Basketbawful

Thursday, January 26, 2006

The Utah Jazz are giving away a player's money. Seriously.

I've been a Utah Jazz fan since the early 90s, and I've never really understood why no one wanted to play for them. I mean, they had genetically-enhanced All-Stars and future Hall of Famers in John Stockton and Karl Malone. They had daily doses of free comedy in the form of assclown Greg Ostertag. They play basketball in a state where 98 percent of the population supports polygamy. What more could a wealthy athlete ask for? But after visiting their official Website, I think I finally figured it what the problem is. The Jazz management are assholes. Why else would they just be giving away shooting guard C.J. Miles paycheck?

When the Jazz steal a player's money, they don't go halfway.
I know Jerry Sloan is something of a disciplinarian, so maybe this is the team's standard punishment when you're only averaging 3 points a game on 27 percent shooting. I don't know. But it still seems pretty harsh, considering the poor kid's just a rookie and only playing about nine minutes a game. If they were going to punish somebody, shouldn't it be Carlos Boozer? He came to the Jazz last year after stabbing a blind guy in the back, and now he's not even playing. If anyone deserves to lose a paycheck or 82, it's him.

The poor treatment even extends to the team's mascot, Bear. The Jazz aren't content to merely force Bear to jump off of a trampoline and splatter himself on the backboard like any other respectable mascot. They make him do it through a goddamn flaming hoop.

Hey kids, Bear says: "AIIIIYYYYEEEEEE!!!"
I hope PETA doesn't hear about this. You may have heard of them; they're the club that's all about making animals more comfortable before we throw away the parts that aren't food and cover the rest in cheese. In other news, you can chat online with Mehmet Okur today at 1 p.m.

I'll be Right there. After I clean out my pocket lint.
This could end up being one of the shortest, most boring online chats in history. I mean, honestly, can you think of a single thing to ask Mehmet, other than "Don't you wish you were still on the Pistons?" Although I'd be willing to bet cash money that some schmuck asks him about Kobe's 81 point game, to which Mehmet will probably say something totally innane like, "It was an amazing/unbelievable/incredible performance. He's a great/phenomenal/amazing talent." And if that happens, I'll post about it right before I spend the rest of the day punching myself in the stomach.

1 Comments:

Anonymous said...

I don't know what tone you're using (sounds sarcastic) but if you're serious, you might want to consider that the advertising and marketing people just needed an angle for publicity. The Jazz giving away one-game of C.J. Miles' pay sounds unlikely. The reason Miles is named in the contest is probably because he makes the least amount of money on the team. Giving away Carlos Boozer's one-game pay would be a lot more money for the Jazz to give away, making it less feasible.

1/26/2006 3:03 PM