 12 points on 6-for-20 shooting "struggling." He also went 0-for-5 in the third quarter, which included a missed dunk. It was a performance, both individually and as a team that was well worth booing, but Bosh wasn't happy when that exact thing happened...

The Toronto crowd: Look, we all understand why you guys are happy. You live in Canada and your team sucks more than expected. But they can't rally if you don't support them. What the Raptors need now is love, sweet love, it's the only thing that there's just too little of. Just ask Chris Bosh: "If I want to get booed, I'll go on the road. It's really tense right now. When you're down three points at home and you're getting booed, that's kind of disheartening. Whether the crowd knows it or not, they play a big part in the game." Again, I understand the reasons behind the booing, but you know, he has a point.

The Utah Jazz's first quarter: Gak, what a bad start by the Jazz. They shot 3-for-19 (16 percent) -- which included streaks of six and later eight misses in a row -- and had 7 turnovers. And it took a Morris Almond jumper with 2.8 seconds left to avoid matching the worst quarter in franchise history. (Utah scored five points in the second quarter against the Lakers on December 1, 1981.) After that misguided mess of basketball, the Jazz found themselves down 27-7. Fortunately, they were facing...

The New Jersey Nets: Yes, my friends, they are who we thought they were. The Nets choked up a 22-point lead and ended up losing by 11 (and dropped to 4-8 at home in the process). It was the largest lead they've wasted since January 29, 2001 when they surrendered a 23-point lead to a 23-win Vancouver Grizzlies team. The Nets let the Jazz score 72 points on 64 percent shooting in the second half while getting outrebounded 53-36. Fail.

The Washington Wizards: Here are the facts. Do with them what you will. The Wiz scored 74 points on 33 percent shooting. They missed nine free throws and had only 13 assists (and 12 turnovers). They fell to 4-19, which makes them only two games better than the Klahma City Thunder. And Mike James is now their starting point guard. Yes, they suck. They suck bad. Speaking of James...

Mike James, quote machine: "I keep saying I'm grateful this is the Eastern Conference. You can be 10 games under .500 and still be playing for the eighth (playoff) spot." Uh, yeah, Mike...only you guys are 15 games under .500 and a full SEVEN games out of eighth place. But don't let little things like math and reality stand in the way of your delusions of mediocrity.

Rasheed Wallace: It has been said that 'Sheed plays better after getting T'd up. Well, he earned a tech last night and yet finished with 2 points on 1-for-8 shooting (including 0-for-4 from distance) and only 4 rebounds. So, you know, maybe what's known isn't what's known.

The Minnesota Timberwolves: Not that anybody expected them to beat the Cavs, but they still lost by 23 points at home. It was their 11th straight defeat and sixth in a row since Kevin McHale took over the coaching reigns. But since McHale thinks that bloggers are costing coaches their jobs, I'm not going to say anything.

Rashad McCants: The line: 0-for-8, 2 points, 3 fouls. He doesn't even deserve a one-liner. Meh, to you, Rashad. Meh, I say!

Eric Gordon: He earned "True Clipper" status last night by fouling Ben Gordon on a three-point attempt when his team was leading by 4 points with 20 seconds left. Ben hit the shot and the ensuing free throw to tie things up. The game went into overtime and the Clippers, naturally, lost. Gordon, who also committed a critical turnover in overtime, was not available for comment after the game.

By the way, after the loss, Timothy P sent me the following email: "Just wanted to say thanks for the curse...'By the way, has anybody noticed that Zach Randolph is fitting in really well with the Clippers? In point of fact, he's playing a lot better than post-surgery Elton Brand. And the Clips have won three in a row. Who knows? It could turn out that Brand leaving was a good thing for the other L.A. team.' You managed to write this the same day Brand did a flying pirouette over somebody's shoulder, landed upside down, and dislocated his own shoulder. But who knows? It could turn out that Brand getting hurt is a good thing for the Sixers."

Yeah. Sorry 'bout that Clippers fan. I know what it looks like, but I really wasn't going for the stat curse just 'cause I live in Chicago and support the Bulls and knew the Clips were coming into town last night. Really I wasn't...

Andres Nocioni: Noc forced a big turnover in overtime when he flopped to the floor while defending Zach Randolph. And the NBA said they were going to stop the flop! Z-Bo was pretty angry, both at the time and after the game. And so was Marcus Camby: "It's frustrating because everybody in the league, everybody in the building knows what he does. He flops, but he got the benefited of the call tonight so we just have to take this one on the chin and we have try to regroup and we have two more games on this road trip." No bitterness there. None at all.

Spurs versus Hornets: Chris Paul set an NBA record for getting a steal in his 106th straight regular-season game while Tim Duncan passed the 10,000 career rebound mark. So, yeah, history was made, but that did not make this a game worth watching. Ugly. I walked away to do some things and came back early in the second quarter...and it was 15-14. The Spurs also scored only 13 in the fourth. Painful. Like a giant cyst on your back that's about to burst. And then you realize it's filled with crawling insects.

Also, an anonymous commenter asked me to mention the following two bonus pooper scoopers: "Hey Bawful, in the next WotN can you mention the stat curse the commentators put on Matt Bonner. They were talking about his league leading three-point percentage only to have him go 1-8 from downtown and 3-15 altogether. Although in hindsight it is Matt Bonner, so it probably wasnt a stat curse just matt being normal. And also the random Hornets employee who wouldn't let the fans manning the CP3 steal count put it upto 106. He was standing there telling them not to do it. even while the fans were cheering CP3 and there was an announcement about him getting the record." Consider it mentioned, Mr. Anonymous. Also, d'you suppose that having Bonner attempt eight threes was really part of Pop's game plan? I tend to think not so much.

Manu Ginobili: Basketbawful reader Garron noted: "Great game. But, down by 4 with 30 seconds left he lost miserably on a jump ball against '6-foot on a very good day' Chris Paul." True dat. The only change I would make is "6-foot while standing on a couple decks of cards and maybe a small block of wood."

Evil Ted Addendum (spurs/hornets): At one point late in this game, Tyson Chandler was called for goaltending. It was a legit and fairly obvious call, so nothing horrible there...but Jeff Van Gundy proceeds with a mini-rant that sounds something like "I don't know how any human being could possibly detect goaltending...they should have balls that light up when they start on their downward arc...I seriously have no idea how a human could possibly call a goaltend..." I found it very disturbing to hear a commentator AND former coach say something so dumb about one of the most straightforward aspects of the game - ball going down, no touchie. Maybe Gundy just enjoys the sound of his own voice?

The Laction report: Basketbawful reader Chris was kind (or perhaps obsessed) enough to compile all the trillionaires, suck differentialists and Mario brothers of the night:

Even with ESPN cameras on for two games, it couldn't stop some of the best practitioners of lactivity from shining brightly (or is that "fading dimly" in this context), even in one of those two national games! And, being doubly inspired tonight, I decided to do a salary comparison between their on-court non-performance and their actual earnings, to see how much randomly standing on the floor, or negatively contributing to the team, can be worth.

(BTW, I still haven't decided what term is best for a suck differentialist -- a "vacuum" or a "lollipop", I think a "vacuum" has to especially suck, say have a double digit SD or more than 10 minutes of playing time with a SD, while a lollipop has a single digit SD in less than 10 minutes of playing time.)

Shawne Williams of the Mavs ($1,572,960 this year/$19,182.44 a game) was one field goal away from a +4 in a full 10 minute lacktion session -- about $5000 for each SD marker he accrued; on the other side of the court, Kris Humphries ($3,200,000 this year/$39,024.39 a game) was a +1 in 1:53 of playing time for the Raptors, his missed field goal squandering away a revenue-generating opportunity. Guess you can't trust Humphries with your 401(k).

The Wizards' JaVale Mcgee was a steal away from a +1 in 2:31 of lacktion - is that a "Non-Trillion Almost As Valuable As Others?" It did help contribute to a 14 point loss, though it did not make him wealthy. (In real dollars though, he makes $1,392,240 this year, which is $16,978.54 a game.)

CJ Miles for Utah, in trying to become a true lollipop, was a +4 in a whopping 6:28 of playing time -- as a starter! -- and while +/- is not considered for SD numbers, he was -12, truly making him a Minus Man. (6 players for the Jazz -- FOUR from the bench had double digit positive +/- numbers tonight.) I guess his sweet, sweet negative lacktivity was overshadowed by his team's depth. This year's salary for him is $3,700,000 or $45,121.95 a game -- so he earned a sugary $11,280.49 for every SD marker he racked up!

Cleveland steamrolled McHale's Navy of Conscripts (appropriate given Telfair's arsenal shenangians), having enough garbage time to bring out Darnell Jackson as the biggest lollipop of the night, with 6:53 of lacktion punctuated by a SD of +7! That's a ratio of over one bad play a minute! However, he cannot be blamed for the usual cries of "LeBron lacks a supporting cast" that inevitably lead to "LeBron to Somewhere Else in 2010, Says The Media Hype Train" - he is making a mere $450K this year, only $5487.80 a game - so his cap hit per SD point is $783.96, a real bargain in the league nowadays and an easily afforadble option for those looking for a waste disposal expert. Speaking of the conscripts from Minneapolis, Kevin Love scored a grand total of 0 points on 4 shots.

In typical fashion, Donald Sterling's squad serves as a breeding ground of nothingness, with Steve Novak providing a 30 second Mario (at $797,581 this season/$9726.60 a game, he has clearly found the secret to getting rich fast), while Clippers teammate Brian Skinner - 22nd overall pick by this team in 1998 -- chose to walk away from the treasure chest and stock options by blocking one shot, thus avoiding a +1 in three minutes of lacktion. (Skinner's sole blocked shot was probably his best effort in trying to show Mr. Sterling that the contract year phenomenon applies to him, as he makes $1,262,275 this year, or $15,393.60 a game. Wanna bet that's enough for Sterling and Dunleavy to give this guy another blank check?) Oh, and the Clips only successfully made one shot in OT, unsurprisingly losing.

While the big talk in the Crescent City was CP3's 106th consecutive game with a steal, he was not assisted by fellow Hornet Sean Marks, who chose to forego a possible payday of 9 trillion in favor of taking the role of team lollipop, with a +5 through three missed shots and 2 personal fouls. (Marks, clearly bad enough to not be assisted by the contract year phenomenon, is making $1,141,838 in the last year of his deal -- $13,924.85 a game, or more specifically, $2784.97 per SD point!) On the other bench, Fabricio Oberto gave the Spurs a 40 second Mario, at the price of $3,500,000 this year/$42,682.93 a game - one of THE most expensive Marios in memory.

Man, I am still in awe at earning $42,682.93 to just stand there for 40 seconds and then get back on the bench. No wonder he doesn't mind being "used in any role" as this article states.

It's amazing how this somewhat sabermetric analysis of lacktion can be really revealing -- and make you wonder how so many GMs in this league do not understand the stupidity of spending $42K a game, or $11K a SD point, to have someone take up roster space.

And did anyone else catch Stuart Scott in the midst of the ESPN broadcast describing the upcoming Spurs game as "redicufied," a completely new and meaningless word that seems straight out of the Lovetron Language Primer?

Kobe Bryant: While in the bathroom of the Lakers' locker room, Mamba asked Luke Walton where the nearest bathroom was. When Luke gave him a puzzled look in response, Kobe said: "I'm not looking for a toilet, you moron, I'm looking for a bathroom. Haven't you ever taken a bath? Apparently not. No wonder it smells like crap in here." And Luke began to cry.

Labels: Andres Nocioni, Atlanta Hawks, Boston Celtics, Joe Johnson, New Orleans Hornets, Philadelphia 76ers, San Antonio Spurs, scott skiles, Washington Wizards, Worst of the Night

I might have found the most 'bawful NBA-related Christmas gift of all. A site called HumorousT-shirts, which specializes in "funny t-shirts with jokes, quotes and slogans," provides a category called Basketball Quotes. For a mere $16.99 (plus S&H), you can have one of their pre-selected quotes emblazoned on a cheap white or gray t-shirt. (Note that the gray t-shirt costs an extra $3 for some reason. Possibly because it deflects cosmic rays.)

Warning: Actual t-shirt will not look this cool.
Here's how HumorousT-shirts.com describes this very special offering:

"Basketball quotes on t-shirts will make your obnoxiously tall friends burst out in laughter. The basketball quotes on these tees are from the most famous names in the game. So, show a little respect and buy a few funny t-shirts with famous basketball quotes on them and then show yourself off to the whole gang."

You know, I've been looking for something that would bring some LOLs into the life of my obnoxiously tall friends. All none of them. Oh, and those "most famous names in the game" include such basketball immortals as Nik Posa ("A tough day at the office is even tougher when your OFFICE contains spectator seating."), Dan Frisby ("Basketball is like photography, if you don't focus, all you have is the negative."), Shannon Fish ("If you are going to take it to the bank, then you better cash it in.") and the mysterious Author Unknown ("My responsibility is getting all my players playing for the name on the front of the jersey, not the one on the back."

For me, though, the real hook was the quote at the bottom of the page, under the heading "Hear what the athletes are saying about our t-shirt with basketball quotes."

"Yo, dude, these represent the finest basketball quotes from the biggest names in the history of the game. Do some respecting and buy some t-shirts with these great basketball quotes on them. Don't be a fool and act real cool, when you're not. Only these funny basketball quotes on these t-shirts will make you halfway cool. The other half you have to do on your own." - Larry Bird

Uh huh. If Larry Bird really said that, I'll use my 1986 World Champion Boston Celtics replica banner as a table cloth. Oops. I do that already. Never mind.

Labels: cheap products, Christmas list, quotes, t-shirts

Today's nutshot pic was brought to you by Basketbawful reader Mladen.

Derrick Rose: The rook was turrible both on offense (6 points, 3-for-16) and defense, where fellow rookie D.J. Augustine ate his lunch (29 points, 13-for-13 from the line). The great Poohdini also had six of his shots blocked. Despite that, the Bulls still would have won if not for...

Home cookin': The Bulls were leading by three points with 19 seconds left when Rose "fouled" D.J. Augustine on a three-point attempt. Only, you know, there was less contact on the play than most people make with a homeless person when they drop change into their Styrofoam cup.

Said Rose: "I must have blinked too hard. I didn't even jump. I put my hand up and that's what they called. You cannot call that, especially not at the end of a game. But it is what it is. We lost. He (referee Ely Roe) said I hit him on the arm. It must have been in motion or something." When asked if he'd ever been that upset in a game in his life, Rose replied: "No. Never. Not at all." He then added: "It really got to me. I felt, 'I can't believe it.' I was in awe. I didn't believe you can make a call like that. I guess he did."

Augustine, who flopped like a fish while shooting in order to draw the foul, was asked where Rose hit him. His response: "My elbow. My hand. That's why it was short. The ref called a good call, so I shot the free throws." Uh huh.

Meanwhile, Bulls coach Vinny Del Negro had to choose his words carefully, since Big Brother Stern is a Dark Lord who's ever watchful: ""I didn't think Derrick...we watched the film. I thought Derrick was right on him. I didn't think he hit him. Augustine's legs came out to get the contact. We can't worry about it. We can't put ourselves in that position. No question it was a tough call against us. You move on."

Raja Bell: From Mark L: "He got ejected a little less than 8 minutes into the first quarter against the Bulls, after fouling Ben Gordon. Apparently he used a few too many four-letter words while complaining. I don't blame him for wanting to leave though. The Bobcats were shooting 2-14 at that point with 7 turnovers." Bell was already 0-for-5 when he got tossed. It's worth noting, also, that the ref who gave Bell the bronz boot was Ely Roe...

The Okafor Watch: Emeka had another fantastic game -- 20 points, 13 rebounds, 3 steals, 4 blocked shots -- but he also went another 42 minutes of game time without an assist. Although I'm sad to report he notched 3 assists since the last update. The current Watch numbers are: 26 games, 892 minutes, 224 field goal attempts, 113 free throw attempts, 50 turnovers and 10 assists.

Random statistical note: Basketbawful reader Junokasm sent me the following email: "I saw Drew Gooden foul out. The stat line: 14 points, 9 rebounds. I had just witnessed my first Calvin Murphy! I rejoiced." For those of you who might not remember, we coined the term Calvin Murphy to denote 14/9 games in honor of Murph, who was thought to have had 14 kids with nine different baby mamas. Thanks for the head's up, Junokasm.

The Klahma City Thunder: They committed 20 turnovers and missed 10 free throws in a 10-point home loss to the Clippers. The defeat dropped them to large-crocodile-tear-rolling-down-my-face 2-24. It was their 11th straight loss at home. Said Chris Wilcox: "We need to be better consistently. Right now, anything that we're doing on the road or at home is not working. We've got to come together, keep our heads up and just keep lifting each other up." Man, even their post game comments have that "going through the motions" feel to them.

By the way, has anybody noticed that Zach Randolph is fitting in really well with the Clippers? In point of fact, he's playing a lot better than post-surgery Elton Brand. And the Clips have won three in a row. Who knows? It could turn out that Brand leaving was a good thing for the other L.A. team.

The Enver Nuggets: Okay, okay. I know they've been getting it done on D since Chauncey Billups arrived, but I'm missed the reference. Plus, as Basketbawful reader Tiberious Sparkles pointed out, their defense was a little lacking last night: "The Enver Nuggets didn't record a single block last night against the Rockets. Somewhere, Marcus Camby is crying and eating and eating." The Nuggmeisters also let the Rockets shoot 55 percent from the field and had only 5 steals. Personally, I think the lapse was caused by stories like this one praising the D in Denver...it's like a stat curse.

Steve Francis: Every time I see his name at the end of a Rockets' box score, I think "why?" Then I think "If he were a little crazier, he'd be getting the Marbury treatment." Speaking of which...


Stephon Marbury: He paid his way to watch his sorta-kinda team play the Lakers in L.A. And people were falling all over themselves to interview him, during the game, at halftime, after the game. Here are a few choice quotes: "I didn't create this, this is all their doing. I'm still earning my check by doing nothing. I'm staying in shape. My mind-set is to enjoy my life." And: "I don't even worry about it. They're going to do what they're going to do, and when they're ready, they'll make a decision. All I've got to do is get free. Once I get free, the team I'm going to go to, I think a lot of people will be shocked. All the people that say nobody wants me on their team...I'm all of these different things...Frank Isola said I'm a cancer...I'm doing my thing though." Ah, Starbury. Bringin' the crazy everywhere he goes.

The Los Angeles Lakers: Yes, I know they won, and they're 21-3 which should be good enough, right? Well, their lackadaisical approach to defense -- which has been a growing problem lately -- was on full display last night. It sure seemed to me like they were indifferent on defense because they knew the Knicks weren't going to stop them on offense. And some of their post-game quotes seem to bear that out. Said Lamar Odom: "We know we can score. It doesn't matter what team you put in front of us, we can score. We've got 12 guys who can hit shots. We can do it offensively. We just have to focus on defense." Added Andrew Bynum: "We're still 21-3. We're going to be able to go out there and execute the defense later on as we build together as a unit. I think everybody in here is pretty happy."

You know who else is pretty happy? The Celtics and Cavaliers, who sure don't have to worry about developing the necessary defensive attitude "later"...whenever Bynum thinks that is.

Lamar Odom, bravery machine: He played through his flu-like symptoms to finish with 17 points, 12 rebounds and 4 assists. Which even I could probably do against the Knicks "defense," but still. And after the game, L.O. got a little dramatic. "I think I have the flu. Who knows? Pau was out and I kind of willed myself to do it. Football mentality. Luke (Walton) was sick, Trevor and Josh (Powell), Pau. Like kindergarten." I love this guy. I really do.

The Sacramento Kings: From Basketbawful reader Eric G: "The Kings lost by 32 last night despite the fact that the Blazers only shot 41.4 percent and 4-for-15 from three. Why? Because the Kings were 13-for-61 (21.3%) from the field in quarters 2-4. At one point they went on a 7-47 stretch from the field. That's not even acceptable in the WNBA!" Well, Eric, I agree with everything except the "not even acceptable in the WNBA" part. The Kings finished 24-for-76 (31 percent).

So the dead coach bounce lasted only one game, huh? And that game was against the Timberwolves. Yikes. Interim coach Kenny Natt said: "Guys started hanging their heads and feeling sorry for themselves. My job is to try to keep these guys motivated and try to encourage them as much as possible. Unfortunately this was one of (the Blazers') nights where they played their best." Sure, Kenny. It was just the Blazers playing awesome. Whatever you say.

Kobe Bryant: Mamba kept interrupting his teammates during the morning shootaround to quote long sections from various Harry Potter novels, and he insisted on making finger quotes the entire time.

False attributions (Updated): Several readers informed me that the The BS Report "introduced" the Club Trillion blog that we mentioned last month. The interview with Mark Titus, the blog founder, starts around 42:40. Now, Bill Simmons seems to think that Titus invented the trillion, and Mark, for his part, claims that he and his friends "devised" the trillion. Which is funny, considering that I've been using the term for years on this very blog. However, I did not coin it. The word was, in fact, invented by Scott Hastings...way back in 1990: "Scott Hastings, little-used Piston forward, who claims to lead the NBA in a category that he calls the 'trillion': 'That's when the box score reads one minute played followed by 0-0, 0-0, 0-0, 0 0 0.'"

This was further expounded on in, of all things, a 2006-07 NBA Media Guide: "Some years back ex-player Scott Hastings devised the Trillion Club. To become a member you must play in an NBA game (no minimum time) and do absolutely nothing since 15 zeros follow the minute column. (A commitee voted to allow a player to join the club if he only had a personal foul.)" So yeah: Hastings had a Trillion Club waaaay before their was a Club Trillion.

The term was also explained in a 1999 Sports Illustrated article called Garbage Time. It says: "Avoid the dread 'trillion.' In other words, if for some reason you can't get off a shot, do something. In garbage-time lingo, trillion is the line in the box score a player gets when his minutes-played stat is followed by zeros in the nine other categories. 'A trillion means you played, but you didn't do anything,' says Vancouver Grizzlies assistant Lionel Hollins, who was an NBA guard for 10 seasons. 'No shots attempted or made, no assists, no rebounds, no fouls, nothing.' If he still has a trillion in the final seconds, the experienced garbage-time player will commit misdemeanor assault to break up his zeros with a '1' in the personal foul column." For the record, Henry Abbott -- who emailed me about this article -- remembers hearing references to the trillion back in the 80s.

Anyway, I'm glad their blog -- which is pretty funny -- is getting attention and that guys like Simmons are finally aware of it. But c'mon. The trillion is not a new thing. You won't hear be going around claiming I invented the question mark, you know? (Unless, of course, I'm 5+ pints of Guiness into my night. Then all bets are off.)

Labels: Charlotte Bobcats, Chicago Bulls, Denver Nuggets, home cooking, Houston Rockets, Oklahoma City Thunder, Sacramento Kings, Steve Francis, Worst of the Night

nugatory: ˈnugəˌtori, adj.
1. of no real value; trifling; worthless. 2. of no force or effect; ineffective; futile; vain. 3. not valid.

Ever played pick-up ball with someone so bad that they might as well not even be there at all? Like, empty air would be a more effective teammate? Well I have, and that sack of crap is the inspiration for today's pick-up ball Word Of The Day: Nugatory. I like this word because it's a real word (according to dictionary.com, anyway)...and even though it hints at nougat - a sugary confectionary in many tasty treats - there is nothing tasty about what a nugatory player brings to the table (why do I feel like Dane Cook when I write that?).

Now Bawful may have already created a word for this yutz, but fortunately I'm too lazy to do even the most rudimentary of research to check. I am also taking submissions for a better word, since a term meaning "worthless" is not necessarily appropriate for this guy, since he's probably less than worthless..."Negative Man" is a possibility, but doesn't dance off the vocal chords like "nugatory"...

If you wish to duplicate the feeling of playing with Nugatory Guy on your team, go to an oft-used public bathroom stall, arrange a perfect oval of toilet paper on the seat to protect your bottom from germs, and poop out something of such length and diameter as to generate a geyser-like splash of toilet water straight up to your bunghole.

Nugatory Guy is awful for so many reasons:

He comes late to pick-up ball, so after you've established teams and a rhythm, he's pops in to ruin the mix. Inevitably, he will be the ninth to arrive (thereby screwing up a game of 4-on-4), the eleventh to arrive (thereby ruining a game of 5-on-5), or the thirteenth to arrive (thereby destroying a perfectly sound game of 5-on-5 with one sub per team, usually necessitating the need to create a third team, with losers shooting for the next game). And even on the rarest of days when he's the 8th or 10th guy, people are only moderately happy with his arrival, because he will be...

...a detriment of such enormous proportions to the team on which he plays that no matter how many giant, athletic dudes you put on his team, he will drag it into failure by not playing defense, nor help defense, nor offense, nor rebounding, nor setting picks, nor boxing out. He also makes a habit of yelling loud, distracting things when opposing players shoot in an effort to "scream defense" a miss.

In my league with Basketbawful, we have a Nugatory Guy - a dude of such singular awfulness that he makes even the bad players look pretty darned good. Having overcome a near-death illness, this plodding, still-debilitated fellow now tries to play in our league. His efforts, I suppose, are inspirational - for a movie at least, but not for the guys who must play with him. Bawful and I have both become so frustrated by playing with this guy that we are trying to come up with strategies to make his awfulness less of a problem:

1.) Switch him from one team to the other throughout the night, thereby spreading his awfulness around.

2.) Tell him not to return to the court even when he is supposed to be subbing back into a game (I've done this - telling him to just "keep sitting there" - that's Evil Ted at his best).

3.) Beat one of the mediocre players half to death at the beginning of the night, and have them match up with him.

4.) Play 4-on-3 or 5-on-4 and just let him guard air, and thusly allow air to guard him.

5.) Go to his house beforehand and cut wires in his car's engine to ensure he doesn't make it to ball that night.

6.) Perform an intervention, confronting Nugatory about why he still comes and torments us with his presence.





A rare photo of a basketball intervention
If you have any further suggestions about what else Bawful and I might do, or even have any upgrades to the word "nugatory," go for it. This post will grow and change with good suggestions.

UPDATE: Yams comes through big time with the term "Minus Man." I love this almost as much as RHL's "Anti-player," which makes me think of anti-matter or the anti-Christ, and we all know how funny the anti-Christ is. Both are strong contenders to Supplant "Nugatory," which I felt was really just a place holder until the devoted came through. So far, well done.

UPDATE 2: Wormboy has suggested "Neutron" and "Captain Entropy / Entropic player." Not bad...a little science lab, but not bad. Also from the beaker and test tube crowd comes "E" or "Electron," (the player "exhibits a negative charge on whatever they come into contact with"). Bravo. Caseta brings "The main attraction"...perhaps, if you want to get your popcorn and be amused from the sideline, then this one makes sense. Tony sports "anti-game" which is close enough to anti-player to damage both entries in the Oscar voting.

If anyone knows of some sort of blog-friendly macro we can use to vote for the best name, let me know. That would be wicked.

- Evil Ted

Labels: nugatory, pick-up ball, Word of the Day

The Philadelphia 76ers: The Cavaliers were without Zydrunas Ilgauskas (sprained ankle) and Boobie Gibson (sprained toe...no, really), but it didn't matter. The Deep Sixers -- who, in case you forgot, committed to $185 million worth of contracts last summer ($80 million a piece for Elton Brand and Andre Iguodala and $25 mil for Louis Williams) -- hit only one of their 12 three-point attempts, committed 17 turnovers, and scored only 72 points. And this was Iggy's take: "We didn't have the mental toughness down the stretch. We kind of gave in. I'm not saying that as a team we didn't play hard, but we didn't execute and we didn't get the stops we needed." Yeah. It's not that they didn't try, it's just that they quit. Ooookay. I tell ya, talk like that (and the disappointing 9-14 record) is the kind of thing that'll get a coach fired...

The New Jersey Nets: Let's see. How to describe the Nets' offensive performance against the Raptors? I'll put it this way:


Oh yes. It was that bad. NJ shot 28-for-83 (31 percent) in falling to 4-7 at home, which makes them the only team in the league with a winning record that is below .500 at home. And the dolloped of whipped poopy on top of this crap sundae was provided by...

Vince Carter: Remember how he tormented his former team earlier this season? Karma, poetic justice, call it what you will, this game was a complete reversal of fortune for Toronto's least favorite former adopted son: 3 points, 0-for-13 shooting. It was the worst shooting performance of his career and the first time that he failed to make a shot from the field when playing at least 10 minutes. "Fail" doesn't quite do this event justice does it?

Vinsanity pouted his way out of the postgame press conference, leaving his coach and teammates to make his excuses for him. Said Lawrence Frank: "Unfortunately, you have nights like that. It's just one of those things where they have everyone in the paint, so they're giving you the jump shot. It's not just him. We couldn't buy a shot." Added Devin Harris: "He had a tough night. I know he probably takes this a little bit harder against his former team. We're all going to have those nights." Exactly. Everybody had a worst game of their career. Best to just get it out of his system.

Oh, and check out Vince's "Run away! Run awaaaay!!" defense on Joey Graham, courtesy of Shayan from Time Intact.

Okay. Maybe he's actually saying "Not in the face!"
The Miami Heat: The fireballs got off to their best start of the season, outscoring the Atlanteans 11-0 coming out of the gate. The Hawks then went on an 87-62 run to finish the game. The Heat missed nine straight shots during one second-half stretch. They also got outscored 23-4 in fastbreak points and hit only four of their 10 foul shots. Meanwhile, the dirty birds got 32 freethrow attempts. In Miami. How's that for home court disadvantage?

Michael Beasely: Missed the game with...flu-like symptoms! I guess Mike had too many, uh, flu shots. And hey, it gets better. Here's Beasely's theory on how he got sick: "The only thing I can think of was it's from my dogs. I've had them for like seven or eight months, though. But I think it might have come from them. I've been around them a lot (lately)."

Minnesota Timberwolves: Their 98-86 home loss to the Spurs was the team's eighth straight loss and the third in a row since Kevin McHale took over coaching duties. So, you know, he coaches pretty much the same way he general manages: Poorly. Said McHale: "There are times when it's tough out there, man. Anybody's who has played a lot of years knows that it gets tough. You've got to work your way through it. That's what I keep on telling them." Know what else he's telling them? "You can't get much better than layups and we were missing them. Some of those will go in, but the hanging the head is what we can't have and that's what happened. I think we started feeling sorry for ourselves...and that's unacceptable." So, you know, you can do it guys! Even though you sort of quit. Go team!

Speaking of McHale quotage, on Thursday, McHale had this to say about San Antonio's early-season win against his team, in which Tony Parker dropped the double-nickel. "It took a superhuman performance by Tony for those guys to win that game. Hopefully (Friday night) he'll just be a normal human." The inference was that, sans a career game for Parker, the Wolves should win. Well, TP had a human game but Minny lost anyway. So, uhm, stat curse.

Randy Foye, excuse machine: "I still had that in my head, that Tony Parker scored 55 here. I wasn't as aggressive going to the basket and stuff because I was trying to focus on containing him." Wait a sec, Randy. You were trying to contain TP while you were on offense? Well, that certainly explains a lot...

The Indiana Pacers: They once again squandered a fourth quarter lead -- not to mention 57 percent shooting and a career-high 42 points from Danny Granger -- in losing 114-110 to the Pistons. Said Granger: "I don't know what to tell you. This is very agonizing, because we watch the films and work on stuff, and then we go out and do the same thing to lose the game." Yeah, well, that'll happen. Especially when you commit 20 turnovers and let your opponent shoot 56 percent. Said Pacers coach Jim O'Brien: "We lost tonight, but we've got another game tomorrow. That's the only way to look at it." Gosh. In that case, it would be really sad if they lost that one too...

The Chicago Bulls: They squandered a 14-point lead and lost to the Memphis Grizzlies. [Slaps forehead.] Speaking of the Griz...

The Memphis Grizzlies: Their win over the Bulls was the first time the Grizzlies have won three games in a row under Marc Iavaroni. Said Hakim Warrick: "I think this whole run has been a total team effort. It's been a different guy stepping up at different key points of the game and making big plays." Huh. Your amazing three-game run isn't exactly inspiring my awe, Hakim, but congrats and all that.

Doc Rivers, quote machine: Regarding James Posey, who made his first return to Boston since signing on with the Hornets. "He's up to those same tricks. Last year, I loved what he did, setting flops, charges, grabbing, holding, getting away with hitting on the arm. Today I think I complained about Posey the entire game. He's a pain in the butt; he really is. Now I know why I loved him on our team." Funny how he never mentioned any of that LAST year.

Chris Paul, quote machine: The Celtics pretty much controlled the second half of their game against the Hornets before winning by 12. But the way CP3 was talking, you'd think that Boston won on a last-second shot or something. "We felt like we could have got this one. I'll tell you right now that I'm not about any moral victory." Not sure how a double-digit loss could have been considered a moral victory, but okay, Chris. Whatever you say.

Hedo Turkoglu, God Machine: The Turkish Assassin gave the Magic a 1-point lead against the Suns -- which they squandered, but whatever -- by hitting a running 22-footer with 7.2 ticks on the clock. When asked about the shot after the game, Turkoglu, who was 3-for-17 from the field at that point, said: "God is always with me in those situations, making those shots." I'm glad that Our Lord takes coffee breaks from stopping volcanos and making the Virgin Mary appear in pieces of toast

Hubie Brown, unintentionally dirty quote machine: From Afiq said: "In the Hornets-Cetics game, Hubie Brown said: 'Rajon Rondo likes to steal the ball from the rear.' Is it unintentionally dirty, or am I just over-scrutinizing the mummy's words?" Well, it depends. Did he say it in a throaty, wheezing rasp? Oh, wait. Hubie says everything in a throaty, wheezing rasp. Let's assume you're just over-analyzing. I don't think they had double-entendres back when Hubie was embalmed (around 2,000 B.C.).

Robin Lopez: He started at center for the Suns owing to Shaq's absence. He had 1 rebound in 20 minutes. That is only one more rebound than Stephen Hawking, Gary Coleman and that guy who had to cut off his own arm. I'm just sayin'.

The Portland Trail Blazers: Losing at home in double-overtime to the Clippers?! Yup. Brandon Roy's career-high 38 points was not enough to prevent his team from falling to the team with the second-worst record in the Western Conference (5-17). This was in large part due to...

Steve Blake: Dude missed four of five free throw attempts down the stretch. Mind you, he entered the game 31-for-33 this season. Said the Yipper: "Yeah, I'm taking it personally, of course. The game was on my shoulders and I let them down." Yes, yes you did.

Here's the breakdown from Alex D: "I don't know if the Clippers' TV commentators did a stat curse on Steve Blake, saying that he was shooting 94 percent from the free throw line, but Blake missed three (!) consecutive free throws with less than 20 seconds remaining with the Blazers holding on to a two-point lead. Then he stole the ball from the Clippers and was fouled. He missed one more with less than 10 seconds remaining. Blazers ahead by three, Baron Davis made a three-pointer beating the buzzer...and the Clippers won after the second overtime. Sad and painful loss."

Zach Randolph: He led his new team to a victory over his old team with 38 points and 11 rebounds. But Basketbawful reader Lindsay noticed something odd going on with the Clipper's "big" man: "I think it is time to start another 'player watch.' While Emeka Okafor is busy NOT racking up assists, Zach Randolph is busy racking up blocks...against him. Now, this is a guy who is 6'9 that started as center on the Knicks and now power forward on the Clippers. His career blocks per game is a staggering 0.2. So far this season Randolph has had his shot blocked a total of 29 times and has blocked a whopping 6 (!!) this season. The majority (64%) of his shots are jumpers. Last night against the Blazers, he had his shot blocked by 6'6" Brandon Roy (who had a ridiculous game, by the way.) But really Zach, it's called defense. You should try it sometime. That and jumping. He is what I have always thought he was...lazy." To be fair, Lindsay, he's totally motivated when shooting the ball. But you've got it my friend: The Randolph Watch has officially begun. Speaking of watches...

The Yao Watch: From Alex K: "For the next WotN, you need to bring back the Yao Watch. I was watching the end of the Rockets-Warriors game and in the fourth quarter, from the time of about five minutes to around 2:30 minutes left, Yao got blocked three times, one of them by Rob Kurz. The Rockets also got outblocked by the Warriors, 10-4. But I think the Yao Watch should be fully revived." Let's go ahead and restart it on at least a temporary basis. Oh, and here's that block by Kurz. There might have been a little tap on Yao's hand involved...


Reality checks: As in, we need 'em. A lot of people were ooing and ahing about T-Mac's big game (24 points, 10 rebounds, 9 assists). But, c'mon people, it happened against the defensive menace that is the Golden State Warriors. I'm not quite ready to pronounce him "back" just yet. Oh and speaking of the Warriors' D...

Anthony Randolph: Here's Randy employing the fundamentally sound "hand in the crotch" defense against McGrady. Thanks to Quinton for the pic.


Jamal Crawford and Stephen Jackson: They were a combined 3-for-21 against the Rockets. A classic case of "Gun shoots owner." Captain Jack, who has sprained left hand, missed all seven of his shot attempts and Golden State fell to 0-11 when he fails to score at least 20 points.


The Pistons: Yeah, they won. But they barely held on after building a 22-point lead against the Bobcats, who outscored the Pistons 30-12 in the fourth quarter...during which the Motowners shot 3-for-16 and committed 6 turnovers. And Allen Iverson was quick to dump on the Detroit reserves, who let the 'Cats out of their cage. "Honestly, I didn't want to go back in. I felt that our second team should have closed that thing out." Nice. AI also added: "It's a feeling of disgust, but it's some happiness in there, too, because you won the game. You feel bad, but it could have been worse." When this was brought up to Pistons coach Michael Curry, he wigged out. "Why would you ask me that about Allen? Why don't you ask me about the group of guys that played poorly?" Saucer of milk, table two, please.

Boris Diaw and Raja Bell: Charlotte's newcomers shot 5-for-19 for 11 points. Good trade, Mr. Jordan. (Was it MJ's decision? I don't care. I'm blaming him anyway.) On the Bobcats' second possession, Diaw ran into Raymond Felton on a blown pick-and-roll. Diaw also picked up two fouls only four minutes into the game. Bell? He was called for traveling twice in the first quarter and threw the ball away on an inbounds play, which led to a fast break layup for Detroit. Said Diaw: "It mostly was because we didn't know any of the plays. We kind of slowed the team because of us. We didn't know where to go."

The Atlanta and Cleveland benches: Atlanta's reserves contributed 13 points on 3-for-11 shooting, 8 rebounds, zero assists, 2 turnovers, and 7 fouls. As for Cleveland's pine riders, Sasha Pavlovic played okay (8 points, 3-for-5, 5 boards), but Wally Szczerbiak went 0-for-5, Darnell Jackson committed 2 fouls and went zero-for-everything else and J.J. Hickson went 0-for-1 and finished with a foul.

Delonte West: From Vinny Gorgeous: "The scene: Cavs down two in Atlanta. LeBron's drive is blocked, rebounded, and kicked to West in the corner for a dagger three...except Josh Smith comes out of nowhere and delivers the biggest eco-ectomy I've seen this year, smacking the attempt into the 15 or 16th row with only a second left on the shot clock. I think Delonte is WotW material after that." Done.


Ben Wallace: He had a chance to step it up with Zydrunas Ilgauskas out for a second straight game. But he didn't. Unless you consider zero points (0-for-2), 6 rebounds, a block and 3 fouls in 25 minutes "stepping up." I think it's time to send the 15 Million Dollar Man to the glue factory. After all, he's already as slow and motionless as paste.

The Philadelphia 76ers: They enjoyed a dead coach bounce, winning by 15 points. Of course, it was against the 4-17 Wizards, so you can take it for what it's worth. But still, I'm a little mystified by the decision to replace Mo Cheeks with Assistant General Manager Tony DiLeo. DiLeo hasn't been a head coach since he left the West German national team in 1990. He wasn't even an assistant in Philly. Weird. Sixers chairman Ed Snider explained the move thusly: "Once you're a coach, you're always a coach. That doesn't concern me at all." If you say so, Ed.

The Washington Wizards: 4-17 overall. 1-8 on the road. You know what that means...

The Dallas Mavericks' supporting cast: An anonymous commenter made the following request: "Can we PLEASE have the WotN include the entire Mavericks supporting cast? Or everyone who isn't named Dirk or Jason Terry? This game should go as a loss, regardless of what the final score was. Hell, make it a loss for both teams. Neither deserved the win." Here's what Mr. Anonymous meant: The non-Dirk starters combined for 18 points (including Erick Dampiers' goose egg) and had more fouls (7) than field goals (6). The non-Terry reserves chipped in with 11 points on 5-for-14 shooting. Fortunately for the Mavs, they were playing...

The Klahma City Thunder: They led for most of the game but couldn't stop the Flying Dutchman (season-high 46 points, 17-for-30) or the JET (28 points, 13-for-21). Thus the whole worst-in-the-league 2-22 record. Said Desmond Mason: "We played a solid basketball game. You can't fault our effort." I have no comment.

The Indiana Pacers: Let's hark back to Pacers coach Jim O'Brien's words after Indy's Friday night defeat: "We lost tonight, but we've got another game tomorrow. That's the only way to look at it." Fair enough. Unfortunately, things got worse, as the Pacers lost to the Bucks by 18. But it's worse than that, even. They outscored Milwaukee 37-22 in the third to overcome a 21-point deficit only to fall apart in the fourth...getting outscored 19-0 to finish the game.

Michael Redd, quote machine: Regarding teammate Andy Bogut, who had 20 points and 20 rebounds: "Call him Barbara Walters tonight. 20/20." Barbara Walters it is, Mike.

Jim O'Brien, ref busting machine: O'Brien got T'd up during the third quarter for complaiing about an offensive foul called on T.J. Ford. But he did it in an awesome way: "Why don't you give [Bucks coach Scott] Skiles a whistle?"

The Nets' bench: Vince Carter bounced back from Friday night's 0-for-13 performance by dropping 39 on the Bulls. Too bad the Nets shot 38 percent, "led" by the reserves, who scored 12 points on 5-for-20 shooting.

Larry Hughes: "Big Shot Larry" was 3-for-10. Now THAT'S the Larry Hughes we know and mock around here.

The Utah Jazz: They committed 22 turnovers and got outscored 34-12 in the third quarter, thus squandering a 10-point halftime lead and losing their fourth home game of the season. They lost only four games at home all of last year.

Stephen Jackson: Captain Jack was 1-for-13 against the Nuggets, capping off a winless weekend that saw him shoot a combined 3-for-27 from the field. In fact, he had more TOs this weekend (5) than FGs (3). I guess THAT'S why the rum's always gone.

Chauncey Billups' hands-free D: Thanks to Michael H for the picture, which explins why Crawford -- a 41 percent shooter on the season -- went 11-for-19 against the Nuggets.


The Sacramento Kings: They got roasted on defense (surrendering 114 points) while stinking it up on offense (scoring only 90 points on 36 percent shooting). Losing by 24 to the Knicks in Sactown? Bad. Oh, and their 3 first-quarter rebounds tied the franchise record for spaghetti-armed board work.

The Houston Rockets: Remember how I scoffed at T-Mac's Friday night success against the Warriors? I did so with good reason: He shot 5-for-17 on Saturday. In fact, as a team the Rockets shot 35 percent, leading to a double-digit beatdown. To the Clippers.

Marcus Camby, quote machine: Regarding teammate Zach Randolph, who had 30 points and 13 rebounds: "Man, I can't see a flaw or name one negative thing in his game." Oh? How 'bout only 6 blocks versus 29 blocks against on the season? What about that?


Foreign relations: George W. Bush's reign as commander of the free world has been marked by such popular decision making that, during his farewell trip to Baghdad, an Iraqi journalist said, "This is a goodbye kiss from the Iraqi people, dog!" and then threw not one but two shoes at him. No, really. Note the classic Bushian reaction: "It's like driving down the street and having people not gesturing with all five fingers." Yup. He's an Ivy league graduate, folks.


Not sure Dubya realizes that, in the Middle East, throwing a shoe is a serious insult. I'm also not sure he ever learned to pronounce nuclear correctly.

The Miami Heat: What a weekend for the Heat -- two games, two double-digit losses, the second of which was a 16-point setback to...the Memphis Grizzlies, who themselves have now won four games in a row. Dwyane Wade played more like Dwayne Wayne (5-for-16, 4 turnovers, 5 fouls) and Miami shot 36 percent for the game. The Heat also got outscored 35-20 in the third quarter. And in case you were wondering, that was the most points scored by the Griz in a single quarter this season. Regarding the loss, Heat center Joel Anthony (12 points, 13 rebounds) said: "It's always tough when you have some individual production and you're not able to win." To which D-Wade would like to say, "Welcome to MY world, kid."

O.J. Mayo: Mayo (28 points, 5 rebounds, 4 assists) actually outplayed Pookie last night, but Wade still provided a classic ego-ectomy that had the rooke "tumbling like a bowling pin." Watch:


Jamaal Magloire: Mags earned an early trip to the locker room for for head-butting Darko Milicic during a battle for position as the Grizzlies were trying to inbound the ball. Magloire better be careful. He wouldn't like Darko when he's angry.

The San Antonio Spurs: They almost let the Thunder come back and steal one in San Antonio after building a 26-point lead. Technically, it's not a loss, but I still don't think it should be put in the win column. Maybe there should be a column for "Wins That Aren't As Good As Others"?

The Klahma City Thunder: They almost earned an O for their performance against the Spurs -- 104 points on 52 percent shooting -- but, alas, they still fell to 2-23. So, you know, fail.

The Minnesota Timberwolves: The line: 36 percent shooting, nine straight losses and a 4-19 record. I hope everybody realizes they're watching the end of the Kevin McHale Era in Minnesota. Speaking of Kevin...

Kevin McHale, justification machine: Regarding rookie Kevin Love: "He's getting better all the time. He really brings a lot of energy, a great basketball feel. I think he's been tremendous, he's played very well." Uh huh. Love had 2 points and 10 rebounds in 21 minutes against the Lakers. We've already talked about what O.J. Mayo has been doing for the Grizzlies...

The Lakers: Yeah, they're winning...but they aren't looking very good doing it. It's a good thing they're playing all these crappy teams. Said Lamar Odom: "We can't hold a lead. These guys (Bryant and Gasol) have to come back into the game (in the fourth quarter). That's awful." Pretty much, yeah.

Kobe Bryant: Mamba made Luke Walton and Sasha Vujacic stand at the press conference podium so he could re-enact Dubya's shoe-throwing incident. Only he wouldn't let Luke dodge the shoe. Said Mamba: "None of that Matrix [expletive}, Walton."

Mario Brothers: Kevin Ollie (Timberwolves) had a three-second Super Mario against the Spurs; Steve Novak (Clippers) had a seven-second Super Mario against the Clippers; Joe Alexander (Bucks) had a 59-second Mario against the Pacers; Josh McRoberts (Pacers) had a 59-second Mario against the Bucks.

Suck Differentialists: Mark Blount (Heat) + against the Hawks; Mario "The Mario" West (Hawks) +1 against the Heat; Greg Buckner (Grizzlies) +3 against the Bulls; Mo Peterson (Hornets) +1 against the Celtics; Jared Dudley (Suns) +1 against the Magic; Walter Herrmann (Pistons) +3 against the Bobcats; Darnell Jackson (Cavs) +2 against the Hawks; J.J. Hickson (Cavs) +2 against the Hawks; Nick Young (Wizards) +1 against the Sixers; Josh McRoberts (Pacers) +1 against the Bucks.

Trillionaires: Marreese Speights (Sixers) had a two trillion against the Cavaliers; Solomon Jones (Hawks) had a one trillion against the Heat; Greg Buckner (Grizzlies) had a five trillion against the Heat; Vladimir Radmanovic (Lakers) had a two trillion against the Grizzlies

Labels: Worst of the Weekend

Look, I know that a certain segment of the Basketbawful demographic consists of nerds who love watching and/or playing the game of basketball. Mind you, this is not a criticism, since it pretty much describes, well, me. (For further details, please refer to my profile picture.) And in case you wanted something -- other than this site, of course -- that allows you to seamlessly blend your irrepressible geekdom WITH your appreciation of the world's greatest sport, I have just the product for you: Star Wars-themed basketball jerseys!

First up, Darth Vadar's "Dark Side" jersey. You know, in case you've ever fantasized about using telekinesis or a laser sword to kill your opponents. And let's face it: Who hasn't? This baby is a flat-out bargain at $1oo...especially when you consider that this Antoine Walker jersey could set you back almost $300. The Vader jersey is your destiny. Search your feelings. You know it to be true.

Breathing like Darth Vader is totally optional.Further human contact, on the other hand, is not.
If you're less "entrenched autocracy" and more of a "mysterious loner with floating morals" kind of guy or gal, you could go for the Boba Fett Assassins team jersey. Bonus: This jersey comes with a woven label patch that describes the character history of Boba Fett. You know, so you have something to do whien you're playing ball by yourself. Which, trust me, you will be. Possibly forever.

Warning: Wearing this jersey will not make you cool.It will actually remove all the cool from you. Forever.
Now, if you're one of those goody-goody types who wants to uphold truth and justice and all that other crap, then just get the almost criminally uncool Jedi jersey. It has a woven patch that tells you about Yoda's exciting life, much of which was spent living in a swamp.

The Force is not with you, Young Jedi. Trust me.
And, of course, if you really hate your genitals and hope to never again have the opportunity to use them, Cargo Bay offers Star Wars jerseys for every major sport.

Labels: Boba Fett, Christmas list, Darth Vader, Jedi, Star Wars

Seriously, doesn't it look like Doug Collins ispimping Ronnie Price out to some dirty old man?
The Washington Wizards: Sure, it would be easy to give the Wizards a mulligan on this one. I mean, the defending champs are on a hot streak -- 13 in a row and counting -- so losing to them was sort of expected. That said...the Wiz lost by 34. At home. They shot 43 percent and had more turnovers (22) than assists (16). Meanwhile, Boston singed their forearm hair off with 56 percent shooting (and 53 percent from distance) and beat them bloody on the boards (41-26). The Celtics also had seven players in double figures, and Big Baby almost had a double-double (9 points, 7 rebounds). Brian Scalabrine played most of the fourth quarter.

Remember: This is, essentially, the same Washington team that showed so much spunk last year. They were, in fact, the only team in the league to beat the Celtics three times during the regular season. And now? The Wiz are 4-16, which matches the 1966-67 Baltimore Bullets for the worst start in franchise history. That's some historic fail right there.


Mind you, I almost mentioned the Wizards in yesterday's Worst of the Night because they traded FOR Mike James, the shoot-first point guard whom Byron Scott didn't trust to play the three or four minutes a game that Chris Paul sits out. The so-called Amityville Scorer, who's something of a homeless man's Gilbert Arenas, played 10 minutes, shot 0-for-6, and finished with a point, an assist, a steal and a foul. But I'm sure he just needs time to adjust to Ed Tapscott's system. That and some kind of magic potion that can transform him into a real NBA player. Oh, and here's a bonus picture of James getting the ball knocked away by Big Baby. That's right: James has regressed to the point where he isn't faster and more mobile than Glen Davis.

I know there's a lot of Big Baby to get around,Mike, but you should still be able to do it.
Speaking of that trade, TehJay pointed out that Javaris Crittenton played 6 minutes last night, contributing 4 turnovers and nothing else. Added TehJay: "Washington got a steal with this trade!"

Also, here's a question for the Basketbawful faithful: Are the Cavs, Celtics and Lakers just incredibly awesome or does the rest of the league just kinda suck this season? I'm leaning toward the latter. Discuss.

Brian Scalabrine: Here's a gold nugget from the AP game notes: "Rivers put in the players at the end of his bench for most of the fourth quarter, and what was left of the sellout crowd of 20,173 kept chanting reserve forward Brian Scalabrine's last name, apparently hoping to see him score, or at least shoot. He put up his one and only attempt with 3 seconds left -- and it was blocked." I promise you I'm not ghost writing for the AP under the pseudonym "Howard Fendrich." As far as you know. For the record, it was JaVale McGee who decided to ego-ectomize Scal on that final play. It's just like John Kreese said: We do not train to be merciful here. Mercy is for the weak. A man confronts you, he is the enemy. An enemy deserves no mercy.

Here's another bonus pic. The caption: "Brian Scalabrine of the Boston Celtics plays a game with a child from Boston Medical Center during a Boston Celtics Holiday Party on December 9, 2008 at the Dick's Last Resort in Boston, Massachusetts." Have you ever seen someone look so bewildered during a game of Jenga?

Jeez, Brian. It's Jenga, not rocket science.
The Dallas Mavericks: They barely held off the Bobcats in Dallas. Woo hoo! Yes, that's sarcasm. Worse is that Charlotte was missing Gerald Wallace (who has not returned to the team following the death of his grandmother) and just traded away their leading scorer, therefore they were playing with a bench so short that Adam Morrison logged 20 minutes...and scored 9 points on 4-for-6 shooting. I'm not going to bother to check, but I'm guessing that's a season-high for the 'Stache. Said 'Cats coach Larry Brown: "We played a lot of guys who've never really played before." Which, of course, is Larry's passive-aggressive way of mocking the Mavs while making excuses for his team. That's what coaching experience is all about, baby.

Countered Mavericks coach Rick Carlisle: "It was about defense tonight. They're a difficult team because they're very persistent." Really, Rick? Really? So persistent they rank dead last in PPG (89.8) and darn close in field goal percentage (43.7). Although I suppose I should credit Dallas for holding them to only 0.2 points above their scoring average. That's something.

DeSagana Diop: The Mavs sure are lucky they managed to resign Diop last summer! I got into some pretty heated arguments with some commenters last year when Diop was included as an add-on in the Jason Kidd trade. My stance: He's a nearly useless, seven-foot stiff. My opponents' stance: He's an invaluable rebounding and defensive presence. Well, his performance this season has been a little thing I like to call "checkmate." Last night's line: 3 minutes, 2 fouls, and a suck differential of +2. By the way, that contract he signed? It's worth more than $32 million over five years. So, in considering Diop's free agent deal, the Harris-for-Kidd trade and the fact that the Mavs chose to give Erick Dampier a seven-year, $72 million contract instead of re-signing Steve Nash...can we all just agree once and for all that Mark Cuban isn't quite the genius he thinks he is and leave it at that?

Emeka Okafor: The Okafor watch continues! Oaky had a season-high 27 points and 17 rebounds. And zero assists. Again. That's another 41 minutes without a dime. The current season numbers stand at: 781 minutes, 195 field goal attempts, 98 free throw attempts, 48 turnovers and 7 assists in 23 games. And since his season-high is 1 assist, that means he's played 16 games without one. To which I say: Damn, dawg. You're not even letting the GROUND touch the ball. [Opens Okafor's closet and watches in stunned silence as thousands of balls spill out.]

Matt Harpring's defense: C'mon, Matt. I'm pretty sure that's against some sort of rule...

Memo to Matt: It's "hand in the face," not "fistful of jersey."
Deron Williams' shooting: "Dear, Deron. Including last night's 5-for-16 shooting performance, you're now hitting 37 percent of your field goals on the season. This is killing my fantasy team. Please put in some extra practice or take better shots. Thank you in advance. Sincerely, Basketbawful."

The Portland Trail Blazers: Hm. They've quietly lost three of four, and it would be four in a row if not for Steve Blake's three with 8 seconds left against the Raptors. I'm just sayin'. Meanwhile, what's up with this quote from Brandon Roy? "They did a great job and we've got to give them all the credit, but now it's our turn when we face them again to protect our home court." When I read that, I figured maybe they had a home-and-home with the Jazz. Nope. They don't face the Jazz in Portland until January 31st. I wonder if there was some trash talk going on during the game. But be careful what you wish for, Brandon. Utah should have Carlos Boozer back by then, so I'm guessing they'll be a little tougher.

Update! Brandon Roy: Not sure how I missed this, but Ben did not: "Shouldn't Brandon Roy earn some malaprops for his Okafor last night? Sure he had 33 points on 12-22 shooting, but when your starting PG gets no dimes in nearly 43 minutes, your team's chances of winning are going to be just south of diddley-squat." Good point. Although, technically speaking, Steve Blake is the startin PG while Roy starts at the two-spot. But still, Roy averages 5 APG and a lot of the Blazers' offense goes through him...so, yeah, he gets a mention. But honestly, Ben, you had me at "malaprops."

Update! Kobe Bryant: He called Mo's Bar and said: "Uh, yeah, I'd like to speak to a Mr. Tabooger, first name Ollie."

Death: Bettie Page passed away last night. She was 85. She was an amazing woman who lived an amazing life. She really changed the world. I'm bummed.

Thanks for the memories, Bettie.

Labels: Boston Celtics, Brian Scalabrine, Charlotte Bobcats, Dallas Mavericks, DeSagana Diop, Emeka Okafor, Portland Trail Blazers, Utah Jazz, Washington Wizards

Today's picture was provided by Shayan of Time Intact.

The Indiana Pacers: Indy entered last night's game with a 7-13 record, which didn't seem too bad considering that their previous five games were against the Magic, Celtics, Lakers, Cavaliers and Celtics again. That's a pretty tough five-game stretch, no? But things didn't improve with them finally facing a non-division leader. They shot 34 percent as a team, thanks in part to Danny Granger's 9-for-25 performance, which included a ridiculous 3-for-11 from three-point range. (For comparisons sake, the Raptors attempted 16 threes as a team.) T.J. Ford (4 points, 2-for-8) and Rasho Nesterovic (zero points, 0-for-4) seemed to be suffering from a case of formerteamitis. And things didn't go much better on the defensive end, where the Pacers gave up season-highs to Jason Kapono (25 points, 11-for-16) and Jamario Moon (17 points, 7-for-12). But other than that, they played great.

Animal Stylin': Props to Troy Murphy, who had a double-double Animal Style with 20 points, 20 rebounds and 6 assists. Okay, so I haven't come to the final decision as to the exact requirements for Animal Stylin'...but you've gotta admit that Murphy had a MAN-type game. In fact, Troy's having a MAN-type season: He's currently averaging a double-double while ranking fifth in rebounds per game (11.1) and second in defensive rebounds per game (9.3). So I guess Larry knew what he was doing in that trade after all...or something.

T.J. Ford, delusions of grandeur machine: Regarding Toronto's win, which broke their five-game losing streak: "They were determined not to let me come in here and get a win." Sure, T.J. Sam Mitchell got fired and their record coming into the game (8-12) was "good" for 10th in the East, and there was that whole losing streak thing, but I'm totally sure the Raptors' primary motivation was preventing you from getting a win against them. Whatever you say.

Andrea Bargnani: It was a game of fours for Bargs: 4 boards, 4 missed shots and 4 personal fouls. If only he could have lost the ball once more, he would have had 4 turnovers too. If only he would have ripped his jersey in half, Darko-style. But I'm not sure he's that MAN-type of a player.

Hassan Adams: Hassan, who through his first five games was averaging a one trillion, had a 47-second Mario against the Pacers. Glad to see he's back on track.

Suck differentialization: From Massiv: "Just noticed some superb play from the Pacers' Stephen 'Who?' Graham and Josh 'Duke stinks at every level' McRoberts, with some suck differentials of -2 for McRoberts and an impressive -7 for Graham. Bravo boys, bravo. Psst, by the way, that was Jason freakin' Kapono you just let light you up for 25 pts and 8 boards." The sad thing is, these guys would destroy me if they showed up to my pickup league. Life: It isn't fair.

The New Jersey Nets: On Tuesday, Devin Harris was busting a happy about NJ's improvement as a team this season. Said Harris: "We knew we were going to be a playoff team. We knew we were going to be competitive. And we knew we could be a good team on the road. And we're all that right now." Maybe that was a stat curse or something, because last night the Nets failed to compete, and that failure happened on their home court, as they lost 121-109 to the Knicks...who played only seven men and lost David Lee for the final quarter due to a bruised lower back. Al Harrington had a season-high 39 points (to go with 3 rebounds) and Tim Thomas also finished with a season-high 26 (on 8-for-12 shooting). Said Nets coach Lawrence Frank: "Defensively, giving up 121 points in your building, it's tough to overcome." He then added, "Harrington, obviously, killed us." That's some serious coaching acumen you've got there, Captain Obvious.

By the way, the Nets are now 7-3 on the road but only 4-6 at home. Weird.

Tim Thomas' mom: She refused her son's request to come to the came and therefore missed his best game of the season. That's pretty cold. And it's Christmas time. You're a mean one, Mrs. Grinch.

D.J. Augustin, delusions of grandeur machine: Augustin, who played at Brother Martin High School in New Orleans before playing for Texas in college, got some big cheers and played a great game (career-high 28 points, 7 assists). But he went a little overboard with his postgame self-praise: "Everybody from New Orleans came to see me play and support me."

Byron Scott, quote machine: Regarding his team's last three wins against powder puff squads (Phoenix minus Steve Nash and Shaq, Memphis, and Charlotte minus Jason Richardson): "I don't care if five out of the seven teams were from the Louisiana high school district. It's still a win." That's true and all, but would he really not care if he was playing against high school teams? That doesn't seem very kosher.

Emeka Okafor: I'm thinking about replacing our lost "Yao Watch" with an "Okafor Watch." He played poorly (5 points, 2-for-6 from the field, 1-for-3 from the line, 4 turnovers) and once again failed to register an assist. His current numbers are: 740 minutes, 178 FGAs, 93 FTAs, 47 TOs, 7 ASTs and an Assist Percentage of 1.8.

Julian Wright: Scrubs like Wright have to pray for blowouts so they can show their stuff in garbage time. Well, he got the blowout and the garbage time. As for showing his stuff? Well, let's just say sometimes two out of three IS bad. Jules played five minutes and finished with zero points (0-for-3) and 1 foul, for a suck differential of +4. And that, my friend, is why you don't get any PT.

Peja Stojakovic: Nice face, Peja. This was sent in by both Sturla and Ricky, who said "The NBA: where having to play the Bobcats happens."

Sorry, Peja. But everybody has to play the 'Cats.
The Klahma City Thunder: When your sitting on -- or maybe I should say "sprawled semi-conscious on" -- two wins, you've got to take advantage of situations wherein a bad team comes into your house, especially when Antoine Walker is sitting on their bench. Last night, the Thunder did not, losing 108-102 to the Memphis Grizzlies. It was the first time this season the Griz managed back-to-back wins. And Nick Collison is starting to get pretty depressed. "It's the most miserable season I've ever been a part of: 2-21. It's tough. Hopefully we start winning and things will go a lot better."

Note: The Thunder have actually been playing better offensively lately, and last night, in addition to the points, they shot 51 percent from the floor and 57 from downtown. Even Kevin Durant (9-for-18) got into the act...even though he had more turnovers (6) than rebounds (5). They keep playing like that, and I might just give them their O's back. But only after they win one.

The Philadelphia 76ers: There's no shame in losing to the Cavaliers -- they're playing in God mode right now -- but, counting last night's loss, the Sixers have now dropped five straight games at home. At 5-7 in Philly, the Sixers are now one of only four Eastern Conference teams (along with the Bobcats and Wizards) who are below .500 at home so far this season. No wonder the Philadelphia crowd has been booing them and chanting "M-V-P!" for opposing players.

Donyell Marshall: From Basketbawful reader Sturla: "I accidentally stumbled upon Donyell Marshall's statistics for this season -- lets face it, after his major suckness during the last couple of years not even his closest family members would look at it on purpose -- and I noticed that in the five games he had played, he was averaging 7.6 points in only 10 minutes of action. That’s a whopping 30.4 points (along with 8.8 reb and 4.0 assists) per 40 mins. I wondered out loud "Why isn't this guy playing more minutes?!" He promptly answered my question with his 'performance' versus the Cavs: 3:35 minutes, 2 bricks and zero-in-everything-else. Still, I got the feeling he outplayed Elton Brand." Hey! Brand is, like, hurt and stuff.

Referee Pat Fraher: I'm not trying to make excuses for the Hawks. After all, when a team gets creamed 52-27 on the boards -- assuming they all still have two working arms -- they deserve to lose. However, Fraher dished up a little home cooking to facilitate things for the Spurs. With less than four minutes to play and San Antonio clinging to a precarious three-point lead, Fraher T'd up Mike Bibby and Al Horford for "arguing" a foul call on Horford. Said Bibby: "I didn't really say anything. If saying 'Come on, man,' deserves a tech, then I deserved the tech. I've heard a lot worse get told to people and (they've) not got a tech." Added Horford: "I said 'What happened?' to Mike because I didn't know what was going on. You've got a tight game going on -- a great game -- and you're going to blow it up doing that?" Bad form, Pat. Way to suck the fun out of playing basketball. (Mind you, Bibby didn't help his team's cause by shooting 3-for-11. I'm just sayin'.)

Tony Parker: Wow. TP shot 3-for-13 and had as many points (6) as he did blocks against (6). And for that matter, his assist total (3) also matched his turnover total (3). We already knew Eva took his manhood. Did she take away his game, too?

Bruce Bowen: At this point, he's almost a complete non-factor. It's like he retired after last season only nobody heard about it.

The Minnesota Timberwolves: Bad teams always seem to be followed by bad luck. The T-Wolves led by 12 at halftime before falling victim to a 33-point third quarter explosion by a gimpy Carmelo Anthony. Minny got outscored 40-22 in the quarter, and even though they made a run at Denver in the fourth, that 12-minute span cost them the game. Said Wolves coach Kevin McHale: "He got rolling. He put a show on in that third quarter." Amazingly, McHale managed to resist telling any old Celtic anecdotes.

By the way, 'Melo matched the one-quarter record set by George Gervin (then with the Spurs) against New Orleans on April 9, 1978. Anthony also broke the franchise record of 32 set by David Thompson against Detroit, also on April 9, 1978. Dismissed...as coincidence.

Chauncey Billups, forgetful machine: Regarding 'Melo's record-tying quarter, Mr. Big Shot said: "I've played against some great ones and played with some great ones. That's the best I've ever seen in a 12-minute span. He was awesome. He got us back in the game, got us a nice lead. Single-handedly put us on his back tonight and did what a lot of great players do." Huh. I guess he must have forgotten about this...


A little more impressive than spanking the Timberpups during the regular season, I think.

The Milwaukee Bucks: Not that the Bucks are, like, any good or anything, but losing by 20+ points to a team that just recently ended a league-best -- and by "best" I mean "worst" -- nine-game losing streak? This is how Michael Redd justified it: "They made their 3s and they played well, getting to the basket for easy layups. These were back-to-back games for us on the road, (and) for them, there's something about home cooking that energizes you. We'll stay positive and we'll stay focused. We had a good summer, and this is definitely not the way we wanted to go at the start. We need to turn that around." Yeah. Sure. Speaking of guys who had good summers, Andy Bogut (10 points, 9 rebounds, 3 turnovers, 4 fouls and a scoreless fourth quarter) got outplayed by Andris Biedrins (18 points, 14 rebounds, 4 blocked shots) only one night after getting man-dangled by Shaq (who had his first 30-point game in two seasons against Bogut's "defense"). Way to earn that big money, Andrew.

Anyway, the epitaph of the game came from Bucks coach Scott Skiles, who said: "We don't yet get how hard you have to play and how focused you have to be for a period of time to win an NBA game." HOW CAN THEY NOT KNOW THIS??! That's a pretty damning statement for everybody involved with the team, isn't it?

Steve Kerr: Congratulations, Steve. You have officially sucked the very last of the joy out of Steve Nash. I wasn't sure that was even possible. I'm a little torn on the Richardson trade. I mean, J-Rich can, unlike most of the Suns, create his own shot and he's shooting almost 46 percent in threes on the season. But he's also a guy who requires a lot of touches (and isolations) to score. Now he's gonna be the third or maybe even fourth banana on a team that's slowing it down. Oh, and all that slashing he likes to do? It's gonna be tough, what with Shaq and Sun Tzu hogging the paint. But whatever.

The real problem is that the cog that runs the Suns' big wheel is freaking depressed. After last night's game against the Lakers -- during which he shot 2-for-12 and looked like he was wading through Jell-O -- Nash admitted that: "I was pretty flat emotionally (in Wednesday's game). I had a tough one...I struggled. I was emotionally drained and just couldn't give the guys what they needed tonight to get the win." Of his dearly departed 'mates, he said: "It's tough. "While I'll welcome my new teammates with open arms, it's tough when you lose your best friend. It's tough when you lose two of your best buddies. It's tough and it hurts. It's tough." Of the Suns' now suddenly unknown future he said: "I hope this isn't a situation where they're just trying to blow us up. I think we have a chance to still be a really good team."

And they do, but Kerr and coach Terry Porter obviously want to start semi-fresh, which required dumping Bell and Boris Diaw, who were malcontents bordering on locker room cancers. They were longing for the old days, and Porter just wants to move on and, uh, establish whatever it is he's trying to establish.

And how knows? Maybe it's going to end up being the right move. But it sure doesn't seem like Kerr asked for, or cared to get, any input from his team's leader. And make no mistake, Nash -- not Amare, not Shaq -- makes this team run. That's bad ju-ju. Now, onto NBA "action"...

Suns versus Lakers: Since I'm pretty depressed about the now-complete end of the :07 Seconds or Less era (again), I'm gonna let Wild Yams handle this one: "Tomorrow the Suns and Lakers both deserve WOTNs. The Suns deserve it for figuring the best way to appease Amare's 'I need to be The Man' desires is to trade a couple role players for a guy (Jason Richardson) who's going to want to dominate the ball. Shaq and his predictions about what happens when you feed him the ball may have to take a backseat now that Phoenix has added another offensive option. The Lakers deserve a WOTN mention for barely beating a Suns team that was missing almost everyone. I don't think that's the game ESPN signed up for when they targeted that one for their TV schedule." Indeed.

Here's some more commentary from Clifton:

Just in from work. Al McCoy harped on the free-throw differential all night long; final count was Lakers 35 attempts, Suns 18, but it was worse at the half, something like 22-8. But seriously, in a non-backhanded way as is possible, this was the most impressive loss of the season, although it seemed like Phil Jackson started Luke Walton in a gesture of good sportsmanship towards the shorthanded Suns. UCLA burning a timeout early to compensate for USC losing one by rule because they wore their home reds on the road this past Saturday seems to have spread all over LA.

But it was a good game. The Suns scuffled and stayed close throughout, although the Lakers, for whatever reason, couldn't throw it in the ocean except for The Spanish Marshmallow, who went 11-14 from the field while yanking down 5 huge boards. *cough*

I don't know how well J-Rich was getting along in Bobcatville, but the Suns just unloaded a player who was becoming a huge locker-room cancer (Raja) and a player who has been one of the biggest underperformers since he signed his big contract (Diaw). The most intriguing part of the trade is that although the Suns gave up Sean Singletary in the deal, who looked like a better backup option than Goran Tragic (who, as usual, played 12 minutes and had one bucket for 2 points, although he did hand out 5 dimes), since they were already at the league minimum of 13 players and shipped out three while receiving two, they have one week to sign another player to get back to the league minimum. Unless Steve Kerr suddenly develops a glue-sniffing habit, it HAS to be a point guard. Who's out there and looking to prove they can do better than the Slovenly Slovenian?

Note: Kerr might be headed towards that glue habit already. From J-Dud's ESPN player profile: "I'm high on Dudley," general manager Steve Kerr said. "He's versatile and can guard multiple positions and play like a small four (power forward) or a big three (small forward)." So, he's already high on Dudley, which I guess is what the kids are calling it nowadays. Glue can't be far behind.

Amare Stoudemire: Seems like me and Andrew B. noticed the same thing: "Now I know Derek Fisher looks pretty buff, but did you see Amare flop to get the technical foul called in the third quarter? It's between the 7 and 6 minute mark. Derek Fisher slightly pushes off and Amare (who is 6'10"/249lbs) hits the floor like he got hit by a tree. Definitely Floptastic." Seriously. I'm not sure if Amare is married or has a girlfriend, but I hope that, if he does, she was embarrassed by that and offered to let her man wear a pair of her pinkest panties during the Suns' next game.


Vladimir Radmanovic: Wow. Not only did he go from starter to DNP-CD, he was replaced in the starting lineup by The Son of Walton...who himself was coming off a DNP-CD. Phil Jackson said he made the move to improve ball movement (which it did). And the move, ahem, kinda surprised Jackson's favorite space cadet. Said Vlad: "It's a big shock. Nobody said anything to me...I expected at least some explanation." Don't worry, Vlad. Yeah, it's hurtful and embarrassing, but you know, I'm sure you can still make meaningful contributions from the bench. After all, everyone's a hero...in their own way.


NBA.com's research department: Remember that torn Darko jersey I'm asking for? Basketbawful reader Baguete noticed something from the official auction site that's pretty funny: "'The winning bidder of this truly one-of-a-kind item will receive a personalized autograph from Milicic. Darko is in his second season with the Grizzlies after spending the previous four years splitting time between Orlando and Atlanta.' That's why the Grizzlies signed Darko! They must have confused him with someone else!"

Update! Kobe Bryant: Mamba is commish of a fantasy football league in which his team missed out on the playoffs on the final week of the regular season. He then used his power as commissioner to make a point adjustment that got him into the postseason. The team the got knocked out belonged to, of course, Luke Walton.

Labels: Animal Style, Indiana Pacers, Worst of the Night

Best Christmas gift ever.
The Memphis Grizzlies are auctioning off the jersey Darko Milicic ripped in half the other night! Oh yes they most certainly are:

MEMPHIS, December 9, 2008 — When the Memphis Grizzlies said that they were going to provide fans with the opportunity to bid on one-of-a-kind team memorabilia as part of their Online Auction Series, they weren’t kidding. On the auction block starting December 11 at 9 a.m. is the game worn jersey that Darko Milicic ripped in last night’s 109-97 win over the Houston Rockets.

Darko Milicic did his best Incredible Hulk impersonation during the third quarter of the Grizzlies second consecutive home victory last night. The remnants of the jersey, which include a rip down the center that is more than a foot and a half long, will include a personalized autograph from Milicic addressed to the highest bidder.

All proceeds from the online auction benefit the Memphis Grizzlies House at St. Jude Children’s Research Hospital. Grizzlies House has the capacity to serve up to 100 families each night and provides a free, safe and comfortable alternative to staying in a hotel.

I want it, I want it, I want it! (Even if, as J.E. Skeets noted, Darko was more "Hulk Hogan" than "Incredible Hulk.") Find out how you can get this for me here, or use conventional methods: e-mail auctions@grizzlies.com or call (901) 205-1254. I promise if you get it for me, I'll never wear anything else.

[Thanks to Kevin for the head's up.]

Labels: Christmas list, Darko, fan submissions

Could LeBron look any more bored on this dunk. It'slike he's thinking about his grocery list or something...
The Toronto Raptors: Well, well, well...maybe Sam Mitchell wasn't the problem after all. Since Toronto management launched Mitchell into low Earth orbit, the Raptors have gone 0-3, losing by a combined 48 points. Their latest 114-94 setback to the Cavaliers -- who apparently, as a team, swallowed one of those glowing Super Mario stars -- apparently illustrates where the dinos are as a team, as brilliantly summed up by interim coach Jay Triano: "We're on the list of teams where LeBron doesn't even have to play in the fourth quarter." Yup. Pretty much.

Jose Calderon (14 points) was the only Toronto starter to score in double figures. Chris Bosh ended his night with 9 points on 4-for-11 shooting, which you'll notice is hauntingly similar to the disappearing act he pulled in L.A. just over a week ago. Jermaine "The Drain" O'Neal was 2-for-6 with 6 turnovers, and he finished the game with fewer rebounds (4) than Calderon (5) despite playing eight more minutes. That's just the kind of night it was.

Quick sidenote on the Cavaliers: "In winning their ninth straight by at least 12 points, the Cavaliers, now 17-1 since Nov. 3, are the first team in league history to win nine consecutive games in a single season so handily. Cleveland came in tied with Portland (1990-91), Chicago (1996-97), Detroit (2003-04) and Houston (2007-08)." Uh, wow? I have to tell you, I did NOT foresee this kind of early dominance by Cleveland. It'll be interesting to see if they can maintain it. After all, two of the four teams mentioned in that quote -- the '90-91 Blazers and last year's Rockets -- didn't make it to the NBA Finals. (And, of course, Houston didn't even make it out of the first round.)

Allen Iverson's Detroit Pistons: That's what I'm callin' 'em from now on, because they've become a classic Iverson team: Soft and sub-.500. And, much to the woe of Pistion fans everwhere, the return of Tony McDyess didn't change a thing. The AIDP's have lost four of five and dropped to 7-9 since sending Mr. Big Shot to Denver for Not The Answer. And it looks like AI's starting to feel a little irritable about the early returns. Said Iverson: "It doesn't have anything to do with one player. It has to do with all of the players. I don't think one player has to do with having a 17-point lead, and then it dissolves like that." Well, snap, girlfriend! That's the most "defense" Allen's played since arriving in Detroit. But I'm sure he's right. I mean, the Pistons have only been winning 50+ games every season for most of the decade. I'm sure replacing their floor leader with a volume shooter who has a history of killing team chemistry has nothing to do with Detroit's seeming demise. Meanwhile, how 'bout those Nuggets...

Note also that Kwame Brown went from starting center to DNP-CD just like that. Amir Johnson and Jason Maxiell didn't play either, and Aaron Afflalo finished with zero points (0-for-2) in almost 18 minute of PT. The Detroit Zoo Crew: RIP.

My damn eyes: The only thing that taints the Wizards' win -- besides three members of the starting lineup combining for 5 points on 2-for-12 shooting -- is this, er, video (from Mr. Irrelevant via Ball Don't Lie): I'm Gay (For Gilbert Arenas). Classic lines include "Me and my penis love Gilbert Arenas" and...you know what, just watch it.


The Minnesota Timberwolves' free throw shooting: McHale's Navy missed 16 in all (27-for-43). Rookie Kevin Love went 2-for-9, including four misses in the final three minutes that left the door wide open for the Jazz to come back. Which, of course, they did.

Still, at least the 'Wolves showed a little spunk last night, and Rashad McCants was make a not-so-subtle dig on his old coach, Randy Wittman, after the game: "When I turned the ball over, I'm so used to coming out of the game. Then I looked over and saw [new coach Kevin McHale] clapping and saying, 'Come on, get the next one.' It gives you confidence." That's the same thing I tell my buddies when they get dissed by a girl when we're out at the bars. Doesn't seem to give them a lot of confidence, though.

Kevin McHale, partial quote machine: McFail noted that his team looked "beaten down" with a "black cloud hanging over it" after losing by a combined 52 points in the previous two games. Which is totally, 100 percent correct...if you replace "the previous two games" with "the previous 14 years." Oh, and black cloud is shaped like a skinny, 6'11" Herman Munster.

Jerry Sloan, quote machine: Is it just me or has anybody else noticed that Sloan's attitude is strangely similar to Eeyore, the perpetually gloomy donkey from Winnie the Pooh? (Yes, I just made a Winnie the Pooh reference. So what?) After celebrating his 20th year as coach of the Jazz, Sloan was asked if he might be around for another double decade. "Twenty more years? I don't know about 20 more minutes." He was in much the same mood before the game, when somebody inquired about how long he was planning to continue coaching. "How do you know? I might wake up tomorrow morning and not feel very good, say, 'This is time for me to get out.' I have no idea. As far as the future's concerned, I've always taken it day by day. They might want to fire me. Even though they haven't thus far, who's to say they might come up and say, 'Well, it's time for us to go a different direction.' I would not have a problem with that. I just don't want to read about it in the paper." Well, thanks for that, Mr. Grumpy McGrumpenstein. Chase any "durn kids" off your property lately?

Deron Williams, quote machine: It's pretty clear Sloan's crochety attitude has rubbed off on his players. When asked whether it was important for the team to win on Sloan's anniversary, Deron Williams said: "We need a win regardless of anniversaries, birthdays, Christmas, Hannukah. We just need wins and road wins. We know he doesn't care, so we don't care." Saucer or milk, table two, please.

Brian Cardinal: Almost four minutes and 1 turnover for The Custodian. (Suck differential +1.) I thought custodians were supposed to clean up messes, not make them.

Brevin Knight: I noticed this in the AP game notes: "Jazz G Brevin Knight played after being listed as questionable with a bruised right vocal chord." And I was like, eh? So I looked into it. Here's the skinny: "Brevin Knight was back at practice Monday, though his voice sounded more like a croak. Knight spent Saturday night in a Phoenix hospital for observation after he was elbowed in the windpipe by Goran Dragic in the first quarter of the Jazz's loss. Knight said it was the first time he had ridden in an ambulance, the first time he'd been to the emergency room and the first time he'd spent the night in an intensive care unit. 'It was a little nerve-wracking, especially when they tell you you can't fly for the risk that it'll fully close up,' Knight said." Yikes. Who knew? (Well, besides probably thousands of doctors and the patients who have suffered a bruised vocal cord...)

New York versus Chicago: I don't know what was worse: Spending two-plus hours watching the Knicks and Bulls engage in an alternating battle of Sloppy Offense versus Indifferent Defense or spending two-plus hours listening to Neil Funk and Stacy King talk about said battle. The whole "you score then we'll score then you score then..." mentality led to a near triple-double for Chris Duhon (15 points, 14 assists, 9 rebounds) and almost 200 combined shots between both teams. And even the refs got caught up in the general laziness of the night: Ben Gordon committed two faily obvious double-dribble violations that went uncalled despite the fact that both happened right in front of an official...and one of them allowed him to blow right past Duhon for an easy layup. Duhon complained, of course, but you know how well that works. Anyway, Drew Gooden scored a season-high 22 points on mostly uncontested shots and Larry Hughes put the Knicks down for good with a dagger three late in the game. Said Hughes: "I'm not going to turn them down. It's going to be one of two things. It's going to go in or it's not. As long as it's a good look and one of my teammates finds me, I'm definitely willing to take the shot." So Hughes is willing to take shots?! I can't believe it!

By the way, King is now referring to Hughes as "Big Shot Larry." Yeah.

The Atlanta Hawks: The dirty birds coughed up an 8-point fourth quarter lead, thanks in part to poor shooting (39 percent) and the beating they took on the boards (57-40). Said coach Mike Woodson: "It was like we went up by eight, and we got very happy -- like the game was already over. They came back and we had no answer for them." Whoa. It's like Mike's suggesting that the team's past problems -- specifically focus, maturity, and possibly coaching -- are still, you know, problems. Or something.

Mario West and Solomon Jones: The two men were Mario Brothers -- which I guess makes Solomon "Luigi" -- since they each logged a 46-second Mario last night. However, whereas Solomon simply went zero-for-everything, Mario finished 0-for-1 with an assist. And that missed shot was blocked. As Bret LaGree put it: "Given the chance to stretch his legs for 46 whole consecutive seconds, Mario West's lone, blocked shot attempt was a wild, out-of-nowhere dunk attempt. Futile, but no less so than the Hawks' offense once Ron Artest re-entered the game in the fourth quarter." On the subject of that block on Mario...

Update! Carl Landry: As Chuck DeBruce said: "Carl Landry is a heartless man. Blocking poor Mario 'The Mario' West with 38 seconds left, being up by 10?! Come on, Carl, he's Mario West! Have mercy!" Indeed. CBS Sportsline felt so much pity they didn't even mention the block in their "full" play-by-play. Or their shot chart.

Why, Carl? Why?! Hasn't Mario suffered enough?
San Antonio versus Dallas: Most compelling evidence that the Mavs weren't playing any defense? As Basketbawful reader Garron pointed out: "In 58 minutes of action, the Spurs comitted only 6 turnovers." Most compelling evidence the Spurs weren't playing any defense? Jason Kidd scored a season-high 24 points on 10-for-15 shooting. The two teams combined to score 259 points on 50 percent shooting (97-for-193). Sure, the double-overtime thing padded those numbers, but still. I mean, Matt Bonner went 5-for-5 -- including 3-for-3 from downtown -- for 13 points, which I'm assuming is a career-high. (Don't bother to correct me. It's Matt Bonner. I don't care.)

HOWEVER...I know I'm putting this in Worst of the Night, but I can tell you this: I would much rather see Spurs game that ends 133-126 than 82-79. So by all means, guys, please continue not playing defense.

Tony Parker, back-handed compliment machine: Regarding J.J. Barea, who scored 21 points (8-for-16) and had a fourth-quarter stretch of 11 straight points created, eight by himself -- including a drive at Duncan and another around Parker -- and a drive-and-dish feed to Kidd for a three-pointer: "It was weird for us. We never saw them play like that. (Barea's) a little like Steve Nash, dribbling 100 times. Sometimes it's tough to guard him because you don't know what he's going to do." Oh, so THAT'S why he burned you, Tony? Thanks for the explanation. I thought it was because you were playing "French Surrender" defense. My bad. Speaking of bad defense...

The Milwaukee Bucks: Not only did Shaq score 30+ points for the first time since the 2006-07 season, the Suns scored 125 points on 59 percent shooting...including 74 points on almost 70 percent sniping in the first half. When asked about his team's defense, Bucks coach Scott Skiles said: "Terrible is the first word that comes to mind, but it wasn't that good. So come up with something else." Well, how about terrifying, frightening, appalling, fearful, awesome, horrifying, ghastly, awe-inspiring, petrifying, revolting, gruesome, shocking, unnerving; see also frightful.

Shaq, deluded quote machine: Shaq scored a season-high 35 points against the Bucks, which only served to fuel the flames of the ego fire raging in the forest of his mind. Said the Big Gimme The Ball: "They keep feeding me like that, those are the type of numbers that they can expect out of me. But sometimes I get those shots and sometimes I don't." He just really doesn't get it, does he? But hey, I can't talk. After all, as Shaq said yesterday on his Twitter: "If you have done less than what i have done, how can u comment on what more needs 2 happen Shaquille oneal."

Leandro Barbosa's defense: As Basketbawful reader Sturla said: "Shouldn't Barbosa have his hand in the OTHER guys face, or have I been playing defence wrong all those years." Wait, Sturla. You've been playing defense? See, that's your problem. Remember, in pickup ball (because that's what I assume you're talking about), it's the first team to 11 points, not 11 steals/blocks/etc.

No, no, no, Leandro. That hand goes in the OTHER guy's face.
Tyronn Lue: He played just over two minutes and finished with a rebound. That's it. The performance, such as it was, illicited the following comment from Clifton:

"Oft-forgotten fact: Before the Suns committed to buying out Dragic's Euro contract and bringing him into camp this season, earlier in the summer they actively pursued Tyronn Lue as Nash's backup, seeming incredibly disappointed when he signed with Milwaukee. To be honest, I'm not sure if he would have been an improvement over Dragic at this point. A season chock-full of lack-tion so far continues for Lue, who played two blowout minutes for the Bucks and picked up a rebound to avoid trillionation. On Sunday versus the Lakers, he picked up 21 minutes of garbage time (also after that one was clearly decided -- remember Sun Yue getting in the game?), and Lue went 3-11 from the floor, scoirng 10, and 'contributing' 2 boards and 3 ASTs -- most of this while the Lakers were not playing defense.

"'Course, Draggy played 8 minutes tonight and contributed 0 points (0-2 FG) and 1 of everything else (rebound, asist, steal, turnover, foul). So tomorrow night, a tired Nash and no Shaq (not only the second of a back-to-back, but he'll be attending a family funeral) versus the Lake Show...hmm. And guess who gets to listen at work again? It'll be you and me, Al McCoy."

Yup. That promises to be an ugly one. Especially since L.A. dropped a shocker to the Kings last night. More on that below.

Garbage shots: The Orlando Magic's miraculous 109-108 comeback win over the Trail Blazers in Portland was aided and abbetted by a trio of three-pointers in the last two minutes...the last of which was a 25-footer that Hedo "The Turkish Assassin" Turkoglu banked in with 0.3 seconds left. Here it is:


Let me just point out the obvious here: Nobody ever intends to bank a three from straight away. Nobody. Never. It's an accident 100 percent of the time, unless you're attempting a trick shot in HORSE. Losing on a banked triple from the top of the key -- and trust me, it's happened to me countless times in pickup ball -- is one of the most agonizing ways to drop a ballgame. And Magic coach Stan Van Gundy, who's always quick with a quip, knows it: "That was just brilliant, brilliant coaching down the stretch. If you're [the Blazers], you've got to roll your eyes, because we threw one in." Of course...

The Portland Trail Blazers: They sort of have nobody to blame but themselves. The Blazers went 0-for-4 and committed two turnovers in the final two minutes, including a 24-second violation with five seconds left that set up Hedo's Miracle.

Dwight Howard: As Basketbawful reader Inverno pointed out, Superman couldn't contain LaMarcus Aldridge (25 points, 12-for-17, 13 rebounds) and even had a baby hook attempt stuffed by Aldridge in the fourth. (That was one of three blocks against Howard on the night.) He was also held to a season-low 7 rebounds. (Whoa. That's a season LOW?!) I wonder how he'll look against Shaq on Friday.

The Los Angeles Lakers: So I was perusing the NBA Power Rankings at Ball Don't Lie yesterday when I read the following blurb: "To be completely honest, this team is probably ranked too high. Kobe's such a ballhog, Phil Jackson's never had to coach a team without stars, and Andrew Bynum's real age is 34. Also, the Lakers might not lose again for the rest of the year." Before I could even consider the tired use of the "Kobe's a ballhog/Jackson's never had to blah, blah, blah" reverse sarcasm, I immediately thought: "Huh. Stat curse. Bet the Lakers lose their next game." Then I checked the schedule and saw they were playing the Kings. But I was confident: The stat curse rarely lets me down. And it came through yet again last night.

Just like when L.A. dropped on to the Pacers, their 113-101 loss to the Kings -- Sactown's first win in the last nine games -- was a classic case of a really good team overlooking a lesser opponent. And Lamar Odom knows it. "We came in here thinking we were going to win, and we didn't respect our opponent. You've got to play with a certain energy. If you don't you could lose to Westchester High School." Probably an overstatement, but I agree with his sentiment.

Luke Walton: The Son of Walton logged another rugged DNP-CD during a game in which even Chris Mihm and Josh Powell played a couple of minutes. Did he slash Phil Jackson's tires or something? Sleep with Jeannie Buss? What happened?!

Kobe Bryant: After shooting 9-for-25 and taking way too many threes (as he always seems to do in a Lakers loss), Mamba was feeling extra surley in the L.A. locker room. After several minutes of intense silence, he finally said: "You know what? I need an Ahmad Rashad. Who wants to be my Ahmad Rashad? What about you, Luke? You ain't doing anything. Wanna start putting together Inside Stuff: Part II?" Then Luke began to cry.

NBA.com: Basketbawful reader Dan was quick to point out a snark-inducing snafu after last night's Lakers-Kings game: "At the end of the 113-101 Sacto win over the Lakers, NBA.com has its usual team names, logos, and final score posted as well as a list of players who produced, but in Sacramento's case, you can clearly see the Dallas Mavericks logo. Apparently the Sacramento Kings also underwent a name change after their victory as they were incorrectly labelled as Sacto Rockets." Ryan G. Ryan M. also noticed this. "Not only do they get the team name wrong, but then they get the logo wrong, but with a different team than the first error. Sacramento has decided to change their name to the Rockets, but then change their colors and uniforms to match the Mavs. They need to pick one Texas team and stick with it! (Side note: if you take out Brad Miller and maybe Bobby Jackson, I'd be willing to bet the casual NBA fan would have no idea who the Lakers played!)" Here's the faux pas, in all its glory:

The Sacramento Dallas Rockets. Wait...what?!
Note: You'll notice based on the strikethrough above that I accidentally mis-attributed a quote from Ryan M. to a "Ryan G." That was a typo. My bad. So this message is to Ryan's friends, who apparently didn't believe that quote belonged to him. Why would he lie to you? Don't taze him, bros.

Marc Gasol, unintentionally dirty quote machine: This is a day late, but well worth it. Here are some words about that Rockets-Grizzlies game from Marc's Yahoo! Player Profile: "Marc Gasol's assignment is to bang with opposing big bodies in the paint. In this case, Gasol hammered on Yao Ming all night, holding him to 14 points and four rebounds. 'It's hard to ride him all the time, but that was the game plan,' said Gasol, who had 10 points, eight rebounds, three blocked shots, three steals and three aasists. 'I got him a little tired.'" I wonder how Yao's wife feels about that. Maybe she gave him one of those "once a year" deals like AK-47 has.

Labels: Atlanta Hawks, Chicago Bulls, Cleveland Cavaliers, Dallas Mavericks, Detroit Pistons, fan submissions, my damn eyes, New York Knicks, San Antonio Spurs, Toronto Raptors

The most common complaint leveled against this site by the various anti-me critics out there is this: "Did you even watch the game?" I have been asked that question, or some variation thereof, hundreds, maybe even thousands of times. In order to clear up any future confusion, here's the answer: Yes, I did in fact watch the game. It doesn't matter what game you're talking about, I watched it. I find time to eat, drink, commute into and out of Chicago, work my full-time Clark Kent job, manage two blogs and write the occasional post for Deadspin, play in pickup leagues two or three nights a week, run, bike, work on increasing my vertical leap, have a social life, help the elderly across the street, put out forest fires and watch every single NBA game every night.

I know, I know. I'm amazing. You don't have to tell me. I live this life.

Now, you're probably wondering how I manage to do all that without the aid of a Dr. Horrible-style Freeze Ray or a time-traveling DeLorean. Well, it's like this: I exist on what you'd call a "limited sleeping schedule." Basically, I nap for 20 minutes here and there, every couple days or so. This means that those rare free moments when I have the chance for a little shuteye are drastically important. And that's why I'm asking you, dear readers, to consider donating one of personkind's most ingenious inventions: The Vertical Bed.

Asleep. Yet standing up. And looking cool while doing it.
And here's the full description:

Vertical Bed is a sort of static prostheses that allows a person to fall asleep in a standing position. By bolting into cracks between the sidewalks, subway grates, or other rigid contact points, the suit will support it’s wearer with a minimum of visible hardware or occupied space, holding the sleeper’s weight with concealed harnesses. One-sided privacy will be achieved through noise canceling headphones and double-mirrored sunglasses. Additionally, an umbrella will clip in the rigid infrastructure for shelter. The project is designed for the visual performance of an alternate way of occupying urban space, born partly out of fantasies of minimal need and elegant futurism, and partly out of fears of the dehumanization of space. Occupants will absorb the vertical structure of urban architecture into their bodies.

The vertical sleeper is in a constant state of readiness, never succumbing to collapse. Homelessness is most often marked by the forbidden act of lying down on the sidewalk, an act that the vertical bed circumvents. The vertical bed will imply a streamlined, rather than failed, infrastructure. All of the components of the bed will store beneath a suit and within a business-person’s briefcase, using the proliferation of autonomous consumer devices to achieve a more true autonomy. By hiding in the open, the vertical sleepers forgo even the need for a phone booth to enact their super-hero transformations, in a sense, absolving themselves of the need for secret identities.

Stand-up sleeping, social change and superheroics. Need I say more? Well, I will anyway: The Vertical Bed can be stripped down and stored in a suitcase...which means that, as long as your feeble arms can carry a medium-sized piece of luggage, a short nap will never be more than several minutes worth of complicated construction away!

It also transforms into a crime-fighting robot.But, uh, some assembly is required.

Labels: Christmas list, crazy inventions, vertical bed

Note: The steaming portrait of man love displayed above was provided by J Men.

Darko Milicic: I was a little late getting to last night's games, and when I finally got to the computer I had two Darko-related emails. The first, from Brian S., said: "One minute, 24 seconds into the game, WHILE THE ANNOUNCERS ARE SAYING HOW WELL HE GUARDS YAO, Darko has committed 2 fouls and is now out of the game. He can't even do well during the 1 minute and 24 seconds people are talking nicely about him." This was almost immediately followed by a very excited email from Quinton A., which said: "DUDE!!!! MILICIC!!!! JERSEY!!!! Just coming out of halftime, Darko picked up his fourth foul gaurding Yao, which he responded to by promptly getting a tech then going to the bench and ripping his jersey straight down the middle, Serbian Superman style." Oh yes he most certainly did.


Darko finished with 5 points, 5 rebounds, 5 fouls, and two jersey halves in 10 minutes. Although Victor correctly pointed out that: "Poor Darko. That's 15 and 15 if you extrapolate to 30 minutes!" He only needed more time. Alas. Also, Trev provided the following graphic, which he found on SpursTalk.com: The Incredible Darko. You wouldn't like him when he's angry. Or, frankly, any other time.


The Houston Rockets: They were down 32-19 after one quarter. To the Memphis Grizzlies. From that point forward, it was an uphill battle...which they lost, mostly on the defensive end, where they gave up 51 percent shooting and 109 points while forcing only 6 turnovers (only one more than Dwyane Wade had by himself against the Bobcats).

Said Rockets coach Rick Adelman: "They were the aggressors all the way. They got the rebounds and got to the basket. They just outworked us. They came out much more aggressive to start the game." True enough.

Mind you, there were some circumstances. Ron Artest missed the game with a sore right foot. Tracy McGrady, of course, is still out with that sore left knee. Oh, and Brent Barry was in civvies due to a right leg injury. In total, the Rockets had only 10 players in uniform...including Steve Francis, who hasn't played all year but still managed to have his picture taken last night. Here it is:

Steve Francis: More jerseys chewed on (1) than minutes played (0) this season.
Luther Head: With all the missing peeps, Head got what was, for him, some extended PT last night (24 minutes). His response: 2 points on 1-for-8 shooting, an assist and a foul. Oh, and one of his shots was stuffed. Glad to see you making the most of the opportunity, Luther.

Jason Richardson: He led his team with 24 points and hit four of his five three-point attempts. Here's the "but": He missed two free throws that would have tied the game with 32.3 seconds left. Said J-Rich: "Anything could have happened had I made those free throws." True. Sort of like how I could be playing in the NBA right now...if I was Dwyane Wade. Or, to be fair, even if I was Mark Blount (who was 0-for-1 and finished with a rebound in just under three minutes of lack-tion last night).

I should also point out that, late in the game, with his team in the midst of six straight misses, Yakhouba Diawara covered Richardson like a 10-ton blanket, forcing him into an uuuuugly shot as the shot clock buzzed. And, uh, it didn't go in.

Emeka Okafor: Toll the bells! Throw some confetti! Emeka registered his 7th assist of the season last night! The numbers now read: 21 games started, 712 minutes played, 172 field goals attempted, 90 free throws attempted, 43 turnovers committed and 7 assists dished out. And, according to Basketball-Reference.com, Okafor easily has the fewest assists of any player who has logged at least 600 minutes this season. The next guy is Luc Mbah a Moute Jean Luc Richard, who has 20 assists in 602 minutes. He also has the lowest Assist Percentage -- which measures the percentage of teammate field goals assisted while on the court -- by a lot: Okafor is at 1.9 percent and the next guy, Udonis Haslem, is at 5.2 percent. (Haslem has 24 assists in 740 minutes.)

And Yinka Dare's soul rests peacefully.

Update! In the spirit of dissing Emeka, Murcy nominated last night's posterization by Dwyane Wade. Initially, I left this out because D-Wade has been posterizing the entire league lately. However, I changed my mind both because of how helpless Okafor looked during the play and because Murcy knows how to rock the pirate hook.


Daequan Cook: Got this email from Tom of Clutch City Hoops: "Daequan Cook: nine trillion. Killed my fantasy team." I don't know what mystifies me more: How Cook managed to do nothing in nine minutes of PT or why Tom has Daequan on his fantasy team.

Michael Beasley: My preseason pick for ROY had his second straight single-figure scoring game with 9 points on 4-for-13 shooting to go along with 6 rebounds and an assist. My contention that the Bulls should have taken Beasley over Rose is looking more laughable by the game. Speaking of Rose...

Derrick Rose: He didn't play yesterday (the Bulls had no game) and, in fact, he didn't practice either. Why, you ask? Because, as many of you have pointed out in comments, emails, and smoke signals, Rose cut himself under the elbow on his left forearm. In bed. From a knife he used to slice an apple. Said Rose: "Silly accident this morning. I went to get a bottle of water, forgot the knife was there and sat down and sliced my arm. I panicked when it first happened. I called [Bulls trainer Fred Tedeschi]. We got it stitched up about 8 [a.m.]. It was a large wound, but they healed it up. I'm good. I could have practiced, but they told me to wait until [today]. I can still dribble, shoot, do all that stuff. I'm hoping they'll let me play."

Of course, a lot of people are already questioning what "really" happened, since Rose's story sounds too bizarre to be true (kind of like the time I got run over by a horse while riding my bike). But, in my experience, it's the weird stories that totally ARE true. And Rose isn't worried about what other people think. "It's the truth, so I'm not worried about [people not believing him]. I called my mom, and she was like, what are you doing? It was just a freak accident. I was very scared. I'm going to get somebody else to cut [the apple]. I'm not cutting it no more." Ah, to live in a world where, after a freak apple-cutting accident, you can respond not by simply being more careful next time, but by hiring someone to peel apples for you for the rest of your life. Awesome.

Anyway, I will soon be adding this to my comprehensive list of stupid basketball injuries. I'm thinking it could be a Top 5er. Easily. Without question.

The Klahma City Thunder: Holy rusted metal, Batman. The Golden State Warriors, losers of nine straight games, stumbled into the Thunder's home arena without their two leading scorers -- Stephen Jackson (20.1 PPG) and Corey Maggette (19.1) both sat out with injuries -- and it didn't matter. They won anyway. The Thunder are just that bad. The Warriors played eight guys, seven of which scored in double figures...and the eighth guy, Ronny Turiaf, finished with 9. The Thunder were down by as many as 21 in the second quarter and by 19 at halftime. They tried to rally, but of course that rally came up short. Kevin Durant, who played great (41 points, 10 rebounds) against the Warriors non-defense, said: "In this league, when you get down by 20 it's hard to come back." Wow! His basketball IQ is off the charts!

Meanwhile, Golden State's sad season was best summed up by Don Nelson, who had this to say after his team beat the 2-20 Thunder: "We didn't win the world championship but it sure felt like it." And that's what we call "lowered expectations," folks.

Animal stylin': Basketbawful reader Josh wrote in about Dwight Howard using what will soon become a Word of the Day: "Dwight Howard sent the Los Angeles Clippers home with another L tonight courtesy of one of his patented "Double-Double Animal Styles": 23 points, 22 boards and for the F of it he tossed in 6 blocked shots. He's starting to make this routine..." You heard it here first, people. 20/20 aren't just MAN-type games, anymore. They're Animal Styles! Rowr! Speaking of the Clips...

The Los Angeles Clippers: Meh. They are who we thought they were.

Kobe Bryant: Mamba forced his daughters to sing a self-penned song until their little voices were hoarse and raspy. The lyrics? "Ko-BE, if I could BE Ko-BE! Gotta BE gotta BE Ko-BE! Ko-BE, if I could BE Ko-BE!"

Labels: Darko, Emeka Okafor, fan submissions, Houston Rockets, Jason Richardson, Oklahoma City Thunder, Steve Francis, Worst of the Night

Caron Butler: The Wizards came back from a 20-point hole and trailed by 2 in the closing seconds. Interim coach Ed Tapscott put the ball in Caron Butler's hands and gave him the green light to create or take the final shot. Which is what Tough Juice did...after dribbling out most of what was left on the clock. And Tapscott, in his own special passive-aggressive way, admitted that Butler's time management could have been a little better. "We shot it 2 seconds too late. If he squeezes it off 2 seconds earlier, we might still be playing."

Naturally, Butler saw things differently. "Nah, you know, I thought I took it just in time, because -- clean look, and if it went in, game was over. You didn't want it to be one of those situations in which the shot goes in, you've got a second left, and the best closer in basketball is at the other end, you know, asking for the ball. So it was like one of those situations -- you want the time to run out and hit the shot and run to the locker room with your hands up."

Uh, if I was on a 3-14 team I would want any kind of win in any kind of situation. I also need to mention that Butler eschewed driving for a game-tying two-pointer and instead launched a three-ball over Trevor Ariza, who according to most forms of statistical measurement is tall. But whatever. Good teams find ways to win, and bad teams find ways to lose. Speaking of which...

Washington Wizards: When I gave their record, I should have preceded it with "an Eastern Conference worst." Oh, this is the first time the franchise has been 3-14 since the 1966-67 season, when they were the Baltimore Bullets.

Washington fans: Chanting "M-V-P!" for Kobe? Really, Washington fans?

Phil Jackson, the eternal pessimist Part I: The Lakers improved to 16-2 but almost blew a 20-point lead, which left Jackson short on Zen. Regarding the scare put into his team by the 3-14 Wizards, Phil said: "Poor coaching. That's what it was tonight. Putting too much trust and faith in a younger group -- a second unit. They just can't hold it on the road. They can't withstand the fury or the intensity of the fourth quarter. I'm going to have to change it up a little bit."

Luke Walton: Luke's post-stalker decline continues -- he had a four trillion against the Wizards. I never knew having a stalker could rattle him so badly. Did she do things to him we haven't heard about? Dark, unspeakable things?

DeShawn Stevenson: He had 3 points (1-for-4) in 24 minutes. And, in case you haven't noticed, he's been playing poorly all season (8.3 PPG, 2.3 RPG, 3.7 APG and 32 percent shooting). Could this be the continuing fallout from his foolish attempts to take on LeBron mano a mano in last season's playoffs? I tend to think so. LeBron must have caused some kind of internal damage to DeShawn, rearranged his insides or something. For all we know, he might have to breath out of his pancreas now.

The Klama City Thunder: "An NBA-worst 2-18" sounds bad. And it is. But Kevin Durant, who had one of his signature 5-for-18 shooting nights, sounds pretty upbeat for somebody stuck on such a 'bawful team. "We see ourselves getting closer." Closer to what, exactly, Kevin?

J.J. Redick, quote machine: Regarding the Magic's win over the Thunder: "This isn't a game we'll look fondly on at the end of the year. [Coach Stan Van Gundy] talked to us about losing our minds. We have to find our minds." Uh...oooookay.

LeBron James and the Cleveland "tough guy" treatment: King James beat Danny Granger on a drive, and Granger grabbed his right arm to keep him from scoring an easy bucket. LeBron responded by pulling one of those pansy "I'm going to shove you with my forearm while I'm facing the other way" moves, then Zydrunas Ilgauskas shambled up to put his egg-shaped mug in Troy Murphy's face and Mo Williams tried to stare down the Pacers before shaking his head to say "We're not backing down from anybody." What a bunch of drama queens. If Bill Laimbeer had been watching this game, I guarantee he would have kicked his television in disgust. Here's the video:


The Indiana Pacers: As a postscript to the that "heated confrontation," the Pacers came 25 points short of becoming the only team to beat the Celtics, Cavs and Lakers this season. But at least they don't have to complain about losing another close game.

The Minnesota Timberwolves: Losing by 29 points always hurts. But even worse is the "We've already kinda given up on the season" vibe I'm getting from this team right now.

Al Harrington and Chris Duhon: The Knicks were down 3 points to the Hawks in Atlanta, but they had the ball and a chance to tie things up in the final seconds. Naturally, they failed in a typically embarrassing (read that: Knick-like) fashion: After a timeout, Harrington eschewed an open shot to drive and kick it out to Duhon, who himself passed up an open shot and shoveled it back to Harrington, who was had forced to rush up a last-second three that wasn't even close. It was a classic case of NBA hot potato, where nobody wanted to take the final shot. Check it (at the 1:57 mark):


Duhon admitted afterward that he should have taken the shot. "I just hesitated. I saw them coming at me real fast. For whatever reason, I just didn't shoot the ball. I should have shot the ball. It was a great play." Harrington also suffered some post-game non-shooter's remorse: "It was designed for me to catch and shoot. It was a great play, because I was open. I don't know, I just, when I turned and looked, I didn't feel comfortable enough so I tried to get it to somebody else." Fail.

The Los Angeles Clippers: The Clips (3-16) drop one to the Griz (5-14). Again I say: Fail. Said Clippers coach Mike Dunleavy: "Our turnovers really hurt us tonight; 17 turnovers for 23 points. We just got killed on the boards. Their size really hurt us. We were only able to get three offensive rebounds on the night, and that's not a good number for us." There are no good number for you, Mike. None.

The Portland Trail Blazers: Remember how, prior to Friday night's game, it was reported that Portland was hungry for payback after Boston swept last season's two-game series? And how Channing Frye said, "The Celtics, they irritate everybody"? Well, as noted, players and teams shouldn't go tugging on Superman's cape. The Blazers got spanked, plain and simple, once the Celtics turned up the defensive heat in the second and third quarters. Said Blazers coach Nate McMillan: "We have got to get better. This is the type of basketball that you are going to be facing going down the stretch. Physical play like this, we've got to be able to mentally and physically play it."

Big Baby, the big baby: After Boston's starters had built a big lead, the Boston reserves sort of let Portland back into the game. During a timeout, Kevin Garnett grabbed Glen Davis by the arm and gave him a little ear candy, after which Davis sat on the bench with a towel over his head trying not to cry.


Afterwards, KG was asked about what happened. "I'll probably get real deep with him. Try to understand what he's going through right now, research the problem. But Baby is frustrated a little bit with some of what we are doing. He just has to understand his role and not come outside of it."

This is how Baby explained it: "I'm not embarrassed. I'm not embarrassed at all. I'm emotional about the game. That's one of my best features -- being emotional, playing out there with passion. Sometimes it's not always good passion. Sometimes it's bad, but that's just me being young. You have to learn how to funnel that emotion and keep it inside until you put it out. We had to call a timeout because of the lack of intensity we were bringing on the floor. And I was mad at myself that I had a big part (in that). I feel like I have a big part of funneling the defense and bringing the energy to the time. I held myself high and my teammates held me high and accountable for that. I'm just an emotional player, man. I kind of catch myself wanting to be perfect a lot, and I can't be perfect, so I kind of get upset with myself. I am an emotional guy. It's one of my upsides and my downfalls, you know?"

And this is what Doc Rivers had to say on the subject of crying: "If you took a charge in my career from (Charles) Barkley, you probably cried afterward." Awesome. Too bad Baby didn't take a charge from Sir Charles.

The Detroit Pistons: The struggles continue for the Pistons, who lost at home to the sub-.500 Sixers...mostly 'cause they got drilled by the heretofore comatose Donyell Marshall, who scored 8 fourth-quarter points, including a go-ahead 3-pointer with 35 seconds left. Said Allen Iverson: "We played three good quarters, but the fourth quarter is winning time and we didn't play well in the fourth. I definitely want to win against that team, because I played with those guys for so long, but the reason this one hurts is because this game should have never come down to the end." Maybe AI just can't help losing when the Sixers are around. Who knows?

The Golden State Warriors: The losing streak reached eight against the Rockets, and Don Nelson got himself ejected...probably because he needed a beer really badly. And you can't really blame him. The Warriors are now 5-14.

The Toronto Raptors: Well, Sam what's-his-name is finally gone and...nothing's changed. In fact, you could argue things got worse, since the Raptors lost by 29 to the still Carlos Boozer-less Jazz. Said new coach Jay Triano: "We have been through a lot in the last couple of days, trying to relearn things. I think until it becomes a natural thing for us to just flow, we are going to look a little lethargic like that. They were trying to do what we asked them to, so I applaud that." Clap, clap, clap...wait a second, Jay. What do you mean "relearn"? You still score by putting the ball in the basket. You're telling me Mitchell took that secret with him out the door? Really?

Kobe Bryant: Mamba ate all the pepperonis off of Luke Walton's giant slice of pizza. When Luke tried to protest, Kobe just said" "Tell you what? I'll give you back one pepperoni for each point you scored toni...oh, sorry!"


The Charlotte Bobcats: After a 20-point home loss to the Cavaliers in which his team shot 36 percent and committed 9 turnovers, Larry Brown was pissed: "Tonight I don't even think we competed a lick. That's difficult for me. I thought almost every shot we took was just something they were hoping would go in the basket." Wow. Them's quittin' words.

The Klama City Thunder: Another night at the office, another winless weekend for the "NBA-worst" 2-19 Thunder. Said Thunder coach Scott Brooks: "Our guys fought and competed. We came up short. Not one guy in there is happy with moral victories. We have enough of those." I'm sorry, Scott, but 2-19 teams don't have any victories, moral or otherwise. In fact, As of right now I'm revoking the two wins you DO have. You're 0-21 to me.

The Philadelphia 76ers: The Elton Brand experiment sure seems more like a Frankenstein type of thing than, uh, an experiment that doesn't creat a monster that destroys its creator. The latest home defeat dropped the 76ers to 9-12, and only 5-6 in Philadelphia. They Deep-Sixers shot 36 percent, and while you can't dump this one on Brand -- who missed his second straight game with a strained right hamstring -- I'm already wondering if they need to blow things up.

Devin Harris, unintentionally dirty quote machine: "I started feeling it late (Friday) night, so I got to (Walsh) this morning. He gave me some good treatment, got some fluids in me early." Mmmm...man-lovey.

The Minnesota Timberwolves: Well, well, well. A 23-point loss to the lowly Clippers. Minny shot 39 percent and got reamed on the boards (54-38). That's the kind of loss that gets coaches fired. WHICH IS EXACTLY WHAT HAPPENED. Kevin McHale is expected to take over as coach. And the Wolves' tragic-comedy continues...

Randy Foye, quote machine: "Randy Wittman is not out there on the court. Kevin McHale is not out there on the court. It's me, Al, Craig (Smith), Ryan (Gomes), and these guys in here. It has to change within us before anything." Apparently your owner disagrees, Randy.

Al Jefferson, quote machine: "[Timberwolves management] could do whatever they wanted to do. But it starts right here in this locker room with us. Jesus Christ himself could come out here and coach us, but if we don't go out there and play hard and play together, it won’t mean nothing."

Mike James: Every single player on the New Orleans roster got into the Hornets' 106-87 blowout of the Grizzlies. Every player except James, that is. Dude can't even get garbage minutes. That's a real shot in the pride sac.

Kevin McHale: Rookie O.J. Mayo scored 18 points against the Hornets, giving him double figures in points in his first 20 NBA games, the longest such streak since Larry Bird hit double-digits in his first 20 games with Boston in 1979-80. I bet McHale sure is glad he traded Mayo for Kevin Love. [\sarcasm]

The Washington Wizards: Wow. A night after failing to come back on the Lakers, the Wizards managed to shoot 54 percent and still lose on the road to the Bulls. It's like they can literally do nothing to win. Said Caron Butler: "It's tough. I've never been in this situation like this before. We're giving a lot of effort and we're giving a lot of energy but we're still falling short." I have no idea what to suggest for these guys at this point. Maybe try to shoot 60 percent next time? Said interim head coach Ed Tapscott: "One of the things you can't succumb to frustration. We have to keep a positive attitude." Good luck with that, Ed.

Joakim Noah and Tyrus Thomas: Noah earned himself a DNP-CD and Thomas played only 5 minutes, finishing 0-for-1 with 1 assist...and nothing else. Bust and double-bust. But hey, at least they have guaranteed contracts.

The Golden State Warriors: They shot 37 percent, gave up 55 percent marksmanship and lost by 35 points to the Spurs. It was Golden State's ninth straight loss...the longest current streak of futility in the league. It's also the first time the Warriors have lost that many in a row since 2006. Said Corey Maggette: "I was dealing with this with the Clippers, where we had different situations going on. Trust me, it's getting old." I bet Chris Mullin's just pleased as punch he decided to give this guy $50 million last summer. I hope he's paying him in Monopoly money or Rubles.

The Utah Jazz: They totally could have beaten the Suns in Phoenix...if only they'd protected their defensive glass. The Suns grabbed 16 offensive boards, 11 for Amare Stoudemire. They also turned the fourth quarter into a hack-fest, giving up 18 free throws in that final stanza.

Steve Nash, backhanded compliment machine: Can you read between the lines of Nash's post-game comment? "Amare was unbelievable, getting all those offensive rebounds. It was beautiful to see. That's something different for us."

Goran Tragic: Nash's backup played 9 minutes against the Jazz, shooting 0-for-3 and committing 2 turnovers without an assist. Meanwhile Nash, who lost seven pounds this week due to the flu, logged 38 minutes. So much for all the rest Steve Kerr was talking about for Nash before the season.

The Sacramento Kings: Holy "Oh my God! Make it Stop!" Batman. The Kings shot 29.3 percent in a 33-point home loss to the Nuggets. It was the first time the Sactowners have shot under 30 percent since December 1, 1996, against Detroit. Ouchies. Said Kings coach Reggie Theus: "There is no excuse for being physically handled. Every time we play a team that is physical and has went after us we have back off or backed up." Strong words. But not as strong as those from...

Miki Moore, awesome quote machine: Best. Quote. Ever. "Would you let someone go into your house, smack your wife around, make a sandwich and change the channel on your TV? We're disgusted with ourselves." If you need me, I'll be making love to this quote for the rest of the day. Thank you.

Kobe Bryant: He refused to celebrate Birdmas.


The Detroit Pistons: How did Detroit suck on Sunday? Let me count the ways. One, they missed their first seven shots, fell behind 10-0 immediately, trailed 29-12 after one quarter, and eventually "built" a 29-point deficit before they started actually, you know, playing. Said Allen Iverson, who was talking about games: "Regardless of how well you play, one thing you can always do every night is play hard and there's no excuse for that. We get a lot of money to come out here and perform to the highest of our ability and there's no reason why you shouldn't come out and give that effort." Two, speaking of The Answer, he shot only 6-for-18 in his 42 minutes...so much for that whole "I need more minutes to get my rhythm" thing. Three, Rip Hamilton earned two techs and an early trip to the locker room; it was Rip's third ejection at Madison Square Garden in the last four years. (From the AP game notes: "Hamilton was ejected from a March 17, 2006, game for firing the ball to the opposite end of the court after an offensive foul call, hitting the top of the shot clock. He was tossed again last March 7 after getting two techs for arguing a call late in the first half.") Four, Kwame Brown finished with zero points, 2 rebounds, zero assists, zero blocks and 2 fouls in 10 minutes of lack-tion. Five, Rasheed Wallace had only 6 points on 3-for-11 shooting (including 0-for-5 from downtown) despite getting a technical foul (after which he supposedly plays better). Six, even after a brief fourth-quarter rally, the Knicks still beat them by double figures despite playing only seven men. And finally, seven, the Pistons are now 0-5 on Sunday this season.

The Toronto Raptors: The dinos railed to capitalize on a dead coach bounce opportunity and the fact that their opponent, the Portland Trail Blazers, were playing the last game of a five-game Eastern Conference road trip. Toronto gave up 18 offensive rebounds and 50 percent three-point marksmanship, which included Steve Blake's go-ahead three-bomb over Jose Calderon with eight seconds to go. And it made new coach Jay Triano kinda sad. "Overall, I feel bad for our guys that we get a chance to reward them with a victory, we cleaned up an awful lot from what we had been doing. I just feel bad for our guys because they deserved more, they deserved to carry a victory away from the improvements that we made." Well gosh, Jay, I guess you can ask David Stern to put this one in Basketbawful's proposed "Losses That Aren't As Bad As Others" column in the season standings. You know, since your team deserved to win and all. Speaking of "deserving"...

Jermaine O'Neal, excuse machine: The Drain felt a little robbed after the game. "We felt we deserved to win, it's not we felt we got outplayed. We felt like we played pretty good for the most part and just couldn't get that last rebound." Uh, being outscored and losing the game is kinda the textbook definition of "getting outplayed," Drain. I'm just sayin'.

The Boston Celtics defense: The league's top defensive team -- the C's, on average, hold their opponents to 41.5 percent shooting -- let the Pacers shoot slightly better than 50 percent and gave up a season-high 117 points to the Pacers. Not exactly a formula for success...even if they did pull it out to win their 12th straight game, which is their longest win streak since 1986. Doc Rivers correctly stated that Boston stole a victory, but Paul Pierce is cool with that. "That's what good teams try to do. We try to find ways to win. It's not going to be pretty every night, but whenever you can find a way, especially the way things were going tonight, we'll take it."

The Indiana Pacers: The Pacers have developed quite a habit of losing close games this season -- three of their last eight losses have come in overtime -- and this was no exception. They were actually pulled ahead 105-102 with 14.4 seconds left in regulation, but Eddie House rebounded a three-point miss by Ray Allen and got the ball to Pierce, whose three-pointer from the left wing tied the game with 7.5 seconds left. It's sort of ironic, since Indiana beat the Lakers on a last-second offensive rebound/tip-in. And mind you, House stand about three feet tall. After the game, Danny Granger was looking for a little cheese to go with his whine. "We had control down the stretch, we were one rebound away from the win. We could have beat them twice in three times we played them, but we just let it get away." Coulda, woulda, shoulda's don't mean much. But, like the Raptors, I'll let you put this one in the "Losses That Aren't As Bad As Others" column.

The Milwaukee Bucks' starting five: The Bucks had five players in double figures last night. All off the bench. As for their starters? Gak. As Alex D. said in an email: "The numbers for the Milwaukee 'starters' on Sunday versus the Lakers: 8-28 from the field, 8 TO and 18 points total. That's the definition of basketball sucking at its best. Malik Allen having a +2 suck differential and Richard Jefferson having 3 points and 4 fouls in 9 minutes of action did not help the cause. Sun Yue must send a Christmas gift to the Milwaukee starters because they helped him get the first NBA action of his career." And Yue (4 points, 2-for-3) even outscored two Milwaukee starters. However, it's worth noting that Allen left in the first quarter with a rib injury. Basketbawful reader Ace wrote in to add the following: "Please make sure that you mention the Milwaukee Bucks' starters in your Worst of the Weekend. I can understand getting outscored by Kobe, Wade, or LeBron, but when Derek Fisher outscores your whole starting lineup, there is a problem."

There was a problem, all right. The Bucks starters didn't bring it, and Scott Skiles benched 'em. Said Skiles: "We weren't ready," said Bucks coach Scott Skiles, whose entire job consists of getting the Bucks ready to play. "We came out flat and missed a lot of open shots. We still had a game in front of us, but we just rolled over. We came out in the third quarter and seemed disinterested, so I gave other guys an opportunity to see of they could get us back into it." Better be careful, Scott. That's the kind of behavior that could get a coach fired on Christmas eve. Oh, wait...

One last note on the Bucks: As Basketbawful reader Karl observed: "The Milwaukee Bucks, who, according to this ESPN recap "has shot under 50 percent from the field in all 22 games this season." Isn't Scott Skiles an ex-point guard? Shouldn't he know SOMETHING about running and offense?" Well, yeah, I guess. But it's worth pointing out that Skiles spent most of his career passing to guys like Greg Kite, Jerry Reynolds and Terry Catledge. Skiles might be damaged goods after that traumatization.

Phil Jackson, eternal pessimist Part II: The Lakers won by double-digits, improved their record to 17-2 and equaled the best 19-game start in the franchise's 61-year history. But P-Jax wasn't happy. Oh no. "It was an awkward game tonight. Offensively we were very ragged. Our timing was off and we tried to do too much. A lot of guys tried to do things that we shouldn't have been doing and forced the action. We didn't settle in and run our offense. We tried to do too many things off the dribble. They packed it in and caused turnovers, and that was one of the reasons I was unhappy about our offense." Man. Somebody get this guy a sympathy card or something. I wonder how he would have felt if the Lakers had lost.

Kobe Bryant: He refused to high-five Sun Yue after Yue's first bucket of the season...until the camera panned to him. Then he was all like, "Sun rise, baby! Sun rise!"

Mario brothers: Marcus Banks (Heat) had an eight-second Mario against the Thunder.

Suck Differentialists: Jason Collins (Timberwolves) had a +2 against the Nets; Martell Webster (Blazers) +1 against the Raptors; Mike Taylor (Clippers) +2 against the Grizzlies.

Trillionaires: Luke Walton (Lakers) had a four trillion against the Wizards; Adonal Foyle (Magic) had a near two trillion against the Thunder; Brian Cardinal (Timberwolves) had a near three trillion against the Nets; Matt Carroll (Bobcats) had a near three trillion against the Bucks.

Labels: Worst of the Weekend

As some of you already know, the Grinches at YouTube did everything they could to steal Birdmas, repeatedly removing our The Night Before Birdmas video for their own grinchy purposes. Well, Birdmas is bigger than little things like laws and copyrights. So it's still available, both on YouTube and MySpace. So there.

In response to this outrage, Evil ted composed the following poem:

How the Youtube Grinch (almost) Stole Birdmas

Every Fan Down in Fanville Liked Birdmas a lot...
But the Youtube Grinch,Who lived north of Fanville, Did NOT!
The Youtube Grinch hated Birdmas! The whole Birdmas season!
Now, please don't ask why. No one quite knows the reason.
But I think that the most likely reason of all,
May have been that his heart was two sizes too small.
Or maybe the Grinchness came from the fools,
Who enforce the NBA’s rebroadcasting rules.
It takes a true Grinchness to rob fans of a visual toy,
Meant only to bring them some warm Birdmas joy...
You can read the rest of the poem in the comments section. Oh, and look for the Japanese version, coming soon to a free video provider near you (unless YouTube Bird-blocks us again):

Translation: "YouTube Wasps Attempt MolestingFeathered Creature Celebration of Holy Dishwater."

Labels: Basketbawful versus The Grinch, Birdmas, Grinch, Larry Bird, YouTube

On December 7, 1956, the Hoop Gods gave us their only son, Larry Joe Bird, the Basketball Jesus, to save the National Basketball Association from greed, selfishness and exceptionally low television ratings. And save the NBA he did, even though he had to sacrifice his heart, his back, and his ability to speak the English language to do it.

And so every year on December 7th, we at Basketbawful celebrate the greatest of all holidays: Birdmas (originally "Bird Mass"). But the celebration actually begins the night before, on Birdmas Eve, when Santa Larry travels across the world on a magic parquet floor pulled by 80's Celtic roleplayers -- On Carr and Robey and Henderson and Buckner! On Kite and Wedman and Sichting and Vincent! -- delivering jump shots and no-look passes to all the good little boys and girls who believe that he was the greatest player to ever rock short-shorts and a blond afro-mullet.

Just remember, dear readers, making everyone's basketball dreams come true in a single night is hard work, so leave a little something next to the fire place for Santa Larry and his reign dears. But not milk and cookies and carrots. Leave a plate of steak and potatoes for Larry...and don't worry about the reign dears. They're used to feeding off his table scraps.

It's also important to observe certain hallowed Birdmas traditions, such as wearing green and white, reading selected passages from The Holy Bird Bible, and watching Larry Bird: A Basketball Legend at least four or five times. You can also spend a little time in quiet contemplation of how much you hate the Lakers, even destroying something yellow. (This can be almost anything, from something as simple as a mustard-colored shirt or, for more hard core Birdmas celebrations, a live canary.)

In honor of this year's Birdmas, which falls on Sunday, we have prepared a very special video tribute to the season of basketball giving. Written and videographically presented by Evil Ted, and narrated by yours truly, this video is sure to bring a tear to the eye of even the most time-hardened cynic. So sit down, grab a wad of tissues, and prepare to be amazed by...The Night Before Birdmas!

EVIL TED UPDATE (12/6/08 - 12:30 PM CST): After 1,500 views and 24 hours, The original Night before Birdmas was removed from youtube, perhaps due to the brief NBA video segments that were included in it. Below is a revised version. If THIS one gets nixed, further attempts will be made... nobody should be deprived of their proper enjoyment of Birdmas.



If the youtube Grinch tries to steal Birdmas once again, here is an alternate location of the greatest video ever made (about Larry Bird, in December)...

The Night Before Birdmas

Labels: basketbawful videos, Birdmas, Boston Celtics, Evil Ted, Larry Bird, the greatest of holidays

Nobody farted, J.R. You guys just stink.
The Suns versus the Mavericks: My oh my how things have changed. It seems like ancient history now, but does anybody remember when the Mavs and Suns were tearing up the league just two seasons ago? Their two-team regular season tour de force climaxed in an epic double-overtime showdown on March 14, 2007. Dirk Nowitzki finished with 30 points, 16 rebounds and 6 assists, but Steve Nash showed him up with 32 points, 16 assists, 8 rebounds. More importantly, Nash scored 10 points in the final minute of regulation, capped by a game-tying 3-pointer with 2.7 seconds left. Honest-to-goodness, that was The Game of the 2006-07 season. The regular season, anyway. But, as everyone knows, the Mavs got upset in the first round of the playoffs by the Golden State Warriors, while the Suns got knocked out by the San Antonio Spurs thanks to some untimely suspensions.

It's been all downhill from there.

Both teams have fallen from being the class of the Western Conference to fighting for table scraps at the bottom of the playoff contender dog pile. And last night's 112-97 stinker was yet another reminder that what was once so amazing is now just an awkward, fumbling heap of mediocrity. It's like watching two over-the-hill porn stars making the beast with two backs. I literally couldn't make myself watch the game for more than a few minutes at a ime. Every time I turned it on, something I saw pissed me off. Like as Shaq's lumbering in the post/clogging of the lane. At one point, I flipped to the game and saw Amare Stoudemire blow a dunk and then, on the very next possession, watched Nash dish a turnover on a pick-and-roll. I blacked out at that point and woke up covered in blood with somebody's finger in my mouth. Best not to ask questions.

And kudos to Terry Porter for killing the transition game in the name of defense. The ne attitude sure is working out, isn't it? Dirk blew up on them for 39 (and might have had 50 if the game hadn't been a blowout). Dwyane Wade wacked 'em for 43 and Devin Harris spilled 47. Said Porter: "We haven't done a good job of taking the challenge and guarding their guys. There's no doubt we'll get better." No doubt, Terry? No way. I have doubt. Lots of it.

After last night's game, Nash said last season "feels like six years ago" and added "Right now, we're in a dark place." Thoroughly depressing stuff.

Amare Stoudemire and the Phoenix front court: From Wild Yams: "Amare needs to probably get a mention for tomorrow's WOTN for his 5 rebounds tonight. At least he didn't have more fouls (5) or turnovers (4) than rebounds tonight, but it was damn close. Just like yesterday though, the whole Phoenix frontcourt deserves to be taken to task. For the second straight game, Matt Barnes led the Suns in rebounds (with 6), and Shaq and Amare combined for only 10 boards in 59 minutes of playing time. Not only were they outboarded by Shawne Williams, a SF off the bench (12 boards in 26 minutes), but also by one of Shaq's favorite targets for ridicule: 'Erika' Dampier (14 boards in only 25 minutes). If the Suns keep this up they're gonna finish near the bottom of the league in rebounding; and it's tough to imagine a team that is routinely led in boards by Matt Barnes making the playoffs."

I couldn't agree more, even if you'd managed to insult Kobe in that paragraph of woe. However, you omitted a few important factoids. Like how Stoudemire had FOUR of his shots blocked. Or how Shaq took the previous night off so he'd be fresh for the Mavs game...then shot 1-for-6. Oh, and let's not overlook the fact that Stoudemire -- who regarding Terry Porter's edict that the Suns improve on defense said "We wanted this" -- was the guy defending Nowitzki. If you can call "standing around listlessly just kinda hoping Dirk would miss" playing defense. Seriously, I could not have been more disgusted if Amare showed up drunk at my house and threw up on me.

Robin Lopez: Two words: Four trillion. Another wasted draft pick for the Suns. Too bad they didn't take, say, Mario Chalmers or Ryan Anderson or George Hill or Luc Mbah a Moute (sorry, make that Jean Luc Richard).

Al McCoy, the human pain pill: Basketbawful reader Clifton let's us know how McCoy -- the "Voice of the Suns" for 620 KTAR in Phoenix -- helped him get through last night's debacle:

Re: The Suns, and wheels becoming dislodged. Tonight they had both Nash and Shaq... wonder what the excuse will be this evening? I saw elsewhere that Robin Lopez trillionated tonight. Sigh.

I was listening on the radio at work, and midway through the third quarter, when Dirk Nowitzki scored his 36th and 37th points, Al McCoy dropped this gem (not verbatim, but close): "Novinsky inside, and he scores! Wow. 37 for Novinsky tonight. I tell ya, Tim, it sure seems like the Suns catch a lot of these players when they're having career nights lately," speaking to color 'analyst' Tim Kempton. Tim mumbled some response about bad luck.

First of all, Al has always called Nowitzky "Novinsky." Shrug. But moreover, I've been listening to Al McCoy call Suns games since I was in the womb. On the surface, sure, that SEEMS like a Captain Oblivious statement. However, Al can get bitingly sarcastic when things aren't going so hot for "the Purple Gang," and his tone and timbre change just ever-so-slightly when he's being this way. The above statement was one of these references. S'why I love Al McCoy. He's as big a fan as the rest of us schmoes, and manages to find a loophole in his professionalism to vent his frustrations. I got it; Tim Kempton didn't.

You can also tell when he's making a comment about the officiating -- usually after the Suns have been boned repeatedly in that department -- right when an official is in front of the announcers' table (when they're courtside, anyway); he raises his voice a little and enunciates more clearly, as if speaking to a retard. He'll suddenly change track right in the middle of a thought and blurt out, "But you know, Tim, the Suns have only been to the free-throw line four times tonight...while The Jazz Have Gone Fifteen Times...THAT'S QUITE A DISCREPANCY."

Seriously. Al almost made tonight's game bearable. Almost.

And your comments almost got me through it too. Almost.

Denver Nuggets: Yes, Chauncey Billups has made them better. No, they are not contenders. I'm glad we've gotten that out of the way. Now, to let you know how our readers feel about it, here's Sam Sung: "Alright, I just got done watching the first half of the Nuggets-Spurs game. I think it should be a rule, if your team is down by 20 points you should automatically have to boo. Also, does George Karl ever call a timeout? We were down 18 points and the camera zooms to Karl and he is at his usual spot...on the bench. I think George Karl is the only paid fan in basketball. I don't want my ball club paying for someone to sit in their chair and watch a game. The game is about to come back on and I'm sure Karl never left his seat." Speaking of George...

George Karl, excuse machine: "To me you had a very angry team, a very mad team and we were a happy team. Arrogance, cockiness, happiness, contentment, they're all different, there are very thin lines and tonight we probably thought we were a little bit better than we were and we got embarrassed. Not embarrassed, but we got beat." No, Karl, you were right the first time: You guys got embarrassed. At home, no less. But at least your team is happy. They've got that going for them.

Chauncey Billups, stat curse machine: After the Nuggets extincted the Raptors, Mr. Big Shot said: "Throughout the season you usually get two or three of those games. Unfortunately, you usually get two or three on the other side, those games where nothing really works." STAT CURSE. After his team got it handed to them by the Spurs, Billups said: "I might have talked it up on us, I don't know. That was an ugly game. Games like that you have to wash them off in the shower and just forget about them as soon as possible. They picked us apart. They just outplayed us all over the place." Scrub hard, Chauncey. Scrub hard.

Kenyon Martin: Owned. Owned. Owned. Let me say it again. Owned. As Raza put it: "Since K-Mart said after the Nuggets beat the injury-ridden Spurs the classic quote "I don't let Tim do what he wants to do. Never have and never will," I was hoping you guys would bring up Duncan's stat line tonight (21 points, 12 rebounds, 7 assists, 5 blocks, and a steal) to go with that idiotic quote." Consider it done, Raza.

Mike Dunleavy: Maybe he's just bitter, or maybe he's trying to draw some attention away from his awful coaching, but Dunleavy called Dwyane Wade a cheater the other day. No, really. "His ability to carry the ball right now, he's getting away with that," Dunleavy said. "He [carries] left to right, right to left, but he just does it fast so nobody sees it, I guess." And I guess the Clippers are doing so well this season that Dunleavy can take time off from coaching to campaign against the D-Wade Palming Menace. Thanks for working so hard to make the world a better place, Mike.

Channing Frye, quote machine: From Basketbawful reader Brian S: "This quote was so funny it threw me into shock. I was unable to laugh or even respond with anything other than a open, gaping mouth. From Oregonlive, regarding the Blazers loss to the reviled Boston Celtics:

In the second meeting, Feb.24 at the Rose Garden, the Blazers built a 17-point lead in the second quarter only to see it turn into a 19-point deficit that ended in a 112-102 loss. "It was like being at a club and being with [the] baddest chick in there," Frye said. "Then you turn your head and she's gone. It's like, 'Dang, I should have had that! I should have done this or done that.' Because we had them. But I think everybody feels that way. That's why they are the world champs."

"There you have it. Channing Frye is a man's man in that he equates winning basketball games to hooking up with hot chicks at clubs." Yes, Channing certainly is a MAN-type man...even though, to me, that loss was more like an elementary school bully getting beaten up and having the lunch money he just stole from someone get taken away by a high school bully.

Jalen Rose: Basketbawful reader Geert noticed that Jalen thinks Tony Parker is the best point guard in the league. Which has no merit in my eyes, since TP isnt' really a PG at all; he's a tiny SG who handles the ball for the Spurs. And anyway, Jalen's argument is pretty lame: It's pretty much "Because he's on the Spurs." As Geert said: "Isn't that a bit like saying Brian Scalabrine is the best forward because he plays with the Celtics?"

Basketbawful reader Mark G: I received an email yesterday with a subject line of "Luke Walton minus the stalker." Inside was the following unusual request:

Dear Mr. Basketbawful,

I would like to be included in the 'Worst of the Night' section. WHY? Because I just realised I'm the second coming of Luke Walton.

I'm white, I have no range, I'm a small forward but my coach is letting me play UNDERSIZED PF like Luke, my father was WAY better than me (and still is while he's 35 years older), I barely average a point a game and on a positive note, I'm also thinking 'pass-first.'

But to make things worse than Luke's situation: I'm from Belgium, I'm never getting a ring, I'm playing MORE than Walton (but still have the same per-game averages!) and, oh yeah, did I mention that I have to pay to play instead of getting paid to sit??

I never thought I was going to say this but I wish I had a (ugly) stalker like Luke just to make me feel important.

Thank you for reading this.

Wow. Well, congrats, Mark. You're an official Worst of the Nighter here at Basketbawful. If you ever get a trillion, please send me the box score so I can post it. And I'm even going to give you a nickname: The Belgium Waffle. You rock! (But not really.)

The crazy, crazy world in which we live: This is supposed to be the most wonderful time of the year, right? So explain to me why some poor kid had to escape from the couple who had imprisoned and tortured him for a year. Or why some dude posing as a baby sitter used a couple's two-year-old in a porn film. Or why Boy George of all people was sentenced for handcuffing a male escort to a wall and beating him with a chain because the guy wouldn't sleep with him. Or why a Florida man assaulted his girlfriend with a cheeseburger. Or why an Arizona man felt the need to attack a speed camera with a pickaxe. Or why Tina Turner had to take a huge, steaming poo all over my awesome Mad Max Beyond Thunderdome memories by appearing in concert as Aunty Entity. Oh yes she did.

Gak. At this point, I'd rather sleep with Master Blaster.
Update! Kobe Bryant: He had plans to steal Birdmas. Fortunately, that's impossible.

Labels: Dallas Mavericks, Denver Nuggets, fan submissions, Kenyon Martin, Phoenix Suns, San Antonio Spurs, Tim Duncan, Tina Turner, Worst of the Night

You've seen the video blog, you've watched his latest crap rap video...now thrill to the wonder of Ron Artest's new Internet reality show! If you've ever wanted to be a fly on the wall of Artest's life -- and who hasn't? -- then prepare to view the world through a fly's eyes. (And here's a little reminder: Flies eat poop.)

Via Ball Don't Lie, where J.E. Skeets provided the following viewer's guide: "Artest making fun of his Toyota Sequoia (5:15), popping out his fake front tooth while driving (7:30), struggling to assemble a tent for his daughter -- indoors (13:55), recording a new rap song while his nanny cleans around him (17:20), and a hilarious exchange with his son about getting his own shoe deal (20:00)." However, Skeets forgot to mention how Ron initiated a conversation about monkey brains at a Chinese restaurant around the 3-minute mark. Don't take my word for it. Watch.

Labels: crazy people, mucho crazy, reality TV, Ron Artest, so crazy it cannot be measured by modern science

Some people can feel alone in a locker room full of teammates (coughStephonMarburycough), while others long for a sense of privacy so complete they'd like to construct a little soundproof room inside of another room and thus realize their dream of complete and total isolation from mankind. Well, if you're that kind of raging agoraphobe, then Yamaha's My Room II is probably for you.
My Room II: When your sad little life isn't prison enough.
My Room II is a fully-enclosed vault for one that acts as a little home inside your home, providing silence and sanctuary from life's annoying distractions. Like, for instance, the emaciated pet you haven't fed or watered for weeks. (I promise it's feeble moaning and scratching won't bother you inside your self-imposed exile.) Or the parent who keeps screaming at you to "stop playing that [expletive] 'World of Warships' game and get a [double-expletive] job!" (Sure thing, mom. Let me know next time you see an opening for "Death Knight" or "Shaman" on Monster.com.)

MRII is "1.5 Tatami mats" big -- which apparently works out to about four and a half by six feet -- so there's only enough room for you, a (small) desk, a chair and your entertainment device of choice. But hey, MRII users WANT to be alone. So very, very alone. In addition to insulation from all things human, MRII also offers touch panel controls, air conditioning, and an adjustable lighting system. Yeah, it's a little pricy as far as "escape from the world" products go: ¥664,650 (about $6,500). But you have to admit, it sure beats masturbating to Internet porn at the public library. Unless you're into that sort of thing.

I think you can buy MRII on Yamaha's official site, but I don't speak Yamahaese, so who knows. However, despite my linguistic ignorance, I did discover a series of diagrams that show off the many uses of My Room II. Such as: Studying!


Watching TV!


Rock starring!


And "hobby"! Which, uh, I guess involves cutting things up with a knife. Which isn't all that surprising if you think about it, since every potential MRII user is probably a serial killer just waiting to happen.

Not pictured: Your choice of victims.

Labels: Christmas list, complete and total isolation, My Room II

The Washington Wizards: Well, they lost to the Portland Trail Blazers at home last night, which is no shame in and of itself. After all, in case you haven't noticed, the Blazers have quietly won six games in a row and accumulated a 14-6 record...second-best in the West and fifth overall in the league (behind the Celtics, Lakers, Cavaliers and Magic). Still, the loss dropped the Gandalfs to only 2-7 at home and an Eastern Conference worst 3-11. That's right: The Wiz are a full THREE games worse than the Charlotte Bobcats.

But, hey, at least they came within six points of the Blazers and were right there at the end. That's gotta count for something right? Or maybe not. Interim coach Ed Tapscott said: "Close only counts in horse shoes and hand grenades, you know?" Well, it also counts in nuke, gunshot wounds...okay, "close" is looking pretty scary, so I'll quit while I'm, uh, alive.

Brandon Roy, going-left machine: "My whole life, guys send me left. I come to the bench, and my teammates are joking, 'Oh, you went left.' I'm like, 'Which way did he give me? He gave me left.' You give me right, I'll take right. But right now they're giving me left, and I do whatever I can to make plays out there." Just so everybody knows: Brandon can score go left.

The Minnesota Timberwolves: Despite forcing 19 turnovers and a 42-31 rebounding edge -- including a 16-3 advantage on the offensive glass -- the Timberpups STILL suffered a double-digit loss to the Magic. Mostly 'cause Orlando shot a season-high 57 percent...despite the fact that their starting backcourt is still out with injuries. Memo to Minny: You have to do more than just hope the other team misses. Sometimes you actually have to participate in a little thing we call "hand in the face." It actually kinda works sometimes. But hey, I'm no expert. Go ahead and keep using the "wish defense" if you like.

Of course, Wolves coach Randy Wittman thinks his team's problem is on the offensive end of the floor. "Through three quarters we got great looks, we just couldn't put it in. You've got to score against this team." And that, Randy, is the kind of attitude that has helped your team earn the league's sixth-worst mark in field goal percentage defense (46.7) and the fifth-worst mark in three-point defense (37.8). You might want to consider leaving the "We'll just outscore the other team" strategy to Mike D'Antoni.

Brian Cardinal: The line: Seven minutes, 43 seconds and zero-for-everything...a near eight trillion. Ben Q. Rock of the Third Quarter Collapse said: "Probably the closest we'll ever see anyone come to Damon Jones' hallowed 12 trillion." Maybe, maybe not. After all, yesterday Basketbawful reader 747 left the following comment: "Though not as epic as the Damon Jones game, on April 2, 2002, my sister's birthday no less, Carlos Arroyo had a 12 trillion." So don't worry, Ben. There's always hope for greater trillions!

The Memphis Grizzlies: Remember how about a month ago the Grizzlies won a few games (two against the Warriors and one against the Kings) and everybody got all excited about how this team was "ahead of schedule" and all that. Okay, "excited" is a strong word, because anybody who can't be referred to as "mom," "dad" or "baby mama" by somebody affiliated with this team is medically incapable of being excited about them. But anyway, all that early optimism has [SHOCK ALERT!!] given way to 11 losses in their last 12 games, including the current 7-game streak of futility. But there's good news: Two of the baby bears' next four games are against the Clippers and the Thunder, and I'm going to go way out on a limb and predict they go at least .500 in those two games. You heard it here first.

Darko Milicic: Nothing's really changed. Darko continues to be one of the most disappointing second overall picks of the last, well, forever. But here's an update anyway: The Dark One played 19 minutes last night, shooting 0-for-1 and finishing with more fouls (4) than rebounds (3) or points (2). He was 2-for-2 from the foul line, though. Just so you understand I can sometimes see that the glass is half full. Of crap.

Maurice Evans: No points in 16 minutes is kind of embarrassing...but shooting 0-for-7 (including 0-for-5 from downtown) is downright shameful. Shame, Maurice! Shame! And I've got a rolled up newspaper with your name on it.

Mario West: Lived up to his name by putting in a 19-second Mario. ADORABLE SAD FACE.

The Klahma City Thunder: Better grab hold of those socks so they don't blow off your feet, but the Thunder showed actual signs of offense last night: The NBA's worst shooting team (at 42.4 percent) blistered the Bobcats with 54 percent sniping. And yet still managed to lose. They are now a league-worst 2-17.

Continuing on with the "glass half full of crap" theme, Kevin Durant said: "Tonight was better than most losses because we did some things well." Huh. Maybe, for the mental health of everybody in the Thunder franchise, the NBA should add a new column in the season standings for "Losses That Are Better Than Most."

Matt Carroll: A big tip of the hat goes out to Carroll, whose 13-second Mario for the Bobcats should make Mario West feel less like a complete human failure and more like an only almost-complete human failure. [Basketbawful realizes Mario West is making $700,000 this season while Matt Carroll is making over $5,000,000...then weeps silently to himself.]

Emeka Okafor: I know what you're saying: Basketbawful, how can you possibly bust on a guy coming off his best two games of the season? (Emeka scored 25 points on 8-for-11 shooting and snared 13 boards last night, while on Monday he scored 24 on 9-for-14 from the field and grabbed 10 rebounds.) Well, it's because Basketbawful reader Jacob C sent me the following email after Monday's game: "Are you aware that this man has played 569 minutes this year and has 6 assists? How can those be real numbers? That is only 6 assists more than I have on the season. That's one assist every 90 minutes. I'm pretty sure that those can't be real numbers. Don't you accidentally pick up more assists than that? I realize those 'Cats are not good but that is completely absurd."

True enough, and it only got more absurd last night when Okafor played another 38 minutes without registering an assist. So, the numbers are: 607 minutes, 141 shot attempts, 36 turnovers and only 6 assists.

I relayed this information to my buddy Statbuster last night, and he said, "Wow. Those numbers make Kevin McHale look like John Stockton. Or they make Yinka Dare look like Kevin McHale." (Dare, you may remember, was named Basketbawful's Worst Passer Ever for playing 1,002 minutes in 110 games over a four-year career and dishing out only four assists.) Good times. I guess his given name, "Chukwuemeka," is Nigerian for "Doesn't pass."

Michael Jordan, the concerned owner: Sean May, who had his best game of the season last night (10 points, 11 rebounds), was taken out of last night's game during the third quarter because of extreme out-of-breathness. Fortunately, part-owner Michael Jordan was there to mock him: "Mike said, 'Do you need an oxygen mask?'" May said. "I said, 'No, just give me a couple minutes and I'll be fine.'" I'm surprised MJ didn't ask if May needed a bra for his man-boobage.

The New York Knicks: What can you say about a 36-point drubbing in which Quentin Richardson got himself ejected and Chris Duhon (1-for-9, 4 assists, 6 turnovers) played less like Steve Nash and more like, well, Chris Duhon? If you're Mike D'Antoni, I guess you can talk about how tired your team is. Said D'Antoni: "This is the thing you run into when you run into a good team without any gas in your tank and it showed. Things just unraveled. I think everyone was frustrated. I think you get frustrated when you're tired." You know what else is frustrating? When you suck.

Update! Man love in Cleveland: Basketbawful reader Edgar C found this on TrueHoop: "After the game nearly the entire Cavs team stayed in the shower area for an hour. They were leaning against walls, sitting on counters and enjoying adult beverages all in towels. They were talking, making fun of each other, hanging out. It may seem like normal locker room behavior, but it isn't. Maybe these guys go hang out with each other in groups after the games at restaurants or their houses. But in my six years covering the Cavs I'd never seen that after a game. The season is long, trying times are certainly ahead, but the team is more than just winning, they are enjoying doing it with each other." And the title of the article this came from? "Cavs enjoying each others' company." Oh yes it is. According to preliminary estimates, this event ranked just after Clay Aiken on the Gay Scale.

The Philadelphia crowd: So far this season they've ignored their team, and booed their team, and last night they cheered and chanted "M-V-P!" for longtime Philly villain Kobe Bryant. Ah, sweet Philadelphia, providing the Sixers all the comforts of playing on the road. Of course, it might have helped if their team hadn't let the Lakers shoot 58 percent and beat them by double digits. More details from Wild Yams: "Speaking of Philly, and since you mentioned their crowd chanting 'MVP' for Kobe last night, it should be pointed out that at the start of the game they were loudly booing him every time he touched the ball, and it was only at the end of the game when the Lakers had it in hand and Kobe went off for a couple playground type moves that they started cheering for him. Fickle Philly fans."

Update! Elton Brand: I overlooked this, but Wild Yams didn't: "I'm surprised to see Elton Brand didn't make this list, what with going 1-7 for 3 points in 25 minutes last night. Money well spent there, Philadelphia." Yams, are you suggesting that's not $80 million worth of production?

Ed Stefanski: Philly's team president said before the game that he isn't surprised the Sixers are struggling to adjust to the new roles necessitated by Elton Brand's arrival. But then he indicated heads might be on the chopping block if they don't start adjusting, and pronto. "You'll never hear patience come out of my mouth." So yeah, he expected them to have problems, but he won't stand for them having problems. More Leadership 101.

Phil Jackson, Super Obvious Man: "If Kobe shoots the ball that well, we're going to have a good winning percentage because he's going to take most of the shots." In other news, if you don't drink Drain-O, you won't die from drinking Drain-O.

The Indiana Pacers: A night after their inspirational and hope-lifting win over the Lakers, they lost by 18 to the Celtics in Boston. So, you know, it seems unlikely that the road to this year's championship will be running through Indianapolis.

Kevin Garnett, hyperbole machine: Regarding teammate Rajon Rondo, who notched a triple double by scoring 16 points, grabbing 13 rebounds and dishing out a career-high 17 assists: "He was amazing. It was like there was three Rondos. I looked up and it came off the rim and he is grabbing a rebound, then I got back on defense and he beat me back. He was everywhere tonight." Garnett then looked down at his pants only to see Rondo's head pop out from the open zipper, proving that Rajon was, indeed, everywhere.

The Chicago Bulls: Forget the fact that they got only one home game after their circus trip before being forced to hit the road again...no team should let Dan Gadzuric (11 points, 14 rebounds, 3 blocked shots) control the paint. Unless you're the Chicago Wheelchair Bulls or something. And even then I'd expect maybe half as many rebounds.

The Milwaukee Bucks: Sure, they beat the Bulls, but according to Forbes, they're the least valuable NBA franchise at $278 million. Chicago is the third-most valuable at $504 million. Suck it, Milwaukee!

The "Phoenix Suns": The "Suns" played without Steve Nash (flu-like symptoms!) and Shaq (resting his weary flab). As a result, the Suns were outrebounded 46-30 (including a season-high 17 offensive rebounds for the Hornets) and outscored by 104-91. But that'll happen when Robin Lopez is your starting center.

Update! Amare Stoudemire: One more addition from Wild Yams: "How does Amare Stoudemire manage to get only 4 rebounds last night when he's only competing with Robin Lopez for boards? When your supposed MVP candidate at power forward has more fouls (5) and turnovers (6) than rebounds, something isn't right. Actually, I should just criticize the entire Phoenix frontcourt for their lack of rebounding last night. Stoudemire, Boris Diaw and Robin Lopez combined for 8 total rebounds in a combined 86 minutes of PT. Matt Barnes off the bench had 7 by himself in 32 minutes of play."

Goran Dragic: He registered a DNP-CD despite the fact that Nash was absent. Wow. How did the Suns not know he was this bad when they signed him?

The Los Angeles Clippers: Now 3-15 and thanking God that the Klama City Thunder are around to distract the world from how truly awful they are. But at least they were competitive. So, you know, put last night's loss to the Rockets in "Losses That Are Better Than Most" column. Particularly since Houston was +23 in FTAs. (What's that smell, you ask? Home cookin'!)

Baron Davis, sick machine: B-Diddy had to sit down for a spell in the first quarter due to what was apparently food poisoning. Said David: "I must have ate something before the game and it didn't want to come down or out." Gah. I wonder where it finally went...? But maybe it's better I don't know.

The Utah Jazz: It looks like all the injuries are finally catching up with them. Carlos Boozer, Andrei Kirilenko and Matt Harpring were all out, and Kyrylo Fesenko strained his lower back during warmups. No, I'm not making that up. The Jazz shot 39 percent, committed 17 turnovers and fell into a 16-point hole before climbing out to lose by only 4. Said Kyle Korver: "We just don't have a whole lot of rhythm right now." I'm sure Jerry Sloan would happily sacrifice rhythm for a few healthy bodies.

Update! Kobe Bryant: He spent almost half an hour in a handicap bathroom stall at the Staples Center while a man confined to a wheelchair sat outside waiting patiently but fighting not to mess himself. The kicker? Kobe didn't even have to go to the restroom. He just wanted to catch up on his text messaging.

Labels: Brandon Roy, Darko, Emeka Okafor, Mario West, Memphis Grizzlies, Minnesota Timberwolves, New York Knicks, Oklahoma City Thunder, Washington Wizards, Worst of the Night

I don't know how to put this, but I'm kind of a big deal. People know me. I'm very important. I have many leather-bound books and my apartment smells of rich mahogany. I couldn't stop being awesome even if I wanted to. So it kinds of goes without saying that I receive lengthy, appreciative applause from almost everyone I meet almost everywhere I go. But, believe it or not, there's a dark flipside to the type of universal acclaim I enjoy: I've come to kind of expect it.

Unfortunately, even I can't be surrounded by admirers 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. That would be physically impossible. I mean, a moth flies to close to the flame and it's gonna get burned, you know? And -- I understand this is going to be difficult -- forget about me for a second. What about all the poor schmucks out there who NEVER get cheered on because of what I'm assuming is their lame and inescapable non-awesomeness? I know you'll agree that there's nothing sadder than the sound of one hand clapping while the other one wipes away tears that will never fade. Luckily for me and those other humanoids, there's a solution to our unique but strangely similar problems: Applause machines!

Pictured: The "live audience" used for SNL screenings.
The Applause Machine was designed by British artist Martin Smith "for when your ideas are great but no one else agrees." Constructed of powder-coated steel, brass, Walnut wood, and plastic, the device claps at the push of a button using a motor that runs on two AAA batteries. Available in a range of five simple colors, the Applause Machine is small enough (about 18 inches tall) to fit almost anywhere you might deserve to be applauded: By the toilet, in the shower, near the bed where you have sex (or the desk where you masturbate furiously to Internet porn), next to the World of Warcraft gaming station in your parent's basement, and so on.

The Applause Machine is currently available online at Laikingland (and a limited number of retail stores in the UK and the Netherlands) for £195.00. I have no idea what that is in real money (known as "American dollars"), but seriously, are you going to let price stand in the way of having instant approval any time you want it? Or, more importantly, any time I want it? I think not. And you'd better hurry; according to the Laikingland site, the last date to place an order for Christmas is December 12th. You can either have it sent directly to my secure PO box or give it to me in person, hopefully wrapped in super models.

Bonus video footage: Watch in rapt astonishment as the Applause Machine...claps.

Labels: applause machines, Christmas list, I am so freaking awesome, I'm sorry you aren't as awesome as I am it's not your fault, self-love

The Los Angeles Lakers: Teams as good as this year's Lakers squad typically don't lose the big-time challenge or statement games. When they actually do lose, they always seem to drop the ones they're expected to win easily. It comes down to a temporary loss of focus. And yeah, I'd say that's what happened in Indiana last night. The Forum Blue and Golders used a 17-0 run at the end of the third quarter to build a 15-point lead only to let the Pacers -- losers of five of their last six games, including that last two at home in overtime -- come charging back.

Kobe Bryant got outscored (32-28), out-assisted (5-2) and out-three-point shot (0-for-5 versus 4-for-10) by Danny Granger. The Lakers starting frontcourt of Andrew Bynum (17 points, 9 rebounds) and Pau Gasol (20 points, 9 boards, 3 assists) was actually outplayed by their Pacers counterparts of Rasho Nesterovic (16 points, 10 rebounds, 4 assists) and Troy Murphy (16 points, 17 rebounds, 2 steals). And L.A. couldn't protect the glass against an Indiana team that crashed the boards for 19 offensive rebounds...including Murphy's game-winning tip-in at the buzzer. Mind you, the Pacers had to overcome a case of homecourt disadvantage to get the win: The Lakers enjoyed a healthy 45-21 edge in free throw attempts. Anyway, here's my memo to the Lakers: "Being able to block out Troy Murphy in end-of-game situations" is pretty much a prerequisite for any team with championship aspirations. That is all.


Greg Oden: Basketbawful reader Ishlifyhead sent me an email with a subject line of "Greg Oden Update! (The second coming of... Ostertag or KB54?)"...proving that followers of this site sure know how to get my attention. Said Ishlifyhead: "You gotta love this item from the AP game recap of the Blazers-Knicks game:

The Blazers shook off a dismal offensive night from rookie Greg Oden, who botched two dunks in the first five minutes and finished with two points, matching Kwame Brown for the lowest-scoring effort by a No. 1 overall pick in his Madison Square Garden debut in 40 years. 'Kind of stopped shooting after that one, because I usually don't miss dunks,' Oden said. Oden played only 19 minutes because [Joel] Przybilla was dominant in the paint, finishing with 14 rebounds, eight points and two blocked shots.

"Perhaps the GO initial and first name of Greg aren't the only similarities between Oden and Ostertag. At least Ostertag wasn't a number one overall pick." Wow. Drawing comparisons to both Kwame Brown AND Greg Ostertag in one night...that's harsh. Even for this site. And he was benched in favor of the Vanilla Godzilla. That's a pretty epic ego-ectomy. I feel like sending Greg a sympathy card or something.

Mike D'Antoni: Yeah the Knicks are 8-9, which is a near miracle, and he's making Chris Duhon (season-high 23 points, 5 rebounds, 13 assists, only 1 turnover) look more and more like Steve Nash every day, which IS a miracle, but...he's also employing his patented six or seven-man rotation, wherein most of the starters go for almost 40 minutes per game. That can tire guys out. And other teams know it. Said Blazers coach Nate McMillan: "We had a group to come in and they got aggressive and we were able to gain control of the game. And you know, when you're playing nine, 10 guys, if we play the way we condition ourselves to, we should be able to wear down some teams. I thought tonight, Duhon, in the third quarter he played well, but he looked like he wore down a little bit." Added Brandon Roy: "Yeah, we seen it. Coach said they're wearing down, they've got heavy legs, so let's keep trying to push it at them. Duhon played great tonight. They've got a number of guys that play hard, but in that fourth quarter you could see that our depth kind of outlasted them."

Now, the AP said D'Antoni's has been "playing basically seven players because of trades, injuries and the Stephon Marbury situation." Which only proves they don't know Mike D'Anonti. The man always grinds his starters into the ground. And Duhon -- who, again just like Nash, is laboring with a bad back -- Duhon played 44 minutes and missed all three shots in a scoreless fourth quarter. After the game, Duhon admitted he was a little gassed. "Once the game is on, the adrenaline and you are competing, I don't really think much about it. But at the aftermath, I definitely feel it afterwards. But I've been through this before, it's nothing that's going to slow me down or prohibit me from playing." Uh...you've been through this before, Chris? I'm sorry, but I highly doubt he's ever played 40+ minutes as a team's featured player since middle school. Maybe.

The New Jersey Nets: The Wizards are a bad shooting team -- 44 percent on the season -- but hit 52 percent of their field goals (and 54 percent of their threes) against the Nets. And since poop flows downhill, the defensive lethargy eventually splattered over onto the offensive end of the floor, which culminated in a truly craptastic third quarter in which the Nets scored a season-low 12 points while giving up a season-high 35. The result: A 108-88 blowout. Said Nets coach Lawrence Frank: "We never got stops and then [DeShawn] Stevenson got going. We kind of lost our rhythm offensively and didn't make it happen on the other end. It's disappointing that we got thoroughly outplayed. We were devoid of all energy. That's just the NBA schedule for you." Yup. You're team didn't fail, Larry. It was just that wacky NBA schedule biting you in the butt.

Update! Trenton Hassell: I can't believe I missed this, but Dr. Hank Pym didn't -- Hassell had a rather epic nine trillion last night. Brutal. However, that is NOT the standing trillion record, which is still held by Damon Jones for his 12 trillion in Game 1 of the 2007 NBA Finals. Oh yes he did.

Devin Harris, Captain Obvious: "When we struggle to make shots, we're going to have a tough time winning games." In other news, failing to breath will cause you to suffocate.

DeShawn Stevenson, quote machine: Regarding the season-high 21 points he scored against the Nets: "It felt good, because I've been in kind of a slump. I just figured I'd come in and shoot it. If I missed, who cares?" And that, my friends, is exactly the kind of attitude I'd expect from a key player on a 3-12 team.

The Chicago Bulls: The good: They held their opponent to 39 percent shooting and forced 19 turnovers. The bad: They shot only 40 percent themselves, gave up 18 offensive rebounds and committed 24 turnovers that were converted into 26 points by the Sixers...leading to a 103-95 loss in their first home game after the dreaded circus trip. Ugh.

And Andre Miller -- who was owned and embarrassed by Derrick Rose just a few days ago -- got his revenge, scoring 28 points and getting the rookie in foul trouble with his veteran tricks, which included one possession in which he pump-faked Rose into the air and then jumped into him to draw the foul. Miller was 10-for-11 from the charity stripe. After the game, a despondent Rose (24 points, 2 assists, 6 turnovers, 5 fouls) said: "[Miller] is a good point guard and he tried to get me in foul trouble. He made plays. Everybody on his team made plays. We just had so many opportunities and we just missed them."

Meanwhile, Basketbawful reader Junokasm has a few words of advice for Tyrus Thomas: "Thomas should never be allowed to take a jump shot, ever. No wide-open jumpers, no shooting drills in practice, no jump shots! Just catch the ball and dunk; jump really high and rebound. He can even drive with his neck high dribble and run over Andre Miller. Just no jump shots."

Drew Gooden: He not only got owned by Elton Brand (22 points, 14 rebounds), he also submitted the following 'bawful line: 0-for-5 and more turnovers (6) than rebounds (5). That's what I call a powerless forward.

The San Antonio Spurs: Well...Manu Ginobili and Tony Parker are both back, so things are supposed to be on the upswing in San Antonio, right? Wrong. The Spurs dropped their second straight game after getting the gang back together. As a team, they shot 39 percent and committed 17 turnovers. And they had a complete meltdown in the fourth quarter, during which they were outscored 28-14: During that final stanza, Tim Duncan scored 1 point while the team shot 5-of-15 from the floor and committed 6 TOs that were transmogrified into 10 points for the Pistons. Said Spurs coach Gregg Popovich: "The most disturbing thing is that we were very soft. I think Detroit intimidated us. It was really sad to watch in that respect. I thought we totally folded to their aggressive play."

The Spurs didn't get a lot of help from their bench. Roger Mason didn't just cool off, he froze over, finishing with 6 points (2-for-6) and 5 turnovers. The Fabulous Oberto -- who lost his starting job to Matt Bonner, by the way -- had 2 points and 2 rebounds in 14 minutes. And Jacque Vaughn and Ime Udoka combined for 1 assist and zero-for-everything else in 10 total minutes (and Udoka had a four trillion).

Is it bad that they looked better BEFORE Parker came back?

Rasheed Wallace, quote machine: 'Sheed did his usual post-technical foul destruction dance against the Spurs, knocking down a trio of threes in the fourth quarter and scoring 17 points in the final 15 minutes after getting T'd up. According to Wallace, he was jawboning the refs because he felt the Spurs were getting a little too much benefit of the doubt. "I knew what it was going to be out there, and I didn't want our team to fall into that. We knew how it was going to be, especially going against the league darlings."

The Los Angeles Clippers: Let me recap this for you: After building a 15-point lead, the Clippers were outscored 32-17 in the fourth quarter -- and 18-4 in the final four minutes -- before letting Jose Barea hit the go-ahead three-bomb with less than a minute left in a demoralizing 100-98 non-win. Oh, and the AP rubbed a little salt in the wound with the following words: "Barea, who is 11th on his team in scoring and plays a little more than 12 minutes per game, capped Dallas' closing 18-4 run with a long-range jumper with 50.2 seconds left that gave Dallas its only lead of the game." So, you know, the Clips got beaten by a loser. They are who we thought they were. Said Clippers coach Mike Dunleavy: "A really disappointing loss for us. We played so well throughout the game. But in the fourth quarter we did a terrible job defensively." Seriously. How is this guy still employed? I'm going to assume that several gallons of goat blood and many dark rites are involved.

Erick Dampier: Tom from Clutch City Hoops had this to say: "Looks like if the Clips had boxed out better, Erick Dampier would have been the first starter ever to record a trillion. (I'm guessing there, but there can't be more than a few that have). However, Dampier grabbed one offensive rebound -- his only stat. THIS close to a three-trillion. Thought you'd want to know." Thanks, Tom. I always want to know when somebody fails, especially overpaid stiffs like Dampier. However, I must admit I'm mad-curious as to why Damp only played three minutes. Was he hurt? Did Rick Carlisle snap and shiv him? Does anybody know?

As for the record: You know what? I have no idea whether an NBA starter has ever notched a trillion that wasn't related to an injury or ejection. I'm gonna have to look into this...

The Toronto Raptors: What's that putrid stench...? Oh. It's the Raptors. Jermaine "The Drain" O'Neal was back in action -- if you can call it that -- but his return didn't exactly inspire the troops. Unless it motivated them to play their absolute worst. The toothless dinos bricked 59 shots en route to a 36 percent shooting night. And, believe it or not, things were even worse on the defensive end, where they allowed the Nuggets to shoot 60 percent from the field and 54 percent from downtown. HAND. IN. THE. FACE. Said Jose Calderon: "It was a bad day. Everything was bad for us." Man, you can say that again.

After the game, the Drain -- how wasn't exactly tearing things up this season, even before he was injured -- got all persnickety: "We're going to address it as a team tomorrow. It's embarrassing not only for us but for those who support the Toronto Raptors, the organization, the city and the country. That should never happen. This is a business. We get paid a heck of a lot of money to play a certain way and if we think we can turn it on and off like that then we are fooling ourselves." How's that for a little Leadership 101.

Speaking of leaders, this is what Raptors coach Sam "Please just don't fire me on Christmas eve" Mitchell had this to say about the debacle: "For me now it's not a time to be screaming and yelling. It's a time to be trying to teach and reassure people." Awh. That's so cute. Make sure your players have their stuffed animal of choice when you tuck them in to their beds, Sam. That would be awfully reassuring.

Allen Iverson: The Nuggets are now 12-3 since trading AI to the Pistons for Chauncey Billups, and even Carmelo Anthony -- the one guy who seemed legitimately bummed when Iverson was shipped out -- can see why Denver is suddenly, you know, pretty good. "I think we're heading into a good direction right now. I say all the time, [Billups is] bringing that leadership to this team, helping everybody out, making everybody better. You look at the scoreboard, you see five, six guys in double digits, whereas before we really didn't have that." And 'Melo's not talking about practice. He's talking about games. I'm just sayin'.

The Sacramento Kings: Despite leading for most of the game, the Sactowners still lost their seventh consecutive game and the 10th of their last 11 overall. The Kings have also dropped their last seven games at Arco Arena...which is the first time that's happened since the 1993-94 season. And if they lose their next game at Arco, it'll set a new franchise record for consecutive games lost at home. Said Bobby Jackson: "It's frustrating, it's like having something on your back and you can't get it off." Yes. Much like blood stains, suck is exceedingly difficult to remove. I suggest starting with hydrochloric acid. If that doesn't work, move on to explosives.

The Utah Jazz and their no-stick fingers: If the Jazz had lost this game -- and it took some serious clutchness from Deron Williams to avoid it -- it would have been because of the Teflon-like material they had bonded to their hands before tipoff. Utah committed 25 turnovers -- 11 in the first quarter -- which pretty much kept the Kings in the game. Said Kyle Korver: "Most times when you have 18 turnovers at the half you aren't going to win." Thanks for the newsflash, Kyle. And congratulations on your promotion from Captain Obvious to four-star General Obvious.

Update! Kobe Bryant: He's making his wife write and send out all the Christmas cards. And the stamps he bought? They aren't self-adhesive.

Labels: Chicago Bulls, fan submissions, Greg Oden, Los Angeles Clippers, Los Angeles Lakers, Mike D'Antoni, New Jersey Nets, Rasheed Wallace, San Antonio Spurs, Toronto Raptors, Worst of the Night

Several people sent in this, ahem, fascinating picture of Yao Ming and Dwight Howard. However, Stephanie G somehow managed to email it to me less than five seconds after it appeared on the Internet. (She must have her Google Alerts set up for "man love" or something.) But you've gotta love any picture where Yao looks like he's taking a dump on the court and Howard is watching like somebody just opened Marsellus Wallace's briefcase in front of him.

Oddly, of all the things going on in this picture, the most inexplicable (to me) is Jameer Nelson clutching at his own man region. I'll just assume he needed a quick equipment adjustment...

Labels: fan submissions, fun with foreign language, Josh Howard, man love, poop humor, Yao Ming

Thanks to Honda's new robot legs, soon even walkingwill be obsolete. Can I get a "Yay, Science!"...?
If you're anything like me -- and I hope for your sake that you are -- then there are countless times on any given day when you find yourself thinking: "Gee, I really wish I didn't have to use my legs right now." Like, for instance, when retrieving the remote control from three feet away, walking (read that: stumbling/shuffling/crawling) home from the bar, or standing up off the toilet. (Because sometimes I get really involved in the book I'm reading and the hard plastic seat makes my lower half feel all numb and lifeless. Much like Hubie Brown.) Well, here's some good news: We might soon be able to eliminate these and other annoying leg-necessary life tasks by using Honda Motor Company's new robot legs.

Honda, makers of many fine robotic products that will one day violently wipe humanity off the face of the earth, recently unveiled its experimental "walking assist device," which helps support bodyweight to reduce the load on an individual's legs while walking, going up and down stairs, crouching, and giving pure evil a big old kick in its fiendish ass. The device is designed for people who can walk on their own but simply don't want to (or can benefit from additional leg and body support ). This is ideal for factory workers, old people, and the exceptionally lazy.

The device is basically a bike seat with a jointed frame and shoes that can be easily slipped into and strapped on. Sounds childishly simple, I know, but here's where glorious Science comes in for the save: The robo-legs have two motors that are controlled by signals from sensors inside the shoes AND a built-in mechanism that directs the assisting force toward the user's center of gravity so that you can control the assist force in concert with blah, blah, blah-diddy-blah. The point is, the device allows you to use your legs in almost any natural way while it supports your body weight and absorbs all the stressful pounding. Kind of like a robot-leg version of Tera Patrick.

Here's the bad news: Pricing and commercial product plans are still undecided. However, Honda has already begun testing the prototype with its assembly line workers. So, if you think about it, we're this much closer to fully functional mechanical suits that will allow us to take back the night from the world's most dangerous super villains. One small step for silly-looking robot legs, one giant leap...FOR JUSTICE.

Bonus video: Here are the robo-legs in glorious, goose-stepping action.

Labels: Christmas list, robot legs, robots, the machines will be taking over soon you dirty fleshbags

Michael Jordan: The Bobcats' part owner was back in his courtside seat for a second straight game after a two-week absence. Active. Involved. Interested. None of these words describe Michael Jordan The Owner.

Al Jefferson: Big Al was strong on the glass (9 rebounds) and actually played a little interior defense for a change (6 blocked shots), but he let his team down on the offensve end, where he shot 3-for-11 and finished with only 8 points...13 below his season average. Said Jefferson: "They're doing a great job of just acting like they're going and stunting. It's messing me up." Uh...can anybody translate that from Big Al to English for me?

Jason Collins: The line: Zero points (0-for-1), 1 rebound, 1 block against and 4 personal fouls in 13 minutes and 13 seconds. Truly some unlucky numbers. And mind you, HE IS MINNESOTA'S STARTING CENTER. It was Jason's fourth scoreless game in 10 appearances this season. He's also shooting only 24 percent on the year, despite the fact that 99 percent of his shots are taken within a foot of the basket. And this isn't just a rough start because of his offseason golf cart injury (and no I'm not making that up): Last season, he went off for zero points in 33 out of 74 games, including one stretch in which he scored zero points 12 times in 15 games while STARTING for the Nets. That's a real waste of seven feet worth if height.

Kevin Love: 10 points and 8 boards is pretty good for a rookie, but kinda sad when compared to O.J. Mayo's recent 30-point explosions. That sound you hear? It's Kevin McHale. Weeping.

The Larry Brown Kool-Aid: The Bobcats are on fire, having won three of their last five games, and Charlotte's players are lovin' Larry because of it. Jason Richardson, who had a game-high 25 points, said: "It's pretty difficult because there are so many demanding things that he wants you to do. But we're a team that's willing to learn, was ready to listen and looking for something different. We still don’t have everything down, but the things we're doing are heading toward it." Emeka Okafor, who finished with a season-high 24 points on 9-of-14 shooting, said: "That's his history with teams. When he first comes in it takes some time to adjust. There's a learning curve. Once everybody learns it, people get going."

Now, it might be worth pointing out that those three wins came against the slumping 76ers, the always-ready-to-give-up-a-lead Pacers, and sadsack Timberwolves. But whatever. It's cute that they 'Cats think they're "getting it." However, if Okafor's talking about Brown's history, he should probably also mention that things usually end ugly.

Adam Morrison: Wanna see Adam getting posterized? Well, here you go. Morrison also got flushed on by Rashad McCants (who apparently McCan dunk on Adam). In fact, if you check out his Yahoo Profile, there are seven pictures of Adam: Two of him getting dunked on, two of him getting shot over, and three of him committing a foul. Including one foul that's inexplicably described as Morrison getting dunked on by Luke Ridnour (who's not even in the picture). Good times.

The Orlando Magic defense: I know they're the Boston Celtics and everything, but the Magic sure didn't do a very good job of staying in front of anybody. The C's shot 60 percent in the first quarter and 54 percent for the game. Paul Pierce shredded them for 17 points in the third quarter. Said Stan Van Gundy: "We didn't do a very good job on the pick and rolls in the second half. I think more than anything it was a problem with our schemes and preparation." Hmm. Now, Stan, remind me again: Who's responsible for the schemes and preparation?

Anthony Johnson, excuse machine: The Magic were without their starting backcourt last night: Jameer Nelson missed his fourth straight game with a hip flexor and Mickael Pietrus is on injured reserve with a torn right thumb ligament. This caused Johnson to offer the following observation: "Yeah, they smacked us tonight. But with two healthy squads I feel very good." Right. Well, uh, sorry, Anthony, but while I admit having those guys back would make the team better, I'm still not sure you guys are one Jameer Nelson and Mickael Pietrus from being better than (or even as good as) the Celtics. But I'm glad you'd feel very good. That's something.

Bob Delaney, David Guthrie, Gary Zielinski: Things got a little wacky at the Garden last night as the refs demanded that everyone present respect their authori-tah. I'll let Basketbawful reader Garron take this one: "The officiating crew last night was weird. The calls were fine, but technicals were everywhere. Eight were called in total, four by referee Bob Delaney. In fact, during a timeout Delane called a double technical on Sam Cassell, who was just sitting at the end of the bench and had to be sent out. Still no word on what actually happened. Then during the next timeout there was a technical called on Rondo...in the MIDDLE of a timeout while Rondo was in the huddle. Other weird technicals were called on Stan Van Gundy (for arguing a call) and Rashard lewis who, after making a very difficult behind the backboard circus shot, pumped his fist in the air."

When asked why he received his technical, Rondo said: "I don't know. Everyone got a technical." Added Doc Rivers: "This was one interesting game. A lot of technicals. I better be quiet before I get a technical." Now, regarding Same Cassell...

Sam Cassell: Sam now has more technicals (2) and ejections (1) than minutes played (zero). Last night, he was apparently bounced from the bench for complaining about a foul that David Guthrie called on Perkins. Said Rivers: "I told him he took a bullet for me, because I thought it was on me and I wasn't saying anything, so I was upset. I think they were trying to clean the game up. There was a lot of complaining going on. Unfortunately, when that's happening, the first guy who talks gets the tech. And Sam was that guy."

Cleaning up the game is one thing. Last night's techfest was a big much. Anyway, on the subject of Sam I Am, he decided to weigh in on the whole Stephon Marbury Fiasco going on in New York. Cassell thinks the whole deal is "bad for the league" and believes (like just about everybody else) that the Knicks need to get 'er done with regards to cutting Starbury loose. Said Sam: "They really need to get that thing resolved. It doesn't look good for both parties. Steph wants to play and he's better than the guys playing ahead of him. I don't understand it."

Uhm...not sure about that "better than the guys playing ahead of him" part, Sam. But I'm totally with you on the rest of it.

Brian Scalabrine: The Lord of the Rings registered two minutes, a missed shot, and a suck differential of +1. Not a bad night's work...for Jason Collins. And check out Scal's Yahoo Profile: The lone picture is of him getting scored on by Jamal Crawford. Even in his own world, he's the "other guy" in the poster.

And now, as an added bonus, Brian's theme song:


The Golden State Warriors: At this point, the Warriors are inventing new and fascinating ways to lose on an almost nightly basis. If only they could use their amazing creative powers to cure cancer or develop a truly everlasting Gob Stopper. Or, you know, win a game.

Last night -- the Warriors' seventh straight defeat, by the way -- the Golden Staters blew the game in a variety of ways. First, they let Udonis Haslem score off an offensive rebound/putback at the buzzer to send the game to overtime. (And that was only one of several second-chance buckets the Warriors surrendered.)

The Warriors were leading by 3 points with less than 10 seconds left in OT when Chris Quinn hit a tying three-pointer at the 7.1-seconds left mark. Michael Beasley then stole the ensuing inbounds pass, got fouled and made the game-winning free throw. Gah. Said Don Nelson: "Well it was a whale of a game, wasn't it? We sure gave it away at the end. Couple of breakdowns just at the wrong time. I thought we had the game won. It will be a hard loss to get over." Don't worry. I'm sure Nellie was feeling better by the fifth or sixth post-game beer. Anyway, I can hardly let this one go without giving a WotN mention to...

Andris Biedrins: He had 17 points (7-for-10), 15 rebounds and only 2 turnovers. However, the second turnover was the inbounds pass that was snatched by Beasley and cost Golden State the victory. Good job, Andris.

Dwyane Wade's butter-soaked fingers: Pookie was once again magnificent -- 37 points, 5 rebounds, 13 assists -- but, as usual, he had trouble holding onto the rock and finished with a game-high 7 turnovers. Fittingly, this allowed him to take back the lead in turnovers per game from Golden State's Stephen Jackson (who had 4 last night). Currently, Wade is averaging a league-worst 4.0 TOs per game while Captain Jack is averaging 3.9. I think this is going to be a season-long battle, folks. I can't wait to see how it turns out.

Quote machinery and stat cursery: Basketbawful reader Garron informs me that one of the Warriors broadcasters made the following quip last night: "Timeout miami. 125-123 to the Warriors. First to play defense wins." However, according to the official game log, after that timeout Ronny Turiaf blocked Dwyane Wade's shot...and the Warriors went on to lose anyway. Ergo, Golden State got stat cursed by their own commentator. Whoops.

Kobe Bryant: Mamba advised Donnie Walsh not to buy out Stephon Marbury's contract. Said Mamba: "Don't give in to Steph's demands. Make him beg."

Labels: Al Jefferson, Brian Scalabrine, Dwyane Wade, Golden State Warriors, Jason Collins, Kevin Love, Larry Brown, Sam Cassell, theme songs, Worst of the Night

Go ahead. Shoot me. Just, uh, aim for the hanky, okay?
Now that I've fully recovered from my annual turkey coma, it's time to move on to highly important and life-altering matters: Providing you with ideas of what to buy me for Christmas. (Quick hint: When in doubt, choose "ridiculously expensive" over "fiscally responsible." Just to be safe.) I'll be giving you plenty of ideas over the next 20 days or so, but keep in mind that I still haven't received half of the things from last year's list. I'm not saying you owe me anything for all the free humor I make available on an almost-daily basis, but you totally do. What are you waiting for? Next Christmas?

Anyway, when I'm out on the town rocking a totally awesome suit, I still feel a little naked. And I finally figured out why that is: My suit can't repel gunfire, which seems like a pretty major design oversight for a crimefighting champion of justice like myself. But what can I do, short of hiring Tony Stark as my personal tailor? I have a two-word answer for you: bulletproof hanky.

The bulletproof handkerchief, provided exclusively by Liborius, is made out of military grade Kevlar Arimid and can be folded into squares that fit into most breast pockets. I know you'll agree that it's a damn shame Stephon Marbury didn't have one of these when his teammates were shooting him in the head. Also, I bet the Giants wish they'd wrapped Plaxico Burress in one of these before he went clubbing. However, before you drape one of these babies over your chest and start waging a one-man war on crime, you should probably know that there's a disclaimer: "The store and designer take NO responsibility for schmucks and wooden-heads who feel compelled to test the endurance or resistance of the textile in any way." So you can feel secure in the knowledge that your gentleman's square can stop a bullet if necessary...but it's probably best for you and the body you live in if it's never, ever necessary.

I know what you're saying. What's the fun in being invincible if you're stuck in a stuffy suit all the time. Well, if you're more of a "business casual" kind of guy, then you're in luck: There's also a bulletproof polo shirt on the market. The shirt -- offered by Columbian designer Miguel Caballero, who has been dubbed the "Armani of armor" -- is made of ultra-lightweight, bullet-proof fabric and features removable ballistic panels designed to offer protection from weaponry ranging from a 9mm pistol to an Uzi. Let's see the humanoids mock your "preppie" attire when you're wading through Uzi blasts without a scratch.

The bulletproof polo retails for about $12,000 and it's part of Caballero's Black Label line, which includes a bulletproof tuxedo shirt. You know, in case you want to attend a wedding without suffering all that "I might get shot in the chest" anxiety. (Although, to be fair, you probably should have thought about that before you slept with your best friend's fiance.)

Because even douchebags like this guy should be freefrom the threat of unplanned gunshot wounds.

Labels: bulletproof, Christmas list, handkerchiefs, polo shirts, suit up, tuxedos

Stephon Marbury -- last season's runaway winner of my Least Valuable Player award -- has stunned the world by announcing that his "marriage" with the New York Knicks is over. Yeah. That's like walking in on your father banging the maid on your mother's corpse and then having him calmly explain that daddy and mommy won't be living together anymore: You probably had that one figured out already.

Here's some of the choice quotage from Starbury's exclusive interview with the New York Post. Better sit down with a big box of Kleenex. This one's a tear-jerker of epic proportions.

"I sat there for three weeks and didn't say one word. I didn't hear one of my teammates say, 'Why isn't Stephon Marbury playing? This is a good system for him, even to play with the second unit and bring more firepower.'

"When things got bad and then worse, guys like Quentin Richardson say, 'I don't consider him a teammate. He let his teammates out to dry.' He didn't care I was his teammate when I was banished. They left me out for dead. It's like we're in a foxhole and I'm facing the other way. If I got shot in the head, at least you want to get shot by the enemy. I got shot in the head by my own guys in my foxhole. And they didn't even give me an honorable death.

"Mike [D'Antoni] had no intentions of me playing basketball here. He gave me straight disrespect. It was beyond disrespect. He put in (Danilo) Gallinari, whose back is messed up and (who) didn't participate at all in training camp ahead of me (in the season opener). That's saying, 'I'm letting you have it right now.' He was sticking it to me. He knew I was in my contract year and did everything they asked me to do. He's not trying to help me. He's trying to hurt me."

Ah. Only Stephon Marbury could invoke "shot in the head by my own guys" imagery only days after New York Giants wide receiver Plaxico Burress shot himself in the leg at a nightclub. And if history has taught us anything, it's that Starbury should keep his mouth shut during any and all NFL-related controversies. As well as every day of the week that ends in "day."

The Knicks, obviously, need to just buy out Marbury's contract and be done with the whole mess. And fast. After all, according to Google research scientists, we've almost depleted the Internet's once vast resource of angry Stephon Marbury images. Of course, Donnie Walsh has stated over and over that he's opposed to buyouts...but the reality is he's just trying to force Marbury to accept less than the $20 million he's owed. Think it's working? Said Marbury: "They want to take my money. I'm not going to let them." Translation: Hell no, it's not working.

But hey: LeBron in 2010!! Okay. Has everybody forgotten about Marbury yet?

Labels: crazy people, Donnie Walsh, Mike D'Antoni, mucho crazy, New York Knicks, Stephon Marbury

Editor's note: Due to various turkey-related mishaps, I didn't make it through my email for this post. Sorry if I missed any nominations. I will try to update the post if I get the chance.

LeBron James: On Thursday, Charles Barkley said some things about King James that, frankly, a lot of people across the country (including yours truly) were already thinking. Said Sir Charles: "If I was LeBron James, I would shut the hell up. I'm a big LeBron fan. He's a stud. You gotta give him his props. I'm getting so annoyed he's talking about what he's going to do in two years. I think it's disrespectful to the game. I think it's disrespectful to the Cavaliers." Here, here, Chuck! I couldn't agree more.

LeBron, however, couldn't agree less. Said James: "He's stupid. That's all I've got to say about that." Well, SNAP, girlfriend! But although it was immature, don't think for a minute that LeBron's response wasn't coldly calculated. The "He's stupid" comeback just barely trumped a few other potential responses, which included but were not limited to "He's a big poopy head," "I'm rubber, Chuck's glue..." and "I agree with Charles. NOT!!"

The New York Knicks, Donnie Walsh, Starbury, etc.: The big news out of New York on Friday was Stephon Marbury's suspension for "refusing" to play against the Pistons on Wednesday. Jesus salsa-dancing Christ, Donnie, will you just cut him already and let this saga end. It's beyond ridiculous. I would have expected this dysfunction from Isiah, but not you.

The elevator in Chris Bosh's condominium: Bosh made it to Air Canada Centre with less than an hour before the Raptors' game against the Hawks, but at least he had a good excuse: He spent 50 minutes stuck in an elevator at his downtown condo. Bosh said the car stopped, trapping him and two strangers, just after he got on at the 28th floor. Of his brief time in captivity, Bosh said: "I sat and reflected on life and just chilled." How very Zen-like. Note that Bosh said he tried to force the door open, but totally failed. "I tried my superhuman strength but it wasn't opening."

Jermaine O'Neal: The Drain missed his second straight game with a left ankle injury. However, he said he expected to play Sunday against Lakers. As a Pacers fan with loads of experience with O'Neal, I officially listed him as "doubtful"...

The Philadelphia 76ers: If they're going to challenge Boston in the East, they might need to be able to finish within 20 points of the Celtics. On Friday night, they did not, losing 102-78. Said Andre Iguodala: "We've been in this situation before, having bad losses. When you have a loss like that, you can't pinpoint one person or one thing. You have to look at yourself as one whole group effort." Iggy, if you're trying to say that you guys sucked as a team...well, I guess you're right.

Ray Allen, unintentionally dirty quote machine: "I told [Rajon Rondo], 'I feed off you.'" Mmmm. Tastes like chicken.

The Golden State Warriors: Shooting less than 40 percent as a team is going to earn you a spot in Worst of the Weekend. And the Warriors did just that by shooting 39 percent against the Cavaliers. Special honors go to Stephen Jackson (2-for-11, 3 turnovers), Corey Maggette (3-for-11) and Jamal Crawford (6-for-14 and a game-high 5 turnovers). This has officially become the Bizarro World version of the Golden State team that made the playoffs and upset the Dallas Mavericks a couple seasons ago.


The Klahma City Thunder: Mike Miller hit the game-winner with 0.1 seconds left as the Timberwolves sent the Thunder to a franchise record-tying 14th straight loss. That's some historic suck, right there. Said Kevin Durant: "It's definitely frustrating when you lose at the buzzer. It doesn't matter if you're not on a win streak. Any team would hate to lose like this." Yeah. But especially when the phrase "franchise-worst losing streak" is appended to the loss, right Kevin?

The Phoenix Suns: The Suns faced the Heat without Steve Nash, who missed the game with a right thigh contusion. The result: 19 turnovers and a 15-point home loss. At times, the Phoenix players looked lost and confused. And when I say "at times" I really mean "for the full 48 minutes." Said Shaq: "We never really could get in the flow. In the first eight possessions, we had six turnovers. Once we get rid of our turnover problems on a consistent basis, we'll be all right. We've been very careless with the ball."

Goran Dragic: Even with Nash out, Dragic barely saw the light of day. He played only six minutes, finishing with zero points (0-for-2) and an assist. Somewhere Sarunas Jasikevicius is nodding his head and saying, "Yep, yep, I feel your pain, my Eastern European brother.

Shawn Marion: I'm not saying 10/9/6 is a horrible game, but it wasn't exactly a "See?! The Suns should have been willing to pay me $20 million a year and make me the number one guy in their offense!" performance, was it?

Allen Iverson: He skipped the team's Thanksgiving Day practice. Color me surprised. But on the bright side, he didn't call a press conference to complain about it. He actually apologized and managed to sound convincingly contrite. "I have no excuses. I apologize to my teammates, first and foremost, the coaching staff, the organization and definitely, our fans. It's something that shouldn't happen and it won't happen again."

Michael Curry: As punishment, he didn't put AI into the Pistons' Friday night game against the Bucks until the end of the first quarter. Oooooo. Way to get tough on him, Mike. Why not do something really extreme, like make him drink water instead of Gatorade during timeouts.

Andrew Bogut and Michael Redd: That's a lot of money sitting on the Milwaukee bench. I'm just sayin'.

Charlie Villanueva: Not happy. Not happy at all.

The Indiana Pacers: Memo to the Pacers: If you want to make your fans love you again, falling behind by 14 points and then losing in overtime to the Charlotte Bobcats isn't going to make it happen. It was Indiana's third home loss by 7 points or less. Said Marquis Daniels: "We must put this behind us and string some (victories) together. This is no fun." Uh oh. Marquis isn't having fun. Somebody do something!

The Memphis Grizzles: It's always a bad day when your team shoots 55 percent and still loses by double-figures. Letting the Spurs shoot 56 percent might have had something to do with it.

Kevin McHale: Hey, Kev? Did you see O.J. Mayo's 32-point game against the Spurs? Just checking.

The Sacramento Kings' third quarter: Outscored 44-17 by the Carlos Boozer-less Jazz. Ouchies. Said Kings coach Reggie Theus: "Losing like that, you should be angry at somebody. That's just being a competitor. We've got to get our attitude right." That's a great idea, Reggie, but maybe you should start by having your guys get a hand in somebody's face and go from there.

The New Orleans Hornets: One Team of the Future met another in Portland, and it didn't end well for the Hornets...who lost by 15 and dropped to a disappointing 9-6. Said Chris Paul: "We are nowhere near where we need to be. We have a lot of work to do, mentally, physically...as a team. It's a long season but the only way that we're going to get in the playoffs is if we start winning games." I'm just going to assume Paul said this while giving the stink eye to Byron Scott.

Greg Oden: He scored 1 point (0-for-2 from the field and 1-for-4 from the line) in 24 minutes against the Hornets. It just feels strange watching such a mighty man struggle so mightily to score. It would be like watching the Incredible Hulk struggle to pick up a medium-sized piece of luggage.

Home cookin': During the Lakers 114-107 win over the Mavericks, L.A. recorded a mere eight fouls, the fewest by the franchise since it moved from Minneapolis to Los Angeles for the 1960-61 season. The previous low was nine (which happened on March 28, 1973, at Golden State). The Mavericks became the second straight Lakers opponent that didn't attempt a free throw in the first quarter. I'm not sayin', I'm just sayin'.

Erick Dampier: The line: 3 rebounds, a steal, a block and a foul in 23 minutes. The Amazing Disappearing Seven-footer!

Dirk Nowitzki, quote machine: "We need Josh Howard back. It's not rocket science." For Dirk, it's all about the simple answers.


Kobe Bryant: He asked to borrow a Kleenex from Jordan Farmar. But he wasn't "borrowing" anything. He used it and never gave it back.

The Washington Wizards: They followed up Tuesday's hope-lifting win over the Warriors by losing by 15 to the Magic on Thursday (at home) and then falling behind by 17 before rallying to lose by only four to the Hawks on Saturday (also at home). Huh. Maybe Eddie Jordan wasn't the problem after all.

But it gets better. Interim head coach Ed Tapscott had this to say about the almost-comeback: "So much energy trying to get back from (17 points down) that you're just fatigued at the end." That rationalization did not sit well with Antawn Jamison: "That's an excuse. We (were) in the game. We had the opportunity to win the game. We've been through this before." That was one seriously short honeymoon.

DeShawn Stevenson: From Alex D: "He missed two important free throws with 5.7 seconds remaining in the game trailing by 3 points. That is not the way to go if you want to win your third game if the season." Nope. Maybe he couldn't feel his face.

Dwight Howard, domination machine: He had a MAN-type double-double against the Pacers (32 points, 21 rebounds) and then gave us all some insight into his interior decorating decisions. "I have the word dominating written all over my house and I talk about it a lot before every game. I think about dominating the whole game." That's...great, Dwight. A little OCD, but great. I wonder if his need to "dominate the whole game" extends to timeout huddles. Does he drink more Gatorade than his teammates? Does he stare at Stan Van Gundy's clipboard twice as hard?

Rick Kamla: Via Dr. Hank Pym: "From Saturday's NBATV GameTime broadcast, Rick Kamla said before a commercial break 'Dwight Howard drops a load on Indiana, next!' Thanks for the wonderful mental image, Rick. Although, when I think of the Pacers' horrid defense in that game, a big smelly turd does come to mind."

Doc Rivers and the power of lowered-expectations: After his team pulled out a close win on Saturday, Doc said: "I loved what we did tonight. You could see we were on empty. There were a lot of jump shots hitting the front of the rim, but they just found a way so I'm really proud of them." I have no idea how Rivers could be THAT enthused about an 89-84 win over the Charlotte Bobcats, but if the victory was a living, breathing thing, Doc would probably still be humping it right now.

Paul Pierce: The Truth "starred" in the C's win over the 'Cats. But his final line was pretty dull: 19 points on 6-for-14 shooting, 2 rebounds, 1 assist. And for the record, Mr. Best Player In The World is shooting a career-worst 40 percent from the field right now.

Raymond Felton: Rough, rough game against the Celtics: 2-for-15 shooting and a weekend-high 6 turnovers. What, was he trying to throw the game or something?

Knicks versus Warriors (a.k.a. "The Night Defense Died"): The 138-125 shootout was everything I could have expected from two utterly defenseless teams. The Knicks set a Madison Square Garden records for most first-half points (82), Chris Duhon had a franchise-record for assists (22), and David Lee had career highs in points (37) and rebounds (21). It was the first 30-20 game in regulation for a member of the Knicks since Patrick Ewing had 36 points and 21 rebounds against Philadelphia on January 23, 1994. How bad was it? Well, at one point, Lee alley-ooped to himself on the fast break.


Jamal Crawford, quote machine: "They had 82 points at half, so that's a lot." Thanks for the newsflash, Jamal. Why, I bet you can't even fit a baseball cap over that huge, throbbing brain of yours.

Don Nelson, quote machine: "I think Duhon is the story tonight. Wow, what a player. Been watching him on film and seeing him on videos, but seeing him in person is another story. Guy's got the whole package. He looked like Steve Nash out there. Unbelievable performance." Wow. Nellie will say anything to detract attention from his team's woeful defensive performance, huh?

Memphis Grizzlies: The Griz let the Thunder, losers of 14 of the last 14 games, come into their house, shoot 57 percent from the field, and break the streak. I'm sorry, but the Thunder should never, under any conceivable circumstances, shoot 57 percent. Not alone in an empty gym full of Jordan Jammers should that happen. Never. No way. No how. Said Memphis coach Marc Iavaroni: "Obviously, it was a tough loss." Oh, well OBVIOUSLY.

Antoine Walker: From the AP recap game notes: "Veteran F Antoine Walker was in uniform for Memphis for the first game of the season. He did not play."

Kevin McHale: Hey, Kev. Did you see O.J. Mayo's 30-point, 7-rebound game? Just checking.

The San Antonio Spurs: They had held their last 11 opponents under 100 points. Then the Tracy McGrady-less Houston Rockets -- led by Luther "Wait, who's this guy again?" Head's 21 points (on 7-for-11 shooting) -- dropped 103 on them. Not sure what the Spurs' excuse is for the 19-point blowout. I mean, Tony Parker and Manu Ginobili are both back. Huh. Anyway, it's usually a pretty bad sign when Matt Bonner is your team's top performer.

Brent Barry: He received the only DNP-CD on the team. Ouch.

Yao Ming: As Brendan P. pointed out to me in an email, Yao had 1 rebound against the Spurs. Holy Buddha, Yao! You're 10 feet tall! You should be able to grab 3 or 4 rebounds by accident!

The Utah Jazz: A 17-point home loss...TO THE NETS?! New Jersey was up 59-51 at the half after going 22-for-39 in the first half. Said Jerry Sloan: "That's a cocktail for failure right away."

Mark Cuban: Hey, Mark. Did you see Devin Harris' 34-point game? Just checking.

The Cavs-Bucks brickfest: Mo Williams was 6-for-20. Boobie Gibson was 1-for-9. Wally Szczerbiak was 1-for-7. Ramon Sessions was 6-for-17. Michael Redd was 5-for-16. Charlie Villanueva was 2-for-8. Said LeBron: "The outside shot? It wasn't flowing tonight." Yeah. No kidding.

Update! Ramon Sessions: Owned. Big time. (Via Ball Don't Lie.)


Mavericks versus Kings: If you watched this game, well, I'm sorry.

The Miami Heat: They lost to the Clippers. Wow. That's pretty sad. Although, to be fair, that might have had something to do with the...

Home cookin': The Clippers enjoyed a 35-11 advantage in freethrow attempts. Dwyane Wade went to the line once. And Udonis Haslem was befuddled by it all. "We were breaking to the basket. I don't even know why the whistle was blown."

Kobe Bryant: He flicked a booger into Luke Walton's locker.


The Detroit Pistons: The Allen Iverson trade continues to be a mixed bag for the Pistons, who lost by double digits at home for the second time in the past four games (the other loss being a 26-pointer against Minnesota). The previously defensive-minded Pistons let the Trail Blazers shoot 52 percent. Detroit, on the other hand, shot 43 percent. Allen Iverson finished with 9 points (2-for-9), 1 rebound and 3 assists.

The Philadelphia 76ers: The Bulls were finishing up a seven-game, 12-day road trip. Most teams in those circumstances get crushed. Only, last night, the Bullies did the crushing...holding the Sixers to 92 points on 43 percent shooting. The Sixers, losers of four in a row, are now 7-10 and haven't reached the century mark in eight games. Think the lack of success is hurting the home attendance? From the game notes: "The announced crowd was 13,561, but there were pockets of empty seats throughout the 20,000-plus seat arena."

Update! Andre Miller: Received an ego-ectomy courtesy of Dr. Derrick Rose. (Via Ball Don't Lie.)


Carmelo Anthony: 'Melo scored only 2 points (1-for-4) in 14 minutes. It was the first time he failed to score at least 10 points since November 28, 2005, ending his NBA-best streak of consecutive games in double figures at 222. But there were circumstances: A sore right elbow that's been bothering him since training camp. Said Anthony: "I couldn't even dribble the basketball. I tried to lift my son up after the game and I couldn't even do that." Uh oh.

Ron Artest: It wasn't just the 5-for-18 shooting. We've seen that before. (Ron's hitting 34 percent of his field goals this season, after all.) However, six of his shots were stuffed. SIX!! It's like he was trying to get his shot blocked. It's the highest "blocks against" number I've seen since Yahoo! started tracking it.

Yao Ming: Hmm. The Great Wall had two of his shots blocked, giving him three "blocks against" on the weekend. Maybe the Yao Watch isn't as dead as I thought...

Allen Iverson: The Nuggets are 11-3 since he was sent to Detroit. Uh huh.

The Phoenix Suns: Well, let's see. They scored 109 points on 55 percent shooting. Steve Nash returned from injury to give them 26 points (11-for-20) and 9 assists. Amare Stoudemire had a big double-double (25 points, 12 rebounds). But giving up 117 points -- including a career-high 47 for Devin Harris -- was a very bad thing. Particularly since they were leading by 11 at the start of the fourth quarter (during which they were outscored 43-24). A special note of thanks for the latest home collapse goes to...

Amare Stoudemire: Sun Tzu went and got himself tossed (with his second technical foul) for arguing with an official with 3:24 left. Phoenix was leading 100-98 at the time of the ejection, then got outscored 19-9 the rest of the way. Said Devin Harris: "He lost his cool. That was the key for us when he went out. He was killing us." Added Vince Carter: "Amare was playing off the charts. We tried to take advantage when he went out, and we did." Congrats, Amare. You were New Jersey's MVP last night.

Of course, even after the game, Stoudemire couldn't stop arguing. "The rule states that I'm allowed to react as long as I don't continue the verbal (assault) towards the official. It was a simple reaction and I got ejected for something like that. I've seen players do a lot worse and not even get a technical foul. It's tough to deal with." Wah.

Goran Dragic: He earned his fourth DNP-CD in five games. I guess it's time to start calling him "Goran Tragic," huh? Steve Nash played 38 minutes.

Lawrence Frank, quote machine: Think he was excited about watching his team end their 14-game losing streak in Phoenix? From the AP recap: "Fourteen years! Fourteen years!" he exclaimed. "That's it, this conversation is over. We haven't won here in 14 years!"

Mark Cuban: Hey, Mark. Did you see Devin...oh, never mind. Of course you did.

NBA.com: From Basketbawful reader Lintmunro: "Del Harris? He managed to score 47 in Phoenix while on the bench in Philly." What do you...oh, wait...


Kobe Bryant and Phil Jackson, quote machines: Mamba entered the game 38 points short of reaching the 22,000-point mark faster than any other player. Had he done it, he would have beaten Chamberlain to that total by one day, according to the Elias Sports Bureau. It didn't happen, though. Kobe was content to score only 23 in yet another Laker victory.

"To be honest, I don't follow anything of that sort. I just go out there and do what I do. I don't care about that stuff. You guys got me all wrong. I just play. I play hard, and I play the same way all the time. I never concern myself with milestones or anything like that."

Hm. Phil Jackson doesn't quite agree. Before the game, he said: "Somebody put in the paper that Kobe needed 38 points tonight to be the youngest player to ever reach that particular thing. I mean, that was like putting a carrot in front of a donkey. That could really mess up the game for us tonight." And after the game, he reiterated his point: "Kobe does have agendas at times that will come out. A couple of years ago when things didn't go well, he went on that tear. So he could get into that. It's a long season, but I hope he stays focused on what the overall plan is." Ah, trust.

Mario Brothers: Austin Croshere (Bucks) had a 25-second Mario against the Pistoins; Shannon Brown (Bobcats) had a 20-second Mario against the Pacers; Ryan Hollins (Bobcats) had a two-second Super Mario against the Pacers (which makes him and Brown "Mario Brothers"); Jerryd Bayless and Ike Diogu (Blazers) both had 39-second Marios against the Hornets (making them "Mario Brothers"); Joe Alexander (Bucks) had a 20-second Mario against the Cavaliers; Renaldo Blackman (Nuggets) had a 16-second Mario against the Rockets.

Trillionaire Club: Will Bynum (Pistons) had a two trillion against the Bucks; Jared Dudley (Bobcats) had a three trillion against the Celtics; Brian Cardinal (Timberwolves) had a two trillion against the Nuggets; Steve Novak (Clippers) had a four trillion against the Heat.

Suck Differentialists: Kareem Rush (Sixers) +1 against the Celtics; Tarence Kinsey (Cavs) +1 against the Warriors; Walter Sharpe (Pistons) +2 against the Bucks; Stephen Graham (Pacers) +2 against the Magic; Brian Scalabrine (Celtics) +2 against the Bobcats; Rodney Carney (Timberwolves) +1 against the Nuggets; Von Wafer (Rockets) +5 against the Spurs; Maurice Ager (Nets) +1 against the Jazz; Kareem Rush (Sixers) +2 against the Bulls; Reggie Evans (Sixers) +4 against the Bulls; Stromile Swift (Nets) +3 against the Suns.

Labels: Worst of the Weekend